Monthly Archives: February 2012

Why We Homeschool

People often ask us why we homeschool. I used to launch into a long-winded answer about how we never planned to homeschool but by the time Everest was two it became apparent that, because of his high emotional and moral sensitivity and his asynchronous learning style, he would be crushed in any traditional school environment. I used to talk about our attached parenting style and our belief that kids need to be with their parents much longer than our culture encourages. I may have said something about our outdated educational paradigm and the dangerous focus on extrinsic learning through punishments and rewards. I would often find myself over-explaining because the reasons were too complicated to condense into a single sentence. But recently I have found the sentence that distills our reasons into five words, and now I simply say: Because we believe in freedom.

We believe inClick here to continue reading…

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Lisa - February 29, 2012 - 6:18 am

Thank you so much for speaking and living your truth! I so appreciate your sharing these sentiments. Here is a link to an article that also speaks to your belief in and celebration of freedom http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/02/when-school-goes-against-your-very-nature/ I hope you enjoy it… Here’s to the “Yes!!!”

xox

Kimberly - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Hi Sheryl. This was beautiful and heartfelt — thank you.

My husband and I don’t have children of our own yet, but we are considering homeschooling/ unschooling them when we do. I’m a little nervous about how I can juggle homeschooling with my career (I’m a therapist and writer, too!), but I’m keepin’ the hope alive! And you are helping me do just that. :)

Lainie Liberti - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Beautifully spoken and from the heart. My name means freedom and I honor you & your family for living yours. Eloquently expressed and a wonderful read. My unschooled son & I have made the similar choices for the same reasons. We unschool because we too, believe in freedom.

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:57 pm

Kimberly: If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be juggling homeschooling two kids and working full time I never would have believed them. I’m not sure how it’s possible but it is – and it’s amazing! I just checked out your blog and LOVE what you’re writing about.

Lainie: Thank you for your lovely comment. It’s always wonderful to connect with other unschoolers, even if it’s virtually!

Amy - March 10, 2012 - 4:44 am

My son, 7, was a lover of learning, a self-professed scientist who was reading at a 4th grade level when he entered public kindergarten. Within a year and a half he completely rejected reading, wouldn’t do homework and had striking behavior changes which included defiance and angry outbreaks at home. We’ve been homeschooling for 3 months and my son is back again. It was such an amazing transformation and I cannot express the dramatic nature of this change (for the better). Your article completely resonates with me – thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

Sheryl Paul - March 10, 2012 - 6:26 pm

Congratulations on trusting what you were seeing and taking action to rectify it. I’m so glad your son is back!

It’s Like Arguing With a Three Year Old

My almost three year old is going through the “terrible twos.” I never fully understood that phrase as our older son seemed to skip over it, but now I get it: Asher is testing his boundaries and experimenting with his sense of power and control in the hopes of learning that he’s not the most powerful person in this house. The way it’s manifesting for him is that he’s trying to control everyone here. I’ll give you some examples:

He insists that everyone follow his regimen for getting dressed in the morning. In other words, if I put on my clothes before he does, he screams incessantly at me: “MOMMY, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR PAJAMAS BACK ON!” This can go on for half an hour. He’s tried the same demand on Everest but it didn’t go very far.
He has a specific order for how we turn

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Sarah - February 22, 2012 - 7:53 am

What a wonderfully compassionate-yet-firm way of handling temper tantrums. The idea of children trying to control things has been on my mind lately. I don’t have children of my own, but I have some smaller piano students that, while they’re past the meltdown stage, still try and figure out who is in charge during a piano lesson. I think it’s awesome that you’re teaching him about boundaries, how to handle big emotions, and that these strong feelings don’t detract from your love. And also a great thought when related to anxiety. I often feel like my “inner child” needs to rage and cry and melt down a little. And when I let her do that, the storm passes a lot quicker than when I say “that’s ridiculous…settle down and get over it.” Thanks for the post!

Sheryl Paul - February 22, 2012 - 9:38 pm

Yes, Sarah, so much of the work with ourselves is learning to allow the thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them or resisting them, while remembering that we don’t have to be a victim to the thoughts and feelings!

Marisa - February 23, 2012 - 8:09 am

Whenever I read your posts, I instantly wish I had known about them 7 years ago, or had met someone like you that could have helped me see a little clearer through the darkness of the hole in which I was running around in circles. After my wishing is over, I feel deeply grateful for your presence on the web and in my life!

