Category Archives: Divorce/Calling it Off/Break Up

“I’m Scared to Love You Because I’m Scared You’re Going to Die”

My mother was in town last weekend to celebrate an early Thanksgiving. We had a lovely time and it filled my heart to see the way she delights in my boys and affirms our out-of-the-box parenting choices. Being of like mind and similar temperament, she and Everest have always had a special connection, but something seemed to cross over to a new level this trip. As he shared his passion for technology and she reveled in the workings of his mind, I could see Everest opening his heart to her fully. He taught her how to make a Bucky Ball cube, showed her his Perplexus 3D marble maze, and listened together to Jack and Annie traveling to Italy to apprentice under Leonardo da Vinci for a day in a Magic Treehouse audiobook. Grandma scratched his back as they lounged on the couch together and he relaxed completely into their bond.… Click here to continue reading…

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Shauna - November 29, 2011 - 2:37 pm

I love this post. You never cease to amaze me, Sheryl.

Just the other night, my man and I were playing the questions game (which really means we take turns asking questions of each other) and he asked me, “what scares you the most about moving forward in our life together?”. Because I was so happy in the moment, and because I love him so much, this question scared me because deep down, I am truly terrified of losing him.

He will be officially become a police officer in a few short months and everyone I tell, looks at me with these sad eyes and asks if I know what I am getting myself into. Of course, this only adds to my stress (and makes me what to SLAP them). I know “its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” or however it goes, but sometimes, it feels safer to not risk losing him by not trusting in us and our relationship.

Teri - November 29, 2011 - 3:24 pm

A powerful post. You have untangled the yarn. I wonder how many times I will read what I know to be true before it settles in my heart- for real.

Sheryl Paul - November 29, 2011 - 3:30 pm

And I wonder how many times I’ll write it before it settles into my deepest knowing… : )

Sheryl Paul - November 29, 2011 - 3:33 pm

Thank you, Shauna. It takes great courage to love no matter what the specific circumstances and yes, the safe route is not to risk loving at all. But life isn’t about being safe, is it? It’s opening learning to open our hearts as wide as they will go and inviting our dear loved ones to dive on in.

Dana Wilde - November 30, 2011 - 9:34 am

Thank you, Sheryl – This is beautiful! I also love knowing your mom, and how much she has been important to my own life, healing, and learning to be a loving adult. Due to getting so hurt by the adults as a tiny developing person (perhaps even starting in the womb), my heart’s been protected for so long — so learning to even recognize it, and to make new choices open my heart is still an ongoing challenge/journey for me, even with 10 years of Inner Bonding therapy under my belt. Forming loving attachments/bonds with adults/peers = new for me. Animals and children = easy :)

Yellow - December 1, 2011 - 10:38 am

I have enjoyed your posts immensely, Sheryl. I have to tell you that your website and insights have been key for me in figuring out the source of my fears surrounding my husband and marriage, fears which I agonized over since getting serious with him almost 10 years ago. I have spent so much time believing the lies that my fears have fabricated & suffering so much at the hands of those fears, and so seeing you articulate them and “call them out” has helped me very much. I loved the part in this post where you say, “he’s socially awkward, doesn’t have a good sense of humor,” etc…these are things that I have agonized over, personally. I am so blessed to read them and be reminded that other people go through this, and that nothing and nobody is perfect.

Sheryl Paul - December 1, 2011 - 10:56 am

Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to connect with animals and kids?! They can still hurt us (die) but somehow it feels more manageable.

Sheryl Paul - December 1, 2011 - 10:58 am

It’s always astonishing to me how infrequently we hear the truth in our culture about what people really struggle with in intimate relationships. We know that they can be hard, but we don’t really know why they’re hard and that the majority of it has to do with believing fear’s lies. I’m so glad you’ve found your way here and that the information has been helpful.

Nina - December 3, 2011 - 9:47 am

Shortly after meeting my son’s father, we were discussing a life together and he acted like a little kid “this can really happen to me?” he asked in amazement. Sure, I replied. Literally within hours of being thrilled that maybe, this was possible for him, his fear came up with so many reasons as to why it wouldn’t/couldn’t work. Then he’d go back and forth with maybe…no…yes…maybe…I got sooo sooo tired of trying to overcome them for him and convince him it was real and right, I just gave up and moved on. Sadly, his fear has also led him to not be a father because he refused to give up addictive and mental health issues that I didn’t want my child to be exposed to. Just the other day, after going through my son having surgery and other life changes I was thinking about him, how my son is FOUR and has never met him and thought “he is such a coward”

Its nice that you can be compassionate about it, me, I’m just mad, and disappointed, and find it hard to be understanding. I know about fear, I feel it all the time but really, if I let it dictate my actions I’d never get out of a little ball curled up in the corner…so I just go and do anyway. and amazing things happen.

