Category Archives: Transitions – General

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Oprah Says, “Doubt Means Don’t”…Or Does She?

Posted in Anxiety, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

I just spoke to a client who needed some reassurance that she wasn’t making a mistake in marrying her loving, caring, passionate, open, honest partner with whom she shares core values and is aligned in terms of life goals. Given that list of qualities about her clearly healthy relationship, how could this be a mistake? It couldn’t, but in a culture that says “doubt means don’t”, any valid questioning and expression of healthy fears about making the biggest commitment of one’s life are immediately interpreted as signs of a mistake.

For the anxious mind, doubt is inevitable. For the mind that examines every decision under the highest resolution microscope possible, that asks important questions like, “How do I know that I love him? What is real love anyway? How do I know that we’re not going too end up like my parents or as part of the 50% divorce statistic?”,… Click here to continue reading…

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30 comments

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StephanieG - April 24, 2012 - 8:34 am

Love this post. Although, I must say this line definitely spiked me – Or is it an indication that you’re marrying for the wrong reasons (because you’re trying to please others) or that there’s a real, glaring, red-flag in the relationship that needs your attention?. But, I guess it may spike a lot of us…

Sheryl Paul - April 24, 2012 - 8:58 am

What spiked you about that? That’s clearly not your situation, Stephanie!

StephanieG - April 24, 2012 - 9:10 am

I guess the part of trying to please others….it stirred up at “what if this feels wrong and I am just doing it because all of my friends and family think it’s right?”

Adelina - April 24, 2012 - 9:41 am

I’m addicted to this blog!What a great piece for today.I’ve just started to see a bit more clearly but I’m almost scared to jinx the blessing of a clear mind after the chaos of the past 2 months…I have a serious problem with the concept of marriage(mainly because of my past) and have struggled with the idea of what it means and understand that it does not equate to boredom,lack of passion of getting ‘sick of each other’.I wish I could just reinvent my true self…

KD - April 24, 2012 - 1:31 pm

Love her or not, I generally love the message that Oprah brings. However, I know ‘Doubt means don’t’ is one she’s used on multiple occasions and I learned that this was something I disagreed with Oprah about after battling my fears.

Thanks for clarifying it and giving a deeper meaning than just taking it out of context. It’s hard to believe that doubt can actually be blessing, forcing you to look deeper within yourself to find that nugget of truth. Or just find strength.

I’m considering moving to the big city – NYC – and I am very apprehensive to leave my comfort zone. Do I have doubts? You better believe it! But, also, I trust that I won’t fail. Even the worst case scenario is something I can handle. I’ll learn from it, doubts or not.

KK - April 24, 2012 - 1:34 pm

I have to agree with Stephanie, it caused me to spike too, but then again anything that says “This is a red flag if” causes me to think “Oh my gosh what if I’m like that?” I think someone posted on here once that it’s very easy (especially if you’re prone to anxiety) to find yourself in self doubt when you read about what things are bad and why you shouldn’t be with who you’re with. I think it’s a sign that if you have this anxiety about even reading these things that it’s safe to say the problem isn’t in the relationship but within you. It was also nice to hear from the woman in the audience about her experience. We live in a society where everyone says if it’s not perfect pitch it out, if you’re doubting anything get rid of it or go the other way. I know for me it’s so hard to even watch TV or movies anymore, but I’m glad I’m starting to learn and see the truth and recognize that it’s okay if you’re doubting.

Sophie - April 24, 2012 - 1:42 pm

A great post Sheryl, and it comes at a great time. Thank you for clarifying the ‘doubt means don’t’ message in context. Very very helpful! This article is something I can come back to and remind myself when I’m feeling anxious.

Sheryl Paul - April 24, 2012 - 1:46 pm

Stephanie: I can see how this would spike you. Let me clarify. There’s a subtle but crucial distinction between trusting how others see your partner when your fear is clouding your perception and staying with someone to PLEASE others or because it’s what they want but not what you want. It’s clear with you that you want to be with your partner, but you want anxiety and fear to get out of the driver’s seat! Do you see the distinction?

KD: Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Much appreciated, as always…!

Meg - April 24, 2012 - 1:56 pm

I absolutely love this post. Posts like this make me feel so “normal” when I read them! I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years now. He is such a great guy. Smart, handsome, funny, and super driven. But for some reason…my “anxiety prone” ways always leads me to the “what ifs” – what if we aren’t right for each other…what if there is someone better…am I settling..and the list goes on. This is why I am terrified to get married! Bc I am afraid of failing at this marriage/engagement, and it hasn’t even happened yet. And I do wonder also…am I with him bc everyone else thinks we are so great? But… when I am not anxious, and I see things clearly..I think “of course I want to marry this guy! I would be a fool not to!”…but sure enough, the doubts come rushing back in no time..and the cycle continues. I’ve also read a lot on ROCD – “relationshhip OCD” all very helpful. Thanks, Sheryl for all that you do! Keep it up!

Sarah - April 24, 2012 - 2:12 pm

To the ladies remarking on the “spike” at reading the line about pleasing others: I could tell as I read it, that that line would have spiked my anxiety as well when I was anxiously engaged. I think it was a pretty big fear because I DO see a lot in myself that is prone to people pleasing/going along with things just to keep from making waves. But what I realized as I read it was that, while I could identify it as something that had anxiety potential, I could also immediately spot the “what if’s” and recall how much love and connection I share with my husband. There are days when I still struggle with this, but it’s so cool to see how working through these things and learning to dialogue with your anxious self really does lead to more clarity. As always, thankful I follow this blog and am able to benefit from so much wisdom (both Sheryl’s and all the people that comment! I learn a lot from comments too!)

parrot - April 24, 2012 - 2:21 pm

I also spiked a bit at that line. For me it was more that my fear hadn’t thought of that possibility yet and immediately pounced on it! In the beginning of my anxiety I started asking people for re-assurance for if they thought he was a good marriage match for me (they all said yes but I was never satisfied) and so now fear is telling me that by doing that, I am now marrying only to please them. However, I am able to find that thought humourous, because I am “hearing” it but not “listening” to that thought and I realize how ridiculous it is.

I really, really, really, hate the line “doubt means don’t” and I have many scenarios in my life where I have a counter-example for that! I think now, every time I see that line I will link them this article!

Blm5126 - April 24, 2012 - 2:36 pm

I’m glad I’m not the only one who spiked at that line. My issue is that the psychiatrist I saw briefly was convinced that I was only marrying my fiance because everyone was telling me that he is a good choice and the psychiatrist hated the fact that everyone was telling me that this is about me and not giving any credit to the idea that maybe it really was all about my fiance. That idea of doing it to please others is a sensitive spot for me now, even though I know I am not doing it just to please everyone. I am not so much of a pushover or people-pleaser that I would put myself in a position to marry someone when I knew deep down it wasn’t what I wanted. I would NEVER do that. So anyway, soft spot, but I was able to address the spike from a rational, core place.

