I'm a devoted wife, a grateful mother, a little sister to three big brothers, a lucky daughter, and a soulmate to my soul-sister friends. I pray at the temple of nature and open in the presence of poetry. I'm inspired by the challenges and gifts of being in a human body, and I feel most alive when I'm connected to gratitude, to the present moment and, mostly, to love.
I’m deeply passionate about every aspect of transitions – from teething to adolescence, becoming a wife or husband, becoming a parent, moving, changing careers, etc. I’m endlessly fascinated by the cycles of death-liminal-rebirth that transitions follow, from the changing of the seasons to the arc of our lives.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the breaking and renewal points in a human life, the cycles of nature, even the beginning and end of a new day. Through my early research I learned that, while indigenous and traditional cultures have elaborate rituals designed to guide their members through every life change, our culture leaves its members alone and bereft of the simple yet time-honored information that can make the difference between stumbling through transitions blindly and emerging on the other side as a more authentic, compassionate, and wiser person.
Through Conscious Weddings and Conscious Motherhood I’ve attempted to fill the gap around two of the most significant transitions in a woman’s life; with this site I hope to fill the gap around transitions in general, from the more obvious life transitions like moving, changing jobs, ending a marriage, and midlife to the more subtle changes like passing through the seasons and holidays, showing how transformational each of these can be when we approach them with courage and consciousness.
Transitions are one of the primary lenses through which I view and understand the world. Personally and professionally, the context and language of transitions help me make sense of life. Whether it’s my sons’ teething or my clients feeling anxious during their engagement, when I remember to contextualize the event through the archetypal pattern of letting go-liminal-rebirth, the anxiety and challenges are eased and I guide us into a more harmonious alignment with the transition at hand. This is what it means to walk through a transition with grace; we don’t fight it or resist it, but allow for the necessary emotions to move through us until we arrive at the other side stronger and wiser than before.
If you’re unfamiliar with my work, please take a few moments to read the tab entitled, “An Overview of Transitions.” It will give you a basic context for every transition you’re going through as well as a vocabulary for understanding my posts.
I look forward to connecting with you here! And if you’re enduring a specific transition that you’d like me to address, please let me know through the contact page.
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Sheryl Paul, M.A., pioneered the field of bridal counseling in 1998. She has since counseled thousands of people worldwide through her private practice, her bestselling books, “The Conscious Bride” and “The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner,” and her websites. She’s regarded as the international expert on the wedding transition and has appeared several times on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”, as well as on “Good Morning America” and other top television, radio, and newspapers around the globe. Phone and Skype sessions available internationally.
This article originally appeared last year in Rhythm of the Home Magazine. I’m reprinting today in honor of the first day of Spring.
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When we align ourselves with the primary action of each season, we can harness the energy that permeates the natural world and, thus, facilitate our own transitions. During autumn, as we witness the falling of leaves, we open to the energy of shedding and ask ourselves, “What is it time to let go of?” In winter, as we watch the stillness settle over the land and notice the hibernation of our own soul, we ask, “What arises in my quiet and solitude?” In spring, the literal and metaphoric seeds that lay dormant for several months tentatively poke their heads through the warming earth then burst into full bloom. And in summer, we celebrate the fruits of our labor and enjoy the days of water and sunshine, asking ourselves, “What is it time to celebrate?”
On the threshold of spring, we begin to notice a quiet awakening within. The intentions that we set during the long days of winter, both for ourselves and our children, may have lain dormant these past months, but now we see the first green heads pushing through and realize that the dawn of something new is upon us. Spring is the season of hope and renewal when, encouraged by the increase of light and warmth, we find the energy to take the necessary action that can push the tentative new beginning into full awakening.
Now is the time to ask yourself: “What is longing to be born? If I set intentions on New Year’s, how can I draw upon the energy of renewal and call those intentions into action? What changes and rebirths do I observe in my children? What seeds of new beginnings were resting in the underground caverns of my child’s mind and are now bursting into fruition?”
Spring is green, tender, and alive. It’s the childhood stage of the seasons of transitions where innocence and purity permeate the atmosphere. (For a more detailed and graphic representation of each season, please see my Seasons of Transitions diagram.) As nature wakes from her winter slumber and you observe the first pale green leaves unfolding out of the buds, ask yourself, “What is childlike inside of me that wishes to come out? What is it that is longing to be born? What do I see in my child that is aching for release?”
Sometimes simply noticing the change of seasons is enough to facilitate an inner change. For example, last year I was counseling a mother of two girls. The younger girl enthusiastically threw herself into every new activity and seemed to exhibit little struggle with life. The older, on the other hand, was more cautious and sensitive, and had been struggling the previous summer with mastering the skill of riding a bike. The girl wanted desperately to ride a bike and join her neighborhood friends in their fun, but something was holding her back.
As spring neared and the weather warmed, my client and I discussed saying to her daughter, “Spring is here to help you learn this new skill. Just like the first crocuses that bravely show their heads even when the threat of winter is still near, you can find the courage to try to ride your bike again even when you’re scared. Perhaps you just weren’t ready last summer. I think you’re ready now. What do you think?” The girl said yes, she was ready and yes, she was still scared. The two of them then planned a special hike together in the early days of spring to observe the ways in which the season was birthing herself. They noticed the tiny green buds on the trees and the delicate blades of wild grasses popping up across the hillsides. They hiked for a few miles, then rested on the earth and felt the warm sun on their faces. When they returned home, the girl rode her bike alone for the first time successfully.
The early weeks of spring often bring a quality of restlessness. As hopeful and optimistic as this season is, there’s always an element of discomfort in the world of transitions. Said bluntly, change is hard, so even when the change is positive – like birthing a new part of yourself or watching your child master a new skill – there’s an itchiness of psyche that occurs when the old self or skill level falls away and the new one hasn’t fully emerged. In summer we celebrate with joyous abandon, but spring is still tentative, and there may be days when winter settles her snow over the land and we’re pulled back into the silent, underground world. When we understand these natural cycles of death and renewal, we can make space for them in our inner lives and help our children make sense of the process of change.
If winter was a season of sorrow, allow the light winds of spring to wash away the residue of grief. If winter was a season of sickness, let the freshness of spring restore you to health. If winter was a season of loss, notice the new life and rebirths that surround you. If winter was a season of silence, invite the birds of spring to bring song back into your life. If winter was a season of hopelessness, connect to the perennial signs of hope that rise up in the natural world as if to say, “Today is a new day. Today I can start something new and find that place of beginning within. Today I am alive and for that I am grateful. Today I see love manifest in the miracles of nature and I whisper a quiet but certain ‘Yes.’”
This was a really beautiful post. Last week was my Spring break with my piano studio, and I gave myself a week to just enjoy the spring. Winter has been marked by losing my husbands father (who he was incredibly close to), and continuing to learn more about myself as an emotional person…with all the anxieties and fears that brings. It’s been a hard winter full of lots of hard emotions. But giving myself permission to enjoy the spring and take some time to nurture my love of being outside, and some close relationships was pretty awesome. Thanks for the reminder!
It seems to be one the last taboos: alongside admitting that you’re not over-the-moon about being engaged and whispering to a friend that your desire for sex with your partner is at the bottom of your to-do list (yes, it’s become a “to-do”) is stating that you don’t find your partner physically attractive. What? In a culture that worships physical beauty and encourages you to place attraction somewhere near the first or second spot on a list of non-negotiables when choosing a marriage partner, admitting that you don’t always find your partner attractive is considered blasphemous and certainly a valid reason to walk away. So when clients and e-course members broach this topic with me, it’s with a great deal of trepidation and guilt, as if they’re committing a cardinal sin.