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 12:10 pm

Thank you, Marisa. Such kind words and I’m so glad you’ve found this now.

sarah - February 23, 2012 - 9:51 pm

sheryl, i think it’s great, too, that you’re also teaching him that you’re not afraid of his big feelings. not only is he learning that he can handle them, but also that you’ll still love him when it’s over, that you are that solid rock and source of stability when he’s feeling out of control. he’s so lucky to have you as a mother. :)
as i continue in my own healing process, i’m learning how much i wanted my parents to show up for me in that way and how they gave in to my demands. i can still feel that part of me that wishes they had said no (and then later, when i was engaged, how i wished J had said it), told me everything was going to be okay when i was scared, and set more firm boundaries. i, therefore, formed just another false belief: that i’m too much, so in order to be loved, i have to keep things small and to myself. as you know, i’m now learning to say those things to myself, but it’s helpful to know that of course it’s difficult when it hasn’t been modeled.

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 10:44 pm

Thank you, Sarah. And I’m so lucky to have my boys as my greatest spiritual teachers! The belief of “I’m too much” is so common, especially when you’re highly sensitive and had parents who didn’t now how to reflect and contain your big feelings. Yes, it’s very difficult when it hasn’t been modeled, but you’re doing GREAT work on yourself and I have no doubt that you will heal the beliefs that are keeping you limited and small.

sarah - February 25, 2012 - 1:13 pm

thank you, sheryl. i feel so grateful to have you supporting and teaching me along this journey. i don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like without having gone through this amazing transformation. as hard as it’s been, i’m still thankful and feel so much stronger.

Leah - February 28, 2012 - 7:24 pm

Thank you. This was really timely for me. I’ve been letting my inner three year old, six year old, everyone, take over and giving into demands. My life is slowly spinning out (though at this point my inner adult is at least present enough to know I’ll get through this). Anyway, thanks again.

monique lusse - February 29, 2012 - 8:29 am

thanks, sheryl. i don’t have kids of my own, but i do have an 84-year-old mother who is in a remarkable similar place as your asher. i’m finding that what is true for a 3-year-old around loving boundries is also true for her. go figure!

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:39 am

That’s really interesting, Monique – and actually makes a lot of sense as people often become more childlike in the later part of life.

Valentine’s Day, Proposals, and the Myth of Romantic Love

What’s your idea of romance? If you live in the West, you probably think of romance as a feeling of being “in love.” You think of red roses adorning white tablecloths, fine wine in crystal glasses, long evenings of staring into each other’s eyes by candlelight, endless nights where the fire burns so hot that you have no choice but to roll under the covers until dawn. You might also think about Valentine’s Day and carry a secret hope – expectation? – that your sweetheart will make you swoon with his romantic actions. But mostly you think of that special feeling that fills you up and makes you feel uplifted and whole.

And if marriage is on the table, you think of romantic proposals where you’re swept off your feet and feel as if the earth stood still. You imagine that once he pops the question and you say yes,… Click here to continue reading…

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Ragini - February 13, 2012 - 4:47 pm

Dear Sheryl,
Wow how amazing the universe sends you what you need to hear at just the right time. It’s Valentines Day here in Australia and this morning I’m finding myself buzzing with the anxiety of the unmet expectations of romantic love you speak off and ignoring the ‘thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life’. It’s a year into the relationship and the waves of anxiety are less frequent and less traumatic but it’s times like this that the words ‘you don’t love him’ and ‘you shouldn’t be feeling like this so early on’ come flushing back. The further I look the more i see that they are driven by false expectations and judgements and a lack of willingness on my part to focus on all the ways that love is really present. I’m seeing more clearly how my expectations and judgements are holding me apart from feeling love….much thanks to you and your willingness to share your experience.
Thank you so much

Ragini - February 13, 2012 - 4:56 pm

Dear Sheryl,
Wow how amazing the universe sends you what you need to hear at just the right time. It’s Valentines Day here in Australia and this morning I’m finding myself buzzing with the anxiety of the unmet expectations of romantic love you speak off and ignoring the ‘thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life’. It’s a year into the relationship and the waves of anxiety are less frequent and less traumatic but it’s times like this that the words ‘you don’t love him really’ and ‘you shouldn’t be feeling like this so early on’ come flushing back. The further I look the more i see that they are driven by false expectations and judgements and a lack of willingness on my part to focus on all the ways that love is really present. I’m seeing more clearly how my expectations and judgements are holding me apart from true love….much thanks to you..I can’t tell you the number of times i’ve come to your website and been confronted by what it is i need to hear

