Longing for Desire

IMG_3847Most people are familiar with the heart-aching pain of grief. Most people can identify the empty thud of loneliness. Most people know when they’ve been pricked by the green-eyed monster of jealousy, or taken under the thick, gray blanket of shame. But how often do we talk about longing?

In the container of my virtual office, I hear about it many times a week:

I long for a baby.

I long for a partner.

I long for my mother.

I long for my father. 

I long for the parents I never had.

I long for my childhood.

I long for a house.

I long for community.

I long for a best friend.

I long for God (or spirit, connection to something higher, whatever term works for you).

I long for a different climate.

I long for a different city.

I long to be single.

I long to feel alive.

I long to feel in love.

I long to feel desire. 

What composes the hymn of longing? What notes comprise the sonata that stirs the soul like a great piece of music, rising up from the depths of oneself like a hand that commands our attention until we grab hold?

Until we decipher its code and learn its language, how to meet the longing often remains a mystery. Just as we must learn the difference between healthy grieving and intrusive pain, so we must learn to discern between root longing and secondary longing. Root longing calls our attention to a whole and real need inside that, when met, can point us toward a new direction or experience in life. Secondary longing contains whispers of a root longing that must be deciphered so that we don’t follow signs that point us in misguided direction.

For example, the longing for God (spirit, connection to higher self) is a root longing. When we feel that longing, there’s nothing to decipher or decode; we must simply listen and learn how to bring more of that connection into our lives. When my clients sit in church and describe the longing that arises as they listen to the music and gather in community, that’s a healthy, root longing that says, “This feeds my soul. I need more of this. Listen.”

The longing for father, on the other hand, is primarily a secondary longing. If you didn’t grow up with a healthy, loving, clear father-figure, the longing for father often arises during adulthood. This longing, when unexamined, can then lead a woman to seek relationships with older men as a way to try to fulfill the absence. This never works, of course, and often only leads to more longing. To break apart this secondary longing is to arrive at the core longing, which often contains a longing for God, and also a longing for one’s own clear, masculine, inner father.

The same is true with the longing for mother. Many people who were raised by a narcissistic mother suffer from a mother wound, which leads them to seek false mother figures or project their unworked feelings about this primal relationship onto their partner. When we break apart the longing and examine the wound at its core, we learn that there is grief contained inside it: the grief of not having had a mother that knew who to put your needs first. This needs attention. Then there is the invitation to create a sustaining, daily relationship with both the Great Mother through nature and active imagination and a relationship to one’s own inner mother: the place inside that tends to ourselves with compassion and gentleness. If we only follow the original longing we miss the deeper underpinnings that can guide us toward healing and growth.

We can deconstruct the list of longings at the beginning of this post in the same manner. And, of course, some of the longings – like the longing for a baby – contain both a root longing and a secondary longing. When a woman longs for a baby we must take it at face value, as for many women becoming a mother is one of the most primal needs she has. But when conception doesn’t occur quickly, she’s then asked to deconstruct this immense longing into its disparate elements. There she often finds a longing for her own wholeness, a need to connect to the fertility and the juiciness of being a fully creative woman that extends beyond conception.

Let’s take a look at another longing from the list: the very common longing for more desire that appears in many stable relationships. I often hear statements like, “I wish I wanted to be physically close to my partner like I was in the beginning or with my ex,” or “I long for more sexual desire for my partner.” Taken at face value, these statements easily activate the anxious mind, and it’s a not far leap to jump on the “I’m with the wrong partner” train of thought. The minute you jump on that train, you’re headed down the slippery slope that lands you in relationship anxiety torment. But if you can approach the longing with curiosity and discern between root and secondary longing, you’re on the road to building your own self-knowledge, which then culminates in more inner wisdom.

