Category Archives: 20s

Birthday 40

Tomorrow I turn 40. As I sit here in the quiet pre-dawn hours while my family sleeps, I contemplate the concept that today is my last day of my 30s before I leap into a new decade. On the one hand, this transition feels arbitrary and a part of me rebels against the societal expectation that I should be feeling or doing something BIG. After all, do trees and animals count the passing of their days as meticulously as we do? Like New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, I wonder if birthdays are constructed to encourage people to consume. But on the other hand, I know that if I don’t acknowledge this in a way that feels meaningful to me, I’ll regret it. Arbitrary or not, tomorrow I turn 40 and I need to process that fact in a way that makes sense to me.

So I write. I write… Click here to continue reading…

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Sarah - November 4, 2011 - 4:18 pm

Happy Birthday Sheryl! Enjoy your day, and thanks for all you do….I know this website has meant a lot to me the past few months!

Suzie - November 4, 2011 - 5:14 pm

Happy birthday! May God bless you and your family. And thank you for all you do, and for staying true to your vocation- you’re a blessing to me, as I know you are to many people.

Jessica - November 4, 2011 - 7:47 pm

Absolutely beautiful, inspiring post. The world is blessed for your presence in it.

Mangala - November 4, 2011 - 10:45 pm

What a beautiful resilient courageous spirit you are! You light up the world with your crystal clear wisdom. Happy birthday!

Tanya - November 5, 2011 - 7:30 am

Happy Birthday Sheryl! Thank you for the gift of your website and wise words. May the year ahead be extra special xx

Ashley - November 5, 2011 - 7:48 am

Happy Birthday! I remember once chatting with a woman who was about to exit her saturn returns and she shared with me something that I will always remember: Age is a privilege. Over the years, especially this one, I’ve come to really understand what that means. Many, many blessings for your transition into a beautiful decade :)

Sheryl Paul - November 6, 2011 - 7:11 am

Thank you, everyone, for your beautiful wishes. I took them in on my birthday morning and they stayed with me all day. Much love, Sheryl

Marisa - November 6, 2011 - 8:37 pm

Awesome way to start a new decade! Happy birthday!

Valentina - November 8, 2011 - 1:14 pm

Happy, happy birthday from the heart Sheryl! Lots of love, health, joy and new dreams! May your 40s bring you everything you are wishing for! A wonderful post that reminded me of taking the time to celebrate special moments of our lives!

Voices of Anxiety: I’m Not Enough

Yesterday I took my sons to observe a Parkour class. I had never heard of Parkour until my husband pointed out that Everest has been doing it naturally around our house. I watched a few videos on it and thought, “Why not? Let’s give it a try.” It’s a street art that combines gymnastics, running, and leaping to create a Ninja-like, monkey-esque crazy amazing physical experience. My boys love watching it, are compelled to do it, and so it seemed like it could be a natural fit.

My current parenting motto is, “Go where the yes is.” I know there’s value in pushing even when there’s a “no”, and I do that as well at times, but for the most part I’m interested in supporting the stream of “yes” when I see it flowing in either of my boys. Sometimes it takes me a while to let go of my… Click here to continue reading…

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Bettina - October 19, 2011 - 3:28 pm

Sheryl, I LOVE that. Thank you so much. Your little boy seems to be very wise and intuitive. what a luck he has parents who give him the room for it and honour it.
Thank you for this post!
Bettina

Leisha - October 19, 2011 - 9:15 pm

Thank you as always for sharing your wisdom! Oddly,
I was part of a discussion on this very topic just last night! I definitely believe in the journey, but admittedly enjoy the recognition when I have achieved something I have worked hard at, although that’s not why I do things in the first place. Hmmm, so many thoughts on this matter for so many different facets of
life.

Emily - October 20, 2011 - 1:31 am

I just want to say thank you for this article. It was a blessing to me. Sometimes we need someone like you to remind us of our worthiness. Thifhelimbilu

alysonk - October 20, 2011 - 6:44 am

Love this. Grace is key! We need to stop being so hard on others and on ourselves. It’s an endless cycle.

Sheryl, your wisdom is inspiring and so helpful. Thank you for these posts!