Victoria - April 24, 2012 - 3:33 pm

Wow, this was an eye-opener for me… Having lived with an anxious mind pretty much all my life, I’ve often wondered why I struggle so much with decision making… and to hear that
“… if you’re prone to anxiety, you’ll never arrive at 100% certainty (about anything).” …

this just opens up my world!!!! I don’t have to be 100% certain!! What a load off! I just need to have a bit more faith, and take a leap!!

Krista - April 24, 2012 - 4:20 pm

Loved this one Sheryl. I pop in every once in awhile to read your articles (I’ve been married for 6 months now!) and feel more balanced each time I return to your site.

My anxiety still shows up now and then, but overall, how I feel today was definitely worth the darkness I experienced during my engagement. Much love.

StephanieG - April 24, 2012 - 4:27 pm

Thanks, Sheryl. Yes, I understand what you mean. It’s tough though – I can hear my wounded self kicking in even reading your distinction saying “that’s not true….”

Sheryl Paul - April 24, 2012 - 5:43 pm

And that’s exactly what the Wounded Self does, Stephanie: it zeroes in on the one phrase in the article that’s spike-provoking and hangs its hat there as if to say, “See, you’re making a mistake. Time to walk away!” I encourage all of you who were spiked by the article to read it a few more times and take in the overall message. Also, be sure to watch the video segment and digest this woman’s message, which is that even if you’re marrying with massive doubts and possibly for the “wrong reason”, but you’re marrying a good guy with character, marriage carries the possibility for transformation, not only for you but for the partnership.

LaToya - April 25, 2012 - 2:08 pm

Sheryl I wanted to say that I was searching online about how to deal with anxiety and came across this blog. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and he has voiced to me that I am the woman that he wants to marry! He is such a great guy and has all the qualities I have prayed for in a man. I know that God has truly blessed me. But ever since he has told me that he wants to marry me, that is when the doubt started to come in and a massive amount of stress! I know that I love him and want to to marry him but the thoughts keep coming back. Once I read the article it brought tears to my eyes, because I felt like this was for me and it opened my eyes to what I have been feeling. I did want to ask how do I continue to cope with this issue because some days I am good and other days I feel so defeated.

LaToya - April 25, 2012 - 2:21 pm

Sheryl I wanted to say that I was searching online about how to deal with anxiety and came across this blog. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and he has voiced to me that I am the woman that he wants to marry! He is such a great guy and has all the qualities I have prayed for in a man. I know that God has truly blessed me. But ever since he has told me that he wants to marry me, that is when the doubt started to come in and a massive amount of stress! I know that I love him and want to to marry him but the thoughts keep coming back. Once I read the article it brought tears to my eyes, because I felt like this was for me and it opened my eyes to what I have been feeling. I did want to ask how do I continue to cope with this issue because some days I am good and other days I feel so defeated.

jenni - April 25, 2012 - 5:06 pm

It would be helpful to see this conversation in more of its entirety. More Oprah clips are always useful.

Sheryl Paul - April 25, 2012 - 5:59 pm

I’d like to post more of the conversation but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to for legal reasons! I’ll have to check in to it at some point.

Sheryl Paul - April 25, 2012 - 6:00 pm

I’m so glad you found your way here, LaToya. The best suggestion I have for understanding and managing the anxiety is to give yourself the gift of the Conscious Weddings E-Course. It’s the best course of action anyone struggling with relationship anxiety can take, whether partnered, engaged, or married. The sooner you take action, the sooner you’ll experience the relief that hundreds of e-course members have experienced.

jenni - April 25, 2012 - 6:32 pm

Hi, well certainly the other Oprah clips are far more extensive and were deemed permissible.

chantel - April 27, 2012 - 12:34 am

wow.. LOVE the comment ‘youll never be 100% certain’ that is really what i needed to hear. anxiety really is the doubting disease and i have suffered with this for over a year now with my boyfriend. its so nice to know that other people feel this way. all this time ive been thinking that if you doubt it then theres something wrong and you should leave. i hate thinking about what if’s but i know i have a wonderful man and i am very lucky and i just need to keep sticking with that thought. sheryl what a wonderful site. thank you for giving us this gift, keep the good work up.

Sheryl Paul - April 27, 2012 - 9:20 am

Chantel: Welcome to this blog; you’ve found your way to the right place! Quite often, the women and men on my e-course forum are able to articulate the inner landscape of anxiety with such wisdom that I’m literally blown away, like this section of a response (reprinted here with permission; the entire response was brilliant) to a post called, “A pick me up needed!”:

“And this whole idea of “just knowing” or “feeling sure” and “doubt means dont”…again, is sort of society’s way of pretending that there are actual guidelines and rules and answers or our existential questions! The world and the mind and our existence is so complex, and yet somehow we have been fed this message that there is a simple recipe, or way of knowing whether we are happy or unhappy, or making the right or wrong decision when deciding to commit. In a way, the fact that there are no answers or rules is really scary! It is almost like, as bad as anxiety is, we all insist on holding onto this idea that there are right and wrong decisions and answers. We then drive oursleves crazy trying to find these answers that dont exist. We need to give up control, and realize there are no answers. All we can do is choose to love, learn to love, and learn about love. We need to support ourselves in the decision we make, because nobody else has the answer.”

Rae - May 1, 2012 - 8:53 pm

This conversation sounds familiar! :-) After reading this post and the others’ honesty about their anxious reactions- it suddenly hit me that almost ALL of my biggest accomplishments and successes in life (personal, professional, even material) all BEGAN with me feeling awful: anxious, doubtful, scared, hopeless- from what college to go to, to why I should or shouldn’t go on certain interviews, to how much money I was spending on an apartment or car, to accepting job offers, or going against the grain at work. Yet, it was only in PUSHING through those feelings of “awfulness” that I took a risk and accomplished the things I’m most proud of. And I think if most of the posters above me looked back at the great things that they have accomplished, they might find a pattern of doubt, anxiety, and fear before hand. To gain something we’ve never had, we must risk the familiar.

But Sheryl, you have taught me what (for me) has been the ONLY real treatment for anxiety- and that’s the ability to show up for yourself, and to be your own greatest source of support and healing. Now, like anything else, it also takes a village of family, friends, this community you’ve created, other professionals, etc. Thank you!

Sheryl Paul - May 2, 2012 - 7:02 pm

Thank you for posting here, Rae! Your wisdom and insight continually inspire me and I have no doubt will inspire others here as well.

Mindy - May 4, 2012 - 1:46 pm

Wow! I am so glad I found your website today!!! This is exactly what I am struggling with – seemingly unexplainable doubts about getting married to a wonderful man. We’re great together and I’ve been happy in this relationship but leery about marriage because I am divorced and my last marriage ended traumatically – he wasn’t who I thought he was. I have a life long history of anxiety which I’ve been treated for successfully but as my boyfriend and I were nearing time of getting engaged, I stopped treating my anxiety with medication (due to concerns about medications and future pregnancy) and then my anxiety flared up big time as our engagement loomed. I don’t want to lose this relationship and I’ve been doing everything I can to explore and overcome my doubts. Everything you are saying makes sense. I am looking into the eCourse. Thanks so much for creating this website and sharing your experience and expertise!