The root longing here is the longing for more closeness and desire in an intimate relationship. This is a healthy longing and one that, when followed and nurtured over time, will result in a deepening of intimacy. In other words, the longing for more desire is a healthy one. If you didn’t long for more closeness you wouldn’t be healthfully attached! So we see the longing as evidence of a healthy attachment style and then ask, “What’s interfering with our closeness?” We also keep in mind that when relationships are nurtured in healthy ways, the effortless flow of affection and sexuality arises naturally. And we must remember that this a dance that can take many, many years (decades, even) to find the steps that lead to more flow and desire.

Then we go deeper and ask, “Where do I feel desire in my life separate from my partner? How is my relationship to my own aliveness? Where do I feel turned-on and excited by my life? Am I having enough fun? Am I connecting enough to my own creative and spiritual wellsprings? Are these channels of passion open and vital, awake and pulsating with a desire to explore, create, and connect with my version of the divine? Am I connecting to a wild, abandoned, ecstatic part of me?” If we’re not passionate about our own lives we’re going to feel a certain stagnancy in our partnerships, as it’s not our partners job to ignite this passion. We must take full responsibility for our primal needs for ecstasy and wildness.

If the longing for desire is directly connected to sexuality, we ask, “How is my own sexual relationship with myself, separate from my partner? Do I feel awake and connected to my body? Do I feel my own arousal? What is my relationship like to touch?” If you know that you struggle in any of these areas, then the work is to turn inward and explore your own blocks that prevent you from being in fluid and active relationship with yourself and your partner.

So the longing for more desire contains both a longing for your own aliveness/wildness and a longing for closeness with your partner. What is does not contain is a push toward finding a different partner.

The trap – the achilles heel of the anxious mind – is to believe the thought that says, “I would have effortless desire with someone else.” Desire is tricky because it’s often intimately connected to longing, so if your ex was someone who wasn’t emotionally available and you were in the pursuer role of the pursuer-distancer dynamic, desire would have come more effortlessly. But I don’t consider this the true, healthy desire that arises when two people are in the same place at the same time, desire the originates from a full well of Self and overflows to meet the reliable presence of a loving partner. No, I consider it longing-induced desire, akin to what our culture calls “being in love.”

If we are to be love-warriors, we must find the courage to meet all of our emotions with tenderness and curiosity, understanding that they originate inside of us and, thus, can be resolved inside of us. The culturally-conditioned habit is to jump ship when longing arises and fall prey to the belief that the answers lie “out there”. The love-warrior stays the course and turns inward to discover the true source of longing.

There is wisdom in longing, a message from the underworld of psyche that longs to be known. If we take the longing at face value, we often find ourselves on a wild-goose chase punctuated by increasing anxiety that culminates in despair. But when we learn to read the impulses from psyche as messages from the underworld, and avail ourselves of the archetype of Persephone, the priestess who is a go-between the worlds of seen and unseen, we become the our own Wise Woman or Wise Man, our own oracle that can divine our paths without needing to seek answers from other so-called experts. For contained in the messengers of longing, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts are pearls of wisdom that, when deciphered, can lead us onto our own empowered path where we deeply know everything we need to know.

52 comments to Longing for Desire

  • ColoradoGirl

    Beautifully timed as always! A VERY happy Mother’s Day to you Sheryl! With Love, Sara

  • Mary

    Thank you Sheryl x

  • Behnaz

    Amazing Sheryl, these words resonate with me. I don’t have a partner yet I feel this longing for a relationship or sexual intimacy outside of myself, which has recently raised the question: how can I self-partner and give myself the connection I so long for outside of me? I believe the answer is in my body and soul.. I feel whole when I nourish my body and my mind and in those moments my longing for a partner to fulfill those needs lessens. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and happy belated Mother’s Day to you.

