Category Archives: Transitions – General

Words from the Wounded Self

One of the most challenging steps in the healing process is de-fusing from the wounded  - or fear-based – self. Until you start to shine the light of consciousness onto the dark labyrinth of your inner world, you and your wounded self are fused into one seemingly seamless unit. If your core self is like your spinal cord, your wounded self is like a serpent wrapped tightly around this center line. Because you’ve been listening to the lies of the wounded self for a long time (usually your entire life), its voice sounds like your own voice; this is your running commentary.

The first step in de-fusing from the wounded self is to start to identify its lines: what’s the commentary that runs in the background of your thoughts, often so quiet that you can hardly hear it? (For a detailed explanation of the running commentary, please readClick here to continue reading…

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SB - February 2, 2012 - 1:40 pm

I hear: “He’s going to leave you.” and “You will find someone better and have that “The One” feeling and then you will have to leave him”. It’s simply horrible. Though I do see that these tracks are based in my fear of abandonment and my unrealistic expectations of perfect love. The more I read (I have started reading The Road Less Traveled and HIGHLY recommend it to other readers) and process these thoughts I am able to separate my true self from them and move on in my day.

That is not to say I am past these tracks but they are quieter now. One thing that I can say with 100% or 95% (because who is 100% sure of anything :) is that I do believe I would be having these thoughts regardless of who I was with because I have dealt with them all my life. It is kind of nice (in very twisted way) to be an anxiety filled person because I believe it is my fear that brought me here but it is also leading me on the path of growing up.

Sheryl Paul - February 2, 2012 - 4:17 pm

The Road Less Traveled is probably THE best book on learning about real love. You’re clearly doing great work on yourself and, yes, you would be having these thoughts no matter who you were with!

Blm5126 - February 3, 2012 - 12:04 pm

Perhaps part of the reason the moment of the proposal is so difficult and represents a moment of feeling disconnected from our core selves is because it is a moment when many of the negative false beliefs are directly contradicted. For example, I’ve noticed that some of my false beliefs are that I am not capable of real love and commitment and that I am a bad person who will just cheat on my fiancé (and soon husband!). At the moment of the proposal, you have a wonderful loving man who directly challenges those beliefs by saying to your core self:”I love who you are. You are an amazing, committed, and loving person. I know this so deeply that I want to spend my life with you.” The wounded self doesn’t know how to handle these contradictions between what it “knows” about you and what this amazing person is saying. With that deeper level of commitment you make by being engaged, the running commentary that you have had through your whole life comes back full force, trying to guide your actions to move you away from this person that contradicts your core false beliefs. The risk is greater with marriage, so the false beliefs try to make themselves louder. This leads to the thoughts that we then try to push down which eventually lead to anxiety attacks.

Sheryl Paul - February 5, 2012 - 12:18 pm

Beautifully said, BLM. Thank you for posting it here.

From Anxiety to Creativity/Spirituality

My clients and e-course members are some of the wisest, most compassionate, creative, kind, and loving people with whom I’ve ever come into contact. They’re interesting, intelligent, introspective, and curious. Are there any adjectives I’ve left out?! Oh, just one: they’re also the most anxious.

It’s an interesting paradox of life that opposites are often paired together : We cannot have daytime without night or light without darkness. Spring and summer cannot exist without autumn and winter. We cannot feel true joy without opening our hearts to pain, grief, and loss. And the multi-dimensional richness of human beings generally includes straddling the apparent opposites of the positive characteristics I’ve listed above with the darker territories of the human psyche.

And now I’m about the contradict myself: anxiety, instead of being a permanent state of psyche, is a doorway into deeper growth and expanded consciousness. In my younger years… Click here to continue reading…

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Janelle - January 24, 2012 - 8:08 pm

Love this! This is so true for me

“To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.”