Sheryl Paul - December 4, 2011 - 5:28 pm

Nina: I imagine that underneath your anger and resentment there’s a lot of grief, loneliness, and helplessness that he didn’t make a different choice and he allowed fear to dictate his actions. You can’t convince someone else that it’s right; it’s something they need to come to on their own. And the truth is that it’s really his loss as he’s missing out on the greatest gift of being a father, and that’s where the compassion comes in.

chantel - December 15, 2011 - 4:52 pm

i love your post. this gives me great comfort to know im not the only one. after my father leaving me when i was 8, intimate relationships with men has always been a problem for me. i am not with an amazing guy who is the man of my dreams. who treats me so well (after years of dating bad men) and sometimes i still get the feeling where i need to break up with him, or i find any reason under the sun as to why i shouldnt be with him.. but read your post comforts me in knowing that i shouldnt believe the fears lies … thank u

“Real Love Is Only What You Give”

I don’t recall how I first stumbled upon Recipes for a Perfect Marriage by Morag Prunty, but most likely it came from a recommendation from a member of the Conscious Weddings message board. I remember intially feeling put-off by the title as anything that contains the word “perfect”, especially in connection to weddings or marriage, produces an immediate allergic reaction in my psyche. But because I trust my wise and thoughtful audience, I purchased the book and was stunned to find the words that I espouse to my clients every day transposed into a rich and meaningful novel.

I recently re-read the book to make sure that it has withstood my ever-evolving understanding of real love and marriage. My 2011 review: it’s nothing short of brilliant. It’s the only novel I’m aware of that presents an authentic, realistic window into what it means to love and… Click here to continue reading…

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Morag Prunty - April 21, 2012 - 12:36 pm

Sheryl, I am so blown away with this blog that features my book (I write under the name Kate Kerrigan). So great to meet someone who appreciates the “reality of real love.”
Maybe come visit my blog sometime too?
http://katekerriganauthor.tumblr.com/

Great to meet with you online. x

Sheryl Paul - April 21, 2012 - 6:41 pm

Oh my goodness! I’m beyond thrilled to connect with you and receive this comment! You’re a bit of a celebrity on my e-course forum and I’ve been recommending your book to every single person who has come my way over the last 14 years. Thank you for your brilliant work; it’s literally the ONLY fiction piece I’ve come across that paints a realistic and inspiring picture of real love. I will certainly be heading over to your site and would love to connect with you more personally as well.

Troy - May 6, 2012 - 9:02 am

I’m a guy and I’m in tears right now. This information is so encouraging to me, not because I’m feeling like now the love I care about will survive, but because I realize the next right step to keeping it alive is not about it or something he needs to do, but something I can do that will be good for me no matter what happens to the relationship. Thank you.

One Moment At A Time

One of the slogans in the 12-step programs is One Day At A Time. In the life of someone enduring a transition – whether in the midst of a break up, becoming a mother, trying to conceive, or retiring – a more appropriate and helpful phrase is One Moment At A Time.

This topic recently emerged in my video interview with psychotherapist Carrie Dinow for my upcoming Birthing a New Mother Home Study Course. We were discussing how the common initiation of first trimester sickness is an initiation into the struggles of parenthood in the sense that, when a woman approaches the test with consciousness, she learns skills and calls on inner resources that she’ll use countless times in her life as a mother. For Carrie , the resource she called upon was staying in the moment. She would tell herself, “I’m sick in this moment. It’s not… Click here to continue reading…

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Katie - March 31, 2011 - 8:34 am

I love this blog – it’s become one of my favorites on the blogroll. Thank you! Last year I got married, moved, switched jobs, made new friends, etc. and each post is like a mini-devotional for the day.

Marybeth - March 31, 2011 - 9:10 am

Really helpful insight:)

Sheryl Paul - March 31, 2011 - 9:50 am

I’m so glad it’s helpful. Katie, thank you for your kind words – and what a HUGE year you’ve had! It does seem like major life transitions often occur in quick succession.

KD - March 31, 2011 - 8:25 pm

When my anxiety was at its all-time high, I connected with my dad so much, as he works in mental health. His overarching advice was ‘What are you going to do to get through today? Focus on that.’ And, ‘today’ could have been one hour or one week. What was I going to do to focus on getting over my anxiety in the moment? Trusting that it would get better, but knowing to focus on the present helped tremendously.

ChristmasBride2006 - April 26, 2011 - 9:11 pm

This seems like it’s becoming my mantra for this pregnancy. I get so overwhelmed with the information, questions, answers, feelings, thoughts, etc. that my husband and I constantly have to remind ourselves that we’re just taking it day by day, and sometimes, minute by minute. I can go from feeling excited, to at peace, to totally terrified and anxious in the span of a few hours. Whenever I get worked up with having to make decisions, my sweet husband just reminds me that we’ll make those decision when we have to (which is definitely not at 6w2d pregnant!)

Sheryl Paul - April 26, 2011 - 9:18 pm

There is only one thing you have to do right now: breathe. That’s it. There are no decisions that need to be made. There’s nothing you have to plan. There’s no information that you need to read about or absorb. Your body knows exactly what to do. Breathe. Trust your body. Slow down and turn your focus inward. Discover what’s living inside of you as this tiny life begins to take form. Revel in the mystery and the miracle of it all. Cry. Grieve. Notice your fear. Celebrate the joy. Laugh. Listen to what you feel like eating or drinking. Sleep when you need to sleep. Trust yourself. There is nothing to do but be.

Tracy - September 7, 2011 - 12:52 pm

I’d very much like to hear what wisdom you have to impart re: divorce. I’m on the edge of one now. It looks like it’s going to happen. I’ve never been through it before and I’m awash with conflicting emotions.