    Love,
    Beez

  • HJR

    Hi Sheryl,

    I feel this post is timely. I often find myself longing for more intimate times with my partner. Intimate as if in nice little touches of affection to know he loves me. He tells me he loves me but he has a hard time showing me. He’s not very affectionate. This makes me feel not very loved by him because he doesn’t physically show me he loves me. He struggles to show his emotions and when he doesn’t I tend to move away because I feel like he doesn’t love me, and then the anxious thoughts start. I know it isn’t his responsibility to make me feel loved but sometimes i would just like more affection from him. I have told him this and he has tried to be more affectionate but he says he struggles to open up like this. His whole family are not very affectionate or close. Nobody hugs, or holds hands, or even kisses eachother on cheeks because they don’t feel comfortable and are just not that close. I think he naturally brings this in to the relationship and he has said he feels he does what his family does. His parents have been married for years but they sit on opposite sides of the room every day and don’t touch, kiss or anything. So he is not used to showing love in actions. I find this odd because my mum and dad have a lovely relationship, they are always affectionate, laughing and having fun even when times are hard. We are all very affectionate as a family, I always hug my family, I still hold my mums hand sitting on the sofa at the age of 23!! I find comfort in affection so I find it hard sometimes because when I am feeling anxious I try to break out of this by taking loving actions but often find I feel rejected. I know he does love me, I see it in his eyes but he just does not know how to show this because of how he has grown up and what he has seen growing up. He has been better recently, he said he is trying for me and our relationship because he knows he isn’t the most affectionate. I have seen an improvement but it kind of breaks my heart. How did he grow up in such an unloving household? I feel he puts up
    blocks a lot, he came from a very rough area where he was fighting a lot. He had to put his guard up a lot so nobody would catch him off guard and start a fight, a lot of friends died over the years because of the area he grew up in so I know this doesn’t help him.

    Do you have any advice on what I can do to help him and help him feel more comfortable in his emotions and actions? I really want to help him but I don’t know how. Other than this, our relationship is very healthy and loving, we have a lot of trust, security, and love. I feel safe with him, we are best friends and we have a lot of fun together. It is just this bit of the relationship I would like to improve on.

    I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks 🙂

    • Is he open to couples’ therapy? As the relationship is basically healthy and solid, it probably wouldn’t take many sessions to help him open up and break through some of his walls. If he’s open, the only model of couples’ therapy I recommend is EFT. You can learn more here:

      http://www.iceeft.com

      • HJR

        I haven’t asked him yet but will definitely ask and see if he would be like to, thank you for your advice Sheryl 🙂

  • Silver

    Hi, why do I feel so distanced to my partner and keep looking at other girls too much, I keep asking myself why I’m doing this the temptations keep getting stronger and I keep losing passion in my relationship. I’m trying to do the work but when I do it more obstacles such as religion, and the way I don’t completely forgive myself arise. I have longings and try to understand my needs but I always come up super selfish and giving less time with my partner. Sorry for posting too much

  • Ivana

    Thank you Sheryl, I was crying when was reading this. It is absolutely my case.

    My GAD started 1 year ago. I was with my partner for 5 years, everything was perfect.
    I had anxiety, but I was still in love with my partner. I had hypochondria, HOCD, fear of schizophrenia, fear of depression – pure O. But still my relationship was really good and HE was really caring and the best support for me. Because I had panic attacks and it was the hardest time of my life.

    But in that time I didn´t live my life fully cause of anxiety. I carried my anxiety with me everywhere and in every thought. And one day I found out that I really longed for DESIRE. Like a drug. I had crushes I really wanted that feeling „ectasy“ of new love. When I saw some attractive man, immediately it was a crush and thoughts like „If I would experience new romance, I would be maybe happy“. I had really big guilt toward my partner, because I love him but this desire was so strong.

    From that day I started asking „What if I dont love my boyfriend…“ After maybe 3 months I really lost feelings for my boyfriend and I am numb since then. Because everytime when I looked at him I was looking for some feelings, some desire…

    My anxiety mind thought that If I could meet someone else I would forget about my anxiety and I would be happy. But deep down I know that it would be the same with every guy after some time. I know it.

