“I Married the Wrong Person”

Whenever a theme arises in my weekly work with clients I know it’s important to write about it here. Last week the theme was: “I married the wrong person” or “It would have been easier with someone else.”

One of the most important tasks for those on the road to awakening is to notice all of the ways that we try to avoid pain. For those of us on the sensitive-anxious spectrum, the primary escape-hatch from emotional pain is to climb up into the safe chamber of the mind where a virtual orchestra of intrusive thoughts catches us by the heels and twirls us around on the merry-go-around of mental torture. The thoughts change in what I call the “anxiety whack-a-mole phenomenon“, which is why it’s essential to become keen to the tricky ways that our minds think of increasingly more convincing thoughts as a way to avoid the pain of the present moment and learn to address the thoughts from the root.

The essential piece to understand about intrusive thoughts is that they always feel real. They grab you where you’re vulnerable and try to convince that the life you’re living is, in some fundamental way, the wrong life – the wrong partner, the wrong house, the wrong job – and if you only got it “right” you wouldn’t be struggling so much. With this particular thought, the mind bombards you with a barrage of convincing arguments like, “Look how much you’re struggling. You wouldn’t be struggling with these issues if you had married [the one who got away].” And the tricky part of intrusive thoughts is that they often (although not always) contain an element of truth. Is it true that you wouldn’t have these exact challenges with someone else? Yes! Is it also true that you would have different challenges with someone else? Absolutely. The mind lures you in with it’s first-line hook and if you’re not wise to its ways you forget how easy it is to poke holes in its argument.

As always with intrusive thoughts, the first step is to name it for what it is and normalize, which will sound something like, “This is an intrusive thought and it’s a normal thought that everyone has in relationships at some point.” As Charlie and Linda Bloom write about in 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married in a chapter called “Even people with great marriage sometimes wonder whether they might have married the wrong person”:

“In a moment of anger or disappointment, disturbing thoughts can pop into anyone’s head. The thoughts “This is not what I had in mind,” “I made a mistake,” or “I married too early” are based on the usually mistaken notion that somewhere there is a special someone with whom we would never argue, struggle, or feel disappointed, a soulmate with whom we would be spared all pain, suffering and stress. Sadly, such dreams are the stuff of fantasy and rarely materialize in the lives of real people.” p. 81

Once we name and normalize, the next step is to recognize that the thought “I married the wrong person” is simply another way to try to avoid pain. The conversation with my clients goes like this:

“I’m not happy right now,” a client shares. “My partner and I are disconnected, we’ve argued again, this isn’t what I thought marriage was going to be like. Maybe if I had married that sexy girl that I was dating before I met my wife I wouldn’t be so miserable right now.”

“So you believe that if you married someone else you wouldn’t be feeling so badly right now?”

“Yes. Maybe someone less emotional or more stable, someone who shares more similar interests. I don’t know…”

“And if you were with this person, what pain would you be avoiding right now? In other words, what is it that you don’t want to feel?”

“I feel sad and lonely. I feel confused. This is much more difficult than I expected it to me. I mean, I know cognitively that marriage is challenging but I guess I didn’t know it would be this hard at times.”

“So I want to encourage you to come into your breath and your heart right now. Send your breath into your heart and see if you can stay with those painful feelings for a few minutes.”

“It’s hard. I want to leave the pain.”

“Yes. I know. But let’s try it together. Close your eyes and breathe right into the center of your hurting heart. You might want to put a hand on your heart to let yourself know that your loving inner parent is here. Imagine that your breath is love: warm, kind, and nurturing. And remind yourself that you can handle whatever feelings arise.”

We look for every way possible to avoid the pain of life, both present and past. Not only are we wired to avoid pain but also we’re conditioned to believe that we can’t handle it. And it’s unlikely that seeing pain attended to in a loving way was ever modeled for you growing up, so how could you possibly know how to do it? It’s a muscle we learn to meet and strengthen over time, and it begins with becoming very familiar with our escape-hatch thoughts so that we can name them quickly, diffuse their power, and ask ourselves the cut-through question for all intrusive thoughts, “What is this thought protecting me from feeling?” Once we travel back down from head to heart, we find the treasure troves that come from living an embodied, awake, and emotionally alive life. And, amazingly, we also connect back into the magic of gratitude for our partners that becomes so easily hidden inside the sticky web of intrusive thoughts that try to take us away from the messy, beautiful reality of this moment with the messy, beautiful person with whom we chosen to share our life.

