Category Archives: Dying/Death

Interview with Rabbi Tirzah Firestone

I was honored and delighted to interview Rabbi Tirzah Firestone on her perspective on transitions. Rabbi Firestone is my rabbi, my mentor, and a continual source of inspiration and guidance to thousands of people around the world. We talked about transitions of every kind, from the beginning and ending of a day to the tragedy of losing a loved one to our planetary transition. Her words are infused with hope, wisdom and love, and the interview left me with a big smile throughout my body.

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Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, M.A. is an author, psychotherapist, and founding rabbi of Congregation Nevei Kodesh in Boulder, Colorado. Widely known for her groundbreaking work on Kabbalah and depth psychology and… Click here to continue reading…

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Grieving as Letting Go

At the heart of transitioning consciously is the willingness to grieve. Sometimes grief arises unbidden as a pang of emptiness; sometimes it wells up in a bubble of memory about a former house; sometimes it appears as a longing for a past experience or stage of life; sometimes it comes barreling into the psyche on tidal wave of sorrow for a deceased relative or an estranged friendship. It can be attached to a memory or it can appear “out of the blue” without a specific content or story riding in its waters.

However it appears, it’s important to give it time and attention so that it doesn’t become stuck inside and ferment into depression. Clients will often say to me, “You talk about grieving, but what does that actually mean?” It means, simply, letting yourself feel your sadness. It doesn’t always mean that you crumble into a heap of tears,… Click here to continue reading…

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Lovebug - February 3, 2011 - 4:22 pm

Sheryl, I love this. I’m not exactly sure why – perhaps it just reminded me how good it feels to actively grieve. I guess in a way I feel happy to grieve, knowing the release I feel after a good cry. And I can usually tell when I’m grieving, when it’s to the bone and a full body experience. I can attest to the benefits of giving in to the emotion, of letting them take over my body, and how, layer after layer, I’m getting closer to arriving at my truth.

Amy - February 3, 2011 - 6:08 pm

Sheryl & Guests – While I am thinking of a few past loves what really hits me is a past job that I was let go from….I went through all of these stages. After all of that, I have never felt better! I have a 10 year old son that I have much more time to spend with and I am happily working at a great place. The positive energy can and does return. Thanks for the encouragement:)

Charisse - February 7, 2011 - 4:38 pm

Sheryl – my sister (and bestfriend) recently moved from California (where she lived down the street from me) to Texas, and it was a very, very hard transition for me. From the day that I found out she was moving until the day she drove away, I thought about you so much and how you say to grieve everything when it comes upon you and to not be scared of the grief – so I did – I cried on my drive to work, while blow drying my hair, while cooking dinner – wherever the grief hit me, I gave in to it – and I really do think it helped me to be ready to let her go when she left. I can’t say it enough, I’m so thankful for all of your words!

Sheryl Paul - February 7, 2011 - 6:57 pm

Thank you, all, for your beautiful comments. Charisse, I love what you wrote here. Grieving is hard in the abstract but when you really let it in, it’s not as bad as we think. And you did the right work for preparing for her departure, which does, indeed, make it easier to let go. Bravo!

The Fear of Aging

During my search for new recipes for my little vegetarian son (who declared he was a vegetarian about nine months ago; you can read about it here), I stumbled upon a beautiful and inspiring book called, Healthy at 100, by John Robbins (author of Diet for a New America). As my current life affords scant time for the luxury of reading, the book sat around the house in a variety of locations for a couple of weeks. But a few days ago something urged me toward the book, and even though work and kids called as always, I picked it up and started to read.

There are some books that draw you in from page one. They speak to an inner place of struggle or inquiry, loss or longing. The author manages to write the words that you didn’t know how to speak, thereby naming your experience and… Click here to continue reading…

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Pilar - January 25, 2011 - 2:24 am

As usual, your text connects with something crucial I am going through. I am going to turn 45 next month and I was precisely thinking about how we women feel more the pressure to remain young. I was angry about opposing the passing of time. I love getting older! Every year in my life has been better than the former one, because I have gained wisdom, serenity, peace, respect for myself. I have learnt to accept my body and myself more and more. I have learnt to be happier over time and I expect to experience the same over and over…just if I am able to ignore the predominant social discurse about ageing (specially for female ageing). Thank you for raising this topic.

Sheryl Paul - January 25, 2011 - 10:54 am

Yes, Pilar, Robbins talks specifically about how the fear of aging affects women. It’s primarily women that undergo vast amounts of plastic surgery (do men ever get a facelift) and the images of women trying to stay young and avoid aging are everywhere. Thanks for sharing your experience and helping to raise the consciousness about this important topic.

