Monthly Archives: April 2010

Grief and Joy Live in the Same Chamber of the Heart

We just returned from three days in Estes Park. We had promised Everest that we would go to one of his favorite spots up in the mountains after Mocha died so we could unplug from work and connect as a family. Although his struggle with seasonal allergies but a bit of a damper on the trip, the slow days and time in nature had a positive effect, and he returned calmer and more centered than he’s been in weeks.

Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StumblersTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post

View full post »

Amber - April 30, 2010 - 11:59 pm

Oh Sheryl!!! I’m sitting her crying after reading this post. You just say it so well I do not even have to tell you what I mean. My cat I’ve had for thirteen years is very sick and possibly dying and I am feeling so many things…Our dog died in my arms in November, and grief is just like you say. Grief is cyclical and organic.

My daughter turned two today–more feelings! At least once a week I cry just from looking at my babies’ faces and feeling that “love, but oh the love!” feeling. My first reaction to your thoughts here was dread: No! Don’t let that love-bubble pop!!! He is my everything! But I know if I want to survive it and survive it well I have to feel and move through the reality of that grief.

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved pet. Thanks so much for your words of honesty and wisdom, as always. :-)

Sheryl Paul - May 2, 2010 - 1:41 pm

Welcome to the blog, Amber! I love seeing so many women from the CW message board over here. Let me just say that my love for Everest is still massively overwhelming. It’s just that it’s shifted from the pure state of “in love” into the grounded love that happens when a relationship becomes real. In fact, it’s not so different from what so many of you went through before your wedding when you had to fall out of love in order to discover what real love is. Does that make sense?

I think at some point every relationship comes down to earth, and that’s when the work begins. But with the work also comes a deepening and growing. I was challenged as a new mother in many ways but I’ve grown so much more through my relationship with Everest in the last couple of years – and I have a long way to go!

Margaret Paul - May 6, 2010 - 11:45 am

I, too, was brought to tears by this blog. I well remember the same feelings about you, my third child, when you started to walk, knowing that your babyhood was over and that having babies was over. Here is where being a grandma is so wonderful – being able to experience some of it all over again!

Sheryl Paul - May 6, 2010 - 3:25 pm

Yes, Mom, I think about being a grandparent a lot! It does comfort me to know that I’ll get to experience babyhood again, even if they’re not my own. As much as I grieve the end of Everest’s babyhood and little boyhood, watching him grow up into this amazing bigger boy is so exciting! The two feelings always seem to co-exist, don’t they?

[...] the habitual tendency to avoid the painful feelings ingrained by a culture that shuns the idea that grief and joy live in the same chamber of our heart. We must learn to embrace the spectrum of feelings initiated by life’s transitions so that we [...]

[...] or light without darkness. Spring and summer cannot exist without autumn and winter. We cannot feel true joy without opening our hearts to pain, grief, and loss. And the multi-dimensional richness of human beings generally includes straddling [...]

Wedding Blues Unveiled: “Does It Really Have To Be This Hard?”

It’s one of the top five questions I’m asked by my clients: Does it really have to be this hard? A typical client will come to me full of anxiety and doubt, confusion and loneliness. She wants to know if this means she’s not supposed to get married and she takes immense comfort in learning she’s not alone in feeling anything other than pure joy in the months before and after their wedding. But as she struggles with the various manifestations of grief and fear, she continually wonders if it’s supposed to be this hard. Then she equates the struggle with making a mistake. In other words, she thinks that if she weren’t making a mistake she wouldn’t be feeling these difficult feelings. She would look and feel more like the brides on the magazine covers she’s been seeing since she was old enough to see.

View full post »

Jessica - April 29, 2010 - 3:26 pm

This entry was very, very timely, as just this morning I was working through some of these emotions. It’s such a blessing to have this blog to read during my engagement.

Sheryl Paul - April 29, 2010 - 7:28 pm

I was going to post something else but decide to post this at the last minute. I’m glad it was exactly what you needed.

Belinda - May 6, 2010 - 5:27 pm

Excellent post – this was my problem when I was engaged – and unfortunately I still go into periods when I think “is marriage supposed to be this hard??”

