As I was rocking my baby to sleep for his nap this morning several hours earlier than his regular nap time, I remembered my first weeks with Everest and how uncertain I often felt as a new mother. As sleep has always been one of our most challenging areas (with both boys), I often consulted The Books to see if I could glean a new tip that would help me help my baby to learn how to sleep. They always said the same things, none of which applied to my son, but all of which reinforced the nagging feeling that unless my baby slept twelve hours a night and took two three hour naps a day, I must be doing something wrong. It took me several months before I grew my mother-legs, tossed The Books, and started to trust that my baby and I were doing just fine.… Click here to continue reading…
Category Archives: Buying a house
July 28, 2010 - 7:34 pm
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society” 
July 29, 2010 - 7:46 am
And perhaps through consciousness we can transform our society from sickness to health.
July 29, 2010 - 11:38 am
Exactly. And first, we must start with ourselves, no matter how much society reinforces the belief, “there is something wrong with me”, I must look into self to see if that is true, or based upon ideals that have been suggestion throughout time as to “how one should be” according to ideals, ideas, and standards. Humans are not machines, and therefore cannot be standardized; however how often is that suggested to one? So first, we must look into self for freedom, and then maybe someday the world can reflect the freedom that is within.
July 29, 2010 - 11:47 am
Yes, exactly. The fact that human beings can’t be standardized is one of the reasons why we’ve chosen to homeschool our kids. But that’s a topic for another site; or is it? 
December 6, 2010 - 7:07 am
[...] or weeks after saying “yes” to a proposal of marriage, their first thoughts are, “What’s wrong me? This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life. Why am I so scared? Does the fact that [...]  Have you ever read the statistic that says that moving is the third most stressful event you can endure, following death and divorce? I’m always stunned by this statement. Let’s take a moment to digest this: Death, divorce, moving… Wow. Clearly, for it to rank so high on the list, the stress cannot possibly be solely due to the practical aspects; it doesn’t equate that packing up one house and moving to another location would trigger this level of emotional response. But in the worldview of Conscious Transitions, it makes perfect sense. Furthermore, the level of stress that moving typically instigates is equivalent to the level of healing that’s possible when we approach this transition consciously. Like every transition, there’s a practical element and an emotional piece. Moving, like the wedding or preparing for a baby’s arrival, certainly comes with a host of items that need to get done. But… Click here to continue reading… 9 comments 
July 4, 2010 - 4:24 pm
Thank you for this Sheryl. Perfect timing for me to read and help me reflect. My family is preparing for an unplanned move- our landlords surprised us with a termination of our lease. And with this outward push to move and lack of control thrust upon us, I have experienced many emotions. I know there are many layers to this and I am trying to give time to each of these layers in order to heal from past memories that this brings up and to fully process this stage of our journey together. I want to fully embrace this and be present. It is definitely not a linear process I have been experiencing for sure… more fluid, bouncing from different feelings to practical aspects ( like the fact that we have to move in less than 2 months and still haven’t been able to find a place suitable…) We are planning an exciting move in the next few years to a smaller community that has the only Waldorf school in the Atlantic provinces in Canada, but not all of the pieces are in place for that move yet. So now we are looking at more moves within these next years. Not ideal, but it is what it is and we will get through this. In the short 3 years that we have lived in this home, we have gotten married and hosted our wedding, I spent most of my laboring journey here, and our darling daughter has spent her first 2 years here… so a lot of beautiful big life has happened here. Our daughter is very aware and verbal for her short years and I am wanting to be very conscious how I deal with the stress I feel right now with this and how we handle these next 2 months. I am curiously awaiting what advice you are going to offer in your promised upcoming post about moving with young children. We are planning to have her involved in the moving process and also have some meaningful good bye/beginning rituals surrounding this time of switching homes. Thank you for your continual words of wisdom regarding transitions.
July 5, 2010 - 11:25 pm
Shannon – Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comment and I will definitely be blogging about moving with children this week. Your artwork is beautiful, by the way. 
July 7, 2010 - 12:18 pm
Many thanks to you, Sheryl. I used your Conscious Bride book less than two years ago when I was preparing to get married. My husband and I really went for the transitions when we got married, moved across the country, sold a business, started a new business, and he started law school, and we got pregnant all in August 2008. Now, two years later, we are moving into my mother’s house to save money for a year. So the move has layers with it, for sure. Moving with our one year old son has certainly been a challenge. With so many personal shifts since our last move, I also find myself really letting go of things that represent another me. (high heels, short skirts, hipster tight jeans) It feels like a powerful letting go, and your blog really highlights the underneath significance in shedding our old belongings and moving on. I know we’ll be finding blocks and toys in just about every box, as my son is proving to be very “helpful” in the move. So I look forward to your next post. WE move Saturday. I’ve already had a few good cries, and you are right, they actually make me MORE productive. off to pack! katie 
July 7, 2010 - 2:12 pm
Katie, I saw that you had to go through a lot of transitions during the year that you were getting married. How was your engagement experience with all of the other stuff going on? I’m also going through a lot of transitions right now and I’m also getting married in less then a month. Thanks!
