Living by Your North Star

IMG_5556When you live by your North Star, you care less about what other people think.

When live by your North Star, you rely on the well of wisdom inside to help you make decisions both big and small.

When you live by your North Star, you have a clear sense of direction that guides your daily and moment-by-moment actions. It’s like being on autopilot in the best possible way, trusting in the rhythm and wisdom of your body as you flow with a life force that you trust instead of resist.

What is a North Star? It’s the outgrowth of filling your well of Self with warm, clear waters. What is a well of Self? It’s the place inside that is nourished by turning inward and attending to your physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual realms.

Everything in our culture encourages you turn outward and look to others for your direction, answers, and opinions. From the time you’re born (and possibly even in utero), your innate and natural needs are sidelined in favor of your caregivers’ needs. Slowly, bit by bit, the waters of your well of self are drained as you develop the belief that others know you so much better than we know your own self. When the well is empty, your self-trust is ruptured. It’s at this point that you lose touch with your inner compass, your North Star, and fall into the common pit of caring what others think and looking outside yourself for direction.

The good news is that the waters in the well of Self can be replenished, and, thus, you can emblazon the light of your North Star. When you learn to turn inward, to spiral into a deeply feminine place of being, non-achievement, silence, and stillness, the waters begin to fill. When you learn how to stop the incessant, run-on sentence that the culture encourages and instead insert commas and periods, the waters begin to fill. When you learn to find comfort and even essential nutrients in the silence of your own company, the waters begin to fill. When you learn to identify your inner “yeses” and “nos” and take action from that well of knowing, the waters begin to fill.

We’re taught to believe that answers – whether about our relationships, jobs, or what to order on a menu – can be derived by “figuring things out”, which implies spending time making lists and weighing pros and cons. While there may be some value in such techniques, ultimately there are no answers in your head. The answers live in your body. The answers (if we can even call them answers, as they’re really more like signposts of possibilities) emerge from the still point. This still point, this clear central channel, is your rudder. Without it you have no orientation. Without it you are completely dependent on the opinion of others.

One of the most essential and effective ways to fill the well of Self is through being alone, in stillness and silence. Sadly, we live in a world where it’s increasingly more challenging to spend time alone as, even when we’re physically alone, most people reach for their electronic devices to fill in the empty spaces. Instead of sitting in silence, you text. Instead of turning inward, you turn on a movie. So we need to make the distinction here between true stillness and distraction. Distraction is the current habit. Distraction is spending time alone but engaged in an activity that turns you outward in some way (texting, watching, reading). If you’re going to learn to fill the well and cultivate a North Star, you must replace this habit with stillness.

Many people, especially anxiety sufferers, fear stillness because when they stop moving, planning, talking, texting, reading, and watching and simply sit with themselves, the thoughts and anxious feelings can be overwhelming. That’s why, in these cases, we take it in small, manageable steps. And that’s why we work together in a group, moving forward day-by-day with compassionate guidance and a supportive community to learn how to turn inward without overwhelming ourselves.

And that’s what my Trust Yourself 30-day program will offer you. If you know you need to turn inward but resist it like the plague, if you’re addicted to approval and care deeply about what others think, if you long for the self-confidence that some people seem to possess, if you sense that there’s a quiet wisdom inside of you that you’ve rarely been able to access, please join me for this next round, which will begin on January 9th, 2016. It will be my privilege and joy to guide you toward reclaiming what is rightfully yours: your self-trust, your well of Self, your North Star.

Click here to learn more: Trust Yourself: A 30-day program to help you overcome your fear of failure, caring what others think, perfectionism, difficulty making decisions, and self-doubt.

67 comments to Living by Your North Star

  • Jamie

    Hi Sheryl, thank you for this post. I discovered this blog over this past summer after suddenly feeling an overwhelming wave of doubt in my relationship. There have been good days and bad days since then, but the feeling has not completely gone away. I know my boyfriend of nearly 3 years will propose soon, and we’ve been on this track from the beginning, but I fear that I’ll regret getting engaged or married down the road. I’ve been honest with him through this process and he’s been very supportive. I now can’t tell the difference between fear and my gut telling me not to continue in his relationship, but I do know the thought of not being with my boyfriend makes me feel sad and it’s not what I want to happen. I go through waves of confidence, but then something little happens, like a small disagreement, or he annoys me and my anxiety goes through the roof about making a mistake. We don’t have any red flag issues and agree easily on future goals, so I hope it’s just anxiety about the next step. I’ve read posts from others in similar situations here, and it helps to know I’m not alone.