54 comments to “I Married the Wrong Person”

  • Natz

    Yes! Thank you Sheryl for sharing. I have also found Alan de Botton’s work on this topic vey helpful. He wrote an article titled “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person” – less spikey than you’d think – and the corresponding podcast is also insightful, comforting and humorous.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html
    https://onbeing.org/programs/alain-de-botton-the-true-hard-work-of-love-and-relationships-feb2017/

  • Learning

    Wow. This was timely for me too. Thank you for this. I have a question. Perhaps this is also my ego attempting to avoid the pain. My husband and I got married about four months ago. For the last month my husband has been struggling a lot. He’s complained about me and us a lot, and bringing up that he’s had concerns about us from the beginning. I feel like a lot of this could be a projection about what has been going on with him on other levels, but it has been very painful. Especially some of his words. I want to be appreciated, I just feel so sad and disappointed that we just got married and he seems to have regrets. I’ve had thoughts like you mentioned in the article. What I struggle with is knowing how to maintain healthy boundaries, and compassion for myself and the other person. Is this normal? How do you know a healthy place to draw the line? A part of my mind (this must be an intrusive thought) tells me that I’m an idiot, and if I had had more self-esteem from the beginning I would have found someone who could still be kind to me even if they are struggling and wouldn’t project on me. Any words of wisdom or truth water as you say, would be much appreciated. Thank you!

    • We project onto each other all the time no matter how “kind” or “evolved” we are so you can let go of the thought that this wouldn’t be happening with someone else. However, it’s important that he find some support so that he can address the root source of his pain instead of projecting it onto you. While projection is normal, it’s very painful to be on the other end of it and we must work to own our projections so that we don’t hurt our partners (and ourselves). Is he open to therapy or couples’ therapy? Couples would be fantastic (I recommend it to everyone), and the model I recommend is EFT. You can learn more and find a local therapist here:

      http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist

  • Megan

    I have been following your site and completed your Breaking Free from Relationship Anxiety course about two years ago now. I married my husband in May 2017, and we found out we were expecting in October 2017. I was excited but nervous. Then… my husband lost his job at the end of December. Then… we found out our sweet baby has a fatal birth defect. I am carrying her to term so that we may have the chance to grieve her loss. It has been unbelievably hard. People told me marriage would be difficult, and I will admit that my thoughts did go along the lines of “this wouldn’t have happened if I married the right person.”

    Soon, I realized those thoughts were total nonsense and a way for me to avoid the very real pain associated with the impending loss of our daughter and the loss of security related to his job loss. I have been breathing through the pain, and crying when I need to, and it has become easier to see the beauty in our marriage despite the pain. By allowing myself to feel, I also allow myself to see my husband for who he truly is: a kind, caring man, who tucked me into bed the first week after we received the news about our daughter, because I was scared to go to bed alone. That… that is real love. Real love is sacrificing together, coming together in tragedy, and realizing that pain is part of the parcel of life.

    Thank you for your blog and your work. As a therapist myself, I find it refreshing and eye-opening.

    • Dear Megan: I’m so sorry for these losses, and I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to grieve through the pain and also name the mind’s attempt to derail from the pain so that you can see the beauty in your husband. This is when sharing stories via the internet falls short. If we were in person, I would give you a big hug and cry alongside you. I hope you can feel my hug from here. Sending so much love.

  • Jenna

    Megan, thank you for sharing your story. Its hard to know what to say when you read something like that, nothing really seems adequate. But ill try. Your story brought me to tears and i hope that if i am ever confronted with a situation like that, I can be as brave as you and your partner. As always, these posts come at the perfect time but your comment has really brought home how lucky I am to have a partner who would do the same. We truly are blessed. This stranger is sending a lot of love to you all.

  • getting better

    Hi Sheryl! Do you think maybe my parents divorce 2 years ago could be a pain i’m trying to avoid? I don’t have the best relationship with my mom and I still feel anger towards my dad. I still feel sad when i think about their divorce. Also my boyfriend and i are going to break up in a few months because we are going to different schools. I don’t know if my thoughts of me having feelings for this other guy or not loving my boyfriend anymore is because I’m trying to avoid myself getting closer to my boyfriend, or is it because I might not love him or because I “have feelings” for this guy. But even thinking about these makes me feeling guilty and sad. I don’t want to loose my boyfriend. Please help i been dealing with this for so many months now.

