Category Archives: Anxiety

Lessons from the Mat: Meeting the Resistance

One of the most challenging roadblocks on the healing journey is working with resistance. Many of my clients feel split between two opposing forces: one part of them longs for healing and the accompanying sense of joy and fulfillment and the other part offers compelling reasons at every turn why healing and joy aren’t possible.

Many people who struggle with resistance learn that they carry an arsenal of false beliefs stacked up like a brick barricade that prevents them from moving forward in their healing process. In these cases, it’s essential to examine the false belief contained in each brick and slowly, repetitively, replace it with the truth. For example, many people resist taking full responsibility for their well-being because they carry a belief that someone else should rescue them or could do it better than they could. Once the false belief is brought to consciousness, the work is then… Click here to continue reading…

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ildiko - March 9, 2012 - 3:45 am

Sheryl, this touched me so deeply.. i loved your reminder of getting down onto our child’s level – literally, meeting him/her eye to eye..I had a dream w/ my Spirit-Son last night and the essence of it was that he was so vulnerable, yet so invincible, indestructible.. no matter how many mistakes I made, he was not destroyed, he was hurt but not crushed.. always wanting to e w/ me, full of peace and dignity, settled and calm, knowing that “It’s All Well”..
This was the second such dream this week and I am so grateful. I asked him to send me a message, a sign, that he’s well, he’s forgiven me and he knows that my true essence always loved and still loves him and that my earth-being is simply still too clumsy to manifest the true love that I have inside my heart. This is so frustrating for us, humans, that we sometimes even give up..
Yet, I love the feeling when I feel my IC, and manage to treat her w/ compassion and understanding. “Yes, it’s hard to be present and feel, being so vulnerable and “weak”, it’s scary and unfamiliar.. yet we need to practice more of this type of “strength”, this is where we are connected to Guidance, Safety, and this is when we are “invincible and indestructible”..

Nikki - March 9, 2012 - 8:59 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. I needed this so much right now. Seems God keeps sending me the same messages over and over again and I feel so grateful for His patience as I try to learn the lesson. I am struggling at work and where we are in life in general. I love yoga and can easily see how I can apply all these ideas. Linda Popov speaks of something very similarly in her book The Pace of Grace and we practice the same thing with children in the RIE approach. How often I forget to do the same thing with myself! At work when I am trying to comfort a screaming baby and I feel like I am going to cry myself, I pray for patience and love however, yesterday I gave myself permission to feel the frustration and anger like you suggest in your Birthing a New Mother Program and it really helped! Thank you so much!

Kim - March 9, 2012 - 11:48 am

Hi Sheryl – love this article on resistance! Are there times when it is important to honour our inner child…when it really is too much, and if so how do we know? Is it a question of guidance? Kim

Sheryl Paul - March 9, 2012 - 1:10 pm

Kim: There are absolutely times when you need to honor your Inner Child. It’s a matter of learning the difference between true need and something that can pushed a bit. As with an actual child, there’s a fine line between honoring and gently nudging when you know that she or he is capable of more. And that differs from child to child and from situation to situation. For example, many parenting experts will say that a child needs to sleep in his own bed by a certain again, while others will say it’s important to honor to follow the child’s lead. There are no hard and fast rules in parenting (contrary to what the “experts” say, just as there are no hard and fast rules when your Inner Child. And for a highly sensitive child, the honoring will have to be more attuned and there’s not as much wiggle room!

Vanessa - March 9, 2012 - 2:55 pm

Empathy and reflecting back to my toddler her emotions respectfully has been like magic for her. I love seeing her realize that she is heard and validated. And that was all she needed.

Sheryl Paul - March 9, 2012 - 5:23 pm

It’s been magic here, too. It never worked quite like this for my first child but for the little one it’s usually all he needs. And isn’t it what we all need…?!

Kim - March 10, 2012 - 8:14 am

Thanks so much for this clarification Sheryl :)

Mary - March 11, 2012 - 5:04 am

Dear Sheryl,

Wow, this piece hit the nail on the head for me. I have never fully accepted who I am in the moment and have always been my biggest critic. I have always tended to look for others to come to my rescue since fear of the known and unknown have and still makes me its prisoner. My inner child deserves better than to be told you are nothing and will forever be nothing. I am a recovering alcoholic and what you wrote here can help me in my recovery. I am over one year sober and at times, I feel the process of recovery is just starting.