lookingforthelight - February 13, 2012 - 5:30 pm

The last paragraph is perfect! Lately I have been avoiding the boards and posts because I just can not handle them right now (which is in itself strange because the majority understandably find comfort and strength through them). However, I have had the desire to revisit them to discuss my new-found Valentine’s Day fear. What a joy it has been discovering so many new fears this New Year :-) . This article came at the perfect time, and once again your words bring a sense of comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Your description of true love resonates on so many levels, because that is where my anxiety (as well as many others) is rooted- “Do I Love Him Enough?” I am on lesson 3 of the E-Course, and it has been so helpful! I have listened to lessons 1 and 2 multiple times. I just began your book, and it too has brought much comfort. You truly are a blessing Sheryl (this coming from a non-religious individual). It is still really hard, but Friday I had my first day with ZERO anxiety in a very long time. It was the first time I was actually able to ‘see’ projection, understand it, and believe in it. Thank you for these words!

“True romance is clearing the snow and ice off the car when it’s 10 degrees outside and warming it up so that my sons and I can get into a toasty car. True romance is waking up eight times a night to walk our son to sleep back when he was a newborn. True romance is seeing the look on my face that says, “I can’t fight our 3 year old into the bath tonight,” and taking over the parenting duties with his creative stories and silly antics. True romance is being willing to sit down with me at ten o’clock at night after the kids are finally asleep so that we can talk about how we can be better parents. True romance is the thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life, fully present, deeply willing, unwavering in his commitment to me and our family. This is what brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. This is the true definition of romance…”

StephanieG - February 13, 2012 - 5:39 pm

Beautiful post!!

Rosie - February 13, 2012 - 11:36 pm

Fantastic post!!! Loved it!! Xx

Jamie - February 18, 2012 - 11:47 pm

It’s such a relief to know that nothing is wrong with me because of the anxiety I felt leading up to Valentine’s Day! I found myself nearly dreading it, and of course this lead me to obsessively examine my feelings for my boyfriend and make sure that I did love him. Of course, this had never been a problem before, and we’ve been together for nearly three years. Valentine’s day always made me a bit nervous, there is so much pressure there, but it was much easier when I had the lovey-dovey feelings of an exciting new relationship to fuel my fire! This time around, however, I had found myself feeling less excited than in the past and it scared me. In fact, in January I found myself nearly mourning the loss of a relationship that I hadn’t even lost! My feelings and anxiety were so strong that they had convinced me in one night of panic that my relationship was over. It’s taken a lot of effort to pull myself out of that hole, but I’m slowly realizing how much power I have, and how real love isn’t about those butterflies and feelings of romantic bliss. I can choose to be with my boyfriend because I know it’s the right thing, and all the irrational anxiety in the world can’t change that!

And so with that thought in mind I decided to have as good of a Valentine’s Day as possible, but with no expectations. No expectations to feel a certain way, to feel an overwhelming sensation of love on this “magical” day. It ended up being a good time, all in all.

Day 1 of Giveaways on DepositaGift.com: The Conscious Bride Book Duo

One of the only wedding sites that I truly support, DepositaGift.com, is hosting a five day giveaway and launching it with my two books, The Conscious Bride and The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner. You can learn about the giveaway here.

Here’s the post:

It’s finally here … the first in our FIVE DAYS OF FREE GIVEAWAYS!! We’re starting out with something really great – a gift from The Conscious Bride, otherwise known as Sheryl Paul, a pioneer in the field of bridal counseling.

This is a MUST READ for every engaged couple. It’s called “The Conscious Bride” but in many ways it could be called “The Conscious Bride and Groom” because much of what is discussed is applicable to what both of you are going through in the major life transition. Getting married is wonderful and exciting, but let’s be honest, it’s emotional. At some point you’ll hitClick here to continue reading…

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Dr. Pat Love on Feel the Feelings but Do The Right Thing

A member of the Conscious Weddings E-Course forum shared a link to this video and it’s so right on I just have to share it here:

Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StumblersTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post

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Bettina - February 6, 2012 - 7:14 am

Oh Sheryl,
I love this! I guess in words of Inner Bonding she would say “don’t follow the truth of your WS but learn to educate it. Follow the truth of your core essence!”
It is sometimes hard to differentiate between wounded feelings and core feelings, but isn’t that the challenge…
I also really like with how much conviction and passion she talks about it, she seemed to have had such a big breakthrough on this…
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Bettina

