Category Archives: Parenthood transitions

My Baby Turns Three

I don’t know why some people experience the pain and loss of transitions and milestones more than others. Perhaps it’s an inborn personality trait; perhaps it’s connected to childbirth or postnatal trauma where babies were separated from their mothers for too long; perhaps it’s associated with early separation experiences with school or friends (being dropped off at kindergarten before a child is ready to leave his mother); or perhaps it’s a mysterious amalgamation of all or none of the above. And in the end it doesn’t really matter. What matters is what happens when we deny our natural need to express and process the pain and loss of any of life’s transitions. Which is what I did this week.

Last Saturday, I sat in the glider that I received as a gift before Asher was born. I rocking and staring out at our land in spring: the apple trees in… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

cwb - April 16, 2012 - 6:24 pm

Goodness. Sheryl! Tonight, I was feeling these life blues – around my upcoming marriage – and I thought, “Oh I’ll just pop onto conscious-transitions and see if she’s posted anything new – even if it doesnt help tonight, it will at least be something to read.” Of course, I’m blown away with your ability to articulate the utter schmorgasboard of emotions we feel in life, with love, with family, with transitions. I connect with your message deeply. Even though I don’t have children yet, I feel like this will guide me some day.

Thank you for writing.

Sheryl Paul - April 16, 2012 - 6:56 pm

Thank you. Deepest, heartfelt thank you : )

Tara - April 16, 2012 - 9:41 pm

Like CWB, I often drop in to read what you write, Sheryl. Regardless of where I am emotionally, your posts always resonate with me. My own baby turned one on April 11 and I’ve been feeling unsettled for weeks. While reading your post, I realized why – his transition from babyhood to toddler is hard for me to handle! I’m already missing his sweet baby-ness (even though he’s not yet even walking!) and mourning his increasing independence (even while I take joy and pride in his every new accomplishment and learned skill). Thank you for making me see that it’s okay to be sad with this transition and okay to cry. And that it’s okay to cry next year and the year after too! I appreciate your posts.

teri - April 17, 2012 - 11:28 am

Joining the chorus…from way down the path. I have been reading your posts since 2 years ago in September. (My daughter was in denial over her upcoming marriage and I was having fits. So I googled something like,-being supportive to a daughter in denial about marriage-.

And although my children are now adults, your words explain where I was. I read every word and say – “oh I see what was happening.” It helps me understand why I cried as I held my new born daughter 31 years ago and said…”she is going to leave someday…” I was a basket case at every transition- and it feels good to know it was ok. Blessings.

Jen - April 17, 2012 - 11:44 am

I totally underestimated the grief I felt when moving into a new house,realizing it is the first house where my elder son never lived with us.And our second son started spending enormous amounts of times with now nearby friends and was(is)never home.The “empty nest” is a REAL thing!!!It helped,after I gave myself over to the real sadness,to visualize this nest and me as the “forever mother bird”-my babies will always have my heart to come home to-I still cannot update my photo albums of their childhoods,but I will,in time.Thank you for acknowledging and normalizing these kinds of sadnesses.

Jen

Laura Fulton - April 17, 2012 - 1:28 pm

Thank you Sheryl,
You are so eloquent. I cried with you, thanks for knowing just what to say-my daughter is 20-where has the time gone?
I am one who feels grief in every transition, I often feel the joy too but look forward to doing it differently, and practice welcoming the sadness part more gently so that the joy flows more naturally-
Thank you for your gifts!
Laura

Sheryl Paul - April 17, 2012 - 1:52 pm

Thank you, all, for your beautiful comments. It brings such a smile to my face to be connected to mothers and women all over the world who understand the heartbreaking grief and bittersweet joys of life.

Kathy - April 17, 2012 - 9:44 pm

That is absolutely beautiful! I wish my mother had been like you!

Sheryl Paul - April 17, 2012 - 9:49 pm

Thank you : ).

Get Off That Train (of Thought)

A thought barrels into your brain station like a powerful locomotive. You didn’t ask to think this thought; it arrived unbidden and without declaring its destination. Because it seems so powerful and because of the well-worn habit of stepping onto this train, you climb aboard. Before you know it, you’re headed into the underworld of anxiety. As the train thrashes through your brain, it adds thought-car after thought-car until you’re spinning in anxiety, then panic.

