Category Archives: Inner Bonding®

Take Care of Your Anxiety Like a Scared Child

I’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s brilliant little book called Anger. With his signature simple and poetic style, Hahn elucidates the Buddhist views on managing and healing anger which, to my surprise and delight, overlap almost identically with Inner Bonding®. If you’re like most of my clients and people who follow this blog who struggle more with anxiety than anger, simply replace the word “anger” with “anxiety” and you’ll have a prescription for handling your difficult emotions.

For example, in one section called “Caring for Your Baby, Anger” Hanh writes:

“Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby.

“You have to be like a mother listening for the cries of her baby. If a mother is working in the kitchen and hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she is doing and goes to comfort… Click here to continue reading…

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ScottishBride - December 15, 2011 - 5:52 am

Sheryl,
What a fantastic post. Most of us are so ashamed of having doubts, fears or anxieties that we try and push them down, or punish ourselves for our feelings, instead of embracing them and working through them. Acknolwedging my anxiety and attending to it through a mixture of inner bonding, the e-course and journaling has resulted in me finally being able to break the cycle and work through my engagement anxiety. I would encourage all others with anxiety about their relationship to do the same.

brooklynbride - December 15, 2011 - 9:15 am

oh how i love this post! There is so much comfort from sitting with your Inner Child… As a child I never was sent to the time out chair, too “senstive” and “good” for that… but my sister was. And it was heartbreaking for me to watch her cry. Sometimes I would go in there and just sit with her because I knew she needed to be comforted… and as I think of this memory I cry. For both of us. And for the relief knowing that I can be a good inner parent to myself as an adult… and share this wisdom with my sister today.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 9:37 am

Thank you, both. And you’re both a big inspiration for others to make the leap into committing to the process of attending to their feelings. BrooklynBride, your story brought tears to my eyes, too. It’s heartbreaking to think about kids sitting alone with their grief, heartbreak, and shame.

Carole - December 15, 2011 - 12:26 pm

Sheryl, great post and great timing for the holidays! One of the most difficult things for me was to learn how to self soothe, but what a huge difference it makes! Thanks again

StephyN - December 15, 2011 - 5:13 pm

Sheryl, I love this post. I was one of those kids that was left to cry herself to sleep because that was the only way I’d learn to sleep without a parent in my room. I was that girl that was forced to go to sleep away camp for 8 weeks against my will because all the other girls my age were going and I needed to learn how to “act my age.” I know my parents always thought they were doing the best for their children, but I’ve learned to feel numb since my feelings as a child were ignored (to make me stronger, or so they thought). I’m trying to do the inner bonding, but I just don’t feel any emotion whatsoever. I discuss stories from my past like I’m talking about someone else. Thank you for your very well written post.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 6:57 pm

When you’re doing Inner Bonding, start to move toward the feeling of numbness. You shut down at an early age because it was too painful to feel your feelings and it was the only way you could cope, but once you start to approach your numb self with compassion, the pain will break through. And yes, our dominant parenting model encourages parents to push their kids past their comfort zone so that they find their strength. This may work for some kids, but for the more sensitive among us, it creates the opposite result. Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? It sounds like you were and are a highly sensitive person and reading the book would help you develop compassion for yourself, which would help break through the numbness.

Valentina - December 17, 2011 - 3:31 pm

Sheryl, such a great post, such great truth. And just a perfect reminder for my day, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your spiritual guidance with us. It is so easy to forget and to abandon ourselves. As Ghandi says, we cannot hurt anyone without hurting ourselves.

StephanieG - January 31, 2012 - 12:29 pm

This was a great read for me today. I have felt like I am drowning the past few days and found myself wanting to cry and just thinking “I want my mom”. Instead, I guess it is actually myself saying that I need my Inner Loving Adult. I am scared and drowning in the river. I need myself to step up and throw out that life line. My own mother can’t help me right now. In fact, no one can except myself.

cwb - May 2, 2012 - 8:31 pm

I cannot tell you how comforting your site is. I was having some trouble tonight – feeling odd and nervous and scared and I knew that if I came to your site, I would be able to read posts about what I was feeling. I found so much comfort here. I often re-read your posts too!