    So I know that problem is with me. Because my partner is perfect for me, we really have the same values, same opinions. He attracted me very much for 5 years. It was a big chemistry. But anxiety changed everything.

    I FEEL that I don´t live life fully and that´s why I want to compensate it with „in love feeling.“

    And I am really ashamed, how can I be so evil. “How can I long for other men (or other romance)? That must mean that I don´t love him.” I want feel that desire in my relationship. Now my fear is so big that I can´t kiss him or hug him, everytime my heart is beating and I really feel nothing. I know that it is anxiety but still it is so real that I doubt it. I am crazy from this anxiety. I am irritated with him and it is torture. I don´t want to break up, but my anxiety screams at me that I must run.

  • Mr B

    Hi Sheryl,
    Brilliant article that always makes me think that one step further.
    One question you mentioned in the text that ‘if your ex was someone who wasn’t emotionally available and you were in the pursuer role of the pursuer-distancer dynamic, desire would have come more effortlessly’.. Why does desire arise more effortlessly from the pursuer? Judging from the type of person I am, highly sensitive, if desire arose in that situation it would be because I knew I’d be distanced and safe at home at the end of the night with no risk of anything developing. Keeping me and my ego ‘safe’… Am on the right track?
    I’m just touching on this on the eCourse as well but this example has me curious.
    As always Sheryl thank you for your brilliant work.
    Mr B

  • Christina Guglielmo

    Hi Sheryl,

    Great post and long-time follower. I am confused based on seeing the comments from Ivana/Silver and then Mr. B. I feel like my most recent relationship was in this same position of lacking, and could have been possible been created by my own thoughts and feelings of lacking (career-wise) mostly. I am worried I pushed him away. He cheated and I left. I don’t want to try and fix the relationship, I feel like I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. But how do I prevent this in the future?

    Thanks,
    Christina

    • You’re not responsible for his choice to cheat. All you can do next time is become aware of your thoughts and how your fear might create walls.

  • Newly Married

    Hi Sheryl I have a question, I was reading your article, great doubt great awakening and I have not been through doubt about my relationship and the more time goes by the more I feel love for my husband, I cant say that I have been totally doing all the work you invite us to do but I have been feeling more grateful naturally more and more and reading your article about awakening and doubt, if I have not much doubt does that mean I have no awakening? and also my ego tells me, how can you feel grateful and or happy or loving or even have a good relationship if you are not doing all the work, You cant feel like that, you are not healed, its like something feels wrong for feeling well and that its not true or must not be true because I am not doing all the work…. are those the voices of the WF? or the truth that my well self is connecting more with gratitude? I do feel more grateful and opened of my heart…. I had an episode of a lot of anger and I exploded after my mother ( who I had not too much closeness died) and now more and more I feel more opened, and grateful, I even find myself giving thanks to the little animals who die for us to eat sometimes, although I do try not to eat meat…. I just would love to hear your thoughts towards this…
    Thank you God Bless and I am grateful for all your posts..

    • Newly Married

      I mean to say the voices of the WS not WF 🙂 sorry

    • What’s clear in many of your comment, Newly Married, is that you lack self-trust. Have you considered my Trust Yourself program? I strongly recommend it for you, and i’ll be offering it again on June 11th. As far as your question, you don’t need to experience doubt in order to have a great relationship! And you can certainly find gratitude without following any specific type of inner work. 😉

  • Newly Married

    I just wanted to add I stll have anxiety and intrusive thoughts but I am connecting more with the part of me that says” what would love do or say” and the part that says its ok to have thoughts and anxiety, just pray and connect with love, it doesnt always work but more and more the more I practice and remember it the better i feel….