You are not your thoughts. As meditation and all spiritual traditions teach, you are the space between your thoughts, the spacious place of being that is only truth. You are not your negative story, the one that incessantly berates you like a mean taskmaster who sits on your shoulder shouting some version of the following with such consistent intensity that you’ve consciously tuned it out: “You’re not enough!” “There’s something wrong with you!” “You don’t… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Celeste - April 2, 2012 - 7:59 am

Nice article – thank you! I really like your approach to dealing with those difficult/obsessive thoughts!

Carly schrever - April 2, 2012 - 3:09 pm

Thank you Sheryl. I recently read Chodren’s ‘When things fall apart’ but had forgotten that message about negative thoughts being like an addiction. I think perhaps part of it is that at least in the self-judge we have company!! It’s cruel, punitive, but at least we know it, and we know we can live with it because we have all our lives. Without it we’re completely alone, and we don’t know whether we can live with that. It takes such courage and faith to let go of those structures and just be ourselves!

Janelle - April 2, 2012 - 3:29 pm

Love Love Love this Sheryl : ) I love what you said to your son- he’s very lucky to have you as his mother. I grew up thinking that all of my “bad thoughts” were weird, wrong, and strange. I thought that no one else in the world EVER had those negative thoughts. In fact I tried to avoid those thoughts by obsessing over them ever since I was little. When I was 25 and engaged, I found this website and started dealing with the thoughts. Pretty remarkable that it took me that long to realize the thoughts were normal- however, I’m sure a lot of people think their thoughts are abnormal : )

Also, I love the line “You are not your negative story.” I know that you were talking about thoughts in our heads, however, I have to tell myself that same thing about the trauma I felt from my parents divorce. This past few weeks, I’ve had to tell myself SEVERAL times, “my parents story is not my story and I don’t have to be cursed by their story.” That’s their story not mine- just because their marriage failed that doesn’t mean that I’m some weird, tainted, person that can’t have a successful marriage. I have a wonderful marriage and I know that but sometimes my wounded self says “you are strange and weird, you’ll end up just like your parents.”

Thank God for your website. A few weeks ago at Church the priest was asking “who is the important person you have ever met?” He wanted us to think of a person before he started his sermon and then at the end of the sermon answer that question again. This is who I thought of before (and still do think this):

First, is my husband because he truly changed my life. When we met each other I was going down a horrible path. I was in an abusive relationship and would have probably dropped out of high school. He encouraged me and was my number 1 cheerleader. Now, 10 years later, I have married him, graduated with honors from college and grad school, and I have a fantastic job. I know that I wouldn’t have any of this without him. He truly made me believe in myself and was the first one to show me how much I mattered.

Second, is you, Sheryl. Finding your website was truly a life changer. I was able to find out about all of my crazy thoughts and for the first time in my life realize that I was normal : ) I could go on and on about all of the wonderful things that you have taught me and I’m forever grateful.

And you’ll love this at the end of the sermon he said “Who is the most important person you’ve ever met in your life?” Then he said, “That person was staring back at you in the mirror this morning.” Just goes along with everything you teach- THANK YOU!

Sheryl Paul - April 2, 2012 - 3:51 pm

Carly: It is, indeed, very scary to let go of the old structures when you don’t know what will fill in the empty place. It requires gathering one’s courage and recognizing that the current ways don’t work and don’t serve anymore – and then leaping into the unknown and often sinking into the underworld before returning with the gifts of the struggle. It’s no small task!

But I would challenge your statement that without those structures we’re completely alone. Yes, they have kept you company for many years – possible one’s entire life – but there’s something else that has also kept you company: your higher guidance or higher self. There’s a kind, loving, compassionate voice that sees and loves you unconditionally and when the inner critic’s voice dies down, it’s there, ready and waiting to fill in the silence.

Sheryl Paul - April 2, 2012 - 3:54 pm

Janelle: Your words took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. You were clearly ready to hear my work and I know you dove in full speed, as well as heading over to the Inner Bonding site to watch as many videos as you could. The readiness is the key factor: ready to let go of the inner critic, or at least learn to work with it more effectively; readiness to let go of the old structures and learn new ways. And thank you for being such a wise and compassionate source of support for my audience, both here and on the e-course forum. Every time you post I think, “She said much better than I could have!”

Lessons from the Mat: Meeting the Resistance

One of the most challenging roadblocks on the healing journey is working with resistance. Many of my clients feel split between two opposing forces: one part of them longs for healing and the accompanying sense of joy and fulfillment and the other part offers compelling reasons at every turn why healing and joy aren’t possible.