July 7, 2010 - 6:28 pm
Katie – Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve actually found that getting married is often accompanied by several transitions – often moving, a job/career change, and sometimes getting pregnant. I think we’ve actually met once or twice before in Boulder, and I just read on your site that you lived in Santa Monica, so our paths have crossed more than once. I look forward to crossing paths again – and blessings to you on your move and processes of letting go.
August 11, 2010 - 3:08 pm
Thanks again Sheryl, we are all settled in. I actually found it to be one of the most “grounded” moving experiences I’ve ever had. I think because as a mom, you just don’t have time for your own story sometimes! I look forward to crossing paths again as well! Bring your kiddos into my studio sometime! (Yo Mama Yoga in Boulder) I’d love to thank you in person for all your great writings. Janelle, thank you for asking. I found my engagement process to be quite intense actually. Much harder than being married! Partly because of all the transitions, and partly just my own journey to letting myself be fully loved. I also found myself “testing” my husband, making sure he would love all the sides of me, the messy, the young, the selfish sides, all of it. I had a wise teacher who said that the engagement period is the time that you “engage” with the issues of being married. That was certainly true for me. My husband and I just celebrated our 2nd anniversary, and these two years (as far as our marriage) have been much easier than the year we were engaged. Good luck to you!
July 6, 2010 - 11:33 am
[...] 6, 2010 by Sheryl Paul Last week, I blogged about the emotional aspects of the moving transition and how to contextualize what is triggered when we move. I mentioned that I would talk more about [...]
July 23, 2010 - 11:48 am
[...] of other emotions that aren’t inquired about. When you buy a house, you also have to endure the transition of a move. A first time homebuyer is often struck by the level of responsibility triggered by the purchase of [...]
December 20, 2010 - 7:59 am
[...] go of the security of living under our parents’ roof (or the illusion of security). When we move, we let go of memories and attachments connected to the old dwelling. When we become parents, we [...] “Perfection is for the Gods; completeness and wholeness is the most humans can hope for.” – Marion Woodman One of the most common and pernicious beliefs among my engaged and newlywed clients is that they’re supposed to marry their perfect match. While they may be rationally aware that perfection doesn’t exist, it’s not the rational mind that is activated during the wedding transition, but the fantasy mind. This certainly isn’t true for everyone who marries. There seems to be a segment of the population who sail through transitions with ease; those just aren’t the people who find me. And I would venture to hypothesize that those people aren’t perfectionists in other realms of their life. I think it would be safe to say that at least 99.9% of my clientele over the past twelve years are perfectionists. And that includes me. Let me use a different situation to elucidate the… Click here to continue reading… 18 comments 
June 29, 2010 - 4:59 am
Another great post, Sheryl. The only point I’d disagree with from my personal perspective is “This is often what my clients tell me about their fear-based thoughts regarding their partner: that the fear is much bigger when they’re away from their partner and shrinks to almost nothing in his presence.” For me, it was the exact opposite. I felt calmer when away from my now husband… more rational, better able to realize what I had was a good thing. When I was around him, I learned he was one of my “triggers.” I was microanalyzing every move, every breath, every perceived intention of a comment/gesture. It took a lot of work for me to focus on just being in the moment with my then fiance, whether it was sitting on the couch watching a movie or spending time at a family picnic. I felt like something was incredibly wrong with me that I felt more at peace alone (“Does this mean I should be alone?”) and more anxious with the man I was planning “forever” with. That pattern has lessened considerably over the last 3 years and it rarely happens anymore. But learning to let go of the anxiety while I was with my husband and just focus on what I know is good within our relationship took work. That fantasy man/relationship was very hard for me to let go of and sometimes (although rarely) it still tries to sneak into my mind. But I know now that I wouldn’t trade the good, solid relationship I have for the fantasy of “perfection.”
June 29, 2010 - 7:15 am
Natalie – I anticipated that some women might feel triggered by that line, so thanks for sharing your experience! Actually, I had the same experience as you in the beginning of my relationship with my husband: the fear was MUCH worse – almost intolerable – in his presence. It can certainly go either way, but the vast majority of my clients feel more calm when they’re with their fiance or husband and the fear kicks into overdrive in his absence. I haven’t been able to draw any conclusions about why this differs from relationship to relationship other than it has absolutely no bearing on the success of the marriage.