Thank you for doing this, and for sharing your wisdom with us.

Sheryl Paul - May 2, 2012 - 8:37 pm

CWB: I’m so glad you found your way here, and thank you for taking the time to share your appreciation. It’s one of my deepest joys to write these articles and share the insights I’ve received over the years.

“Real Love Is Only What You Give”

I don’t recall how I first stumbled upon Recipes for a Perfect Marriage by Morag Prunty, but most likely it came from a recommendation from a member of the Conscious Weddings message board. I remember intially feeling put-off by the title as anything that contains the word “perfect”, especially in connection to weddings or marriage, produces an immediate allergic reaction in my psyche. But because I trust my wise and thoughtful audience, I purchased the book and was stunned to find the words that I espouse to my clients every day transposed into a rich and meaningful novel.

I recently re-read the book to make sure that it has withstood my ever-evolving understanding of real love and marriage. My 2011 review: it’s nothing short of brilliant. It’s the only novel I’m aware of that presents an authentic, realistic window into what it means to love and… Click here to continue reading…

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Morag Prunty - April 21, 2012 - 12:36 pm

Sheryl, I am so blown away with this blog that features my book (I write under the name Kate Kerrigan). So great to meet someone who appreciates the “reality of real love.”
Maybe come visit my blog sometime too?
http://katekerriganauthor.tumblr.com/

Great to meet with you online. x

Sheryl Paul - April 21, 2012 - 6:41 pm

Oh my goodness! I’m beyond thrilled to connect with you and receive this comment! You’re a bit of a celebrity on my e-course forum and I’ve been recommending your book to every single person who has come my way over the last 14 years. Thank you for your brilliant work; it’s literally the ONLY fiction piece I’ve come across that paints a realistic and inspiring picture of real love. I will certainly be heading over to your site and would love to connect with you more personally as well.

Troy - May 6, 2012 - 9:02 am

I’m a guy and I’m in tears right now. This information is so encouraging to me, not because I’m feeling like now the love I care about will survive, but because I realize the next right step to keeping it alive is not about it or something he needs to do, but something I can do that will be good for me no matter what happens to the relationship. Thank you.

Relationship Anxiety: Fear Eyes or Clear Eyes?

The power of fear never ceases to amaze me. When I initially entered the fear forest after my first panic attack at age 21 (three months before graduating from college), I prostrated myself at fear’s feet. I handed over my thought processes and became a complete victim to whatever fear told me was true. For several years, most of this occurred unconsciously as I hadn’t found my way to the right support. Until I learned how to challenge fear’s arguments, I was a helpless pawn under its rule, a victim in a dark forest. It was, in short, misery.

Eventually, gratefully, I found my way to the couch of a brilliant and compassionate psychotherapist. He was the first to say things like, “You’re a victim to your feelings. They rule your life” Huh? Of course I listened to my feelings. They had been my guideposts my entire life, the clues… Click here to continue reading…

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Ashley - October 4, 2011 - 2:31 pm

thank you for this beautiful post. i relate so much to everything as you have described. and it is possible to dismantle fear, as you have shown me :)

Janelle - October 4, 2011 - 3:09 pm

As always, this is absolutely beautiful! I’m so happy I found your site two years ago. My marriage is the greatest gift in this world! Thank god I said no to fear and yes to love! I’m so thankful that I went through the darkness and learned so many skills that will help me for the rest of my life. I am forever grateful!

Sheryl Paul - October 4, 2011 - 5:09 pm

And I’m so grateful to both of you for offering your support and inspiration to those still lost in the dark forest!