Bettina - February 6, 2012 - 7:14 am

Oh%20Sheryl%2C
I%20love%20this!%20I%20guess%20in%20words%20of%20Inner%20Bonding%20she%20would%20say%20%22don’t%20follow%20the%20%20truth%20of%20your%20WS%20but%20learn%20to%20educate%20it.%20Follow%20the%20truth%20of%20your%20core%20essence!%22%20
It%20is%20sometimes%20hard%20to%20differentiate%20between%20wounded%20feelings%20and%20core%20feelings%2C%20but%20isn’t%20that%20the%20challenge…
I%20also%20really%20like%20with%20how%20much%20conviction%20and%20passion%20she%20talks%20about%20it%2C%20she%20seemed%20to%20have%20had%20such%20a%20big%20breakthrough%20on%20this…
Thank%20you%20so%20much%20for%20sharing%20this!
Bettina

Bettina - February 6, 2012 - 7:15 am

ups, sorry! :-)

Sammy - February 6, 2012 - 9:19 am

WOW!! This was incredible…like she was talking in my ear. Thank you for sharing!

lookingforthelight - February 13, 2012 - 5:45 pm

I never thought of anxiety as a Pavlovian Response. This really makes so much sense when you think about it.

Words from the Wounded Self

One of the most challenging steps in the healing process is de-fusing from the wounded  - or fear-based – self. Until you start to shine the light of consciousness onto the dark labyrinth of your inner world, you and your wounded self are fused into one seemingly seamless unit. If your core self is like your spinal cord, your wounded self is like a serpent wrapped tightly around this center line. Because you’ve been listening to the lies of the wounded self for a long time (usually your entire life), its voice sounds like your own voice; this is your running commentary.

The first step in de-fusing from the wounded self is to start to identify its lines: what’s the commentary that runs in the background of your thoughts, often so quiet that you can hardly hear it? (For a detailed explanation of the running commentary, please readClick here to continue reading…

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SB - February 2, 2012 - 1:40 pm

I hear: “He’s going to leave you.” and “You will find someone better and have that “The One” feeling and then you will have to leave him”. It’s simply horrible. Though I do see that these tracks are based in my fear of abandonment and my unrealistic expectations of perfect love. The more I read (I have started reading The Road Less Traveled and HIGHLY recommend it to other readers) and process these thoughts I am able to separate my true self from them and move on in my day.

That is not to say I am past these tracks but they are quieter now. One thing that I can say with 100% or 95% (because who is 100% sure of anything :) is that I do believe I would be having these thoughts regardless of who I was with because I have dealt with them all my life. It is kind of nice (in very twisted way) to be an anxiety filled person because I believe it is my fear that brought me here but it is also leading me on the path of growing up.

Sheryl Paul - February 2, 2012 - 4:17 pm

The Road Less Traveled is probably THE best book on learning about real love. You’re clearly doing great work on yourself and, yes, you would be having these thoughts no matter who you were with!

Blm5126 - February 3, 2012 - 12:04 pm

Perhaps part of the reason the moment of the proposal is so difficult and represents a moment of feeling disconnected from our core selves is because it is a moment when many of the negative false beliefs are directly contradicted. For example, I’ve noticed that some of my false beliefs are that I am not capable of real love and commitment and that I am a bad person who will just cheat on my fiancé (and soon husband!). At the moment of the proposal, you have a wonderful loving man who directly challenges those beliefs by saying to your core self:”I love who you are. You are an amazing, committed, and loving person. I know this so deeply that I want to spend my life with you.” The wounded self doesn’t know how to handle these contradictions between what it “knows” about you and what this amazing person is saying. With that deeper level of commitment you make by being engaged, the running commentary that you have had through your whole life comes back full force, trying to guide your actions to move you away from this person that contradicts your core false beliefs. The risk is greater with marriage, so the false beliefs try to make themselves louder. This leads to the thoughts that we then try to push down which eventually lead to anxiety attacks.

Sheryl Paul - February 5, 2012 - 12:18 pm

Beautifully said, BLM. Thank you for posting it here.

Brittany - April 13, 2012 - 10:20 am

Thank you for this article. I have this amazing man who loves me unconditionally, even after I broke off our engagement (that I was pushing for for several months) and fell into a deep depression. My thoughts took charge to the point of where I couldn’t distinguish the lies from reality. Its been over a year since I broke off our engagement and our relationship is stronger than ever, yet I still find myself falling back into the pit of lies. He makes me so happy in every way, but my thoughts trail off to “are you really happy?” and sometimes I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. Even though I know that it doesn’t get better than him (and I’m not just saying that, he really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me), why do I allow my thoughts to keep tormenting to where I second guess everything?