Sheryl Paul - May 4, 2012 - 2:18 pm

You’re welcome, Mindy! I’m so glad you found your way here and the eCourse would be a perfect fit for what you’re struggling with. Let me know if you have any questions about it.

Emily - May 6, 2012 - 4:12 am

I became engaged in March last year and since August when I had a big emotional breakdown I have been suffering from anxiety and negative thoughts. At first I put it down to work and other things but even after I changed jobs the negative thoughts about whether I really loved my fiancé why don’t I feel anything when I look at him why do I feel so disconnected continued. Finally last weekend things came to a head and I told him that we should break up because it was the only way I would feel normal again yet at the same time I was telling him I didn’t want to leave him. He was brilliant and so understanding as he has been through this whole time. He took me out of the house for a walk and I talked through things.
The next morning I found this blog post written only a few days before and it perfectly described me and how I was feeling as did the post below about intrusive thoughts. Just being told that I am not going mad and that what I’m going through is normal has been such a support to me I have had an anxiety free week and I now feel more equipped to deal with the next few months before the wedding day.
Thank you so much

Sheryl Paul - May 6, 2012 - 10:16 am

What a fantastic story, Emily! I’m so glad you found just what you needed to make sense of your anxiety and help you break through to your love again.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The Architecture of Anxiety and Intrusive Thoughts

Posted in Anxiety, Dying/Death, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

Many of my clients suffer from the hell-realm of intrusive or unwanted thoughts. Thoughts like, “What if I’m a pedophile?” or “What if I’m a mass murderer?” or “What if I contract a deadly disease?” or “What if I don’t love my partner enough (or at all)?” parade through their brains day and night without reprieve creating a state of perpetual misery. The irony about people who are prone to intrusive thoughts such as these is that they’re among the most gentle, loving, sensitive, kind, creative, and thoughtful people you’ll ever meet. The thought is so far from reality that it’s almost laughable, except that it’s not funny at all because my clients believe the lie which, of course, creates massive amount of anxiety.

Or maybe it’s not ironic at all. Perhaps it’s precisely because of this high level of sensitivity and empathy that their mind has gravitated toward an… Click here to continue reading…

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Posted in Anxiety, Dying/Death, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

18 comments

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Liliana - April 17, 2012 - 12:25 am

Hey there Sheryl

I recently stumbled upon your blog and it has helped me a lot though I feel like maybe I might not relate since I am nowhere near engaged but I was hoping you would be able to somehow help me in some way .. A couple of months ago I met a man and at first I saw him as a friend but overtime I realized that he was honestly amazing so we took the next step and began a relationship a month after being in the relationship I started getting anxiety attacks. That maybe I did not like him or that I should run away, but I have stayed because this man is sweet, loving and has all the qualities that I would like in my future husband. When I think about marrying him I get happy, but I am scared that I might run away from this, and I honestly do not want that. When my anxiety spikes and tells me that I should leave, I say to it “no, I want to be with him.” I feel as if my heart is guarding itself. I have gone through heartbreaks, my parents are not really the happiest couple, and through a childhood trauma. When my anxiety is really high I think to myself that maybe leaving is for the best, but that’s not what I want. What I want is to be fully happy with him and love him without having these constant thoughts.

StephanieG - April 17, 2012 - 1:51 pm

Hi Liliana,
Just saw your comment. You should join the e-course! I am not engaged yet either but going through the same anxiety you described and it set in VERY early into the relationship. There are hundreds of us on the e-course and forum.

SB - April 22, 2012 - 8:55 pm

I found this poem and thought of this wonderful website. It is written by Robert T. Weston.

Cherish your doubts, for doubt is the handmaiden of truth.
Doubt is the key to the door of knowledge; it is the servant of discovery.
A belief which may not be questioned binds us to error,
for there is incompleteness and imperfection in every belief.
Doubt is the touchstone of truth; it is an acid which eats away the false.
Let no man fear for the truth, that doubt may consume it;
for doubt is a testing of belief.
The truth stands boldly and unafraid; it is not shaken by the testing;
For truth, if it be truth, arises from each testing stronger, more secure.
He that would silence doubt is filled with fear;
the house of his spirit is built on shifting sands.
But he that fears no doubt, and knows its use, is founded on a rock.
He shall walk in the light of growing knowledge;
the work of his hands shall endure.
Therefore let us not fear doubt, but let us rejoice in its help:
It is to the wise as a staff to the blind; doubt is the handmaiden of truth.

Sheryl Paul - April 22, 2012 - 9:46 pm

I LOVE this, SB. What a refreshing alternative to the widespread “doubt versus don’t” mantra touted by this culture (and which I’ll be posting about this week). Thank you very much for sharing this here.

melanie - May 11, 2012 - 3:43 pm

I just wanted to add my 2p worth! There is a lot about ‘when you are peaceful and calm, that is when a voice of knowing and not fear speaks to you’ etc and specifically ‘that is when you find the pearl’. I just wanted to say that i had been with my boyf for 7 years, very committed, very serious, then as i graduated uni and we were due to buy a house (not imminently, but in the next 18-24 months) i started a new job and just got hit by total anxiety. Not about leaving uni, or getting a new job (truly, i couldnt wait to leave uni – hadnt lived there – and was very excited about having a new job and money) but specifically about whether he was the right one for me or not. I hadn’t had anxiety like that ever, i couldnt breathe, felt dizzy etc. when i was with him and we were ‘hanging out’ i felt OK but doubts still very much there. After trying to have a break and then breaking up and getting back together, i found that in moments of true calm such as being in the bath at mine, on my own, or lying in bed at night on my own, the answer which calmed me was not to be with him even though the thought of being on my own genuinely terrfied me. And, 8 months down the line, was it the ‘right’ decision? Who knows. I don’t believe I will love anyone else like i loved him, and im certainly not currently interested or looking for anything. However – from the moment i called it off i have been able to breather and generally function. I suppose people might say i will get the same thing with who i am next with – and maybe i will. My parents got divorced young so i know i crave security – however i pushed through the fear. I’m not writing this to get people’s anxiety levels up – but just to offer the thought that if you consistently, in a place of calm, feel that its not right, perhaps you should listen to that.

Sheryl Paul - May 11, 2012 - 4:12 pm

Thanks for sharing your story. I have no doubt that it will spike a lot of anxiety from my audience, but I decided to approve your comment anyway so we could engage in some dialogue, if you’re willing! The question for me is whether you did, indeed, push through the fear, or if you ended up listening to the fear and left a good, loving relationship because your commitment and intimacy issues were triggered. Fear’s entire mission in life is try to convince you to run, so an alternate analysis of what happened for you is that once you left (thereby listening to fear), you could breathe and function because the fear of intimacy was removed. Were there any red flags in the relationship? When you say “it wasn’t right”, what exactly wasn’t right about the relationship (other than your anxiety)?