My first line of action is to reassure them that it’s normal and more common than they think. They only have to access the numerous threads on the e-course forum to see that they’re far from alone in this area. It’s not something that’s discussed in Cosmo and Vogue, but it’s a line of thought that’s alive and well in the psyches of thousands of women and men. My second line of conversation is to begin to break down the flimsy definition of attraction that our culture propagates. Because our culture is obsessed with image, we define beauty only as what is apparent to the camera’s eye. It’s skin-deep, or less than skin-deep if you consider the amount of makeup, airbrushing, and photoshopping that is involved in creating a magazine photo. We carry this definition of beauty into our intimate relationships and assess our partners through this lens. We may consciously say, “I don’t expect him/her to look like a magazine photo,” but we nevertheless define attraction by the superficial criteria that we’ve absorbed since birth. How can we do otherwise? Cultural conditioning runs deep and it’s only with a great deal of awareness that we can re-wire these habitual ways of seeing.
So if attraction isn’t based on physical appearance, what is it about? It’s about essence. It’s about the person you see when all pretenses fade away. It’s about the light that emanates from his eyes or the radiance of her smile. It’s about seeing soul instead of personality, the sustaining beauty of true nature instead of the fleeting beauty of a pretty face. It’s about what draws you to your partner, what connects you, what makes you say “yes” to him or her and no to everyone else. It’s about that place that feels like home, when you can sit next to each other immersed in engaging conversation or content in comfortable silence. I often encourage my clients to eliminate the words attraction or chemistry from their vocabulary – both buzzwords and anxiety-spikes – and instead ask, “What draws me to my partner?” Let’s understand attraction like a magnetic pull instead of in terms of superficial beauty. For we’ve all known people who appear typically beautiful but as soon as they open their mouth, the spell is broken and their true, toad-like nature is revealed. And we’ve known the opposite scenario as well: the person our culture defines as physically unattractive but whose essence radiates such love, warmth, clarity, and goodness that they’re transformed into the fabled prince or princess.
One of my clients, who found me six months before her wedding in the pit of a dark depression, said to me in our session last week, “It’s amazing how attracted I am to my husband when I’m connected to myself. It’s like two essences talking to each other; the superfluous BS just falls away and I’m able to bat off the negative thoughts like an annoying fly. When I’m disconnected or in a projection I think, ‘Ugh. I can’t deal with that feature.’ But most of the time I look over at him and see my handsome, loving husband.” This client has been profoundly committed to her own process of healing and understood within minutes of our first session that her happiness and loving feelings were her own responsibility. Her commitment to managing her internal critical voices of fear and judgement have led to a consistently loving relationship with herself and, by natural extension, a loving relationship with her husband. In other words, when she sees herself through the lens of truth, clarity, and love and connects to her own essence, so she sees the same in her husband. Two essences talking to each other.
When you’re in the thicket of anxiety, it’s not likely you’re going to feel attracted to your partner. In these moment, I offer the following practical recommendations (as I offered on the e-course forum in response to one of the highest viewed threads called “Attraction”):
Carry a photo of him that shows him at his very best. When you’re only seeing him in a negative light, pull out the photo and have a good look. At the same time, carry a photo of yourself at your very worst to remind yourself that you’re not perfect either. We all have good days and bad days. We can all look beautiful or scary. Carrying around both of these photos will help change your perspective and remind you to focus on his physical beauty as well as your own humannness.
As one member mentioned, try to find one quality that you love – his hands, her lips, his eyes - and focus on that.
Remind yourself that when you’re over-focusing on the attraction issue, you’re probably avoiding something else – especially if you know that you’re attracted to his essence. Say to yourself, “I’m in a projection” and then ask,”What feeling am I avoiding by focusing on this right now?”
Watch “Shallow Hal.” It’s such a great movie for revealing how much our culture focuses on the externals and loses sight of essence. It can take a LONG time to reverse this cultural conditioning, but it’s possible.
Remind yourself that attraction comes and goes (just like the feeling of love). No one is always attracted to their partner. That’s just not the way attraction works.
Another member of the e-course, who’s getting married in two weeks, recently shared this inspiring revelation, which shows what happens when you take the fear-bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground, thereby sending it the message that you refuse to allow it to run this show:
I have a few revelations in the ‘attraction’ department, my arch-nemesis! Maybe this will help others who are experiencing projections. It’s so weird but I feel like the tables have turned on me here. He is still the same person, but I seem to have changed. Because he didn’t fit my warped mould of ‘perfect’ I was withholding a part of myself that I feel is critical to attraction: emotional intimacy. I was sort of punishing him for making me feel angry when he wasn’t doing anything to deserve it. My ego said – it’s ‘your’ fault, because you are not Mr Perfection (obviously I was not yet done getting over this fantasy). As soon as I realised that my ego was in the driver’s seat, demanding perfection, I kicked her arse and said, “Wow ego, you’re really unattractive – go get some humility and start appreciating him for who he is, share your self more and stop expecting him to make you feel a certain way. You’re going to lose a really really great guy if you keep this up.”
It occured to me that this was more than just lack of being attracted = no intimacy. It was my shutdown that was preventing ME from being intimate with him – thus, shutting down a vital connection that is way more than physical. So yeah, reporting that ‘it’ was kinda my ‘fault’.
This whole attraction thing has been so ‘over the top’ in my head for so long, it’s weird having this new window to see through; I mean, I have dated many different guys, all of them have been different, no one has been perfect. I never had this anxiety over them!! It was more that in my head, the place I reserved for my husband was one that had to be perfect. Now, my partner is pretty perfect so WHY this need for a Mr Perfection? Sure, the Hollywood stereotypes played a HUGE part, but the inner child was SCREAMING something and I only have just started to hear her, and it’s to do with being visibly protected by someone bigger than me, physically, because of so much crap I, like many of us, have experienced in the past. And so, I think, this need to be with someone who could put ‘certain people in my past’ in their place, was important to my inner child. I had to tell her that I DID have someone that was going to protect me, that my partner was WAY better than anyone else I’d ever met at protecting and nurturing me emotionally as well as protecting me physically and that I as her Loving adult could also protect her.
Since then there has been excellent progress made
The bottom line truth is that beauty fades over time. If you’re going to remain married to someone for sixty years, you’re going to see hairlines recede, boobs sag, bellies pooch, hairs turn grey. And if you’ve picked your partner primarily because of the way he or she looks, you’re going to have a very hard time sustaining real attraction over the long haul of marriage. Real attraction, like real love, is sustainable, solid, and grows over time. It would behoove you to learn about it now.
Thank you to my client and e-course member for their permission to use their quotes.
This post came exactly at the right time!For some reason,you always write about things that bother me exactly at the specific given time, Sheryl.It is so terrifying,though,that as soon as I have finished reading it and absorbing it,I still come back to some of my unpleasant thoughts.I can’t help thinking why I can feel the love for him, unconsciously do all the things I do for him, yet,I don’t feel the admiration,the excitement and the passion which are such an important part of my life.I believe I have made the right choice,I can see our yet not established wedding day,my graduation and all those important life events but I’m out of touch with reality now.Since he is my reality all the time(at least,he was until this anxiety kicked in),I’m frozen and lacking any motivation or ability to get excited.:(
Milla Atkins -March 20, 2012 - 10:03 am
Here is an authenticity challenge: I would ask that you and all of the women who follow this blog never again publish an airbrushed photo of themselves. Not in a video or photo on facebook or any other social media. This is how we will not only talk the talk, but also walk the walk.
Lauren -March 20, 2012 - 1:16 pm
I agree with Adelina completely on this one – this post came at the best time. My fiance and I just got into a discussion over this exact problem last night (God love him for listening to me and my anxiety over this stuff). It is a really scary feeling to not be attracted to your fiance or to not ever ‘be in the mood.’ I have been trying to work on it, but I’ve placed so much anxiety on the physical intimacy that now the thought of it makes me not want to do it! What’s crazy is that towards the beginning of our relationship, this was never an issue. Any more help on this topic is most appreciated. Thank you again Sheryl.
Harriet -March 20, 2012 - 3:24 pm
Thanks for this – it’s not directly relevant to me at the moment but I still got so much from it and I hope the wisdom stays with me.