At the age of 53, when most are thinking of retirement, I am working at a supermarket as a part-time cashier. Through decades of addiction, I never fully prepared myself for my future. That is when my biggest critic comes into play. Through decades of addiction, my inner child is right here since addiction stunts one’s emotional growth.

I am working with a therapist and after reading this piece, I will have something to talk to her about in my next session. I thank you for writing it, Sheryl.

Sincerely,
Mary!

Adelina - March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am

Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humour – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)

Adelina - March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am

Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humor – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)

It’s Like Arguing With a Three Year Old

My almost three year old is going through the “terrible twos.” I never fully understood that phrase as our older son seemed to skip over it, but now I get it: Asher is testing his boundaries and experimenting with his sense of power and control in the hopes of learning that he’s not the most powerful person in this house. The way it’s manifesting for him is that he’s trying to control everyone here. I’ll give you some examples:

He insists that everyone follow his regimen for getting dressed in the morning. In other words, if I put on my clothes before he does, he screams incessantly at me: “MOMMY, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR PAJAMAS BACK ON!” This can go on for half an hour. He’s tried the same demand on Everest but it didn’t go very far.
He has a specific order for how we turn

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Sarah - February 22, 2012 - 7:53 am

What a wonderfully compassionate-yet-firm way of handling temper tantrums. The idea of children trying to control things has been on my mind lately. I don’t have children of my own, but I have some smaller piano students that, while they’re past the meltdown stage, still try and figure out who is in charge during a piano lesson. I think it’s awesome that you’re teaching him about boundaries, how to handle big emotions, and that these strong feelings don’t detract from your love. And also a great thought when related to anxiety. I often feel like my “inner child” needs to rage and cry and melt down a little. And when I let her do that, the storm passes a lot quicker than when I say “that’s ridiculous…settle down and get over it.” Thanks for the post!

Sheryl Paul - February 22, 2012 - 9:38 pm

Yes, Sarah, so much of the work with ourselves is learning to allow the thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them or resisting them, while remembering that we don’t have to be a victim to the thoughts and feelings!

Marisa - February 23, 2012 - 8:09 am

Whenever I read your posts, I instantly wish I had known about them 7 years ago, or had met someone like you that could have helped me see a little clearer through the darkness of the hole in which I was running around in circles. After my wishing is over, I feel deeply grateful for your presence on the web and in my life!

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 12:10 pm

Thank you, Marisa. Such kind words and I’m so glad you’ve found this now.

sarah - February 23, 2012 - 9:51 pm

sheryl, i think it’s great, too, that you’re also teaching him that you’re not afraid of his big feelings. not only is he learning that he can handle them, but also that you’ll still love him when it’s over, that you are that solid rock and source of stability when he’s feeling out of control. he’s so lucky to have you as a mother. :)
as i continue in my own healing process, i’m learning how much i wanted my parents to show up for me in that way and how they gave in to my demands. i can still feel that part of me that wishes they had said no (and then later, when i was engaged, how i wished J had said it), told me everything was going to be okay when i was scared, and set more firm boundaries. i, therefore, formed just another false belief: that i’m too much, so in order to be loved, i have to keep things small and to myself. as you know, i’m now learning to say those things to myself, but it’s helpful to know that of course it’s difficult when it hasn’t been modeled.

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 10:44 pm

Thank you, Sarah. And I’m so lucky to have my boys as my greatest spiritual teachers! The belief of “I’m too much” is so common, especially when you’re highly sensitive and had parents who didn’t now how to reflect and contain your big feelings. Yes, it’s very difficult when it hasn’t been modeled, but you’re doing GREAT work on yourself and I have no doubt that you will heal the beliefs that are keeping you limited and small.

sarah - February 25, 2012 - 1:13 pm

thank you, sheryl. i feel so grateful to have you supporting and teaching me along this journey. i don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like without having gone through this amazing transformation. as hard as it’s been, i’m still thankful and feel so much stronger.