    • I hope you will take the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course as it addresses everything you’re sharing here, and so much more:

      http://conscious-transitions.com/break-free-from-relationship-anxiety-e-course/

    • MohTA

      hi Jamie,

      I can feel the suffering and anxiety you are passing through..

      What I can tell you as someone who is taking the “Break Free..” course and working hardly through it, that if you really do the necessary work hardly and patiently and with a leap of faith, then the way you will read your above post is as follow (this is the way am seeing such posts time after time of work):

      Jamie: “Hi Sheryl, There have been good days and bad days. I’ve been honest with him through this process and he’s been very supportive. I do know the thought of not being with my boyfriend makes me feel sad and it’s not what I want to happen. We don’t have any red flag issues and agree easily on future goals, so I hope it’s just anxiety about the next step”

      This is what it means to break free from anxiety Jamie! It is not a magic pill, and it needs a lot of work and patience, but you can gradually reach to this serenity to read your own post in this way..

      Good luck!
      Mohammad

    • Krista

      Hi Jamie!!

      I am just about in the same boat as you are. I have taken the Open Your Heart course and it was definitely helpful and look forward to taking Break Free from Relationship Anxiety as soon as I get enough funds haha

      Anyways! I can totally relate – I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and feel the engagement coming. The second something triggers me im back in a spiral questioning my love for him and feeling distant. the thought of not being with him makes me sad and sick because its something I would never want.

      Like you, no red flag issues. What I’ve come to terms with is “noticing” the feelings and sensations when caught in this rut. Hands clammy? Distant? Numb. Thats fear. Theres a difference between what its like when your seeing clear vs. when your seeing with fear.

  • MohTA

    A great article Sheryl.

    I believe as well that one of the most challenging walls toward people’s ability to fill the well of Self and turning the light on of the North Star (beside fear of stillness anxious thoughts) is often a strong intrusive thought that tells “hey, you know how life goes on, and there is nothing indeed called well of Self or North Star that can shift your paradigm”.

    And although it sadly needs time to “really touch” and feel a difference out of filling the well of Self (and so break this intrusive thought) as it needs time and hard work, one important and magnificent helping way is to develop our internal Wise / Parent Self.

    Being aware that we have a Parent Self inside each one of us that can guide us, talk to us and treat us the way we have dreamed our parents would have done when we were kids is itself a great beginning, after which it can take charge and start to support us in the journey of understanding the well of Self, filling it, trusting our choices and outgrow to see the light of the North Star always.

    So I really encourage everyone to develop her / his Parent Self the way you are teaching us to do and the work will be much more pleasant and wise

    Love
    Mohammad

    • Yes, exactly right, Mohammad. It’s wonderful to see how deeply you’re integrating and metabolizing what you’re learning in the Break Free course, and taking the time to share it here. I’m sure it’s providing hope and inspiration for many.

  • Eimear

    Hi Sheryl, I am so glad I have found your website. I am struggling so much with intrusive thoughts and from reading your blog I know these are flares from inside telling me I need to turn inwards. However, my mind is putting up resistance with what ifs etc. I have lost all my confidence & feel like I don’t know who I am & as a result there is fear in finding out who I am. Would your 30 day trust yourself course help? Thank you

    • Yes, Eimear, the Trust Yourself program is exactly what I would recommend to address the root cause of your intrusive thoughts and lack of self-knowledge. It would be a great act of self-love and courage to join us.

      • Eimear

        Thank you Sheryl, I have signed up for the program. I’m afraid but also know I need to take a leap of faith & be courageous

  • ScaredyWife

    I’ve taken the trust yourself course before and one of the things that I had a really hard time navigating was what voices to trust inside of me. There are days where I don’t feel in close connection to my husband and my “North Star” seems to be telling me to leave. I know that many of us here have relationship anxiety issues (I’ve also taken wedding e-course, open your heart, and am currently going through the break free course), but how can we deal with quieting ourselves to find this truth when this tends to be when the voices get exceptionally loud? How can I differentiate my truth from my anxiety?

