Category Archives: Conscious Weddings Message Board Posts

For The Anxiously Engaged: From ChristmasBride 2006 on The Conscious Weddings Message Board:

As part of the Conscious Weddings E-Course which I’m in the process of creating, I’m combing through thousands of posts from the now-closed Conscious Weddings Message Board and choosing the “best of” to be included in the course. I’ve come across many insightful and helpful posts which I’ll include in the E-Course, but this post, from the ever-wise ChristmasBride2006, deserves to be printed here as well. Thank you, CB, for your willingness to share your wisdom with so many anxiously engaged women. I truly believe that it’s your voice that saw many of the women on the board through their anxiety. The responses to this post were fabulous as well, but for that you’ll have to wait for the e-course : )

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Not that I am by any means a “seasoned” married woman, nor can I accurately (but most likely can) predict that my husband will remained married forever… Click here to continue reading…

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Cori - September 27, 2010 - 12:01 pm

Thank you SO SO MUCH for this post. Everything you described in that post is me and it spoke to me perfectly… I have the exact same worries/fears/doubts… somewhere deep down I know I want to marry this man, but fear has struck my heart and riddled me with concerns… it is so good to know that i am not alone, and that things can work out despite all the struggles… and that all of the fighting of the fear and anxiety is worth it in the end!

KD - September 28, 2010 - 4:47 am

Excellent post. Same thoughts, same feelings, same fears. I can only hope for the same outcome. On days when the fear is so strong and I can’t answer “do you want to marry this man?”, I recognize that I also can’t answer “do you NOT want to marry this man?”. That’s what keeps me going.
My one question: what if you’ve lacked that sense of “knowing”? For instance, I wonder if I ever just “KNEW” my fiance was the one I wanted to marry. I think it’s not my nature to make that kind of decision. Or if that is a sign? (I suffer terribly from the grass is always greener syndrome.)

Carrie - September 28, 2010 - 8:32 am

Goodness, this was me only three short months ago. I had all the same symptoms. My fear had me in a choke hold. But like CB, I too survived my wedding day. After moving through those fears, I can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that I couldn’t be happier than I am today to be married to my husband. Our relationship is not perfect, of course. But my husband is a wonderful, caring and understanding man. He has supported me throughout my turbulent transition and it has made both of us stronger people in the end. I feel that I am better prepared now for when I encounter another transition. If you can move through fear, you can make room for love to grow in your life.

admin - September 28, 2010 - 8:58 am

“If you can move through fear, you can make room for love to grow in your life.” That’s really the crux of this work in a nutshell. Well said, Carrie.

Anna - September 30, 2010 - 4:45 pm

KD, I think it’s ok to never have had a “knowing” moment. I think the important thing is to look at the information you have presented to you. Does your fiance love you? Respect you? Do you share the same values? Is he kind to you? Does he meet a majority of your needs (notice I didn’t say ALL! No one person can do that!) Are you friends? I would wager that if you didn’t have fear or doubt holding you back, you would emphatically say yes to all these things. We are conditioned by society to look for the “perfect” spouse – after all, relationships are disposable to celebrities and maybe even our friends. I hear so often that if things aren’t perfect, then you shouldn’t get married. Bull! There is no perfect person or perfect marriage. But if your fiance is a good person, loves and respects you, and you share some basic values, then you’ll be just fine.

Marriage, I don’t think, is a big mystery that only a few lucky people can figure out. It’s two different people who love each other learning to make a life together. And it IS a learning experience – I think I will be learning things for the rest of my life! But it’s so very worth it in the end!

PJ - October 1, 2010 - 9:01 am

Thanks Anna and well put, maybe we can communicate over email, as I am going through the same type of thing from a guys point of view. My whole anxiety and thought process goes something like this with statments and questions in my head; “Do I love her?” “I think I love her”, “I do love her” “I don’t love her”, “I’ve never loved her” etc. I’ve always been a closed off type of person, and really never quote “loved” a person of the opposite sex, so thats why I’m so unsure. I have this idea I’m supposed to feel a certain way and not be asking these questions. Some days are better than others, but the last thing I want to go through is these continual thoughts through the wedding and then after the marriage.

Sheryl Paul - October 1, 2010 - 9:07 am

Anna’s actually in the midst of her own transition right now so I don’t think she’ll be available for email communication ( I understand the urge, though; she’s really a wise soul). However, I encourage everyone who’s struggling with the question of “Do I really love him/her?” to read M. Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Traveled.” It will define love and being in love for you in way that puts in all in perspective and answers your questions. I go into depth in Lesson Four of my e-course, including many, many posts by Anna and other wise women from the boards, but if you can’t wait, read the book TODAY. Peck’s primary point about love is that it’s NOT a feeling but a choice. It’s act of will, an intention, and an action. It’s not a FEELING! Isn’t that amazing?

KD - October 3, 2010 - 2:33 pm

Thank you Anna and Sheryl! I picked up the book and hope to finish it today. I can relate to PJ’s plight…I think that while I am a fun, kind, caring person, I’m probably guarded and closed off as well, and this, perhaps, affects my perception of love. And since this is also my first long-term, serious relationship, I am not sure how I should feel now or if I ever felt the right feelings our entire relationship. I guess I have more work to do!

Janelle - October 7, 2010 - 3:32 pm

I’ve been with my now husband for 3 months, we dated for 10 years before we got married. I always knew I wanted to get married to him and then he proposed and I completely freaked out. I know that I love him dearly and I have been working through my feelings and looking at this website since we got engaged. I was wondering if somebody could say something about feeling like your in denial. Sometimes I ask myself “is this what I really wanted”? I feel like I should completely know for sure that being married to my husband is exactly what I want. Does anyone else do that? I really don’t break down like I use to during our engagement but these thoughts are really annoying. I know that I love my husband completely, I know that there is no one else in the world that I would rather spend my time with. My husband is wonderful so I don’t why sometimes I can’t feel that and enjoy our marriage. Our marriage is a happy one but these thought are AWFUL! Please help!

