Category Archives: Dying/Death

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Say Yes To Life

Posted in Anxiety, Dying/Death, Wedding/marriage transition

If you want to illuminate a person’s true colors, especially their relationship to control, put them in a room with kids. Someone can talk a good talk, but when they’re asked to communicate with kids, their true colors emerge and they either turn tight and rigid or they flow with the energy like someone practicing Aikido. Most people I meet fall into the former category, but when I meet someone in the latter I study them with awe and appreciation.

The person who shines most prominently in my mind is my friend, Lisa, who is more like a long-lost sister blessedly found along the shared path of raising kids. When I first met Lisa and I watched her interact with my son, Everest, I was struck by her ability to meet and follow his energy while simultaneously setting appropriate boundaries. I remember saying to her, “You have this amazing ability… Click here to continue reading…

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Jen - May 3, 2012 - 1:56 pm

Hey. What a wonderful post especially because today I’m not really feeling all that positive. I would like to run from this as I usually have done in the past but I really don’t want to any longer. I would like to learn how to take the moment in and be still with it. I’m a over thinker so I hope I can eventually be still oneday soon.

Blm5126 - May 3, 2012 - 2:37 pm

Sheryl- I love the opening to the article especially. Last summer some of my extended family came to visit with young children. My fiance was so incredibly patient with my (what I would call) hyperactive, demanding, and in need of discipline young cousins. He was so patient with them and my parent’s dog (a yellow lab puppy) that I had to sit back in awe and watch him as he held his ground with the kids by applying some light discipline but they still had fun and learned from him. I could not believe how good he was with kids and conversely, I could not believe how impatient I was! It really speaks to his character and his strength- he takes life as it comes, occasionally finding himself gripping for control, but usually quickly able to reorient himself to understanding that life comes as it comes. His patience is one of those qualities I both admire and find myself jealous of and a quality of his that I will hold onto for comfort as I am going through my own spiritual growth.

Sheryl Paul - May 3, 2012 - 7:32 pm

What a lovely story, Blm, and a testament to your wonderful guy ; ).

Sheryl Paul - May 3, 2012 - 7:34 pm

Jen: Your desire to changing your habitual conditioning of responding to thoughts and feelings is what will allow you to do so. It takes time, patience, and commitment, but it’s when you feel fed up with the way you’ve been reacting that you find these resources to make change.

Carly - May 3, 2012 - 9:17 pm

Once again, Sheryl, thank you for the beautiful post. I can’t believe sometimes how surrounded I am by reminders, such as your post, of the wisdom that we need to not push away our uncomfortable feelings, and how little I find myself putting it into practice when the moment presents itself. Everything I have read this past year has reinforced this message – I believe it, I internalise it, and then I completely ignore it when tested. This morning I awoke in the grip of fear and irritation. My wedding is in 1 week, and I awoke in the full flood of doubt and fear. And then I judged myself bitterly for not being rid of these feelings yet – for not having better control of my life!! And of course the spiral continued. I felt hopeless, messed up, wrong… I didn’t want to get up etc. And now, I read your post, and the passage from Pema Chodron’s book (which I only finished reading recently), and I can see that this morning was an opportunity to move into the feelings of fear and doubt and irritation and let them convert. Thank you for the reminder. I will pray that I remember it the next time these ‘unwanted’ feelings hit me. Just one question: what is you wisdom on what we do with judgment? Judgment is different from unwanted feelings, and moving into it doesn’t seem the best approach?

Sheryl Paul - May 4, 2012 - 7:45 am

Great question about judgment, Carly. Yes, it’s not an emotion but it is a thought that says, “You shouldn’t be feeling this way. You should be over this by now,” and the work is to notice the thought but not believe it. Once you notice the thought you can ask, “Is that true? How does it feel to believe that thought?” (it will always feel terrible, of course, and lead to anxiety) and then see if you can bring in the truth to replace this false belief. You definitely don’t want to move into the judgment! But you do want to notice it and then try to shift into compassion, which is another way of saying to make space for whatever you’re feeling.

