“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

My ongoing counseling practice is currently full. However, if you would like information about my single coaching sessions, please send me a short inquiry using the form on the contact tab above or CLICK HERE.

The fastest and most effective way to receive support from me is through my 30 day programs and e-courses.



Most people find me because they're experiencing intense anxiety around their relationship or other aspects of life. But they quickly learn that the anxiety is an opportunity into a profound level of healing that they never knew possible. In other words, relationship anxiety actually has little to do with one's partner but is an opportunity to heal deep-seated false beliefs about love, marriage, and self-worth. As such, my counseling practice has grown over the last fifteen years from a specific focus on transitions to a wide lens approach to helping people transform their anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, and lack of fulfillment into serenity, aliveness, and joy.

I rely on many tools in my counseling practice. At the core of my work is a profound respect for the mysteries of the human psyche and the belief that beyond the thoughts, experiences, and feelings that keep us limited, we are all inherently whole and capable of living from this  reservoir of well-being. My expertise in the field of transitions informs the work, as does my training in Jungian psychology, journaling, dreamwork, somatic connection, mindfulness, and, above all, gratitude and love.

103 comments to Counseling

  • Laurie

    Hi Sheryl,
    I am going through a very rough time right now with anxiety and depression. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and lived with him for one. The past five years in general have been very difficult as I’ve watched my mother suffer through chronic illness and my grandma die of Lou Gehrig’s disease last summer. I want to get married for many reasons. I love him and want a family with him. I want my mom to be able to be at my wedding (I’m scared that she may die if it’s put off for years). I want to know that he is committed to me and that I’m not giving him everything without that promise. I know for many people in today’s society marriage doesn’t mean anything. But for me–it has always meant everything. I don’t care about a fancy wedding. I just want to feel secure in my bond. The problem is–he says he wants to marry me but doesn’t see why it has to be in the near future. This hurts me to my core and as a result makes me act angrily towards him. It’s so messed up that the root of me wanting marriage is love–but that my pain makes me act anything but loving and pushes him away. Can you please provide some insight? I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling this way. I want the respect of being a wife, not a girlfriend.

    • It sounds like a very painful situation, and I’m guessing that there are deeper underpinnings at play in your dynamic with your boyfriend. Please email me directly using the contact form above so we can talk about this further.

  • Kristin

    I’ve been wanting to write to you for awhile. Everything I’ve read that acknowledges the transition of a bride (the tough stuff) is usually about her identity in becoming a wife (in regard to having the husband). Well, my case seems so unique… I can’t seem to even look it up on the internet.

    My fiance and I became engaged in December 2010. Right away, I thought I had to ask a bridal party (he had asked his “Best Men” BEFORE he had even proposed to me. Well, I asked 5 girls right away: 3 friends and my cousin… and one of my friend’s daughters to be the flower girl (later to ask his sister). They became distant, unreachable, yet controlling behind the scenes immediately to the point where anxiety over their control had me sleepless, losing weight, and sick. I didn’t realize I was getting sick over them at first. I thought I was just depressed which led me to looking up depression during engagement on the internet which led me to your book. The two girls I had asked to be my MOH’s became BEST FRIENDS (to the point where they even had the same birthday), hanging out with each other often on their own, the friend who I asked to be a bridesmaid was sending me e-mails telling me that they weren’t really my friends but that she was my “real and true” friend… only to find out, weeks later, that when I was trying to discuss this with them that that girl, too, was jealous she wasn’t the MOH and talking angrily about me.

    I cut off ties with the three of them. I then felt because there was so much “drama” that I don’t want to discuss it with anyone. I just wanted it to end but the sequence of unexpected events just wracked my mind. It’s much better now that they’re gone… but it was a big eye opener… what the HECK was that?!?! I now realize I have to be very selective in my choice of friends in our marriage. Perhaps that was the lesson… but wow… life has a way of throwing some curveballs!

    Benefits of what happened: I can help other young girls with my unique situation (though I really would love to hear from others who can relate), my relationship with my mom mended (she was locationally and emotionally distant), I’m more aware and discerning of character/who to let “close”

    Negative: I don’t think they knew how I felt or that they understand what they did… I received no apologies… I’m also having a challenging time separating the situation from being a big “event” I will remember as part of the engagement period… it’s like I was finally happy and they wanted to take my happiness… a little jaded. My fiance also doesn’t fully understand what happened.

    Do you know others who have LOST friends during this time?

    • It’s actually quite common to lose friends during a wedding – or any – transition. Transitions are times when we weed out aspects of ourselves and our friendships that are no longer serving us. It’s another area of grief that needs to be acknowledged and expressed. And it’s usually a signal that it’s time to find new friendships that reflect your current stage of growth.

  • […] now one of my greatest joys to help others work through their fear voices and learn to choose love. When clients email me their daily dialogues, I analyze them line by […]

  • […] I mean and I’m preaching to the choir. But for the women and men who I work with every day in counseling, it’s a crushing moment when the infatuation drug wears off and they’re left to begin […]

  • […] is how Rebecca (not her real name) described it in a recent session with […]

  • […] not only how to stay calm at the altar but also how to have a truly joyous wedding day. After counseling thousands of women over the last 14 years through their engagements, I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty […]

  • Chrissy

    Hi Sheryl.
    I read one of your articles on a site. And I’ve been going through a rough time within my relationship. When my boyfriend and I first got together, we were so happy. I’ve had abandonment issues though, and multiple other problems, but he knew that before we began dating. This is a long distance relationship as of currently. But we visit each other when possible. The last time he visited though, he broke up with me. Due to arguments and such. But, I couldn’t let him go. I had finally trusted him at that point before the breakup. And we got back together, and now I feel like I’m back at square one. And I don’t know what to do. I want to run, but I fought so hard to be with him. And I feel he’s The One. I can’t give up now. What should I do?

  • Kathryn

    Hey Sheryl,I am a young woman in a relationship that has been good for 3 years, with a very loving man. The only problem we have ever had with each other was my anxiety about us. Someone in my family once speculated I didn’t SEEM to love my partner very much and it has haunted me ever since. I consistently worry I am not happy with him at all and when I’m worried this way I can’t be happy. When I am worried it’s like I cannot remember how I feel around him at all. I was initially very infatuated with him and now this feeling is gone. I used to ache for his presence but now I am fine with being alone as well, even sometimes appreciate it. And when we’re together I’m not lovesick for him, I am just comfortable. When I get worried this way, it is so devestating I just can’t even sleep and hardly eat. I’m terrified I do not truly love and enjoy my partner, and want to resolve this anxiety and just get back to normal and know that I do love my partner.

    • Hi Kathryn: You’ve found your way to the right place! Many people on my site and forum struggle with anxiety brought on my similar comments, and, with the right tools and information, you can work through the anxiety that is trying to protect you from the risk of loving. Since you’ve posted on my counseling page, I’ll email you information about my sessions.