Janelle - October 7, 2010 - 6:04 pm

I would like to clarify that my marriage is fine and these thoughts are not coming from anything my husband or I have done. These thoughts are just in my head and I don’t know why. I feel like I should know that this is what I want for sure and b/c sometimes I have a hard time answering that question. I feel that I wouldn’t be having these thoughts if this is what I really wanted! Now, please keep in mind, that I know that I love him and I’d never leave. It’s just that my mind keeps throwing up landmines to keep me seperate from love. I wish my mind would just realize what a great life I have laying right in front of me, but instead my mind is trying to find anything to keep me from enjoying it….so strange…ugh!

admin - October 7, 2010 - 7:12 pm

Janelle – You’re describing what every single one of my engaged or newlywed clients describes: a great relationship with the only problem being the landmines that the fear-mind puts up. It sounds like for you the thought of “I should know that this is what I want for sure” is what’s creating a lot of your anxiety. Whenever a sentence starts with “what if” or “I should” it’s a telltale sign that fear is at play and the thought will inevitably lead to anxiety. There’s nothing that says that you “should” know that this is what you want with total certainty. Is there anything in your life you can know with total certainty? Certainty is an illusion, and any thinking person will tell that they have doubts about their relationship or their job or any major decision they’ve made. Learning to accept the uncertainty is a big part of the marriage transition for many, many people.

Janelle - October 8, 2010 - 6:20 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. I am in the point in my marriage transition where I know that every question I have is pretty much okay. Every thought that I have is okay. Now this took me about 7-8 months to get to this point. During my engagement I was so depressed and your mother’s site helped me get out of that depression within a month. The question that my mind keeps putting in front of me “is this what i really want” is a question that I had been dealing with for a long time but was just to scared to ask. I guess I already knew the answer to the question before I asked. It is just a hard question and I’m trying to let that unknown stick in my mind.

Also, I feel that I’m going through a HUGE transition as a mother as well. Now, this sounds crazy b/c I don’t have any kids and my husband and I don’t want children for atleast a few years. Let me explain, my parents went through a divorce when I was little and it shattered me. Ever since I was little I grew up wanting to be the perfect wife thinking that that would always keep my family together. Now, I’m finding out that I’m not the perfect wife b/c of these thoughts in my head. UGH…I know there’s no such thing as perfect and in no other aspect of my life do I want to be perfect…even when I was a girlfriend I didn’t feel the need to be perfect. I tell my husband about this need to be perfect and he laughs and says ” I just want you to be how you’ve always been, I don’t want you to be perfect-that’s crazy”. I know that he’s right but my mind is still trying to accept that. You see we’ve never been ‘perfect’ and our relationship has always just worked- we just are best friends.

Now as for the parent transition (with out even having kids, lol). I am just having a hard time b/c I am pressuring myself to make sure that I have made the best decision in a husband for my children. Now I KNOW that my husband is going to be the best father ever, but I just want to make sure that my husband and I are completely happy together so that my kids won’t have to go through what I went through a child. I know there are no guarantees but my mind needs to somehow manage that no matter what my children are not going to have the perfect life with the perfect family- no one does- and that is hard to accept!

JT - October 8, 2010 - 8:30 am

Janelle

Everything you have said are pretty much my exact thoughts.

KD - October 8, 2010 - 8:44 am

Janelle,
As much as you’re struggling, it seems like you’ve rounded a corner and are seeing there’s light. You recognize your thoughts are fear-based and not rooted in reality. Seems like you’ll get through this with time!

When you were engaged, did you struggle with anything in your relationship, or just the unknown and the level of committment? Right now I am coming to grips with what part of me is struggling with the unknown, and what part is related to the relationship. I wish I could say it’s all me and my crazy head, but I know I have doubts because of our differences in personalities and backgrounds (like, I wish he was more reserved when we go out in public, he’s a product of divorce, he’s smart but not intellectual, etc). I also compare myself to others, thinking, do we have that chemistry? Or were we meant to be friends this whole time? It’s maddening at times!

Sounds like you have a great relationship, and many happy years ahead. Best wishes!

admin - October 8, 2010 - 1:37 pm

KD – At least 90% of my clients struggle with issues in the relationship – which aren’t so much relationship issues as they are difficulties in accepting differences. It’s so common, in fact, that I’ve devoted an entire lesson to it in my Conscious Weddings E-Course – as well as the other thought that’s plaguing you of “Do I love him enough? Or do we have enough chemistry?” You’re far from alone and with the right tools you can effectively work through these anxiety-based thoughts that are keeping you separate from love.

Janelle - October 8, 2010 - 2:45 pm

KD- I mainly struggled with thoughts in my head. That’s not to say that we haven’t ever had problems, b/c we have. But we got through our “problems” and the problems never were a breaking point in the dating life so why would they be when i was engaged. Please try your best to not compare yourself to others. I have to tell myself this a lot! Trust me- you don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. I know that people would be shocked to hear that i’m writing on this website, shocked to hear I’ve had anything other then perfect thoughts. You see, everyone can see exactly what is so hard for me to see right now, which is my husband and I are wonderful together. I actually didn’t nit pick on my husband, rather I was so hard on myself which led to crazy anxiety! don’t worry you’ll get through this and so will I! hopefully : )

Janelle - October 8, 2010 - 3:07 pm

One more thing- one of my fears was dealing with the unknown and i was pretty sure that after the vows were said it would magically disapear. the fears definitly diminish but don’t go away completely-atleast in my case….i wish i would have expected the fears to stay …maybe then i would have felt more comfortable during that first month of marriage! good luck!!