  • Newly Married

    Thank you Sherly I will look it up, I get scared of sinning up for it and sometimes I get a little scared of trusting myself, but the more I remember how much doubt I used to have and how confused I was, there was that little voice would tell me that what I was feeling or experiencing was not true was fear or etc many things and that little voice was almost like “hope” and now looking back I see that that was my inner trust telling me the truth so its safer now to start to hear it, its the voice that gives me voice, the voice that is very very far and that whispers good things, the ego tells me that its too go to be true and too loving or too forgiving or too positive or too optimistic or too GOOD in general, but the truth is that good and love and forgiveness is all there is inside of us, and the ego tells us that because its too good and too of those loving things its not a true voice, wants to condemn us, but now am learning that thats not true… thank you and I will consider to take it next month, I been saving up for the list of courses I want to take…
    God Bless.

  • Amaryllis

    I second ColoradoGirl. I’m so glad to find kindred spirits here. Love your blog posts Sheryl! <3

  • Nicole

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’ve read about the Trust Yourself Program; I’ve done Break Free & OYH (as you know!) but would you recommend Trust Yourself to me? I do have an issue in ‘remembering’ and ‘doubting’ my own clarity moments or clearer moments. Thanks and as always, this blog post is right on target!! I was just thinking earlier this week that I want to feel more desire and in love feelings for my partner!

    Much love,
    Nicole

    • I think you would love the program, Nicole, and that it will build on the strong foundations that you’ve created with the other two programs.

  • Kaiti

    Hi Sheryl I love you articles. You have guided me through some of the toughest times and I can’t think you enough. Just reading all of your blogs calms my anxiety. And thanks to you I am now a psychology major and I hope to be a counselor and help people the way you have helped me. It was last summer when I entered into the horrible hell of Relationship anxiety, The man that has been so amazing to me and has loved me unconditionally no matter what has stuck with me through it all even though I know it took a toll on him as well. Ive never felt so scared in my entire life, the moment when I saw him and felt so afraid of our relationship even though nothing had happened. It killed me because I love him more than anything and the though of have a life without him is so scary. With much therapy and medication I finally got to a good spot and me and my boyfriend of 2 years are doing very well. Now its summer time again and Im starting to feel anxious for no reason and the first thing I do is create problems in my relationship that is perfectly fine. If I know that, why do I do this to myself. Why does the relationship anxiety come and go? Why can’t it just go away for good, why when I feel anxious do I have to pin it on our relationship?

    • The anxiety is the messenger, Kaiti, which means it’s here to alert you to something inside that needs attention. The trap is to make it about your partner. The path of consciousness understands that anxiety is the distress flare and then look inside to ask what’s off kilter. I’m wondering if summer is a trigger for you. Is there any trauma or pain associated with summer?

      • Kaiti

        Sheryl,

        Thank you so much for your reply. Yes summer has always been a little stressful for me. My parents divorced when I was 7 and summer time was always a huge battle between my parents on which weeks we would be with who. My sister and I were always in the middle and my parents had a pretty nasty divorce. The summer going into my senior year I developed an eating disorder and thats when I had to start going to therapy. Fortunately I have a great therapist and last summer when all my anxiety began my boyfriend went to therapy with me every week. I just hate this, whenever the anxiety arises I point it all towards my relationship and question everything between us but when I feel happy and relaxed I feel fine and everything seems to be more clear. I love him and its not fair to him that I have to go through this. It makes me sick. As soon as I came home from college I was already preparing myself to go through this again. What is going on with me?

        • That makes sense. The work now is to reel the projection off of your boyfriend and put it back on you so that you can attend to your own grief and anything else that needs attention. I encourage you to consider the course when you’re ready:

          http://conscious-transitions.com/break-free-from-relationship-anxiety-e-course/

          • Kaiti

            Sheryl,

            Something you wrote in your reply to me has been lingering in my mind the past few days. You said the anxiety is a messenger and something inside of me needs attention, How do I attend to that? In other words, How do I even figure out what it is that I need to be working on? I’ve been such a broken person for such a long time and the one good thing that came into my life was my partner and now I can’t even look at him and enjoy what we have because I feel so frightened that maybe I’m feeling this way because we shouldn’t be together and then that gives me more anxiety because I don’t want to be without him. He’s been my rock and sometimes through all of this I seem him through clear eyes and it makes me feel happy and relieved but I can’t deal with the fear I have of all the anxiety coming back.

