Category Archives: Rituals and Symbols

Summer Solstice 2011

One of the things that disturbs me about blogging, scrapbooking, and photography in general is that, more often than not, it presents a skewed perspective of  life. When documenting our lives, we tend to include the beautiful moments, that one precious second when a child smiled, even if it was bookended by tantrums and meltdowns. While it’s lovely to preserve life’s beauty, when that’s the only snapshot we present, we participate in perpetuating the rampant fantasy in this culture that everyone else’s life is greener than ours.

A few months ago, I received an email from someone thanking me for my work. At the end of the email she said something like, “I love seeing your family in your blog. It seems like you have the perfect family.” I almost fell over, and immediately called one of my closest friends to ask, “Is this the image I’m presenting of my family?”… Click here to continue reading…

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Amy - June 23, 2011 - 8:15 pm

These tales can be perfect: prefectly frank, perfectly original, perfectly Sheryl loving herself and her family

Sheryl Paul - June 23, 2011 - 9:27 pm

What a perfectly lovely comment; thank you : ) I have a charge around the word “perfect” because of how much trouble it causes in the wedding industry – and in our mainstream culture in general – but overall life could be seen as perfect in its imperfections, where there are really no mistakes, only learning.

cynthia - June 24, 2011 - 7:36 am

this article highlights for me the difficult time I have ‘letting go’. Of people, seasons, family gatherings, playbills. in fact, sometimes i’m so focused on the impending separation that i don’t enjoy the gathering! in the past few weeks i’ve been cleaning drawers and closets and notice that i have a lot of archived moments and continue to struggle with parting with clothing or objects that remind me of a special memory. the idea of honoring the experience, awakening to the vulnerability that it calls forth and reverently releasing offers a new way of being. thank you, sheryl.

Kathleen - June 24, 2011 - 7:42 am

As I was reading your blog yesterday, I couldn’t help but feel that the email you were describing was a little bit too familiar. Turns out, I was the one who emailed you about your work and your “perfect” family! I had emailed you for advice just before I was about to get married, graduate from grad school, become a step-mom, move, leave a job that I loved, and start a new job in a field that is completely new to me- all of this in one month- talk about transitions! I was terrified and feeling a million different emotions. Reading your blogs, hearing you speak in your video clips, and reading your book has always made me feel like my feelings are normal and that it’s ok to feel a bit terrified of the unknown. Not only do I love reading your blogs because of the advice that you give, but I also like reading about your family life. Looking back, “perfect” may not have been the right word, because you’re right, there is no such thing as a “perfect” family, “perfect” relationship, or “perfect” person. I think a better way of explaining what I meant by “perfect” is that your writing really portrays how much you love, appreciate, and cherish your family and the time that you share with one another. Coming from a “broken” family, that wasn’t always very loving, I admire the life that you and your husband have created. I know that marriage and raising children are both very large responsibilities, that take a lot of work, but at the end of the day, I feel that you know what’s important in life- your marriage, your family, and your husband and children’s well-being. I think that is wonderful! Thanks for sharing your life, the struggles and the happy times, with us, Sheryl!

Sheryl Paul - June 24, 2011 - 8:06 am

Cynthia – Oh my goodness, we ALL have trouble letting go! But I do think some people have more trouble than others – usually the more sensitive among us and those that are connected to the loss aspect of life. I’ve written quite a bit about my son’s challenges with letting go and his fears of death (connected, I do believe), and I can just him growing up to have drawers full of playbills! One of the secrets to being able to participate fully in the joy of the moment is to also make room for the loss – and to remind yourself (your Inner Child) that when the gathering is over you will make time and space to attend to her feelings of loss. Allowing for the loss allows for the joy, and the converse is true: when you limit a full expression of loss, the joy is limited as well. I wrote about it here:

http://conscious-transitions.com/grief-and-joy-live-in-the-same-chamber-of-the-heart/

Sheryl Paul - June 24, 2011 - 8:08 am

Thank you, Kathleen. This is such a lovely comment and brings a smile to my whole being. I’m so grateful to express our joys and challenges here and to know that it provides inspiration to others. Thank you for clarifying what you meant by the word “perfect”. That makes perfect sense : ) And congratulations on taking all of your leaps. Wow, that’s a lot all at once! But not only did you do it, you did it with courage and grace. Bravo!

Nina - June 28, 2011 - 9:59 pm

I’ve never done a solstice celebration, perhaps next year. seems like a good thing to do.