June 29, 2010 - 4:31 pm
Sheryl… I hope my comment didn’t come across as argumentative. I was the same way you describe yourself and know that many women were the opposite of what I experienced. I mostly wanted to comment so if someone reads this and thinks “but I feel the other way,” they don’t feel alone or abnormal.
June 29, 2010 - 5:02 pm
Not at all! I love that you responded because I’m sure there are women who will read the post and feel spiked by that line – then reassured by your comment.
June 29, 2010 - 7:58 pm
Natalie & Sheryl, I have to say that line did scare me at first. However, there have been times during my engagement where I am more stressed with my fiance is around and other times I’m more stressed when he’s not around. At the moment, however, I have been more anxious when he’s around! So thank you both! Also, I’m finding that I’m swatting more mosquitoes then ever now that I’m a few weeks away from my wedding! I’m so happy that I found this site months ago because I finally starting to realize how my fear takes over. I’m finally getting comfortable listening to the fears and letting myself feel the fear. Before, I was scared to listen to my fear because I didn’t want to find out that it may have been the truth. However, the more I let the fear in over the past few months, the easier it has been on me emotionally. I’m finding that the more I let the fear in, I no longer believe the fear (which took months and months to get to this point). It’s weird that I feel comfortable letting the fear in now and I think that it is because I no longer believe the fear (well for the moment that is, the fear does try to trick me sometimes). I’m getting to the point where I’m “swatting the mosquitoes away”. I can’t even begin to tell you how helpful this site and the people on here has been during my engagement. I AGREE WITH YOU 100% THAT IS TAKES A YEAR TO GET EMOTIONALLY READY FOR A WEDDING/MARRIAGE. Well at least in my case it has taken me a full year to get emotionally ready! There were points during my engagement where I asked my fiance if we could move up the wedding so that we could get it over with, HAHA, I’m so glad that we didn’t do that! I definitely needed this time to get to know myself again and after all of the emotional breakdowns, I found that I am the person that I thought I was. The best advice I have received so far is to “hold onto how you felt before the engagement and when you get anxious remember that feeling- b/c that is your truth” THANK YOU!!! 
June 30, 2010 - 1:35 pm
This is a wonderfully written post. I just wanted to say that Sheryl helped me tremendously when I was preparing for my wedding, especially, with regards to “perfect.” By the end of the engagement, I was able to include imperfection within my own use of the word “perfect.” I was comfortable with the fact that it may rain, or my veil may rip, but that my wedding would still be perfect because I was marrying my husband. In the same way, I do view him as my perfect match, and perfection includes some very hard interactions sometimes. The lessons one learns from their mate are similar to the challenges faced with one’s children; these beings that we are deeply wound up with on our soul’s journey can challenge and mirror us on a profound level. Thank you, Sheryl, for another insightful, clear, and generous post. –Jessica 
June 30, 2010 - 2:43 pm
Hi Sheryl,
June 30, 2010 - 8:55 pm
Thank you, and very well said after ten years of marriage : )
June 30, 2010 - 8:57 pm
Nice to hear from you, Julie. I’ve probably done hundreds of radio shows since the release of The Conscious Bride and I have to say that speaking with you was a definite high point. You’re a wonderful host and I second your invitation for everyone interested in the wedding transition – or consciousness in general – to head over to your archives.
June 30, 2010 - 11:02 pm
Eleven!!
July 1, 2010 - 7:04 pm
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/search/sheryl-paul/ Everyone has to go to this site. Sheryl’s voice is so calming and this is my FAVORITE podcast. Make sure that you listen to the entire thing, it is under secret lives of men! LOVE IT! 