Adelina -March 20, 2012 - 4:55 pm
I am so with you on this one,Lauren!The happy bit of it is that we are both lucky enough to have our men listen to us in a supportive way rather than jumping to hasty conclusions.It is indeed scary,especially when I am at work or at home while he is away and I get enthusiastic and feel an energy pouring into me,almost feeding my attraction to him…or when I look at photos and get the warm ajd fuzzy feeling…and then,the horrid moment:he comes home and I go blank!It’s terrifying.When you say you can’t be intimate,do you mean sexually or just spending time together?To me,both spike anxiety.How would you detail your experience?
Adelina
Hey Sheryl! Brilliant post and definitely needed in our collective dialogue about romantic partnership. Your clients show so much growth and insight. And I loved this suggestion you made:
Remind yourself that when you’re over-focusing on the attraction issue, you’re probably avoiding something else – especially if you know that you’re attracted to his essence. Say to yourself, “I’m in a projection” and then ask,”What feeling am I avoiding by focusing on this right now?”
Beth -March 22, 2012 - 3:02 pm
I too experience this… Like Adelina Sometimes spending time with my Fiance I find myself “not in the mood” but then as soon as we are apart or I look at a favorite picture of him, I get those same warm and fuzzy feelings.. Or crave him…
But when we are together, he can just do anything, which under normal circumstances is just just day to day tasks- And I will be annoyed, or turned off. Whats that all about?
He is the most caring, non hurtful, non game playing partner I have ever had and yet sometimes I crave for him to be less sensitive, more feisty and almost more of a “jerk”… I know that sounds crazy.. But he is so accommodating sometimes that I almost wish for more “jerkness” to drive some passion…
Then again perhaps that feeds into the notion of what really is lust? Longing for something that isnt really there, the hunt of the chase?
Like previous emotionally un-available boyfriends? Sure I craved and lusted for them, but I also had to chase them… Was that passion actually mistaken for the highs and lows of always wondering if he will be there for me? Faithful to me etc?
I think I read on one of these anxiety posts previously about craving ex-boyfriends… About reminding ourselves that there was a REASON that those past relationships didnt work out.. Those relationships which now seemed so passionate in comparison to our current relationships with our Fiances… They didnt work out for a reason, those guys were emotionally unavailable- They didnt WANT to marry you in the end…They kept you guessing, But you mistook that as real passion, with living on the edge of your seat not knowing what their next move was going to be..
I have learned that is not passion. I REMEMBER NOW, that that was the REAL anxiety.
My anxiety now, stems from the unfamiliar sensation of letting my guard down. Knowing that I CAN let my guard down. This person chose me. Wants to be with me. Loves me for me. I often mistake that for boredom, settling, lack of passion.
As for passion- Hummm we are working on that. I try and remind myself of that when I start to notice my flawys.. My own bumps and lumps- lack there off… Or even more so, obsess on any of his “shortcomings”. Him not being my Physical Ideal. I try and remember that if even the “homeliest” couples people can have great sex, then its must not be all about what you look like, its how you connect.
ANYONE is capable of making the other person FEEL good. Even better is having a partner that understands that and will work with you to become great together in that department. If he is open to incorporating certain OTHER things to get you there. Unselfishly working together through trial and error to help you figure out how to get there, together.. Or one at a time..
KK -March 22, 2012 - 3:59 pm
Great article! It’s so hard to live in a culture that makes such a big deal about being “attracted” to your partner’s looks. I have struggled with this issue for mostly the whole relationship. I’ve had family members and friends ask, “How can you be with such a skinny guy?” In the beginning I used to answer, “It’s not his fault and he has a very wonderful personality and looks aren’t everything.” It’s like people think I’m crazy for saying it or something. After listening to it for so long I begin to think with their mentality and I don’t want to! It causes a lot of unwanted pressure and anxiety when you have to be surrounded by people who think that if you aren’t crazy about your partner’s looks that you shouldn’t be with them at all. He knows that he is a skinnier guy and it tears him apart when people even rip him up about being skinny, and the deepest part of me realizes that outer images don’t matter. It’s almost like sometimes I wish I were blind so I could stop judging based on appearance! I’ve always said it’s what’s on the inside that counts the most. I don’t wanna ruin a good relationship just because of physical appearance! I’m so glad to hear others are experiencing this as well. The only other people I hear that experience this are the ones that leave the relationship. I think leaving just because of looks is a selfish act. Anyone agree?
Adelina -March 23, 2012 - 12:13 pm
*Beth: You pointed out exactly what I thought about this afternoon: maybe if he was a bit ‘jerky’ I would get a bit more excitement into me…maybe!It’s an interesting phenomenon inside me:whenever he was a bit grouchy(he was never jerky to tell you the truth) I would be upset and he would come round and apologise warmly.Because 2 of my previous boyfriends were just not serious material(despite of the long relationships I had with them), I don’t really know what it was like to wait for the call,long for the attention or shake with excitement in that lusty way.With my now-fiance I have had another type of lust,the lust of waiting for him to come home,getting all warm and fuzzy when seeing him on his lunch break,or anxiously waiting for the week-end.Since this depression set in,I can’t find those feelings,I am almost absent most of the time.The morning finds me in bed thinking:why did I just not think about him now?Other times, I get excited about seeing him and a thought instantly jumps in my head reminding me that I am ‘supposed’ to be anxious and should carry on with my lifeless ways.Recently I have experienced 2-3 days when I was quite normal in terms of my life,but still scrutinised myself for not longing for him enough.
Like you said,when you have your guard down,and you consciously let it down,it becomes a self-inflicted pain.I am sure we’ve both had our boring times in the relationship,and I’m sure that neither of us have always thought about our fiances with excitement all the time, just that now with the engagement the whole concept has increased in stake.In fact,nothing has changed,but our controlled fearful minds start working on anything that can possibly be wrong.Do you have the feeling you are not yourself?I certainly feel de-personalised with all this going on and I can genuinely feel what it was like when I was ‘normal’(fuzzy when I look at a photo,or remember a holiday),and think:why can’t I be like that now?
Adelina -March 23, 2012 - 12:17 pm
*KK: If you love the fact that he is skinny,you love it because it’s paired up with a lovely personality,I’m sure.My fiance has been said to be skinny and talk slowly,but that’s what makes him HIM and not somebody who’s fabricated out of an idealised image.
KK -March 23, 2012 - 4:25 pm
Adelina: I like that way you put it! Sometimes it’s very hard for me to accept that he doesn’t have to be the perfect image that everyone expects. That’s what causes me the anxiety. When I really think of it I think how I’m so happy he’s different than all the other guys out there. To me, his image shouldn’t be a big deal.
It also doesn’t help that people are telling me that I need to date around. I’ve been dating my guy since we were in high school and we are now in college. He’s such a great guy and we have a lot in common, but the fact that everyone keeps telling me I need to date around is causing me a lot of extra stress and anxiety. I spoke to one of my supportive friends the other day about it and she put it like this, “Why would you date around when you have something that most women look for almost all of their lives.” She put it very well for me. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to think of losing such a great guy just because of anxiety. He’s definitely the kind of guy that I would want as a husband and father for my children. But yet my anxiety is telling me to leave because society is telling me I’m not normal and should leave the relationship to go “exploring”. It’s like it’s some kind of taboo to date only one guy and commit to him, well that’s what almost everything (besides here) online has told me. You would think I wouldn’t have this anxiety because I know I don’t want to go and date a bunch of random people because I know I would lose something so special to me. It’s tough.
Adelina -March 24, 2012 - 11:49 am
KK:It is very poisoning to hear people advise you exactly the opposite of what your ethos with your current relationship is.The fact is,relationships on tv,radio and in magazines have become so disposable that people now swear by experimenting and making yourself available and independent as much as you can.If it’s only the physical qualities you are worried about,I wouldn’t lend an ear to these things.If it’s the character of your fiance,completely different issue.You haven’t mentioned absolutely anything so far so I think you couldn’t really point out anything of that sort.Your friend is saying exactly what a friend should say in your anxious state,however people are entitled to have their own views on relationships.If someone wants to date endlessly and not commit,it’s a personal choice.If you are comfortable and feel very good in what you’re in,it’s your choice,I think.