PJ - October 12, 2010 - 12:34 pm

Janelle and KD, I can certainly relate to these questions that are now coming up in your transition. I’ve actually been doing a lot better, my earlier intense thoughts have become a lot easier to handle, but now have transitioned into the thoughts very similar to yours stated above regarding the questions “do I wanna have kids with this person?” or questioning the relationship based on differences in personalities. Like just the other night I let the fear thought in, like “gosh her laugh is so annoying, or she sounds like such a ditz sometimes and is driving me crazy” These do exist, the trick is not to let irrational thoughts like this take over and take charge of the outcome of your relationship. I have no idea what love is, or how I’m supposed to be feeling right now, but I enjoy my fiance’s company and we work as a couple and companionship, and thats just fine with me :)

Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 4:41 pm

Sheryl,
If I have been working with my fears for months and months and I still don’t feel calm and relaxed, does that mean something is wrong? I have been married for a few months now and I just feel like I should feel happy most of the time. I feel like I should not be questioning my relationship with my husband. Could it be that i’m focusing way too much on these thoughts? I’m more than ready for my relationship to go back to how it was when we were dating- I was so relaxed and never had a second thought! Will i ever get that relaxed feeling back? Is something wrong with me? I should be enjoying this wonderful man that I have as my husband! Please help!

admin - October 12, 2010 - 6:05 pm

How much work did you do before you got married? Did you grieve the end of your single identity? Did you transfer allegiance from your family of origin to your husband? Did you find a way to accept the uncertainty of marriage and of marriage? Are there any issues in the relationship that you can point to right here and now that are cause for concern? And by the way, the fact that you never had a second thought during your dating isn’t necessarily a healthy thing!

Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 6:25 pm

Sheryl,
I think that I worked on the fears as much as I knew how to. I had been looking at your website during my engagement for about 6 months and then after my wedding for about 3 months. I think that I have grieved my single identity but I’m not positive. I mean, I had been with my now husband for 10 years so it’s not like that really bothered me too much. I would still say that i have feel some guilt when I choose to spend time with my husband rather then my mother. I’m really working on the uncertainty of marriage, b/c I’m questioning all of my thinking. There are not any issues in my relationship that are cause for concern other than I just can’t stop thinking that I should not be thinking this way. I guess I may have had second thoughts once and a while during our dating relationship but what I meant was that it never drove me to this point- where I can’t get it off of my mind! It’s like I don’t have any specific fears that I can write down anymore b/c I have found through this website that all of my fears are just normal fears. So now I’m trying to figure out why I’m questioning if I did the right thing. Well, I know I did the right thing for me b/c I love my husband- but why wouldn’t I just go back to feeling at ease and relaxed? Does it just take time to get use to the marriage?

Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 6:31 pm

* by the way during right before my husband and I got married we moved from the east coast to the west coast, quit our jobs, recently got new jobs, and we are now living with my sister in law…..so my the transition just isn’t quite complete….after all we were living together for years before we got married and now we’re living with his sister until we get financially stable again…..

Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 6:52 pm

sorry for writing all over your message board- but I just realized when I walked downstairs….that I’m not sure if I completed the turn into an adult transition. I felt like an adult before we got engaged, we were living by ourselves, both had wonderful jobs, and were financially secure. Then when we got engaged I felt all the sudden like an immature kid again? Like I wasn’t a mature adult anymore…I still feel like I should be more mature to be a wife. It seems like I have all of these great expectations, maybe it’s because my parents are divorced and I’m trying to be perfect to someone prevent that from happening. And I know I can’t prevent anything. Thanks for your time everyone I really appreciate it!

admin - October 12, 2010 - 10:35 pm

Yes, it does take time to get used to marriage. But it sounds like there are deeper fears that have been triggered because of the marriage that have to do with your childhood. Clearly your relationship is solid otherwise you wouldn’t have stayed for ten years. But the archetype of marriage is powerful and it will trigger any unconscious fears and beliefs you’ve carried about marriage your whole life but didn’t know you had. Are you in counseling? I would encourage you to consider it. It sounds to me like you would benefit from a deeper exploration of where these fears are coming from and how to work with them effectively.

LT - October 16, 2010 - 7:30 am

Janelle,

I have been reading your comments and cannot BELIEVE how similar we are! It is like reading my own thoughts! I, like you have been married for just a few months. I dated my husband for 11 years before we married and never really questioned our relationship until about three months before the wedding. I was then consumed with the same questions as you – what if I don’t love him enough? Do I really love him? But despite all of these worries, deep, deep down I knew that we were good together and this was just silly fear. However, the fear remained after the marriage and now, exactly like you, I still can’t get it out of my head and I can’t relax and enjoy our marriage. Again, just like you, I am now filled with questions about whether this is someone I want to have children with and if I do, what if it doesn’t work out? My parents also divorced when I was young and it was acrimonious. I have enough insight to know that this is probably why I feel the way I do but there is just no escaping these horrible thoughts. Sheryl, your articles are amazing and it is a major relief to know I am not on my own but I just wonder if I am ever going to get over this and go back to the way I felt when we were just living together. Do you think it is possible?

admin - October 17, 2010 - 2:15 pm

Yes, I know it’s possible to work through the fears and anxiety that arise at any point in the marriage transition. It’s a process and it requires time and commitment, but with the right information and tools, you will find your way to acceptance and tolerance about your marriage.

Janelle - October 30, 2010 - 5:00 pm

LT-

Thanks for responding! I’m sorry that you are going through this but at the same time it’s nice to know I’m not alone. I know that I love my husband, want to be with him, love spending time with him, and love love love laughing together. Last week was such a wonderful one for me! But, of course, the thoughts came back, “is this really going to last forever”? “am i doing the right thing”? You see when I’m not in an anxious state I feel more comfortable addressing those questions, but sometimes my mind just asks the questions over and over again- it drives me crazy! The thought are very annoying and I’m just so sick of them! Then b/c I can’t stop asking myself the questions some days I start to think something must be wrong or i would stop thinking these things. It’s all very frustrating! I hope that you are doing better!