    • sasha kirsch

      hi kathryn. i read your post on the counseling page…and wow everything you said is EXACTLY how i am feeling. I would love to talk to you about your post.
      If you can email me that would be great! my email is
      thanks again,

    • julie

      i read some of your discussions about relationship anxiety issue..and u cannot imagine how thankful i am that i came across this page…i am understanding what i am feeling now…now i want to register here so i can also be a part of this amazing community…can you plz tell me how to get a registration password..i got stuck there..plz do reply soon.thank you.

  • […] clients and e-course members often ask me, “If love isn’t only a feeling, how do I know I love […]

  • […] clients and e-course members often ask me, “If love isn’t only a feeling, how do I know I love […]

  • […] clients and e-course members often ask me, “If love isn’t only a feeling, how do I know I love […]

  • […] I could crystallize my work with clients who are scared to take the next step in their relationships, it would be this sentence: […]

  • […] expected run opposite a shade of your mind during your engagement. The many common that we see in my practice […]

  • […] My clients come to me with a host of erroneous beliefs that inform their anxiety and confusion regarding their upcoming marriages. I’ve discussed several of these beliefs in recent articles, such as thinking they’re supposed to feel more in love during their engagement than ever and wondering ifthoughts about an ex mean they’re not supposed to get married. But there is one belief that is talked about even less than the others: that at the wedding day, the relationship itself is supposed to be at its height of ease, love, and workability. […]

  • […] My clients come to me with a host of erroneous beliefs that inform their anxiety and confusion regarding their upcoming marriages. I’ve discussed several of these beliefs in recent articles, such as thinking they’re supposed to feel more in love during their engagement than ever and wondering if thoughts about an ex mean they’re not supposed to get married. But there is one belief that is talked about even less than the others: that at the wedding day, the relationship itself is supposed to be at its height of ease, love, and workability. […]

  • […] My clients come to me with a host of erroneous beliefs that inform their anxiety and confusion regarding their upcoming marriages. I’ve discussed several of these beliefs in recent articles, such as thinking they’re supposed to feel more in love during their engagement than ever and wondering ifthoughts about an ex mean they’re not supposed to get married. But there is one belief that is talked about even less than the others: that at the wedding day, the relationship itself is supposed to be at its height of ease, love, and workability. […]

  • Amy

    Hi Sheryl

    I’m happy to have stumbled apon your site. I have only VERY recently had the realization that most of the issues in my new marriage (3 months) and prior to marriage seven year relationship, are being caused by ME and my thoughts. It’s quite overwhelming to even think about since I’ve heavily convinced myself our problems are rooted with him. I have struggled with almost constant negative thoughts, especially in the year of engagement but not limited to that, that my now husband is either cheating, lying to me, setteled for me, I may not really love him … ect. The thoughts have gotten so bad recently that they have started to consume our life and our relationship and our marriage is hanging on by only the memomries of what we used to be and, very rarely, a clearing of negativity – where we’re what we once were. My husband is of course human and not without flaws but I seemed to have zoned in on him and I’m constantly complaining, negative and accusing. Much without prompt or logic. It’s strange, as I know most of it is irrational but I’m not sure how to break the pattern. Even though my mind convinces me he’s cheating or lying or I deserve better or want different, my heart and soul have never been fully convinced. For this I’m grateful but I’m on the verge of loosing my marriage if I can’t make some stride towards stoping this negative behaviour. I need to stop it for myself and for my husband – he deserves credit for being a faithful and loving partner.

  • […] often, my clients and e-course members who are in the midst of the marriage transitions cut right to the core and […]

  • […] often, my clients and e-course members who are in the midst of the marriage transitions cut right to the core and […]

  • Kendal

    Hi Sheryl,
    I am generally a happy person, but I feel I could be MUCH happier. I feel like my moments of true happiness and calm are short-lived, there is always a dark cloud hanging over me, threatening to engulf me. It’s like I can’t allow myself to be happy, it’s torture. Anytime I am feeling blissful, like I am finally surrounded by light, that black cloud comes down almost immediately and fills me up with anxiety, grief, and self-doubt, which I try to ignore or stifle only causing it all to come out as frustration and anger, it puts me on the verge of tears no matter where I am, or what I’m doing. Along with these bad feelings come constant flashbacks of painful memories, I try so hard to block them out but it seems to only make it worse. This happens so often and so intensely that it makes it extremely difficult to live in the present, to concentrate on present tasks, and to feel alive and connected with myself and my partner. It feels like my mind is stuck in the past and that is NOT where I want to be. This constant cycle of happy-sad worries my fiance and I know she feels the tension and the distance I put between us. I love her so much, I know we’re right for each other, she is my dream come true, everything I’ve ever wanted, and I want to give her all of myself and my love, I SHOULD be so happy, I want to be, but it feels like a constant struggle.
    To give you a bit of a back story, I grew up in a small town surrounded by the same people for 18 years, I graduated from the high school there and moved away but remained friends with the same people, and had an alright family life. When I turned 19 I met who I truly believe is my soul mate, we’ve been together ever since the day we met, but since she is also a woman and we’re considered “gay” my very Catholic family were and have been against our being together since the beginning. We try our best to get along with them but it definitely takes a toll on my mentality and our relationship. I tried to introduce her to my friends but for some reason they pushed me away, I don’t know if it’s because they don’t accept us either, or they never really liked me to begin with, or they don’t like the person I’ve become with her or WHAT! But I lost all of them too. My whole life and everything I knew is gone or changed. When I turned 21 we got engaged, and I feel great about it! But like I said there’s this big black cloud in my way of true happiness and freedom. I know these things happen, I know with life changing transitions comes loss of friends, family, and identity. I don’t want my old life back, I feel that all these changes have been really good for me, but I think the shifts and emotions happened so fast all at once that I wasn’t able to really process them and now I’m all mixed up and anxious and I want to feel cleared, I want to let go! I don’t want to remember I want to live NOW. I want to be young and in love and put my all into us and our marriage and walk happily, surely, and bravely up the path ahead, I want to feel free of the chains that hold me back. I just don’t know how.
    Thank you for your time and love and your amazing website 🙂

  • chelsea

    Hi Sheryl, I look forward to participating in your counseling group in the future as I’m not able to at this time. The work you do is so uplifting an a blessing, you truly our blessed with the work you do :). It’s an amazing feeling to know that there’s a reason behind my doubts an it’s not my partner. It’s also kind of neat to know that the one thing that hurts an tears me down so much right now is a lesson to be learned and something to grow from. Your work has giving me a breath of fresh air, when you talk to people now a days an tell them your having doubts about your partner they’ll just tell you to leave an that hurts worse than anything to hear. So thank you for all you do an I look forward to your sessions 🙂

    • chelsea

      You’ve given me a hope that somewhere deep down under all the fear an anxious mind there is hope, hope that I can love my partner without the fear an doubt an the way he deserves to be loved, hope that even though I don’t understand the reason for this at all right now someday I will an I will grow an learn from it. So thank-you for all of the work you do Sheryl 🙂