Sarah - May 4, 2012 - 7:56 am

This post illustrates a good lesson I learned this weekend from my five year old niece. My father-in-law (her grandpa) passed away this past December. This past weekend My husband and I were visiting his mom and the nieces happened to be there too. We were sitting in the hot tub where I was teaching Laura to back float. Her younger sister suddenly asked where the kitty was. Well, it turned out he had died the past week and their grandma told them this. Immediately Laura burst into tears. She sobbed for a full two minutes telling her grandma that she was sad about the kitty, and grandpa and her fish dying. Her grandma held her, told her it was ok to feel sad…she felt sad about grandpa and the kitty too. Then after a few minutes Laura stood up, came back over to me and said, “I’m going to dry my tears now. Will you help me float again?” She proceeded to float for the longest time up to that point.

It was striking to see how clearly this illustrated the things you talk about on this website. And challenged me a good deal to see how moving towards a big feeling is such a healing thing. Whether five or fifty. I love how you point out that growth doesn’t mean elimination of these hard feelings, but rather changing our reaction to them. Something I always need to hear repeated and emphasized!

Sharanjit - May 5, 2012 - 10:15 am

Thank you for sharing such wonderful thoughts, I agree with you on saying yes to life and accepting as it is, I’ve been trying to do this and your story is a big support, bless your heart!

KK - May 10, 2012 - 12:18 am

I would have never thought about transitions this much before but today it really hit hard for me. Tonight is the last night that I am staying in the dorm room that I have called home for the past 3 years. I thought I would be so excited to get out and get my own apartment, and I was up until I had to start packing up my stuff. I started reminiscing about everything that has happened to me in the past 3 years and all of the people I have met and all of the experiences I’ve had. I had my wonderful boyfriend help me pack away my things, and even he felt sad that all of our memories from my dorm has to end. My boyfriend is so understanding and loving. When I broke down crying, he asked why I was so sad and all I had to do was say that I am scared to let go of something that I’ve had for 3 years and am scared of going into an apartment on my own. I started to doubt whether I should actually be moving out or not. He comforted me saying that we will always remember the good times we’ve had in the dorm but it is time to make new memories in my apartment. He reassured me that it’s okay to be feeling this sad because I am going through another one of life’s big changes, even though I kept saying it is silly to be sad over a dorm. So here I am spending the last night in a place that I’ve called home for 3 years and I am going to feel sad and grief for leaving this place, but I am saying yes to moving on to something new because after all that’s what I originally wanted anyway!

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Architecture of Anxiety and Intrusive Thoughts

Posted in Anxiety, Dying/Death, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

Many of my clients suffer from the hell-realm of intrusive or unwanted thoughts. Thoughts like, “What if I’m a pedophile?” or “What if I’m a mass murderer?” or “What if I contract a deadly disease?” or “What if I don’t love my partner enough (or at all)?” parade through their brains day and night without reprieve creating a state of perpetual misery. The irony about people who are prone to intrusive thoughts such as these is that they’re among the most gentle, loving, sensitive, kind, creative, and thoughtful people you’ll ever meet. The thought is so far from reality that it’s almost laughable, except that it’s not funny at all because my clients believe the lie which, of course, creates massive amount of anxiety.

Or maybe it’s not ironic at all. Perhaps it’s precisely because of this high level of sensitivity and empathy that their mind has gravitated toward an… Click here to continue reading…

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Liliana - April 17, 2012 - 12:25 am

Hey there Sheryl

I recently stumbled upon your blog and it has helped me a lot though I feel like maybe I might not relate since I am nowhere near engaged but I was hoping you would be able to somehow help me in some way .. A couple of months ago I met a man and at first I saw him as a friend but overtime I realized that he was honestly amazing so we took the next step and began a relationship a month after being in the relationship I started getting anxiety attacks. That maybe I did not like him or that I should run away, but I have stayed because this man is sweet, loving and has all the qualities that I would like in my future husband. When I think about marrying him I get happy, but I am scared that I might run away from this, and I honestly do not want that. When my anxiety spikes and tells me that I should leave, I say to it “no, I want to be with him.” I feel as if my heart is guarding itself. I have gone through heartbreaks, my parents are not really the happiest couple, and through a childhood trauma. When my anxiety is really high I think to myself that maybe leaving is for the best, but that’s not what I want. What I want is to be fully happy with him and love him without having these constant thoughts.

StephanieG - April 17, 2012 - 1:51 pm

Hi Liliana,
Just saw your comment. You should join the e-course! I am not engaged yet either but going through the same anxiety you described and it set in VERY early into the relationship. There are hundreds of us on the e-course and forum.

SB - April 22, 2012 - 8:55 pm

I found this poem and thought of this wonderful website. It is written by Robert T. Weston.