I don’t have a middle ground, I have to be extremely content or very sad….I don’t have a middle ground. This is something that I continue to work on after the wedding : )

Ashley - January 25, 2012 - 7:30 am

oh Sheryl! this is BEAUTIFUL! your poem in particular. so soothing. so gentle. so accepting. thank you for the work you do and share with others.

sarah - January 25, 2012 - 7:38 pm

this is amazing. i was especially touched by your opening paragraph; it’s nice to be reminded of the light when the darkness can feel so consuming. i know i have so much to offer this world and that anxiety can easily get the best of me. but with your support, i’m learning that I’m not my anxiety. it’s great working with you. :)

Judy - January 27, 2012 - 8:12 am

Thank-you Sheryl again for a great article & I believe there are no mistakes in the world…many of us “sensitive” people are going through anxiety right now as the world shifts…making us feel even more vulnerable…I have been having this expereince for the past week or so….so your article had perfect timing.
I also agree that at least for me that when I am not creative I am clearly more anxious…nice to read about the correlations…
Thank-you …Namaste

Lizbeth - January 27, 2012 - 9:17 am

I agree completely with you Sheryl. I realized this summer that my creativity was my link to Source and the spiritual connection I had been seeking all my life. Now when I get up in the morning and go to sleep I feel a calmness I have never known before. Like you said, I often wake up with entire ideas implanted in my brain, or solutions to problems, or just comforting thoughts about setting my intentions for a joyful, productive, creative, and inspiring day.

Rather than stress about everything I NEED to do, I honor my feelings and take time to do what feels right. I do the things that feed my soul, and spark my creativity rather than shut it down….and I think it is making me a better person, parent, wife, friend…etc.

I am about to engage in a 7 week course in Kabbalah 101. I like what they are saying…am hoping it is going to keep me on track and provide me with “like-minded” people as I explore this deeper connection to myself and others.

Sheryl Paul - January 27, 2012 - 8:24 pm

Thank you for your lovely comments.

Liz, I love what you’ve shared here and I particularly look forward to hearing about your Kabbalah class!

Shannon Rose Watson - January 27, 2012 - 10:22 pm

Sheryl dear, Thank you so much for this post. Again you and your words come to me in the dead of night to inspire and encourage me to continue on my path. These words resonates so strongly for me and speaks to a younger version of myself as an artist, trapped in anxiety and fears that I remember, but no longer serve.

The first and last time we communicated was a year and a half ago when I responded about a post on transitions and moving. It was a very valuable exchange for me and it reinforced what I knew from my Waldorf training about story and laying the foundation for changes in a child’s life, to reach the child where they are at in their imagination. I was already telling oral stories to help prepare my daughter for the move and our correspondance further inspired me to create an actual book with a story and phots to document where her life had been and where we were going in her real life. It worked like magic and the transition went so smooth that friends around us still talk to us about how that was handled. And I have a book now, waiting in my creative projects to be created into a more general storybook for any child going through a move… with a song, poetry verse and storyline… one of many of my creative projects that are begging me to get to. I am getting back to you, to thank you for you sharing your family moving story with me, which helped further our own story with our daughter.

I am in the midst of a family baby moon right now and everything is precious with expansive and elastic time. I gave birth for the 2nd time on January 17th. And things are a.m.a.z.i.n.g. right now. Such a beautiful time with so many unexpected ripples and gifts and challenges and flow. Flow in life. In the beauty of the moment. And so so much love in my family bubble with our new baby daughter. And I am , as you know, in the midst of a huge transformation time… and your words come to me in between feedings, at a brief computer moment where I am checking for the first time in absolute days,… and I recognize a sister soul.

I am choosing to break this container of 40day retreat to touch in with you because your words have reached me for a purpose in this stage of my retreat and I want to honor that. I am an artist, Waldorf teacher, facilitator of retreats combining the arts with contemplative and communication practices,… and a proud proud Mama of a 3 yr old and a brand new baby girl bundle… who is between worlds right now landing each day a bit more to grace us with her beautiful presence and love. I have been waiting for a long while for the right timing for all of my passions to come together to offer in the world and through this first 10 days since the birth of my 2nd daughter I have had such amazing experiences and insights into my life, being, as you know, the most open to the flow of life as a woman can be at this moment, and have experienced healings and oh, so so many things.

I would like to speak with you from my cocoon, or after, at a point of your and mine convenience about what strikes me about yours and mine work and what I have been coming to realize in these last 10 powerful days of openness and pure state of what I am meant to be doing next.
Please contact me through my e-mail.