Janelle - October 30, 2010 - 5:01 pm

LT-

Thanks for%20responding!%20I’m%20sorry%20that%20you%20are%20going%20through%20this%20but%20at%20the%20same%20time%20it’s%20nice%20to%20know%20I’m%20not%20alone.%20I%20know%20that%20I%20love%20my%20husband%2C%20want%20to%20be%20with%20him%2C%20love%20spending%20time%20with%20him%2C%20and%20love%20love%20love%20laughing%20together.%20Last%20week%20was%20such%20a%20wonderful%20one%20for%20me!%20But%2C%20of%20course%2C%20the%20thoughts%20came%20back%2C%20%22is%20this%20really%20going%20to%20last%20forever%22%3F%20%22am%20i%20doing%20the%20right%20thing%22%3F%20You%20see%20when%20I’m%20not%20in%20an%20anxious%20state%20I%20feel%20more%20comfortable%20addressing%20those%20questions%2C%20but%20sometimes%20my%20mind%20just%20asks%20the%20questions%20over%20and%20over%20again-%20it%20drives%20me%20crazy!%20The%20thought%20are%20very%20annoying%20and%20I’m%20just%20so%20sick%20of%20them!%20Then%20b%2Fc%20I%20can’t%20stop%20asking%20myself%20the%20questions%20some%20days%20I%20start%20to%20think%20something%20must%20be%20wrong%20or%20i%20would%20stop%20thinking%20these%20things.%20It’s%20all%20very%20frustrating!%20I%20hope%20that%20you%20are%20doing%20better!%20

magda - November 17, 2010 - 10:40 am

So I too am suffering from huge engagement anxiety. I fell into anxiety, panic, and now am suffering from depression because of all the fears that I thought weren’t ok to feel. My biggest concern is how to still lead a happy relationship with my fiance. It’s like this big vicious circle that I don’t know how to get out of. So he is seeing the fear in my eyes, and I see it in his, but his fears are different. His fears and frustrations are based on the fact that he doesn’t know how to help me, but I don’t know how to help me, and I don’t know how to help him. I feel paralyzed when I’m around him because I’ve been feeling this way for so long. I get so frustrated, that this frustrations turns into anger. I feel angry with myself and with my fiance, and I know I shouldn’t but I just feel so stuck in this one place and don’t know which way to go. I know my fear would like me to run away, but that’s not an option. I feel like I’m in a hole, and it feels like everyday it’s getting bigger and bigger. How does everyone deal with their relationship without affecting the other person and still making them feel loved, even with all these fears flying around.

Cori - November 17, 2010 - 1:18 pm

Hi Magda,

I think personally what helped me with showing love to my Fiance even if i wasnt feeling it or if i was feeling numb or disgust or like i wanted to run was knowing that beneath the surface of the fears i did truly love him (even though the fears can lie to you and tell you that you dont). Knowing that, I was able to show love in certain ways, even though it was very difficult. I think sometimes actions proceed knowledge and sometimes loving (the verb) someone (i.e. saying i love you, doing something nice for them, etc) helps with the process of overcoming your anxiety. also being as open as possible with your fiance about everything. i think for a while i was holding back some thoughts i had in my mind and suddenly i decided i had to talk to him about it. once i opened up to him things began to change drastically. i hope this helps.

Sheryl Paul - November 17, 2010 - 1:22 pm

Beautifully said, Cori. It sounds like you’re doing well! Wonderful…

magda - November 17, 2010 - 4:06 pm

I have been doing little things for him to make him know that I love him, even though the fear is so overwhelming that it makes me believe that I don’t. I get him cards, I had a birthday party for him, and that’s with feeling the fear and depression. I think I’m in this stage that no matter where I turn to, I hit a wall. I do talk to him about what I feel, and I think the problem is that I’ve told him a little too much, that would really make anyone want to run away from me. That’s where all the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks. Then with the guilt I feel the anger. I just get angry at everything and everyone. Most of all I’m just angry that I got everything I wanted it, and now the fear made believe that I just don’t want it anymore. But I know I do. I have the most handsome and loving fiance in my eyes, and I’m just upset that it feels like it’s being taken away from me.

Sarah - November 17, 2010 - 9:31 pm

Hi Magda. I can relate to your worries about telling your fiance too much – I have the same tendency. Even though you think it might have been too much, how did it feel to tell him, to get it off your chest? Something that works for me is just saying things out loud to myself when no one can hear me – even screaming in my car when I’m driving down the highway (it feels really good!)- and then dialoguing with that voice. Saying it out loud and actually hearing myself changes the way I interpret what I’m thinking and I’m better able to detach from those thoughts so they’re not as scary. Another thing I would suggest is mentally checking out the walls you’re running into and being curious about what lessons you’re meant to be learning at this stage. The walls are there for a reason. I know it’s hard and can be confusing since it’s so abstract. When I learned to accept where I’m at in my relationship, and life in general, it opened me up to learning so much about myself, my life, and my man while still staying connected to my core feelings (but in a less scary way). :)

admin - November 18, 2010 - 10:58 am

Sarah – One of the most gratifying parts of my work is hearing the wisdom that spills out of people who have been touched by my work and are now sharing their growth with others. I love what you wrote here. Your growth is evident. You’re getting it and absorbing it and now able to share your wisdom with others! It’s wonderful.

Magda – You will be there too one day. You’re doing everything you can right now to address your fears and wade through the difficult thoughts, feelings and issues. I know it’s hard, but hang in there and you will see progress.

Sarah - November 18, 2010 - 11:20 am

Yes, Magda, you WILL see progress. Just a few short months ago I was a complete wreck and thought it would never end. But alas, things have been getting better and better as I allow myself to be where I’m at.

Sarah - November 21, 2010 - 4:12 pm

Sheryl, thanks for your comment and recognizing my growth. Now the trick is remembering it and accepting that it’s a daily practice. It’s easy to forget the lessons I’ve learned when anxiety rears it’s head – old habits sure do die hard – but to make a conscious effort to check in with what I’m needing at that moment is important. Guess I need to take my own advice and to be more accepting of the ebb-and-flow nature of this transition, which is really the pattern of life.

KP - February 22, 2011 - 11:41 am

We are all going through the same thing. It makes me feel a little less fearful to read what everyone is going through. Today I am feeling a little fearful and I can’t really put my finger on why I might be feeling this way. Fear steals from moments of love with my fiance, we spent a wonderful day together yesterday, but today I woke up frightened whether I will be able to love him forever and wondering just how do people love one another forever? Sometimes my fear will just be there for no reason and steal away from our moments together. I really hate it. Though I feel fearful I am still moving forward with our wedding plans, I do not feel scared all the time, sometimes I am so overjoyed and feel blessed to have found the man I want to spend my life with. My question I ask myself is, how do you know the fear isn’t telling the truth? What makes you connect with love to remind you that your fears are not real? And why do we have these fears in the first place? Thanks.