Many people who struggle with resistance learn that they carry an arsenal of false beliefs stacked up like a brick barricade that prevents them from moving forward in their healing process. In these cases, it’s essential to examine the false belief contained in each brick and slowly, repetitively, replace it with the truth. For example, many people resist taking full responsibility for their well-being because they carry a belief that someone else should rescue them or could do it better than they could. Once the false belief is brought to consciousness, the work is then… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

ildiko - March 9, 2012 - 3:45 am

Sheryl, this touched me so deeply.. i loved your reminder of getting down onto our child’s level – literally, meeting him/her eye to eye..I had a dream w/ my Spirit-Son last night and the essence of it was that he was so vulnerable, yet so invincible, indestructible.. no matter how many mistakes I made, he was not destroyed, he was hurt but not crushed.. always wanting to e w/ me, full of peace and dignity, settled and calm, knowing that “It’s All Well”..
This was the second such dream this week and I am so grateful. I asked him to send me a message, a sign, that he’s well, he’s forgiven me and he knows that my true essence always loved and still loves him and that my earth-being is simply still too clumsy to manifest the true love that I have inside my heart. This is so frustrating for us, humans, that we sometimes even give up..
Yet, I love the feeling when I feel my IC, and manage to treat her w/ compassion and understanding. “Yes, it’s hard to be present and feel, being so vulnerable and “weak”, it’s scary and unfamiliar.. yet we need to practice more of this type of “strength”, this is where we are connected to Guidance, Safety, and this is when we are “invincible and indestructible”..

Nikki - March 9, 2012 - 8:59 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. I needed this so much right now. Seems God keeps sending me the same messages over and over again and I feel so grateful for His patience as I try to learn the lesson. I am struggling at work and where we are in life in general. I love yoga and can easily see how I can apply all these ideas. Linda Popov speaks of something very similarly in her book The Pace of Grace and we practice the same thing with children in the RIE approach. How often I forget to do the same thing with myself! At work when I am trying to comfort a screaming baby and I feel like I am going to cry myself, I pray for patience and love however, yesterday I gave myself permission to feel the frustration and anger like you suggest in your Birthing a New Mother Program and it really helped! Thank you so much!

Kim - March 9, 2012 - 11:48 am

Hi Sheryl – love this article on resistance! Are there times when it is important to honour our inner child…when it really is too much, and if so how do we know? Is it a question of guidance? Kim

Sheryl Paul - March 9, 2012 - 1:10 pm

Kim: There are absolutely times when you need to honor your Inner Child. It’s a matter of learning the difference between true need and something that can pushed a bit. As with an actual child, there’s a fine line between honoring and gently nudging when you know that she or he is capable of more. And that differs from child to child and from situation to situation. For example, many parenting experts will say that a child needs to sleep in his own bed by a certain again, while others will say it’s important to honor to follow the child’s lead. There are no hard and fast rules in parenting (contrary to what the “experts” say, just as there are no hard and fast rules when your Inner Child. And for a highly sensitive child, the honoring will have to be more attuned and there’s not as much wiggle room!

Vanessa - March 9, 2012 - 2:55 pm

Empathy and reflecting back to my toddler her emotions respectfully has been like magic for her. I love seeing her realize that she is heard and validated. And that was all she needed.

Sheryl Paul - March 9, 2012 - 5:23 pm

It’s been magic here, too. It never worked quite like this for my first child but for the little one it’s usually all he needs. And isn’t it what we all need…?!

Kim - March 10, 2012 - 8:14 am

Thanks so much for this clarification Sheryl :)

Mary - March 11, 2012 - 5:04 am

Dear Sheryl,

Wow, this piece hit the nail on the head for me. I have never fully accepted who I am in the moment and have always been my biggest critic. I have always tended to look for others to come to my rescue since fear of the known and unknown have and still makes me its prisoner. My inner child deserves better than to be told you are nothing and will forever be nothing. I am a recovering alcoholic and what you wrote here can help me in my recovery. I am over one year sober and at times, I feel the process of recovery is just starting.

At the age of 53, when most are thinking of retirement, I am working at a supermarket as a part-time cashier. Through decades of addiction, I never fully prepared myself for my future. That is when my biggest critic comes into play. Through decades of addiction, my inner child is right here since addiction stunts one’s emotional growth.

I am working with a therapist and after reading this piece, I will have something to talk to her about in my next session. I thank you for writing it, Sheryl.

Sincerely,
Mary!

