Category Archives: Retirement/Grandparent

The Fear of Aging

During my search for new recipes for my little vegetarian son (who declared he was a vegetarian about nine months ago; you can read about it here), I stumbled upon a beautiful and inspiring book called, Healthy at 100, by John Robbins (author of Diet for a New America). As my current life affords scant time for the luxury of reading, the book sat around the house in a variety of locations for a couple of weeks. But a few days ago something urged me toward the book, and even though work and kids called as always, I picked it up and started to read.

There are some books that draw you in from page one. They speak to an inner place of struggle or inquiry, loss or longing. The author manages to write the words that you didn’t know how to speak, thereby naming your experience and… Click here to continue reading…

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Pilar - January 25, 2011 - 2:24 am

As usual, your text connects with something crucial I am going through. I am going to turn 45 next month and I was precisely thinking about how we women feel more the pressure to remain young. I was angry about opposing the passing of time. I love getting older! Every year in my life has been better than the former one, because I have gained wisdom, serenity, peace, respect for myself. I have learnt to accept my body and myself more and more. I have learnt to be happier over time and I expect to experience the same over and over…just if I am able to ignore the predominant social discurse about ageing (specially for female ageing). Thank you for raising this topic.

Sheryl Paul - January 25, 2011 - 10:54 am

Yes, Pilar, Robbins talks specifically about how the fear of aging affects women. It’s primarily women that undergo vast amounts of plastic surgery (do men ever get a facelift) and the images of women trying to stay young and avoid aging are everywhere. Thanks for sharing your experience and helping to raise the consciousness about this important topic.

Nina - January 25, 2011 - 8:25 pm

great post. I have been thinking of this lately. I’ve been collecting quotes and my thoughts to put into pictures and I recently thought (not new but it really struck me) “I decide my happiness” and then today I read this post – http://www.happierkidsnow.com/blog/parenting/do-you-believe-parenting-is-difficult/#more-425 and it reinforced my thinking. I’m also reading positive parenting and that really reinforces it too…great mindset change…says she who just dyed her grays away last night ;)

Helen - January 28, 2011 - 10:26 pm

I too have been thinking about this alot. My son turned 5, I turned 31 and my Grandmother being firmly in her 80s and far away from me has all bought aging into the forefront of my mind. It is something I really worry about and something that is really challenging me. Thankyou for this.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 11:04 am

From Proverbs: “The glory of young men is their strength, but the SPLENDOR of old men is their gray hair.”

Splendor! Think about that for a moment. :)

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:08 am

LOVE IT!

Sheryl Paul - February 8, 2011 - 11:09 am

But notice that it’s the splendor of MEN. For men, gray hair is considered distinguished and handsome, but there’s still so much stigma and judgement about women’s gray hair.

Amy - February 8, 2011 - 12:11 pm

True, Sheryl, but I took the proverb to be applicable to both, as there are other proverbs that praise gray hair in general. I don’t think the ancients had the anxieties about it that we do.

I’ll never forget meeting a Chinese man years ago, an exchange teacher at my school, who said he couldn’t wait to be called “Old Pan” (his last name being “Pan”). Such a radically different view of aging in Asian culture.

Joy - February 28, 2011 - 12:00 am

As a child I was fortunate enough to have my great-grandparents as well as my grandparents available to me. One of my great- grandmothers lived within walking distance and I made that walk frequently. It may have been because my father was a Native American that the respect and admiration for the elderly was instilled in me but whatever the reason, I remember feeling that I could learn from these people. I spent many hours just hanging out with my great-grandmother listening to her stories and learning some basic cooking and household skills along the way. I never felt bored with her company, or many of the other elderly people in my family or my extended ‘family’. I still had plenty of time to play with my friends, do other things and spend time by myself.

All through my life I have listened to, and learned from, older people. Some of them ‘talk through their hats’ so to speak, but many have gained wisdom over the years and are definitely worth listening to. (Just because you are old does not mean instant wisdom. If you never really matured mentally, and I think some people don’t, then you aren’t going to magically change in old age.)

Now I am an elder at 63 and counting. I am sad at the state of our society (mostly brought about by advertising and a lack of parents instilling respect in their kids). Spending time with Grandma or Grandpa just to hang out is not too popular these days.

People themselves fall into the trap of being ‘old’. Just go to any high school reunion after you’re 40 or so and look around. Some people have hardly changed and others look like they have fast forwarded to 80. What’s the difference? Talk to them and you’ll know right away. The younger looking ones relish life and the older looking ones have practically given it up! They think they are ‘supposed’ to look and act the way they do. They are ‘supposed’ to have all kinds of aches and pains and ailments and they are looking forward to more and more serious ones!

I’m a ‘boomer’ and we are changing the idea of when it is you get ‘old’. All well and good, but it would be nice to add some respect for age in there too. I have lived through the extended family as a norm and the break up of that through corporate moves. The lesson there is that extended family worked far better for everyone. I’m sure those Russians are not living in isolation from the younger generations of their families.

Point being, I guess, is that it was society that changed and it can change again. It’s up to us, the adults, to do that. It only takes learning from the elders and then instilling that in our kids. How do YOU want to be treated when you are an elder? Think about it, picture yourself there and then get going. Start valuing your own elders and teaching your children to also. Then YOU might get some respect in your old age!

Sheryl Paul - March 1, 2011 - 6:47 am

How blessed you were to grow up with your great-grandmother within walking distance! There’s no doubt that affected your positive view of elders.

Slowing Down Into Retirement

A woman named Erin from Ann Arbor, MI recently sent me the following email:

“I am currently helping listening to my mom as she struggles with approaching retirement and redefining herself as retired woman/grandmother/etc. I would love to hear your thoughts on your blog or wherever about this transition… It is so surprising to me how similar her sadness, mourning, and life reflections are to what I went through during my engagement. I’ve been translating your work and recommendations for her to address the retirement transition and it’s provided a great deal of comfort to her.”

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