Looking forward to connecting again,
Warmly, Shannon

sunnyday - January 28, 2012 - 9:09 am

Wow! This is so true! Someone once told me that I am an anxious person because I am a creative person and that I should see my anxiety as a gift. It has taken time and work and now I do. I am always looking for new projects to tap into this creativity.

The Diamond Inside of Anxiety

People find me because in the throes of anxiety, and quite often the anxiety centers around their intimate relationship. They’re taken down by a series of questions that cause them to fear whether or not they’re in the “right” relationship or if they’re making a “mistake.” I’ve said it many times on this site but it’s worth repeating: most people who find me are in loving, solid relationships and the fear that plagues them is purely based in anxiety. There is a small percentage of people – maybe 5% – who realize that their fear is coming from a truthful place and is an indicator that there are serious red-flag issues in the relationship that need to be addressed, but these issues are obvious from my first conversation with them and aren’t associated with the gut-wrenching feelings that accompany relationship anxiety.

For the vast majority, the anxiety hits like a… Click here to continue reading…

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Krista - January 16, 2012 - 3:33 pm

Wonderfully written! I’m a big fan of the Hero’s Journey and think that it really fits into your work. :)

Jennifer - January 16, 2012 - 4:32 pm

Sheryl, another great post! Replaying dreadful, feared scenarios is a great way to keep anxiety going. A counter to that is meditation and breathing. You have shared Pema Chodron’s work, and she is wonderful. Thich Nhat Hahn in the book True Love really gets to the heart of love, and tools on how to deal with whatever emotion is getting in the way of truly being present. It is one of the best books I have read of loving oneself, one’s partner as an antidote to fear.

best, Jennifer

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 5:57 pm

Thank you, Krista.

Jennifer: I’m a huge fan of Thich Nhat Hahn’s work but I haven’t read True Love yet. Thank you for the recommendation; I’ll definitely check it out.

Alysonk - January 16, 2012 - 6:02 pm

Wonderfully written and so very true! I wish I could go back in time and shake my anxious self that was so scared to do the work for fear of what it might unveil. Now that I did I can truly say I’m grateful for the gut-wrenching, earth shattering anxiety that brought me to where I am now-happily married and stronger and more at peace than I’ve ever been. I pray your work reaches so many more anxiously engaged brides in 2012!

Sheryl Paul - January 16, 2012 - 8:31 pm

Thank you and I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing well!

ScottishBride - January 17, 2012 - 10:41 am

BRILLIANT article Sheryl.

What amazes me is that when I went through it, I thought what I was feeling was so unique to me. And that I was a worst case scenario, and different from all others! Thank God for this website and the e-course!

Anxiety is truly mind altering, and my heart goes out to all the people who are suffering through it now. I know how awful it is.

I am now at a stage where I am starting to feel glad that I went through this experience. I hope all others who can identify with this article come and join us all on the ecourse and start learning how to combat this debilitating illness with friendship and support from the team :-)

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 4:37 pm

Sheryl!
This article is so great! I just replaced the word “relationship” with the word “studies / job” and it feels SO revealing to see that I don’t need to put any energy in some changes in the outside, but that everything can be solved when I do my inner work.
the second time I replaced the word “relationship” with the work ” home/ house ” and wow- it also works :-)
Thanks you so much for your thoughts!
Hearty, Bettina

Maya - January 17, 2012 - 5:11 pm

This might be my favorite post ever! So true.

Bettina - January 17, 2012 - 5:12 pm

Oh, and I forgot to say, i LOVE the line where you write “longing for a more integratet relationship with you and your LA” : “I am lonely” —> isn’t that so often the case that we think that loneliness gets away the more we are together with another person, a partner? Isn’t it exactly the opposite? I love the moments where I can do something good to myself, I feel much less lonely than when I am in the middle of thousands of poeple….I like this! (and “he should make me feel better”…uah!

Sheryl Paul - January 18, 2012 - 7:35 am

Thank you, Maya! I’ve been writing this post for a while and I’m so happy to finally publish it.

Bettina: Yes! Anxiety is anxiety no matter how you slice it of what the specific focus is.

ScottishBride: Thank you for your amazing support here and especially on the e-course forum. You’re a voice of inspiration and wisdom for many, many women and men there.