Bill - May 14, 2012 - 1:34 pm

Do the feelings of “What if I dont love them” and hiding and burying those feelings mean that we dont love them or just our anxiety speaking up and trying to mess with our thoughts?

Sheryl Paul - May 14, 2012 - 4:00 pm

If the relationship is loving and you’re with a solid, good partner, then that thought is most likely a cover-up for deeper fears.

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 7:13 am

Could the deeper fear be growing up with a sibiling that has a terminal illness?

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 7:14 am

Could%20the%20deeper%20fear%20be%20growing%20up%20with%20a%20sibiling%20that%20has%20a%20terminal%20illness%3F

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 9:00 am

Yes, that would connect to a fear of loss, and probably ambivalent feelings if your sibling received more attention because of the illness.

Bill - May 15, 2012 - 9:36 am

Makes sense. She has been in and out of the hospital our entire lifes and it definetly was a huge strain on our family. Your site has been a god send for me because I was really struggling with the “What if I dont love her” stuff and I still am but on a smaller scale. Im getting married in 10 days and Im on the right track. Once the honeymoon is over with I plan on getting into the E-Course stuff. Thanks for your response.

ScottishBride - May 15, 2012 - 9:45 am

I just want to chime in here and say I did not spike at Melanie’s comment and I hope others don’t either.

Melanie – I understand where you are coming from. I had a previous relationship where I had 2 bouts of anxiety but also a deep sense of knowing it had no future. The deep sense of knowing was very different from the anxiety. When I compare that to the recent engagement hell I have been through, well… it is very different. With my now husband, I had a deep sense of knowing it was RIGHT until we got engaged. Then I had every emotion from it being right, to wrong, to confusing, scary, crazy, miserable. There is a very clear distinction in my mind between the two relationships.

This work is NOT about convincing ourselves to stay in relationships for the sake of it. It is about finding out about ourselves and our views on life and love. I had horrendous anxiety when I got engaged but I worked through it and I am very happily married. I may well see that anxiety come back again tomorrow, next week, next month. If I do, I’ll take a deep breath and I’ll deal with it. Right now I know that I am where I am supposed to be. With my wonderful man. And THAT is my sense of knowing. It took a lot of work to get to this point.

Melanie – you are right to point out that at times the “right” thing to do is leave. The bottom line is that we all have a choice in this. We can choose to stay and we can choose to go. Sometimes the relationship is not “right” for us and in that situation maybe we should move on (but I would encourage anyone doubting their relationship to please only make that decision from a place of consistent peace and clarity).

Sometimes the fear is just too big to cope with. Unfortunately in those situations, we may well find ourselves moving on without really knowing why or what happened. It makes me sad typing that but I acknowledge that this can happen. In some ways this happened to me with my ex. The anxiety freaked me out and pushed me away from him. Luckily, there were also red flags/deep sense of knowing so it is perhaps not a bad thing that my anxiety contributed towards the demise of an unhappy relationship. However, with my husband when the anxiety hit after I got engaged it was even stronger because there were no red flags or deep sense of knowing it was wrong. I was completely at a loss to what was raging inside of me. I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t run this time (despite wanting to). I had to sit with it and work through it.

When you are ready to date again I wish you all the best! Whatever happens, please remember that IF you feel the anxiety coming back on Date 1, or Date 900, you know where we all are. It can be fixed (with a lot of work and courage!). Indeed for me, it took the anxiety coming back a second time with a different person (where I had no red flag or deep calm sense of knowing to pin it on) for me to realise that this was not about my other half, but something deeply rooted inside of me.

Janelle - May 15, 2012 - 7:14 pm

SB- I always love your posts : ) I will say that I got a little bit spiked by it though- and don’t worry…I’m okay with that :) One of the lines that spiked me was: “With my now husband, I had a deep sense of knowing it was RIGHT until we got engaged. Then I had every emotion from it being right, to wrong, to confusing, scary, crazy, miserable.”

For those of you who are reading this, I’m also a conscious married and I’ve been married for about 2 years : ) SB and I are buddies on the forum, lol : ) The reason why that spiked me was because I’m not sure if I ever had that deep sense of knowing. For God sakes, the week before my husband proposed, I said to myself “if he says one more ‘mean thing’ to me, I’m breaking up with him”. Little did I know, he had already brought my ring and would be proposing one week later on vacation with my family, lol! Now, I definitely thought throughout our 7 years of dating that we’d get married- but I thought that about every guy I was ever with. Even the guy that beat me up in high school : ( My husband was the opposite of any guy I had ever dated though. I remember in college, my friends would all talk about how they were going to marry their boyfriends, but I would never say it. I remember thinking, ‘if I start telling people we’ll get married one day, then I’ll jinx it, and I don’t want to do that.’ I guess, I was just always cautious of “oh god, I don’t ever want to loose him”. I’m not sure that it’s possible for me to have a ‘complete knowing’ that it’s right. But, I also don’t have any knowing that it’s wrong. I’d say it’s about 90-95% good overall and that’s just on my ‘blah’ day today. I believe Sheryl or someone said “shoot for 80%”. I can go from feeling 90-95% in the morning to 45% in the afternoon to 82.5% (lol) at bedtime. I had to get use to those fluctuations in my mood for a while. For me, I ‘know’ I made a good choice (on most days I feel that way). However, somedays I am moody and I just want to hide in a hole.

My husband and I are great of each other. We respect, love, encourage, and are always there for each other. Yes, we drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day (and throughout everyday), we choose each other, we choose be together, for better or worse we have each other’s best interest at heart and each other’s backs : ) We don’t choose each other based on our feelings, we choose each other based on the commitment we made and I plan on choosing him for the rest of my life <3

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 8:38 pm

Janelle: It sounds like you soothed your own spike. Great job showing up with your Loving Adult and modeling it for everyone here : ).

Sheryl Paul - May 15, 2012 - 9:02 pm

And Janelle, if more people admitted this, we would see a lot less relationship/marriage anxiety:

“I can go from feeling 90-95% in the morning to 45% in the afternoon to 82.5% (lol) at bedtime. I had to get use to those fluctuations in my mood for a while.”

Thank you, as always, for your honesty.

Scottish Bride - May 16, 2012 - 9:25 am

Hi Janelle :-) When I look back at my “deep sense of knowing” it was actually based on very superficial feelings. I suppose it was more infatuation and desperately wanting to tie myself to him forever because I wanted that feeling to last forever. We hadn’t been together that long so we were still riding on that “in love” wave.

I think maybe the biggest reason for my engagement anxiety was that it came at the turning point of my relationship – when it went from “in” love to “real” love. I stopped having the “infatuation” feelings so I didnt know if I did want to marry him because all I’d associated marriage with up until that point was getting to feel that infatuation forever!! I had never even considered such concepts as “shared values, shared goals, friendship” etc. Can you believe that?! Wow just goes to show how naive I was.