Cherish your doubts, for doubt is the handmaiden of truth.
Doubt is the key to the door of knowledge; it is the servant of discovery.
A belief which may not be questioned binds us to error,
for there is incompleteness and imperfection in every belief.
Doubt is the touchstone of truth; it is an acid which eats away the false.
Let no man fear for the truth, that doubt may consume it;
for doubt is a testing of belief.
The truth stands boldly and unafraid; it is not shaken by the testing;
For truth, if it be truth, arises from each testing stronger, more secure.
He that would silence doubt is filled with fear;
the house of his spirit is built on shifting sands.
But he that fears no doubt, and knows its use, is founded on a rock.
He shall walk in the light of growing knowledge;
the work of his hands shall endure.
Therefore let us not fear doubt, but let us rejoice in its help:
It is to the wise as a staff to the blind; doubt is the handmaiden of truth.

Sheryl Paul - April 22, 2012 - 9:46 pm

I LOVE this, SB. What a refreshing alternative to the widespread “doubt versus don’t” mantra touted by this culture (and which I’ll be posting about this week). Thank you very much for sharing this here.

melanie - May 11, 2012 - 3:43 pm

I just wanted to add my 2p worth! There is a lot about ‘when you are peaceful and calm, that is when a voice of knowing and not fear speaks to you’ etc and specifically ‘that is when you find the pearl’. I just wanted to say that i had been with my boyf for 7 years, very committed, very serious, then as i graduated uni and we were due to buy a house (not imminently, but in the next 18-24 months) i started a new job and just got hit by total anxiety. Not about leaving uni, or getting a new job (truly, i couldnt wait to leave uni – hadnt lived there – and was very excited about having a new job and money) but specifically about whether he was the right one for me or not. I hadn’t had anxiety like that ever, i couldnt breathe, felt dizzy etc. when i was with him and we were ‘hanging out’ i felt OK but doubts still very much there. After trying to have a break and then breaking up and getting back together, i found that in moments of true calm such as being in the bath at mine, on my own, or lying in bed at night on my own, the answer which calmed me was not to be with him even though the thought of being on my own genuinely terrfied me. And, 8 months down the line, was it the ‘right’ decision? Who knows. I don’t believe I will love anyone else like i loved him, and im certainly not currently interested or looking for anything. However – from the moment i called it off i have been able to breather and generally function. I suppose people might say i will get the same thing with who i am next with – and maybe i will. My parents got divorced young so i know i crave security – however i pushed through the fear. I’m not writing this to get people’s anxiety levels up – but just to offer the thought that if you consistently, in a place of calm, feel that its not right, perhaps you should listen to that.

Sheryl Paul - May 11, 2012 - 4:12 pm

Thanks for sharing your story. I have no doubt that it will spike a lot of anxiety from my audience, but I decided to approve your comment anyway so we could engage in some dialogue, if you’re willing! The question for me is whether you did, indeed, push through the fear, or if you ended up listening to the fear and left a good, loving relationship because your commitment and intimacy issues were triggered. Fear’s entire mission in life is try to convince you to run, so an alternate analysis of what happened for you is that once you left (thereby listening to fear), you could breathe and function because the fear of intimacy was removed. Were there any red flags in the relationship? When you say “it wasn’t right”, what exactly wasn’t right about the relationship (other than your anxiety)?

Bill - May 14, 2012 - 1:34 pm

Do the feelings of “What if I dont love them” and hiding and burying those feelings mean that we dont love them or just our anxiety speaking up and trying to mess with our thoughts?

Sheryl Paul - May 14, 2012 - 4:00 pm

If the relationship is loving and you’re with a solid, good partner, then that thought is most likely a cover-up for deeper fears.

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 7:13 am

Could the deeper fear be growing up with a sibiling that has a terminal illness?

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 7:14 am

Could%20the%20deeper%20fear%20be%20growing%20up%20with%20a%20sibiling%20that%20has%20a%20terminal%20illness%3F

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 9:00 am

Yes, that would connect to a fear of loss, and probably ambivalent feelings if your sibling received more attention because of the illness.

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 9:36 am

Makes sense. She has been in and out of the hospital our entire lifes and it definetly was a huge strain on our family. Your site has been a god send for me because I was really struggling with the “What if I dont love her” stuff and I still am but on a smaller scale. Im getting married in 10 days and Im on the right track. Once the honeymoon is over with I plan on getting into the E-Course stuff. Thanks for your response.