Sheryl Paul - October 20, 2011 - 11:00 am

It’s wonderful to receive recognition for your achievements. The problem arises when your self-worth is linked to receiving the recognition instead of connected to your intrinsic worthiness. It sounds like your motivation to achieve is arising from a natural and authentic place inside of you!

Katie Abalos - October 20, 2011 - 3:23 pm

Thank you Sheryl for your wonderful post, it made my day reminding me of something that’s usually forgotten! :)

Carole - October 22, 2011 - 10:26 am

Thanks for this post, Sheryl! I can relate to the feeling of now what after graduation and marriage. Learning that I am worthy just as I am is a growing theme in my life lately. Thanks for this!

Sheryl Paul - October 22, 2011 - 7:13 pm

You’re welcome!

Sopotito - October 25, 2011 - 4:03 pm

Thank you for these wise words. I hope I could learn how to put them into practice in my life.

You descibe very accurately the situation in which I find myself at the moment, not having any idea who I am separate from my externals after graduation, in my thirties (after the official “identity searching” years should already be over), having entered a serious relationship which is getting more serious all the time… I realize I have been concerned just about “what I do” and have no clue whatsoever about “what I am”. And it’s also been very much about “what I should or have to do” and not about “what I want to do or feel like doing”.

I’ve lost track of who I am so completely I don’t even know where to start looking. I’ve been to a counselor all these years but could never really connect with her. As I felt it did not help me at all I stopped going there about two years ago. Now I’m on my own, endlessly questioning everything I’ve done so far and everything I do or plan doing next, which doesn’t help me at all to find out who I really am, instead it just makes me more anxious.

I hope I had someone around like your son has you, someone who understands and supports. Still I feel lucky that I’ve found your blog and your writings, which give me comfort and new ideas. Thank you.

Sheryl Paul - October 25, 2011 - 8:28 pm

I’m so glad you found your way here. Most people grow up and have no idea who they are because their core essence was never reflected back to them. While it’s important to grieve this lack of reflection and guidance, the good news is that it’s entirely possible to discover who you are and learn how to make decisions when you develop the Loving Adult that you never had as a child. This is what I teach in my counseling practice through Inner Bonding, and if you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to head over to innerbonding.com to check out this powerful and highly effective self-healing process.

Sopotito - November 13, 2011 - 4:02 am

Thank you very much for your reply. Fortunately I’ve found my way to the innerbonding.com website through your blog and am slowly trying to start working on this.

Reading your blog and the articles in the innerbonding.com website have been a great start, thank you. Unfrotunately there’s so much more going on in life all the time, that it’s difficult to find the time to dig deep in these issues, but I’m struggling because I know I really need to work on this.

Sheryl Paul - November 13, 2011 - 4:14 pm

I know that life is busy, but saying “I don’t have time to connect inward” is like saying to a young child, “I know you need me, but I will only carve out time when it’s convenient.” Life doesn’t work that way, and if you think of your Inner Child like an actual child, it may inspire you to make more time for her even when life takes over!

Anxious? You're One Of The Lucky Ones

There are a lot of questions that almost every client I have asks. Among them are: “Does it really have to be this hard?” and variations on that theme: “Why aren’t my other friends and co-workers going through this?” Anxiety and doubt ache through the questions and longing presses through every word: they’re wishing that they could glide through their transition like the people they see around them. I usually respond with something like, “Actually, you’re one of the lucky ones.” I’m sure that initially they think I’m crazy, but after a few sessions they usually agree.

Anxiety is always a calling for consciousness. When we’re in an anxious state, it’s because we’re ready for the next stage of growth. As transitions are inherently opportunities to grow, it makes sense that anxiety would precede the painful, yet important, growth process. Anxiety is so uncomfortable and often debilitating that we… Click here to continue reading…

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minnesota:madre | Sarah Jane - June 1, 2010 - 6:04 pm

Just wanted to say again that I’m so glad to have found your blog!

Natalie - June 1, 2010 - 6:05 pm

Great post Sheryl! As hard as it is when anxiety creeps into my life, I’m so glad I experienced all I did prior to and in the year after my wedding. Finding the Conscious Weddings site was the best thing I could have done. Your site and the work you’ve done, along with the women I “met” on that forum gave me the terminology to understand what was going on inside of me. Along with that, it gave me the courage to go to a therapist and learn a little more about myself (well, confirm what I already knew about myself). I know anxiety is something I will deal with for my life. However, after going through the pre/post-wedding anxiety, I feel like I can handle anything.