Now that I know what real love feels like, I can say exactly the same as you. I have days/hours/minutes of contentment/knowing its a great marriage and i also have days/hours/minutes of: what am I doing, can I do this, am I ok, this feels weird and wrong.

Basically one of the biggest lessons for me has been re-programming myself to see what love actually is and to see the benefits that real love brings. It took me a long time to see that but now that I am, it’s very rewarding and worth all this pain!

Janelle - May 17, 2012 - 2:44 pm

Hey SB : ) I dated my husband for 7 years before our engagement. Once we got married I still had to do major work in the love department. I’m still doing major work about my ‘idea’ of love. I don’t think it’s crazy that you didn’t consider those grown up things like shared values, goals, friendship,etc. I think that the only shared value that I really considered was that we both wanted a family and wanted our family to be raised the same way. If I’m honest with myself (and probably lots of women are like this) I was so in love with the idea of being in love. I don’t think that this is a ‘bad’ thing now, however, I’m def. learning a lot now. I really think that it takes getting married to learn about real love. I use to try and ‘change’ things about my husband. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to change things about him. That’s not right, it’s not fair to him or to me. Marriage has really allowed me to take a really good look at him (good and bad parts) and completely love him for all of it. Does it drive me crazy if he says a rude comment? Yes, for sure, but I’m not trying to change that about him anymore. I now look at what he really means behind the rude comment, most of the time, he doesn’t even realize he’s being rude. For example, when we are with my in-laws nothing he does ever bothers me. However, he is the same person around my family, he’ll say the same thing, and I flip out…pretty interesting : ) Sorry for the babble….hope someone can take something from this : )

Monday, February 27, 2012

Why We Homeschool

Posted in Parenthood transitions, Transitions - General

People often ask us why we homeschool. I used to launch into a long-winded answer about how we never planned to homeschool but by the time Everest was two it became apparent that, because of his high emotional and moral sensitivity and his asynchronous learning style, he would be crushed in any traditional school environment. I used to talk about our attached parenting style and our belief that kids need to be with their parents much longer than our culture encourages. I may have said something about our outdated educational paradigm and the dangerous focus on extrinsic learning through punishments and rewards. I would often find myself over-explaining because the reasons were too complicated to condense into a single sentence. But recently I have found the sentence that distills our reasons into five words, and now I simply say: Because we believe in freedom.

We believe in… Click here to continue reading…

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Lisa - February 29, 2012 - 6:18 am

Thank you so much for speaking and living your truth! I so appreciate your sharing these sentiments. Here is a link to an article that also speaks to your belief in and celebration of freedom http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/02/when-school-goes-against-your-very-nature/ I hope you enjoy it… Here’s to the “Yes!!!”

xox

Kimberly - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Hi Sheryl. This was beautiful and heartfelt — thank you.

My husband and I don’t have children of our own yet, but we are considering homeschooling/ unschooling them when we do. I’m a little nervous about how I can juggle homeschooling with my career (I’m a therapist and writer, too!), but I’m keepin’ the hope alive! And you are helping me do just that. :)

Lainie Liberti - February 29, 2012 - 8:21 pm

Beautifully spoken and from the heart. My name means freedom and I honor you & your family for living yours. Eloquently expressed and a wonderful read. My unschooled son & I have made the similar choices for the same reasons. We unschool because we too, believe in freedom.

Sheryl Paul - February 29, 2012 - 8:57 pm

Kimberly: If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be juggling homeschooling two kids and working full time I never would have believed them. I’m not sure how it’s possible but it is – and it’s amazing! I just checked out your blog and LOVE what you’re writing about.

Lainie: Thank you for your lovely comment. It’s always wonderful to connect with other unschoolers, even if it’s virtually!

Amy - March 10, 2012 - 4:44 am

My son, 7, was a lover of learning, a self-professed scientist who was reading at a 4th grade level when he entered public kindergarten. Within a year and a half he completely rejected reading, wouldn’t do homework and had striking behavior changes which included defiance and angry outbreaks at home. We’ve been homeschooling for 3 months and my son is back again. It was such an amazing transformation and I cannot express the dramatic nature of this change (for the better). Your article completely resonates with me – thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

Sheryl Paul - March 10, 2012 - 6:26 pm

Congratulations on trusting what you were seeing and taking action to rectify it. I’m so glad your son is back!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Words from the Wounded Self

Posted in Anxiety, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

One of the most challenging steps in the healing process is de-fusing from the wounded  - or fear-based – self. Until you start to shine the light of consciousness onto the dark labyrinth of your inner world, you and your wounded self are fused into one seemingly seamless unit. If your core self is like your spinal cord, your wounded self is like a serpent wrapped tightly around this center line. Because you’ve been listening to the lies of the wounded self for a long time (usually your entire life), its voice sounds like your own voice; this is your running commentary.

The first step in de-fusing from the wounded self is to start to identify its lines: what’s the commentary that runs in the background of your thoughts, often so quiet that you can hardly hear it? (For a detailed explanation of the running commentary, please read… Click here to continue reading…

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SB - February 2, 2012 - 1:40 pm

I hear: “He’s going to leave you.” and “You will find someone better and have that “The One” feeling and then you will have to leave him”. It’s simply horrible. Though I do see that these tracks are based in my fear of abandonment and my unrealistic expectations of perfect love. The more I read (I have started reading The Road Less Traveled and HIGHLY recommend it to other readers) and process these thoughts I am able to separate my true self from them and move on in my day.

That is not to say I am past these tracks but they are quieter now. One thing that I can say with 100% or 95% (because who is 100% sure of anything :) is that I do believe I would be having these thoughts regardless of who I was with because I have dealt with them all my life. It is kind of nice (in very twisted way) to be an anxiety filled person because I believe it is my fear that brought me here but it is also leading me on the path of growing up.

Sheryl Paul - February 2, 2012 - 4:17 pm

The Road Less Traveled is probably THE best book on learning about real love. You’re clearly doing great work on yourself and, yes, you would be having these thoughts no matter who you were with!

Blm5126 - February 3, 2012 - 12:04 pm

Perhaps part of the reason the moment of the proposal is so difficult and represents a moment of feeling disconnected from our core selves is because it is a moment when many of the negative false beliefs are directly contradicted. For example, I’ve noticed that some of my false beliefs are that I am not capable of real love and commitment and that I am a bad person who will just cheat on my fiancé (and soon husband!). At the moment of the proposal, you have a wonderful loving man who directly challenges those beliefs by saying to your core self:”I love who you are. You are an amazing, committed, and loving person. I know this so deeply that I want to spend my life with you.” The wounded self doesn’t know how to handle these contradictions between what it “knows” about you and what this amazing person is saying. With that deeper level of commitment you make by being engaged, the running commentary that you have had through your whole life comes back full force, trying to guide your actions to move you away from this person that contradicts your core false beliefs. The risk is greater with marriage, so the false beliefs try to make themselves louder. This leads to the thoughts that we then try to push down which eventually lead to anxiety attacks.