Maria - May 7, 2010 - 9:16 pm

I am so glad I stumbled across this website. I thought I was crazy for not feeling incredibly happy about the upcoming wedding. I too have found myself asking “Why is this so hard?” and “Is it supposed to be this difficult?” There are days that I just break down into tears. Some moments I look forward to the wedding and then there are other times that it scares me that it’s only 5 weeks away now. With the jumble of emotions inside me, I too wondered if I should call off the wedding. I now realize this is a transition and I will get through it and be happy that I did.

JT - May 19, 2010 - 1:32 pm

I am so happy I stumbled onto this blog. This is something that I have been struggling with the past couple of weeks. My wedding is 5 months away and all I keep thinking is why am I feeling this way, why am I not looking forward to my wedding does this me I’m not suppose to get married? This blog is helping me to realize its the transition from being just a girlfriend/fiancee to a wife and growing up. It makes me feel so much better knowing that other people have these fears too.

Conscious Transitions TV: "Celebration is the Other Side of Sorrow"

In this week’s video blog, I discuss the fourth stage of transition – celebration – that follows the letting go, liminal, and rebirth of the first three stages. It’s during this fourth stage that the new resources and skills that have been hibernating often emerge.

***

Sheryl Paul, M.A., is regarded as an international expert in transitions. In 1998 she pioneered the field of bridal counseling and  has since counseled thousands of people worldwide through her private practice, her bestselling books, “The Conscious Bride” and “The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner,” and her websites, www.consciousweddings.com and www.consciousmotherhood.com. She has appeared several times on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”, as well as on “Good Morning America” and other top television, radio, and newspapers around the globe. Phone and Skype sessions available internationally for all types of transitions.

View full post »

cheryl smock - July 21, 2011 - 6:52 pm

i need some native american to read at my husband’s service he died on 7-19-11 and i feel so lonely and i am from the souix nation and i just want to let him know he is alway with my spirit please send me something by email for what we believe as indians on death thank you so much

Sheryl Paul - July 21, 2011 - 6:58 pm

I”m so sorry for your loss. Please contact Celebrant Michele Davidson at michele at moderncelebrant dot ca and she’ll be able to help you.

Friday Favorite Quote: The Unknown

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

At the core of transition anxiety is our discomfort with the unknown. We, as a culture, are very attached to the definites and tangible of life: we want a date, a time, a number, a checklist, an answer. For the vast majority of my clients, their engagement or motherhood anxiety is relieved once the wedding or birth comes to pass. It’s in the anticipation that the… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Ginger - May 3, 2010 - 2:43 pm

Thank you Sheryl for all your wisdom. I stumbled across your website a few months ago. I ordered your book and have just passed it along a day or two ago. I can tell you than by reading your every word on your website plus your book has reduced my engagement anxiety by 95%. I am feeling so liberated that its not HIM. Its ME. its my own fears of the unknown. He is amazing. He will be a great father/husband/provider etc…Ive just been preaching transition, transition, transition to everyone. My Mom who still grieves her parents death 35 years ago and has a terrible time w/transition. My niece who is experiencing the same anxieties as me regarding marriage…Im so relieved. I also came to realize the new parent anxiety I experienced 5 years ago and can remember the day I had to trade in my Jeep for a Mommy car. That was the most depressing day of my pregnancy as it was so symbolic of what I was losing to become a Mommy. I was scared to death to have a baby, especailly a baby girl!!! would I be a good mom and would we have the same issues as my mother and I?! I am proud to say I LOVE being a Mommy and she is 4 now and all the anxieties are out the window and soon I will get my Jeep back!!! I really loved your book and just am so pleased at how much Ive learned about myself in these last few months. Ive been journaling and thats helps tons too. Again, thanks so much and Im really happy that you are doing the work your doing. I would hate to live life alone because Im scared of the unknown. I am no longer afraid. Im no longer experiencing the gnawing knot in my stomach (that much) and Im at peace.
Thanks,
Ginger

Sheryl Paul - May 3, 2010 - 4:08 pm

Thank you, Ginger, for taking the time to comment here. I receive a lot of emails from people who have benefitted by this information but one of the reasons I started this blog is for the dialogue and conversation that can occur through the comments. It’s so important for those that are struggling through the anxiety stage of a transition to know that it’s possible to move through it and feel clear and solid. It’s one thing for me to say it but another to hear it from someone who’s recently been through a transition.

I’m so glad that you’re at peace and that you’ve been able to pass this information along to others. How has your mother responded to the information?