  • Chanel

    Hey Sheryl, I’m really glad I came across this page to read. I’m going through quite a struggle right now, as to whether I should stay with my long-term boyfriend or not. We have been together for 4.5 years and we have moved together to another state from my home state (so I gave up being close to my family & two jobs for his dream in another place and I was promised a great life out here, which isn’t happening in my opinion, I’m just working and there is no fun or passion in my life). We have lived together for almost 4 years now total. I feel like there are many emotional/mental issues that go on in our relationship that effect me negatively including how much I feel like I have to walk this line that he has established, how he is often not serious, how he complains about more things than is pleased, and how he tries to justify the things he does and says because he has a want to be in the right most of the time. I also notice some other physical traits he has that bother me which include: His need to have ‘proper’ things (a new couch, tv, coffee table, washer and dryer)which are things we cannot necessarily afford, his face being glued to his iphone on facebook (when we are at dinner, the movies, at home, driving in the car, and more), how he doesn’t have a car or a bank account (I drive him around and he gives me cash-money for utilities and rent so I feel like I am being used in a way), and how he never asks me about me dreams or goals in life. All of these things just leave me feeling down, depressed, and almost like he doesn’t even really know who I really am, and nor does he make an attempt to get to know me. I admit I have made mistakes in our relationship, including how I have almost left him twice now for other people (the first time because I was feeling incredibly used because he didn’t have a job and I ended up supporting him for almost a two years, and the second time just this last year as we moved to another state together and into a house with three of his guys friends and our relationship felt like it was dying because we had no alone time, we rarely ‘talk’ talked, we stopped doing regular dates and the house he had moved me into was literally falling apart and in a horrible neighborhood where you could hear gunshots). The second time I almost left him was after we left my home state, he promised me a brighter future and what he moved me into was the worst living situation I have ever been in. I felt lied to, and that my trust in him (I had entrusted him with my physical well-being) had been smashed to bits. And even to this day, even though we now are living alone together (just him and I in an apartment without his friends), all those mental/physical things are going on I listed above. He thinks our relationship is fine, and when I try to bring up issues to him like the ones I posted above, even a simpler one like having his face glued to his cell phone, we don’t have ‘talks’ about it, he will just say a snarky comment or two or three to put me in my place, or if it gets bad (into an argument), he just yells at me and I don’t get any words in edge wise. It’s like I can’t simply talk to him anymore, but then at the same time, I’m also on the flip-side afraid to talk to him because if I do, more often then not, I know it’s going to lead to me getting put down or me getting yelled at if it gets super bad. I need help. I really do, especially with how I feel right now, as new people (one man in particular) randomly floated into my life (as you said the world is constantly flowing and changing), and he is opposite of my boyfriend in most ways: very understanding, a listener, wants to know about my goals/dreams, and acts interested in the real ‘me’ (not just interested when I am prettied up or whether I have dressed nice, which is how I feel it is becoming with my boyfriend). This new man also I can have a conversation with as well. As we are just friends at the current moment, we can talk about so many different things and there is always a constant chatter between us. I don’t have that with my boyfriend at all. It is actually HARD to start a conversation with him, and when I do spike his interest which is seldom, I usually find myself wishing I hadn’t as he again, just chatters about things he is just displeased with mostly. I gets old listening to someone criticizing most things, and having a constant critical eye over you. I feel like I literally am being ‘watched’ most of the time. And what is even worse is I know if he read this, he would say plain as day that ‘I have it all wrong’ and that ‘I have no idea what I am talking about’, and would be concerned more of the fact that I am just making him out to be an asshole, when that certainly is not the case at him. By all means, he is not the villain,I am just simply seeking help. My boyfriend also has told me he doesn’t want anyone else in his life, and wants to have a family and marriage with me on down the road. That irks me horribly, because of everything that is going on. What do you think? Is it better to move on, not necessarily with someone else (as this new man just is making me realize that there are other people out there who are opposite of my boyfriend, since I feel like I had forgotten about how other men could be since I have been with my boyfriend so long), or is it better to stay with him understanding that we have been together a good chunk of time, but I can never really solve any issues I have with him, and also knowing we share no common goals (because he doesn’t even know mine)?

  • Jason

    Hello Sheryl,

    I came across your website after I decided I want to overcome my relationship anxiety, once and for all, so I can be happy and stop sabotaging myself.

    I’ve always had OCD and Asperger’s, so it’s very difficult to not only understand others, but also to trust and have realistic expectations for them. I grew up very afraid of getting close to others, all the while enjoying people in general, and only in the last few years have I decided to leave my bubble and start making friends and dating.

    I’ve mostly had short flings over the last few years, but a couple of good relationships were ruined my my anxiety. I would always struggle immensely with self-doubt, future-tripping and obsessive thoughts upon becoming more official with someone, and would end up convincing myself that I’m either too crazy or overbearing to be with, eventually ending things myself.

    I’m very sick of this process. After many dates with a woman I really adore, we decided to go steady (as of a week or so ago). I’m very happy with this and excited, but I’m also extremely worried that something I do or say could chase her off, or that my anxiety will make me do something dumb.

    She’s never given me an actual reason to believe that any of my worries are true, by still, my mind races constantly; at work, at home, I’ve missed a lot of sleep. Even though we always have tons of fun when we see eachother and are getting more and more intimate and close, I’m haunted with thoughts of her trying to avoid talking with me, among other things.

    Unlike other women I’ve seen in the past, I feel a unique warmth and closeness to my girlfriend that I’ve never felt for anyone else. I really like her and want to spend more time with her, but I’m terrified of my own mind and my anxiety, and don’t want things to end because of getting all worked up and impulsive.

    It’s hard understanding my anxiety but being so scared of it 🙁 is this sort of thing normal, even for someone without OCD, in relationships?

    Thanks so much for your time, and your blog. 🙂

  • Val

    Hi Sheryl,
    I’m so happy that I found your work. I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. The first time I can remember feeling debilitating anxiety was when I went away to college. At that time I visited a counselor who helped me to overcome my anxious thoughts and worries. I am now experiencing the same feelings of anxiety except they are focused on my relationship. I met a wonderful man who loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We have been together for 4 years and have lived together for close to 3. I can’t Imagine my life without him but these feelings of anxiety are overwhelming. I almost feel ashamed. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I’m afraid of what they will say. My biggest fear is that somebody will tell me to break up with him which is NOT what I want to do at all. However sometimes the anxiety is so bad I feel like that is my only option so that it goes away. Thanks for listening Sheryl, I’m very interested in your counseling sessions.

