Conscious Transitions » Lessons in Letting Go

This post came exactly at the right time!For some reason,you always write about things that bother me exactly at the specific given time, Sheryl.It is so terrifying,though,that as soon as I have finished reading it and absorbing it,I still come back to some of my unpleasant thoughts.I can’t help thinking why I can feel the love for him, unconsciously do all the things I do for him, yet,I don’t feel the admiration,the excitement and the passion which are such an important part of my life.I believe I have made the right choice,I can see our yet not established wedding day,my graduation and all those important life events but I’m out of touch with reality now.Since he is my reality all the time(at least,he was until this anxiety kicked in),I’m frozen and lacking any motivation or ability to get excited.:(

I agree with Adelina completely on this one – this post came at the best time. My fiance and I just got into a discussion over this exact problem last night (God love him for listening to me and my anxiety over this stuff). It is a really scary feeling to not be attracted to your fiance or to not ever ‘be in the mood.’ I have been trying to work on it, but I’ve placed so much anxiety on the physical intimacy that now the thought of it makes me not want to do it! What’s crazy is that towards the beginning of our relationship, this was never an issue. Any more help on this topic is most appreciated. Thank you again Sheryl.

I am so with you on this one,Lauren!The happy bit of it is that we are both lucky enough to have our men listen to us in a supportive way rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.It is indeed scary,especially when I am at work or at home while he is away and I get enthusiastic and feel an energy pouring into me,almost feeding my attraction to him…or when I look at photos and get the warm ajd fuzzy feeling…and then,the horrid moment:he comes home and I go blank!It’s terrifying.When you say you can’t be intimate,do you mean sexually or just spending time together?To me,both spike anxiety.How would you detail your experience?
Adelina

I too experience this… Like Adelina Sometimes spending time with my Fiance I find myself “not in the mood” but then as soon as we are apart or I look at a favorite picture of him, I get those same warm and fuzzy feelings.. Or crave him…

But when we are together, he can just do anything, which under normal circumstances is just just day to day tasks- And I will be annoyed, or turned off. Whats that all about?

He is the most caring, non hurtful, non game playing partner I have ever had and yet sometimes I crave for him to be less sensitive, more feisty and almost more of a “jerk”… I know that sounds crazy.. But he is so accommodating sometimes that I almost wish for more “jerkness” to drive some passion…

Then again perhaps that feeds into the notion of what really is lust? Longing for something that isnt really there, the hunt of the chase?

Like previous emotionally un-available boyfriends? Sure I craved and lusted for them, but I also had to chase them… Was that passion actually mistaken for the highs and lows of always wondering if he will be there for me? Faithful to me etc?

I think I read on one of these anxiety posts previously about craving ex-boyfriends… About reminding ourselves that there was a REASON that those past relationships didnt work out.. Those relationships which now seemed so passionate in comparison to our current relationships with our Fiances… They didnt work out for a reason, those guys were emotionally unavailable- They didnt WANT to marry you in the end…They kept you guessing, But you mistook that as real passion, with living on the edge of your seat not knowing what their next move was going to be..

I have learned that is not passion. I REMEMBER NOW, that that was the REAL anxiety.

My anxiety now, stems from the unfamiliar sensation of letting my guard down. Knowing that I CAN let my guard down. This person chose me. Wants to be with me. Loves me for me. I often mistake that for boredom, settling, lack of passion.

As for passion- Hummm we are working on that. I try and remind myself of that when I start to notice my flawys.. My own bumps and lumps- lack there off… Or even more so, obsess on any of his “shortcomings”. Him not being my Physical Ideal. I try and remember that if even the “homeliest” couples people can have great sex, then its must not be all about what you look like, its how you connect.

ANYONE is capable of making the other person FEEL good. Even better is having a partner that understands that and will work with you to become great together in that department. If he is open to incorporating certain OTHER things to get you there. Unselfishly working together through trial and error to help you figure out how to get there, together.. Or one at a time..