ScottishBride - May 15, 2012 - 9:45 am

I just want to chime in here and say I did not spike at Melanie’s comment and I hope others don’t either.

Melanie – I understand where you are coming from. I had a previous relationship where I had 2 bouts of anxiety but also a deep sense of knowing it had no future. The deep sense of knowing was very different from the anxiety. When I compare that to the recent engagement hell I have been through, well… it is very different. With my now husband, I had a deep sense of knowing it was RIGHT until we got engaged. Then I had every emotion from it being right, to wrong, to confusing, scary, crazy, miserable. There is a very clear distinction in my mind between the two relationships.

This work is NOT about convincing ourselves to stay in relationships for the sake of it. It is about finding out about ourselves and our views on life and love. I had horrendous anxiety when I got engaged but I worked through it and I am very happily married. I may well see that anxiety come back again tomorrow, next week, next month. If I do, I’ll take a deep breath and I’ll deal with it. Right now I know that I am where I am supposed to be. With my wonderful man. And THAT is my sense of knowing. It took a lot of work to get to this point.

Melanie – you are right to point out that at times the “right” thing to do is leave. The bottom line is that we all have a choice in this. We can choose to stay and we can choose to go. Sometimes the relationship is not “right” for us and in that situation maybe we should move on (but I would encourage anyone doubting their relationship to please only make that decision from a place of consistent peace and clarity).

Sometimes the fear is just too big to cope with. Unfortunately in those situations, we may well find ourselves moving on without really knowing why or what happened. It makes me sad typing that but I acknowledge that this can happen. In some ways this happened to me with my ex. The anxiety freaked me out and pushed me away from him. Luckily, there were also red flags/deep sense of knowing so it is perhaps not a bad thing that my anxiety contributed towards the demise of an unhappy relationship. However, with my husband when the anxiety hit after I got engaged it was even stronger because there were no red flags or deep sense of knowing it was wrong. I was completely at a loss to what was raging inside of me. I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t run this time (despite wanting to). I had to sit with it and work through it.

When you are ready to date again I wish you all the best! Whatever happens, please remember that IF you feel the anxiety coming back on Date 1, or Date 900, you know where we all are. It can be fixed (with a lot of work and courage!). Indeed for me, it took the anxiety coming back a second time with a different person (where I had no red flag or deep calm sense of knowing to pin it on) for me to realise that this was not about my other half, but something deeply rooted inside of me.

Janelle - May 15, 2012 - 7:14 pm

SB- I always love your posts : ) I will say that I got a little bit spiked by it though- and don’t worry…I’m okay with that :) One of the lines that spiked me was: “With my now husband, I had a deep sense of knowing it was RIGHT until we got engaged. Then I had every emotion from it being right, to wrong, to confusing, scary, crazy, miserable.”

For those of you who are reading this, I’m also a conscious married and I’ve been married for about 2 years : ) SB and I are buddies on the forum, lol : ) The reason why that spiked me was because I’m not sure if I ever had that deep sense of knowing. For God sakes, the week before my husband proposed, I said to myself “if he says one more ‘mean thing’ to me, I’m breaking up with him”. Little did I know, he had already brought my ring and would be proposing one week later on vacation with my family, lol! Now, I definitely thought throughout our 7 years of dating that we’d get married- but I thought that about every guy I was ever with. Even the guy that beat me up in high school : ( My husband was the opposite of any guy I had ever dated though. I remember in college, my friends would all talk about how they were going to marry their boyfriends, but I would never say it. I remember thinking, ‘if I start telling people we’ll get married one day, then I’ll jinx it, and I don’t want to do that.’ I guess, I was just always cautious of “oh god, I don’t ever want to loose him”. I’m not sure that it’s possible for me to have a ‘complete knowing’ that it’s right. But, I also don’t have any knowing that it’s wrong. I’d say it’s about 90-95% good overall and that’s just on my ‘blah’ day today. I believe Sheryl or someone said “shoot for 80%”. I can go from feeling 90-95% in the morning to 45% in the afternoon to 82.5% (lol) at bedtime. I had to get use to those fluctuations in my mood for a while. For me, I ‘know’ I made a good choice (on most days I feel that way). However, somedays I am moody and I just want to hide in a hole.

My husband and I are great of each other. We respect, love, encourage, and are always there for each other. Yes, we drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day (and throughout everyday), we choose each other, we choose be together, for better or worse we have each other’s best interest at heart and each other’s backs : ) We don’t choose each other based on our feelings, we choose each other based on the commitment we made and I plan on choosing him for the rest of my life <3

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 8:38 pm

Janelle: It sounds like you soothed your own spike. Great job showing up with your Loving Adult and modeling it for everyone here : ).