Sheryl Paul - February 5, 2012 - 12:18 pm

Beautifully said, BLM. Thank you for posting it here.

Brittany - April 13, 2012 - 10:20 am

Thank you for this article. I have this amazing man who loves me unconditionally, even after I broke off our engagement (that I was pushing for for several months) and fell into a deep depression. My thoughts took charge to the point of where I couldn’t distinguish the lies from reality. Its been over a year since I broke off our engagement and our relationship is stronger than ever, yet I still find myself falling back into the pit of lies. He makes me so happy in every way, but my thoughts trail off to “are you really happy?” and sometimes I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome. Even though I know that it doesn’t get better than him (and I’m not just saying that, he really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me), why do I allow my thoughts to keep tormenting to where I second guess everything?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

From Anxiety to Creativity/Spirituality

Posted in Anxiety, Parenthood transitions, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

My clients and e-course members are some of the wisest, most compassionate, creative, kind, and loving people with whom I’ve ever come into contact. They’re interesting, intelligent, introspective, and curious. Are there any adjectives I’ve left out?! Oh, just one: they’re also the most anxious.

It’s an interesting paradox of life that opposites are often paired together : We cannot have daytime without night or light without darkness. Spring and summer cannot exist without autumn and winter. We cannot feel true joy without opening our hearts to pain, grief, and loss. And the multi-dimensional richness of human beings generally includes straddling the apparent opposites of the positive characteristics I’ve listed above with the darker territories of the human psyche.

And now I’m about the contradict myself: anxiety, instead of being a permanent state of psyche, is a doorway into deeper growth and expanded consciousness. In my younger years… Click here to continue reading…

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Janelle - January 24, 2012 - 8:08 pm

Love this! This is so true for me

“To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.”

I don’t have a middle ground, I have to be extremely content or very sad….I don’t have a middle ground. This is something that I continue to work on after the wedding : )

Ashley - January 25, 2012 - 7:30 am

oh Sheryl! this is BEAUTIFUL! your poem in particular. so soothing. so gentle. so accepting. thank you for the work you do and share with others.

sarah - January 25, 2012 - 7:38 pm

this is amazing. i was especially touched by your opening paragraph; it’s nice to be reminded of the light when the darkness can feel so consuming. i know i have so much to offer this world and that anxiety can easily get the best of me. but with your support, i’m learning that I’m not my anxiety. it’s great working with you. :)

Judy - January 27, 2012 - 8:12 am

Thank-you Sheryl again for a great article & I believe there are no mistakes in the world…many of us “sensitive” people are going through anxiety right now as the world shifts…making us feel even more vulnerable…I have been having this expereince for the past week or so….so your article had perfect timing.
I also agree that at least for me that when I am not creative I am clearly more anxious…nice to read about the correlations…
Thank-you …Namaste

Lizbeth - January 27, 2012 - 9:17 am

I agree completely with you Sheryl. I realized this summer that my creativity was my link to Source and the spiritual connection I had been seeking all my life. Now when I get up in the morning and go to sleep I feel a calmness I have never known before. Like you said, I often wake up with entire ideas implanted in my brain, or solutions to problems, or just comforting thoughts about setting my intentions for a joyful, productive, creative, and inspiring day.

Rather than stress about everything I NEED to do, I honor my feelings and take time to do what feels right. I do the things that feed my soul, and spark my creativity rather than shut it down….and I think it is making me a better person, parent, wife, friend…etc.

I am about to engage in a 7 week course in Kabbalah 101. I like what they are saying…am hoping it is going to keep me on track and provide me with “like-minded” people as I explore this deeper connection to myself and others.

Sheryl Paul - January 27, 2012 - 8:24 pm

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Liz, I love what you’ve shared here and I particularly look forward to hearing about your Kabbalah class!

Shannon Rose Watson - January 27, 2012 - 10:22 pm

Sheryl dear, Thank you so much for this post. Again you and your words come to me in the dead of night to inspire and encourage me to continue on my path. These words resonates so strongly for me and speaks to a younger version of myself as an artist, trapped in anxiety and fears that I remember, but no longer serve.

The first and last time we communicated was a year and a half ago when I responded about a post on transitions and moving. It was a very valuable exchange for me and it reinforced what I knew from my Waldorf training about story and laying the foundation for changes in a child’s life, to reach the child where they are at in their imagination. I was already telling oral stories to help prepare my daughter for the move and our correspondance further inspired me to create an actual book with a story and phots to document where her life had been and where we were going in her real life. It worked like magic and the transition went so smooth that friends around us still talk to us about how that was handled. And I have a book now, waiting in my creative projects to be created into a more general storybook for any child going through a move… with a song, poetry verse and storyline… one of many of my creative projects that are begging me to get to. I am getting back to you, to thank you for you sharing your family moving story with me, which helped further our own story with our daughter.

I am in the midst of a family baby moon right now and everything is precious with expansive and elastic time. I gave birth for the 2nd time on January 17th. And things are a.m.a.z.i.n.g. right now. Such a beautiful time with so many unexpected ripples and gifts and challenges and flow. Flow in life. In the beauty of the moment. And so so much love in my family bubble with our new baby daughter. And I am , as you know, in the midst of a huge transformation time… and your words come to me in between feedings, at a brief computer moment where I am checking for the first time in absolute days,… and I recognize a sister soul.

I am choosing to break this container of 40day retreat to touch in with you because your words have reached me for a purpose in this stage of my retreat and I want to honor that. I am an artist, Waldorf teacher, facilitator of retreats combining the arts with contemplative and communication practices,… and a proud proud Mama of a 3 yr old and a brand new baby girl bundle… who is between worlds right now landing each day a bit more to grace us with her beautiful presence and love. I have been waiting for a long while for the right timing for all of my passions to come together to offer in the world and through this first 10 days since the birth of my 2nd daughter I have had such amazing experiences and insights into my life, being, as you know, the most open to the flow of life as a woman can be at this moment, and have experienced healings and oh, so so many things.

I would like to speak with you from my cocoon, or after, at a point of your and mine convenience about what strikes me about yours and mine work and what I have been coming to realize in these last 10 powerful days of openness and pure state of what I am meant to be doing next.
Please contact me through my e-mail.

Looking forward to connecting again,
Warmly, Shannon

sunnyday - January 28, 2012 - 9:09 am

Wow! This is so true! Someone once told me that I am an anxious person because I am a creative person and that I should see my anxiety as a gift. It has taken time and work and now I do. I am always looking for new projects to tap into this creativity.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Diamond Inside of Anxiety

Posted in Anxiety, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

People find me because they’re in the throes of anxiety, and quite often the anxiety centers around their intimate relationship. They’re taken down by a series of questions that cause them to fear whether or not they’re in the “right” relationship or if they’re making a “mistake.” I’ve said it many times on this site but it’s worth repeating: most people who find me are in loving, solid relationships and the fear that plagues them is purely based in anxiety. There is a small percentage of people – maybe 5% – who realize that their fear is coming from a truthful place and is an indicator that there are serious red-flag issues in the relationship that need to be addressed, but these issues are obvious from my first conversation with them and aren’t associated with the gut-wrenching feelings that accompany relationship anxiety.