    • The more you practice the daily tools, the more you will learn to discern between fear and truth. What tools do you practice regularly?

      • ScaredyWife

        The biggest one is turning towards my husband when I want to run. Being compassionate to myself when I feel something unpleasant (and showing that compassion to him when he feels down since he is also a HSP). I tried a meditation practice but I fell out of it. You are right Sheryl, I’m needing to incorporate more of these rituals in my life. The holidays are so easy to lose oneself in. Thank you 🙂

        • Yes, insight is helpful but real change comes from ACTION, which means committing to one or more daily practices. You have all the tools; now it’s time to implement them!

  • SF

    Hi Sheryl,

    I have been turning to your blog as a resource as of late, and have gained much reassurance as I travel further down the path of my developing relationship. It has helped me gain the confidence I need to stand down my fears in an altogether wonderful relationship. However, today’s blog entry fills me again with the anxieties I try to avoid: What if I’m ignoring my “North Star” in being in this relationship? What if it’s really my “gut” speaking to me when I’m feeling unsure?

    I am always looking to fill empty space and time with activity, as to avoid being alone with my anxious thoughts.

    I am afraid to find my “North Star” as I worry it will take me away from the life I have created and relationship I’ve forged.

    Is this fear legitimate?

    • It’s a very common fear and the number one reason why people resist signing up for one of my courses. The fear sounds like this: “What if I heal or find my ‘truth’ and then learn that I have to leave my loving relationship?” What I can tell you is that I’ve NEVER seen this happen. If you’re in a loving relationship, the more you learn to fill your well of Self and turn inward the more you will able to give and receive the love that is in front of you.

  • worried

    Hey Sheryl!

    Reading your posts is always very healing. It feels as if you were so badly wanting to hear someone speak exactly what you’d wanted to hear, and then suddenly it comes right in front of you. Lately, I have been having serious issues with my relationship. We’re getting married in a few months, but I am extremely anxious. I can’t seem to trust myself.I have noticed I love him, very dearly. However, I lack very much in the ‘infatuation’ department. I don’t like how I can’t seem to let go off the fact that my friends and family do not consider him the typical ‘Alpha-Male’. A man we normally find oursevles infatuated with. He’s a wonderful man. But I am an absolute approval-addict. That’s something I have been dealing with for so long, trying to recover as I had abusive childhood, inc abandonment issues. I, now, seem to be seeking approval everywhere. And it get’s so bad that I have panic attacks thinking my relationship is not the best. (according to people). What scares me most is that my SO seems to not only Love me, but also happens to be madly infatuated. It makes me feel horribly guilty, and makes me think if he gets to experience both the feelings, why shouldnt I look for someone who gives me both? Love and infatuation?

    Please don’t tell me I need to leave him and go looking for someone who satisfies my ‘infatuation’ needs. i already feel so horrible.

  • SF

    Thank you, Sheryl. I so appreciate your thoughtful response. In addition to your coursework, are there books or online resources you might recommend?

  • Alice Gibson

    Hi Sheryl,

    What a beautiful post. I feel so much warm love coming out of your words. As I sit with what you wrote more than a year after taking this course I smile to myself at my progress in the process. I’d like to sign up again for another round of the course. Are you still offering the TY graduate discount for past participants?

    So much gratitude for what you do.

    <3 Alice

  • H

    Sometimes I don’t feel much ‘in loveness’ for my boyfriend, sometimes not at all (most of the time). But sometimes I get this love feeling almost like the love I feel for my father or brother. This freaked me out a lot. Is this a good thing? My LA says it is a good thing because we are now past the in love stage and are now in a more solid love and I can see how easy it would be for people to leave when feeling this way. When I think of parting way I feel so sad and like I am leaving behind a family member or even a child. I’m not sure what I’m feeling and if this is a good thing, I’m guessing it is.