July 5, 2010 - 7:06 pm
Hi, Ive learned from your book that the more you focus on the anxiety, the bigger it gets…and it does. Im trying to focus on the good things not the fear and Ive been doing really good. I know I want to marry this man and have been gearing him up and in just a few days I know Ill be getting engaged which both excites me and terrifies me! How in the world am I gonna marry a man whose stable, handsome, great with my daughter, loves me, wants me and has fought for me for 10 years, will never leave me, wont think of being unfaithful, will be a great provider and is a great lover when he chews his ice and smacks his gum? hmm, how? I just have to laugh at myself when I think about it…really? am I gonna run because of something as petty as that?!…not this time……. Well, good news, I ordered your wedding planner last week and should get it anyday…Im excited to start working in it:) and excited to move forward into our future… PS. have you concidered a forum of some sort so we (all the anxious ones) can corespond online? Also, have you concidered more options for your phone group such as additional times or days? thanks for all you do Sheryl:)
July 5, 2010 - 9:48 pm
Hi Ginger – Yes, you don’t want to over-focus on the anxiety, but you do want to give the fear a voice. The work is not about sweeping the fear under the rug with the risk of it crashing down on your after the wedding, but rather to voice it and then work with it effectively (using journaling and the specific techniques I talked about in a video blog). It sounds like you’re doing great. I used to have a message board on my website but have closed it down for a variety of reasons. Hopefully, this blog will serve the same purpose, at least for now. What time would work for you for a phone group? We’re definitely open to other days and times. Sheryl 
July 14, 2010 - 11:50 pm
To Natalie: What relief I felt as I scrolled down to read your post! I did indeed have the very reaction to that line (“spiked” then reassured) that Sheryl describes. I’m glad to have found this site, as I’ve been experiencing anxiety ever since my wedding, which occurred two weeks ago. One thing I’ve realized in reading some of Sheryl’s articles is that I didn’t really think about the wedding as initiating a transition at all–strange as that seems. My husband and I had lived together for five years prior to the wedding, and so while I was anticipating the wedding as an “event,” I didn’t view it as a significant transition into a new state of life. I’ve been a bit blindsided by my feelings, but I’m going to fend of the mosquitoes and start journaling! Many thanks.
July 15, 2010 - 2:21 pm
you should go and visit the inner bonding site and watch the you-tube videos…they help out tremendously!!
July 15, 2010 - 7:32 pm
Erin, I’m glad I could give you some “Hey, I’m not alone” feelings. Validation isn’t always necessary, but in something as “taboo” as feeling anxious about your marriage/relationship, it’s nice to know you’re not alone.
July 29, 2010 - 8:06 am
[...] fantastic marriage advice from life transition expert Sheryl Paul, you can read the full post on her blog. Conscious Weddings is a StudioWed Denver [...]
December 22, 2010 - 8:55 am
[...] moments of grace, we accept that life is now and only now. Marriage isn’t the finish line. Buying a house isn’t the finish line. Having a baby isn’t the finish line. We taste moments of [...] Occasionally, I’ll be posting some of the most inspirational posts from the Conscious Weddings message board. What follows is one posted by ChristmasBride2006, who also wrote a guest blog here two weeks ago. She was one of the most wise, honest, and supportive members of the boards and I know continues to provide support to countless women through their wedding transition. *** I know one of the biggest things that helped me when I was engaged was hearing and seeing a “true picture” of what marriage/married life was like. Prior to that, none of my close friends were married nor did I have a lot of experience seeing an “insider’s view” of marriage. It was basically this big mystery to me about what happened after you said your vows. So when my parents opened up and talked to me on a peer level about what marriage and daily… Click here to continue reading… 26 comments 
June 10, 2010 - 5:26 pm
LOVE IT! So honest and from the heart. It’s so nice to hear true stories of couples, and to know that every couple out there has problems – rather than just assuming you are the only ones with issues and everyone else’s marriage is perfect. It’s great to hear things from another person’s perspective. Thanks.
June 10, 2010 - 5:30 pm
This was 6 months after my wedding. I remember her going through this at the same time I was figuring out my marriage, myself, my relationship…. everything. I keep in touch with her often and am so glad that Anna is an online friend of mine. She helped me through many rough periods while I figured out what all those conflicting feelings, emotions, and thoughts meant for me and my marriage. Marriage really is all about ups and downs. Not just months apart or years apart, but even days apart within the same week. DH and I are going through a change right now while he reassess his career and figures out what he wants to do with his life after losing his job. I’ve had many of those old thoughts and feelings resurface. However, I now know what they all are and what they all mean (I’m having a hard time with life not going as “planned,” wondering all these things about us and about me, and facing some of my big fears in life overall). ChristmasBride2006 and many others from the Conscious Brides site helped me figure it all out, and I am forever grateful to them. 
June 10, 2010 - 6:03 pm
How funny! I totally remember this time – it was really tough! We have been in our house for 2.5 years now but I can remember this time like it was yesterday. You want to know something ironic? We just bought a car and had to finance part of it … my husband was not really thrilled to add another debt. But this time we handled it sooo much better than the house purchase and we are working so well together to do what we need to do to pay down this unexpected cost and find our “financial-legs” (to borrow a term from Sheryl). We definitely feel more like a team than working against each other… probably because we went through what we did with purchasing our house. I understand my husband so much better. Gosh there are so many great women (including Natalie) that I met from Conscious Weddings. I really don’t think I would be able to handle transitions like I can now without having gone through the engagement anxiety.