For the vast majority, the anxiety hits like… Click here to continue reading…

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Krista - January 16, 2012 - 3:33 pm

Wonderfully written! I’m a big fan of the Hero’s Journey and think that it really fits into your work. :)

Jennifer - January 16, 2012 - 4:32 pm

Sheryl, another great post! Replaying dreadful, feared scenarios is a great way to keep anxiety going. A counter to that is meditation and breathing. You have shared Pema Chodron’s work, and she is wonderful. Thich Nhat Hahn in the book True Love really gets to the heart of love, and tools on how to deal with whatever emotion is getting in the way of truly being present. It is one of the best books I have read of loving oneself, one’s partner as an antidote to fear.

best, Jennifer

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 5:57 pm

Thank you, Krista.

Jennifer: I’m a huge fan of Thich Nhat Hahn’s work but I haven’t read True Love yet. Thank you for the recommendation; I’ll definitely check it out.

Alysonk - January 16, 2012 - 6:02 pm

Wonderfully written and so very true! I wish I could go back in time and shake my anxious self that was so scared to do the work for fear of what it might unveil. Now that I did I can truly say I’m grateful for the gut-wrenching, earth shattering anxiety that brought me to where I am now-happily married and stronger and more at peace than I’ve ever been. I pray your work reaches so many more anxiously engaged brides in 2012!

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 8:31 pm

Thank you and I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well!

ScottishBride - January 17, 2012 - 10:41 am

BRILLIANT article Sheryl.

What amazes me is that when I went through it, I thought what I was feeling was so unique to me. And that I was a worst case scenario, and different from all others! Thank God for this website and the e-course!

Anxiety is truly mind altering, and my heart goes out to all the people who are suffering through it now. I know how awful it is.

I am now at a stage where I am starting to feel glad that I went through this experience. I hope all others who can identify with this article come and join us all on the ecourse and start learning how to combat this debilitating illness with friendship and support from the team :-)

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 4:37 pm

Sheryl!
This article is so great! I just replaced the word “relationship” with the word “studies / job” and it feels SO revealing to see that I don’t need to put any energy in some changes in the outside, but that everything can be solved when I do my inner work.
the second time I replaced the word “relationship” with the work ” home/ house ” and wow- it also works :-)
Thanks you so much for your thoughts!
Hearty, Bettina

Maya - January 17, 2012 - 5:11 pm

This might be my favorite post ever! So true.

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 5:12 pm

Oh, and I forgot to say, i LOVE the line where you write “longing for a more integratet relationship with you and your LA” : “I am lonely” —> isn’t that so often the case that we think that loneliness gets away the more we are together with another person, a partner? Isn’t it exactly the opposite? I love the moments where I can do something good to myself, I feel much less lonely than when I am in the middle of thousands of poeple….I like this! (and “he should make me feel better”…uah!

Sheryl Paul - January 18, 2012 - 7:35 am

Thank you, Maya! I’ve been writing this post for a while and I’m so happy to finally publish it.

Bettina: Yes! Anxiety is anxiety no matter how you slice it of what the specific focus is.

ScottishBride: Thank you for your amazing support here and especially on the e-course forum. You’re a voice of inspiration and wisdom for many, many women and men there.

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:50 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know thatone

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:52 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know that one? It seems to be a common, and very disturbing, theme in chick lit. So my question is, how do you know if your relationship is part of that doomed five percent? Thanks! Sorry this is so long.

SB - January 19, 2012 - 9:44 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. Please never stop writing for us.

Sheryl Paul - January 19, 2012 - 9:55 am

SB: Thank you for being such a gracious audience to write for! : )

Yellow: I would need to know more about your marriage to assess whether or not it’s in the 5%. You say that your anxiety has been focused on your husband for the past two years but you’ve been married for eight; was there something that precipitated the anxiety? Are there any obvious red-flag issues like addiction, abuse, cheating, lying, misalignment of core values?

Yellow - January 19, 2012 - 11:10 am

Sheryl,
No, none of these red-flag issues. The fear is focused on little personal traits that I am not crazy about and that I cannot seem to let go. I think I know the answers to my own questions, but I continue to seek answers from knowledgable people. Obviously, this post is for me. Thanks for the reply, and please, like the other lady said, keep writing. It’s all very inspiring.

Bre - January 19, 2012 - 11:02 pm

My fiancé is wonderful. One of the truly good people in this world. But I need to know that I love him and don’t just admire him. I think I may need this site.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 7:31 am

Loving and admiring usually aren’t very far away from each other. The key is in learning about what real love is instead of the dysfunctional messages about love we receive in this culture. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/real-love-versus-infatuation/ as well as through several other posts on this site. Welcome!

Sarah - January 20, 2012 - 7:38 am

Thanks for writing this Sheryl! I really like how this article points people away from self protection/projection, and asserts that the anxiety is from something inside our own selves….that’s so helpful. Honestly I think the biggest turning point in my engagement anxiety was the moment I realized I had followed every fear, asked every question (many times), and realized they didn’t hold water. And I think the biggest thing that helped was a conscious shift from asking “am I making a mistake? What if something happens to our love?” to “how can I manage my anxiety today? What are these questions protecting me from feeling, and how can I address them?” And it was still hard…but it’s been so rewarding to realize that I have the capabilities to look deeper and understand myself better, and that really does result in connection with my husband. Anxiety really is a hidden gem. Thanks for the reminder!

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:07 am

Sheryl, I looked the article on common questions your clients ask, and about fifty percent of them apply to me. How can I develop my love so that it is real and like his?

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:14 am

*at the article. I.e. this article.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 9:28 am

Bre: You might consider taking a look at my Conscious Weddings E-Course: From Anxiety to Serenity, as I created it to address exactly this point. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/. In addition to the seven lessons, when you sign up for the course you gain access to a password-protected forum, where you will find a community of exceptionally kind and compassionate women (and some men) who will help guide you along this path. The support is a key component for learning about real love and how to shift your dysfunctional ideas about relationships.