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:50 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know thatone

Yellow - January 18, 2012 - 11:52 pm

I was so blessed by this post, as always. I get such a sense of peace from reading your stuff, Sheryl. One big question I always have, that anxiety always screams at me, is that I am part of that five percent. I have been married for eight years now, and have been grappling with some serious anxiety in connection to my husband for the past two. There is nothing for me to really put my finger on, and I believe I suffer from ROCD, but I often focus on my husband’s bad points to a huge extent, and it robs me of my joy and our closeness. I struggle with thoughts that I settled for someone that was subpar, and that I’m paying for it now. I get embroiled in negativity and anxiety when he does something that sets me off, or when I read something that speaks to this fear: ie, the girl is with a guy who seems to be perfect, but in reality she doesn’t really love him, so nothing is right. You know that one? It seems to be a common, and very disturbing, theme in chick lit. So my question is, how do you know if your relationship is part of that doomed five percent? Thanks! Sorry this is so long.

SB - January 19, 2012 - 9:44 am

Thank you so much Sheryl. Please never stop writing for us.

Sheryl Paul - January 19, 2012 - 9:55 am

SB: Thank you for being such a gracious audience to write for! : )

Yellow: I would need to know more about your marriage to assess whether or not it’s in the 5%. You say that your anxiety has been focused on your husband for the past two years but you’ve been married for eight; was there something that precipitated the anxiety? Are there any obvious red-flag issues like addiction, abuse, cheating, lying, misalignment of core values?

Yellow - January 19, 2012 - 11:10 am

Sheryl,
No, none of these red-flag issues. The fear is focused on little personal traits that I am not crazy about and that I cannot seem to let go. I think I know the answers to my own questions, but I continue to seek answers from knowledgable people. Obviously, this post is for me. Thanks for the reply, and please, like the other lady said, keep writing. It’s all very inspiring.

Bre - January 19, 2012 - 11:02 pm

My fiancé is wonderful. One of the truly good people in this world. But I need to know that I love him and don’t just admire him. I think I may need this site.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 7:31 am

Loving and admiring usually aren’t very far away from each other. The key is in learning about what real love is instead of the dysfunctional messages about love we receive in this culture. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/real-love-versus-infatuation/ as well as through several other posts on this site. Welcome!

Sarah - January 20, 2012 - 7:38 am

Thanks for writing this Sheryl! I really like how this article points people away from self protection/projection, and asserts that the anxiety is from something inside our own selves….that’s so helpful. Honestly I think the biggest turning point in my engagement anxiety was the moment I realized I had followed every fear, asked every question (many times), and realized they didn’t hold water. And I think the biggest thing that helped was a conscious shift from asking “am I making a mistake? What if something happens to our love?” to “how can I manage my anxiety today? What are these questions protecting me from feeling, and how can I address them?” And it was still hard…but it’s been so rewarding to realize that I have the capabilities to look deeper and understand myself better, and that really does result in connection with my husband. Anxiety really is a hidden gem. Thanks for the reminder!

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:07 am

Sheryl, I looked the article on common questions your clients ask, and about fifty percent of them apply to me. How can I develop my love so that it is real and like his?

Bre - January 20, 2012 - 9:14 am

*at the article. I.e. this article.

Sheryl Paul - January 20, 2012 - 9:28 am

Bre: You might consider taking a look at my Conscious Weddings E-Course: From Anxiety to Serenity, as I created it to address exactly this point. You can learn more about it here: http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/. In addition to the seven lessons, when you sign up for the course you gain access to a password-protected forum, where you will find a community of exceptionally kind and compassionate women (and some men) who will help guide you along this path. The support is a key component for learning about real love and how to shift your dysfunctional ideas about relationships.