  • Emmanuel

    Hello Everyone,

    I would like to tell all of you that if you are suffering from relationship anxiety and there is no problem with your significant other then fight for it no matter what. I have experience this relationship anxiety because there are times (almost always) that i am nervous why i am continuing this relationship, i always feel like we need to split, but of course my mind doesnt want to but my feelings does, we always have short breakups with my gf then together back again. But now she feel tired and doesn’t want to be together again, of course she doesn’t know my situation although i try to explain it before. I always have this negative feeling in my chest (i mean literally physical annoyance in my chest). But now, we are not together, i have this heavy, choking feeling in my chest, now i know i love her, but she is gone. So my advice to everyone, don’t take things for granted, you will never know the importance of the person, especially if there is no problem with your significant other. I am the same Emmanuel who post last October 21. Maybe my gf is right that my ego have gone up (sorry if my grammar is wrong) and always thinking that the grass is greener than the other side. We are not yet married, gf bf relationship only and we have a good relationship for 7 mo then my infatuation ended then from 8 up to 11.5 mo are the times when are relationship went hell. I have no regrets in our breakup during that time, maybe because the break up is not OFFICIAL, but now it is all over. I am telling everyone that always give time and put effort to show you care, show them you care and make them feel secure, which i cannot show because of this relationship anxiety, do not escape from your FEAR, learn to eliminate the cause of it and you will live a healthy life. By the way before i knew the meaning of infatuation and everything else, because of my gf’s change on her physical appearance i started this anxiety thing, but after a few googling i saw this site then i know that my infatuation ended. That is where the hell begins. My lack of self love and appreciation makes me want to make my gf to be prettier, instead of making myself look good and feel good to my gf. Also laziness is opposite of love, i can tell you that, always show your appreciation before it is too late. To everyone, love your significant other even though they change physically, even if that infatuation is gone. Imagine life with out your partner, although i assure you you cant imagine it right now because of the fear wanting you to escape from the relationship, but please, dont lose to fear. My advice is do loving things for yourself, to your partner and to others. The love that God want you to do, to learn, not the love because of you emotion.

  • AnnHart

    Hello. I am going through a difficult time with my emotions at this time in my life. I am now together with my Fiancé for 6 years. We have been engaged for over 2 years. I constantly question my love for him and if I am settling. We have had some major bumps in the road. He has made some mistakes that have hurt me and I would forgive him because I wanted to make it work. He is now in a stable career and so am I. He tells me everyday that he loves me but I struggle saying it back as I have issues with the genuity of my feelings for him. I have said I have forgiven him for the past but am I just convincing myself that I have. He is very good to me and does whatever I need and want 99.9% of the time. I wonder if I leave I may not find anyone like him again. Also, he has become very close to my family which makes it so much more difficult. I thoroughly enjoy his company but wonder if that is enough to continue with wedding plans and a future together. Please help me someone. 🙁 I am feeling so lost.

    • My counseling practice is full at the moment, but everything you’ve described is why I created the Conscious Weddings E-Course, and I cannot encourage you enough to give yourself the best gift you can give right now by going through the course. It’s the most effective action anyone struggling with relationship anxiety can take, whether dating, engaged, or married.

  • Rita

    Hi Sheryl,
    I recently read an article that really spiked my anxiety. It talked about waiting for someone with whom there is not only sexual attraction but a firm foundation of friendship. I wasn’t sexually attracted to my husband when we met and I didn’t think I would marry him. I did. We do have a “connection” like you write about. But I’ve felt resentful and trapped because I’ve felt something is missing for me. We’ve been married over 8 years and I’ve struggled with this the whole time. I know I have issues around perfectionism, control, anxiety, self-doubt, etc. I’m just trying to figure out if this is relationship anxiety or a true lack of romantic love. Here’s the other part, because of my spiritual beliefs I would feel it wrong for me to end my marriage. I believe in living up to the vow I made before God. Can you please point me in the right direction?
    Thank you for all you do!

  • Laura

    Hey Sheryl,

    I am so glad I came across your website. I am desperately looking for help regarding relationship anxiety. I have a complicated past and my fears are very irrational – it influences my entire life. I have been to therapists before and it helped to find the reasons for my anxieties. Now though I need a way to tackle them and it seems you would be the best person to help me get there. When will you have counselling sessions available again?
    Thank you so much for everything.

  • Maey

    Hello Sheryl,
    Im so lost, cant find out what the real issue is but i feel i m not satisfied with my life. Nothing is good enough for me: although i have loving parents, the job evryone is dreaming about, im getting married in few months to a great man. When i think of all these i understand that is more than enough to be happy… Howere something is missing.. I cant fully enjoy all the good things happening to me. When i think of root cause i m coming to conclusion that i depend on my emotional dependancy to the man i love: when i feel assired he loves me too- im the happiest person on earth, when i cant get assurance, when he doesnt show affection – i feel sad and depressed. The issue here is that he is emotionally cold person and i feel sometimes there is no emotional connection between us. Now im starting doubting if he is not going to change( and 99% he wont) how would i ever be happy, how would i get his affection to me doze , im agraid it ll make me always to be needy and clingy. So i guess here we have the following: i have a personal problem with being dependant on someone gshowing enough affection, my man is being cold and doesnt give me emotional satisfaction or there is mixture of both or maybe its just something wrong with me.. Both of us believe we need premarital counseling, however in the country we live in now its not that easy to find a good one, i guess almost impossible. Therefore, if you advice which ecourse would suit my situation and are you doing counseling remotely as well?

  • Jenna

    Hi Sheryl, I need some guidance. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He’s a wonderful guy, always there for me, never stops doing things for me and my family, he’s loving and very adoring. We have been very happy together. About 6 months ago there was an issue that broke my trust with him…since then we have remained together but fight a lot more often but are in love so we want to stay together. We for the most part are joined at the hip. We recently took a vacation and he cleaned, cooked and did everything in his possibilities to take care of me and my family. We had a great vacation except toward the end of the trip we got in argument that really jolted me. Again it threw me back into a position where I questioned his trust/honesty. We made up 4 days later and everything was fine. But I all of a sudden it’s like a switch had gone off in me, I’ve gone from being totally in love and wanting to be around eachother all the time to having anxiety at the thought of being together, fearing when i see him that I will want to run away, or that I don’t feel the same anymore…I’m questioning all my feelings and waks up with anxiety and feel sad and guilty about my doubts. One week ago I was happy with him and wanted to be together all the time now I’m getting anxiety and sadness at not knowing if he’s the one or stressing about seeing him. I can’t even sleep when I’m in the same bed as him. What’s going on? I’m so confused. My sleep and eating is off now…feels like all my emotions have changed in a blink of an eye. I just want to feel happy and in love like I did. I’ve always had doubts about him but the love we shared seemed to over power that… Any guidance or help would be greatly appreciated

    • If trust has been broken that needs to be addressed before doing any of my courses. I would encourage that the two of you go into couples’ counseling so that you can repair the broken trust.

  • Jenna

    Wondering which course for me would best to sign up for?

  • Razan


    I got into an arranged engement to a great guy 6 months ago. I am confused because I’m not sure I like him to begin with, he’s a great guy and his family are amazing too. But I’m not sure about the guy, i became anxious and eventually fell for depression (Im also on accutane). I’m supposed to make a decision soon but I’m so scared I let go of someone so amazing, great and giving not only to me but everyone around him.

    I can’t take a decision and its driving me nuts! What should I do? How would I know if I could love him? He deserves to have someone who shares the same feelings with him.

  • Feeling hopeless

    I am newly single and I’m having intrusive thoughts about being straight(I just came out of a same sex female relationship) and I feel like I’m shut down towards girls etc. I read the articles you have up but they don’t really seem to apply in the sense that I’m not in a relationship. Do you think you could offer some insight? Also I don’t know which course would really be helpful to me.