Thank you for your work. Without it, I don’t know where I’d be today.

Sheryl Paul - June 1, 2010 - 7:50 pm

Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here!

Sheryl Paul - June 1, 2010 - 7:52 pm

Thank you, Natalie. And I know you’ve been a real inspiration and source of support to countless women who have been in your anxious shoes during their engagement – so thank you for taking the time to pass on the wisdom.

Joanne nager - June 4, 2010 - 6:52 pm

Dear Sheryl,
I actually had a similar experience once with my then long -term boyfriend who felt far more seriously about the relationship than I did at that time. I have often thought it was the stress, indecisiveness and ambivalence about his wanting a marital commitment that led to my panic attack and forced me to finally address whether the relationship would be part of my life or not.
Have you ever wondered if perhaps that was a part of your case/panic attack as well ? and part of the path that led you to this fine work you do?
best, Joanne

Avantika - January 6, 2011 - 1:46 am

HI Sheryl, im goin thru the same pain…ive been engaged to a guy.. the most lovable person ive ever met in my life… we have had a long distance relationship for 5 years.. n i know i stil love him.. but wen we meet, i jus get anxiety attacks but cannot tel my parents as they cannot understand why i face this since i know this guy and its a love marriage goin to happen next year… im drastically loosin weight.. idunno where my life is takin me.. but i cannot even dream of not gettin married to this guy whom i love… i get wierd questions in mind when i have panic attacks.. and my heart races like never before… i hate these attacks in me, this prevents me frm being myself, the bubbly girl.. :(

KP - February 25, 2011 - 1:45 pm

Hello Everyone, I wanted to share a song by Amanada Marshall that is really helping me right now. I wanted it to share it with everyone. Trust in the love you have with your partner, love is stronger than fear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwn1ninmmgg&feature=fvsr

Amanda Marshall- Trust me

Bettina - August 17, 2011 - 5:05 pm

Sheryl,
I am rereading this post for the third time I guess, and I love it the more I read it.
It just occured to me that you wrote that the anxiety started when you were 21; and took about 7 years;
did you know that in the philosophy of Rudolpf Steiner he speaks about the “rebirth” that we all do, consciously or unconsciously, every 7 years? I think it fits perfectly to the 21 (2 * 7) and the next 7 years…
I guess Steiner believes in 7 years because these are the 7 years where children go through the most important stages of development. I find this is a great thought.
Isn’t Everest turning 7 as well? :-)
thank you for that post, again, and for everything.
I really start to understand what you mean with transitions now.
Bettina

Sheryl Paul - August 17, 2011 - 5:46 pm

That’s fascinating about Steiner and it makes so much sense! And yes, Everest just turned 7 and it felt like an enormous difference in his development. I’m glad the information about transitions is sinking in : )

Jodie - August 28, 2011 - 6:31 pm

Thank you KP for sharing that song! It was definitely what I needed tonight! I have been engaged for a month and have had anxiety since the moment he asked, despite the fact that we have been talking about getting married for over a year (and have been dating 4).

I have been frantically searching the internet for help and have come across this site numerous times, and each time it gives me a sense of peace (at least until the next panic attack). I felt like I was the only one going through this. Thankfully my finance is amazing and has been very supportive through it all, listening and giving me a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I am still dealing with the anxiety on a daily basis, and have turned to God and His word for guidance too. I feel that this is a mountain for me that will also pass, I just need to wait for the right time to experience my peace. I do plan on seeing a counselor, and am have an appointment with the doctor this week. (I have had bouts of anxiety in the past and had been on medication for it).

I just want people to know that they are not alone. The anxiety comes and goes, but you just have to have faith. I keep telling myself that this is anxiety, and this is normal. But think of how amazing it will be to look back at this mountain!

Thank you so much for this site and all of the people who post their stories on it. They really do help. I am desperately trying to get a copy of Conscious Brides, but it seems to be sold out everywhere. Again, this confirms…we are not alone!