Nina - January 25, 2011 - 8:25 pm

great post. I have been thinking of this lately. I’ve been collecting quotes and my thoughts to put into pictures and I recently thought (not new but it really struck me) “I decide my happiness” and then today I read this post – http://www.happierkidsnow.com/blog/parenting/do-you-believe-parenting-is-difficult/#more-425 and it reinforced my thinking. I’m also reading positive parenting and that really reinforces it too…great mindset change…says she who just dyed her grays away last night ;)

Helen - January 28, 2011 - 10:26 pm

I too have been thinking about this alot. My son turned 5, I turned 31 and my Grandmother being firmly in her 80s and far away from me has all bought aging into the forefront of my mind. It is something I really worry about and something that is really challenging me. Thankyou for this.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 11:04 am

From Proverbs: “The glory of young men is their strength, but the SPLENDOR of old men is their gray hair.”

Splendor! Think about that for a moment. :)

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:08 am

LOVE IT!

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:09 am

But notice that it’s the splendor of MEN. For men, gray hair is considered distinguished and handsome, but there’s still so much stigma and judgement about women’s gray hair.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 12:11 pm

True, Sheryl, but I took the proverb to be applicable to both, as there are other proverbs that praise gray hair in general. I don’t think the ancients had the anxieties about it that we do.

I’ll never forget meeting a Chinese man years ago, an exchange teacher at my school, who said he couldn’t wait to be called “Old Pan” (his last name being “Pan”). Such a radically different view of aging in Asian culture.

Joy - February 28, 2011 - 12:00 am

As a child I was fortunate enough to have my great-grandparents as well as my grandparents available to me. One of my great- grandmothers lived within walking distance and I made that walk frequently. It may have been because my father was a Native American that the respect and admiration for the elderly was instilled in me but whatever the reason, I remember feeling that I could learn from these people. I spent many hours just hanging out with my great-grandmother listening to her stories and learning some basic cooking and household skills along the way. I never felt bored with her company, or many of the other elderly people in my family or my extended ‘family’. I still had plenty of time to play with my friends, do other things and spend time by myself.

All through my life I have listened to, and learned from, older people. Some of them ‘talk through their hats’ so to speak, but many have gained wisdom over the years and are definitely worth listening to. (Just because you are old does not mean instant wisdom. If you never really matured mentally, and I think some people don’t, then you aren’t going to magically change in old age.)

Now I am an elder at 63 and counting. I am sad at the state of our society (mostly brought about by advertising and a lack of parents instilling respect in their kids). Spending time with Grandma or Grandpa just to hang out is not too popular these days.

People themselves fall into the trap of being ‘old’. Just go to any high school reunion after you’re 40 or so and look around. Some people have hardly changed and others look like they have fast forwarded to 80. What’s the difference? Talk to them and you’ll know right away. The younger looking ones relish life and the older looking ones have practically given it up! They think they are ‘supposed’ to look and act the way they do. They are ‘supposed’ to have all kinds of aches and pains and ailments and they are looking forward to more and more serious ones!

I’m a ‘boomer’ and we are changing the idea of when it is you get ‘old’. All well and good, but it would be nice to add some respect for age in there too. I have lived through the extended family as a norm and the break up of that through corporate moves. The lesson there is that extended family worked far better for everyone. I’m sure those Russians are not living in isolation from the younger generations of their families.

Point being, I guess, is that it was society that changed and it can change again. It’s up to us, the adults, to do that. It only takes learning from the elders and then instilling that in our kids. How do YOU want to be treated when you are an elder? Think about it, picture yourself there and then get going. Start valuing your own elders and teaching your children to also. Then YOU might get some respect in your old age!

Sheryl Paul - March 1, 2011 - 6:47 am

How blessed you were to grow up with your great-grandmother within walking distance! There’s no doubt that affected your positive view of elders.

Friday Favorite Quote

I love Elizabeth Berg’s novels. She’s my go-to writer for books that allow me to escape into someone else’s life while offering insight and meaning. It occurred to me some years ago that the reason I love her books so much is that she almost always tackles the topics of life transitions and loss. She’s not afraid to talk about literal death and death in everyday life. She begins one of her latest novels, Home Safe (about an older woman’s grieving process in the aftermath of her husband’s death), with the following description:

One Saturday when she was nine years old, Helen Ames went into the basement, sat at the card table her mother used for folding laundry, and began writing. She wrote about the flimsy heads of dandelions gone to seed, about the voices of her parents drifting from their bedroom at night, about the nest ofClick here to continue reading…

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Nina - January 21, 2011 - 6:51 pm

that is beautiful. I find journaling helps me sooo soo much.

so…would you recommend that book for people who have lost someone? my neighbor just lost her husband and said she feels a little lost herself and I’m not sure how to help. and my stepfa is dying and my mother is just counting down the time but says she won’t know what to do once he dies (he’s been chronically ill for years)…

Sheryl Paul - January 22, 2011 - 6:02 pm

I haven’t read enough of it to say for sure, but knowing Elizabeth Berg’s books I would venture to say yes!