I’d love to get some insight.

Sheryl Paul - September 9, 2011 - 1:48 pm

I’m sorry you’re about to go through a divorce. Divorce is a death experience and I suggest you download my free eBook, “Conscious Transitions”, so you can approach this life-altering transition with consciousness and a lifeline that, even though you will feel like you’re being ripped apart and your heart is breaking into a hundred pieces, you know that if you go through it consciously you can embrace the possibility of growing stronger and wiser through it. Let yourself grieve like you’ve lost a loved one, because you have. Let yourself grieve the past and grieve the dreams of the future. Let yourself grieve as long and as hard as you need to without succumbing to the common cultural message that says, “You should be over it by now” (after 6 months or a year). With every death there is a rebirth and with every shattering there is a building anew. Knowing that doesn’t change the experience of deep pain, but it does give you a ray of hope when all seems bleak and dark.

Ways to Challenge Fear

There are many ways to battle fear – from breathing techniques to working with your thoughts. But one of the most effective is taking action that says “no” to fear and “yes” to love and faith.

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Marie - January 17, 2011 - 5:32 pm

Hi, from New Zealand, fear is not easy to overcome, I have found positive affirmations to work well for me, cheers Marie

Heathre - January 19, 2011 - 4:04 pm

I recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

GmJersey - January 21, 2011 - 7:37 am

Sheryl thank you for this post. When I read the part about the ziplining I cried again. Its funny but after that jump, I’ve done other things that where “out of character” And it got me thinking , why am I always scared to do things? Its not only that I think I’ll get hurt but I am also terrified of failing. For example, after the ziplining I went surfing. The whole day before I kept telling my fiance I was going to skip it. I didn’t tell him why but in my head all I thought was, I’m not going to be able to stand up! The fear of trying it and failing was so strong it almost made me not try it at all. Anywho, I gathered up my courage and granted having my closet 4 friends trying it with me def. helped but I took the lesson and guess what? I stood up on the board!! For maybe 2 seconds and on one leg but I STOOD UP!!! I was so proud of me. I’m sure if I take more lessons the better I will get. Maybe in a way that’s how marriage will be. Something completely new, where I have so many fears because its something I’ve never done before, but with practice I will get better and hopefully be a great wife!

Sheryl Paul - January 21, 2011 - 8:35 am

Yes! That’s exactly what it’s like with marriage. You start out with fear and a good dose of faith and you jump off the cliff and trust that your parachute will open. Also, it seems that almost everyone who comes to me is a perfectionist, which means that the fear of failure is quite strong. It’s great that you’re making this connection and working with it through ACTION during your engagement.

Cori - January 21, 2011 - 8:36 am

GM – i love the comparison you made with the surfing and marriage! thinking of it that way takes so much pressure off of us anxious folks. If we go into it thinking our marriage has to be perfect our anxiety will increase ten-fold. I love thinking of it as practice makes perfect. It will be hard, but the more work we put into our marriage and commitment and the more we make mistakes and learn from them, the better our marriage will get and the better spouses we will become. i like it :)

elisa - February 22, 2011 - 8:14 pm

Can anyone comment on the possibility of reconciliation of a broken relationship?

KD - February 23, 2011 - 2:50 pm

Elisa,
I guess it all depends upon the circumstances, but I do know of a few people who have been able to reconcile, even under some seriously bad circumstances.

For instance, friends of mine, we’ll call them E & C. E & C began dating in college for 1.5 years. They started to grow apart due to immaturity and C’s fear of serious commitment. C then left E for another girl. E was distraught, but was able to distance herself and enjoy her college experience, making new friends, figuring out who she was, and letting go of the pain C had caused. By the end of college, E & C re-entered each other’s lives. E was able to forgive C for his actions, and C in turn has proven himself a committed and trustworthy partner. They have been going strong for the past 3.5 years.

I guess it depends on what sort of reconciliation you’re looking for. Can you truly let go of past hurt, can you fully embrace the new relationship?

Shauna - December 20, 2011 - 8:50 am

Every time I am feeling anxious, I manage to find support and calm at this website. Thank you so much.

This post reminded me of a documentary I just watched about rock climbing. The entire time I was thinking, “These men are crazy”, but I also wished I was braver and went out of my comfort zone more often. This post made me realize how much fear has a hold of me, in life and in love.

Sheryl Paul - December 20, 2011 - 11:03 am

Yes, Shauna, and more and more I realize that it’s really through positive action and ritual that we break down fear’s stronghold. We can talk all we want about it but eventually we have to say “no” to fear, which happens most effectively through action.

The Heart Break of Breaking Up

I’m in conversation with several people who are in the midst of a break up, one of whom I’m very close to. So in addition to the chapter on Breaking Up in my free eBook, Conscious Transitions, (which you can download through signing up on the right sidebar), I’d like to offer a few more thoughts about the transition of a break up.

First off, my heart goes out to you. Breaking up is excruciatingly painful, for whether you were together for ten months or ten years, your heart opened to this person and now he or she is gone. There’s a reason why it’s called a “break up”, and it’s not just because you’re separating or breaking off from someone. It’s because a break up also breaks your heart open. You are broken open. Your heart is in pieces.