Leah - February 28, 2012 - 7:24 pm

Thank you. This was really timely for me. I’ve been letting my inner three year old, six year old, everyone, take over and giving into demands. My life is slowly spinning out (though at this point my inner adult is at least present enough to know I’ll get through this). Anyway, thanks again.

monique lusse - February 29, 2012 - 8:29 am

thanks, sheryl. i don’t have kids of my own, but i do have an 84-year-old mother who is in a remarkable similar place as your asher. i’m finding that what is true for a 3-year-old around loving boundries is also true for her. go figure!

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:39 am

That’s really interesting, Monique – and actually makes a lot of sense as people often become more childlike in the later part of life.

Words from the Wounded Self

One of the most challenging steps in the healing process is de-fusing from the wounded  - or fear-based – self. Until you start to shine the light of consciousness onto the dark labyrinth of your inner world, you and your wounded self are fused into one seemingly seamless unit. If your core self is like your spinal cord, your wounded self is like a serpent wrapped tightly around this center line. Because you’ve been listening to the lies of the wounded self for a long time (usually your entire life), its voice sounds like your own voice; this is your running commentary.

The first step in de-fusing from the wounded self is to start to identify its lines: what’s the commentary that runs in the background of your thoughts, often so quiet that you can hardly hear it? (For a detailed explanation of the running commentary, please readClick here to continue reading…

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SB - February 2, 2012 - 1:40 pm

I hear: “He’s going to leave you.” and “You will find someone better and have that “The One” feeling and then you will have to leave him”. It’s simply horrible. Though I do see that these tracks are based in my fear of abandonment and my unrealistic expectations of perfect love. The more I read (I have started reading The Road Less Traveled and HIGHLY recommend it to other readers) and process these thoughts I am able to separate my true self from them and move on in my day.

That is not to say I am past these tracks but they are quieter now. One thing that I can say with 100% or 95% (because who is 100% sure of anything :) is that I do believe I would be having these thoughts regardless of who I was with because I have dealt with them all my life. It is kind of nice (in very twisted way) to be an anxiety filled person because I believe it is my fear that brought me here but it is also leading me on the path of growing up.

Sheryl Paul - February 2, 2012 - 4:17 pm

The Road Less Traveled is probably THE best book on learning about real love. You’re clearly doing great work on yourself and, yes, you would be having these thoughts no matter who you were with!

Blm5126 - February 3, 2012 - 12:04 pm

Perhaps part of the reason the moment of the proposal is so difficult and represents a moment of feeling disconnected from our core selves is because it is a moment when many of the negative false beliefs are directly contradicted. For example, I’ve noticed that some of my false beliefs are that I am not capable of real love and commitment and that I am a bad person who will just cheat on my fiancé (and soon husband!). At the moment of the proposal, you have a wonderful loving man who directly challenges those beliefs by saying to your core self:”I love who you are. You are an amazing, committed, and loving person. I know this so deeply that I want to spend my life with you.” The wounded self doesn’t know how to handle these contradictions between what it “knows” about you and what this amazing person is saying. With that deeper level of commitment you make by being engaged, the running commentary that you have had through your whole life comes back full force, trying to guide your actions to move you away from this person that contradicts your core false beliefs. The risk is greater with marriage, so the false beliefs try to make themselves louder. This leads to the thoughts that we then try to push down which eventually lead to anxiety attacks.

Sheryl Paul - February 5, 2012 - 12:18 pm

Beautifully said, BLM. Thank you for posting it here.

Brittany - April 13, 2012 - 10:20 am

Thank you for this article. I have this amazing man who loves me unconditionally, even after I broke off our engagement (that I was pushing for for several months) and fell into a deep depression. My thoughts took charge to the point of where I couldn’t distinguish the lies from reality. Its been over a year since I broke off our engagement and our relationship is stronger than ever, yet I still find myself falling back into the pit of lies. He makes me so happy in every way, but my thoughts trail off to “are you really happy?” and sometimes I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. Even though I know that it doesn’t get better than him (and I’m not just saying that, he really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me), why do I allow my thoughts to keep tormenting to where I second guess everything?

From Anxiety to Creativity/Spirituality

My clients and e-course members are some of the wisest, most compassionate, creative, kind, and loving people with whom I’ve ever come into contact. They’re interesting, intelligent, introspective, and curious. Are there any adjectives I’ve left out?! Oh, just one: they’re also the most anxious.