Louisa - January 21, 2012 - 5:12 am

Sheryl
I came across your website over the Christmas period and never before have I read a selection of articles that seem to speak to me on such a profound level.
My anxiety started in late November, several weeks after my partner’s father passed away unexpectedly. Understandably, this was a very very sad time and turned our once perfect world up-side-down. As soon as the anxiety set in I was devastated at the thought of having to walk away from a man that I truly love…..walking away seemed the only answer to rid myself of the pain, and yet something deep inside of me told me not to run. After reading your article ‘Take care of your anxiety like a scared child’, I realised that I needed try and understand where the anxiety was coming from and what it was based on. The content of your articles have given me the courage to look inside myself and I am fully embracing the idea of not projecting my feelings onto my partner. I know that I have a lot to work through, and initially it seemed daunting, but I am now inspired by your words and have the love and support of a wonderfully grounded man…..and whilst there are still some days that I wish I could hide under my duvet and block the world out, I know that in years to come I will look back and think ‘thank goodness I was brave enough to hang in there!’.
Thank you, thank you, thank you

Louisa

Take Care of Your Anxiety Like a Scared Child

I’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s brilliant little book called Anger. With his signature simple and poetic style, Hahn elucidates the Buddhist views on managing and healing anger which, to my surprise and delight, overlap almost identically with Inner Bonding®. If you’re like most of my clients and people who follow this blog who struggle more with anxiety than anger, simply replace the word “anger” with “anxiety” and you’ll have a prescription for handling your difficult emotions.

For example, in one section called “Caring for Your Baby, Anger” Hanh writes:

“Embrace your anger with a lot of tenderness. Your anger is not your enemy; your anger is your baby.

“You have to be like a mother listening for the cries of her baby. If a mother is working in the kitchen and hears her baby crying, she puts down whatever she is doing and goes to comfort… Click here to continue reading…

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ScottishBride - December 15, 2011 - 5:52 am

Sheryl,
What a fantastic post. Most of us are so ashamed of having doubts, fears or anxieties that we try and push them down, or punish ourselves for our feelings, instead of embracing them and working through them. Acknolwedging my anxiety and attending to it through a mixture of inner bonding, the e-course and journaling has resulted in me finally being able to break the cycle and work through my engagement anxiety. I would encourage all others with anxiety about their relationship to do the same.

brooklynbride - December 15, 2011 - 9:15 am

oh how i love this post! There is so much comfort from sitting with your Inner Child… As a child I never was sent to the time out chair, too “senstive” and “good” for that… but my sister was. And it was heartbreaking for me to watch her cry. Sometimes I would go in there and just sit with her because I knew she needed to be comforted… and as I think of this memory I cry. For both of us. And for the relief knowing that I can be a good inner parent to myself as an adult… and share this wisdom with my sister today.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 9:37 am

Thank you, both. And you’re both a big inspiration for others to make the leap into committing to the process of attending to their feelings. BrooklynBride, your story brought tears to my eyes, too. It’s heartbreaking to think about kids sitting alone with their grief, heartbreak, and shame.

Carole - December 15, 2011 - 12:26 pm

Sheryl, great post and great timing for the holidays! One of the most difficult things for me was to learn how to self soothe, but what a huge difference it makes! Thanks again

StephyN - December 15, 2011 - 5:13 pm

Sheryl, I love this post. I was one of those kids that was left to cry herself to sleep because that was the only way I’d learn to sleep without a parent in my room. I was that girl that was forced to go to sleep away camp for 8 weeks against my will because all the other girls my age were going and I needed to learn how to “act my age.” I know my parents always thought they were doing the best for their children, but I’ve learned to feel numb since my feelings as a child were ignored (to make me stronger, or so they thought). I’m trying to do the inner bonding, but I just don’t feel any emotion whatsoever. I discuss stories from my past like I’m talking about someone else. Thank you for your very well written post.

Sheryl Paul - December 15, 2011 - 6:57 pm

When you’re doing Inner Bonding, start to move toward the feeling of numbness. You shut down at an early age because it was too painful to feel your feelings and it was the only way you could cope, but once you start to approach your numb self with compassion, the pain will break through. And yes, our dominant parenting model encourages parents to push their kids past their comfort zone so that they find their strength. This may work for some kids, but for the more sensitive among us, it creates the opposite result. Have you read the Highly Sensitive Child? It sounds like you were and are a highly sensitive person and reading the book would help you develop compassion for yourself, which would help break through the numbness.