As I wrote in the Breaking Up chapter, when you’re… Click here to continue reading…

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Teri Hoover - January 12, 2011 - 6:06 pm

Ok so I open your post – with Crosby Stills and Nash playing in the background I finish reading your post to the words- “Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud-”

… Well then. What could a 50 year old woman; in a secure relationship for 30 years have to say about break up. I will tell you hind sight pretty clear… I did not cry enough. Thank you once again for your insights. We will see what else I am holding onto – even at my age. :-)

Sheryl Paul - January 12, 2011 - 7:21 pm

What a great comment! And what a wonderful insight “I did not cry enough.” I think that’s probably true of most people, which is why I always say that it’s never too late to complete unfinished transitions (which really means letting yourself cry about the stuffed away grief about the old losses). Be sure you to download my free eBook, Conscious Transitions, if you haven’t done so already.

Sophia - January 12, 2011 - 7:44 pm

Crying is a soul cleanse. My mom has always said, “there’s more room out there than in that little body of yours…so let it out.”
Aside from crying a lot, journaling has been an immeasurable gift. Sometimes it is rambling on and on…not knowing where you are or where you are going, but eventually you find your place.
I used to have a very hard time with those who’d say, ‘time will heal your pain’ because I truly didn’t believe they could understand JUST HOW MUCH PAIN I WAS IN, but it is absolutely true. Time tempers the hurt and life does go on and so do you. The challenges are gifts though they may not seem like they are at the time of a break-up. I have learned more about myself and my place on this planet these past six months since my relationship ended. It has been the toughest journey and the most enriching at the same time. Your blogs are wonderful and continue to bring me back to my personal truth. Thank you.

Sheryl Paul - January 12, 2011 - 8:29 pm

Thank you, Sophia. Your comments are wonderful and it’s clear that you’re on a transformative journey of personal growth and healing. And YES YES YES, I “prescribe” journaling to every client I work with. For some people, writing just isn’t their way, but I always suggest to give it a try because it’s always accessible and free – so it can’t hurt to try.

KD - January 15, 2011 - 3:09 pm

It’s amazing how something so fundamental, so basic to human life as crying can really provide the release needed to move on and let go. I have been allowing myself to embrace the emotions as they come and just let them come through me. I can tell you, after each breakdown, hard and challenging breakdown, I feel ready to begin to rebuild. Thanks for reminding us that there really is no timetable.

Sarah - January 16, 2011 - 7:16 pm

KD – I find myself wanting to reach out to you. Grief is such a hard thing to go through – just when you thought it was done there’s another layer that presents itself. I know in other posts you and I shared a lot in common and I find myself wondering where you are now in your transition. I guess a part of me is also searching for words of wisdom that you may have (there’s that wounded self trying to find answers) because I’m still struggling with figuring out how to navigate this transition. Are you on the forum at all?

KD - January 17, 2011 - 11:48 am

Hi Sarah, I have thought the same, as many of your posts really hit home with me. Perhaps we can exchange email addresses with Sheryl’s assistance (I am not on the forum).

Best, KD

Lovebug - January 17, 2011 - 12:43 pm

Yes, I would love that. I will email Sheryl.

Why Am I So Terrified?

Eventually, all of my clients and E-Course participants end up asking the same question: If I’m with such a great guy (or girl), why am I so terrified? It’s an understandable question to ask on the threshold of marriage as the terror (and yes, it’s terror, not just fear or anxiety) flies in the face of what you think you’re supposed to feel. The next question is: If I was with the right person, I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Again, an understandable conclusion since nothing in this culture prepares people for the normal fear and common terror that arise during an engagement.

So why would someone feel terrified to marry someone with whom they have a great relationship? Why would a loving, solid partnership trigger such deep-seated feelings of anxiety rendering my clients unable to eat, sleep, or function? The first reason is that it’s because the… Click here to continue reading…

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Carrie Dinow - January 6, 2011 - 1:41 pm

Stupendous!

Cori - January 6, 2011 - 1:51 pm

During my anxious periods, I deal with this question on a daily basis! So glad you addressed it here. Another question which I believe goes along the same lines that I ask myself (and I think many others do too) is, “is this really terror/anxiety/fear I am feeling, or am i not scared at all and maybe I just dont want to be with him?” The way I answer that is by remembering what I have with him and how amazing he is and how it is the best relationship I have ever had… but it is still difficult to get the fear voice to go away and to actually believe it.

I love the idea of all of the anxiety from our past popping up now because we are in a safe place. It makes so much sense. I have always felt this anxiety lurking beneath the surface, especially while in relationships, but the relationships never lasted long enough for it to surface (and i never felt safe enough).

I love this part: “Deal with me now! You’re finally with someone safe and loving who’s not going to run away from your anxiety. Within this safe space, you can fall apart and learn how to put yourself back together again in a healthy way.” I pray everyday for God to make this an opportunity for healing… an opportunity to be picked apart from the inside out and to be put back together to become a healed, loving, and whole person.