Amy - January 23, 2011 - 2:02 pm

Thanks Sheryl. I lost my Mom in 2008 and ours was a complicated relationship. I have written letters to her and I have written about her. For me she is “clearer” now as the whole woman she was, not just as my mother. And this has allowed me to love her more and to move forward. It has allowed me to love my Dad more too and to fully appreciate him now, in life, as so much more than just my Dad. Transitions, and being in them, are so important. Thank you for the thought stimulation. ~Amy

Sheryl Paul - January 23, 2011 - 2:07 pm

Thank you, Amy. I think the mother-daughter relationship is almost always complicated – and sometimes the clarity and healing comes after the loss. It sounds like you’ve done great work around it which has allowed you to move the transition to completion and bring healing to your other significant relationships – which is often a little-known gift of processing transitions consciously!

Birth and Death

As I soaked in a hot bubble bath at the end of a thoroughly joyous birthday, I noticed that an orange autumn leaf had somehow followed me into the room, and I thought, “It’s impossible to reflect on one’s birth without also thinking about death.” The birth/death cycle is at the core of understanding transitions, and one of the boons of approaching transitions with consciousness is that, with each spiral of letting go, we have an opportunity to become more comfortable with death.

The truth is that everyone, if they’re honest, has some fear of death. It’s the niggling thought that presses on the edges of the mind at the day’s end; it’s the blaring thought that creates fear in the middle of the night. It’s the fear of change. It’s the resistance to growth. It’s stagnating on what’s comfortable and familiar because change involves letting go and letting go… Click here to continue reading…

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k8et - November 10, 2010 - 11:59 am

Hi! I found your blog through the article on A Practical Wedding! I am thrilled to see and hear advice for life transitions – I got married on October 1, and while marriage is absolutely wonderful, I’ve been surprised to have the let-down after the wedding and honeymoon ended that many others have talked about. Making it worse, this week my husband took a new project on which will have him 2 hours away, and he’ll be staying in a hotel 4 nights a week (3 once he gets remote access and can work from home Fridays!)

My mind knows that we can get through this (it’s short term/several months, he can always drive home one night during the week if I ask, there’s possibilities for relocating or doing more work from home, etc.) but my heart has been heavy with separating so soon.

And then part of me grieves/worries because for a long time before we met, I lived alone and was VERY independent. I worry about whether we are too co-dependent, and maybe this is a good thing… I don’t know. I do know, that finding your blog is fortuitous timing, and I am very grateful for it. Thank you for letting me pour my thoughts out :D

Mocha Died… Again

Oh boy. We came downstairs yesterday morning and Everest went to feed the fish. As I was cooking breakfast he said, “Mommy, what’s Mocha doing?” My heart sank as I walked over to the tank and peered inside to find, as expected, Mocha belly up next to the filter. HSP that I am, tears filled my eyes as I said, “Oh, sweetheart, Mocha died.” He looked up at me and wrinkled his brow, then said,

“Well, she’s on her way to fish heaven.”

“She’ll come back again as another fish,” I said, hopefully.

“No,” he said. “Once a creature goes to heaven, they don’t come back again. It’s only when they go to the Kitten Crane that they reincarnate. But wait a minute! I can send a message to the Kitten Crane to rescue Mocha’s spirit! Hold on!”

He ran over to his Lego cubby and called, through cupped hands,… Click here to continue reading…

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Janelle - October 12, 2010 - 4:47 pm

Is it okay if your second guessing doesn’t go away after your wedding? My wedding was a few months ago and the fears/crazy thoughts are still playing in my head! Does that mean I married the wrong person?

Charisse - October 13, 2010 - 1:47 pm

I love that term! “anticipatory anxiety” – that’s exactly what it is. I feel like some people experience this more than others when facing a big transition. My husband, for example, never worries about anything before/during/after it happens. Leading up to our wedding, I know he thought I was crazy with all my emotional weirdness, and I still feel bad for the things I did/said/felt during that time. I think the hardest part of dealing with the transition to marriage was the way my fears affected him and knowing now that I can never take any of it back, but I also think the things I learned during this marriage transition will help me handle future transitions better. :) Great post, as usual!