It’s an interesting paradox of life that opposites are often paired together : We cannot have daytime without night or light without darkness. Spring and summer cannot exist without autumn and winter. We cannot feel true joy without opening our hearts to pain, grief, and loss. And the multi-dimensional richness of human beings generally includes straddling the apparent opposites of the positive characteristics I’ve listed above with the darker territories of the human psyche.

And now I’m about the contradict myself: anxiety, instead of being a permanent state of psyche, is a doorway into deeper growth and expanded consciousness. In my younger years… Click here to continue reading…

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Janelle - January 24, 2012 - 8:08 pm

Love this! This is so true for me

“To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.”

I don’t have a middle ground, I have to be extremely content or very sad….I don’t have a middle ground. This is something that I continue to work on after the wedding : )

Ashley - January 25, 2012 - 7:30 am

oh Sheryl! this is BEAUTIFUL! your poem in particular. so soothing. so gentle. so accepting. thank you for the work you do and share with others.

sarah - January 25, 2012 - 7:38 pm

this is amazing. i was especially touched by your opening paragraph; it’s nice to be reminded of the light when the darkness can feel so consuming. i know i have so much to offer this world and that anxiety can easily get the best of me. but with your support, i’m learning that I’m not my anxiety. it’s great working with you. :)

Judy - January 27, 2012 - 8:12 am

Thank-you Sheryl again for a great article & I believe there are no mistakes in the world…many of us “sensitive” people are going through anxiety right now as the world shifts…making us feel even more vulnerable…I have been having this expereince for the past week or so….so your article had perfect timing.
I also agree that at least for me that when I am not creative I am clearly more anxious…nice to read about the correlations…
Thank-you …Namaste

Lizbeth - January 27, 2012 - 9:17 am

I agree completely with you Sheryl. I realized this summer that my creativity was my link to Source and the spiritual connection I had been seeking all my life. Now when I get up in the morning and go to sleep I feel a calmness I have never known before. Like you said, I often wake up with entire ideas implanted in my brain, or solutions to problems, or just comforting thoughts about setting my intentions for a joyful, productive, creative, and inspiring day.

Rather than stress about everything I NEED to do, I honor my feelings and take time to do what feels right. I do the things that feed my soul, and spark my creativity rather than shut it down….and I think it is making me a better person, parent, wife, friend…etc.

I am about to engage in a 7 week course in Kabbalah 101. I like what they are saying…am hoping it is going to keep me on track and provide me with “like-minded” people as I explore this deeper connection to myself and others.

Sheryl Paul - January 27, 2012 - 8:24 pm

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Liz, I love what you’ve shared here and I particularly look forward to hearing about your Kabbalah class!

Shannon Rose Watson - January 27, 2012 - 10:22 pm

Sheryl dear, Thank you so much for this post. Again you and your words come to me in the dead of night to inspire and encourage me to continue on my path. These words resonates so strongly for me and speaks to a younger version of myself as an artist, trapped in anxiety and fears that I remember, but no longer serve.

The first and last time we communicated was a year and a half ago when I responded about a post on transitions and moving. It was a very valuable exchange for me and it reinforced what I knew from my Waldorf training about story and laying the foundation for changes in a child’s life, to reach the child where they are at in their imagination. I was already telling oral stories to help prepare my daughter for the move and our correspondance further inspired me to create an actual book with a story and phots to document where her life had been and where we were going in her real life. It worked like magic and the transition went so smooth that friends around us still talk to us about how that was handled. And I have a book now, waiting in my creative projects to be created into a more general storybook for any child going through a move… with a song, poetry verse and storyline… one of many of my creative projects that are begging me to get to. I am getting back to you, to thank you for you sharing your family moving story with me, which helped further our own story with our daughter.

I am in the midst of a family baby moon right now and everything is precious with expansive and elastic time. I gave birth for the 2nd time on January 17th. And things are a.m.a.z.i.n.g. right now. Such a beautiful time with so many unexpected ripples and gifts and challenges and flow. Flow in life. In the beauty of the moment. And so so much love in my family bubble with our new baby daughter. And I am , as you know, in the midst of a huge transformation time… and your words come to me in between feedings, at a brief computer moment where I am checking for the first time in absolute days,… and I recognize a sister soul.