*Beth: You pointed out exactly what I thought about this afternoon: maybe if he was a bit ‘jerky’ I would get a bit more excitement into me…maybe!It’s an interesting phenomenon inside me:whenever he was a bit grouchy(he was never jerky to tell you the truth) I would be upset and he would come round and apologise warmly.Because 2 of my previous boyfriends were just not serious material(despite of the long relationships I had with them), I don’t really know what it was like to wait for the call,long for the attention or shake with excitement in that lusty way.With my now-fiance I have had another type of lust,the lust of waiting for him to come home,getting all warm and fuzzy when seeing him on his lunch break,or anxiously waiting for the week-end.Since this depression set in,I can’t find those feelings,I am almost absent most of the time.The morning finds me in bed thinking:why did I just not think about him now?Other times, I get excited about seeing him and a thought instantly jumps in my head reminding me that I am ‘supposed’ to be anxious and should carry on with my lifeless ways.Recently I have experienced 2-3 days when I was quite normal in terms of my life,but still scrutinised myself for not longing for him enough.
Like you said,when you have your guard down,and you consciously let it down,it becomes a self-inflicted pain.I am sure we’ve both had our boring times in the relationship,and I’m sure that neither of us have always thought about our fiances with excitement all the time, just that now with the engagement the whole concept has increased in stake.In fact,nothing has changed,but our controlled fearful minds start working on anything that can possibly be wrong.Do you have the feeling you are not yourself?I certainly feel de-personalised with all this going on and I can genuinely feel what it was like when I was ‘normal’(fuzzy when I look at a photo,or remember a holiday),and think:why can’t I be like that now?

Adelina: I like that way you put it! Sometimes it’s very hard for me to accept that he doesn’t have to be the perfect image that everyone expects. That’s what causes me the anxiety. When I really think of it I think how I’m so happy he’s different than all the other guys out there. To me, his image shouldn’t be a big deal.
It also doesn’t help that people are telling me that I need to date around. I’ve been dating my guy since we were in high school and we are now in college. He’s such a great guy and we have a lot in common, but the fact that everyone keeps telling me I need to date around is causing me a lot of extra stress and anxiety. I spoke to one of my supportive friends the other day about it and she put it like this, “Why would you date around when you have something that most women look for almost all of their lives.” She put it very well for me. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think of losing such a great guy just because of anxiety. He’s definitely the kind of guy that I would want as a husband and father for my children. But yet my anxiety is telling me to leave because society is telling me I’m not normal and should leave the relationship to go “exploring”. It’s like it’s some kind of taboo to date only one guy and commit to him, well that’s what almost everything (besides here) online has told me. You would think I wouldn’t have this anxiety because I know I don’t want to go and date a bunch of random people because I know I would lose something so special to me. It’s tough.

Adelina: I couldn’t agree more with you. It’s like anxiety makes you a totally different person. I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid and a lot of it stems from fear of rejection or abandonment. I had a lot of insecurity issues my first year of college and it drove him off the edge. We were broken up for about 6 months but we still stayed close friends, it was like we weren’t even broke up. I remember wanting to get back with him and make things better. We got back together and things were great because I worked on my insecurity and we worked on better communication. Everything was going fine until about October of this year and he started to act distant. I began to panic because I thought he was going to break it off with me again. We talked about it and he said that it was just because he was busy(which he was very busy) and was stressed out. My rational part of me knew that everything was okay and it was just my anxiety and insecurity but for some reason I started ruminating and searching for answers online. It sent me in such a tailspin deeper and deeper into a territory that I didn’t want to be in. I started self doubting because of what others say about having doubts in relationships, and this led me on and on into anxiety city. Instead of me panicking about his love for me I began to panic about my love for him. I somehow wound up on here…even though I’m not engaged I feel like it all applies to me. I also think that I’ve always had slight ROCD (relationship ocd). Things are slowly getting better now that I recognize that what I want is to stay in the relationship and that things don’t have to be perfect like everyone always says…sigh.