    • Root causes of pain can arise from many different places, and yes, your parents’ divorce could certainly be one of them.

      • getting better

        So do you think by me thinking or feeling that I like someone else, or that I don’t love my boyfriend is me trying to avoid the pain of being lonely and the pain from my parents? I really love my boyfriend he is such an amazing person who has such a big heart, and has helped me so much throughout these 2 years, so I have felt guilty for 6 months now.

  • Dee

    Thank you Sheryl for another thought inspiring blog post.
    My relationship anxiety is now very much diminished to being almost imperceptible through me reading your work, and I’m now working on trying to get to the root. I think you might have pointed me in a direction of exploration with the lonely point you make in this post.
    P.s.i didnt get the weekly email this week, do they only get sent out for only a few weeks to those of us that are not working through a course with you or would it be a glitch? I miss the additional guidance at the start of your emails 🙂

    • Core loneliness is a common source of pain for almost everyone as it’s part of the human condition and something that we tend to avoid feeling. As far as the weekly email, yes it went out last night. I’ll have my assistant check to see why you didn’t receive it, but if you don’t receive it next Sunday please email her directly so that she can investigate what happened. You can reach her at kathryn@conscious-transitions.com.

      • Dee

        Thank you for responding.

        I’ve now started to sing your praises to my friend who is entering into a new relationship.

    • And here’s the intro from the weekly email that you should have received. The links won’t show up here but if you cut and paste them into your browser you’ll find them:

      Dear Readers,

      As we approach another potentially anxiety-provoking holiday full of cultural expectations and fantasies (Valentine’s Day), I invite you to take solace in the following posts:

      Dear Self, I Love You
      Valentine’s Day, Proposals, and the Myth of Romantic Love
      How to Actually Enjoy Valentine’s Day

  • Rochelle

    I came across this podcast last week might help someone with this. The author wrote the article in the New York Times called “why you will marry the wrong person” it was he most read article of 2016!!

    https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?mt=2&i=1000381015722

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl,
    I have had those intrusive thoughts from the beginning of out relationship and for the past 4 years into our marriage. I still struggle with the thought i am not attracted to my husband. The desire isnt there. I really enjoy foreplay but sex to me is like a chore. It bothers me big time everyday. I wait for the 2morow that my desire for him will come and so far it hasnt come. I know im attracted to him otherwise i wouldnt of married him. I know the person I am. I have never been the type of woman to settle. This is why i think i married at the age of 43. I really miss the desire to be hunger for sex.

  • just me

    I found myself being very angry towards my husband that he does not turn me on.. I have never orgasmed with him.. I do not want to blame him, but I cannot help thinking that we are just sexually incombatible. I never had this problem with my ex… I avoid sex because I just get disappointed because I am not aroused. I love my husband, but I just do not desire him sexually and it is so painfull.. I am ashamed that I am still here with the same problem.

    • Frances

      justme, I know this is so hard as I struggle with sexuality myself, but it is YOUR job to turn you on. Not his. Our partners can turn us on, spontaneously, but we cannot rely on that. Sex is much more complicated than that. Once the initial escapism of sex with a new person is over at the start of a relationship, we are met with ourselves in every way. Every wound, everything we’ve been avoiding. Sex is our most vulnerable place as it touches every realm, cognitive, physical, emotional and spiritual. It IS hard for some of us, especially in a culture that expects arousal and sexual ease so readily. What makes you feel sexual that is not connected to your partner? One of the things I’ve identified for myself is music.

      I’m guessing your ex made you feel more turned on as he was a somewhat unavailable partner. Some part of you feels like every time might be the last time in that case. Sex is used to gain approval. It feels very very different with a safe and loving partner. That’s when real sexual exploration begins.

      • Frances

        “Sex is our most vulnerable place as it touches every realm, cognitive, physical, emotional and spiritual.”

        Look at me using your words without citing you, Sheryl. How rude of me – haha! My apologies. 🙂

        • just me

          Thank you for your reply Frances <3 I have been doing better lately. I am trying to redifine attraction and to take responsibility of my own aliveness. It has been so hard for me to accept that, eventhough I know that I have to. I have not just found tools how to feel sexually attracted towards my partner. I can feel sexual feelings towards other people but there is just some block between me and my husband which I have been unable to resolve..