I find it funny when people look at pictures I post and say my son looks like such a happy child. not that he isn’t, for the most part, but with today’s digital cameras and picking what we post, we can all create an image-impression of what we would like rather than what really is. sometimes that isn’t a bad thing as it helps us move toward that. I was just commenting to a friend a few weeks ago how much different our childhood memories of pictures are then nowadays…the closed eyes, goofy faces, etc…and we didn’t know for weeks…or years however long it took them to be developed right? now we want perfect pictures instantly and don’t appreciate children being themselves – making goofy faces etc…wonder how that will affect us all long term.

Sheryl Paul - June 29, 2011 - 9:40 pm

I wonder the same thing, Nina. We can so easily discard the slightly “imperfect” photos that we’re creating a glossy memory bank for our kids.

Spring Equinox

At each equinox and solstice, my family creates a ritual that facilitates sending prayers of release and rebirth on the wings of the change of seasons. Seasons, like dusk, dawn, and all major life transitions, are portals where the ordinary barriers that separate us from our deepest intuition and highest nature are softened. They’re times when we’re offered windows of clarity into areas inside of ourselves that need attention. When we shine the light of consciousness on these areas, we can concretize them in the form of ritual and thus inspire profound and sometimes magical layers of change to occur.

A ritual is anything that inspires this process of acknowledging the areas of tightness and asking for help with enlivening the areas we would like to accentuate. Rituals often draw upon the four elements – earth, air, fire, and water – and they often include prayers of some kind. But,… Click here to continue reading…

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Wedding Ritual

I received an inspiring email from a woman with whom I worked prior to her wedding in 2010. A few weeks ago she emailed me to say, “I just wanted to thank you for all your help, through the blog and the session. The wedding was magical and, just as you mentioned, the energy and love that we felt from family and friends lifted us through the event like we were on a cloud.” She proceeded to share with me the details of the ritual that occurred the night before her wedding, and I was so moved that I asked if she would share the story here. I’m grateful that she agreed, as I receive emails frequently from people who are searching for conscious ways to create meaningful wedding, and there’s nothing like a first-person account to inspire your own creative celebrations.

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I wanted to share a bit… Click here to continue reading…

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Ways to Challenge Fear

There are many ways to battle fear – from breathing techniques to working with your thoughts. But one of the most effective is taking action that says “no” to fear and “yes” to love and faith.

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Marie - January 17, 2011 - 5:32 pm

Hi, from New Zealand, fear is not easy to overcome, I have found positive affirmations to work well for me, cheers Marie

Heathre - January 19, 2011 - 4:04 pm

I recommend The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

GmJersey - January 21, 2011 - 7:37 am

Sheryl thank you for this post. When I read the part about the ziplining I cried again. Its funny but after that jump, I’ve done other things that where “out of character” And it got me thinking , why am I always scared to do things? Its not only that I think I’ll get hurt but I am also terrified of failing. For example, after the ziplining I went surfing. The whole day before I kept telling my fiance I was going to skip it. I didn’t tell him why but in my head all I thought was, I’m not going to be able to stand up! The fear of trying it and failing was so strong it almost made me not try it at all. Anywho, I gathered up my courage and granted having my closet 4 friends trying it with me def. helped but I took the lesson and guess what? I stood up on the board!! For maybe 2 seconds and on one leg but I STOOD UP!!! I was so proud of me. I’m sure if I take more lessons the better I will get. Maybe in a way that’s how marriage will be. Something completely new, where I have so many fears because its something I’ve never done before, but with practice I will get better and hopefully be a great wife!

Sheryl Paul - January 21, 2011 - 8:35 am

Yes! That’s exactly what it’s like with marriage. You start out with fear and a good dose of faith and you jump off the cliff and trust that your parachute will open. Also, it seems that almost everyone who comes to me is a perfectionist, which means that the fear of failure is quite strong. It’s great that you’re making this connection and working with it through ACTION during your engagement.

Cori - January 21, 2011 - 8:36 am

GM – i love the comparison you made with the surfing and marriage! thinking of it that way takes so much pressure off of us anxious folks. If we go into it thinking our marriage has to be perfect our anxiety will increase ten-fold. I love thinking of it as practice makes perfect. It will be hard, but the more work we put into our marriage and commitment and the more we make mistakes and learn from them, the better our marriage will get and the better spouses we will become. i like it :)

elisa - February 22, 2011 - 8:14 pm

Can anyone comment on the possibility of reconciliation of a broken relationship?

KD - February 23, 2011 - 2:50 pm

Elisa,
I guess it all depends upon the circumstances, but I do know of a few people who have been able to reconcile, even under some seriously bad circumstances.