I am choosing to break this container of 40day retreat to touch in with you because your words have reached me for a purpose in this stage of my retreat and I want to honor that. I am an artist, Waldorf teacher, facilitator of retreats combining the arts with contemplative and communication practices,… and a proud proud Mama of a 3 yr old and a brand new baby girl bundle… who is between worlds right now landing each day a bit more to grace us with her beautiful presence and love. I have been waiting for a long while for the right timing for all of my passions to come together to offer in the world and through this first 10 days since the birth of my 2nd daughter I have had such amazing experiences and insights into my life, being, as you know, the most open to the flow of life as a woman can be at this moment, and have experienced healings and oh, so so many things.

I would like to speak with you from my cocoon, or after, at a point of your and mine convenience about what strikes me about yours and mine work and what I have been coming to realize in these last 10 powerful days of openness and pure state of what I am meant to be doing next.
Please contact me through my e-mail.

Looking forward to connecting again,
Warmly, Shannon

sunnyday - January 28, 2012 - 9:09 am

Wow! This is so true! Someone once told me that I am an anxious person because I am a creative person and that I should see my anxiety as a gift. It has taken time and work and now I do. I am always looking for new projects to tap into this creativity.

The Diamond Inside of Anxiety

People find me because they’re in the throes of anxiety, and quite often the anxiety centers around their intimate relationship. They’re taken down by a series of questions that cause them to fear whether or not they’re in the “right” relationship or if they’re making a “mistake.” I’ve said it many times on this site but it’s worth repeating: most people who find me are in loving, solid relationships and the fear that plagues them is purely based in anxiety. There is a small percentage of people – maybe 5% – who realize that their fear is coming from a truthful place and is an indicator that there are serious red-flag issues in the relationship that need to be addressed, but these issues are obvious from my first conversation with them and aren’t associated with the gut-wrenching feelings that accompany relationship anxiety.

For the vast majority, the anxiety hits like… Click here to continue reading…

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Krista - January 16, 2012 - 3:33 pm

Wonderfully written! I’m a big fan of the Hero’s Journey and think that it really fits into your work. :)

Jennifer - January 16, 2012 - 4:32 pm

Sheryl, another great post! Replaying dreadful, feared scenarios is a great way to keep anxiety going. A counter to that is meditation and breathing. You have shared Pema Chodron’s work, and she is wonderful. Thich Nhat Hahn in the book True Love really gets to the heart of love, and tools on how to deal with whatever emotion is getting in the way of truly being present. It is one of the best books I have read of loving oneself, one’s partner as an antidote to fear.

best, Jennifer

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 5:57 pm

Thank you, Krista.

Jennifer: I’m a huge fan of Thich Nhat Hahn’s work but I haven’t read True Love yet. Thank you for the recommendation; I’ll definitely check it out.

Alysonk - January 16, 2012 - 6:02 pm

Wonderfully written and so very true! I wish I could go back in time and shake my anxious self that was so scared to do the work for fear of what it might unveil. Now that I did I can truly say I’m grateful for the gut-wrenching, earth shattering anxiety that brought me to where I am now-happily married and stronger and more at peace than I’ve ever been. I pray your work reaches so many more anxiously engaged brides in 2012!

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 8:31 pm

Thank you and I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well!

ScottishBride - January 17, 2012 - 10:41 am

BRILLIANT article Sheryl.

What amazes me is that when I went through it, I thought what I was feeling was so unique to me. And that I was a worst case scenario, and different from all others! Thank God for this website and the e-course!

Anxiety is truly mind altering, and my heart goes out to all the people who are suffering through it now. I know how awful it is.

I am now at a stage where I am starting to feel glad that I went through this experience. I hope all others who can identify with this article come and join us all on the ecourse and start learning how to combat this debilitating illness with friendship and support from the team :-)

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 4:37 pm

Sheryl!
This article is so great! I just replaced the word “relationship” with the word “studies / job” and it feels SO revealing to see that I don’t need to put any energy in some changes in the outside, but that everything can be solved when I do my inner work.
the second time I replaced the word “relationship” with the work ” home/ house ” and wow- it also works :-)
Thanks you so much for your thoughts!
Hearty, Bettina

Maya - January 17, 2012 - 5:11 pm

This might be my favorite post ever! So true.