Erin - June 13, 2011 - 8:41 am

This post made me realize that no matter what we’re conditioned to think about engagement and marriage, that the way I am/have been feeling is normal. Despite my fear, I’ve managed to forge ahead with our wedding plans and now, six weeks away, I’m starting to relax and to truly “feel” all of my emotions, good and bad. Thank you so much for this post!

Sheryl Paul - June 13, 2011 - 9:21 am

Yes, Erin! That’s the gift of this work in a nutshell.

Melissa - July 1, 2011 - 2:04 pm

I got engaged a month ago and we are getting married in July 2012. When we first got engaged I was very very excited and started planning right away. As soon as things started to calm down and sink in, I started having fearful thoughts and anxiety about being engaged and married. Of course I immediately thought that if I was having these thoughts then it must not be right. The anxiety intensified because I thought I would end up calling off our engagement and marriage. The fearful thoughts that so many others have posted (what if marriage changes things? what if I get so scared that I leave?, what if we aren’t the right match?, what if we get divorced?) began to completely take over about 2 weeks ago. We have been dating for 4 1/2 years and have lived together for 3. We have a perfect life together and have never even come close to breaking up. We have talked for years about getting married some day and openly discuss the fact that we are each other’s perfect match. Prior to dating him I always told people I would never get married. When people started pressuring me and asking when we were getting married and why we weren’t married I even told them I wasn’t sure when or if we would get married – just so they would stop asking. I have ALOT of divorce in my family and had a very unstable mother. I believe the reason that this is happening is because I had so many negative thoughts about marriage and a belief that it could never work. I am now having to re-teach myself.

I am very thankful for this website and for the work that you do, Sheryl. I have felt so much better since discovering this website and journaling every day. I am also seeing a therapist so that I can get back to normal and enjoy my engagement and new life with my fiance. My latest fear is that we have SO long until we get married – can I last over a year with these feelings and a roller coaster of emotions? Of course my fear is telling me I cannot last. If you have any advice, please pass it on. Thank you again.

Sheryl Paul - July 1, 2011 - 7:26 pm

Thank you for taking the time to write, share your story, and express your gratitude, and I’m so glad that you found your way here and that it’s provided you with guidance, tools, and comfort. My advice in getting through the next year: take it one day at a time and remind yourself that if you’re anxious one day, it doesn’t mean you’ll be anxious the next or your whole engagement. And remind yourself that, especially because of your history, this is an opportunity to heal your negative fears and beliefs and the more you dive into it, the more you’ll learn and grown. And lastly, have you checked out the Conscious Weddings eCourse? It’s a treasure-trove of information, tools, and, perhaps most powerfully, a community of wise and compassionate women (and a couple of men) that gather to support each other on the private eCourse forum. I can’t recommend it highly enough for the anxiously engaged.

Janelle - December 14, 2011 - 2:58 pm

Sheryl,

Wow! It’s pretty amazing to read my old posts from over a year ago : ) I was so lost : ( Thank god I enrolled in your ecourse, it really helped me to work through my emotions rather than pushing them off to the side! Thank God I took the leap and married my amazing husband! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Janelle

For Better or For Worse – by ChristmasBride2006

Occasionally, I’ll be posting some of the most inspirational posts from the Conscious Weddings message board. What follows is one posted by ChristmasBride2006, who also wrote a guest blog here two weeks ago. She was one of the most wise, honest, and supportive members of the boards and I know continues to provide support to countless women through their wedding transition.

***

I know one of the biggest things that helped me when I was engaged was hearing and seeing a “true picture” of what marriage/married life was like. Prior to that, none of my close friends were married nor did I have a lot of experience seeing an “insider’s view” of marriage. It was basically this big mystery to me about what happened after you said your vows. So when my parents opened up and talked to me on a peer level about what marriage and daily… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Belinda - June 10, 2010 - 5:26 pm

LOVE IT! So honest and from the heart. It’s so nice to hear true stories of couples, and to know that every couple out there has problems – rather than just assuming you are the only ones with issues and everyone else’s marriage is perfect. It’s great to hear things from another person’s perspective. Thanks.

Natalie - June 10, 2010 - 5:30 pm

This was 6 months after my wedding. I remember her going through this at the same time I was figuring out my marriage, myself, my relationship…. everything. I keep in touch with her often and am so glad that Anna is an online friend of mine. She helped me through many rough periods while I figured out what all those conflicting feelings, emotions, and thoughts meant for me and my marriage.

Marriage really is all about ups and downs. Not just months apart or years apart, but even days apart within the same week. DH and I are going through a change right now while he reassess his career and figures out what he wants to do with his life after losing his job. I’ve had many of those old thoughts and feelings resurface. However, I now know what they all are and what they all mean (I’m having a hard time with life not going as “planned,” wondering all these things about us and about me, and facing some of my big fears in life overall). ChristmasBride2006 and many others from the Conscious Brides site helped me figure it all out, and I am forever grateful to them. :)

Anna (ChristmasBride) - June 10, 2010 - 6:03 pm

How funny! I totally remember this time – it was really tough! We have been in our house for 2.5 years now but I can remember this time like it was yesterday.

You want to know something ironic? We just bought a car and had to finance part of it … my husband was not really thrilled to add another debt. But this time we handled it sooo much better than the house purchase and we are working so well together to do what we need to do to pay down this unexpected cost and find our “financial-legs” (to borrow a term from Sheryl). We definitely feel more like a team than working against each other… probably because we went through what we did with purchasing our house. I understand my husband so much better.

Gosh there are so many great women (including Natalie) that I met from Conscious Weddings. I really don’t think I would be able to handle transitions like I can now without having gone through the engagement anxiety.

Jannelle - June 16, 2010 - 1:41 pm

Hello All: How did you feel during your engagement? I have been feeling like a “bipolar” person. I have been with my fiance for 10 years and engaged for the past year- our wedding is next month. Lately, I have been feeling so confused—one minute I’m so excited that I get to spend the rest of my life with man and the next minute- absolutely terrified and in tears asking myself if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I’m not connecting with him like I use to all the time—sometimes it feels like I’m just going through the motions an mentally I’m gone. Other times, when I’m not stressed out I’ll laugh with him like how we used to before we were engaged- and everything just feels so meant to be. Has anyone else experienced these feelings? After the vows are said and the wedding is over will my relationship go back to normal? I don’t have any doubts about the relationship, in fact I know I always want him to be in my life- but the word “marriage” is what is really scaring me! How long after the wedding does it take to be back in your normal fun loving relationship without all these crazy marriage fears???