  • Kpro

    Hi Sheryl,
    I am 23 years old, I have been with my boyfriend almost a year in may. Here about three weeks ago I went to lay down in bed beside him and started panicking and freaking out. If you know me and my boyfriend we have an awesome relationship. We never argue, I do what i want he does what he wants. I fell hard and fast for him, He is still the light of my life. I can’t imagine my life without him. I have thoughts like “is this what I want, (although my heart does) do I really love him, and then I sometimes picture my life without him and start to panic and can’t breathe. When I first got into this relationship I partied, I had a ton of friends, I never was home. We moved in together about 4 months after dating (I know a little early, but I know he is the one I want to spend my entire life with) I want him to be the father of my children, a marriage then whole nine yards. But once we actually settled down we got really used to each other and quit doing much. I lost all my friends, I dont drink anymore, or go out. I just sit at home all the time. I still to this day will never understand why this started happening to me, I just want closure. He says he wants to marry me and so on. My doctor put me on prozac to help me and sometimes I cant even sleep or eat. It is really tearing me apart, because I want it to go away, I want to be that happy girl. My boyfriend is my best friend. But with all of this going on I feel so guilty for everything. Please help me.

  • Melanie

    Sheryl, your articles have always been a source of serenity to me; they assure me that my relationship is healthy. My boyfriend is sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, a gentleman, and we share the same morals and life goals. On paper it sounds perfect! However, about half the time I’m with him, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something’s not right. I keep thinking it’s intuition, but I’ve had intuition before, and it was dark…now it’s just like “Something doesn’t click.” Ugh, “click.” A buzzword that spikes my anxiety BIGTIME, along with “connection” and “chemistry.” Every time I hear of someone ignoring their intuition I always say to myself (it’s an instant reaction) “that’s me, that’s what I’m doing.” But I can’t think of anything in my relationship that’s a red flag! It seems like reading articles online and seeing Hollywood-portrayed romances makes the reality of love look wrong. Which makes me feel like something’s wrong! I’ve analyzed our relationship and nothing’s wrong, at all, except for the fact that since we have such different personalities, I don’t “click” with him very well. But I still have that feeling that won’t go away! It distracts me from my work and sleep! Can anxiety really be that strong? Or is it my intuition? Thank you for your inspiring articles.

  • Mimi

    Dear Sheryl,
    first of all, your website has helped me so much and I am so very grateful!
    I just wanted to ask you a quick question – I started battling relationship anxiety and I am seeing a therapist. Her approach is really straightforward and rational but somehow I cannot look at this anxiety rationally. She tells me that it’s normal and to tell myself things like “so what” when anxious thoughts appear but that seems crazy to me, as I told her. The other thing is that I’ve never been a spiritual person, I never had a “deep relationship” with myself, always avoided negative feeling and now that I have these I am overwhelmed. I was always afraid addressing those feelings because I’m afraid “what may lie underneath them” like there is something so terrible…
    Do you think there is hope for me, could I find a inner relationship with myself?! I am 30 and in a 6-year old relationship, about to start living with my finace.
    Thank you soo much, your answer would mean a world to me!

    • Yes, you can always develop a relationship with yourself. In fact, without it it’s very difficult to have a healthy relationship with another. The anxiety is a gift in that it’s inviting you to connect with yourself in a whole new way and learn to move toward difficult feelings. I hope you accept the gift.

  • The Bee

    Dear Sheryl, I feel miserable! Since the year started I’ve been struggling to focus on my studies and study for my exams. Everyone is expecting me to finally graduate this year and I don’t feel it happening because I am stuck!
    I am moving next month to my hometown to start a life together with my fiance and all I can think about is that – how will I fit in, what will I do, will I find a good job, will I be happy…
    My parents as well as my fiance tell me things like: “If you really cared about your studies and/or us, you would have pushed through this uncomfortable situation and not back up like you are doing now! People who want something, work for it!” and I really start to believe that maybe I don’t want all those things bad enough… Deep inside I know that is not true, I DO want all the best things for myself and my partner/family but I have a problem of freezing when I get overwhelmed by emotions and some life situations. I already made the same mistake of freezing in highschool, which costed me to fail a year because I was so overwhelmed by my bad grades that I couldn’t force myself to study and make them better, so I just froze although I have capacity and skills to be a great student (as I proved in the year(s) after failing).
    Please, please, pleaseee… What do I do? Why is this happening? Where do I start fixing this huge problem? I feel so hopeless… The whole life is ahead of me and I’m failing at things that are supposed to be easy!
    Any kind of advice would be gold to me! I feel like I’m letting everyone I love, including myself, down and it hurts! 🙁

  • CA

    Can relationship anxeity happen in any stage of the relationship no matter how long or short of a time you’ve been together?

  • Layla

    Dear Sheryl,

    Are your courses suitable for people who have already been married?

    I am 30 years old & divorced from an unfaithful husband & am experiencing anxiety whenever I enter a new relationship. I am currently dating the most amazing, sound, caring, supportive & loving man who is absolutely perfect for me & wants all the same things in life as I do but there are massive barriers preventing me from committing to him – I was quite happy just fooling around with him but the minute anything turns serious I am ready to run for the hills asking myself if I am just ‘settling’ for this person & questioning why I don’t have the same ‘infactuation’ type feelings that I experienced with my now ex-husband – i’m doubting that I am even capable of ever feeling that way again. What is wrong with me? it’s not like the guy is asking to me to marry him!I can’t even let myself become his official ‘girlfriend’

    Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated

    (ps It was him who directed me to your website)

  • georgina

    Hello Sheryl! I love your newsletters, I look forward to them week after week.
    I’ve lately found myself wondering whether you could be my counselor on a one to one basis.
    I live in Argentina so, we’d have to figure out the distance but I’m sure that’s easy to tackle.
    I hope to hear from you soon. Thank you.
    Warm regards,

    • My ongoing counseling sessions are full but I’m currently offering single coaching session. I can also make referrals to two highly qualified therapists who are familiar with my work. If that’s of interest to you please email me directly using the contact form above.

  • Georgina

    Thank you for your reply Sheryl! I’m interested in your single coaching session. I’m not sure I understand what it entails so, I’d be glad to receive information about it (I’ve submitted my e-mail). I’m afraid I couldn’t find the contact form above. Or is it just contact on the top right hand? I’ll try that too! Thank you. Look forward to your reply. Best, G

  • Stephanie

    Sheryl, I need your wise advice. In my relationship with my unconditionally loving boyfriend (we are perfect for each other too!) I feel like I’ve forced myself to like him out of my fear of being alone (I’m ashamed to admit it.) but the better I know him the more things I discover about him that I love. My love for him comes and goes in waves. More than all my heart I want to love him fully but because I forced myself in the beginning I don’t know how to truly love him. Any advice please? It’s taken over my thoughts and ruined many days out of panic attacks. Help!