I moved in with my current fiance after 3.5 months of dating,and we’re approaching 2 years.Obviously, if I listened to peoples’ advice,I wouldn’t be here now.There’s always a doubt,and I had it too,it did take some convincing in my case as well,but luckily it was all very reasonable and rational.So,I had the same anxiety as you,then.I was unsure and a bit scared,but because of the novelty factor,it was a blander uneasiness.In your case,you have known him for a while and I think you’ve trialled the relationship,so all you hear is contradicting with what you know and have seen.
I actually wish I had your anxiety(somehow swap):I have nothing to complain about,and everything was a dream and heaven until engagement(something we both had planned). Now I’m confused,numb,can’t enjoy anything and always churn on what could possibly go wrong,why I’m not flying to greet him when he’;s through the door and why I feel cold as a block of ice.And to make it worse:he’s just being great. TOUGH,like you said.
KK -March 24, 2012 - 1:18 pm
Adelina: I couldn’t agree more with you. It’s like anxiety makes you a totally different person. I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid and a lot of it stems from fear of rejection or abandonment. I had a lot of insecurity issues my first year of college and it drove him off the edge. We were broken up for about 6 months but we still stayed close friends, it was like we weren’t even broke up. I remember wanting to get back with him and make things better. We got back together and things were great because I worked on my insecurity and we worked on better communication. Everything was going fine until about October of this year and he started to act distant. I began to panic because I thought he was going to break it off with me again. We talked about it and he said that it was just because he was busy(which he was very busy) and was stressed out. My rational part of me knew that everything was okay and it was just my anxiety and insecurity but for some reason I started ruminating and searching for answers online. It sent me in such a tailspin deeper and deeper into a territory that I didn’t want to be in. I started self doubting because of what others say about having doubts in relationships, and this led me on and on into anxiety city. Instead of me panicking about his love for me I began to panic about my love for him. I somehow wound up on here…even though I’m not engaged I feel like it all applies to me. I also think that I’ve always had slight ROCD (relationship ocd). Things are slowly getting better now that I recognize that what I want is to stay in the relationship and that things don’t have to be perfect like everyone always says…sigh.
Adelina -March 25, 2012 - 3:27 am
KK:Yes!It makes you a different person.A person you would never want to have around you or want to be.Last night my anxiety reached a peak after a long time of idleness and just quiet ‘incubation’.Me and my fiance decided to have a quiet night in and watch a movie.I think, halfway through the movie,I just started to feel uneasy out of nowhere and the thoughts came back again,like a ton of bricks falling on me:why do I not feel connected,why do I feel uncomfortable,why am I so sad all of a sudden?It was gut-wrenching,I tell you.Felt like I was honestly going insane and couldn’t even rationalise properly.At some point we just decided to go to sleep because I had a bad headache on top of everything,but I had to work hard to be able to fall asleep.As always,I started going through all the strategies that I’ve learnt here but for the first time,nothing made sense and I got really scared.
I think all this has to do with what you said:ROCD.The beginning of my nightmare was the day I realised that being engaged might bring trouble and boredom(again,due to ‘lovely’ examples from all around me -i.e. divorced/separated couples) and started looking things up.WORST mistake of my life.From there on in,I can just copy and paste your words,exactly the same tailspin.Small issues became mountains and doubting my love for him were first on the menu.It’s also scary how much pressure I seem to put on the physical side of the relationship,attraction and intimacy,so now when it comes to it,I’m terrified of doing anything and also get paranoid that I’m possibly shallow if that’s all I can think of.
It’s good that you found this blog,I think it doesn’t really matter whether you’re engaged or not:if you’re in a relationship that’s in need of a bit of care,this is a gold mine.I have found all the information here so useful and comforting,even though I’m actually starting to realise that it’s not just the relationship posts I should be focusing on,it’s also final year stress(I’m about to graduate)..
Janelle -March 25, 2012 - 6:20 am
Hi girls! You both should seriously consider joining the ecourse. Your conversations are so similar the one we are having : ) Hope to see you there!
KK -March 25, 2012 - 1:20 pm
Adelina: I can agree on everything once again. I feel so judgmental about looks, attraction, and intimacy. I feel like I’m looking at him with huge binoculars looking for bits and pieces of imperfections. I can relate to you about graduating. I’m not graduating but he is and this worries me. I worry that now that he will be in the “real world” I will be stuck in the “college world” and that things won’t work out for us. Everything is shifting and changing and it’s hard to handle. I pray continuously to stop judging the way he does things or the way he looks. I have struggled with this throughout the relationship but the difference is is that I was able to say, “Hey it’s okay because he has a great heart and he’s a great guy.” Now I can’t just say that it’s like I need to check if I’m right or wrong. Once again…ROCD issues.
Janelle: I wish I could join the ecourse, but I’m a very broke college student…
Adelina -March 25, 2012 - 4:09 pm
KK:Binoculars is the exact word.I think if you can remember saying ‘he’s a great guy with a great heart’,that sentence still lives inside you.I’m convinced,fir instance,that things will go back to normal,but I try and give my thoughts a good critical assessment,to let them go through the sieve.It is sooo hard!It’s like having this great,lovable,adorable man and as soon as you approach him,you hit a stone wall.Changes in our lives make this stone wall even harder to demolish.I’m graduating just like your boyfriend,my fiance is already in the real world,but not managed to go to college yet and everything is out in the unknown,so I know exactly what you mean.Do you ever have your moments of clarity,when you don’t feel under the strain of anxiety?If yes,is it when he’s around or away?
Janelle:I wish I could afford the e-course…I’m a skint student.:(
KK -March 25, 2012 - 7:16 pm
Adelina: It’s so weird but most of my moments of clarity come when I’m not with him. I’ll just be walking down the street or something and it will happen for a split second and go back to intrusive thoughts again. When I do get clarity then I wish he was around because I want to share love with him but then when I’m with him I go on judging him again. I just want things to turn around. I want to become a better person. I know all of these problems aren’t about him, it’s all me. There’s something inside of me telling me that if I can be a better person I can view the relationship in a new way…I just don’t know how to get there.
Adelina -March 26, 2012 - 12:06 am
KK:Totally agree.It’s very annoying and exhausting not to be able to NOT think when he’s around and just get on with the daily stuff.It would be good to just forget it all and get back to how things were.In the meantime,he’s just being great,supportive and loving.More than that,my fiance doesn’t really see it because I’m trying my best to be normal.It’s scary!!
KK -March 26, 2012 - 2:33 pm
Adelina: Yes! He’s so kind and loving and like you said he doesn’t really see it because I’m trying my best to not show on the outside what it going on in the inside! I really hate it. But I guess the advantage of all of this is that I’m learning that a lot of my ideas of love and relationships has been warped for far too long. I’m so determined to learn how to love him the right way. I have to keep reminding myself that thoughts are just thoughts. I choose to be with him even if I don’t feel 100% sure because I WANT to be with him…
Adelina -March 26, 2012 - 3:46 pm
KK:Spot on!I just had a conversation with my fiance now and we got around the subject of discussing my dad whom I never had a close relationship with.Although my parents are not separated and my dad’s brought his bad habits into the family when I was a kid(too much partying,drinking,arguing),I learnt to swallow and get over it.I was always living with the thought that my dad was not good enough. because I would hear it in the arguments between him and my mum,and now
we don’t speak much apart from the basic ‘how’s the course’,'how’s the work’ and other casual things.I feel uneasy around him and if we were left in a room together,we probably would struggle to find a conversation topic.I know little about my parents’ relationship with each other and never seen them really cuddle while I was living at home.I was telling my other half about this and he said he could see that my fear was that I would bring this ‘emotinal baggage’ with me,fearing that our relationship would turn out the same.He hit the nail on the head there.It’s shocking what floats to the surface when you start digging into depressionand I think there are lessons to be learnt.Like you say,if youWANT the relationship,you stay in it and fight as long as you can….this reminds me of that post earlier on Sheryl’s blog:Dr. Pat Love saying ‘Feel the feeling but stay in the relationship’.We make our own reality and by going back to repairable past realities,we can move on with the present.It’s weird how clearly I seem to master the issue now,though,because when I’m with my fiance or just pondering,a tailspin starts and most of the time it feels like I’m watching a movie and I don’t even feel anything or value interaction.