Sarah - October 5, 2011 - 7:33 am

Great post! I needed to hear this today. I particularly like what you said about “windows of clarity.” I’ve felt a number of anxious/fear based things since being engaged and married to my husband, but something that works so well is to let those windows carry you through the next spell of fear. A few weeks ago we were having a really good conversation, and just enjoying each other, and I had the thought “nothing in me is resisting this right now….there’s no projection, or fear, or worry over how long this state is going to last….just enjoyment and love.” It was a great moment to just revel in and enjoy. Yes. The hard work is worth it!

KD - October 5, 2011 - 8:11 am

It’s a constant battle for me not to work myself up, to obsess, worry and wonder. While it can be debilitating at times, I know if you sit long enough with it, the truth comes out. Thanks for sharing.

MB - October 6, 2011 - 8:13 am

True!! Thanks for posting.
I find telling myself ‘sit with this, sit with this, sit with this’ helps me push through it instead of the old message (which still appears now and again) stating ‘run, run, run’.

BH - October 6, 2011 - 1:27 pm

Sheryl, the experience you have shared in this blog post is nearly identical to mine. I’m in my mid twenties, and one year ago my anxiety nearly removed me from a wonderful 4 year relationship that until then I had always thought was right. I managed to discover the truth about my fear as you have described here and work through it, mainly via counselling as well as a lot of yoga and reading. I actually eventually discovered that it was rooted in OCD-like obsessional thinking that focused on my relationship. One of the rituals associated with my OCD was to search the internet for answers regarding “how do you know you’re in love”, “how do you know someone is the one”, and while this is a negative habit, eventually finding your blog was immensely healing for me. I love that it doesn’t feed into the fantasies and perfectionist solutions offered by popular relationship advice. I am now preparing to move to another country with my partner and will be remembering your words throughout the transition.

Thank you for your spirituality, wisdom and encouragement.

Sheryl Paul - October 6, 2011 - 1:31 pm

Yes, the thinking can become obsessional with the corresponding compulsion of searching the internet or checking inside if you “feel” love. And YES to yoga and reading! Meditating, exercise, play, and creativity are also amazingly potent antidotes to anxiety.

PbandJessie - October 6, 2011 - 2:26 pm

This was such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing, Sheryl.

Melissa - October 6, 2011 - 9:43 pm

I’m so happy I serendipitously found your site!! I just love everything you voice on here. I so wish there were more women (and men) speaking honestly about what true relationship is and how its a continual dance in self discovery and the discovery of each other …which of course means fear will always have something to say. I’m in an amazing relationship with a man I truly love, and lately the fear voice has definitely made itself known. It is so validating to read your words of wisdom! Thank you:)

Sheryl Paul - October 7, 2011 - 7:14 am

I, too, wish that more people spoke honestly about the ebbs and flows of connection and the power of fear in healthy relationships.

Jennie - October 7, 2011 - 9:32 am

Sheryl, thank you for this post. I’ve stumbled across your interview with Alanis a couple of months ago but never had the time (didn’t take the time?) to actually listen to it. About a week ago I finally did and it was such an inspiration. I found many explanations for things I didn’t understand before. So I went back to your site and I’m a regular reader now, and just this post right there reaffirms that I’ve stumbled upon something incredibly precious when I “found” you on the internet. I still have a long way to go before I can face my fears as courageous as you do but having someone name the exact fears I have and saying it’s ok to have them and that they can be overcome already makes me feel better. Thank you.

Margaret Paul - October 7, 2011 - 9:59 am

I’m so glad you found Daev and said yes to love! I love experiencing your beautiful family.

Sheryl Paul - October 7, 2011 - 10:56 am

Thank you, Mom! I’m forever grateful that you helped me see through the fear so I could recognize the essence of my beautiful man! It’s so important to have one person who blows the whistle on the mainstream criteria for choosing a partner and helps you say no to fear.