KK:Binoculars is the exact word.I think if you can remember saying ‘he’s a great guy with a great heart’,that sentence still lives inside you.I’m convinced,fir instance,that things will go back to normal,but I try and give my thoughts a good critical assessment,to let them go through the sieve.It is sooo hard!It’s like having this great,lovable,adorable man and as soon as you approach him,you hit a stone wall.Changes in our lives make this stone wall even harder to demolish.I’m graduating just like your boyfriend,my fiance is already in the real world,but not managed to go to college yet and everything is out in the unknown,so I know exactly what you mean.Do you ever have your moments of clarity,when you don’t feel under the strain of anxiety?If yes,is it when he’s around or away?
Janelle:I wish I could afford the e-course…I’m a skint student.:(

KK:Totally agree.It’s very annoying and exhausting not to be able to NOT think when he’s around and just get on with the daily stuff.It would be good to just forget it all and get back to how things were.In the meantime,he’s just being great,supportive and loving.More than that,my fiance doesn’t really see it because I’m trying my best to be normal.It’s scary!!

KK:Spot on!I just had a conversation with my fiance now and we got around the subject of discussing my dad whom I never had a close relationship with.Although my parents are not separated and my dad’s brought his bad habits into the family when I was a kid(too much partying,drinking,arguing),I learnt to swallow and get over it.I was always living with the thought that my dad was not good enough. because I would hear it in the arguments between him and my mum,and now
we don’t speak much apart from the basic ‘how’s the course’,'how’s the work’ and other casual things.I feel uneasy around him and if we were left in a room together,we probably would struggle to find a conversation topic.I know little about my parents’ relationship with each other and never seen them really cuddle while I was living at home.I was telling my other half about this and he said he could see that my fear was that I would bring this ‘emotinal baggage’ with me,fearing that our relationship would turn out the same.He hit the nail on the head there.It’s shocking what floats to the surface when you start digging into depressionand I think there are lessons to be learnt.Like you say,if youWANT the relationship,you stay in it and fight as long as you can….this reminds me of that post earlier on Sheryl’s blog:Dr. Pat Love saying ‘Feel the feeling but stay in the relationship’.We make our own reality and by going back to repairable past realities,we can move on with the present.It’s weird how clearly I seem to master the issue now,though,because when I’m with my fiance or just pondering,a tailspin starts and most of the time it feels like I’m watching a movie and I don’t even feel anything or value interaction.

I share the similar sentiment of warm fuzzy feelings when my fiance and I are snuggling or when he’s away, but when it’s time to really get intimate, I turn cold (as Adelina so rightly describes it). I haven’t figured out why that is, but it gives me serious anxiety to think I could not be sexually attracted to my partner for the rest of my life. For me, that’s probably the root of all my anxiety, or at least what I hang my hat on. I love being with him otherwise and spending time together (outside of the bed). Any suggestions?

Thanks Sheryl! I think the second prong is a great point. Recently, we’ve started working out again and I’ve felt more alive and more sexual in general because I feel good about myself. It’s not the rut of coming home from work, cooking dinner, and watching TV (which is nice sometimes, but absolutely boring). I am going to start journaling about it and get more proactive about keeping my life active and fun too. This blog and your material is so helpful!

Abedul,Lauren and SB:thank you for sharing on this post,again!These words bring me back into a corner of reality and make me remind myself that there is still work to do and I am not completely lost. I recently started seeing a therapist and it started easing off my terrible anxiety that had been churning inside me for weeks. I told him about Sheryl’s work,and the calming effect it has on me and he applauded everything about it (not that it needed reassurance but it did give me a good kick).Now, this attraction issue I have been dealing with has taken a very different shape or since last time I posted on here about 2 weeks ago.From the painful and almost desperate effort to try and get my feelings shown to my fiance to a level where I would re-read the text messages I’ve been sending him and notice how cheesy they actually are… my entire behaviour has shifted into an almost serene isolation where I just want to sit and knit all day and have him around for conversation and relaxation.We’re currently visiting my parents abroad so this is holiday for us.Last time we came here(3 months ago) I felt terribly happy and excited around him.That was before the engagement.Now,I’m just ‘blah’,or get snappy and irritated at what he says,although I thought my projection phase was going away.Now it’s not physical,or anything specific,I’m just plain indifferent and when this thought comes to.me I get scared that this is it,this will be it forever.He can also sense something,which scares me the most,and he says I’m not as ‘alive’ as usual.I can’t help fearing that all commitments turn out like this,that I will never feel the excitement and sensuality again,that his always funny nature will just annoy me forever and I’m doomed.On the other hand,when we talk about future plans for the next holiday,I feel relaxed and joyous.I only start getting anxious about the future of the relationship and my lack of libido when I wake up or before falling asleep.I feel like I’m in a never-ending vortex.