KK -March 27, 2012 - 1:11 pm
Yeah I couldn’t agree more once again. I know the problem lies within me and it has nothing to do with my boyfriend. It frustrates me that when I’m with him all kinds of negative thoughts race through my head and I don’t want them anymore. When I’m not with him I have so much hope and so much determination to love him, but then I get the negative thoughts too. I just want it all to go away. I love him and I want to love him. I don’t want to judge him any longer. If I could control my ROCD things would a lot easier.
StephanieG -March 27, 2012 - 1:57 pm
I agree with Janelle. You guys should join the e-course!
KK -March 27, 2012 - 2:23 pm
I wish I could. I can barely afford to live right now haha
Lauren -April 3, 2012 - 1:47 pm
I share the similar sentiment of warm fuzzy feelings when my fiance and I are snuggling or when he’s away, but when it’s time to really get intimate, I turn cold (as Adelina so rightly describes it). I haven’t figured out why that is, but it gives me serious anxiety to think I could not be sexually attracted to my partner for the rest of my life. For me, that’s probably the root of all my anxiety, or at least what I hang my hat on. I love being with him otherwise and spending time together (outside of the bed). Any suggestions?
Lauren: You said that at the beginning of the relationship this wasn’t an issue, which means you have everything it takes to have an alive and passionate sexual relationship. There are two prongs to dealing with it: One – move toward him even when you don’t want to. As you said, the more you think about it, the more paralyzed you become. If you move beyond the thoughts and into action, you might be able to break through into your truth again. Two – Try journaling about why you might be shutting down sexually. Are you shut down in other areas of your aliveness? Do you feel sexual in your own self? The sexual energy we bring to a relationship is a reflection of our own levels of aliveness in our bodies. If you’re shut down or bored in your life as an individual, that’s how you’re going to feel in your relationship with your partner.
Lauren -April 4, 2012 - 8:16 am
Thanks Sheryl! I think the second prong is a great point. Recently, we’ve started working out again and I’ve felt more alive and more sexual in general because I feel good about myself. It’s not the rut of coming home from work, cooking dinner, and watching TV (which is nice sometimes, but absolutely boring). I am going to start journaling about it and get more proactive about keeping my life active and fun too. This blog and your material is so helpful!
SB -April 4, 2012 - 7:24 pm
KK and Adelina: Thank you both for having the courage to lay your feelings on the table (or on the blog in this case). I have been where you are and although I still struggle with fears, I for sure hit rock bottom about 1.5 years ago (yeah… its a looong process).
One thing that is the scariest thing to suggest BUT could really help: talk to your men. Even if you just start small, it will help you. Not only will you feel more connected, but you will be surprised at how they react. Its super scary, I get that. But I will tell you, my turning point was when I started being more open with my fiance.
Secondly, it sounds like a lot of your thoughts stem (at least in part) from an idea that you should ALWAYS be attracted to your partner. My fiance and I have been together for five years. I am not always wanting to jump on him. believe me. This idea that you should always be feeling fuzzy about your partner is part of that fantasy gift our culture gives us (i.e. you will find “the one”, always be happy, and live in a romantic comedy for the rest of your lives). Its just not the truth. If you cut yourself and your relationship some slack, you may be able to see more of the truth (whats important).
Adelina -April 6, 2012 - 2:49 pm
Abedul,Lauren and SB:thank you for sharing on this post,again!These words bring me back into a corner of reality and make me remind myself that there is still work to do and I am not completely lost. I recently started seeing a therapist and it started easing off my terrible anxiety that had been churning inside me for weeks. I told him about Sheryl’s work,and the calming effect it has on me and he applauded everything about it (not that it needed reassurance but it did give me a good kick).Now, this attraction issue I have been dealing with has taken a very different shape or since last time I posted on here about 2 weeks ago.From the painful and almost desperate effort to try and get my feelings shown to my fiance to a level where I would re-read the text messages I’ve been sending him and notice how cheesy they actually are… my entire behaviour has shifted into an almost serene isolation where I just want to sit and knit all day and have him around for conversation and relaxation.We’re currently visiting my parents abroad so this is holiday for us.Last time we came here(3 months ago) I felt terribly happy and excited around him.That was before the engagement.Now,I’m just ‘blah’,or get snappy and irritated at what he says,although I thought my projection phase was going away.Now it’s not physical,or anything specific,I’m just plain indifferent and when this thought comes to.me I get scared that this is it,this will be it forever.He can also sense something,which scares me the most,and he says I’m not as ‘alive’ as usual.I can’t help fearing that all commitments turn out like this,that I will never feel the excitement and sensuality again,that his always funny nature will just annoy me forever and I’m doomed.On the other hand,when we talk about future plans for the next holiday,I feel relaxed and joyous.I only start getting anxious about the future of the relationship and my lack of libido when I wake up or before falling asleep.I feel like I’m in a never-ending vortex.
Adelina -April 6, 2012 - 2:51 pm
Sorry,that Abedul was meant to be Sheryl. Autocorrect!!!
SB -April 7, 2012 - 3:14 pm
From an outsiders point of view, it sounds like your are in a “protection” sort of mode. What feelings are below this indifference? That is where you need to go to work through it (I know, it is VERY scary). It seems like you are protecting yourself from feeling something (whether that be fear, joy, doubt, or all of the above). Real love (not what our society tells us is love) is scary and sometimes we hide behind indifference, anger, or judgement to keep ourselves from really going there. Only you can take yourself there and only you can work through it. You have to look these thoughts in the eye (so to speak) and face them. Journaling helps.
Also, try to get off the “forever” train. You can only deal with what is in front of you. I know the idea of forever is scary (I struggled with this and the fear of “will we like each other in 20 years?” right after we got engaged), But this is what gave me hope: Both my fiance and I are good, honorable people who love and respect (Notice I didn’t say, “are HOT for” or Lust after) each other. That is all I can promise and all I can work towards and hope for. You can’t deal with 20 years because you aren’t there yet. These thoughts are just another protection that you are setting up. Find out what the true feelings behind it is.
Kate -April 8, 2012 - 2:55 am
I came across this site a couple of months ago when I was frantically looking on the Internet searching, “how do you know when you are in love?” and “am I attracted to him?”. This site has made me feel so much better!! But I was just wondering if anyone ever feels “I’m still young, does this mean that what im feeling actually doesn’t apply to what’s om this website, does it mean I’m not anxious?” I also say to myself ” I’m not engaged, so does this means what’s on this website doesn’t apply to me? What is wrong with me then?” I am in college and I have been with my loving, generous boyfriend for 15 months now I know deep down how much I love him I just feel so anxious a lot of the time and I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to feel this way! I am so lucky to have him! I feel like he is the right guy for me and it scares me so much!!
Scottish Bride -April 8, 2012 - 5:17 am
Adelina – what you are describing is EXACTLY what happened to me this time last year. I was head over heels with my boyfriend, waiting excitedly for him to propose after 2 years of dating (one living together) and when he did I felt like I was outside my own body. For days after I felt this nameless pressure building up inside me. I felt disconnected, panicky, confused, disorientated, soooo sad, frustrated… until it all came to a head with the first panic attack of my life. I am now happily married but it’s been the hardest/most amazing and profound year of my life! I cannot recommend the e-course enough. I’m still on it every day and the support that we all give each other is priceless. I know it’s a lot of money and I’m not trying to pressurise you to spend money you dont have but i think there is an instalment payment option. All I would say is that my real work only began when I joined the course in October last year. If things dont get any easier for you, please take comfort in knowing that there is a whole community that are available to help you through this. If you really can’t afford it right now then please know that you are NOT alone, that these feelings do NOT mean you’re with the wrong person and that it is possible to get through this and reconnect with your partner.