Jessica - January 6, 2011 - 2:50 pm

I have been dealing with many of these feelings since my fiance and I got engaged last March. The overwhelming anxiety I felt nearly caused us to break up, and in the end we decided to postpone the wedding until I felt calm enough to proceed. During my struggle to deal with my anxiety (during which time my therapist, family, and friends kept telling me that if I had this much anxiety over everything, maybe my fiance wasn’t the one), I stumbled across your old site and message board, and ordered your book on Amazon. What soothing balms they have all been during the flare-ups of anxiety I’ve had in the last 10 months! My fiance and I did eventually set our wedding date and will be getting married this summer.

Just this morning something I read on another website caused my anxiety to spike. I came to this site to read this great post and am feeling better already. I had loving, involved parents, but had a hard time fitting in socially, and my fiance is the first man I’ve been in a relationship with as an adult. I’ve written before on your site that he had some things from his first marriage that I fixate on in my most anxious moments, but when I step back and think objectively about our relationship, there is nothing that should give me such alarm or intense fear. I am preparing myself for a bit of a roller coaster ride as our wedding date approaches, but at least now I feel prepared and able to address it without it consuming me.

seekingclarity - January 6, 2011 - 4:09 pm

Cori-I ask myself that same follow-up question…isn’t it amazing how twisted these fear beliefs can be? I read these posts and every word seems to ring true, then my fear somehow manages to warp things and I catch myself thinking “yea, but I had a great childhood, so it doesn’t really apply to me” or “yea, but I haven’t always struggled with anxiety, so maybe I am actually making a mistake”. Its frustrating.

I’m in a good place at the moment, and I know that my discomfort and anxious thoughts have nothing to do with my fiance. They are coming from within myself and only I can fix these issues. I’ve started reminding myself in my anxious moments of the times when I feel happy and excited about the wedding as a way to confront the fear. If I can have these moments of intense joy at the anticipation of it all, then, to me, it means I’m not making a mistake.

Kathryn - January 6, 2011 - 5:43 pm

You have no idea how much I look forward to reading your blogs, Sheryl. And to all the women who comment on this site- I don’t know you but think of you as a friend nonetheless. What you say sounds so familiar! How refreshing that other women are admittedly declaring their anxieties and relaying that “the one” isn’t as easy as we’ve been led to believe. I so badly think we should remind our daughters to chose a good man. To fall in love, but chose to stay in love based on his character and how well you meet each other’s needs. No one told me this growing up; instead I was inundated with romance movies, novels, and love stories. That you’ll “just know.”

I’m 28 and in the first REAL relationship of my life. I’ve had boyfriends, but this is the first time the possibility of ‘a long time’ presented itself. And though that’s what I was craving before he came into the picture, about 6 months into the relationship I came head to head with my demons! Big time. I’ve had anxiety my entire life, but it seemed that in this break-down EVERYTHING came out. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop analyzing, asking anyone and everyone what they thought of marriage, commitment, if they’ve ever been in love, etc. I needed answers and I needed them quick.

I’ve done alot of work on myself and the big breakdowns seem to be farther between. They still happen but slowly I’m learning the tools necessary to get me through and especially learning to not act in these heightened states.

I ask myself all the time “if I’m scared, does that mean it’s not right?’ It’s refreshing to know that other women go through this. I’m freaking terrified ladies, and I’m beginning to see that alot of it has to do with the fact that I”m totally out of my comfort zone. My pattern seems to be me loving the man more, me doing the chasing, the idealizing, the hoping he’ll come around. This time around it just sort of fell into place but I don’t know what to do with the easiness of it. Does that make sense? A relationship without chaos feels distrusting, as ironic as that sounds.

I’m still scared. Lots of times. But something deep down tells me to stick it out. Probably because he’s worth it. In the meantime, I’ll continue to read your posts and get help with my anxiety and obsessive thinking patterns.

Sheryl Paul - January 6, 2011 - 5:56 pm

Welcome, and I’m so glad you found your way here : )

Sarah - January 6, 2011 - 6:52 pm

Hi Kathryn. So much of what you said resonates with me. Especially the part where you said, “A relationship without chaos feels distrusting.” I can totally relate to that, and I think I’m pretty damn good at creating drama when it’s unnecessary. I think if I didn’t nit-pick all the time and create something for us to work on, our relationship would likely just work, or it would become amazingly clear that it’s not working and time to move on. But keeping with the chaos feels comfortable (in the most uncomfortable way, of course) and what I’m used to. I am constantly thinking that it’s time for me to just move on, but, like you, something deep down is telling me to stick it out.

I also had my first ENORMOUS breakdown just about 6 months into the relationship, and have ever since attributed the anxiety to him, even though I chose to stay with him, move in together, and it’s now been 6 years. Strange when I think about it. I’m just learning how to take back and own my anxiety rather than plaster it all over him. It’s amazing how when he’s not around I feel calm and at peace, and then when I see him it hits me all over again. I can’t stand that!