      • Kaiti

        I forgot to mention in there that my eating disorder was about 3 years ago now. The anxiety I experienced last summer was something completely different and it made me extremely depressed.

      • Kaiti

        Sheryl,

        Something you wrote in your reply to me has been lingering in my mind the past few days. You said the anxiety is a messenger and something inside of me needs attention, How do I attend to that? In other words, How do I even figure out what it is that I need to be working on? I’ve been such a broken person for such a long time and the one good thing that came into my life was my partner and now I can’t even look at him and enjoy what we have because I feel so frightened that maybe I’m feeling this way because we shouldn’t be together and then that gives me more anxiety because I don’t want to be without him. He’s been my rock and sometimes through all of this I seem him through clear eyes and it makes me feel happy and relieved but I can’t deal with the fear I have of all the anxiety coming back.

  • Barrett

    Hi Sheryl,

    I was starting to feel a little anxiety in my relationship with my partner a month and a half or so ago, and was starting to question a little why I was “falling out of love” with my perfect girlfriend. She is everything I’ve ever wanted: loving, kind, patient, reliable, loyal, similar needs from our future. The anxiety was manageable until a few weeks ago. I actively fantasized about an ex-girlfriend in the bedroom. Ever since then I’ve been an absolute wreck (even though I would never in a million years go back to that lying, cheating girl) and my mind has now associated my ex with my current girlfriend. I can’t think her name or see her face without my ex popping in. It’s so unfair to my current girlfriend and these thoughts are tormenting me. This site seems extremely encouraging and I’m very close to going ahead and purchasing the e-course, but I just wanted to know if this little mind-association is something that can be approached using the tools you give over the duration of the course. I’m so afraid of losing this amazing girl over someone I don’t want to be with anymore.

  • nancy

    Can anxiety cause anger towards my SO ? I find for a little bit now ive been 100 % more moody with him on and off , where at times he will do something and i would be angry and normal then other times i tend to get angry at stupid things or something he cant control or even something that happended during work and ill come home and i might find something irritating but i will explod towards him and feel so bad after realizing its all my fault. Im so scared and worried to find out that this isnt working out because i really really want to work on this

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl, What a beautiful post!! 😘
    I am longing to have a baby, I always thought that I would have kids like in my twenties. Ok it didnt happen in my twenties, so it might happen in my thirties and it also didnt happen in my thirties, it has been so hard to have an empty womb. I dont feel complete until I become a mother, I am one of those late boomers. I am trying to accept it, but it isnt easy when it has been a primarily and natural thing for me to become a mother, experience thebirthing. I guess my time will come soon, its written in the stars. I do try to make things positive. And im blessed for having my husband and sometimes he behaves like a child. Good practise i guess. I am happy just dont feel complete.

  • Justkeepswimming

    Hi Sheryl,

    I keep feeling a sense of longing/sadness when I think of my parents (who I live with), grandmother (I spent the week with her last week as my grandfather just passed away and it was his funeral), sister and brother.

    When I go to my boyfriends house and think of my parents I feel a weird feeling that almost feels like sadness.

    I also sometimes get it when I hear a song I used to hear a lot during my childhood growing up.

    I’m not really sure what this is about, but is it possible that maybe I have a fear of growing up?

    I’m 19 and will be going to university in September (which my relationship anxiety keeps latching onto like crazy), I wonder if maybe it’s because deep down I’m fearing leaving my home (although i’m not going far), and the life I know so well?

    I wonder too if this contributed to my relationship anxiety as my boyfriend is going to a big city about 5 hours away and before my relationship anxiety hit it was something I was deeply worried about but often pushed the worry aside and tried to live in the present, because my rational mind would notice that we are strong, committed and willing to do the work, but I guess my irrational anxiety based mind took over.