Adelina -April 8, 2012 - 2:28 pm
Ladies,it is so comforting to come on here every day,have a refresh on my judgement and learn a lesson all over again.
SB: When you say that it looks like I’m in a protection mode,you’re absolutely right; in fact,my therapist reached this conclusion on the very first session. During that session I found it very easy to break through what the anxiety was telling me in coded language, because it was coming from my childhood(disconnected from my dad, grew up with grandmother and having confusing feelings about my real ‘carer’, the lack of visible love between my parents, the way my unwillingness to sleep on my own was treated and generally just a tense atmosphere in the house because of so many arguments). When I raffled through all these memories,I realised how many of these shape my fear of becoming the product of a miserable, boring and disappointing marriage. Now, up to the point where I managed to redirect my attention to these things, I think I had been in a panic state of wanting it to go away, of looking for reassurance and constantly worrying about what I might find if I start digging things up. Following the advice on here, I decided to genuinely try and be compassionate towards myself and just let the feelings run through me, until I cross over to the happily married life. It is indeed, so scary to just learn without trying to judge too much or mistake the wounded self for the core self. It got even scarier when I came home to visit my parents with my fiance for a week and my mood has turned into the numbness I thought I had already experienced. While before I was worried that in time I might be annoyed with him, irritated with his jokes and shut down completely in terms of sex, now it feels like the prophecy’s come true. I don’t want sex, I’m not affectionate or very warm – hours can go by without me feeling the desire to touch him or just act as I used to. We’ve lived together for 2 years and what we had was very soon after we moved together not just ‘lust’ but admiration.,desire and genuine longing to spend time with each other. At the moment, all I can think of is how unattainable these are on long-term basis,despite my 2-year long belief that these were realistic, and it shuts me down,makes me uninterested and bored out of my own life…
Scottish Bride, what you. just said here made me so happy,and lit my face up!My nightmare started with a panick attack that broke out of nowhere one morning about 2 months ago,and since then I’ve been feeling like sitting a very long exam or twisting in my sleep not being able to wake up.Generally, my energy has come back so I.can do my work and day to day tasks(I’m sure that’s thanks to the antidepressant my GP prescribed after I told her I’d not eaten for 6 days) but I see my relationship as lacking attraction on my behalf. He is the same loving person and it kills me that I’m spiritually absent from our togetherness. It feels good to know that I’m not alone,although I wish nobody had to go through this at such an intensity.I can’t wait to get some money in to get on the e-course,I’m just paralysed by my own lack of presence and normal passion. I’m not very gifted with patience so I can’t stop wondering whether I do something wrong that might slow the recovery down. I just want to get my life back as it was, and be able to say that I’ve had an eventful and purposeful year like you!
KK -April 9, 2012 - 4:58 pm
Kate: I had the same thoughts as you and am also in college. I too think, “I’m not engaged so this must mean it doesn’t apply to me right?” All I know is anxiety is anxiety. I don’t think it matters whether we’re young or old or in a relationship, engaged or married. I don’t think it matters what stage you are in anxiety can still attack you like it seems to attack the engaged or married people on this site. It all comes down to the relationship anxiety regardless. That’s just my thoughts though.
learningtobeconscious -April 9, 2012 - 5:08 pm
Kate and KK – if I had only found this site when I was in college, I’d have been so much happier! My issues with relationship anxiety began in college (well, probably in high school but it didn’t matter as much then ) and it took me YEARS to realize it wasn’t the guys, it was me. There is just no way I could have the exact same anxiety about the exact same things with completely different people – in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP. I’m now nearly 27 and in a serious relationship (I’m not married or engaged, either!) and it’s the first time I’m truly dealing with this anxiety and fear surrounding marriage/commitment/etc. I think it’s great that you guys found this site & started working through these things at a younger age!
I just want to let you know that I’ve recently added a new payment option for the e-course that allows you to pay in four installments. Hopefully this will make it more feasible for those of you in college!
Kate -April 10, 2012 - 2:49 am
Thanks for replying KK and learningtobeconcious, It’s great to have some support after hearing from friends and te media that its not normal! I look at all the articles here on concious transitions and I feel ‘this sounds just like me’ but I have never known if this was anxiety or not! I’m sick of feeling this way everyday! Some dad I have great days others not so much!! So ladies a question how do I know if want I’m feeling is I’m fact what this website is all about, and is in fact fear or if it’s just because I am unsure! Before my current relationship I was in a verbally abusive relationship and as a child I had separation anxiety! I had a great childhood otherwise.. Which makes me wonder! My boyfriend is so caring, generous, love able and I can’t believe there is someone like him In this world who could love me this much!
Victoria -April 10, 2012 - 2:54 am
Hi there,
I just read this whole article and the comments without realising that this is a forum for engaged people or newlyweds… I’m not engaged but have been with my boyfriend about a year and a half and have some troubles with physical attraction and lack of passionate sex in my relationship, (as well as going through periods of disliking him when I’ve got PMT to the point where I doubt it will work out), even though he’s the most caring, supportive and loyal guy I’ve ever been with.
Do you guys think this e-course would be suitable for me?
SB -April 10, 2012 - 11:05 pm
Kate: I am so sorry you are struggling with this question right now.
Let me tell you, I have considered that question no less than 100 times. It is a scary one to think about. Here’s the thing through: Usually you know if it is wrong. Please don’t let that spike your anxiety because it’s actually a good thing. As Sheryl says, fewer than 5% of her clients are in this position. The question that helped me is “Are there any red flag issues? (i.e. abuse, addiction, control, constant disrespect) If not, you probably have a good partner who as you yourself say is “so caring, generous, love able”.
This has NOTHING to do with your partner and everything to do with inner work that you need to face. You would be feeling this way with any partner once you got into the “scary zone” and that comes at different stages for everyone (dating, pre-engaged, engaged, post wedding).
Again, this is not about your partner. If it was, there would be major red flag issues. Your mind is playing fear trick on you to keep you from doing the true work of facing the feelings deep down. I know, because my mean mind does the same things to me. I know it is scary but you need to try to push past the fear tricks and try to understand what feelings are below them.
SB -April 10, 2012 - 11:12 pm
I wanted to tell you that just reading the post I just wrote when i said “Usually you know when its wrong” caused my anxiety to go up too!! You are not alone in this, ladies. Phrases like “I just knew he was the one” and so on, have caused us think that something is wrong with your relationship when in actually, its just that there is inner work that needs to be done. The mind plays horrible tricks if you allow it to. The great thing is that you have the power to push past these knee-jerk responses to fear and uncover the true feelings for me: Fear of my fiance dying or leaving me. See it is a lot easier to just tell yourself that everything should be perfect and when it is not, something must be wrong. It is easier to do that then to go deep down into the caverns of your mind and uncover the fears that you, Kate seem to have had for a long time (I say that because you mentioned separation anxiety, something i have also always struggled with).
You are not alone, and this has nothing to do with the caring, generous, and love-able man you are with.
KK -April 11, 2012 - 12:16 am
SB: You hit the nail on the head for most of us in saying what you did. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not the weirdo in society that is freaking out about my relationship. It’s so sad that everywhere I try to look (especially online) for answers to my questions such as, “How do I know I love him?” “What if he’s not always physically attractive to me?” all of these questions being answered on the web all say to leave. That’s what spikes my anxiety. Almost every blog/article I’ve read has said, “Do your partner a favor and leave so that someone can love them both emotionally and physically.”(Sorry if that spiked anyone else’s anxiety because it always spikes mine!) All of these types of comments put doubt in my head. What ever happened to a culture that married for love regardless of looks or chemistry or whatever? Isn’t companionship enough anymore? Our culture is sick and has caused me a lot of unwanted anxiety. What’s so bad about choosing a partner that is a great man all around but doesn’t have the perfect body or perfect looks?