I can so much relate to everything you said. I wish you luck on this journey – it will get easier eventually!

magda - January 6, 2011 - 8:53 pm

It’s sometimes really hard to believe that the anxiety isn’t about my fiance, just because I’ve literally convinced myself that it’s about him. Funny thing that is happening though, I’m actually starting to know that it’s not about him, that I love him so much but my fear is now telling me that I’m just in denial about it. So there is literally something that fear works on just to convince you other wise. I have to reverse all these projections I made about him. See my fiance is a real charmer, beautiful blue eyes, has the cutest smile with dimples. I made myself believe that there is something physically wrong with him, literally everything, and through the eyes of fear, that’s exactly what happens.
I’ve been suffering for years with anxiety, have been in relationships before my fiance, where I hid them, to the point where I would exhaust myself, just because I was scared to tell anyone.
My fiance came along, we dated for six months, he proposed, and I became a wreck, but I did because I knew that he won’t go anywhere.
I felt empty before I met him and expected him to fill me up, and now going through this makes me think that he’s just not good enough. But he is more than I can ask for.
So everyday, I get the I don’t want to be with him or it’s not working or going to work, but when I turn it around from negative to a positive projection, even with the fear still sitting inside of me, I don’t want to be anywhere else but with him.
I’m still not myself, I actually don’t know who myself is right now, thanks to the liminal stage and I’m still so very scared almost to be happy again because I’m scared that it’s fake or I’m in denial, but I know that in some way he actually did save me, it just doesn’t feel that way. I can’t wait to deal and work through this, to finally after so many months feel my connection and love towards him.

Kathryn - January 7, 2011 - 1:47 am

Thanks Sarah for your kind thoughts. I feel like I have a pretty firm grasp on things right now, but I know me and I know it’ll come back. Anxiety seems to know where I live. Every now and then it knocks at my door. I’m sure you know the feeling :)

I too am guilty of labeling my boyfriend as the catalyst for anxiety, which is funny since he hasn’t done anything to make me feel this way. We’ve been together a little over a year and have mentioned moving in, the future, etc., but haven’t discussed it seriously. Like no one has demanded something of the other. Still, I was feeling anxious 6 months ago, declaring, “I don’t want to get married” “I’m not ready to give up my apartment” “I can’t take him on my journey cause what if I miss out on something.” I would totally go to extremes when nothing was happening to me to cause this. I’m just really good at creating and projecting! When I’m freaking out it helps to ask how I’m doing now- In this moment. I’d look around wherever I was and couldn’t find a boy on bended knee let alone anyone asking me to change my identity. Instead I just saw a dude that loved me lots and was willing to combat this stuff with me. What’s even funnier is though I’ll have so many doubts when the time comes, and thought I want to run often, I could still imagine me moving in with him. Go figure.

I swear us anxious folks really have to go day by day.

Can I ask everyone something? Do these questions come up for you – “Since I’m focusing on the positive so much, does that mean I’m talking myself into love?” Or my other favorite these days, “Since I’m doing so much work to commit, does that mean I’m settling?” These seem to be the questions that flash across my brain.

KD - January 7, 2011 - 7:08 am

Anxiety/terror are so debilitating. Ask anyone who has a phobia and they will tell you that while their fear may be irrational, it feels very real to them! This is the same instance, and it really distorts what you are thinking and what your true feelings are.

Kathryn, I think you bring up some really great questions. I guess, you also have to ask yourself the reverse of some of those questions, like, “am I NOT in love?”. Or maybe, what about YOU and what you bring to the relationship makes you feel like you are settling? I totally know what you mean though, when we’re lead to believe that once we reach engagement, it is smooth sailing from there.

I’ll share a little anecdote. The woman who owns the bridal boutique where I purchased the dress told me that she, in fact, had called off her wedding, twice, to her now husband (I guess third time was the charm!). She says she was just scared but still knew deep down that she loved this man and that he was good for her. By the third wedding prep, her parents were just like WHATEVER, but, finally she felt ready and she felt right despite all her previous reservations. Fifteen years and three kids later she feels so blessed that her husband stood by her in spite of her anxiety.

Lovebug - January 7, 2011 - 7:18 am

(This is Sarah). I’m constantly worrying that I’m settling. A huge thing for me is that we got together when I was so young and I’ve never (which is what I actually thinks contributes to the ambivalence so much) learned to take care of or responsibility for myself. Now that I’m working on doing that, things are shifting in the relationship and we as a unit are in a groundless state, not knowing what’s going to happen. The hardest part is to not talk about it constantly with him – cause that just gets really old and we both end up wanting to leave the relationship.

I’ve also thought about your first question, the focusing on the positive so much and worrying that I’m avoiding something important for me. We’re both trying to resign to the fact that we each need to work on ourselves and let happen what will happen with us as a couple. One of the reasons I postponed the wedding was because we were at what I thought was a pretty unhealthy state and I did not want to start a marriage on a weak foundation.

I think it’s definitely a choice what you focus on in the relationship. Yeah, there may be some annoying habits and irritations, and those can eventually be overlooked. I once read that happy couples have an almost idealized idea of their partner in their mind – meaning they think they’re better than they may actually be. Hope that helps. :)

Sarah - January 7, 2011 - 9:04 am

KD – I LOVE what you shared. Thanks so much for writing about that other woman. A book Sheryl recommended to me, When the Heart Waits, has been immensely helpful. One of the major reassurances I’ve gained from the book is that it’s okay and normal to want to be alone during a major transition. I am constantly forcing myself to be around my partner or act in a way I think I “should” vs. how I’m really feeling. I would highly recommend the book to anyone struggling with change and trying to make some sense of the internal shifts you may be experiencing. Great book.