From an outsiders point of view, it sounds like your are in a “protection” sort of mode. What feelings are below this indifference? That is where you need to go to work through it (I know, it is VERY scary). It seems like you are protecting yourself from feeling something (whether that be fear, joy, doubt, or all of the above). Real love (not what our society tells us is love) is scary and sometimes we hide behind indifference, anger, or judgement to keep ourselves from really going there. Only you can take yourself there and only you can work through it. You have to look these thoughts in the eye (so to speak) and face them. Journaling helps.
Also, try to get off the “forever” train. You can only deal with what is in front of you. I know the idea of forever is scary (I struggled with this and the fear of “will we like each other in 20 years?” right after we got engaged), But this is what gave me hope: Both my fiance and I are good, honorable people who love and respect (Notice I didn’t say, “are HOT for” or Lust after) each other. That is all I can promise and all I can work towards and hope for. You can’t deal with 20 years because you aren’t there yet. These thoughts are just another protection that you are setting up. Find out what the true feelings behind it is.

Adelina – what you are describing is EXACTLY what happened to me this time last year. I was head over heels with my boyfriend, waiting excitedly for him to propose after 2 years of dating (one living together) and when he did I felt like I was outside my own body. For days after I felt this nameless pressure building up inside me. I felt disconnected, panicky, confused, disorientated, soooo sad, frustrated… until it all came to a head with the first panic attack of my life. I am now happily married but it’s been the hardest/most amazing and profound year of my life! I cannot recommend the e-course enough. I’m still on it every day and the support that we all give each other is priceless. I know it’s a lot of money and I’m not trying to pressurise you to spend money you dont have but i think there is an instalment payment option. All I would say is that my real work only began when I joined the course in October last year. If things dont get any easier for you, please take comfort in knowing that there is a whole community that are available to help you through this. If you really can’t afford it right now then please know that you are NOT alone, that these feelings do NOT mean you’re with the wrong person and that it is possible to get through this and reconnect with your partner.

Kate: I had the same thoughts as you and am also in college. I too think, “I’m not engaged so this must mean it doesn’t apply to me right?” All I know is anxiety is anxiety. I don’t think it matters whether we’re young or old or in a relationship, engaged or married. I don’t think it matters what stage you are in anxiety can still attack you like it seems to attack the engaged or married people on this site. It all comes down to the relationship anxiety regardless. That’s just my thoughts though.

Hi there,
I just read this whole article and the comments without realising that this is a forum for engaged people or newlyweds… I’m not engaged but have been with my boyfriend about a year and a half and have some troubles with physical attraction and lack of passionate sex in my relationship, (as well as going through periods of disliking him when I’ve got PMT to the point where I doubt it will work out), even though he’s the most caring, supportive and loyal guy I’ve ever been with.
Do you guys think this e-course would be suitable for me?

I wanted to tell you that just reading the post I just wrote when i said “Usually you know when its wrong” caused my anxiety to go up too!! You are not alone in this, ladies. Phrases like “I just knew he was the one” and so on, have caused us think that something is wrong with your relationship when in actually, its just that there is inner work that needs to be done. The mind plays horrible tricks if you allow it to. The great thing is that you have the power to push past these knee-jerk responses to fear and uncover the true feelings for me: Fear of my fiance dying or leaving me. See it is a lot easier to just tell yourself that everything should be perfect and when it is not, something must be wrong. It is easier to do that then to go deep down into the caverns of your mind and uncover the fears that you, Kate seem to have had for a long time (I say that because you mentioned separation anxiety, something i have also always struggled with).
You are not alone, and this has nothing to do with the caring, generous, and love-able man you are with.