    • ub

      Hey. I can tell you it’s good! Sometimes I feel motherly towards my boyfriend. Wanting the best for him. Or maybe even getting paranoid when he’s gone too long. Worrying if he got caught up in an accident etc. I think Love is very beautiful. You might care for your boyfriend like you would for your brothers/father. But ofc, your sexual intimacy gives it a whole other meaning and spark. This sounds odd, haha. But yes, it is normal. Sheryl’s work is very helpful. You should follow up to improve your sense of being connected to your Sig Other.

      Oh and You feel like a family now, it’s a blessing! So many people are lonely, and never find such homely love. Together, we can learn something from their experiences too.

      Much Love!

  • Bra77

    Hey Sheryl!
    Lately I’ve been having this reoccurring thought that I’m going to break up with my love next year or find someone else as we may possibly be going to different schools and it’s scaring me. I have so much plans for us and our future life together l, but this thought scares me. I don’t want this to happen at all.

  • Silver

    Hi. It feels really sad that everyday my relationship turns more and more worse. I keep overlooking my partners flaws, her getting less attractive everyday, it feels like I want her out of my life, it feels like, I’m limiting my time with her, less texting and more pushing, more disrespecting, more disconnection. Thus she’s a great partner. She’s the one that I want but why I’m not in love with her? I know that we need to fill ourselves but whatever it is I’m doing doesn’t excite me anything at all for a long time. It feels that I want to throw everything that I do whenever my partner and I had an arguement. I still don’t know I keep turning inward and trying love actions but it gets worse. Maybe we’re not right for each other, or it’s just I don’t know what I do have right now and keep taking it for granted like my family

    • I think I’ve asked you this before, but have you considered the Break Free course?

      • Silver

        Hi I’m considering the course but I don’t know what suits me best. I don’t know what to do anymore it really feels like nothing makes me happy anymore. I don’t know where to start and it makes me lose worth. My partner says I really dont care about her and doesn’t understand her feelings which I really believe is true. Whenever I text her and she replies I keep running away or dont reply at all. But I don’t want anyone else. I want to change but is this love at all? I don’t even know what it is and I dont know how to and dont feel love at all. Maybe I’m just a narcissist or self centered person at all. It feels that I want to set her free everyday but I dont want to, there is something inside me that doesn’t want to set her free or I’m just possessive and afraid to be alone .

        • You could start with either one, Silver: Break Free or Trust Yourself. Break Free is on relationship anxiety, but in Trust Yourself you will receive more direct guidance. Either way, it’s essential that you dive in to some form of healing work so that you can begin to shift out of this stuck place.

  • Kimberly

    A good reminder
    of what, I already know.
    Commas, periods,
    still points.
    They’ll find me
    anyway.

    Sheryl, no surprise, this one brought a smile to my face and a welcome pause. Thank you for your gift.

  • Loxa

    Dear Sheryl,

    I found my way to your work about a month ago and have been so relieved, moved, and grateful to listen to the interviews, read the blog posts, and learn about your deep and soulful work. As the cruel comedies of life would have it, I’m having trouble deciding if I should take the Trust Yourself or Break Free course. I certainly fit all the classic signs of a relationship anxiety sufferer as well as the profile (extremely sensitive/creative/have struggled with panic disorder in general). I came across your work because I’ve started to date someone 2 months ago who is wonderfully nurturing and kind with compatible values and a healthy community, but I don’t find him physically attractive or conversationally engaging. I was initially so taken by how nice he is, but now I’m looking for more in our conversations and feeling dissatisfied (again fitting the description of the hypercritical/irritable anxious person). I’m repulsed by the idea of sex with him (not that I have a strong libido to begin with but this is an extreme case) and have yet to move past this hurdle (he has been very patient and has somehow fallen in love with me despite this whole no-sex thing). I’m turning 40 in a few months and live in NYC so finding a kind and nurturing man feels like an extremely rare commodity that must be cherished at all costs or I will continue to languish alone. So I am reading the blogs and descriptions and saying “yes, I have relationship anxiety! All of it sounds like me!” Yet there is this other voice (I did read your post about all the voices) that reminds me that I’ve been in situations where I felt anxious around my partner and my gut said – “this person isn’t good for you” but I told myself it was simply my issues with anxiety and that the relationship was fine. In those cases my gut was right and I came to the conclusion that I needed to trust myself more, to tune in to myself with love rather than look for external signs that my feelings are right or justifiable by some sort of love jury of my peers. Obviously there is no bad decision here in regards to the courses, I’m just a bit stuck for all the reasons you have already named!