    • Read through all of my posts and consider the Conscious Weddings E-Course. Despite the title, it’s for anyone struggling with relationship anxiety and it will help you learn how to attend to your thoughts and feelings and will pull you out of your panic.

  • Julia

    Sheryl, I’m not sure if I’m experience anxiety like many woman on your blog post about. But I do find myself doubting my feelings in my healthy relationship. I feel a lot of fear when I think about it because I know I love him. Would any of your courses be helpful to me?

    • Anxiety is a manifestation of fear, so it sounds like you’re in the right place. I would recommend The Conscious Weddings E-Coures or Open Your Heart. I will also be releasing a new version of the e-course for ANYONE struggling with fear, doubt, or anxiety in their relationship in the next couple of months (not just those in the engagement/wedding transition) so you may want to wait for that – although the current e-course is about 85% applicable to anyone at any stage of relationship.

  • Nick

    Dear Sheryl,

    I purchased your e-course “conscious weddings” and I started watching and reading your material yesterday. I proposed two months ago and my wedding is almost in three weeks. The more I get close to the date the more anxious I get. I had anxiety two years ago before I even met my fiancée. I took pills for a while and then I got much better. Now it’s back few weeks before this major decision. I think I didn’t give myself enough time for the engagement period. A few weeks after the proposal we started planning for the wedding and it was me who wanted to rush the wedding not her. My fiancée is an amazing woman and I love her and we’ve been living together for over a year. Now the more I think about the scenarios of cancelling or postponing the wedding because of my mess the more I get anxious and sick to my stomach because of all the consequences that will follow. This is a very lonely time for me and I’ve never felt so lonely in my life but I can use any help or suggestions right now. I was hoping to talk to you in person on Skype but you said you’re fully booked right now.

    Thank you,

  • Sonya

    Hey Sheryl, my situation is quite different…. Haven’t found anything here that truly relates. I’ve been married for 28 years. In the beginning, he was ” the love of my life”. We married very quickly…. Love at first sight…… And married within 6 months… He had 2 children at the time an within the first year of our marriage I become pregnant. We had 2 children back to back and so we grew alittle apart between work and the care of 4 children…… His job kept him on the road the entire week and only home on the weekends. So….. We learned to live apart. The children all grew up and are now all on their own. 8 years ago, my husband had a nervous breakdown, so to say, an walked out on his job, on his life an on us. He became catatonic and I had him under the care of several Therapist / Psychiatric Dr.s …. No one could help him. I took care of him everyday…… All he did was sleep around the clock and read the same book over an over. Severe Depression had set in…. He would not allow me to even hug or kiss him…. He would pull away….. He would tell me that he saw me as his caretaker and intimacy with me now felt weird an awkward. Soooo I went 3 years with no physical contact at all . Little by little he has come around and is back to himself. He talks the same again, has projects he works on, laughs, smiles, but cannot work…… Work shuts him down again.? Our financial life has suffered severely, needless to say. I own my own Business and have been the only income for years. Without the help of my family we would have lost everything……. We lost so much when he shut down and I struggled so to hang on to what little we still have. I am very bitter, still…… We are now like brother an sister…… No intimacy whatsoever….. When we have tried….. Very awkward and not the same as when we were young . I’m ready to walk….. But just cannot take that step for whatever reason??? I’m tired, hungry for love and attention, and even though I care deeply for him….. Already hate the sound of his voice…..? Help

    • Hi Sonya: What a painful story, and yet, not an uncommon one. Sadly, men tend to go go go until they reach midlife and then they often breakdown from the stress of pushing aside their emotional life and their own needs for so long. My best recommendation to you is to seek the support of a couples’ therapist that has been trained in the EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) model. It has an 80% success rate and is the most well-researched model of couples’ therapy. You can learn more here:

      If you can’t afford therapy, I suggest that you both read Sue Johnson’s book, “Hold Me Tight” and buy her DVD by the same title. Read, watch, learn together and perhaps you will be able to rekindle the love and attraction that initially brought you together.

  • Emmi

    Do you do any individual coaching sessions regarding dream interpretation? I’ve had some related distressing dreams and would like some guidance and clarity to what may be causing them.

  • Stevie

    Hi Sheryl,
    I feel as though I have a very complicated\complex situation as I’m sure most do! I have been in a relationship for 11 months with the best man ever! I have always been in bad relationships and known it from start to finish. This one is so different and so healthy but all I can do is fear reasons it can’t work out!! We met in October, I knew within the first couple of weeks that I wanted to spend my life with him and felt as though we could conquer the world together. A feeling that I wasn’t framiliar with in past relationships but was loving it! And he felt the same exact way. We had known each other for years but not much more then acquaintances. Everyone around us that knew the both of us agreed that we made perfect sense! I never connected with someone so well and truly loved the person they were,it was amazing. And then about a month in all of a sudden I felt confused and paralyzed by the relationship. I started googling and found your relationship anxiety post and it described my feelings to a tee!! I had never been an anxious person, people always envied me for that. And all of a sudden I was blind sided with what I realized was fear. 1 year prior to all this I had gotten a divorce. From a man I never full heartedly was in love with and we just were going in 2 complete different directions in life, but it was a huge mental hardship to finally decide to really divorce. After much counseling and trying to make it work I decided to walk away, a decision I was and completely still am very sure was the right one. But aside from that emotional\mental strain I had also experienced 13 years prior the death of my very first love. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced and describe it as intolerable. I had never loved anyone as much as him until my current relationship, which is where I believe all this fear is coming from. After I found your articles and thought this through I felt like I could go on again loving my guy open heartedly! And it was great for a bout 3 months. Then we found out I was pregnant, we were and are ecstatic! Then we got engaged (which was in the works before we knew about the baby) that was awesome too! Then we purchased an amazing home, yay!!! After a few weeks of all this amazing life changes settling in my anxiety started again. I purchased the e course and that helped for a while, but here I am again! I started reading more articles today and I feel alittle better. We are married now and I have no doubt that I want to be with him forever and want to one else but I’m constantly questioning stupid things about us all the time that keep me from enjoying my days and our life together. I just want to make sure this is normal to have so much anxiety and I want it to go away!

  • Stan

    HI Sheryl,

    I have had a lot of changes this last year.

    My wife came out as a lesbian, we got divorced, I moved into an apartment, we have two teenage girls starting new schools (Junior High and High School) and I started a log distance relationship with a younger woman. I plummeted into anxiety and depression and realize that I also am a perfectionist who is afraid to make decisions. Even though I didn’t like the marriage I never made the decision to end it as I didn’t want to be alone or break up the family. I am so bummed I missed the ‘trust yourself’ program. I have anxiety surrounding my current relationship and my decision making is tough as my ex ran a lot of our lives.

    Would love your thoughts.