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 9:02 pm

And Janelle, if more people admitted this, we would see a lot less relationship/marriage anxiety:

“I can go from feeling 90-95% in the morning to 45% in the afternoon to 82.5% (lol) at bedtime. I had to get use to those fluctuations in my mood for a while.”

Thank you, as always, for your honesty.

Scottish Bride - May 16, 2012 - 9:25 am

Hi Janelle :-) When I look back at my “deep sense of knowing” it was actually based on very superficial feelings. I suppose it was more infatuation and desperately wanting to tie myself to him forever because I wanted that feeling to last forever. We hadn’t been together that long so we were still riding on that “in love” wave.

I think maybe the biggest reason for my engagement anxiety was that it came at the turning point of my relationship – when it went from “in” love to “real” love. I stopped having the “infatuation” feelings so I didnt know if I did want to marry him because all I’d associated marriage with up until that point was getting to feel that infatuation forever!! I had never even considered such concepts as “shared values, shared goals, friendship” etc. Can you believe that?! Wow just goes to show how naive I was.

Now that I know what real love feels like, I can say exactly the same as you. I have days/hours/minutes of contentment/knowing its a great marriage and i also have days/hours/minutes of: what am I doing, can I do this, am I ok, this feels weird and wrong.

Basically one of the biggest lessons for me has been re-programming myself to see what love actually is and to see the benefits that real love brings. It took me a long time to see that but now that I am, it’s very rewarding and worth all this pain!

Janelle - May 17, 2012 - 2:44 pm

Hey SB : ) I dated my husband for 7 years before our engagement. Once we got married I still had to do major work in the love department. I’m still doing major work about my ‘idea’ of love. I don’t think it’s crazy that you didn’t consider those grown up things like shared values, goals, friendship,etc. I think that the only shared value that I really considered was that we both wanted a family and wanted our family to be raised the same way. If I’m honest with myself (and probably lots of women are like this) I was so in love with the idea of being in love. I don’t think that this is a ‘bad’ thing now, however, I’m def. learning a lot now. I really think that it takes getting married to learn about real love. I use to try and ‘change’ things about my husband. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to change things about him. That’s not right, it’s not fair to him or to me. Marriage has really allowed me to take a really good look at him (good and bad parts) and completely love him for all of it. Does it drive me crazy if he says a rude comment? Yes, for sure, but I’m not trying to change that about him anymore. I now look at what he really means behind the rude comment, most of the time, he doesn’t even realize he’s being rude. For example, when we are with my in-laws nothing he does ever bothers me. However, he is the same person around my family, he’ll say the same thing, and I flip out…pretty interesting : ) Sorry for the babble….hope someone can take something from this : )

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Interview with Rabbi Tirzah Firestone

Posted in Dying/Death, Interviews, Transitions - General

I was honored and delighted to interview Rabbi Tirzah Firestone on her perspective on transitions. Rabbi Firestone is my rabbi, my mentor, and a continual source of inspiration and guidance to thousands of people around the world. We talked about transitions of every kind, from the beginning and ending of a day to the tragedy of losing a loved one to our planetary transition. Her words are infused with hope, wisdom and love, and the interview left me with a big smile throughout my body.

Click the Play button to listen to this 30 minute interview now:

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Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, M.A. is an author, psychotherapist, and founding rabbi of Congregation Nevei Kodesh in Boulder, Colorado. Widely known for her groundbreaking work on Kabbalah and depth psychology and… Click here to continue reading…

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Grieving as Letting Go

Posted in Dying/Death, Transitions - General

At the heart of transitioning consciously is the willingness to grieve. Sometimes grief arises unbidden as a pang of emptiness; sometimes it wells up in a bubble of memory about a former house; sometimes it appears as a longing for a past experience or stage of life; sometimes it comes barreling into the psyche on tidal wave of sorrow for a deceased relative or an estranged friendship. It can be attached to a memory or it can appear “out of the blue” without a specific content or story riding in its waters.