June 16, 2010 - 1:41 pm
Hello All: How did you feel during your engagement? I have been feeling like a “bipolar” person. I have been with my fiance for 10 years and engaged for the past year- our wedding is next month. Lately, I have been feeling so confused—one minute I’m so excited that I get to spend the rest of my life with man and the next minute- absolutely terrified and in tears asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I’m not connecting with him like I use to all the time—sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions an mentally I’m gone. Other times, when I’m not stressed out I’ll laugh with him like how we used to before we were engaged- and everything just feels so meant to be. Has anyone else experienced these feelings? After the vows are said and the wedding is over will my relationship go back to normal? I don’t have any doubts about the relationship, in fact I know I always want him to be in my life- but the word “marriage” is what is really scaring me! How long after the wedding does it take to be back in your normal fun loving relationship without all these crazy marriage fears???
June 16, 2010 - 3:35 pm
Janelle… first off, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Second, everything you wrote, I felt during my engagement and after my wedding (I found Sheryl’s website after my wedding), so trust me, you’re OK. I met Anna through Sheryl’s site, as well as many other women who all have written what you just wrote in one way or another. So trust me when I say what you’re feeling is very normal. I encourage you to read through some of Sheryl’s archives here and go to her Conscious Weddings site. If the message board is still up (closed to posting, but I believe you can still read on there), you’ll find many posts that will help you feel not so alone. As for timelines… don’t give yourself one. You said it already… when you’re calm and not fixating on everything, your relationship is good, healthy, solid, fun, etc. Remember that. Focus on that when you’re anxious. Write a list of all the things you love about your fiance and about your relationship and read it when you’re feeling particularly anxious. But don’t limit yourself to when you should “feel better.” I’m getting ready to celebrate 3 years of married life and, while I’m a million times less anxious than I was when I got married, new changes in life still spark those feelings (moving, changing jobs, talking about having kids). So while they diminish, don’t think they have to completely go away. You’ll just learn what they are and how to deal with them on your own terms. Don’t give yourself a time limit (I know, I’m repeating myself, but that’s very important). Feel what you need to feel. Process it all. And keep reminding yourself that what you have is good and real and solid. As you adjust to your new role as a wife and figure out what marriage means to you and your fiance, your expectations will lessen and you’ll feel more comfortable with it all. Finally, you’re a month away from your wedding. Things are going to get busy. Last minute details, family coming into town, people saying things like “Aren’t you so excited?” (I HATED that question personally). Be kind to yourself. For most brides I’ve talked to, anxious or not, the month and weeks leading up to the wedding were almost always overwhelming to them. That is so normal! Give yourself some time to just sit and be. Little details don’t matter much at this point. Breathe, get done what you can, and enjoy your day, knowing you’re entering into the next phase of your life with a solid, loving, stable partner whose company you truly enjoy. Good luck!
June 16, 2010 - 4:09 pm
Natalie, Thank you soooo much for your post…I was actually crying as I was reading your post…it is soooo nice to feel normal! It is funny when other family members are completely focusing on the stuff for the wedding and what they can buy for us when in all reality I want a beautiful wedding (of course) but more importantly I just want to feel connected to my fiance that day and that scares me that the fear will overwhelm me. I keep reminding myself that I could feel absolutely amazing that day or horrible and like i’m making a huge mistake…but i’m starting to come to peace with that whatever I feel that day. It really doesn’t matter how I feel –because at the end of the day that’s just one day in my life…and I get to make new memories everyday with my soon to be husband. To be honest if I had to choose feeling special on my wedding day or feeling “emotionally stable” during the days afterwards, I would choose feeling great during my marriage! Also, I really wonder if any woman glides through her engagement b/c I know other people think it has been “so easy” for me. I would never even dream of talking to either of our families about this. First I would feel ashamed and second they would just laugh b/c our families our so close to each other. They have seen my fiance and I basically grow up together since we were 18 years old. And they know that we’ll be fine. Actually my brother said to me …”so last chance to get out” (joking around) and my mother said….”hahahha yeah right they’ve been together for 10 years I think she would’ve decided that by now”– which, when I think about that it’s so true—if I ever wanted to leave I would have by now—I’ve always wanted this—so there in lies the confusion-Thanks for your post! It really helped!! How did you feel on your wedding day?
June 16, 2010 - 5:13 pm
Janelle… I’m glad my reply helped. I know just realizing there were others out there who “got it” helped me heal more than anything. On my wedding day, I felt disconnected. I hated it at the time, but it was what it was and now, I’m OK with it. As I said, I didn’t find Sheryl’s site until after my wedding (really the week before, but I didn’t dive in until after my wedding). I only talked to my father because I was afraid others would tell me my fears meant I shouldn’t get married or that DH and I were wrong for each other. Then I found Sheryl’s site and now, 3 years later, my whole perspective on marriage/weddings/relationships is different… and I feel it’s much more realistic.