  • Sophie

    Learning –

    My situation is fairly similar to yours. Did you used to have doubts yourself? Has he ever expressed such doubts in the past as this? Would he ever consider doing one of Sheryl’s courses?

    Sorry lots of questions but I’m curious 🙂

    Sending you love and compassion

  • HopefulForHope

    hi Sheryl,

    I have constant intrusive thoughts of a past crush despite being so incredibly thankful for my husband. I genuinely think my husband is the most special man I have ever met and yet these thoughts of an old crush (who I never really knew) haunt me. The thoughts mostly consist over how STRONGLY I felt for this crush… the way I felt as I longed for him… and how I never had that “feeling” for my husband. Which I now know is because it was all infatuation and the chase and with my husband he was available to me and it was all real and scary.

    I know that in the past I had a lot pain from my parents terrible relationship and the way they would bring me into it. But now I don’t feel any kind of pain. So I don’t know exactly what these thoughts are protecting me from feeling… all day every day. Unless I am still running from old pain that I need to deal with.

  • Joanna

    Hi Sheryl,
    Once we are able to identify what we are scared of or what the thought is trying to protect us from: are we then accepting it and breathing into it, trying to solve it, trying to fix what we’re scared of? I am al little confused on this last step and what to do to solve it so the thoughts stop coming up. Or are we accepting that life has pain and uncomfortableness we can’t escape?

  • Frances

    Brilliant post, as usual. I love Sunday afternoons for this reason 🙂 and I find it really helpful when you address specific thoughts, despite this one not applying to me. Thank you.

    I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I went to the doctor today as I have experienced painful tension headaches every day for years. The reason I am only just getting this checked out is that I’m certain I grind my teeth. I’ve had teeth guards to prevent the grinding at night, but I grind them in the day too although I consciously try to relax. The doctor ruled out anything more sinister and thinks it is down to the teeth grinding. He tried to push CBT, but I explained that I’m on top of my psychological symptoms. He was sceptical but at least he showed an interest in my mental health.

    Anyway, it got me thinking that I need to override the story that says ‘you’re too sensitive, you’re looking for reasons to have something wrong with you’ and start taking these tension headaches seriously as a symptom, possibly of underlying stress. I’m resistant to this as it’s pretty hard-wired for me that stress is tummy and chest pain, not head pain.

    Have you encountered clients with tension headaches as a symptom?

    It literally is every day that I get this and I try to stave it off with medication. Could it be a sign that something needs attention? I don’t know if it would help to have some context about me, but I’m assuming you know from my emails who I am? I don’t want to use my regular username here as I sometimes share this blog with friends!

    Thanks in advance.

    • Alyssa

      Frances,

      I’ve developed TMJ/Bruxism/teeth grinding as well from stress/anxiety. I’m thinking that it’s possibly a side effect of my medication (for anxiety) but I totally understand how annoying the tension headaches are. The constant clenching of my jaw/teeth has caused dental problems (holes/creases in my teeth) and extreme irritability in my jaw.

      What I’ve found helps (besides Tylenol) is practicing yoga, with an instructor! I’ve had several instructors tell my class during a pose to relax the jaw, the muscles in the face, let the tongue fall from the roof of the mouth; of course I was doing this so it helped to have that guidance. Throughout the day I give myself these instructions too. I also see my chiropractor and he adjusts my jaw which provides a little relief, and I take a small dose muscle relaxer at night at an attempt to protect my teeth at night. Unfortunately my dental insurance doesn’t cover a guard.

      Of course, these things just treat the symptoms and not the root cause underneath. While I am working on peeling back the layers of myself, I just try to be loving towards myself and engage in relaxing actions to provide relief – Getting a massage, yoga, gently massaging my face myself, heating pads, hot baths…whatever works for you! I welcome other responses to this for any additional recommendations!

  • Caitlin

    I’m not sure if anybody can relate (fingers crossed they can) but my relationship anxiety has been a horrific journey. Whilst the anxiety has stopped now, I feel as though I have no connection with my boyfriend and I have no idea what love truly is. He has been incredibly supportive, but I guess I feel as though I’m letting the negativity and the high potential for a failed relationship to stop me from trying.