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 5:12 pm

Oh, and I forgot to say, i LOVE the line where you write “longing for a more integratet relationship with you and your LA” : “I am lonely” —> isn’t that so often the case that we think that loneliness gets away the more we are together with another person, a partner? Isn’t it exactly the opposite? I love the moments where I can do something good to myself, I feel much less lonely than when I am in the middle of thousands of poeple….I like this! (and “he should make me feel better”…uah!

Sheryl Paul - January 18, 2012 - 7:35 am

Thank you, Maya! I’ve been writing this post for a while and I’m so happy to finally publish it.

Bettina: Yes! Anxiety is anxiety no matter how you slice it of what the specific focus is.

ScottishBride: Thank you for your amazing support here and especially on the e-course forum. You’re a voice of inspiration and wisdom for many, many women and men there.

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:50 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know thatone

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:52 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know that one? It seems to be a common, and very disturbing, theme in chick lit. So my question is, how do you know if your relationship is part of that doomed five percent? Thanks! Sorry this is so long.

SB - January 19, 2012 - 9:44 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. Please never stop writing for us.

Sheryl Paul - January 19, 2012 - 9:55 am

SB: Thank you for being such a gracious audience to write for! : )

Yellow: I would need to know more about your marriage to assess whether or not it’s in the 5%. You say that your anxiety has been focused on your husband for the past two years but you’ve been married for eight; was there something that precipitated the anxiety? Are there any obvious red-flag issues like addiction, abuse, cheating, lying, misalignment of core values?

Yellow - January 19, 2012 - 11:10 am

Sheryl,
No, none of these red-flag issues. The fear is focused on little personal traits that I am not crazy about and that I cannot seem to let go. I think I know the answers to my own questions, but I continue to seek answers from knowledgable people. Obviously, this post is for me. Thanks for the reply, and please, like the other lady said, keep writing. It’s all very inspiring.

Bre - January 19, 2012 - 11:02 pm

My fiancé is wonderful. One of the truly good people in this world. But I need to know that I love him and don’t just admire him. I think I may need this site.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 7:31 am

Loving and admiring usually aren’t very far away from each other. The key is in learning about what real love is instead of the dysfunctional messages about love we receive in this culture. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/real-love-versus-infatuation/ as well as through several other posts on this site. Welcome!

Sarah - January 20, 2012 - 7:38 am

Thanks for writing this Sheryl! I really like how this article points people away from self protection/projection, and asserts that the anxiety is from something inside our own selves….that’s so helpful. Honestly I think the biggest turning point in my engagement anxiety was the moment I realized I had followed every fear, asked every question (many times), and realized they didn’t hold water. And I think the biggest thing that helped was a conscious shift from asking “am I making a mistake? What if something happens to our love?” to “how can I manage my anxiety today? What are these questions protecting me from feeling, and how can I address them?” And it was still hard…but it’s been so rewarding to realize that I have the capabilities to look deeper and understand myself better, and that really does result in connection with my husband. Anxiety really is a hidden gem. Thanks for the reminder!

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:07 am

Sheryl, I looked the article on common questions your clients ask, and about fifty percent of them apply to me. How can I develop my love so that it is real and like his?

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:14 am

*at the article. I.e. this article.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 9:28 am

Bre: You might consider taking a look at my Conscious Weddings E-Course: From Anxiety to Serenity, as I created it to address exactly this point. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/. In addition to the seven lessons, when you sign up for the course you gain access to a password-protected forum, where you will find a community of exceptionally kind and compassionate women (and some men) who will help guide you along this path. The support is a key component for learning about real love and how to shift your dysfunctional ideas about relationships.