June 16, 2010 - 6:18 pm
Thanks for letting me know! It is so nice to her peoples stories that are already married. The other day I was at the doctor and the doctor knew that I was getting married and she told me that she turned into a crazy person two weeks before her wedding because she didn’t know how she could spend forever with her soon to be husband! And then another relative told me her engagement story and she’s in her 60′s. She said that her husband had actually called off the wedding and broke up with her for 4 months because of “cold feet”. They have now been married for over 30 years!! I wish I knew about all of these types of stories before my fiance proposed- even though I would have said that I wouldn’t feel that way! I feel so lucky that I’m able to talk to my fiance about all of my new found craziness! At first, I was really nervous and thought he’d leave me. However, it was the exact opposite and he has been more than supportive throughout this roller coaster ride. Now I know that I can tell him anything and no matter what he’d never EVER leave! It’s so comforting knowing that I’m entering a marriage where he and I will truly be there “for better or worse and in sickness and in health”. I will smile when we say those vows because through this engagement I’ve learned that to be the case!
June 24, 2010 - 12:58 pm
Natalie, Could you describe to me a little bit more how you were feeling during your engagement. My engagement has been filled mainly with tears and second guessing my decision. There rarely is a day that goes by where I haven’t been upset for at least a few hours. I’ll ask myself “Is this the right guy? Is this what I really want? Am I lying to myself about wanting this b/c this should be so much easier? Why can our relationship just go back to care free? Why do I feel so miserable? I am so sick about thinking about this every second of the day. It is like I can’t focus on anything else. I am hoping that after we get married I won’t be worrying about this all the time. I can’t believe that I am feeling like this- one word to describe it is shocking!! I have wanted this for 10 years!! This is definitely the worst year and I just feel so heartbroken. I want this all to go away- I just want to stop thinking about all of these negative things. I just want to be happy again. And by the way nothing in our relationship has changed since we got engaged- so that is why I think I should be the same carefree girl! Did you second guess your decision every day or just once in a while? What was the extent of second guessing? Were you in tears or could you just laugh it off? One of the red flags is “It doesn’t feel right” Did you always think it felt right or did you second guess that? My relationship feels right when I am not stressing. But I find myself stressing a lot and it is so aggravating! There is something inside me that thinks this is all going to be fine once were married and the pressure (that I’m putting on myself) is gone. I know that I do NOT want to call the wedding or the marriage off— it is just so scary—and I don’t want to fail! I really do think that these are just wedding nerves but sometimes those nerves are very convincing!! Any advice would be so helpful!
June 24, 2010 - 3:04 pm
Janelle… I don’t need to describe how I felt during my engagement because you just did. It’s not a fun place… I remember it all too well. Also, the red flag of “it doesn’t feel right” isn’t one thos of us “Conscious Brides” can really lean on. I don’t recall that being one of Sheryl’s red flags, but it’s been a while since I’ve read the list. When you’re overcome with anxiety to the point you are, it’s hard to trust what you’re feeling as what’s “true” and what’s “fear.” More often than not, it’s fear… intense, horrifying, horrible fear. The best advice I received… when in those intense fear moments, don’t make any decisions. You’re getting closer and closer to your wedding, so it makes total sense to me that you’re feeling more and more anxious. Have you made lists of what it is you love about your fiance and what you love about your relationship to him? A list of positives helps, even if you just read it when anxious and don’t necessarily believe it at that time. The counter to that list is a list of what scares you specifically. If the list is filled with “It doesn’t feel right” types of things, I’d chalk it up to fear. “It doesn’t feel right” is a very vague feeling/idea. What does it mean to have it “feel right?” You and your fiance are two different people. If your list of fears included “He comes home and drinks until he passes out and is verbally abusive to me,” then yeah, that to me is a red flag. But if it’s “I like musicals and he doesn’t” or “he doesn’t talk about feelings as much as I do,” I’d think that’s fear nitpicking at every little difference you could possibly find. Even “I hate the way his nose looks” or “I wish he’d pluck that unibrow.” Differences are good. In my opinion, questioning is good too. It means you’re taking this seriously. I know it sounds simple, but just be kind to yourself. You said it yourself… you’ve wanted this for 10 years. Prior to this anxiety, you felt secure in your relationship. Trust that, even when you can’t feel it. To answer your question specifically… I felt anxious every day as well, so don’t think that means something is seriously wrong. Some days were worse than others. I felt most anxious when I had to work on something specific for the wedding. So it’s OK. Find something that helps calm you down… journaling, a warm bath, walking in nature, sitting with your fiance just “being” while watching a comedy…. something and try to do it for at least an hour a day. It’s a hard way to feel, but you and I aren’t the only ones who’ve felt that way.
