Conscious Transitions » Lessons in Letting Go

What is really ironic is that I remember singing this song and chreographing a dance to it in my basement with my friends. How ironic is it that now I’m using this music with my transitions! Life is funny sometimes : )

I always thought that I was suppose to be so extremely happy, that this is what real happiness feels like when I was with my fiance at the beginning. And then when I got hit with this anxiety it makes me think that this is not what I wanted, because it didn’t work out as I planned in being happy, but this is what I need, I just can’t feel it right now. So frustrating.

Thank you Janelle,

No I really don’t think that any thoughts that you mentioned were crazy. I too think sometimes that I’m in love with my FI friends actually every single guy. When a man looks at me I get extremely paranoyed, it does feel crazy, the first four months I would avoid going out anywhere because of these thoughts, and now I still think that but I try to use the ‘thought is just a thought’ technique. I think because my feeling are so numbed out for my fiance that it’s almost like he blends in with all other men. Did you at all feel the love or excitement during your engagement? It’s horrible, the paranoya is horrible. I think it won’t ever go away. I can’t feel the love and sometimes when I do or get excited, the thoughts kick in and I go back into the deep hole. It’s just so hard to think how things are going to be in three four nine months, which is when my wedding is. I love my fiance so much, and sometimes I really don’t think I do. Sometimes, I want to end it, sometimes I don’t. These thoughts any thoughts really make me feel so guilty. I’m the first advicate to tell everyone I know that I’m scared, everyone who congratulates me I thank them and then I tell them that I’m scared and they look at me and ask me if I’m sure I want to get married. It’s been horrible, but atleast I’m acting a little better on the outside, but still drowning on the inside. My FI tells me that I look and act a lot better then the first five months, which is so great to hear. I haven’t felt that closeness in so long, complete disconnection, I think that out of everything that hurts the most. Then recentely I’ve just basically been oblivious, sort of like he’s there, atleast in my head, because my actions still speak to like I’m so in love with him. He knows everything that I’ve been going through from the very beginning and I advise every anxious bride to share their feeling with their fiances because that really saved my relationship. I’ve learned that before anything my fiance is my best friend, and even though I look at him and think that these thoughts and lack of feeling will never end I know that I have no where else to go but towards my future with him.

Magda,

My husband saved me too. I remember saying to him one time “I think that I like Mike”. Then he told me it’s okay if you feel like you like other people just as long as you don’t act on it. Then he asked me if I felt like I needed to date other guys and I said no! Well then of course fear played with my mind and I thought that I did like the other guy and maybe needed to date other people. I will tell you though- this was all fear!!!!

This is a technique that I use now with my fear thoughts– and it takes a lot of practice to get used to. You can use this technique with the thought of “I like Mike”. Say to yourself “do you think you like mike right now in this moment?” And believe it or not if you feel like the answer is yes say “yes I feel like I like him right now” and let yourself feel that and DO NOT JUDGE YOURSELF. The thing that took me a long time to figure out was just because I may feel one way in the moment doesn’t mean that’s how I actually feel. And trust me when I answered yes to the questions i bawled my eyes out. But I would keep asking myself the same question kinda like taking an inventory on myself and sometimes i would say “yes i do like him” and sometimes “no i do not like him”. Now looking back I didn’t like anyone it was the fear and me grieving my single life I just needed to attached a face to it.

After I got married the questions I had was “are you SURE you did the right thing?” And again I let myself say both yes and no to it and tried not to judge myself. Some days I thought no I didn’t do the right thing and some days I thought yes I did do the right thing. Every time a questions pops up it’s hard to use this strategy and I cry every time but now I’m learning it’s okay. I don’t know if anyone else’s uses this strategy but it works for me.

Also, you are so blessed to have such an understanding fiance. I will tell you that my husband and I are so much closer after the engagement. We are now going through another transition (i’m still working on the wedding transition) and with this transition I was able to open up to him so much easier and say I’m scared. I was too scared to tell him early on during the engagement that I was scared!

The one thing that kept me grounded was knowing that before we were engaged I knew I wanted to marry him and have babies with him- it wasn’t really a question. It was easy to say that I wanted to get married and have babies b/c I didn’t analyze every horrible thing that I did during my engagement. Also, remember how well your fiance knows you. He knows the REAL you! He can see that the thought are not ‘you’. He sounds like a wonderful guy!

Oh and one more thing, I kept reading that peoples anxious thoughts only lasted for like 3-4 months. Mine started almost from the moment of proposal and lasted till the wedding which was a year later. I still have them and I’ve been married for 6 months. Now the intensity of thoughts lighten up over time so it’s not like I was in the throws of anxiety for that long~ but you get the picture don’t put a timeline on anything!

Hopefully this help : )