Ginger - May 4, 2010 - 12:59 pm

Hi Sheryl,

I was able to show your website to her and talk to her about transitions and how its been such a revelation to my own patterns. I did follow up with her to see if she had looked more at your site but at that time, she had not. When we spoke we brought up her parents deaths, divorse, her kids (me and my sister) growing up faster than she thought, retirement and moves. I asked any of her councelors had ever brought these events up and she said they had not. Im sure that it is something she will look into but coming from me she is more reluctant for some reason…she recently moved in with me this last weekend in fact…so yet another transition…Ill talk to her more. We are very similar and hope this will be a key to releasing some of what shes been holding onto for years. she has been single for 30 years…I know we both struggle with transition!
talk soon!
Ginger

Last Day

Everest’s favorite book is Charlotte’s Web. We’ve read it at least 6 or 7 times and he knows many parts by heart. There’s one page, however, that he always asks me to skip: it’s the final page of the chapter entitled “Last Day” where Charlotte dies. He knows that she dies but he doesn’t want to hear the details. I’m happy to oblige. We all have sections of books and movies that we’d rather not read or watch.

But I couldn’t skip over Mocha’s death.

Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StumblersTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post

View full post »

Anna - April 22, 2010 - 8:34 am

Ohh…this breaks my heart. I’m so sorry for your loss… but what a beautiful story. And what a kind and compassionate way for Mocha to take her last breaths… in the arms of those who loved her most.

Sheryl Paul - April 22, 2010 - 8:39 am

Thank you, Anna. There really was such beauty in the day. As my friend Lisa said, who stopped by at the end of the day with “Mocha Almond Fudge” ice cream and a packet of catnip, there was both wholeness and holiness. The loss is real and painful, but so is that ephemeral element of the sacred that occurs around these pivotal life transitions.

Caitlin - April 22, 2010 - 8:41 am

What a great post, and what a wonderful kid you have! Thank you for sharing.

Sheryl Paul - April 22, 2010 - 8:46 am

Thanks, Caitlin. Yes, he is a wonderful kid! Sometimes he just blows me away…

Grandma - April 23, 2010 - 7:19 pm

Thanks for sharing your journey with such sensitivity and depth. Everest is so lucky to have such a loving mom and you are so lucky to have such a wonderfully creative child.

Leisha - April 29, 2010 - 9:45 am

What a sweet and loving tribute to Mocha. It brought tears to my eyes. Everest is certainly wise and it seems we can learn so much from kids.

Sheryl Paul - April 29, 2010 - 7:29 pm

Thank you, Leisha, for your kind words.

[...] about the bird, but I could also hear in his explanations to Asher that his experience witnessing Mocha’s demise and death last spring has helped create more acceptance of death for him. He said to his little brother, [...]

[...] spirits are lifted as he talks about Mocha’s impending arrival. If you followed the story of Mocha’s death, you might remember that Everest developed an entire mythology for Mocha where she traveled to the [...]

Parenthood: Letting go again and again and again

When I first began doing research for Conscious Motherhood – both the book (yet to be published) and the website – I was struck by the recurrent theme among new parents about how challenging it was to let go. The specific area of challenge differed from each person, ranging from letting go of getting stuff done to letting go of getting eight hours of consecutive sleep a night to letting go of attachments to the identity of being a working person in the outside world, but there was almost always at least one – and usually several – areas where the new mother or father had a hard time surrendering.

Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StumblersTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post

View full post »

Alison - April 21, 2010 - 3:45 pm

Thank you, Sheryl, today for the article on Letting Go…..you are consistently such an amazing teacher to me.

I appreciate your wisdom and honesty.

I breathe, soften, surrender, accept, and APPRECIATE!

Love.
A

Conscious Transitions TV: Managing Anxiety

Apologies for my head being cut off. I’m still learning about this video world!

In this week’s video, I discuss a simple and powerful tool for managing the anxiety that arises during transitions, especially when you’re feeling out of control.

Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StumblersTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post

View full post »

Engagement Anxiety Dismantled: The Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome

When my grandparents got married in the 1930s, I’m quite certain neither one of them had the kind of engagement anxiety I see among people today. My grandmother did experience grief about leaving her mother and two sisters and the difficult feelings were displaced onto her wedding dress and veil (a mosquito net – so an understandable disappointment on her part!), but she didn’t spend a moment wondering if she was making the best possible choice or if she loved my grandfather enough or if he was her soul mate – or any of the other anxiety-based questions that wreak havoc on my clients’ minds. At the ripe old age of 21, she knew that it was time to marry. She had had a series of boyfriends in her teenage years so she knew what was out there. When my grandfather – who had grown up three miles away from… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Natalie - April 15, 2010 - 7:10 pm

This post speaks to the heart of what was my engagement anxiety. It took me until a few months after my wedding to really get a hold of focusing on positive qualities instead of what was missing. It’s the classic self-fulfilling prophecy… if you are only focusing on what’s NOT there, think of how much you’re missing what IS there. Rarely (although it still happens occasionally) do I go to the super picky place with my husband anymore… and when I do, I realize it much faster and try to figure out what else is going on in my life. Usually, there’s some outside force that’s making me uneasy, which in turn brings about old habits of picking apart my relationship.

I often envy my grandparents’ generation. Love was there in both sets of my grandparents’ marriages. However, in the 40s and 50s, it seemed that the commitment of marriage outranked the love aspect of marriage… and I’m talking more of the romatic love aspect of marriage so many women feel should be there today. I know my grandmother loved my grandfather (both sets, actually), but I also know that there were many issues that could not have been easy. World War II causing deployments overseas, leaving my grandmother home with two small children. Drinking issues. Little money. But, from everything I’ve heard, they had a fantastic marriage. Why? Because it’s what you did then. You committed. And the love was there. But the commitment is what I feel many people miss these days. They think it should be easy if the love is there. Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned… love is almost the easy part. The commitment takes work.

Thank you for this post. Even 3 years post-wedding, I find it refreshing to read this point of view that is slowly making its way into more and more conversations.

Sheryl Paul - April 15, 2010 - 7:34 pm

“Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned… love is almost the easy part. The commitment takes work.” Yes! And then we have to question what we mean by the word “love” if it’s not just the romantic fluttery chemical feeling that happens in the beginning of a relationship. I’ll blog on that one soon… : )

Sarah - April 19, 2010 - 9:26 pm

I knew my future husband for at least a year before I fell for him. We were friends and worked together. He was with someone else, and I was dating – and had been dating extensively for years. I had had a lot of boyfriends in my history by the time I met him. He and I were friends and spent many hours talking and hanging out with groups of other friends and co-workers. He and I would talk for hours sometimes after everyone had gone home, and I thought highly of him. I never thought of him as a romantic possibility because he didn’t meet a single one of, what I thought of as important, criteria. Literally nothing.

But one day I was sitting there working, and I had just broken up with yet another boyfriend who seemed “perfect for me”, who fulfilled so much of my little list of what I thought I wanted, but who ultimately was just another jerk. Anyway, I was sitting there ruminating about what I really wanted in a guy (tall, artist or musician, cool, sexy, into the same things I was into, etc.), and all the sudden it dawned on me – this list has never made me happy. I have dated lots of guys that fit my criteria. I dated the tall, skinny lead singer. I dated the sexy poet. I dated the drummer, the writer, the painter. The one who liked independent movies, the one who loved Indian food, the one who liked to travel. But none of them made me happy, and I didn’t make them happy either.

What I realized I wanted was just someone who made me feel special. I just wanted to feel special, that’s it. So he didn’t have to be tall, or handsome, or a poet, or a singer, or whatever…a vegetarian or an art lover. I just wanted to be around someone who made me feel good. If you can distill it to just that, it’s not that hard to know if you are with the right person. Because someone either makes you feel good, or he doesn’t.

Maybe that’s what our grandparents had. Just meet a nice boy and settle down. Not the perfect boy, but a nice one. Nice goes a long way.

Sheryl Paul - April 20, 2010 - 7:40 am

If all of my clients followed your advice, I probably wouldn’t have any clients! It really is as simple as that: do you enjoy being together? Do you make each other feel good? Are you with a good, nice boy? Life is so complicated these days, and we seem to make it even more complicated with our requirements for “the perfect life.” Our grandparents weren’t searching for the perfect life. They weren’t trying to “have it all.” They just wanted a good life with a good partner. So simple…

[...] had a client last year who, in her own words, suffered terribly from the grass is always greener syndrome. She had initially called me about two months before her wedding and couldn’t stop crying [...]