Louisa - January 21, 2012 - 5:12 am

Sheryl
I came across your website over the Christmas period and never before have I read a selection of articles that seem to speak to me on such a profound level.
My anxiety started in late November, several weeks after my partner’s father passed away unexpectedly. Understandably, this was a very very sad time and turned our once perfect world up-side-down. As soon as the anxiety set in I was devastated at the thought of having to walk away from a man that I truly love…..walking away seemed the only answer to rid myself of the pain, and yet something deep inside of me told me not to run. After reading your article ‘Take care of your anxiety like a scared child’, I realised that I needed try and understand where the anxiety was coming from and what it was based on. The content of your articles have given me the courage to look inside myself and I am fully embracing the idea of not projecting my feelings onto my partner. I know that I have a lot to work through, and initially it seemed daunting, but I am now inspired by your words and have the love and support of a wonderfully grounded man…..and whilst there are still some days that I wish I could hide under my duvet and block the world out, I know that in years to come I will look back and think ‘thank goodness I was brave enough to hang in there!’.
Thank you, thank you, thank you

Louisa

Adelina - February 28, 2012 - 7:02 am

This article spoke to me like nothing has,ever before. I was set really deep in these questions last week, only a few days ago, when I discovered conscious transitions,did it start easing off. I have been thinking about how to channel all my questions within myself and it’s interesting how it works:I noticed that while I silently suffer, I do feel comfort when my fiance is around.The only problem is, I don’t feel as lovey-dovey as I used to before the anxiety set in last week. I am still struggling to say ‘NO’ to the over-shadowing ‘maybe I will never be attracted to him again’,'maybe I will never have butterflies when he comes in again’ and ‘maybe I will just love him but not feel like hugging and kissing him all the time like before’.It feels like an illness but I keep telling myself I will sail to the other side successfully purely because while I don’t feel to affectionate and connected, I don’t feel very sociable with others or too bothered about my own family either. I feel like I’ve temporarily lost my ability to express emotion and enthusiasm about everything.This is,I think,the main sign that there is nothing wrong with the relationship,but it lies within myself. Anyone felt like that?

Stephanie - March 26, 2012 - 8:00 pm

Adelina, my anxiety started two days before Christmas. I 100% can relate to how you were/are feeling. I was so blah towards my fiance, family, friends, even work. I just wanted to hide everyday until all of this would go away. Now I know this is not about anyone else it is about me and my own stuff that I need to work through. It’s hard at times but at the end of the day we will come out of this happier, content and stronger then before :)

Adelina - March 29, 2012 - 7:32 am

Stephanie,it’s so good to hear your words. This ‘blah’ atittude is so not me,and like you say,it’s about us,not our partners.Have you managed to cross over this rough patch and get back in your old normal ways?:)

The Food Drug

Most of the people who find their way to my work describe themselves as the following:

Highly sensitive
Introspective
Analytical
Perfectionistic
Difficulty making decisions
Difficulty with transitions (moving, leaving for college, getting married)
Prone to anxiety

It’s the last quality that causes them to do a google search that ultimately lands them here, where they start to learn the context, information, and tools that will effectively, with a lot of hard work, shift them from anxiety to serenity. By reading my articles, signing up for my home study courses, and/or having counseling sessions with me, they learn to identify their fear-based thoughts and false beliefs and, over time, replace them with the truth. It’s not easy work, as it usually requires digging into the past or, at the very least, finding the courage to delve into the darker recesses of the fear-based mind, but the boons are well-worth the effort.… Click here to continue reading…

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January: The Liminal Month

The holidays are often a busy time of year where you can expend a lot of energy in directions that may or may not be fulfilling. You may have attended many parties or socialized with friends and family in smaller gatherings. You may have spent money on gifts and received a nice pile of nifty new toys. You may have over-eaten or over-consumed in a variety of ways. The old year comes to a close with December’s bang and against the blank slate of a new year, heralded by the quiet month of January, we’re often left with an emptiness that causes us to wonder, “What now?”

January is named after the Roman god Janus, the god of the doorway. We walk through the final month of a year and then through the doorway of January, a new year. But as January is a doorway it represents the liminal month… Click here to continue reading…

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Carole - January 8, 2012 - 7:10 pm

This was well needed to read tonight, thank you! I also love water for helping me feel well and balanced. I don’t always have the ability to get to water though, so I set up a small space in my bedroom for meditation.

Julie - January 19, 2012 - 6:53 am

beautiful. thanks sheryl.