    • You could really go either way, but it sounds like your sense is that the core issue at this point is learning how to trust yourself. I recommend that you start with that course.

  • Angela

    Sheryl, as usual a beautiful intuitive blog! I love it. This is what I have struggled with is listening to my inner compass. I always looked at external since i was in my mothers womb. There have been many times in my life I have encountered people who instinctively followed their inner well and they did it so easily. I always wondered why cant I be like them. How do they do it i kept asking myself. I so wanted to ask them but i was too shy. I tried to so hard to figure it out. I felt so lost not connected to my inner self. I always felt with my mind not my gut. Is this a skill that has to be practised daily Sheryl? As you said we all have our north star? Im so affraid to find it Sheryl. I really truly am. Im so affraid to get out of my old mind routine shell..

    • MohTA

      hi Angela,

      What a great post you wrote indeed!

      Let me tell you that on the contrary of being a failed person to listen to her inner compass and to connect to her inner Self, you are much far better than many many people around in at least “wanting” to connect to your inner Self, pursuing and keeping trying to figure out how to do it and how others are doing it.. This is itself a hard work not all people can do Angela!

      So be kind and even appreciative with yourself that you have your foot already on the right path, cheer up for this 🙂

      Now in my opinion what you need at this stage is two things:

      First, you need, after being kind and trustful of yourself, to try to connect it in the right way… yes there are ways, skills and practices to do it and this is what you can find in this website’s courses.

      Second, and this is very important, you need to stop watching yourself in an addictive way seeing whether you get it or not like others.. I mean you need to forget about “Achieving the outcome” for a while and just enjoy the process and enjoy doing the work.. It almost always comes throughout the process without you realizing it.. and then you suddenly realize that you have moved big steps since a time.. but if you keep watching the “outcome” step, it will keep getting further from you

      So trust yourself, be sure you are already far better than others, take the right way to do it, and enjoy the journey

      Good luck 🙂

  • Angela

    Mohta, thank you so much, what you said really brought tears to my eyes. It feels so good to honest and vulnerable. Because my truth is actually shifting my ability by acknowledging what i am most affraid of. Dont get me wrong, i dont want to be somebody else,, i just wanna be that 12 year old girl who looked inside of her without fear. I was a child fearless, as soon as i went to high school i got bullied every day. Physically and emotionally abused by my dad i lost angela she became closed off from everyone. I miss the person i was. I didnt like myself for a long time and i never was capable of hurting a fly. My husband loves me because he sees a beautiful, selfless, caring person. I do agree with him thanks to Sheryl I am trying to believe and trust myself and is slowly working.
    I wish you good luck and peace to you.

    • MohTA

      You didn’t lose Angela, you never did! It is only that you wrapped around her with shields to avoid the painful feelings and experiences you pass through in your life! She is there, pure and nice! This is why never be afraid to connect to her and find your North Star.. It is always beautiful and brilliant to do so..

      In the way to go there, you have to unwrap the layers of shields; pain, memories and feelings you pushed down for a long time.. And so whenever you feel pain when going there, remember that this is not “your true inner Self”, but only lies you need to remove to see her!

      This is it Angela, the only way to go there is to go through! Good luck and be brave!

      And thank you a lot for your warm and deep wishes! This is what I need honestly.. A wish from a true, thoughtful and deep person, like you 🙂

      Mohammad

  • Angela

    Mohta, you are so right. I will take your advice. Your a beautiful person.
    I hope things getter better for you as well.

  • Angela

    Mohta, you are so right. I will take your advice. Your a beautiful person.
    I hope things getter better for you as well.