However it appears, it’s important to give it time and attention so that it doesn’t become stuck inside and ferment into depression. Clients will often say to me, “You talk about grieving, but what does that actually mean?” It means, simply, letting yourself feel your sadness. It doesn’t always mean that you crumble into a heap of tears,… Click here to continue reading…

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Lovebug - February 3, 2011 - 4:22 pm

Sheryl, I love this. I’m not exactly sure why – perhaps it just reminded me how good it feels to actively grieve. I guess in a way I feel happy to grieve, knowing the release I feel after a good cry. And I can usually tell when I’m grieving, when it’s to the bone and a full body experience. I can attest to the benefits of giving in to the emotion, of letting them take over my body, and how, layer after layer, I’m getting closer to arriving at my truth.

Amy - February 3, 2011 - 6:08 pm

Sheryl & Guests – While I am thinking of a few past loves what really hits me is a past job that I was let go from….I went through all of these stages. After all of that, I have never felt better! I have a 10 year old son that I have much more time to spend with and I am happily working at a great place. The positive energy can and does return. Thanks for the encouragement:)

Charisse - February 7, 2011 - 4:38 pm

Sheryl – my sister (and bestfriend) recently moved from California (where she lived down the street from me) to Texas, and it was a very, very hard transition for me. From the day that I found out she was moving until the day she drove away, I thought about you so much and how you say to grieve everything when it comes upon you and to not be scared of the grief – so I did – I cried on my drive to work, while blow drying my hair, while cooking dinner – wherever the grief hit me, I gave in to it – and I really do think it helped me to be ready to let her go when she left. I can’t say it enough, I’m so thankful for all of your words!

Sheryl Paul - February 7, 2011 - 6:57 pm

Thank you, all, for your beautiful comments. Charisse, I love what you wrote here. Grieving is hard in the abstract but when you really let it in, it’s not as bad as we think. And you did the right work for preparing for her departure, which does, indeed, make it easier to let go. Bravo!

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Fear of Aging

Posted in Dying/Death, Empty Nest, Retirement/Grandparent

During my search for new recipes for my little vegetarian son (who declared he was a vegetarian about nine months ago; you can read about it here), I stumbled upon a beautiful and inspiring book called, Healthy at 100, by John Robbins (author of Diet for a New America). As my current life affords scant time for the luxury of reading, the book sat around the house in a variety of locations for a couple of weeks. But a few days ago something urged me toward the book, and even though work and kids called as always, I picked it up and started to read.

There are some books that draw you in from page one. They speak to an inner place of struggle or inquiry, loss or longing. The author manages to write the words that you didn’t know how to speak, thereby naming your experience and… Click here to continue reading…

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Pilar - January 25, 2011 - 2:24 am

As usual, your text connects with something crucial I am going through. I am going to turn 45 next month and I was precisely thinking about how we women feel more the pressure to remain young. I was angry about opposing the passing of time. I love getting older! Every year in my life has been better than the former one, because I have gained wisdom, serenity, peace, respect for myself. I have learnt to accept my body and myself more and more. I have learnt to be happier over time and I expect to experience the same over and over…just if I am able to ignore the predominant social discurse about ageing (specially for female ageing). Thank you for raising this topic.

Sheryl Paul - January 25, 2011 - 10:54 am

Yes, Pilar, Robbins talks specifically about how the fear of aging affects women. It’s primarily women that undergo vast amounts of plastic surgery (do men ever get a facelift) and the images of women trying to stay young and avoid aging are everywhere. Thanks for sharing your experience and helping to raise the consciousness about this important topic.

Nina - January 25, 2011 - 8:25 pm

great post. I have been thinking of this lately. I’ve been collecting quotes and my thoughts to put into pictures and I recently thought (not new but it really struck me) “I decide my happiness” and then today I read this post – http://www.happierkidsnow.com/blog/parenting/do-you-believe-parenting-is-difficult/#more-425 and it reinforced my thinking. I’m also reading positive parenting and that really reinforces it too…great mindset change…says she who just dyed her grays away last night ;)

Helen - January 28, 2011 - 10:26 pm

I too have been thinking about this alot. My son turned 5, I turned 31 and my Grandmother being firmly in her 80s and far away from me has all bought aging into the forefront of my mind. It is something I really worry about and something that is really challenging me. Thankyou for this.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 11:04 am

From Proverbs: “The glory of young men is their strength, but the SPLENDOR of old men is their gray hair.”

Splendor! Think about that for a moment. :)

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:08 am

LOVE IT!