Adelina - March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am

Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humour – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)

Adelina - March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am

Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humor – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)

Why We Homeschool

People often ask us why we homeschool. I used to launch into a long-winded answer about how we never planned to homeschool but by the time Everest was two it became apparent that, because of his high emotional and moral sensitivity and his asynchronous learning style, he would be crushed in any traditional school environment. I used to talk about our attached parenting style and our belief that kids need to be with their parents much longer than our culture encourages. I may have said something about our outdated educational paradigm and the dangerous focus on extrinsic learning through punishments and rewards. I would often find myself over-explaining because the reasons were too complicated to condense into a single sentence. But recently I have found the sentence that distills our reasons into five words, and now I simply say: Because we believe in freedom.

We believe inClick here to continue reading…

View full post »

Lisa - February 29, 2012 - 6:18 am

Thank you so much for speaking and living your truth! I so appreciate your sharing these sentiments. Here is a link to an article that also speaks to your belief in and celebration of freedom http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/02/when-school-goes-against-your-very-nature/ I hope you enjoy it… Here’s to the “Yes!!!”

xox

Kimberly - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Hi Sheryl. This was beautiful and heartfelt — thank you.

My husband and I don’t have children of our own yet, but we are considering homeschooling/ unschooling them when we do. I’m a little nervous about how I can juggle homeschooling with my career (I’m a therapist and writer, too!), but I’m keepin’ the hope alive! And you are helping me do just that. :)

Lainie Liberti - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Beautifully spoken and from the heart. My name means freedom and I honor you & your family for living yours. Eloquently expressed and a wonderful read. My unschooled son & I have made the similar choices for the same reasons. We unschool because we too, believe in freedom.

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:57 pm

Kimberly: If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be juggling homeschooling two kids and working full time I never would have believed them. I’m not sure how it’s possible but it is – and it’s amazing! I just checked out your blog and LOVE what you’re writing about.

Lainie: Thank you for your lovely comment. It’s always wonderful to connect with other unschoolers, even if it’s virtually!

Amy - March 10, 2012 - 4:44 am

My son, 7, was a lover of learning, a self-professed scientist who was reading at a 4th grade level when he entered public kindergarten. Within a year and a half he completely rejected reading, wouldn’t do homework and had striking behavior changes which included defiance and angry outbreaks at home. We’ve been homeschooling for 3 months and my son is back again. It was such an amazing transformation and I cannot express the dramatic nature of this change (for the better). Your article completely resonates with me – thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

Sheryl Paul - March 10, 2012 - 6:26 pm

Congratulations on trusting what you were seeing and taking action to rectify it. I’m so glad your son is back!

It’s Like Arguing With a Three Year Old

My almost three year old is going through the “terrible twos.” I never fully understood that phrase as our older son seemed to skip over it, but now I get it: Asher is testing his boundaries and experimenting with his sense of power and control in the hopes of learning that he’s not the most powerful person in this house. The way it’s manifesting for him is that he’s trying to control everyone here. I’ll give you some examples:

He insists that everyone follow his regimen for getting dressed in the morning. In other words, if I put on my clothes before he does, he screams incessantly at me: “MOMMY, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR PAJAMAS BACK ON!” This can go on for half an hour. He’s tried the same demand on Everest but it didn’t go very far.
He has a specific order for how we turn

Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Sarah - February 22, 2012 - 7:53 am

What a wonderfully compassionate-yet-firm way of handling temper tantrums. The idea of children trying to control things has been on my mind lately. I don’t have children of my own, but I have some smaller piano students that, while they’re past the meltdown stage, still try and figure out who is in charge during a piano lesson. I think it’s awesome that you’re teaching him about boundaries, how to handle big emotions, and that these strong feelings don’t detract from your love. And also a great thought when related to anxiety. I often feel like my “inner child” needs to rage and cry and melt down a little. And when I let her do that, the storm passes a lot quicker than when I say “that’s ridiculous…settle down and get over it.” Thanks for the post!

Sheryl Paul - February 22, 2012 - 9:38 pm

Yes, Sarah, so much of the work with ourselves is learning to allow the thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them or resisting them, while remembering that we don’t have to be a victim to the thoughts and feelings!

Marisa - February 23, 2012 - 8:09 am

Whenever I read your posts, I instantly wish I had known about them 7 years ago, or had met someone like you that could have helped me see a little clearer through the darkness of the hole in which I was running around in circles. After my wishing is over, I feel deeply grateful for your presence on the web and in my life!