For instance, friends of mine, we’ll call them E & C. E & C began dating in college for 1.5 years. They started to grow apart due to immaturity and C’s fear of serious commitment. C then left E for another girl. E was distraught, but was able to distance herself and enjoy her college experience, making new friends, figuring out who she was, and letting go of the pain C had caused. By the end of college, E & C re-entered each other’s lives. E was able to forgive C for his actions, and C in turn has proven himself a committed and trustworthy partner. They have been going strong for the past 3.5 years.

I guess it depends on what sort of reconciliation you’re looking for. Can you truly let go of past hurt, can you fully embrace the new relationship?

Shauna - December 20, 2011 - 8:50 am

Every time I am feeling anxious, I manage to find support and calm at this website. Thank you so much.

This post reminded me of a documentary I just watched about rock climbing. The entire time I was thinking, “These men are crazy”, but I also wished I was braver and went out of my comfort zone more often. This post made me realize how much fear has a hold of me, in life and in love.

Sheryl Paul - December 20, 2011 - 11:03 am

Yes, Shauna, and more and more I realize that it’s really through positive action and ritual that we break down fear’s stronghold. We can talk all we want about it but eventually we have to say “no” to fear, which happens most effectively through action.

Friday Favorite Quote

A few months ago, a reader pointed me to a fabulous book called “Crossroads: The Quest for Contemporary Rites of Passage.” Based on the title alone, I knew I had to buy it immediately, and it’s since been a source of inspiration and guidance. As we move into the weekend which invites a slower pace and an opportunity to drop down into yourself, I’d like to share a few pages of the book with you for today’s quote. It’s from an essay by Malidoma Some called “Ritual, the Sacred, and Community.”

“I believe that one of the differences between the modern industrial world and the indigenous world has mostly to do with speed – and not with whether one world needs to have ritual and the other doesn’t. Speed takes toll on our attention by weakening our vigilance. By doing so it endangers the person in speed.… Click here to continue reading…

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The One True Constant

My dear friend, Elaine Hall of The Miracle Project, connected Diane and I several weeks ago, and I’m so glad she did! Diane leads “Magic of Mandala” workshops in Los Angeles which, as she explains in this post, utilize the age-old power of mandala-making to assist people in accessing their subconscious and their true self. I’ve often talked about making mandalas as a powerful ritual that can be utilized for all of life’s transitions and I’m thrilled to have a place to send people who are interested in exploring this art further.

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Each one of us is a work in progress. In a physical and spiritual sense we are in a constant metamorphosis. Some changes are micro and some are macro, some internal others external. Our very existence is a perpetual transition. Much of this goes on quite quietly and uneventfully, but sometimes we get a… Click here to continue reading…

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Carrie Pure - September 20, 2010 - 10:55 am

Sheryl, I found this post very interesting. I have been traveling through my own life transitions lately. The other day I found myself cutting images and words out of magazines. I had no real intention for doing this other than I wanted to find a way to express myself through art some how. After reading this article, I know exactly what I’m going to do with all those pieces I cut out! I’m going to make a mandala. It’s funny how your spirit leads you to exactly what you need to do even if you aren’t conscious of it at the time.

admin - September 20, 2010 - 12:37 pm

Very well said – spirit certainly does lead us when we’re willing to listen and follow.

Diane Doyle - September 22, 2010 - 4:31 pm

Carrie,
Your spirit has something to say. How wonderful that you heard it and are creating a mandala to reveal that message. Remember too that you can continue to add new images to your mandala as your transitions unfold.
Enjoy the process!

Walking the Labyrinth: A Birthday Ritual

“Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.”

- Caroline Adams

Birthdays are often a time of year when I yearn for an ancient spiritual community who can guide me or those around me through the rituals that they’ve enacted for thousands of years. The traditional American birthday rituals  - opening presents, having a party with balloons and cake – is fun for kids but in and… Click here to continue reading…

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Everest Turns 7 » Conscious Transitions - August 9, 2011 - 10:23 pm

[...] I will encourage him to approach this transition just as we approach every other family ritual – to let go of the unwanted behaviors and call in the skills that need bolstering – and [...]

A Few Words on the Word "Ritual"

In response to my recent post on moving, I received several emails and comments on the Inner Bonding site about my suggestion to implement a ritual as a way to concretize the feelings activated by a move. While the person writing was open to the idea of a ritual, they all said that they had a hard time imagining suggesting the idea to others because it sounded to “hooey-wooey”. This is fascinating to me because the word connotes the antithesis of hooey-wooey in my mind; for me, it evokes grounding and connecting in a way that people have grounded and connected for thousands of years.