KD - January 7, 2011 - 10:08 am

And Sarah, thank you again for sharing your POV and book recommendation. Our stories are similar in a lot of ways, so I do find it reassuring to have someone like you to share the experience with.

I think I am a person who is naturally self-reflective and who craves alone time. Again, reassuring that during transitions this is the case and even on a greater scale.

As much as the anxiety sucks (yes, sucks), I am grateful for all that I have gained (and let go of) from this experience.

KD - January 7, 2011 - 10:14 am

And, on a side note, the woman in that story was in her 30s when she got married and said, ‘[KD], I was no spring chicken!’ Anxiety can strike for many reasons and at any age.

Sarah - January 7, 2011 - 10:25 am

KD – I am also someone who craves alone time and always have. One of the things I learned about myself during this transition is that I’m most doubtful about the relationship when I’m neglecting myself in some way. That’s when the questions of leaving start showing up and get stronger, it’s when I look at him and blame him for everything wrong in my life. Recently my partner was out with some friends and didn’t come home when I thought he would. It really got me thinking about how much emphasis I put on him and what he’s doing with his life rather than turning the microscope around and focusing on me.

I am glad, too, that I have someone to share this experience with who can relate. I wish you all a peaceful weekend!

Kathryn - January 7, 2011 - 12:33 pm

KD – I like your advice about turning the questions around. I’ve NEVER thought to do that, and the very first responses when I did (just now) were good. When asking myself am I NOT in love with him, the instant response was no. As in no, that not the case. I definitely love him. And I don’t believe I’m settling. He’s a great guy. I honestly think feelings of settling come from the adventurous, free spirit in me. I wonder lust and imagine if something more is out there. I think that’s part of my personality, not part of our relationship. It’s my ego.

Admittedly, this stuff seems to come up every time our relationship morphs into another phase. This is my first real relationship and I’m learning that love goes through phases. We had a very romantic courtship and a “this is it” kind of beginning. Don’t tell my boyfriend, but it wasn’t some insane passionate love affair (he would like to think that I want to rip his clothes off every time I see him). It was just very sweet and very comfortable. Well, when the beginning wore off, the anxiety took over. It was almost as if I was disappointed that I wasn’t feeling something amazing everyday. Does that make sense? Like because I was missing that feeling, it would equate to “does that mean I’m not in love?” or “can someone else make me feel it?”

Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love and self-proclaimed commitment phobe) says that alot of what has happened in marriage in this society is that we hold our spouses up to crazy expectations – they’re supposed to be our best friend, our greatest sexual partner, our inspiration, and on top of all of that a really good man. It’s kind of absurd you know? It seems like a recipe for disappointment, and I myself have had to distinguish what are reasonable expectations and what’s just too much for anyone. Like expecting honesty and support everyday is reasonable, expecting him to intellectually stimulate and inspire me EVERYDAY is not. I have alot of work to do in this department. My boyfriend and I share alot of common interests and have really fun days, but when we’re just being a normal couple I start to go “should I feel this, or something more.” I hate that.

I liked your story about the woman who pushed back her wedding a few times and now look at where she is. Gives everyone hope. I swear, maybe sometimes you just take a giant leaps of faith and hope you’ll land on your feet. You’re never going to have all the answers. I guess you just decide if someone’s worth pushing forward.

Good luck ladies. I look forward to seeing you here :)

Cori - January 8, 2011 - 8:48 am

Can I just say how amazing it is to know that I am not alone in this? I am so thankful for all of your ladies’ willingness to share your stories and experiences. It is truly a lifesaver.

Kathryn- From what you have written, I feel that i have a lot in common with what you are feeling. I definitely have thoughts like the ones you mentioned – “since i am focusing on the positive so much does that mean i am talking myself into love?” “am i settling?” I wonder that a lot. I think KD has a good point, if you reverse those questions then I think we will have our answer. Another thing I struggle with then is, do I love him enough? I have been wondering lately though is there even any way to be quantatative about love? what does that question even mean? I remember there was a guy I dated who i liked A LOT. He was unpredictable, unwilling to commit, and I thought of him as a god. I think those are the reasons i liked him “so much”… it was more the rush of trying to get him to like me and trying to get him to commit and wondering when or if he was going to call… i was feeling lust rather than love or even like. I think those are the feelings that get us confused with what love should feel like. Until my relationship with my fiance, i only had relationships like the one i described above and i thought that was what love should feel like. I am in the process of learning what love really is, and I think it is a never ending learning process. Sheryl also recommended the book “the road less traveled” which talks a lot about this issue and is very helpful.

Also, the beginning with my fiance was very similar to yours. It was something of a whirlwind and every moment together was great. After that initial phase wore off, anxiety kicked in. “Why isnt it always butterflys? does that mean something is wrong?” I also feel like we always have to be doing something fun. If we are not laughing or interacting i get anxious. We also have our fun days and our great convos but its the ones inbetween that makes me anxious. I think this is our societies influence and the way that our society has totally screwed us up.

KD and Sarah – I also crave a lot of alone time. This is something that causes me anxiety. I start to wonder if since I want to be alone alot, it means that I dont love my fiance and maybe we shouldnt be together. Especially because he is not like that at all, he wants to be around me constantly. This is definitely something I need to work on. Something that scares me a lot about marriage is the fact that you are always going to be around this person, ALWAYS. It makes me have my what-if questions. “what if i dont get my alone time?” “what if we get sick of each other?” “what if we get bored of each other?” etc.