Natalie - June 16, 2010 - 3:35 pm

Janelle… first off, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Second, everything you wrote, I felt during my engagement and after my wedding (I found Sheryl’s website after my wedding), so trust me, you’re OK. I met Anna through Sheryl’s site, as well as many other women who all have written what you just wrote in one way or another. So trust me when I say what you’re feeling is very normal.

I encourage you to read through some of Sheryl’s archives here and go to her Conscious Weddings site. If the message board is still up (closed to posting, but I believe you can still read on there), you’ll find many posts that will help you feel not so alone.

As for timelines… don’t give yourself one. You said it already… when you’re calm and not fixating on everything, your relationship is good, healthy, solid, fun, etc. Remember that. Focus on that when you’re anxious. Write a list of all the things you love about your fiance and about your relationship and read it when you’re feeling particularly anxious. But don’t limit yourself to when you should “feel better.” I’m getting ready to celebrate 3 years of married life and, while I’m a million times less anxious than I was when I got married, new changes in life still spark those feelings (moving, changing jobs, talking about having kids). So while they diminish, don’t think they have to completely go away. You’ll just learn what they are and how to deal with them on your own terms. Don’t give yourself a time limit (I know, I’m repeating myself, but that’s very important). Feel what you need to feel. Process it all. And keep reminding yourself that what you have is good and real and solid. As you adjust to your new role as a wife and figure out what marriage means to you and your fiance, your expectations will lessen and you’ll feel more comfortable with it all.

Finally, you’re a month away from your wedding. Things are going to get busy. Last minute details, family coming into town, people saying things like “Aren’t you so excited?” (I HATED that question personally). Be kind to yourself. For most brides I’ve talked to, anxious or not, the month and weeks leading up to the wedding were almost always overwhelming to them. That is so normal! Give yourself some time to just sit and be. Little details don’t matter much at this point. Breathe, get done what you can, and enjoy your day, knowing you’re entering into the next phase of your life with a solid, loving, stable partner whose company you truly enjoy.

Good luck!

Jannelle - June 16, 2010 - 4:09 pm

Natalie,

Thank you soooo much for your post…I was actually crying as I was reading your post…it is soooo nice to feel normal! It is funny when other family members are completely focusing on the stuff for the wedding and what they can buy for us when in all reality I want a beautiful wedding (of course) but more importantly I just want to feel connected to my fiance that day and that scares me that the fear will overwhelm me.

I keep reminding myself that I could feel absolutely amazing that day or horrible and like i’m making a huge mistake…but i’m starting to come to peace with that whatever I feel that day. It really doesn’t matter how I feel –because at the end of the day that’s just one day in my life…and I get to make new memories everyday with my soon to be husband.

To be honest if I had to choose feeling special on my wedding day or feeling “emotionally stable” during the days afterwards, I would choose feeling great during my marriage!

Also, I really wonder if any woman glides through her engagement b/c I know other people think it has been “so easy” for me. I would never even dream of talking to either of our families about this. First I would feel ashamed and second they would just laugh b/c our families our so close to each other. They have seen my fiance and I basically grow up together since we were 18 years old. And they know that we’ll be fine. Actually my brother said to me …”so last chance to get out” (joking around) and my mother said….”hahahha yeah right they’ve been together for 10 years I think she would’ve decided that by now”– which, when I think about that it’s so true—if I ever wanted to leave I would have by now—I’ve always wanted this—so there in lies the confusion-Thanks for your post! It really helped!!

How did you feel on your wedding day?

Natalie - June 16, 2010 - 5:13 pm

Janelle…

I’m glad my reply helped. I know just realizing there were others out there who “got it” helped me heal more than anything. On my wedding day, I felt disconnected. I hated it at the time, but it was what it was and now, I’m OK with it. As I said, I didn’t find Sheryl’s site until after my wedding (really the week before, but I didn’t dive in until after my wedding). I only talked to my father because I was afraid others would tell me my fears meant I shouldn’t get married or that DH and I were wrong for each other. Then I found Sheryl’s site and now, 3 years later, my whole perspective on marriage/weddings/relationships is different… and I feel it’s much more realistic.

Jannelle - June 16, 2010 - 6:18 pm

Thanks for letting me know! It is so nice to her peoples stories that are already married. The other day I was at the doctor and the doctor knew that I was getting married and she told me that she turned into a crazy person two weeks before her wedding because she didn’t know how she could spend forever with her soon to be husband! And then another relative told me her engagement story and she’s in her 60′s. She said that her husband had actually called off the wedding and broke up with her for 4 months because of “cold feet”. They have now been married for over 30 years!! I wish I knew about all of these types of stories before my fiance proposed- even though I would have said that I wouldn’t feel that way!

I feel so lucky that I’m able to talk to my fiance about all of my new found craziness! At first, I was really nervous and thought he’d leave me. However, it was the exact opposite and he has been more than supportive throughout this roller coaster ride. Now I know that I can tell him anything and no matter what he’d never EVER leave! It’s so comforting knowing that I’m entering a marriage where he and I will truly be there “for better or worse and in sickness and in health”. I will smile when we say those vows because through this engagement I’ve learned that to be the case!

Jannelle - June 24, 2010 - 12:58 pm

Natalie,

Could you describe to me a little bit more how you were feeling during your engagement. My engagement has been filled mainly with tears and second guessing my decision. There rarely is a day that goes by where I haven’t been upset for at least a few hours. I’ll ask myself “Is this the right guy? Is this what I really want? Am I lying to myself about wanting this b/c this should be so much easier? Why can our relationship just go back to care free? Why do I feel so miserable?