Sheryl Paul - August 28, 2011 - 7:22 pm

Jodie – Thank you for this honest and wise comment. Have you tried to order “The Conscious Bride” on amazon? I’m sure you can find it there. Also, I can’t encourage you strongly enough to consider The Conscious Wedding eCourse: From Anxiety to Serenity.” It was created for women and men who are struggling with exactly the kind of anxiety you’re describing, and it’s truly the greatest gift you can give to yourself during this life-altering transition. If money is a concern, please write to me directly using the contact form above and we can work something out. The sooner you get a handle on your anxiety, the easier it is to pull it up by the roots and eradicate it once and for all. Medication can help take the edge off, but it won’t address the root issues, and until those are addressed, you will struggle with anxiety unnecessarily. Blessings to you.

Surviving Your Twenties: The Myth of Being an Adult

“I found my twenties to be very difficult,” says Lisa Kudrow in an interview with the Sunday Chronicle. “You have all this information on your side, but you don’t have the experience to judge it. I had been crying for two weeks, every day, so I started seeing a therapist.”

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Anna - April 1, 2010 - 8:19 am

I’m glad you posted this, Sheryl. I have found my 20s to be a time of struggling to find some sort of identity. I know one thing that keeps me from moving toward parenthood is the thought of losing my childhood and finally having to “grow up” and be a real adult – even though I am already by every definition of the term. I wish more people recognize that grieving is part of the process!

Sheryl Paul - April 1, 2010 - 8:25 am

I think at each major transition there’s a letting go of childhood and growing up that has to occur. Yes, I wish more people recognized how important it is to grieve at each stage, and that the more we allow ourselves to grieve the more we can joyously embrace the new stage. There’s so much resistance to grieving in our culture which, I think, is connected to our fundamental denial and fear of death. In order to move through transitions consciously there has to be a recognition that death is part of the process. We use words like “letting go” to make it more palatable, but it’s really death and dying that we’re talking about, which terrifies most people (me included!). More on this in future posts…

Natalie - April 1, 2010 - 12:32 pm

While I found this post very interesting, it was only made more interesting by your response to Anna’s comment. Fear of death and dying is HUGE for me (what it feels like after I die) and I know it’s a huge part of my fear of getting older and “growing up.” Finding the Conscious Weddings board has allowed me to realize that every transition is a death and rebirth process, and it all makes total sense to me now logically. When I’m experiencing anxiety, I know it’ll pass and I feel more able to deal with it. My 20s have been challenging and I’m looking forward to a time where I feel more comfortable in my skin… even if it’s another 20 years from now. I’m about to enter my last year of my 20s and I feel much more secure and like I know myself much better. And I feel I have your site to thank because without it, I wouldn’t have this understanding of all of this.

Sheryl Paul - April 1, 2010 - 3:29 pm

The fear of death is so big for many people and it’s really at the heart of transition anxiety – which makes increasingly more sense to me why so many people resist talking about transitions. In transitions we ARE dying to an old stage of life and identity and if our relationship to death is tenuous, the anxiety will be activated. I wrote about this in my Master’s thesis (which turned into The Conscious Bride) and this conversation – as well as several of my sessions this week – is inspiring me to go look up what I wrote all those years ago.

So wonderful to see the Conscious Weddings message board members here! Thank you for writing and sharing.

And Natalie, life is so much easier once you reach 30. You will feel more and more comfortable in your skin as you move through your 30s – I promise you!

Allan - July 9, 2010 - 9:34 pm

Hi Sheryl,
First of all I so appreciate and admire your work! Somehow I always end up with a smile and a warm feeling inside after reading your articles :)
I really hope you are right about feeling better in your skin at your 30′s! cause I feel like I’m having a huge responsibility on my shoulders once I reach 30. Not just suddenly of course, there has been a natural development in many area’s which took years, but 30 is really the sacred number for me. I absolutely want to literally cut the robes of many of my attachments, and forcefully start a new way of living. I’m convinced this will do me good, because the drastic way has always been the best way for me, for several reasons, and, like I wrote, there has been some development as well, leading to this choice. However, what I’m concerned about is that, though biologically I’m transitioning from my 20′s to my 30′s, in some way it feels like I’m transitioning from my adolescence to young adulthood. You explained already in your article, that nowadays it’s all being delayed anyhow. But I think in my case I also have a kind of a general lateness in the sense that some special circumstances, both internal and external, never allowed me to transition from adolescence into young adult hood and it is only now, after 5 years of living on my own (before I was always somehow dependent on others), that I actually feel the excitement of a whole live ahead of me (which normally happens at young adult hood). So I have this weird feeling that my biological clock is transitioning into my 30′s (after all the body never lies) but my consciousness is way behind ,so there’s a gab of 10 years between my consciousness and my body. So I was wondering if you could say something on that.