Cori - October 8, 2011 - 11:15 am

Sheryl! I just got the e-mail about this post. Now almost 6 months into marriage, this past week my husband and I visited the place where he proposed and where all of my anxiety began. I found the memory of those feelings and fears popping up in my mind. I remembered how scared and confused I was about how I was feeling. The anxiety was threatening to return in the back of my mind, but I remembered how far I have come and how happy I am to have overcome the stronghold the fear and anxiety had on me. To this day, I remember your words and they help me through the times when fears rear their ugly head. Your story is exactly what I went through. I am so grateful that now the anxiety is merely a visitor that rarely returns.

I also wish people were more outspoken about the reality of relationships – the ebbs and flows of connections, the way your relationship changes on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

As always, thank you for your work!

Melanie - November 20, 2011 - 12:08 pm

Just came across your website, thank you for posting this. I’m recently engaged to a very kind and caring man now I overly fearful and anxious of our future before this I felt fine. I can relate to your post and feel some relief knowing I’m not alone.

Sheryl Paul - November 20, 2011 - 1:47 pm

You’re far from alone, as you’ll quickly see from reading through other posts!

SB - November 20, 2011 - 9:12 pm

Melanie, you are not alone in these feelings. I took Sheryl’s suggestion and started journaling exactly what my fears were and thoughts I had that scared me. Somehow, once you get past the fear of putting it on paper, it actually helps separate you from these feelings. And as Sheryl has said, feelings are just feelings. Not everything you feel is always the truth. Keep reading and processing your feelings. It truly helps. Good luck and know you aren’t alone.

PC - December 2, 2011 - 4:04 pm

Thank you so much for this post! I, too, spent many hours combing bookstores or the internet looking for the “excuse” to stay in my relationship despite the intense anxiety attacks I had and the fear that my feelings meant I didn’t love him. My anxiety started after several months of dating, but I also had the deeper feeling that I just couldn’t let go of him; that he was my soul mate. I persevered, and now we’ve been married nearly 13 years and have the most amazing three children ever! I still experience fear once in a while, but I fight it more easily and effectively than when it first appeared. Thank you.

Sheryl Paul - December 2, 2011 - 6:20 pm

Thank YOU so much for sharing your story! I’m wondering if you’d be willing to share how you worked through your anxiety and at what point it dissipated. I know it would provide a lot of inspiration for my clients and e-course participants who are in the thick on it.

What’s Your Running Commentary?

At some point in my counseling work, I hear a recurrent belief or thought that surfaces for my clients. It’s the belief that tends to wreak havoc on my client’s psyche, the one that’s been with him or her since childhood. Most people are so fused with this false belief or negative thought that they can’t even hear it. It’s like the news banner that runs across the bottom of the TV screen: you know it’s there and you subconsciously absorb the information but you don’t give it much thought. In other words, it’s always in the background, like a running commentary.

Sadly, this running commentary isn’t usually something positive and self-affirming like, “You’re a beautiful, loving person. You deserve love. You are worthy, kind and smart.” On the contrary, the most common running commentaries are rooted in fear-based lies that develop in early childhood as a way to protect… Click here to continue reading…

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Sarah - March 23, 2011 - 8:16 pm

Sheryl, what you write here is so perfect and this post has come at the best time for me. Each day is usually a roller coaster of emotions as I consciously shed the old and embrace the stillness and emptiness that’s left, as I’m just starting to discover what lies ahead. Every moment I make the conscious choice to be in the present, to feel what I’m feeling, and let it move through me. So much has changed in my life and is changing, and the most important change to me is the internal commentary that’s been influencing my life up until now.

Sheryl Paul - March 23, 2011 - 9:35 pm

Thank you, Sarah – and it’s great to hear from you. From your comment, it sounds like you’re managing this enormous and life-altering transition with courage, commitment, and grace; bravo! How has the internal commentary changed specifically?

Please email me directly and let me know in more detail how you’re doing and what choices you’ve made.