These are all things I am working on – i think the major part is accepting my relationship for what it is, for all of the twists and turns and bumps that come with it. Sometimes he gets on my nerves, sometimes it is boring, but then there are times that are amazing and times that remind me of why i want to marry him and they make all of the other times worth it.

Hope you are all having a great weekend!

Mirabai Galashan - January 9, 2011 - 1:55 pm

Great post – I quoted you on my blog posting about Alternative Bachelorette Parties – Cold Feet and Whipped Cream http://philadelphiaweddingofficiant.com/?p=611

londonlady - January 12, 2011 - 11:16 am

I just read through these posts and burst into floods of tears. I am ‘engaged to be engaged’ and am unable to sleep or eat, filled with overwhelming fear – no, terror – and utterly confused, scrutinising my partner to within an inch of his life and feeling completely alone DESPITE the fact that he listens, responds so kindly, holds me, tells me everything will be all right, tells me we can take things as slowly as I need… I feel as if I am going insane. The more I try to connect with him the more disconnected I feel, the more lonely… it’s horrendous. I have struggled with anxiety issue since my early teens. I’m glad I found this board and read this posts – it has helped ease some of the tension to know I’m not alone.

Kelley - January 17, 2011 - 7:48 am

To all of the women who posted here-thank you. I read each and every post, and cannot tell you how much they all helped. I am in my mid-twenties, and did not begin struggling with anxiety until a few years ago. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and up until two days ago have felt constantly happy and content with him and our life together. He is an amazing, amazing person. Loving, nice, fun, sweet, and a jokester like myself. After our second date I said to my mom, “He’s the one”, and I meant it (especially after being in two other serious relationships).

So, when my overhwhelimg anxiety surfaced out of the blue two days ago, I did exactly what most of you said you did-pushed it off onto our relationship with thoughts of, maybe he’s not the right one, why am I feeling like this, is it just not exciting anymore and why is that, etc. Why can’t I feel anything right now, and why can’t I sleep or eat, is it because I don’t want to be with him? However, when I thought of breaking it off with him, my immediate reaction was no, I am in love with him and cannot imagine my life without him. After reading everything here, I do not feel alone or scared anymore. I know I can share everything with him because he loves me completely and has been wonderful the past two days.

I am going through a lot of personal transitions now in my life right now and am scared of the future, how my life is going to go, and, like a lot of you, crave alone time. As a side note, my parents are divorced and the thought of that happening to me is unbearable-especially with him. All of these factors are things that I will need to work on and know they are heavy contributers to the anxiety I have right now. I also think that, like others have said, things cannot be exciting day in and day out, and I have some unrealistic expectations for my boyfriend that I need to work on. I know that I want to be with him and know that in order for that to work, I need to work on myself and accept his help.

Again, I cannot thank you all enough for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You saved me this morning! And Sheryl, thank you-this blog wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Good luck everyone!

KP - February 11, 2011 - 2:00 pm

Hello Everyone,
I have been dealing with engagement anxiety for the past few months it started a few days after my fiancé and I got engaged. We have been together almost four years, and he is such a wonderful, kindhearted, loving man, who I know would make a great father and husband. I went to see a councilor about it and from Sept-Dec my anxiety would have good and bad days. By the end of Dec my anxiety went away and I was so in love with my fiancé again and looking forward to planning our wedding. That is until a week ago, when I was speaking to a co-worker about getting married. She expressed her feelings about marriage (they were not positive) and how she loved her freedom to date any man she wanted. While I do not want any other man I began to have anxious thoughts, what if I am missing out on other things I may otherwise not get to experience when I am married. Also thoughts about planning the wedding kept me up all night and began stressing me out. These first few anxious thoughts caused a cascading effect, causing the “what if’s” to occur. (What if I regret getting married, what if he cheats on me, etc, etc). This whole week I have felt disconnected from him and it tears me apart, I do not want to feel this way! I know what I have is amazing and I am afraid to lose the best man I have ever had because of my fear. I am afraid my fear will totally disconnect me from him and make me stop loving him. This terrifies me! I went to see my councilor this week and she reminded me of the things I can do to deal with the “what if’s”. However I am still dealing with the fear that this disconnection means I am falling out of love with him, (as I write this I am crying my eyes out). I am afraid if this doesn’t go away I will lose him because I have stopped loving him. I feel like I have no control over this.

Janelle - February 12, 2011 - 2:55 pm

KP- Everything you’re are writing all of us “conscious brides” have thought about- absolutely normal! I would strongly encourage you to look into the e-course. We have a board running with lots of engaged and married people!

Sheryl Paul - February 15, 2011 - 6:59 am

Yes, I second Janelle’s suggestion to check out the E-Course. Everything you’re describing is normal, and one of the most helpful measures for dealing with the fear is connecting to a community of wise, compassionate, like-minded women – which you will find in the password-protected E-Course Forum. Working with the fear-mind requires every tool in the toolbox. It sounds like you have a good awareness but lack some of the tools that could push this through.