  • Lisa

    Sheryl,

    I really like the concept of trusting in ourselves and do see it as necessary. Given the choice though, my eight year old son would play video games all day. So, am having some trouble reconciling self trust/self guidance concept, with parenting… and even mankind in general. How does this concept blend with the fact that some times people just don’t always do what’s in their best interest? Are there any posts that you feel address this issue well?

    thank you,

    Lisa

    • Great question, Lisa. I do NOT subscribe to the parenting model that says we should just trust our kids to set their own limits regarding screens, food, bedtime, hygiene, etc. Kids have parents for a reason – and it’s not just to love them and indulge in their every whim! Part of being a loving adult to ourselves is to learn to discern between healthy boundaries and indulgences on all fronts, and we learn how to be loving parents to ourselves – including setting healthy limits – when we’re raised by parents who can do that for themselves and their children.

      • Lisa

        Sheryl,

        Are there any posts that you feel clarify and reinforce this way of looking at things? After taking the trust yourself course, I have continued to listens to the mp3s, but often worry about myself being that “well meaning caregiver” who forces my kids to sleep they’re not tired, does not feed them when they’re hungry (like when they’ve already been put to bed)… For me this very much challenges the idea of being born with a built in guidance system at birth knowing exactly what I need and when I needed it… But then as a parent knowing that this isn’t quite the case.

        As may be the case with many of your clients, I look at things very holistically, and always consider the way one way of thinking affects the other.
        Any further direction would be much appreciate. As I mentioned, via a blog post recommendation is fine, as I know you are busy.

        thanks

  • ann

    Hi Sheryl, would you know how often you will be offering the “trust yourself” 30 day program in 2016? While I have always had a lot of issues with self-trust my whole life, my most pressing issue right now as a newlywed is relationship anxiety and possible impending baby anxiety. I am stuck on what courses to focus on, I feel like I should take them all but don’t have the time and money. My instinct tells me to finish the concious weddings ecourse and possibly take the birthing new mother course. But if this course is offered very rarely I will take advantage

    • Hi Ann: I will likely offer it again in May/June 2016. Many people do take all of the course but not all at once! It’s best to focus on one at a time, and it sounds like the Break Free and/or Birthing a New Mother would be best for you for now.

  • ali

    I try very hard to not let what other people think affect me too much. Especially when it comes to relationships. I find I now no longer confide in people about my relationship (my partner suffers from relationship anxiety) as more often than not they tell me I shouldn’t be putting up with it. Deep down I know he is the right man for me and is worth being patient with. But sometimes living with his doubts becomes hard and I begin to look at other people who have seemingly much happier lives than us (our relationship is very kind and loving, but seems to have an almost permanent undertone of sadness coming from him as he feels it’s not quite right and he’s not giving me what I need – although most of the time I feel he gives me exactly what I need!)…and comparing myself with these other people makes me wonder if I do deserve a partner who is sure about their love for me (like I am about him!). So we end up in a spiral of doubt – his doubts kick off my doubts…his sadness triggers my sadness. We both love each other very much but sometimes it feels like we just can’t seem to get past this to make it work. Am I right to keep persevering and trusting what I believe in my heart (that he’s worth the hard work)?

  • Angela

    Mohammad thank you from the bottom of my heart for your help
    And support. Your welcome and I am here for you and everybody on this forum! I feel your pain guys i really do. As much truth you and Sheryl say. At times like today i feel broken and i cant be fixed and i know thats not true. I just feel like that. Even have gone through an unhealthy childhood and teenage struggles. I am still able to function and think positively. I feel anxious today, i wonder what my purpose is in this life. I dont feel loved by my family and I am dealing and accepting that now. I have no choice. I only need the love of myself and my husband. I am a good person and I deserve the best in life. Tears rolling down my face as i write my truth. Im sitting with this bluff of anxiety. I feel tired of it.
    Happy New Year xo

  • Nan12b

    Sheryl,
    I’m recently discovering that I am an anxious-sensitive person. This New Year’s Eve, I find myself down… And I realized I feel sad every single New Year’s Eve. I put my hand over my heart and recognized that I’m feeling down, just like you mention in the break free e-course. Do you have any idea why New Years could be a possible time to feel down? I guess it’s a transition but I don’t know why it has such an affect on me every year. Wondering if anyone has ever felt the same!

    Happy New Years!
    -Nicole

  • Kath

    Hi again Sheryl,
    As a child, I was exposed to emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I have just broken up from my ex boyfriend who also suffered severe emotional and physical abuse as a child, as ours had become a relationship full of fear, abuse and unhappiness – at least partly because of the damage from our pasts leading to a vicious circle of damaging behaviour and responses from both sides. Do you think the Trust Yourself programme would be useful to me at this point, or do you think I would be better with more focused and supported help to heal and move on from abuse? I am going to go and see my doctor about this too.