  • AboutMe

    Dear Sheryl, it is funny now to read about “The One”.. When I was 17 I met my high school sweetheart and I felt so many butterflies and rainbows and magic, I was SURE he was The One because I have never felt like this before. I believed that was IT, it was aaaalll the things girls were talking about and I was just so infatuated for years! Until one day Mr. One broke up with me and I was left broken and confused. One more (unsuccessful) try later, we were off for good. I healed (but am very scarred) and let go … Then I met my current fiance and I was questioning myself why wasn’t I feeling all the butterflies and unicorns as much as I was with “The One”… always questioning what that meant… Now I’m anxiously engaged wondering if I’m marrying “Mr. Two” and making the mistake although my rational part says it’s nonsense! Anyway, I see you talk about this a lot and I wanted to check what does it really mean – “you are scared of taking the risk of loving and making your heart vulnerable to the risk of loss”. Could you please be more direct? Thank you so much!

    • “you are scared of taking the risk of loving and making your heart vulnerable to the risk of loss”

      The intrusive, thoughts, and anxiety are a protection systems designed to keep you safe from taking the risk of love, and thus, the risk of loss.

      • AboutMe

        Wow… that explains why we could be afraid of getting married – because we are risking going through a heartbreak (again) and we want to protect ourselves from eventual suffering so we bring up our walls so we don’t get hurt… But the truth is that we suffer more within those walls as we would if we let our partners join us on on “our, safe side”…Right?

  • Rosario

    Hi Sheryl,
    I was so happy when i stumbled upon your website. I am currently in huge pain because i had been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he left for a semester to another continent for school related activities. We had a loving, happy and just perfect relationship, we had talked about getting married in the future and we were just sure that we wanted a life together. But when he left i started thinking stuff i had never thought of before. I started doubting is he the one? Do i love him?. I started to panic because I started feeling attracted to a man at work but not based on anything because i never even crossed a word with him. Im a complete mess, i know that i want to be with my boyfriend more than anything, he is a wonderful man. I have told him about how i feel and he has been nothing but supporting and loving. I would really appretiate your guidence.

  • Amanda

    Hey Sheryl

    I am a bit relieved that I have stumbled on your site. I’ve been very down and thinking I’m not a normal person. I’ve been with my boyfriend (fiancé now of 4 months) for 3.5 years. I truly love this man beyond belief. I have come from a divorced family so maybe my issues stem from that. When he originally asked me to move in with him this is where it all started we weren’t even together for a year and I went into the deepest spot I’ve ever been in. We almost broke up because I couldn’t bear my thoughts I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep and I even went to my doctor and they put me on a medicine that I only tried for a week. I fought my way out of this slump thinking it must not be the right thing to do because he’s not the right guy. After months of perseverance I did eventually break the anxiety and depression of it all. We moved into together. Bought our first house together and I got it bad again for a few weeks and came out of it. Well now we’re engaged. It was a very special moment I did get anxiety leading up to it but it was only because I knew it was coming and it only lasted a day or so. The proposal was perfect and went better then I thought. For 2 months I’ve been on cloud 9 loving the idea I get to marry my best friend in the whole world. Just recently for the last couple weeks now I am starting once again to get this horrible anxiety. Knots in my tummy. Heart beating fast. No eating or sleeping and it’s awful. I am now doubting again my relationship when I shouldn’t be. I’m so down I don’t want to get out of bed and shower in the morning. I feel by reading this alot of your brides get it after the proposal only. Do you think it’s normal to get it throughout our entire relationship? I do love my partner and I know I’d be devastated to through away all we have built together but I’m worried that this feeling is so intense nothing will help. 🙁

  • Sarah

    Hi Sheryl,

    I have been reading your posts for many months now and whilst I have found comfort in these I have now come to the conclusion that I need to dig deeper and face my fears head on. I have been in a secure and loving relationship with the man of my dreams for several years now so it was a surprise to me when my relationship anxiety hit like a bolt of lightening during the course of our engagement. During the very stressful period of planning the wedding I had increased pressures from work and was suffering with an on going medical condition. As you can imagine this didn’t put me in the best of moods and when things got too much I’d find myself snapping at those closest to me. It was during this that the nightmare began, triggered by a comment from my mother asking me if I was having second thoughts. At the time my gut reaction was don’t be so ridiculous but the following day when I was reflecting on the conversation that’s when it hit and boy did it hit hard. What if I was having doubts and my behaviour was reflecting those. After a few weeks I decided to book an appointment with a counsellor. I attend several sessions and she helped me to understand that my anxiety and behaviour stems from my over cautious, severely anxious mother – like mother, like daughter!! I managed to get to the point where I was able to enjoy my wedding day and have the best day of my life so far. In the weeks that followed I felt an overwhelming sense of love for my new husband and felt such a close bond that I didn’t even think possible. Gradually this started to fade and the numbness that had consumed me in the months prior to my wedding returned. I have on occasion felt those ‘love feelings’ since but generally it’s the numbness. My rational mind knows with all my heart that my husband is the love of my life and that fear is firmly in the driving seat. Fear – fear of being in the first ‘big’ relationship of my 34 years of life, fear of forever, fear of not being in control, fear of allowing myself to love and to be loved.
    Your work has been a great source of comfort and clarity ( I cannot thank you enough for this) and I firmly believe that with your help and a lot of hard work from myself I can conquer my fears and move forward in married life. I am just wondering which of your e- courses would be best suited for me? I am ready, willing and finally able to get started on this!

    • Hi Sarah: Thank you for your question, and I can hear in your words a deep willingness to do what it takes to break free. Even though your relationship anxiety started during the engagement, based on your comment I would suggest you take the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course as it will address the other issues that you’re struggling with, including coming from a line of anxious worriers! Time to change the worrier to a warrior so you don’t have to continue to live with the fear and pass it down through the generations ;).

  • Hi Sheryl,

    I have recently started and completed the Break Free from Relationship Anxiety course and am really happy with the progress I have made so far. And want to thank you for really putting love into perspective.

    I am struggling a little at the moment, as I know I am in a projection when I look at my partner and think “can you really imagine spending the rest of your life with her”, I just don’t know how to deal or what the underlying issue is with myself.

    I hate the way I look, and I think maybe this has something to do with my projections. I also come from a family where my mum was an alcoholic and died when I was 17years old (now I am 29 and am gay also). My mum also had bipolar and I suffer from depression. My sister has also suffered from anxiety, so I know that some of this is due to genetics and my childhood.

    I know that these irrational thoughts have nothing to do with my partner, I just find it hard to think of what the actual issue is. And this scares me that I won’t find the real reason of what is happening with me and will break up with my partner.

    She is the best partner anyone could ask for, she would do absolutely anything for me and I love her. Before we dated we were friends for 6 years or so, and I always had a feeling about her. Sometimes the thought of us being friends plays on my mind, that we should only be friends, and I only am interested in her because she lost 28kgs.

    The relationship to start with was good, some fireworks but not the In love feeling a lot of the time. It was an easy relationship, the dynamic was different and really natural and comfortable. I thought this relationship was going to be fling or eventuate into anything. But it has and I love her, we live together and for the majority of the time we have fun together. I felt like I was in control of the relationship before and now that we live together (moved in together Nov 2015) I have not a lot of control. I feel like staying home a lot of the time, but am trying to make an effort by going out and seeing friends and family.

    Can you please help me, or advise where in the module I can look to, to start working on these underlying issues.