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:09 am

But notice that it’s the splendor of MEN. For men, gray hair is considered distinguished and handsome, but there’s still so much stigma and judgement about women’s gray hair.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 12:11 pm

True, Sheryl, but I took the proverb to be applicable to both, as there are other proverbs that praise gray hair in general. I don’t think the ancients had the anxieties about it that we do.

I’ll never forget meeting a Chinese man years ago, an exchange teacher at my school, who said he couldn’t wait to be called “Old Pan” (his last name being “Pan”). Such a radically different view of aging in Asian culture.

Joy - February 28, 2011 - 12:00 am

As a child I was fortunate enough to have my great-grandparents as well as my grandparents available to me. One of my great- grandmothers lived within walking distance and I made that walk frequently. It may have been because my father was a Native American that the respect and admiration for the elderly was instilled in me but whatever the reason, I remember feeling that I could learn from these people. I spent many hours just hanging out with my great-grandmother listening to her stories and learning some basic cooking and household skills along the way. I never felt bored with her company, or many of the other elderly people in my family or my extended ‘family’. I still had plenty of time to play with my friends, do other things and spend time by myself.

All through my life I have listened to, and learned from, older people. Some of them ‘talk through their hats’ so to speak, but many have gained wisdom over the years and are definitely worth listening to. (Just because you are old does not mean instant wisdom. If you never really matured mentally, and I think some people don’t, then you aren’t going to magically change in old age.)

Now I am an elder at 63 and counting. I am sad at the state of our society (mostly brought about by advertising and a lack of parents instilling respect in their kids). Spending time with Grandma or Grandpa just to hang out is not too popular these days.

People themselves fall into the trap of being ‘old’. Just go to any high school reunion after you’re 40 or so and look around. Some people have hardly changed and others look like they have fast forwarded to 80. What’s the difference? Talk to them and you’ll know right away. The younger looking ones relish life and the older looking ones have practically given it up! They think they are ‘supposed’ to look and act the way they do. They are ‘supposed’ to have all kinds of aches and pains and ailments and they are looking forward to more and more serious ones!

I’m a ‘boomer’ and we are changing the idea of when it is you get ‘old’. All well and good, but it would be nice to add some respect for age in there too. I have lived through the extended family as a norm and the break up of that through corporate moves. The lesson there is that extended family worked far better for everyone. I’m sure those Russians are not living in isolation from the younger generations of their families.

Point being, I guess, is that it was society that changed and it can change again. It’s up to us, the adults, to do that. It only takes learning from the elders and then instilling that in our kids. How do YOU want to be treated when you are an elder? Think about it, picture yourself there and then get going. Start valuing your own elders and teaching your children to also. Then YOU might get some respect in your old age!

Sheryl Paul - March 1, 2011 - 6:47 am

How blessed you were to grow up with your great-grandmother within walking distance! There’s no doubt that affected your positive view of elders.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Favorite Quote

Posted in Dying/Death, Transitions - General

I love Elizabeth Berg’s novels. She’s my go-to writer for books that allow me to escape into someone else’s life while offering insight and meaning. It occurred to me some years ago that the reason I love her books so much is that she almost always tackles the topics of life transitions and loss. She’s not afraid to talk about literal death and death in everyday life. She begins one of her latest novels, Home Safe (about an older woman’s grieving process in the aftermath of her husband’s death), with the following description:

One Saturday when she was nine years old, Helen Ames went into the basement, sat at the card table her mother used for folding laundry, and began writing. She wrote about the flimsy heads of dandelions gone to seed, about the voices of her parents drifting from their bedroom at night, about the nest of… Click here to continue reading…

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Nina - January 21, 2011 - 6:51 pm

that is beautiful. I find journaling helps me sooo soo much.

so…would you recommend that book for people who have lost someone? my neighbor just lost her husband and said she feels a little lost herself and I’m not sure how to help. and my stepfa is dying and my mother is just counting down the time but says she won’t know what to do once he dies (he’s been chronically ill for years)…

Sheryl Paul - January 22, 2011 - 6:02 pm

I haven’t read enough of it to say for sure, but knowing Elizabeth Berg’s books I would venture to say yes!