Valentina - December 17, 2011 - 3:31 pm

Sheryl, such a great post, such great truth. And just a perfect reminder for my day, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your spiritual guidance with us. It is so easy to forget and to abandon ourselves. As Ghandi says, we cannot hurt anyone without hurting ourselves.

StephanieG - January 31, 2012 - 12:29 pm

This was a great read for me today. I have felt like I am drowning the past few days and found myself wanting to cry and just thinking “I want my mom”. Instead, I guess it is actually myself saying that I need my Inner Loving Adult. I am scared and drowning in the river. I need myself to step up and throw out that life line. My own mother can’t help me right now. In fact, no one can except myself.

“A Good Day”

A beautiful and inspiring video that one of my dearest friends sent me last night. A genuine expression of gratitude is one of the most powerful antidotes to anxiety:

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Lisa - December 13, 2011 - 8:59 am

Beautiful! May gratefulness permeate our existence…

Thank you for posting.

xox

Sheryl Paul - December 14, 2011 - 10:12 pm

Thank you for sharing it with me, my Sista!

To Nag or Not To Nag

The more I work with women around their relationship issues and the more deeply I spiral into the shadow layers of my own psyche, the stronger my conviction becomes in the following statement: the need to nag is embedded into the historic and genetic code of most women. I say this not with judgement or criticism but with great love for my half of the human race and an instinctual knowing that it’s time for us to break this negative and unnecessary habit that creates stagnation within ourselves and restricts the flow of love in our relationships.

As I write this I see my own legacy of nagging, controlling, and criticizing floating in front of my mind. I see my maternal grandmother’s lips pursed in a thin, tight line that said, “I’m not happy with you right now.” I can hear her complaining about my grandfather and see the result… Click here to continue reading…

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SB - November 8, 2011 - 11:06 am

This is a wonderful post and one that points to something I have been working on for months. Like you, I believe women struggle with this more often (or maybe it comes out more often) than our male counterparts. The true problem with that is that more than your love and affection, I believe our men want respect. Whether or not we actually respect our men, nothing communicates more deeply that to them that you don’t respect them when we judge their choice of clothes, route to work, or way they load the dishwasher.

I believe that constantly nagging or even suggesting alternative ways of doing things that truly don’t matter (i.e. loading the dishwasher) is sending the message to our men: If she can’t trust me to load the dishwasher, drive to work, or call my mother, how can she trust me with our children, her love, and our life. Our culture’s sitcoms make a joke of women nagging but it’s truly not funny. Yes, have opinions about what really matters, but just as you wish your partner would (in everything they do) be loving and affectionate, men want their partners to respect and admire them. The easiest way to do this is to trust them as Sheryl said with their own lives.

Sheryl Paul - November 8, 2011 - 11:09 am

Beautifully said. And I have a big, knowing smile on my face because I’ve had to shut my mouth to avoid suggesting an alternative to loading the dishwasher! Oh my goodness…!

MH - November 8, 2011 - 3:36 pm

This is very timely for me as I had a bout with extreme nagging after a ‘boys night out’ of Saturday. Now he is on edge, I am on edge, the kids are on alert, and he did nothing wrong .. it was just result of my own perceptions and insecurities. I believe the nagging is just my standing in judgement of what I believe is the ‘right’ way he should behave. And, if he is rude to people, standoffish, sullen and remote, shouldn’t I be focusing on the good qualities instead?

Maya - November 8, 2011 - 4:25 pm

I inherited the nagging from my father. Explain that to me! ;)

Sheryl Paul - November 8, 2011 - 5:32 pm

Hah! Well, it’s certainly a MASSIVE overgeneralization to say that nagging is exclusive to women. It’s just what I see in my circle of friends and clients – but that doesn’t mean that men don’t nag and certainly control in their own lovely ways!

Sheryl Paul - November 8, 2011 - 5:33 pm

Yes, nagging puts everyone on edge. And yes, focusing on the positive qualities is always an effective antidote to nagging.