    I am also seeing a psychologist to help with this anxiety and have seen her for a few years.

    Please help.


    • You’ve already identified two underlying issues: your low self-worth and the early loss of your mother, not to mention early pain around your relationship with your mom. If you stay with your grief and learning how to work with your feelings of inadequacy, the projection will start to diminish.

  • Courtney

    I have been working on the relationship anxiety course and still struggling. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting married April 2nd but the last two weeks or should I say year has been a struggle. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have a lot of trauma in my life. My anxieties have caused me to not be able to be intimate with my boyfriend. I find myself asking myself if I see him as just my best friend. He is seriously the most perfect man and so good to me but I am having a hard time breaking free from the pain that I dealt with in my past. He is a man just like every man who needs intimacy especially in a marriage. My fears are not letting me open my heart to him and let him touch me and be intimate with me. I reject almost every time. He has been with me for a year and has stayed by my side. I don’t want to give up on someone I love so much but I also want to be free of anxiety. Please help!

  • Caroline

    Hi Sheryl,

    I just found your site and videos. I found them so helpful and they made me feel like I’m not insane. I have been with my now fiancé for over 10 years. I turned 30 last year and got engaged this year and we have been living together for the past 3 years. It has been a lot of crazy transitions lately, and I am a very independent person, and valued having my own space. Our relationship has moved at a snail’s speed, I didn’t even meet his parents until a few years ago- His parents are jewish and his mother who isn’t exactly orthodox had very negative views on inter religious relationships and rejected my existence for a very long time. Now we have been engaged 6 months, I knew it was coming we talked about it and we are very open with each other. But when the engagement finally happened I feel so ashamed saying this but I was almost let down, I had waited for so long and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I also felt terrified. Now we are planning a wedding and I keep feeling more and more terrified. I converted to judaism for our relationship last month and this whole thing is just scaring me to my core. I keep feeling like life is ending or moving to fast. My fiancé is not helpful in making decisions, in fact his non decision making skills have seriously begin to frighten me. I keep going back to the past in my mind and feeling nostalgic for old and bad relationships with exes. I’m not sure if I am trying to self sabotage but I cannot shake these feelings. He’s a great guy, and I know he really loves me but I keep having this terrible thought that I invested all of my youth into this person, what if it’s not right and now I am investing my 30s in the wrong person. I also have feelings that he’s inadequate- he works in finance and I work in design so I am very creative but lack stability, and unfortunately his job lacks stability too. He’s depressed a lot from work, he doesn’t have the same interests as me. And I am just starting to feel like OMG what am I doing. Is this the life I want. It’s so terrifying. I find myself getting wrapped up in wedding talk and I have to step back and see the real picture, but then I have these questions and it is really scaring me. I just don’t want to screw up my life and a time when I’m still young and I can’t get it back again.

  • Ash

    Hi Sheryl,

    I found your website a couple of days ago, and I just want to say that your articles have really been helping me. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months, and I think it’s now reached the point where the “honeymoon” phase is over and I’m riding between waves of confidence in my love for him and then doubtful if I do. I guess this is normal, considering how much I overthink. I’m trying to take steps and make this time as means to grow our relationship and overcome these hurdles. I know doubts will arise, but I want to overcome them and embrace all my feelings. You’ve reassured me that I should stay with him and embrace both the fear and excitement in this relationship. Thank you!

  • Johan

    Hello Sheryl,
    I m attending to your training: relationship anxiety. I see there is so much to learn, but I miss a specific thing, untill now. I strugle with the same issues, so probably the same root causes, but my projections are two ways. One way is the lack of attraction to you partner, which is clear described, but also the obsessive need to endure beatiful, sexual attractive girls in magazines, on street, in a movie. I mean obsessive, because there is nothing wrong with liking somebody-, but just in a second, upperfocus on a beautiful part, what my partner lacks. If my partner has big feets, i look continuously to all girls with small feet. This gives me the feeling, I should not be in the relationship. It s not , im not attractive to her only, its also ,-I feel attractive to so many others.. Can you overthink this and come with an idea?

    • This is a common issue for many men, and a difficult one. My bottom-line suggestion is to stop looking at all forms of mainstream media, including Facebook, Instagram, internet articles about pop culture, magazines, and, most especially, pornography. When you look outside of yourself, you’re reinforcing the habit of comparison and the belief that “there’s something better out there.”

  • Lillybee

    Hi Sheryl,

    I recently purchased and am taking your “Breaking Free” Course. I am in a new relationship which started out fantastically (I was imagining the rest of my life with this man), but it’s only been a couple of months and my anxiety and doubts are getting the best of me. The thing is, I’ve had this happen in every relationship I’ve ever been in – and none of them have lasted, mostly because I decided something just “didn’t feel right.” I am also devoutly Christian, and very concerned about doing God’s will – I have always worried about doing the “right” thing. This new man is not perfect (no one is – I keep telling myself that), but he is a good man and he cares about me. We have things to work through (he has kids, I don’t, etc.), but why could I see it working so well at first and now my anxiety/doubt is crippling? Is it worth hanging on to this and working through your course, even though it’s so new? Thank you so much for your time.

  • Lillybee

    I guess the other comment I would make is that most of what I’m reading is that the couples already know they love each other, want it to work – I’m just trying to stick around long enough to give him a chance without running away! How do I discern between relationship anxiety and knowing whether he’s the right person for me?

  • johan

    Dear Sheryl. I am doing your training for a few months. One item keeps returning,which I have problems with to resolve. My partner has something I dont like at all . arm, leg, hand, whatever. I know, it s me, i know its a projection, but it gets into me and start rolling me up and down (it’s ugly – no its my projection, its ugly – no its my projection..) Dont know what to do with it… cannot find the answer to to accept this not-perfection, although I am completely aware.

  • Mikayla

    Dear Sheryl,
    I have been reading your blog for about 6 months now. 8 months ago I started having lots of doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend (we’d been together just over two years when i started having doubts). I always felt so confident and good about our relationship but suddenly I just found myself having a gut feeling that something wasn’t right but i couldn’t put my finger on it. I knew I loved my boyfriend, and that I wanted to be work this out and get back to all the happy, giddy feelings i felt before but I didn’t know how. I found I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and which made this worrying so much worse. I didn’t know if it was the worrying causing my anxiety, or my anxiety causing the worrying. My boyfriend was so supportive, I was able to be completely honest with him, I told him exactly how I was feeling and he was by my side the whole time. I am since feeling alot better. I’m confident in our relationship again and I feel so in love with him. However, now he is the one with a gut feeling that something isn’t right. We get along perfectly well, we’re best friends, we care about each other, have fun together and push each other to be the best. We rarely fight, our only issues are that our feelings dont match up. When i was feeling bad, i still knew I wanted to work through it and be with him but I can’t say that’s how he feels. It’s very scary. I want to be there for him, and be happy but I don’t know how. I’m so scared of losing him. I don’t know if our gut feelings mean we really shouldn’t be together, or if maybe we just came out of the honeymoon phase at different times. Any advice you have on this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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