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 12:10 pm

Thank you, Marisa. Such kind words and I’m so glad you’ve found this now.

sarah - February 23, 2012 - 9:51 pm

sheryl, i think it’s great, too, that you’re also teaching him that you’re not afraid of his big feelings. not only is he learning that he can handle them, but also that you’ll still love him when it’s over, that you are that solid rock and source of stability when he’s feeling out of control. he’s so lucky to have you as a mother. :)
as i continue in my own healing process, i’m learning how much i wanted my parents to show up for me in that way and how they gave in to my demands. i can still feel that part of me that wishes they had said no (and then later, when i was engaged, how i wished J had said it), told me everything was going to be okay when i was scared, and set more firm boundaries. i, therefore, formed just another false belief: that i’m too much, so in order to be loved, i have to keep things small and to myself. as you know, i’m now learning to say those things to myself, but it’s helpful to know that of course it’s difficult when it hasn’t been modeled.

Sheryl Paul - February 23, 2012 - 10:44 pm

Thank you, Sarah. And I’m so lucky to have my boys as my greatest spiritual teachers! The belief of “I’m too much” is so common, especially when you’re highly sensitive and had parents who didn’t now how to reflect and contain your big feelings. Yes, it’s very difficult when it hasn’t been modeled, but you’re doing GREAT work on yourself and I have no doubt that you will heal the beliefs that are keeping you limited and small.

sarah - February 25, 2012 - 1:13 pm

thank you, sheryl. i feel so grateful to have you supporting and teaching me along this journey. i don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like without having gone through this amazing transformation. as hard as it’s been, i’m still thankful and feel so much stronger.

Leah - February 28, 2012 - 7:24 pm

Thank you. This was really timely for me. I’ve been letting my inner three year old, six year old, everyone, take over and giving into demands. My life is slowly spinning out (though at this point my inner adult is at least present enough to know I’ll get through this). Anyway, thanks again.

monique lusse - February 29, 2012 - 8:29 am

thanks, sheryl. i don’t have kids of my own, but i do have an 84-year-old mother who is in a remarkable similar place as your asher. i’m finding that what is true for a 3-year-old around loving boundries is also true for her. go figure!

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:39 am

That’s really interesting, Monique – and actually makes a lot of sense as people often become more childlike in the later part of life.

From Anxiety to Creativity/Spirituality

My clients and e-course members are some of the wisest, most compassionate, creative, kind, and loving people with whom I’ve ever come into contact. They’re interesting, intelligent, introspective, and curious. Are there any adjectives I’ve left out?! Oh, just one: they’re also the most anxious.

It’s an interesting paradox of life that opposites are often paired together : We cannot have daytime without night or light without darkness. Spring and summer cannot exist without autumn and winter. We cannot feel true joy without opening our hearts to pain, grief, and loss. And the multi-dimensional richness of human beings generally includes straddling the apparent opposites of the positive characteristics I’ve listed above with the darker territories of the human psyche.

And now I’m about the contradict myself: anxiety, instead of being a permanent state of psyche, is a doorway into deeper growth and expanded consciousness. In my younger years… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Janelle - January 24, 2012 - 8:08 pm

Love this! This is so true for me

“To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.”

I don’t have a middle ground, I have to be extremely content or very sad….I don’t have a middle ground. This is something that I continue to work on after the wedding : )

Ashley - January 25, 2012 - 7:30 am

oh Sheryl! this is BEAUTIFUL! your poem in particular. so soothing. so gentle. so accepting. thank you for the work you do and share with others.

sarah - January 25, 2012 - 7:38 pm

this is amazing. i was especially touched by your opening paragraph; it’s nice to be reminded of the light when the darkness can feel so consuming. i know i have so much to offer this world and that anxiety can easily get the best of me. but with your support, i’m learning that I’m not my anxiety. it’s great working with you. :)

Judy - January 27, 2012 - 8:12 am

Thank-you Sheryl again for a great article & I believe there are no mistakes in the world…many of us “sensitive” people are going through anxiety right now as the world shifts…making us feel even more vulnerable…I have been having this expereince for the past week or so….so your article had perfect timing.
I also agree that at least for me that when I am not creative I am clearly more anxious…nice to read about the correlations…
Thank-you …Namaste

Lizbeth - January 27, 2012 - 9:17 am

I agree completely with you Sheryl. I realized this summer that my creativity was my link to Source and the spiritual connection I had been seeking all my life. Now when I get up in the morning and go to sleep I feel a calmness I have never known before. Like you said, I often wake up with entire ideas implanted in my brain, or solutions to problems, or just comforting thoughts about setting my intentions for a joyful, productive, creative, and inspiring day.

Rather than stress about everything I NEED to do, I honor my feelings and take time to do what feels right. I do the things that feed my soul, and spark my creativity rather than shut it down….and I think it is making me a better person, parent, wife, friend…etc.