June 24, 2010 - 4:53 pm
Thank you so much, you are like my angel during this difficult time. I did make a list of things and it has helped, but this fear is very amazing–it’s unreal! I kinda thought the “it doesn’t feel right” was an easy one to lean. The other red flags were pretty straight forward and “it doesn’t feel right” is easy to question. For me saying “it doesn’t feel right” is just saying that they way I’m feeling doesn’t feel right nothing to do with my relationship. My relationship feels right! Thanks for saying “Prior to this anxiety, you felt secure in your relationship. Trust that, even when you can’t feel it.” I have been telling myself the same thing! I also liked your advice of “don’t make any decisions when you’re in the fear moments”. It’s embarrassing to say but I have been on the floor in the fetal position just crying a few times during our engagment- and thank God my fiance knows who I really am- even when I can’t find the real me! Thanks again, I smile and cry tears of happiness every time I read your responses. It is so nice to hear that this is normal and it is really sad that more people don’t talk about this! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
June 24, 2010 - 5:08 pm
Whether or not it’s “normal,” it was normal for me, and it’s normal for you. I think most brides go through this on some level… we’re just some of the lucky ones who go through it with a hypersensitivity to it all! Isn’t it great? I’m glad I can be of some help. Focus on what you knew prior to the engagement anxiety and the fact that your fiance is so kind and good that he understands this is not about him. He really does sound like a keeper. 
July 29, 2010 - 1:41 pm
Jannelle, Everything you wrote is exactly how I’m feeling now. My wedding is 3 months away and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just wondering if you have had your wedding already and if you did, How did you feel on your wedding day? I’m so scared that I’m going to feel so disconnected from my fiance which is how I feel now. And I fear that this will all carry over till after my wedding. I’d love to hear how you feel now.
July 29, 2010 - 4:26 pm
I’m actually two days away from my wedding and i’m feeling much better..it’s definitely the anticipation of it all that got me! my best advice is to not be scared to feel your feelings and to know that you’re not a horrible person… i thought that i was trying to feel my feelings but i was actually entreching them further…now that i have let go and stopped trying to control me feelings…i’ve realized that everything will be fine…..i would have to say that i was definitely depressed and the inner bonding website and videos helped me sooo much and made me feel like i wasn’t a horrible person..i’m still working through those fear feelings but i’m so much better now! good luck the engagement period is absolutely horrible but so worth it!
July 30, 2010 - 7:41 am
Oh I’m so happy to hear that. The one thing that I keep doing is trying to feel my feelings. Like trying to feel my love for my fiance and when I can’t I start to freak out and my doubts and fears start to take control of me. I’ve started to realize that I can’t just will my self to feel a certain way, but I consistantly do it. Then everytime I’m around my fiance I start to get anxious cause I’m not feeling the way I want to. Its like a never ending cycle. I’m certainly better then I was before I found this site but all my fears are still there.
July 30, 2010 - 10:06 am
There’s a very important distinction that needs to be made between feeling the core transition feelings of grief, loss, disorientation, and loneliness and the feelings that are created by the anxious, fear-based thoughts. It’s critical to allow yourself to feel the core feelings and to understand what the fear-based thoughts are that are creating the anxiety and depression. The tricky thing about transitions – especially the wedding – is that we have so many false beliefs and unrealistic expectations that make it challenging to just allow the core transition feelings to emerge without attaching meaning to them. For example, if you’re feeling disconnected from yourself – which is a hallmark of the liminal stage – you will naturally feel disconnected from everyone around you, including your fiance. We then think, “Oh my god. I’m not feeling connected to my fiance. I must not love him enough. I must be making a mistake. What’s wrong with me?” and the vicious cycle begins. So much of this work around the wedding transition is discovering and then letting go of the unrealistic expectations and then allowing the core feelings to just be that: a feeling.
July 30, 2010 - 10:37 am
Sheryl, That is exactly how I feel. I don’t feel connected to myself or anyone around me. That exact thought went through my head that this must mean I don’t love my fiance. That we’re not meant to be together. But before all of these emotions and fears started happening I never had a second thought about marrying him. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I’ve always known he was the one. Its just now when we’re together my thoughts are constantly obsessing over how I am feeling and I get so worked up. Luckily he is so supportive and I’m able to talk to him about all of this. I’m almost jealous of him at times because he says that he is scared too but he seems to be able to handle so much better than me and I get so upset. I’ve just been trying to tell myself that these are all normal feelings and reading this blog really helps me to understand it a little better.