Jennifer - October 26, 2010 - 12:59 pm

Dear Janelle, I empathize. I am learning that our feelings are like waves, and they come and go with our thoughts. The more you concentrate on negative thoughts, the more they tend to compound and you become ransacked with negative emotions.

Knowing that the feelings and thoughts pass, and trying to remember one encouraging thought about yourself or your spouse might help. I am always amazed when things work out, and I am becoming a better surfer with my emotions.

Update on Everest

So we followed through on our promise and bought three little glo-fish for Everest. One of them is, of course, named Mocha, and he insists that she’s the reincarnation of our cat who died last spring. In case you’re new to the blog, part of helping Everest prepare for Mocha’s death and helping him with his own transition of losing his first beloved pet included long discussions about what happens when we die. Everest created his own mythology about a place called “the kitten crane” where Mocha would wait until she found her new cat body and reincarnated as a kitten. We had every intention of getting a kitten, but when my husband’s allergies cleared up in Mocha’s absence to the point of stopping all of his medication, we had to put health first and told Everest that the kitten would have to wait.

Everest seemed to understand,… Click here to continue reading…

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The Longing of Autumn

Nostalgia and memory ride in on a crisp Autumn breeze. In the slow moments of the day – rocking my baby down for a nap, chopping vegetables – the past filters up from the unconscious and the voices of ancestors make themselves known. In this poster season for transitions, when Nature is undergoing a massive movement toward letting go, we have the opportunity to ride on her fallen leaves and witness the aspects of ourselves and our children that are ready to let go of their branches and float to the ground, where they decompose and transform into another form of life. All around Nature is dying, and in this waking dream of loss, longing and memory arise.

I’m rocking Asher down for a nap and I’m in my childhood house. It’s the colors that stand out in stark relief: the blue of the swimming pool, the maroon shag carpetClick here to continue reading…

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Sarah - September 28, 2010 - 10:49 am

I’ve always found it interesting and have commented on the fact that trees seem to be the only things that physically become more attractive as the leaves prepare to die. However, your post made me question my logic and reflect on my definition of beauty. As I continue on my path of transformation and allow myself the time to actively wait (When the Heart Waits is an excellent book, by the way)I feel the beauty within me rising up and I am more able to love myself more fully and appreciate the struggle I’ve been going through. There are times when I can almost physically feel the ebb and flow of this transition, as if there are really strings tugging at my heart. But learning to pay attention to the feeling has been enormously helpful. I’ve been feeling more energized lately, perhaps the energy of fall is more compatible with my own energy, but you remind me to drop down and pay attention to what it is now time to let go of.

Charisse - September 29, 2010 - 1:34 pm

I love this post. I’ve been feeling so much of this in the past few weeks as the seasons change. I’ve been missing being young, my high school years, living close to my family, life before I was married – and really grieving that all of these things are over. I’ve never felt like this in the fall before – usually it makes me excited and buzzed with the feeling of new opportunities – but this year is different. It’s my first fall as a married woman, maybe that’s why. :) I feel like getting married (maybe because it’s so “final”) has made me really feel all of the stages of my life that are over and that I can’t go back to – and the fall seems to be intensifying those feelings. It’s nice to know it’s normal – and to be reminded to rejoice in the wonderfulness that is the here and now. Thank you for all of your posts!

admin - September 29, 2010 - 9:09 pm

Thank you for your beautiful and soulful comment, Sarah. Your journey is so important and I have no doubt will lead you to immense amounts of wisdom, compassion, and a deepening of your connection with yourself. And I’m so glad you’re enjoying “When the Heart Waits.” It’s one of my all-time favorites.

admin - September 29, 2010 - 9:11 pm

Very well said, Charisse, and thank you for taking the time to share your experience. Getting married really does solidify all that is over. It’s a grieving process that happens in stages and it’s so important to allow those more difficult feelings to surface and move through.

Merry Oislander - October 1, 2010 - 9:49 am

Sheryl, Thank you for so elequantly modeling how to deeply feel each feeling in the moment. I felt like you were in my head and it’s so nice to know that others equally share similar thoughts and what to do with them when they occur. I have been in major transition in my life right now and it’s so encouraging to be able to also be aware that loss too can be beautiful. I look forward to being out of this liminal stage, but until then I will breathe, accept, and let go! Blessing to you. Merry

admin - October 1, 2010 - 10:00 am

Thank you, Merry. I know the liminal stage is so hard, so disconcerting, but there’s so much growth waiting on the other side and the only way to get there is to endure the fallow time and surrender to the feeling of being out of control. Blessings to you during your transitions.