Kate -April 11, 2012 - 2:40 am
KK thanks so much for helping me!! I feel so horrible even writing the words saying ‘maybe I’m unsure’! I’m so terrified! I just want to be happy with my boyfriend without all these complications! Is it really normal to feel confused about having such an amazing man! My parents love him to bits and so do my friends! My mom is quite supportive telling me how happy he makes me and telling me that she knows I love him and everything! But I feel like I should know this all for myself! I know deep down how I feel I think, in the beginning of our relationship, the first 5 months, it’s was such a whirlwind! I kept thinking this is the man I am marrying and being with forever! I have never felt that happy in my life.. But then i started constantly worrying…nothing has changed with him, he is exactly the same now to how he was in the beginning! Now I just cry all the time when I’m with him, not sad tears, but tears of what seem to be fear of not wanting what we have to end by me maybe screwing it up! My boyfriend tells me I won’t screw it up because he knows how much I love him…. Do does this mean that I apply to what you ladies feel on this site… Do I have relationship anxiety? It truly is me and not my amazing boyfriend??
Kate -April 11, 2012 - 2:49 am
Sorry thank you SB!!!
KK -April 11, 2012 - 10:19 am
Kate: It sounds like relationship anxiety to me. I feel for you as I struggle with it every day. I’ve struggled with it off and on for 5 years with my boyfriend. It’s like little voices inside my head nitpick and judge every wrong thing he does yet I fail to focus on the many many positives that outweigh the negatives. In fact all of the negatives are hardly anything compared to what others have to deal with in their relationships. I fail to remember that he could nitpick and judge me just as much as I do him and I would feel terrible. I keep thinking well maybe I should leave and get out so I can feel better but I know the minute I would do that I would feel 10 times worse. And besides that something inside me knows that I want to learn how to love the right way with him. I don’t want to lose a good relationship because of my anxiety. I’m working on looking at my relationship in a more positive way.
Kate -April 11, 2012 - 7:27 pm
Thank you so much KK! I feel so much better already!! The way you feel is exactly how i do! It feels so good to know im not alone! The thoughts have been unbearable the last couple of days.. Somehow I fixate myself to one particular thought and I can’t let it go! Thank you so much for your support! How are you going with getting over your anxiety! How are you doing it?
Victoria: I have no doubt that the ecourse would benefit you enormously. It’s the best course of action anyone struggling with relationship anxiety can take, whether partnered, engaged, or married, and more and more people are joining the course who aren’t engaged or married. You’ll fit right in!
KK -April 12, 2012 - 1:15 pm
Kate: The only truly helpful thing that I can think of that has helped my anxiety was to only stay on this website. Whatever you do don’t go googling about your relationship because you will find very negative answers! Read all of Sheryl’s articles on here they help! And also do what Sheryl suggests don’t just read them actually apply them.
Adelina -April 12, 2012 - 11:29 pm
Ladies, definitely do NOT go googling about relationship problems!One thing that definitely ‘helped’ me dig myself into a hole of panick, depression and anxiety was starting to look for answers on different websites.It is so scary how easily we identify ourselves in stories we hear or read.I think it’s safe to say that you never know what goes on in one’s life and 2 situations are never the same. Sheryl points it out so well when she writes about negative projectionvs. positive projection!Finding this blog was the best thing I could ever have done and I can’t wait to join the e-course when I can afford it.I’m so bored of feeling outside of my own body,tired of thinking that my relationship is under the microscope and fed up with nit-picking my fiancé!I just want it all to be back to when I was comfortable and full of positive energy.
tropikalgirl -April 13, 2012 - 3:05 am
Adelina – reading your posts reminds me of how I am. I am now married to a wonderful man with 2 beautiful children. The only thing is my anxiety has returned and am now seeking some help to cope and understand. Talking with my husband has also helped but he needs to be someone who is stable and strong. I have also seek help from the website and as soon as I come across anything negative, I try and find 5 more positives to read about. It is so easy to spiral downwards if you let yourself. Our minds are a powerful thing and it can mold any thoughts to what you want it to be. I stay at home with the kids 3 days a week and it is because I have more time now that I started to analyze which then leads to my anxiety again. Just remember the person you have beside you who you can count on everyday of your life.
Adelina -April 13, 2012 - 10:13 am
Tropikalgirl: I know how hard it is and every time I see somebody saying that their anxiety has returned, I just get more depressed and anxious thinking that this is something I will never get rid of. Today I’m not too well and my focus has shifted back on my partner to an extent where I start imagining what it’d be like if I just left…almost indulging in fabricating scenarios of me ‘not missing him’ and it becomes so believable that I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. I am absolutely helpless when controlling my mind…
tropikalgirl -April 13, 2012 - 12:52 pm
Adelina – I know what you’re going through today and I feel sad for you. I’ve gone through that myself but know that if you left, you would find someone else and be happy for a while and your anxiety WILL come back with that person too. Not sure about yourself, but I have done this with every person I have dated until my husband. With him, it just started 9 years later. I’ve always been an anxious person so I know it is not him. Try and steer your mind back today and love who you’re with. Take care of yourself…
KK -April 25, 2012 - 10:02 am
I think everyone should take a look at this article by Dr. Glenn Berger! It coincides with fear and not opening up to loving! It addresses the “attraction” and “chemistry” issue and it really opened my eyes! Check it out, it is what everyone needs to hear!
im so glad to have found this website.. im going through really bad relationship anxiety for a year now. im in such a wonderful relationship with a man who is so loving, caring and just perfect in every way… and he is a very good looking well built guy who all my friends think is really good looking. however, a year ago, after he said the words ‘i love you’ for the first time i had the biggest panic attack ive ever had. all i wanted to do was run away from him. this was such a shock to me as all i wanted was to hear those words from him. but once i felt like he loved me and got close to me i freaked out. for a year now i have been dealing with these feelings of ‘do i really love him’ on and off and im going through a really bad bout of it right now. my parents love him and my mum keeps telling me that i love him but why cant i feel it for myself? ive gone to a therapist and she said its because of my abandonment issues and i block my emotions so i dont get hurt but i even question that and think maybe i just dont love him n e more and i am just trying to fool myself so i dont have to go through another break up. i guess i just need reassurance as hes such a wonderful man and id be a fool to lose him because of my anxiety. im really at a loss with this
Erin -May 4, 2012 - 12:54 pm
I’m not sure how I missed this post, but this seriously hits home right now. I was horribly anxious while I was engaged, but through reading this blog and The Conscious Bride I was able to get married and feel good about it. However, after nearly nine months of marriage, the anxiety has returned to this very topic. I find myself extremely anxious when faced with any physical intimacy and it has started to make me question if I’m physically and sexually attracted to my husband. This was never a problem early on in our relationship, which just makes this harder. I have tried to just power through the anxiety and do it despite how I’m feeling and it works… sometimes. When it doesn’t work and I can’t just relax, I panic even though my husband is understanding and supportive. Even talking about this makes me anxious. I’m not sure what to do or how to combat it.
Erin -May 4, 2012 - 12:59 pm
I’m going through this projection right now. Despite being married nine months with little to no anxiety, it’s back again with a vengeance. I was terribly anxious during my engagement, but with the help of The Conscious Bride and this blog I was able to get married and feel good again about my relationship with my husband. Any time I am about to be physically intimate with my husband, I sort of freeze up with panic. I usually try to power through it and do it anyway, but in the times that I’m not able to relax and enjoy it, I spiral into a huge panic. I start to fear that I’m not attracted to my husband physically or sexually. This was never a problem before we got engaged, but it is now. It just terrifies me and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
Anna C -May 5, 2012 - 3:27 pm
Thank you so much for this post Sheryl. I had to go through so much terrible advice online before I came to this but I am glad I persevered.
One of the most challenging roadblocks on the healing journey is working with resistance. Many of my clients feel split between two opposing forces: one part of them longs for healing and the accompanying sense of joy and fulfillment and the other part offers compelling reasons at every turn why healing and joy aren’t possible.