July 30, 2010 - 4:04 pm
They ARE normal feelings, I promise you. They’re the defining feelings of any transition, but they’re so difficult to validate around a wedding because they’re directly opposed to what we’re told we SHOULD be feeling. 
August 27, 2010 - 9:39 am
Sheryl, I guess another fear in all this that I have is “what is love?” How do I know if “I was ever in love” if I’ve never really known what to compare love to, how do I know “I’m in love”. Basically, what I’m saying is, is that I have no idea what love is, and since I’m having these fears and doubts about the wedding, this must mean I’m not in love right? Anybody else have these thoughts?
August 27, 2010 - 10:53 am
I have had these same thoughts too. I’ve been with my fiance for 10 years he is the only relationship I have ever been in. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone else and still don’t. When I start questioning whether or not I truelly love my fiance its so hard for me to know because I have nothing to compare it too. Then I start question “What is love?”, “How do I know I’m in love?”, “Does this mean I don’t love him?”. What has helped me is identifying these thoughts as anxious thoughts and trying not to engage them. If I do, the whole cycle of negative thoughts gets stronger and I can’t get out of. I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts trying to really get to know what is driving this. And I’m scared, I’m scared to get married, I’m scared to commit myself to someone for the rest of my life, I’m scared to grow up, I’m scared to be responsible for myself and someone else. I am scared to death of all the “What ifs”. But I know deep down that I am exactly where I want to be because I choose to be here and if I ran away from all this I would probably be scared with the next person I would be with. It really does help to identify the thoughts as a fear and the fact that your in a transition of the total unknown and just let yourself be and talking about it really helps. It has taken me awhile to be at this point and this site has really helped me.
August 27, 2010 - 11:05 am
Yep, those are the same questions running through my head this very instance. This is my longest relationship I’ve ever been in, where before, I only dated, never was a “relationship type”. I find myself really wondering if I’m in love, and if I ever really was that into my fiance or loved my fiance. The assumption is that when your engaged and getting married, your supposed to be “in love” but theres no crystal ball telling me whether I’m actually in love with my partner, and since I don’t feel a certain way, maybe I’m not. Thus, I shouldn’t be getting married to somebody I don’t think or know I’m in love with. The fear is “who wants to get married to somebody they are not in love with?” However, how do I even know that I quote “love” my fiance?
August 27, 2010 - 2:38 pm
The expectation of how to feel is certainly something that I have struggled with as well. But who is to say we are suppose to feel something. The assumption that when we get married or engaged we are suppose to be “in love” – thats exactly what it is an assumption. Who is to tell us how we are suppose to feel. You feel what you feel and thats it, its just a feeling. I just try to focus on how I felt before I was engaged. I was happy with my fiance and knew that I wanted to be with him before all these fears started coming up.
August 30, 2010 - 8:53 am
Thanks, yeah, its just tough right now, getting better 
September 8, 2010 - 1:27 pm
So thankful to have come across this post today. Everything mentioned above has been a thought in my head these past weeks. Never did I imagine myself to be going through this right now – to be completely overtaken by fear, doubt, to feel completely disconnected from my fiance, my friends and even myself. It hurts. It is all-consuming. It forgets the last 5 years I’ve spent with someone, and the positivity and hopefulness I had (or thought I had) before becoming engaged. I probably would have broken off the engagement had I not found Conscious Weddings/Conscious Transitions. Thank you for reassuring me, again, that it is OK. Yes, these fears may go away, or they may get worse, but to face them. In all of this, I am curious, how do we best deal with our significant other? He has been so patient and supportive, but I can only imagine what my reaction would be if the tables were turned. 
September 11, 2010 - 9:31 am
I’m also curious on how to handle my fiance. He is so supportive and I like to share with him but sometimes i feel like i’m going to cause him more grief by telling him every little thing i feel. I also am having trouble getting motivated at all- I feel so depressed at times. Is anyone else having a hard time planning the actual wedding when you feel doubt and fear and anxiety? I try to get things done when I’m in a good mood and feel good but I wish i was enjoying the planning a bit more.
September 15, 2010 - 5:15 pm
I know it’s hard to think about the day when you’re feeling so down. I’m struggling with that now. When my maid of honor is sending me a free subscription to “Brides” magazine, my friend is providing design concepts for the save the dates, and my future mother-in-law wants to know what color dress she should avoid, it’s challenging to put up a happy front and not clue them in to what you’re really thinking. Don’t feel forced to plan. Planning will come when you’re feeling better. Just surround yourself with people you can trust as much as possible now. |
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