admin - August 22, 2010 - 2:32 pm

Hi Allan,

Thank you for this comment and I’m so glad the blog is has been helpful. It sounds like you’re right on track with your understanding of your current transition. I wouldn’t say that there’s as much of a gap between your body and your consciousness as you think there is : ) In other words, yes, biologically you’re entering your 30s, and your consciousness seems very aligned with this leap, so from where I stand I don’t see much of a disparity. What matters more than your body and consciousness being in alignment is that you honor this transition as thoroughly as possible, asking yourself the important questions about what you’re leaving behind, what you need to grieve, what aspects of yourself you hope to expand during the rebirth aspect of your transition.

I hope that’s helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Sheryl

KD - December 28, 2010 - 7:00 pm

This is the first time I have read this post and I am thankful I did. I am 25 (almost 26) and still trying to navigate adult life.

I think young women and men today are in a unique spot. We’re brought up to believe that we’ll be rock stars and make millions by the age of 30. We’ll be ivy leaguers and we’ll have successful careers and eventually great marriages.

But reality has changed… we’re graduating from school and entering an unstable workplace or moving back in with our parents. We’re trying to be independent, but so often lean on the people and the things that have always brough us comfort (ex: parents). And, while I feel ahead of the game in some respects, I know I am less independent than my parents were at my age, as they were less than their parents before them.

I’ve definitely blossomed since my teenage years, and I hope I continue to do so as I approach 3-0. However, I know I am still sorting out who I am and what I want. And just as we wish we knew back when what we know now, I too wish I knew what I was doing. I guess I am still undergoing that crazy beautiful transition :)

Sheryl Paul - December 28, 2010 - 7:38 pm

So beautifully said, KD : ) Thank you, as always, for your honest and insightful comment.

sarah - December 28, 2010 - 8:27 pm

My 20s have been nothing like I’ve expected (which reminds me of checking and letting go of expectations) and I can only hope and pray that my 30s come with more clarity and confidence. Like Allan said, I’m wanting to cut ties with so many of my attachments, from my furniture to overall lifestyle. I want to fully cleanse my life and start anew, living life the way I choose to rather than how I’ve just ended up living. Living consciously is so simple yet so complicated (at least while in a relationship, it seems, when someone else’s feelings are involved).

I’ve absolutely been feeling the fear of death lately and am starting to recognize how that is a huge factor in keeping me stuck. Moving forward means being that much closer to death (literally) and by not moving forward I’m preventing myself from benefiting from this transition.

tony - April 10, 2011 - 11:49 pm

Excellent, excellent article…put a lot of things in perspective for me.

Trevor - August 25, 2011 - 5:55 am

Thank you so much for posting this.

Sheryl Paul - August 25, 2011 - 7:56 am

You’re welcome : )

Sopotito - October 25, 2011 - 3:26 pm

I couldn’t agree more with what Sarah wrote:

“Moving forward means being that much closer to death (literally) and by not moving forward I’m preventing myself from benefiting from this transition.”

It’s exactly how I feel, too. On the other hand, I’m now 32 and I feel I still don’t have (almost) any clue about who I am and what I want of my life. Maybe a bit more than ten years ago, but not much. And at least I was much more hopeful ten years ago – I felt I had so many opportunities ahead of me, which have disappeared during this last decade for me.

I know I should and think I’d also like to move forward, but besides my fear of getting older (ie. fear of dying), what is keeping me stuck is also the fact that I’m fed up of moving on just for the sake of moving on, like I did during my teenager years and my 20s… At this point, I’d love to finally be able to find a clearer direction. It’s making me very anxious not to have one, but I feel I’ve searched for it already everywhere and don’t know what else to try anymore, so I end up doing nothing, which makes me feel even more anxious…

I seem to not have any answers, but I thank you Sheryl and all you wonderful people who write on these boards for at least making me ask myself new questions and think about my situation from new perspectives.

(P.S. Maybe you should write an article about the 30s too :)