I am about to engage in a 7 week course in Kabbalah 101. I like what they are saying…am hoping it is going to keep me on track and provide me with “like-minded” people as I explore this deeper connection to myself and others.

Sheryl Paul - January 27, 2012 - 8:24 pm

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Liz, I love what you’ve shared here and I particularly look forward to hearing about your Kabbalah class!

Shannon Rose Watson - January 27, 2012 - 10:22 pm

Sheryl dear, Thank you so much for this post. Again you and your words come to me in the dead of night to inspire and encourage me to continue on my path. These words resonates so strongly for me and speaks to a younger version of myself as an artist, trapped in anxiety and fears that I remember, but no longer serve.

The first and last time we communicated was a year and a half ago when I responded about a post on transitions and moving. It was a very valuable exchange for me and it reinforced what I knew from my Waldorf training about story and laying the foundation for changes in a child’s life, to reach the child where they are at in their imagination. I was already telling oral stories to help prepare my daughter for the move and our correspondance further inspired me to create an actual book with a story and phots to document where her life had been and where we were going in her real life. It worked like magic and the transition went so smooth that friends around us still talk to us about how that was handled. And I have a book now, waiting in my creative projects to be created into a more general storybook for any child going through a move… with a song, poetry verse and storyline… one of many of my creative projects that are begging me to get to. I am getting back to you, to thank you for you sharing your family moving story with me, which helped further our own story with our daughter.

I am in the midst of a family baby moon right now and everything is precious with expansive and elastic time. I gave birth for the 2nd time on January 17th. And things are a.m.a.z.i.n.g. right now. Such a beautiful time with so many unexpected ripples and gifts and challenges and flow. Flow in life. In the beauty of the moment. And so so much love in my family bubble with our new baby daughter. And I am , as you know, in the midst of a huge transformation time… and your words come to me in between feedings, at a brief computer moment where I am checking for the first time in absolute days,… and I recognize a sister soul.

I am choosing to break this container of 40day retreat to touch in with you because your words have reached me for a purpose in this stage of my retreat and I want to honor that. I am an artist, Waldorf teacher, facilitator of retreats combining the arts with contemplative and communication practices,… and a proud proud Mama of a 3 yr old and a brand new baby girl bundle… who is between worlds right now landing each day a bit more to grace us with her beautiful presence and love. I have been waiting for a long while for the right timing for all of my passions to come together to offer in the world and through this first 10 days since the birth of my 2nd daughter I have had such amazing experiences and insights into my life, being, as you know, the most open to the flow of life as a woman can be at this moment, and have experienced healings and oh, so so many things.

I would like to speak with you from my cocoon, or after, at a point of your and mine convenience about what strikes me about yours and mine work and what I have been coming to realize in these last 10 powerful days of openness and pure state of what I am meant to be doing next.
Please contact me through my e-mail.

Looking forward to connecting again,
Warmly, Shannon

sunnyday - January 28, 2012 - 9:09 am

Wow! This is so true! Someone once told me that I am an anxious person because I am a creative person and that I should see my anxiety as a gift. It has taken time and work and now I do. I am always looking for new projects to tap into this creativity.

“I’m Scared to Love You Because I’m Scared You’re Going to Die”

My mother was in town last weekend to celebrate an early Thanksgiving. We had a lovely time and it filled my heart to see the way she delights in my boys and affirms our out-of-the-box parenting choices. Being of like mind and similar temperament, she and Everest have always had a special connection, but something seemed to cross over to a new level this trip. As he shared his passion for technology and she reveled in the workings of his mind, I could see Everest opening his heart to her fully. He taught her how to make a Bucky Ball cube, showed her his Perplexus 3D marble maze, and listened together to Jack and Annie traveling to Italy to apprentice under Leonardo da Vinci for a day in a Magic Treehouse audiobook. Grandma scratched his back as they lounged on the couch together and he relaxed completely into their bond.… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Shauna - November 29, 2011 - 2:37 pm

I love this post. You never cease to amaze me, Sheryl.

Just the other night, my man and I were playing the questions game (which really means we take turns asking questions of each other) and he asked me, “what scares you the most about moving forward in our life together?”. Because I was so happy in the moment, and because I love him so much, this question scared me because deep down, I am truly terrified of losing him.

He will be officially become a police officer in a few short months and everyone I tell, looks at me with these sad eyes and asks if I know what I am getting myself into. Of course, this only adds to my stress (and makes me what to SLAP them). I know “its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” or however it goes, but sometimes, it feels safer to not risk losing him by not trusting in us and our relationship.