A ritual is, quite simply, any act that is done with intention. A ritual can also be an automatic act that is empty, like shaking hands when you first meet someone. You may not want to shake hands and there may not be… Click here to continue reading…

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Anna - July 21, 2010 - 2:14 pm

I think the connotation of the word “ritual” trips people up. It certainly did when I was engaged and freaking out… what was meant by “ritual?” Did I have to burn all of my photos of my ex boyfriends? Take a trip with single girlfriends? Go home? I didn’t really know…

*Now* I know that it’s different for everyone; for me, when I go through a transition, I know that my ritual is taking time to grieve and allowing myself to address feelings of sadness and loss. Whether that’s having a good cry fest, or journaling, or having a really good in-depth conversation about it with my husband, I’ve come to see it’s certainly is an integral part of moving through the transition. When I don’t take the time to do these things, I am way anxious and resist the transition.

Sheryl Paul - July 21, 2010 - 2:32 pm

That’s very interesting, Anna. To me, it only connotes something ancient and archetypal, perhaps a word that Jung might use when referring to transitions. But yes, it is different for everyone, and certainly doesn’t mean you have to do something you’re uncomfortable with. I think where it really comes up around transitions like getting married and having a baby is around the showers, where someone might say, “Hmmm, pin the tail on the ex-boyfriend…? Not really meaningful to me. Hmmm.. strippers in Las Vegas? Not exactly how I want to ritualize my transition from bachelor to husband.” So I’m offering alternatives here, and also saying that rituals of every sort can and should be utilized for other transitions if it helps the person grieve, talk, address the difficult feelings that arise.

Marni Rothman - July 22, 2010 - 2:36 am

I love the idea of ritual and have practiced rituals on my own for years. Because I have moved so many times, and was not raised in a religious community, I have celebrated holidays from my Jewish heritage on my own, and because I was alone, I had the freedom to make these rituals personal and incorporate my own prayers and mediation. When I got engaged a few years ago to my (now) husband, I was nervous about continuing my spiritual practice with him and my new step-daughter. I was afraid they would think my rituals too ‘hooey-wooey’, or that I was ‘too religious’ in our seemingly highly secular world. But, as my sister told me, ‘Don’t be afraid to be head rabbi [in your own home]!’ So I took a deep breath (and still do each time) and dove in. From our home seder to to weekly Shabbat to our originally-written wedding ceremony, I’ve found that our ‘own’ rituals (giving our own creative flair to them) have been a grounding and bonding exercise for our blended family. And, from what I’ve seen, kids love ritual! Our daughter seems to really enjoy helping to set the stage, having her own candle, and having a moment to reflect with family and add words and prayers of her own in a non-judgemental space. It is also something we do together that is a much-needed break from a technological, commerce-saturated world. To sum, I was nervous to try it, but I think it’s well-worth the effort.

Sheryl Paul - July 22, 2010 - 11:03 am

That’s beautiful, Marni. Thanks for sharing. I, too, believe that kids not only respond positively to rituals but actually crave and need them in their lives.

Anna (ChristmasBride) - July 23, 2010 - 2:01 pm

I completely agree Sheryl (that’s pretty much what I was trying to get across, only you said it much better! :) When we consider what common rituals are, like playing baby shower games or that whole bachelorette party thing, oftentimes those rituals aren’t exactly the ones that allow us to let go and move forward from whatever it is that’s holding us back. I know for me, the bachelorette party was an uneasy and anxiety-provoking experience because it indeed was this ritual that every bride goes through and you are expected to feel a certain way as you say goodbye to singlehood… and yet I remember thinking it would be more meaningful if I could have just done anything that allowed me to bond with my girlfriends.

Shauna - December 20, 2011 - 8:58 am

Sheryl,

Could you comment more on wedding rituals? For example, I would love to take part in a pre-wedding ritual with all of the important women in my life, but am not sure how to go about doing this or what should be included (obviously that varies from person to person)? What are some examples that you know of?

Also, in terms of rituals, if anyone is looking for a WONDERFUL and easy read book that highlights the amazing and healing rituals of the past, I greatly recommend “The Red Tent”. It is a wonderful book that always makes me feel honored to be a woman.

Sheryl Paul - December 20, 2011 - 10:35 am

Shauna – You can find my posts on meaningful wedding rituals here:
http://conscious-transitions.com/category/rituals-and-symbols/page/2/
and here:
http://conscious-transitions.com/wedding-ritual/

The Red Tent is one of my all-time favorite books EVER!