I am so sick about thinking about this every second of the day. It is like I can’t focus on anything else. I am hoping that after we get married I won’t be worrying about this all the time. I can’t believe that I am feeling like this- one word to describe it is shocking!! I have wanted this for 10 years!! This is definitely the worst year and I just feel so heartbroken. I want this all to go away- I just want to stop thinking about all of these negative things. I just want to be happy again. And by the way nothing in our relationship has changed since we got engaged- so that is why I think I should be the same carefree girl!

Did you second guess your decision every day or just once in a while? What was the extent of second guessing? Were you in tears or could you just laugh it off? One of the red flags is “It doesn’t feel right” Did you always think it felt right or did you second guess that? My relationship feels right when I am not stressing. But I find myself stressing a lot and it is so aggravating!

There is something inside me that thinks this is all going to be fine once were married and the pressure (that I’m putting on myself) is gone. I know that I do NOT want to call the wedding or the marriage off— it is just so scary—and I don’t want to fail! I really do think that these are just wedding nerves but sometimes those nerves are very convincing!! Any advice would be so helpful!

Natalie - June 24, 2010 - 3:04 pm

Janelle…

I don’t need to describe how I felt during my engagement because you just did. It’s not a fun place… I remember it all too well.

Also, the red flag of “it doesn’t feel right” isn’t one thos of us “Conscious Brides” can really lean on. I don’t recall that being one of Sheryl’s red flags, but it’s been a while since I’ve read the list. When you’re overcome with anxiety to the point you are, it’s hard to trust what you’re feeling as what’s “true” and what’s “fear.” More often than not, it’s fear… intense, horrifying, horrible fear. The best advice I received… when in those intense fear moments, don’t make any decisions.

You’re getting closer and closer to your wedding, so it makes total sense to me that you’re feeling more and more anxious. Have you made lists of what it is you love about your fiance and what you love about your relationship to him? A list of positives helps, even if you just read it when anxious and don’t necessarily believe it at that time. The counter to that list is a list of what scares you specifically. If the list is filled with “It doesn’t feel right” types of things, I’d chalk it up to fear. “It doesn’t feel right” is a very vague feeling/idea. What does it mean to have it “feel right?” You and your fiance are two different people. If your list of fears included “He comes home and drinks until he passes out and is verbally abusive to me,” then yeah, that to me is a red flag. But if it’s “I like musicals and he doesn’t” or “he doesn’t talk about feelings as much as I do,” I’d think that’s fear nitpicking at every little difference you could possibly find. Even “I hate the way his nose looks” or “I wish he’d pluck that unibrow.” Differences are good. In my opinion, questioning is good too. It means you’re taking this seriously.

I know it sounds simple, but just be kind to yourself. You said it yourself… you’ve wanted this for 10 years. Prior to this anxiety, you felt secure in your relationship. Trust that, even when you can’t feel it.

To answer your question specifically… I felt anxious every day as well, so don’t think that means something is seriously wrong. Some days were worse than others. I felt most anxious when I had to work on something specific for the wedding. So it’s OK. Find something that helps calm you down… journaling, a warm bath, walking in nature, sitting with your fiance just “being” while watching a comedy…. something and try to do it for at least an hour a day. It’s a hard way to feel, but you and I aren’t the only ones who’ve felt that way.

Jannelle - June 24, 2010 - 4:53 pm

Thank you so much, you are like my angel during this difficult time. I did make a list of things and it has helped, but this fear is very amazing–it’s unreal! I kinda thought the “it doesn’t feel right” was an easy one to lean. The other red flags were pretty straight forward and “it doesn’t feel right” is easy to question. For me saying “it doesn’t feel right” is just saying that they way I’m feeling doesn’t feel right nothing to do with my relationship. My relationship feels right! Thanks for saying “Prior to this anxiety, you felt secure in your relationship. Trust that, even when you can’t feel it.” I have been telling myself the same thing! I also liked your advice of “don’t make any decisions when you’re in the fear moments”. It’s embarrassing to say but I have been on the floor in the fetal position just crying a few times during our engagment- and thank God my fiance knows who I really am- even when I can’t find the real me!

Thanks again, I smile and cry tears of happiness every time I read your responses. It is so nice to hear that this is normal and it is really sad that more people don’t talk about this! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

Natalie - June 24, 2010 - 5:08 pm

Whether or not it’s “normal,” it was normal for me, and it’s normal for you. I think most brides go through this on some level… we’re just some of the lucky ones who go through it with a hypersensitivity to it all! Isn’t it great? :)

I’m glad I can be of some help. Focus on what you knew prior to the engagement anxiety and the fact that your fiance is so kind and good that he understands this is not about him. He really does sound like a keeper. :)

JT - July 29, 2010 - 1:41 pm

Jannelle,

Everything you wrote is exactly how I’m feeling now. My wedding is 3 months away and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just wondering if you have had your wedding already and if you did, How did you feel on your wedding day? I’m so scared that I’m going to feel so disconnected from my fiance which is how I feel now. And I fear that this will all carry over till after my wedding. I’d love to hear how you feel now.

Janelle - July 29, 2010 - 4:26 pm

I’m actually two days away from my wedding and i’m feeling much better..it’s definitely the anticipation of it all that got me! my best advice is to not be scared to feel your feelings and to know that you’re not a horrible person… i thought that i was trying to feel my feelings but i was actually entreching them further…now that i have let go and stopped trying to control me feelings…i’ve realized that everything will be fine…..i would have to say that i was definitely depressed and the inner bonding website and videos helped me sooo much and made me feel like i wasn’t a horrible person..i’m still working through those fear feelings but i’m so much better now! good luck the engagement period is absolutely horrible but so worth it!

JT - July 30, 2010 - 7:41 am

Oh I’m so happy to hear that. The one thing that I keep doing is trying to feel my feelings. Like trying to feel my love for my fiance and when I can’t I start to freak out and my doubts and fears start to take control of me. I’ve started to realize that I can’t just will my self to feel a certain way, but I consistantly do it. Then everytime I’m around my fiance I start to get anxious cause I’m not feeling the way I want to. Its like a never ending cycle. I’m certainly better then I was before I found this site but all my fears are still there.
I’m happy to hear that you are doing better and wish you all the best this weekend!!!!