KK thanks so much for helping me!! I feel so horrible even writing the words saying ‘maybe I’m unsure’! I’m so terrified! I just want to be happy with my boyfriend without all these complications! Is it really normal to feel confused about having such an amazing man! My parents love him to bits and so do my friends! My mom is quite supportive telling me how happy he makes me and telling me that she knows I love him and everything! But I feel like I should know this all for myself! I know deep down how I feel I think, in the beginning of our relationship, the first 5 months, it’s was such a whirlwind! I kept thinking this is the man I am marrying and being with forever! I have never felt that happy in my life.. But then i started constantly worrying…nothing has changed with him, he is exactly the same now to how he was in the beginning! Now I just cry all the time when I’m with him, not sad tears, but tears of what seem to be fear of not wanting what we have to end by me maybe screwing it up! My boyfriend tells me I won’t screw it up because he knows how much I love him…. Do does this mean that I apply to what you ladies feel on this site… Do I have relationship anxiety? It truly is me and not my amazing boyfriend??

Kate: It sounds like relationship anxiety to me. I feel for you as I struggle with it every day. I’ve struggled with it off and on for 5 years with my boyfriend. It’s like little voices inside my head nitpick and judge every wrong thing he does yet I fail to focus on the many many positives that outweigh the negatives. In fact all of the negatives are hardly anything compared to what others have to deal with in their relationships. I fail to remember that he could nitpick and judge me just as much as I do him and I would feel terrible. I keep thinking well maybe I should leave and get out so I can feel better but I know the minute I would do that I would feel 10 times worse. And besides that something inside me knows that I want to learn how to love the right way with him. I don’t want to lose a good relationship because of my anxiety. I’m working on looking at my relationship in a more positive way.

Ladies, definitely do NOT go googling about relationship problems!One thing that definitely ‘helped’ me dig myself into a hole of panick, depression and anxiety was starting to look for answers on different websites.It is so scary how easily we identify ourselves in stories we hear or read.I think it’s safe to say that you never know what goes on in one’s life and 2 situations are never the same. Sheryl points it out so well when she writes about negative projectionvs. positive projection!Finding this blog was the best thing I could ever have done and I can’t wait to join the e-course when I can afford it.I’m so bored of feeling outside of my own body,tired of thinking that my relationship is under the microscope and fed up with nit-picking my fiancé!I just want it all to be back to when I was comfortable and full of positive energy.

Tropikalgirl: I know how hard it is and every time I see somebody saying that their anxiety has returned, I just get more depressed and anxious thinking that this is something I will never get rid of. Today I’m not too well and my focus has shifted back on my partner to an extent where I start imagining what it’d be like if I just left…almost indulging in fabricating scenarios of me ‘not missing him’ and it becomes so believable that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I am absolutely helpless when controlling my mind…

I think everyone should take a look at this article by Dr. Glenn Berger! It coincides with fear and not opening up to loving! It addresses the “attraction” and “chemistry” issue and it really opened my eyes! Check it out, it is what everyone needs to hear!

http://datingtipsforfindinglove.com/instant-chemistry-or-attraction-can-stop-you-from-finding-love/

I’m not sure how I missed this post, but this seriously hits home right now. I was horribly anxious while I was engaged, but through reading this blog and The Conscious Bride I was able to get married and feel good about it. However, after nearly nine months of marriage, the anxiety has returned to this very topic. I find myself extremely anxious when faced with any physical intimacy and it has started to make me question if I’m physically and sexually attracted to my husband. This was never a problem early on in our relationship, which just makes this harder. I have tried to just power through the anxiety and do it despite how I’m feeling and it works… sometimes. When it doesn’t work and I can’t just relax, I panic even though my husband is understanding and supportive. Even talking about this makes me anxious. I’m not sure what to do or how to combat it.

Thank you so much for this post Sheryl. I had to go through so much terrible advice online before I came to this but I am glad I persevered.