    Is the fear of growing up possibly behind my weird sense of longing/sadness when I think of my family? Sorry for the ramble!

  • Hi

    I’ve been struggling with relationship anxiety for a long while now. I will have maybe two clear days where all I want to do is marry my girlfirend right then and there. Then all of a sudden something will trigger my anxiety and I start questioning again if I’m with the wrong partner. I wish this would all go away. I want to be happy with her not constantly thinking about stupid things. I have also struggled with HOCD, where i start thinking maybe I’m not capable of loving another women (I’m a lesbian so HOCD tricks me into thinking I’m straight). I also have days where my mind tells me I should be with someone else and this wouldn’t be a problem anymore. I want this to stop already, I wanna be there for my girlfriend and not stuck in my thoughts. I start feeling like I don’t deserve her because of this. This has cause my desire for sex to go away, which makes my anxiety worse. Everytime she comes close I push away. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I want to move closer towards her but then I start thinking that it shouldn’t be this hard for me, so I don’t want to do the work.

    • This biggest hurtle to overcome when struggling with relationship anxiety is the belief that it wouldn’t be happening with someone else. Until you know and trust that the anxiety lives and originates inside of you, you won’t really take the responsibility required for doing this work and, ultimately, breaking free.

  • Silver

    My partner and I talked about getting married in the future however we have different ages that we want to get married and I got filled with anxiety.Thoughts entered my mind like I’m not emotionally available and that maybe I don’t want to really marry her, Could emotional availablity could be healed? Or it’s just I don’t want to marry her because of my fears, commitment issues?

  • MohTA

    That is a great article Sheryl.

  • B

    Hey Sheryl, I have a question. My anxiety feels like a paradox. I’m was addicted to being around my boyfriend because he made me feel less empty, now that I’ve realized this i get so much anxiety when I’m with him because I feel like I’m with him for the wrong reasons. I love his company his personality but I feel like I use it to make myself feel happy. I don’t know how to love him in a healthy way since I’ve loved him in a very selfish way the 2 years we have been together.. How do I fill my inner well when I’m with the person who fills the void? I’m terrified my only option is to break it off and I don’t want to do that because I love him. Any advice would help me tremendously..

  • B

    Sorry I feel like I *used to do it to make myself feel happy. Now I want to just enjoy his sweet loving company and not as a void. But how do I do that?

  • HJR

    Hi Sheryl,

    I have been logged out of the forum and it keeps telling me my password is incorrect. I got sent a new password and it got activated. It logs me in and then loads like it’s taking me to the normal page but then signs me out automatically. Can you help me please? Thanks

  • Bumblebee

    Dear Sheryl…
    how to face partner who have relationship anxiety, who uncertain about our steady relationship, he said he wanted to see other woman, and he wanted to open relationship to explore his options after our one year engagement
    he’s unsure with me because he irritated a lot when my english isn’t good (I’m not native english), I’m not smart enough for him, I’m not attractive enough and far away…we’re in long distance relationship
    I just pray everynight for the answer
    hopefully you can inform me something

  • M

    Why does the thought of having a baby spike my relationship anxiety? My husband and I want to start trying in September. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you!

  • Newly Married

    If at this moment you dont long for more closeness does that mean that you dont have healthy attachment? I think that at some point that will happen where I will long for more closeness but at this moment I dont feel like that…

  • Newly Married

    I think sometimes what I long for is wished a had a mother who was there so I could feel safe, and I wished for friends and then also wished I could had been a crafter and live off what I would do with my hands, I just realized thats the londing for my creativity which I dont understand which is the primary root nor the one for having friends when I was young like everyone else did in school…

  • Julia

    This was a beautiful post . Thank you for sharing your thoughts . Thank you for writing about such an important topic so well, and including solutions . It was affirming and helpful.