Louisa - January 21, 2012 - 5:12 am

Sheryl
I came across your website over the Christmas period and never before have I read a selection of articles that seem to speak to me on such a profound level.
My anxiety started in late November, several weeks after my partner’s father passed away unexpectedly. Understandably, this was a very very sad time and turned our once perfect world up-side-down. As soon as the anxiety set in I was devastated at the thought of having to walk away from a man that I truly love…..walking away seemed the only answer to rid myself of the pain, and yet something deep inside of me told me not to run. After reading your article ‘Take care of your anxiety like a scared child’, I realised that I needed try and understand where the anxiety was coming from and what it was based on. The content of your articles have given me the courage to look inside myself and I am fully embracing the idea of not projecting my feelings onto my partner. I know that I have a lot to work through, and initially it seemed daunting, but I am now inspired by your words and have the love and support of a wonderfully grounded man…..and whilst there are still some days that I wish I could hide under my duvet and block the world out, I know that in years to come I will look back and think ‘thank goodness I was brave enough to hang in there!’.
Thank you, thank you, thank you

Louisa

Adelina - February 28, 2012 - 7:02 am

This article spoke to me like nothing has,ever before. I was set really deep in these questions last week, only a few days ago, when I discovered conscious transitions,did it start easing off. I have been thinking about how to channel all my questions within myself and it’s interesting how it works:I noticed that while I silently suffer, I do feel comfort when my fiance is around.The only problem is, I don’t feel as lovey-dovey as I used to before the anxiety set in last week. I am still struggling to say ‘NO’ to the over-shadowing ‘maybe I will never be attracted to him again’,'maybe I will never have butterflies when he comes in again’ and ‘maybe I will just love him but not feel like hugging and kissing him all the time like before’.It feels like an illness but I keep telling myself I will sail to the other side successfully purely because while I don’t feel to affectionate and connected, I don’t feel very sociable with others or too bothered about my own family either. I feel like I’ve temporarily lost my ability to express emotion and enthusiasm about everything.This is,I think,the main sign that there is nothing wrong with the relationship,but it lies within myself. Anyone felt like that?

Stephanie - March 26, 2012 - 8:00 pm

Adelina, my anxiety started two days before Christmas. I 100% can relate to how you were/are feeling. I was so blah towards my fiance, family, friends, even work. I just wanted to hide everyday until all of this would go away. Now I know this is not about anyone else it is about me and my own stuff that I need to work through. It’s hard at times but at the end of the day we will come out of this happier, content and stronger then before :)

Adelina - March 29, 2012 - 7:32 am

Stephanie,it’s so good to hear your words. This ‘blah’ atittude is so not me,and like you say,it’s about us,not our partners.Have you managed to cross over this rough patch and get back in your old normal ways?:)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Take Care of Your Anxiety Like a Scared Child

Posted in Anxiety, Inner Bonding®, Transitions - General, Wedding/marriage transition

I’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s brilliant little book called Anger. With his signature simple and poetic style, Hahn elucidates the Buddhist views on managing and healing anger which, to my surprise and delight, overlap almost identically with Inner Bonding®. If you’re like most of my clients and people who follow this blog who struggle more with anxiety than anger, simply replace the word “anger” with “anxiety” and you’ll have a prescription for handling your difficult emotions.

For example, in one section called “Caring for Your Baby, Anger” Hanh writes:

“Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby.

“You have to be like a mother listening for the cries of her baby. If a mother is working in the kitchen and hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she is doing and goes to comfort… Click here to continue reading…

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ScottishBride - December 15, 2011 - 5:52 am

Sheryl,
What a fantastic post. Most of us are so ashamed of having doubts, fears or anxieties that we try and push them down, or punish ourselves for our feelings, instead of embracing them and working through them. Acknolwedging my anxiety and attending to it through a mixture of inner bonding, the e-course and journaling has resulted in me finally being able to break the cycle and work through my engagement anxiety. I would encourage all others with anxiety about their relationship to do the same.

brooklynbride - December 15, 2011 - 9:15 am

oh how i love this post! There is so much comfort from sitting with your Inner Child… As a child I never was sent to the time out chair, too “senstive” and “good” for that… but my sister was. And it was heartbreaking for me to watch her cry. Sometimes I would go in there and just sit with her because I knew she needed to be comforted… and as I think of this memory I cry. For both of us. And for the relief knowing that I can be a good inner parent to myself as an adult… and share this wisdom with my sister today.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 9:37 am

Thank you, both. And you’re both a big inspiration for others to make the leap into committing to the process of attending to their feelings. BrooklynBride, your story brought tears to my eyes, too. It’s heartbreaking to think about kids sitting alone with their grief, heartbreak, and shame.

Carole - December 15, 2011 - 12:26 pm

Sheryl, great post and great timing for the holidays! One of the most difficult things for me was to learn how to self soothe, but what a huge difference it makes! Thanks again

StephyN - December 15, 2011 - 5:13 pm

Sheryl, I love this post. I was one of those kids that was left to cry herself to sleep because that was the only way I’d learn to sleep without a parent in my room. I was that girl that was forced to go to sleep away camp for 8 weeks against my will because all the other girls my age were going and I needed to learn how to “act my age.” I know my parents always thought they were doing the best for their children, but I’ve learned to feel numb since my feelings as a child were ignored (to make me stronger, or so they thought). I’m trying to do the inner bonding, but I just don’t feel any emotion whatsoever. I discuss stories from my past like I’m talking about someone else. Thank you for your very well written post.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 6:57 pm

When you’re doing Inner Bonding, start to move toward the feeling of numbness. You shut down at an early age because it was too painful to feel your feelings and it was the only way you could cope, but once you start to approach your numb self with compassion, the pain will break through. And yes, our dominant parenting model encourages parents to push their kids past their comfort zone so that they find their strength. This may work for some kids, but for the more sensitive among us, it creates the opposite result. Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? It sounds like you were and are a highly sensitive person and reading the book would help you develop compassion for yourself, which would help break through the numbness.

Valentina - December 17, 2011 - 3:31 pm

Sheryl, such a great post, such great truth. And just a perfect reminder for my day, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your spiritual guidance with us. It is so easy to forget and to abandon ourselves. As Ghandi says, we cannot hurt anyone without hurting ourselves.

StephanieG - January 31, 2012 - 12:29 pm

This was a great read for me today. I have felt like I am drowning the past few days and found myself wanting to cry and just thinking “I want my mom”. Instead, I guess it is actually myself saying that I need my Inner Loving Adult. I am scared and drowning in the river. I need myself to step up and throw out that life line. My own mother can’t help me right now. In fact, no one can except myself.

cwb - May 2, 2012 - 8:31 pm

I cannot tell you how comforting your site is. I was having some trouble tonight – feeling odd and nervous and scared and I knew that if I came to your site, I would be able to read posts about what I was feeling. I found so much comfort here. I often re-read your posts too!

Thank you for doing this, and for sharing your wisdom with us.

Sheryl Paul - May 2, 2012 - 8:37 pm

CWB: I’m so glad you found your way here, and thank you for taking the time to share your appreciation. It’s one of my deepest joys to write these articles and share the insights I’ve received over the years.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

“A Good Day”

Posted in Anxiety, Transitions - General

A beautiful and inspiring video that one of my dearest friends sent me last night. A genuine expression of gratitude is one of the most powerful antidotes to anxiety:

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Lisa - December 13, 2011 - 8:59 am

Beautiful! May gratefulness permeate our existence…

Thank you for posting.

xox

Sheryl Paul - December 14, 2011 - 10:12 pm

Thank you for sharing it with me, my Sista!

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