Mangala - November 8, 2011 - 10:02 pm

I read a fantastic book on this subject that helped me greatly in recognising and breaking out of the fear/nag/control cycle in my marriage: The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I have to re-read it periodic intervals to keep myself on track :)

Sarah - November 9, 2011 - 8:09 am

This is a great post! As someone with her own legacy of nagging and controlling, I can say I too have seen the negative effects it has on men. I’ve been doing a lot of work with noticing my emotions, setting boundaries, and in general getting a feel for who I am, and what I’m responsible for in life (my feelings, emotions, actions, reactions, needs, etc) and a profound thing I’ve been mulling over is the idea that what’s needed so often is to just let go of the outcome. Whether I’m setting a boundary, or expressing a need to my husband, or having a conversation with my mom, I can’t control other people…not their thoughts, or actions, or words…and if I try it’s not going to result in anything good. Not that that’s easy, mind you….it’s not particularly something the women in my family are good at. Letting go means maybe you’ll have a messy house, or you’ll never have any alone time with your husband, or you just plain won’t get your way. What I’m quickly realizing though, is life isn’t measured by how often you get your own way…it’s measured by the depth and beauty of relationships and you’re not going to get much of either by nagging and controlling:) Thanks for the post…I liked reading your thoughts!

SB - November 9, 2011 - 8:18 am

Mangala,

I second your recommendation of Doyle’s book. It is an excellent read and if you can look past early judgments that most folks have about the book, you can learn a LOT about letting go and being okay with not always being in control. Isn’t that what learning to grow from transitions is all about?

As I learn to stopping nagging my wonderful, honorable, amazing man, He is actually setting up more and together we are creating a safe space for both of us to talk about our feelings, fears, and dreams. One of my biggest fears is that I have not allowed him to open up to me for fear of getting nagged, yelled at, or seeing tears. The more I focus on deep fears that surface to be nagging, the more I grow and see all his positive traits.

Sheryl Paul - November 10, 2011 - 6:56 am

The feminist in me has always resisted reading “The Surrendered Wife” but yesterday, upon your recommendation, I read through as much as I could on Amazon and was surprised to learn that the message is not anti-feminist at all! As you said, it’s actually completely aligned with the message of this post. Thanks for suggesting it.

Tara - November 14, 2011 - 9:49 pm

WOW. Exactly what I needed to read right now. In the middle of a huge transition time in our marriage (raising a 7-month old – our first child – selling our townhouse, moving into temporary housing, looking for our “forever” home, and both working full-time), my husband and I have been arguing like crazy. I’ve been struggling to take ownership of my role in the arguments, but when I’m honest, they are usually about (as always) my fear of inadequacy, of losing control, and my difficulty in truly trusting that my husband loves me and believes in me and our marriage. Your words about picking your battles and learning when to let go and trust in our partner are especially poignant. Thank you, Sheryl.

SB - November 16, 2011 - 8:49 am

Tara,

“My difficulty in truly trusting that my husband loves me and believes in me and our marriage” really hit home for me and has been something that I have been dealing with throughout our engagement. My man and I have been together for almost 5 years and I realized just last week (of course it took me that long) that all of my worries and fears and doubts were not based on my fear if I loved him enough, but I feared that he didn’t love me enough.

This led to every little look, argument, or meaningless comment being taken as proof that he, in fact, didn’t love me. How damaging to my mental health and our relationship! It wasn’t until I saw this fear that I had of him leaving me or falling in love with someone else that I could label it for what it was and start to separate myself from it. This past week has been one of my most peaceful times because after talking about it with him, I felt renewed, separated from this fear and able to see how wrong it was.

Fear is so powerful and can take over how thoughts and emotions but when we separate ourselves from it, we see that we don’t have to control our men to get them to love us the way we want them to. They already do and more often than not, its just fear that is holding us back from seeing it.

Sheryl Paul - November 16, 2011 - 9:38 am

Well said, SB.

Autumn: 2011

Something a little different this week to express the transition of autumn – and life – through poetry, music and images:

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Valentina - November 2, 2011 - 8:22 am

Sheryl- thank you for that post, I had goose bumps and tears coming up, especially since I never before grieved the summer being over like this year where it happened so fast. I wish I could be as grounded as a tree and as brave as it leaves….love, valentina

Sheryl Paul - November 2, 2011 - 8:33 am

Thank you, Valentina. Sounds like summer left quickly in your part of the world as well!

Bettina - November 2, 2011 - 2:52 pm

This is so beautiful, I cried and cried, (I didn’t even understand every word, just listening to your voice, that is soo calming!) Thank you Sheryl!