Amy - January 23, 2011 - 2:02 pm

Thanks Sheryl. I lost my Mom in 2008 and ours was a complicated relationship. I have written letters to her and I have written about her. For me she is “clearer” now as the whole woman she was, not just as my mother. And this has allowed me to love her more and to move forward. It has allowed me to love my Dad more too and to fully appreciate him now, in life, as so much more than just my Dad. Transitions, and being in them, are so important. Thank you for the thought stimulation. ~Amy

Sheryl Paul - January 23, 2011 - 2:07 pm

Thank you, Amy. I think the mother-daughter relationship is almost always complicated – and sometimes the clarity and healing comes after the loss. It sounds like you’ve done great work around it which has allowed you to move the transition to completion and bring healing to your other significant relationships – which is often a little-known gift of processing transitions consciously!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Birth and Death

Posted in Dying/Death, Holidays/Holy Days/Seasons, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

As I soaked in a hot bubble bath at the end of a thoroughly joyous birthday, I noticed that an orange autumn leaf had somehow followed me into the room, and I thought, “It’s impossible to reflect on one’s birth without also thinking about death.” The birth/death cycle is at the core of understanding transitions, and one of the boons of approaching transitions with consciousness is that, with each spiral of letting go, we have an opportunity to become more comfortable with death.

The truth is that everyone, if they’re honest, has some fear of death. It’s the niggling thought that presses on the edges of the mind at the day’s end; it’s the blaring thought that creates fear in the middle of the night. It’s the fear of change. It’s the resistance to growth. It’s stagnating on what’s comfortable and familiar because change involves letting go and letting go… Click here to continue reading…

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Posted in Dying/Death, Holidays/Holy Days/Seasons, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

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k8et - November 10, 2010 - 11:59 am

Hi! I found your blog through the article on A Practical Wedding! I am thrilled to see and hear advice for life transitions – I got married on October 1, and while marriage is absolutely wonderful, I’ve been surprised to have the let-down after the wedding and honeymoon ended that many others have talked about. Making it worse, this week my husband took a new project on which will have him 2 hours away, and he’ll be staying in a hotel 4 nights a week (3 once he gets remote access and can work from home Fridays!)

My mind knows that we can get through this (it’s short term/several months, he can always drive home one night during the week if I ask, there’s possibilities for relocating or doing more work from home, etc.) but my heart has been heavy with separating so soon.

And then part of me grieves/worries because for a long time before we met, I lived alone and was VERY independent. I worry about whether we are too co-dependent, and maybe this is a good thing… I don’t know. I do know, that finding your blog is fortuitous timing, and I am very grateful for it. Thank you for letting me pour my thoughts out :D

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mocha Died… Again

Posted in Dying/Death, Parenthood transitions, Transitions - General

Oh boy. We came downstairs yesterday morning and Everest went to feed the fish. As I was cooking breakfast he said, “Mommy, what’s Mocha doing?” My heart sank as I walked over to the tank and peered inside to find, as expected, Mocha belly up next to the filter. HSP that I am, tears filled my eyes as I said, “Oh, sweetheart, Mocha died.” He looked up at me and wrinkled his brow, then said,

“Well, she’s on her way to fish heaven.”

“She’ll come back again as another fish,” I said, hopefully.

“No,” he said. “Once a creature goes to heaven, they don’t come back again. It’s only when they go to the Kitten Crane that they reincarnate. But wait a minute! I can send a message to the Kitten Crane to rescue Mocha’s spirit! Hold on!”

He ran over to his Lego cubby and called, through cupped hands,… Click here to continue reading…

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Posted in Dying/Death, Parenthood transitions, Transitions - General

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Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 4:47 pm

Is it okay if your second guessing doesn’t go away after your wedding? My wedding was a few months ago and the fears/crazy thoughts are still playing in my head! Does that mean I married the wrong person?

Charisse - October 13, 2010 - 1:47 pm

I love that term! “anticipatory anxiety” – that’s exactly what it is. I feel like some people experience this more than others when facing a big transition. My husband, for example, never worries about anything before/during/after it happens. Leading up to our wedding, I know he thought I was crazy with all my emotional weirdness, and I still feel bad for the things I did/said/felt during that time. I think the hardest part of dealing with the transition to marriage was the way my fears affected him and knowing now that I can never take any of it back, but I also think the things I learned during this marriage transition will help me handle future transitions better. :) Great post, as usual!

Jennifer - October 26, 2010 - 12:59 pm

Dear Janelle, I empathize. I am learning that our feelings are like waves, and they come and go with our thoughts. The more you concentrate on negative thoughts, the more they tend to compound and you become ransacked with negative emotions.

Knowing that the feelings and thoughts pass, and trying to remember one encouraging thought about yourself or your spouse might help. I am always amazed when things work out, and I am becoming a better surfer with my emotions.

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