Teri - November 29, 2011 - 3:24 pm

A powerful post. You have untangled the yarn. I wonder how many times I will read what I know to be true before it settles in my heart- for real.

Sheryl Paul - November 29, 2011 - 3:30 pm

And I wonder how many times I’ll write it before it settles into my deepest knowing… : )

Sheryl Paul - November 29, 2011 - 3:33 pm

Thank you, Shauna. It takes great courage to love no matter what the specific circumstances and yes, the safe route is not to risk loving at all. But life isn’t about being safe, is it? It’s opening learning to open our hearts as wide as they will go and inviting our dear loved ones to dive on in.

Dana Wilde - November 30, 2011 - 9:34 am

Thank you, Sheryl – This is beautiful! I also love knowing your mom, and how much she has been important to my own life, healing, and learning to be a loving adult. Due to getting so hurt by the adults as a tiny developing person (perhaps even starting in the womb), my heart’s been protected for so long — so learning to even recognize it, and to make new choices open my heart is still an ongoing challenge/journey for me, even with 10 years of Inner Bonding therapy under my belt. Forming loving attachments/bonds with adults/peers = new for me. Animals and children = easy :)

Yellow - December 1, 2011 - 10:38 am

I have enjoyed your posts immensely, Sheryl. I have to tell you that your website and insights have been key for me in figuring out the source of my fears surrounding my husband and marriage, fears which I agonized over since getting serious with him almost 10 years ago. I have spent so much time believing the lies that my fears have fabricated & suffering so much at the hands of those fears, and so seeing you articulate them and “call them out” has helped me very much. I loved the part in this post where you say, “he’s socially awkward, doesn’t have a good sense of humor,” etc…these are things that I have agonized over, personally. I am so blessed to read them and be reminded that other people go through this, and that nothing and nobody is perfect.

Sheryl Paul - December 1, 2011 - 10:56 am

Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to connect with animals and kids?! They can still hurt us (die) but somehow it feels more manageable.

Sheryl Paul - December 1, 2011 - 10:58 am

It’s always astonishing to me how infrequently we hear the truth in our culture about what people really struggle with in intimate relationships. We know that they can be hard, but we don’t really know why they’re hard and that the majority of it has to do with believing fear’s lies. I’m so glad you’ve found your way here and that the information has been helpful.

Nina - December 3, 2011 - 9:47 am

Shortly after meeting my son’s father, we were discussing a life together and he acted like a little kid “this can really happen to me?” he asked in amazement. Sure, I replied. Literally within hours of being thrilled that maybe, this was possible for him, his fear came up with so many reasons as to why it wouldn’t/couldn’t work. Then he’d go back and forth with maybe…no…yes…maybe…I got sooo sooo tired of trying to overcome them for him and convince him it was real and right, I just gave up and moved on. Sadly, his fear has also led him to not be a father because he refused to give up addictive and mental health issues that I didn’t want my child to be exposed to. Just the other day, after going through my son having surgery and other life changes I was thinking about him, how my son is FOUR and has never met him and thought “he is such a coward”

Its nice that you can be compassionate about it, me, I’m just mad, and disappointed, and find it hard to be understanding. I know about fear, I feel it all the time but really, if I let it dictate my actions I’d never get out of a little ball curled up in the corner…so I just go and do anyway. and amazing things happen.

Sheryl Paul - December 4, 2011 - 5:28 pm

Nina: I imagine that underneath your anger and resentment there’s a lot of grief, loneliness, and helplessness that he didn’t make a different choice and he allowed fear to dictate his actions. You can’t convince someone else that it’s right; it’s something they need to come to on their own. And the truth is that it’s really his loss as he’s missing out on the greatest gift of being a father, and that’s where the compassion comes in.

chantel - December 15, 2011 - 4:52 pm

i love your post. this gives me great comfort to know im not the only one. after my father leaving me when i was 8, intimate relationships with men has always been a problem for me. i am not with an amazing guy who is the man of my dreams. who treats me so well (after years of dating bad men) and sometimes i still get the feeling where i need to break up with him, or i find any reason under the sun as to why i shouldnt be with him.. but read your post comforts me in knowing that i shouldnt believe the fears lies … thank u

Voices of Anxiety: I’m Not Enough

Yesterday I took my sons to observe a Parkour class. I had never heard of Parkour until my husband pointed out that Everest has been doing it naturally around our house. I watched a few videos on it and thought, “Why not? Let’s give it a try.” It’s a street art that combines gymnastics, running, and leaping to create a Ninja-like, monkey-esque crazy amazing physical experience. My boys love watching it, are compelled to do it, and so it seemed like it could be a natural fit.