    • Hi Kath: At this point, I would suggest individual therapy with an excellent therapist to help you heal from the abuse. At a later point you might consider the Trust Yourself program, which works very well in conjunction with therapy. Sending love –

  • Kath

    Much love to you Angela, I hadn’t read your post properly when I posted before.

  • Lea

    Silver,

    Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I feel completely in the same way. The more you let the problem control you, the more it takes over your thoughts, that’s all I know. I’ve let thing out of control, It’s been a year we’ve been engaged so far and I still haven’t figured things out. I’m afraid to take a step back since I’m scared that it will make me realize that I need to let him go and I’m afraid to take a step forward and marry him because of these terrible doubts. He’s so amazing but I think he’s loosing patience. He even said that I need to make the decision till the end of the month since he doesn’t wanna loose another year stuck in the same spot . I’m so lost, It’s terrifying. I can’t seem to find light or spark of hope, I’ve let things come so far that I’ve lost myself…….Waiting things to get better doesn’t help. Action is needed….

  • Kath

    Silver, Loxa

    I’ve realised my anxiety in my relationship was due to real problems of abuse. But even then, there were whole layers of anxiety of my own based on past experiences. Learning to not take the anxiety at face value and let it drag you away on its own path is key.Don’t dismiss it or suppress it, let it wash around you as if you were sat in a river of your emotions. With time you may see what it is really trying to tell you so that you can gently address the root cause whatever thst may be. Hope that helps.

  • Angela

    Hi Kath, much love to you as well. We both have that horrible abuse experience. It aint a pretty issue to face but in order to move forward we have to feel all the emotions and not surpress them. Which i have done for many years and that resulted in full on anxiety. We didnt want to feel the pain we thought we were trying to protect ourselves but instead it done us more harm than good. Kath, your not alone there many people in the same boat. This is the place to be vulnerable to all our feelings. Its so healthy for us.

  • Kath

    Thank you Angela for your reply, it is so helpful. You are so right about suppressing feelings being unhealthy. Thanks again for your support.

  • Louise

    Hi sheryl, I was thinking about doing the trust yourself programme but I’m not sure if it is suitable for what I need. I get very overwhelmed when turning inwards so I know the support of others would be really helpful. However I feel the help I need is with forming a relationship with myself to heal old wounds. Is this part of the programme?

    Thank you, louise

    • That’s exactly what the program will help you do, Louise: create a solid relationship with yourself, which is the foundation of creating healthy relationships with others.

  • Onedayatatime

    I feel like I will never get here. I want it but I also long for a life full of praise and admiration from others, to know people care about me. It’s so external, I know. I have always felt like nothing when I’m alone, really lonely actually. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I believe in any higher power or greater plan for myself. So then what? And when I try to pull myself away from longing for all those lives I don’t live and never will live… Reality isn’t desirable. But I know I am relying on expectations and outcomes that will keep spinning. Yet nothing else, nothing is enough. How do I believe when I want to believe but my thoughts don’t?

    • What books are you reading these days? How are you spending your free time? How much time are you spending on your screens? Are you journaling or meditating on a regular basis?

  • Onedayatatime

    I recently had my bf change my passwords to social media. I still go on my screen, like the forum other blogs and stuff. I can’t seem to get through any books these days. Some informational and non fiction, been trying a fiction. Have been getting out on runs past few weeks…My most recent “action” that I can enjoy. I can’t seem to get into journaling even though I want to. I feel like it’s because no one sees what I write. It’s just for me, no audience or praise or reassurance I guess. Doesn’t feel like enough. I have just applied to volunteer somewhere to try and get out there. But I waste a lot of time, motivation is so hard. But yes I need to do these things.

    • Change will only occur through action. And yes, I understand how powerful the resistance can be. You will find your way. You are young, mid 20s, yes? On some level, you’re supposed to be feeling lost and unmoored. 20s are the new adolescence ;). Take action when you can and take solace with as much self-compassion as possible.