Take Care of Your Anxiety Like a Scared Child

I’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s brilliant little book called Anger. With his signature simple and poetic style, Hahn elucidates the Buddhist views on managing and healing anger which, to my surprise and delight, overlap almost identically with Inner Bonding®. If you’re like most of my clients and people who follow this blog who struggle more with anxiety than anger, simply replace the word “anger” with “anxiety” and you’ll have a prescription for handling your difficult emotions.

For example, in one section called “Caring for Your Baby, Anger” Hanh writes:

“Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby.

“You have to be like a mother listening for the cries of her baby. If a mother is working in the kitchen and hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she is doing and goes to comfort… Click here to continue reading…

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ScottishBride - December 15, 2011 - 5:52 am

Sheryl,
What a fantastic post. Most of us are so ashamed of having doubts, fears or anxieties that we try and push them down, or punish ourselves for our feelings, instead of embracing them and working through them. Acknolwedging my anxiety and attending to it through a mixture of inner bonding, the e-course and journaling has resulted in me finally being able to break the cycle and work through my engagement anxiety. I would encourage all others with anxiety about their relationship to do the same.

brooklynbride - December 15, 2011 - 9:15 am

oh how i love this post! There is so much comfort from sitting with your Inner Child… As a child I never was sent to the time out chair, too “senstive” and “good” for that… but my sister was. And it was heartbreaking for me to watch her cry. Sometimes I would go in there and just sit with her because I knew she needed to be comforted… and as I think of this memory I cry. For both of us. And for the relief knowing that I can be a good inner parent to myself as an adult… and share this wisdom with my sister today.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 9:37 am

Thank you, both. And you’re both a big inspiration for others to make the leap into committing to the process of attending to their feelings. BrooklynBride, your story brought tears to my eyes, too. It’s heartbreaking to think about kids sitting alone with their grief, heartbreak, and shame.

Carole - December 15, 2011 - 12:26 pm

Sheryl, great post and great timing for the holidays! One of the most difficult things for me was to learn how to self soothe, but what a huge difference it makes! Thanks again

StephyN - December 15, 2011 - 5:13 pm

Sheryl, I love this post. I was one of those kids that was left to cry herself to sleep because that was the only way I’d learn to sleep without a parent in my room. I was that girl that was forced to go to sleep away camp for 8 weeks against my will because all the other girls my age were going and I needed to learn how to “act my age.” I know my parents always thought they were doing the best for their children, but I’ve learned to feel numb since my feelings as a child were ignored (to make me stronger, or so they thought). I’m trying to do the inner bonding, but I just don’t feel any emotion whatsoever. I discuss stories from my past like I’m talking about someone else. Thank you for your very well written post.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 6:57 pm

When you’re doing Inner Bonding, start to move toward the feeling of numbness. You shut down at an early age because it was too painful to feel your feelings and it was the only way you could cope, but once you start to approach your numb self with compassion, the pain will break through. And yes, our dominant parenting model encourages parents to push their kids past their comfort zone so that they find their strength. This may work for some kids, but for the more sensitive among us, it creates the opposite result. Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? It sounds like you were and are a highly sensitive person and reading the book would help you develop compassion for yourself, which would help break through the numbness.

Valentina - December 17, 2011 - 3:31 pm

Sheryl, such a great post, such great truth. And just a perfect reminder for my day, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your spiritual guidance with us. It is so easy to forget and to abandon ourselves. As Ghandi says, we cannot hurt anyone without hurting ourselves.

StephanieG - January 31, 2012 - 12:29 pm

This was a great read for me today. I have felt like I am drowning the past few days and found myself wanting to cry and just thinking “I want my mom”. Instead, I guess it is actually myself saying that I need my Inner Loving Adult. I am scared and drowning in the river. I need myself to step up and throw out that life line. My own mother can’t help me right now. In fact, no one can except myself.

cwb - May 2, 2012 - 8:31 pm

I cannot tell you how comforting your site is. I was having some trouble tonight – feeling odd and nervous and scared and I knew that if I came to your site, I would be able to read posts about what I was feeling. I found so much comfort here. I often re-read your posts too!

Thank you for doing this, and for sharing your wisdom with us.

Sheryl Paul - May 2, 2012 - 8:37 pm

CWB: I’m so glad you found your way here, and thank you for taking the time to share your appreciation. It’s one of my deepest joys to write these articles and share the insights I’ve received over the years.