    Sheryl, at what point do you know when enough is enough? Whilst I do not feel such a connection with my boyfriend, and I feel that breaking up would probably be easier for everybody involved, I don’t want to do this – but I fear that it’s for the wrong reasons.

    • Meredith

      Hi Caitlin, I don’t know if you are still checking the site, but I encourage you to hang in there. You will see the other side! (And then fall back again. And then see it again. It’s all part of it, from what I gather).

  • Moon1978

    Hi Sheryl,

    I was literally just in this “I married the wrong person” space over the weekend, so it was uncanny to receive your latest blog posting via email on Sunday night. My husband and I have only been married for about 4 months and we are going through even more transitions together right now (moving and trying to conceive). In this process, all of my anxieties are getting kicked up again as we merge our lives further and further together. While one part of me is feeling excited and filled with love, another part is extremely anxious and convinced this is all wrong. Your post reminded me that I need to turn inward towards the root cause of my pain rather than locating it in my husband. It is truly amazing how tricky our minds can be at convincing us that our partners are the problem rather than seeing that it’s actually the pain of being alive in these human bodies in an existence that is ephemeral. For me, there are many layers of existential pain lurking around inside me – especially related to aloneness and lack of control. As soon as I read your posting, I snapped out of my projection and my husband became my sweet, supportive, generous, flawed man again. Thank you for speaking to my mind-body-soul so clearly. Xo

  • Angela

    Hi Just me,
    Its has been hard for me 2. I was so attracted to 2 otherguys before in my life and they werent available as I wouldve liked. I have no answers not for you or for myself. Im sorry 😐 Wish I could help.

  • Angela

    Just me,
    My husband dosent know i feel this way. I feel exactly the same way as you.

    • Angela: Over the years that you’ve been commenting on my blog I’ve seen you go through many times of feeling connected to yourself and your husband. I’m wondering if your current disconnect is due to your job transition and you’re projecting you’re own inner discontent onto your husband instead of letting yourself feel the core feelings of grief, uncertainty, and fear.

    • just me

      Your situation seem to be better than mine. You like foreplay and you like his touch. I have not enjoyed intimacy in any level with my husband. I have always forced myself and tried to enjoy. It has not been loving to myself. My husband knows that I do not feel attraction towards him and we do not have intimacy anymore.

  • Sonakshi

    Hi everyone..Sheryl I don’t know if you will see this message..but I just wanted to thank you for all the amazing work you do..also..please please please PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING THIS BLOG..it’s a lifeline for innumerable like me who find comfort in these posts in our lowest moments when we feel we have hit rock bottom..THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART..

  • Louise

    Hello

    I just wondered whether it was possible to make a closed Facebook group that people could join to connect with others with similar experiences? I have access to the course forums but Facebook would feel more accessible. just a thought!

    • Years ago a group of course members started a private Facebook book but it had to be shut down because it was starting to be used for other purposes. If you’re needing support it’s best to go to the e-course forum where it’s safe, secure, and highly moderated by a trained professional.

  • Dana

    “In other words, what is it that you don’t want to feel?”

    Answering to this question I realised that I don’t want to feel that my partner is a different person! (it sounds so selfish!!) That I want him to want what i want and when i want.. to have same interests, likes, dislikes etc…

    I feel upset when he wants to sleep and I don’t (and visa versa), when i want to have a very deep discussion (and usually it happens when he is driving at a very busy road!) and he is too busy or too tired right in the moment.. But the thing is he is more than willing to do so at another time..

    Partners of highly sensitive people are saint people, don’t you think? 😀

    I’m writing this and tears coming to my eyes.. So many years with this blog and still same mistakes – i believe my intrusive thoughts at first (( when will I learn…

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl,
    I do feel connected to my husband and I enjoy foreplay. Its not like I dont want him to touch me. Sexually i dont feel that arousal feeling like I want to. It was worse initially, when i first met him. Things have improved in the bedroom its just that strong desire to have sex with him isnt there most of the time. I am sure i am projecting onto him, my new job, my deep rooted fear that i thought i had addressed. I was so angry 😡 last night, i felt my pain and sadness and this morning I feel better. Maybe I just have a low libido sex drive and I am entering into menopause. Its hormonal i feel more than anything. 🤗🌷

  • Giorgia

    Thank you for this article, Sheryl 🙂 My partner is a real pain-phobic. He HATES pain. And being HS man in today’s society surely doesn’t help! He never learned how to love his sensitivity and honor the qualities that come along with it – on the contrary, he thinks that being a good, sensible man is some kind of curse!