The Joy of Not Knowing

I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, Letters to a Young Poet

One of the things I love about Colorado is the blurriness of the seasons, the way it can hail in June and we can have 60 degree days in January. Just this morning, I took a bike ride with my sons wearing… Click here to continue reading…

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Marisa - October 27, 2011 - 9:10 pm

I just swung by the blog because I felt like it had been a while since I’d read a new post and have been itching for one. How lucky am I to have found the newest installation, which, as always, is exactly on point for where I am in my life right now. It is bizarre to me that you write to the very heart of the matter that I find myself in. The uncertainties of life have been wearing on me lately-perhaps not incoincidentally as I approach my 30th birthday. Life’s questions seem big and scary and overwhelming, and it’s hard for me not to have the answers and not to know exactly how I feel. This blog is a place I come back to because of these uncertainties. There is a tremendous amount of peace that radiates off my laptop when I am here and I send you thanks each time I visit. I am still unsure and afraid and worried, but your and Rilke’s words help ease the discomfort, and I am grateful.

Sheryl Paul - October 27, 2011 - 9:17 pm

Yes, the uncertainties will certainly flare up around birthdays, especially the big ones. And as you’re making room for the questions, also make room for the fear, the worry, and, as always, the grief. It’s often when you allow the grief to rush through you – the grief of letting go of your 20s, the grief of old losses, the grief of not knowing, the grief of being human – that the uncertainty becomes more palatable.

Ashley - October 31, 2011 - 9:16 am

Thank you for posting this! This Saturday, with leaves still on the trees, snow began to fall in NY. As last winter was so difficult for me, I naturally fear another round of winter… and yet, somehow, I feel like God was saying with this anomaly of in-between seasons, it is all going to be okay. And so, I stayed inside. I bundled up next to my husband. I rested. I reflected. I also enjoyed the presence of the moment. Seasons change, weather can be unpredictable… but God is always here for me, no matter my present circumstance, to remind that everything is okay just as it is.

Sheryl Paul - October 31, 2011 - 11:38 am

Beautiful, Ashley. Yes, God is the through-line, the only consistency in a life that’s inherently full of contradiction and inconsistencies.

Melanie - November 2, 2011 - 9:47 am

I just started the conscious wedding e-courses. Through my entire engagement and now right after my engagement I have been an anxious wreck trying to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from. I know I want to be with this man for the rest of my life, but I have days where I get so out of control nervous and anxious because not knowing and having that control of what will happen in the future scares me. Wondering did I make the right decision, will I lose my husband someday to something horrible like death or divorce. I have confiding in my husband everyday about what I have been feeling and just recently the question came up between us about that titled honeymoon stage going away, and I honestly let my psyche believe that because I don’t feel like that all the time that I questioned did I make the right decision. My mind has been in constant struggle with what I know my heart wants and what my head is telling me. Conscious wedding e-courses has been my first peace of mind to telling me that I am not crazy! It is showing me how to deal with the Colorado days and give light to all the misconceptions I had about love and marriage and also how this is a transition in life that may not be easy, but I will say yes to love. God blessed me last night when I found this!

Sheryl Paul - November 2, 2011 - 9:58 am

I’m so glad you found your way here! As you work through the lessons of the e-course, you will learn how to manage the unknown of the future, accept the uncertainty of the decision to marry, and break down the fantasies and unrealistic expectations about love and marriage. You’re definitely not crazy!

Liesl - November 2, 2011 - 11:18 am

Thank you so much for this post! I am 36 weeks pregnant and have been on a roller coaster due to the questions – “Is my baby going to be okay?” and “Am I going to be okay?” And of course the answer is to keep my heart open and continue to love. We are both exactly where we need to be. We are both being taken care of. We ARE okay! Thank you for the reminder.

Bettina - November 2, 2011 - 11:18 am

wonderful!!! thank you!

KD - November 2, 2011 - 11:29 am

Sheryl,
Excellent post. As someone who is riddled with anxiety, feeling ‘out of control’ and not having the answers seem like the worst things in the world. Thanks for reminding me that it’s OK, and things will make sense in their own time.