Sheryl Paul - July 30, 2010 - 10:06 am

There’s a very important distinction that needs to be made between feeling the core transition feelings of grief, loss, disorientation, and loneliness and the feelings that are created by the anxious, fear-based thoughts. It’s critical to allow yourself to feel the core feelings and to understand what the fear-based thoughts are that are creating the anxiety and depression. The tricky thing about transitions – especially the wedding – is that we have so many false beliefs and unrealistic expectations that make it challenging to just allow the core transition feelings to emerge without attaching meaning to them. For example, if you’re feeling disconnected from yourself – which is a hallmark of the liminal stage – you will naturally feel disconnected from everyone around you, including your fiance. We then think, “Oh my god. I’m not feeling connected to my fiance. I must not love him enough. I must be making a mistake. What’s wrong with me?” and the vicious cycle begins. So much of this work around the wedding transition is discovering and then letting go of the unrealistic expectations and then allowing the core feelings to just be that: a feeling.

JT - July 30, 2010 - 10:37 am

Sheryl,

That is exactly how I feel. I don’t feel connected to myself or anyone around me. That exact thought went through my head that this must mean I don’t love my fiance. That we’re not meant to be together. But before all of these emotions and fears started happening I never had a second thought about marrying him. I’ve been with him for 10 years and I’ve always known he was the one. Its just now when we’re together my thoughts are constantly obsessing over how I am feeling and I get so worked up. Luckily he is so supportive and I’m able to talk to him about all of this. I’m almost jealous of him at times because he says that he is scared too but he seems to be able to handle so much better than me and I get so upset. I’ve just been trying to tell myself that these are all normal feelings and reading this blog really helps me to understand it a little better.

admin - July 30, 2010 - 4:04 pm

They ARE normal feelings, I promise you. They’re the defining feelings of any transition, but they’re so difficult to validate around a wedding because they’re directly opposed to what we’re told we SHOULD be feeling.

PJ - August 27, 2010 - 9:39 am

Sheryl,

I guess another fear in all this that I have is “what is love?” How do I know if “I was ever in love” if I’ve never really known what to compare love to, how do I know “I’m in love”. Basically, what I’m saying is, is that I have no idea what love is, and since I’m having these fears and doubts about the wedding, this must mean I’m not in love right? Anybody else have these thoughts?

JT - August 27, 2010 - 10:53 am

I have had these same thoughts too. I’ve been with my fiance for 10 years he is the only relationship I have ever been in. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone else and still don’t. When I start questioning whether or not I truelly love my fiance its so hard for me to know because I have nothing to compare it too. Then I start question “What is love?”, “How do I know I’m in love?”, “Does this mean I don’t love him?”. What has helped me is identifying these thoughts as anxious thoughts and trying not to engage them. If I do, the whole cycle of negative thoughts gets stronger and I can’t get out of. I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts trying to really get to know what is driving this. And I’m scared, I’m scared to get married, I’m scared to commit myself to someone for the rest of my life, I’m scared to grow up, I’m scared to be responsible for myself and someone else. I am scared to death of all the “What ifs”. But I know deep down that I am exactly where I want to be because I choose to be here and if I ran away from all this I would probably be scared with the next person I would be with.

It really does help to identify the thoughts as a fear and the fact that your in a transition of the total unknown and just let yourself be and talking about it really helps. It has taken me awhile to be at this point and this site has really helped me.

PJ - August 27, 2010 - 11:05 am

Yep, those are the same questions running through my head this very instance. This is my longest relationship I’ve ever been in, where before, I only dated, never was a “relationship type”. I find myself really wondering if I’m in love, and if I ever really was that into my fiance or loved my fiance. The assumption is that when your engaged and getting married, your supposed to be “in love” but theres no crystal ball telling me whether I’m actually in love with my partner, and since I don’t feel a certain way, maybe I’m not. Thus, I shouldn’t be getting married to somebody I don’t think or know I’m in love with. The fear is “who wants to get married to somebody they are not in love with?” However, how do I even know that I quote “love” my fiance?

JT - August 27, 2010 - 2:38 pm

The expectation of how to feel is certainly something that I have struggled with as well. But who is to say we are suppose to feel something. The assumption that when we get married or engaged we are suppose to be “in love” – thats exactly what it is an assumption. Who is to tell us how we are suppose to feel. You feel what you feel and thats it, its just a feeling. I just try to focus on how I felt before I was engaged. I was happy with my fiance and knew that I wanted to be with him before all these fears started coming up.

PJ - August 30, 2010 - 8:53 am

Thanks, yeah, its just tough right now, getting better

KD - September 8, 2010 - 1:27 pm

So thankful to have come across this post today. Everything mentioned above has been a thought in my head these past weeks. Never did I imagine myself to be going through this right now – to be completely overtaken by fear, doubt, to feel completely disconnected from my fiance, my friends and even myself. It hurts. It is all-consuming. It forgets the last 5 years I’ve spent with someone, and the positivity and hopefulness I had (or thought I had) before becoming engaged. I probably would have broken off the engagement had I not found Conscious Weddings/Conscious Transitions. Thank you for reassuring me, again, that it is OK. Yes, these fears may go away, or they may get worse, but to face them.

In all of this, I am curious, how do we best deal with our significant other? He has been so patient and supportive, but I can only imagine what my reaction would be if the tables were turned.

Gmjersey - September 11, 2010 - 9:31 am

I’m also curious on how to handle my fiance. He is so supportive and I like to share with him but sometimes i feel like i’m going to cause him more grief by telling him every little thing i feel. I also am having trouble getting motivated at all- I feel so depressed at times. Is anyone else having a hard time planning the actual wedding when you feel doubt and fear and anxiety? I try to get things done when I’m in a good mood and feel good but I wish i was enjoying the planning a bit more.

KD - September 15, 2010 - 5:15 pm

I know it’s hard to think about the day when you’re feeling so down. I’m struggling with that now. When my maid of honor is sending me a free subscription to “Brides” magazine, my friend is providing design concepts for the save the dates, and my future mother-in-law wants to know what color dress she should avoid, it’s challenging to put up a happy front and not clue them in to what you’re really thinking. Don’t feel forced to plan. Planning will come when you’re feeling better. Just surround yourself with people you can trust as much as possible now.