    I’ve been trying to help me rediscover himself, but he’s very stubborn! x) He especially hates crying, so tonight I was talking to him and I descriped tears, and sorry for the grossy metaphor, like the pee of the soul! Nobody likes to urinate, but we need to, and it’s healty, too! Haha, such a silly metaphor, but it gave us some laughs x) I always let him read your articles, and I hope that one day he will learn to love himself like I do!

  • Angela

    Its anxiety, fear and also related to my cousins stomach cancer thats affecting me as well. Who knows what else.,

  • Lydia

    My husband is the one who anxious and often unsure about our marriage, he oftrn worrying if its good for him or not the marriage, it happens since before we got married 1.5 years ago,I still feel drain everytime he says that, but when I reflects and observes his personality, he eveb has difficulity

  • Lydia

    He even has difficulity to choose something in restaurant menu.So I understand now he projected his own inner discontent and confusion, insecurity on me
    From there I dont feel drain anymore, I feel I’d support his life

    purpose

  • Brittani

    First, I’d like to thank you for your blog. It’s been a wonderful addition to my life. I’ve been reading it for years. I have a question. Summer of 2015, is when my relationship anxiety started. It took a long time for me to work through everything, but when I did, my relationship was once more peaceful and beautiful. After working through my relationship anxiety, I thought it would be over. Now, here I am almost 2 years later with some of the same issues and questions. “What if my core desire is to leave my partner and be with a man, start a family and have kids.” “Why do I get an emotional reaction when I see a family in the store (or so my mind says.) I also keep obsessing over this female on YouTube that went from being gay to straight. I left my job in the beginning of January, so I’ve had lots of free time on my hands. Why is it after all this time, my relationship anxiety has resurfaced? I thought I’d worked everything out. I can’t tell you the last time I “Google searched” my heart out desperately asking questions, I myself answered months ago. Its as though everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve went out of the window the other day when I was watching Netflix and a woman said, “we can fight everything but desire.” I’m so annoyed that I allowed that to get me down. I’m so angry with myself for getting to this point again. Fearing that I’ll leave my partner for a man and have kids sounds like no sense,,, to top that all off…I honestly don’t believe that’s the real cause of my anxiety because the core desire thoughts will cross my mind the silent voice in my heart will say, “there’s more.” Then the battle begins. My apologies for rambling.

  • Amy

    Beautiful and so, so, so, so true. <3

    "Once we travel back down from head to heart, we find the treasure troves that come from living an embodied, awake, and emotionally alive life. And, amazingly, we also connect back into the magic of gratitude for our partners that becomes so easily hidden inside the sticky web of intrusive thoughts that try to take us away from the messy, beautiful reality of this moment with the messy, beautiful person with whom we have chosen to share our life."

  • Laura

    Hi Dana! I can totally relate to everything you just said! I get upset sometimes too when I’m having a moment and I’m trying to connect with my husband, and it happens to be a time when he just wants to relax and rest because he’s tired from his work day or because he’s trying to concentrate on the road. My intrusive thought is always something like, “Why can’t he understand me and appreciate me the way I want?” or “Am I with the wrong person because we are not on the same level cognitively? He can’t seem to be in sync with me. With a different person, would I feel more connected at all times?” Then I realize that like you said, being more highly sensitive, I feel things more deeply and rush to conclusions more than my husband who is in reality caring in many ways, just not in every single moment like I wish he could be (but that would be unrealistic and idealistic anyway). I’m reading the book “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron and it is very helpful at making me understand the way my mind works in comparison to my husband’s. I highly recommend it! I wish I could stop believing my intrusive thoughts too. They always seem to spike when I’m already tense or nervous about something outside of my relationship.

  • Sarah

    I don´t know what to do with these thoughts: I am thinking that if I could manage my feelings better, if I could take care of myself better I WOULD BE in a different relationship, I don´t think a different relationship would be better, just that I would have chosen differently. I think my relationship that I am in now, is what I can have according to my emotional abilities, but I long for something else. I feel emotionally disabled and I have struggled for years to get out of my inner prison. So this relationship I am in, is not bad, this man is a very good man, but I still feel it is not “right”. Please, someone out there, can you give me some thoughts about this?!