My current parenting motto is, “Go where the yes is.” I know there’s value in pushing even when there’s a “no”, and I do that as well at times, but for the most part I’m interested in supporting the stream of “yes” when I see it flowing in either of my boys. Sometimes it takes me a while to let go of my… Click here to continue reading…

View full post »

Bettina - October 19, 2011 - 3:28 pm

Sheryl, I LOVE that. Thank you so much. Your little boy seems to be very wise and intuitive. what a luck he has parents who give him the room for it and honour it.
Thank you for this post!
Bettina

Leisha - October 19, 2011 - 9:15 pm

Thank you as always for sharing your wisdom! Oddly,
I was part of a discussion on this very topic just last night! I definitely believe in the journey, but admittedly enjoy the recognition when I have achieved something I have worked hard at, although that’s not why I do things in the first place. Hmmm, so many thoughts on this matter for so many different facets of
life.

Emily - October 20, 2011 - 1:31 am

I just want to say thank you for this article. It was a blessing to me. Sometimes we need someone like you to remind us of our worthiness. Thifhelimbilu

alysonk - October 20, 2011 - 6:44 am

Love this. Grace is key! We need to stop being so hard on others and on ourselves. It’s an endless cycle.

Sheryl, your wisdom is inspiring and so helpful. Thank you for these posts!

Sheryl Paul - October 20, 2011 - 11:00 am

It’s wonderful to receive recognition for your achievements. The problem arises when your self-worth is linked to receiving the recognition instead of connected to your intrinsic worthiness. It sounds like your motivation to achieve is arising from a natural and authentic place inside of you!

Katie Abalos - October 20, 2011 - 3:23 pm

Thank you Sheryl for your wonderful post, it made my day reminding me of something that’s usually forgotten! :)

Carole - October 22, 2011 - 10:26 am

Thanks for this post, Sheryl! I can relate to the feeling of now what after graduation and marriage. Learning that I am worthy just as I am is a growing theme in my life lately. Thanks for this!

Sheryl Paul - October 22, 2011 - 7:13 pm

You’re welcome!

Sopotito - October 25, 2011 - 4:03 pm

Thank you for these wise words. I hope I could learn how to put them into practice in my life.

You descibe very accurately the situation in which I find myself at the moment, not having any idea who I am separate from my externals after graduation, in my thirties (after the official “identity searching” years should already be over), having entered a serious relationship which is getting more serious all the time… I realize I have been concerned just about “what I do” and have no clue whatsoever about “what I am”. And it’s also been very much about “what I should or have to do” and not about “what I want to do or feel like doing”.

I’ve lost track of who I am so completely I don’t even know where to start looking. I’ve been to a counselor all these years but could never really connect with her. As I felt it did not help me at all I stopped going there about two years ago. Now I’m on my own, endlessly questioning everything I’ve done so far and everything I do or plan doing next, which doesn’t help me at all to find out who I really am, instead it just makes me more anxious.

I hope I had someone around like your son has you, someone who understands and supports. Still I feel lucky that I’ve found your blog and your writings, which give me comfort and new ideas. Thank you.

Sheryl Paul - October 25, 2011 - 8:28 pm

I’m so glad you found your way here. Most people grow up and have no idea who they are because their core essence was never reflected back to them. While it’s important to grieve this lack of reflection and guidance, the good news is that it’s entirely possible to discover who you are and learn how to make decisions when you develop the Loving Adult that you never had as a child. This is what I teach in my counseling practice through Inner Bonding, and if you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to head over to innerbonding.com to check out this powerful and highly effective self-healing process.

Sopotito - November 13, 2011 - 4:02 am

Thank you very much for your reply. Fortunately I’ve found my way to the innerbonding.com website through your blog and am slowly trying to start working on this.

Reading your blog and the articles in the innerbonding.com website have been a great start, thank you. Unfrotunately there’s so much more going on in life all the time, that it’s difficult to find the time to dig deep in these issues, but I’m struggling because I know I really need to work on this.

Sheryl Paul - November 13, 2011 - 4:14 pm

I know that life is busy, but saying “I don’t have time to connect inward” is like saying to a young child, “I know you need me, but I will only carve out time when it’s convenient.” Life doesn’t work that way, and if you think of your Inner Child like an actual child, it may inspire you to make more time for her even when life takes over!