Many people who struggle with resistance learn that they carry an arsenal of false beliefs stacked up like a brick barricade that prevents them from moving forward in their healing process. In these cases, it’s essential to examine the false belief contained in each brick and slowly, repetitively, replace it with the truth. For example, many people resist taking full responsibility for their well-being because they carry a belief that someone else should rescue them or could do it better than they could. Once the false belief is brought to consciousness, the work is then being willing to recognize its falsity (no one can or will rescue you from your own mind), and continually bring the light of truth to the belief until, over time, the brick is dissolved.
Some of my most powerful insights occur during yoga class, and today, as I forced myself onto the mat feeling sluggish and resistant, I heard my teacher say (as he often does), “Notice what you’re feeling right now. Just notice it. Are you tired, hungover, sad, numb? Wherever you are, see if you can meet it with compassion. Accept yourself completely as you are in this moment.” As I noticed my tiredness and how often I wanted to retreat into the comfort of child’s pose, I thought about my post a couple of weeks ago about meeting Asher’s frustration, anger, and sadness. Since writing that post, I’ve honed my skill of being able to drop down to his level (I literally bend down so that I meet him eye-to-eye) and say to him, “I see that you’re feeling very frustrated right now.” As soon as I meet him wherever he’s at, I can feel something break open inside of him. The shift is palpable, and within moments he moves through the feeling and says, “I’m happy now!”
So today in yoga, instead of indulging the tired part of me, I decided to meet it with compassion but continue in my practice. Every time I felt the urge to lie down, I would say to myself, “There’s the tired part of me.” And the same when I was in a more challenging pose and my Inner Child was pleading, “Please stop! This is too hard!” Knowing that it wasn’t too hard and that I would benefit from staying in the pose, I met her with, “I hear you. I know you want me to stop. Yes, it is really hard.” And then the release and the flood of prana, as we say in yoga, when the energy floods through the body, creating a feeling of fullness and aliveness. I wasn’t staying in the pose because I was listening to the “shoulds” of an inner taskmaster but because I was responding with love and presence to the places in me that wanted to take the easy way out.
These are the subtle and daily ways that we learn to meet ourselves. The yoga example is benign compared to the barrage of the running commentary delivered by many of my clients’ Inner Critic (i.e.: “You’re never enough. You’re going to be miserable forever. Nothing you do is good enough. Your only chance for happiness is to learn to be perfect. You can’t mess up. You can’t make a mistake.” etc). How do you meet this barrage with compassion? It’s not easy, but it’s in recognizing that the Inner Critic – or Fear, Wounded Self, Judgement – is a part of you, but is not the true you. You are not your thoughts and you are not your wounds. You are infinitely more beautiful, pure, and radiant, and this is the part that is waiting for your attention. When you can stand, even for a moment, in the truth of who are you, you can begin to respond to the incessant lies that are keep you stuck behind the brick wall of resistance. And then you will begin to break through and find your way to freedom.
Sheryl, this touched me so deeply.. i loved your reminder of getting down onto our child’s level – literally, meeting him/her eye to eye..I had a dream w/ my Spirit-Son last night and the essence of it was that he was so vulnerable, yet so invincible, indestructible.. no matter how many mistakes I made, he was not destroyed, he was hurt but not crushed.. always wanting to e w/ me, full of peace and dignity, settled and calm, knowing that “It’s All Well”..
This was the second such dream this week and I am so grateful. I asked him to send me a message, a sign, that he’s well, he’s forgiven me and he knows that my true essence always loved and still loves him and that my earth-being is simply still too clumsy to manifest the true love that I have inside my heart. This is so frustrating for us, humans, that we sometimes even give up..
Yet, I love the feeling when I feel my IC, and manage to treat her w/ compassion and understanding. “Yes, it’s hard to be present and feel, being so vulnerable and “weak”, it’s scary and unfamiliar.. yet we need to practice more of this type of “strength”, this is where we are connected to Guidance, Safety, and this is when we are “invincible and indestructible”..
Nikki -March 9, 2012 - 8:59 am
Thank you so much Sheryl. I needed this so much right now. Seems God keeps sending me the same messages over and over again and I feel so grateful for His patience as I try to learn the lesson. I am struggling at work and where we are in life in general. I love yoga and can easily see how I can apply all these ideas. Linda Popov speaks of something very similarly in her book The Pace of Grace and we practice the same thing with children in the RIE approach. How often I forget to do the same thing with myself! At work when I am trying to comfort a screaming baby and I feel like I am going to cry myself, I pray for patience and love however, yesterday I gave myself permission to feel the frustration and anger like you suggest in your Birthing a New Mother Program and it really helped! Thank you so much!
Kim -March 9, 2012 - 11:48 am
Hi Sheryl – love this article on resistance! Are there times when it is important to honour our inner child…when it really is too much, and if so how do we know? Is it a question of guidance? Kim
Kim: There are absolutely times when you need to honor your Inner Child. It’s a matter of learning the difference between true need and something that can pushed a bit. As with an actual child, there’s a fine line between honoring and gently nudging when you know that she or he is capable of more. And that differs from child to child and from situation to situation. For example, many parenting experts will say that a child needs to sleep in his own bed by a certain again, while others will say it’s important to honor to follow the child’s lead. There are no hard and fast rules in parenting (contrary to what the “experts” say, just as there are no hard and fast rules when your Inner Child. And for a highly sensitive child, the honoring will have to be more attuned and there’s not as much wiggle room!
Vanessa -March 9, 2012 - 2:55 pm
Empathy and reflecting back to my toddler her emotions respectfully has been like magic for her. I love seeing her realize that she is heard and validated. And that was all she needed.
It’s been magic here, too. It never worked quite like this for my first child but for the little one it’s usually all he needs. And isn’t it what we all need…?!
Kim -March 10, 2012 - 8:14 am
Thanks so much for this clarification Sheryl
Mary -March 11, 2012 - 5:04 am
Dear Sheryl,
Wow, this piece hit the nail on the head for me. I have never fully accepted who I am in the moment and have always been my biggest critic. I have always tended to look for others to come to my rescue since fear of the known and unknown have and still makes me its prisoner. My inner child deserves better than to be told you are nothing and will forever be nothing. I am a recovering alcoholic and what you wrote here can help me in my recovery. I am over one year sober and at times, I feel the process of recovery is just starting.
At the age of 53, when most are thinking of retirement, I am working at a supermarket as a part-time cashier. Through decades of addiction, I never fully prepared myself for my future. That is when my biggest critic comes into play. Through decades of addiction, my inner child is right here since addiction stunts one’s emotional growth.
I am working with a therapist and after reading this piece, I will have something to talk to her about in my next session. I thank you for writing it, Sheryl.
Sincerely,
Mary!
Adelina -March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am
Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humour – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)
Adelina -March 19, 2012 - 2:59 am
Dear Sheryl and all the anxious brides and grooms (-to be),
I have been reading and reading this blog for over 2 weeks, and I cannot believe there is something that nails it so well anywhere out on the internet.Generally, if one looks up engagement anxiety, a plethora of material comes up on how you should breathe in and out and try meet up with friends – and just quit stressing.How superficial!I say this because obviously,there is so much more to engagement anxiety,and just like Sheryl puts it,it’s the murky underside of other issues we have not yet sorted out.I truly love this blog and so far I have gone as far as reading the posts from May 2010, cover to cover, I think there is so much to learn from all of them.I know it is early days,still,I find my nervousness and gut-wrenching feelings to be almost completely gone at times, and it is 100% due to everything I have read here.The only thing is,while having calmed down and started a journal,I am still trapped in the tendency to look for signs of loving,and even when I wake up next to my fiance, I find it hard to find the enthusiasm about him,the excitement of going out for a meal is very bland,I struggle to find him funny – before the engagement I used to laugh my head off to his crazy humor – and I can hardly connect to myself either.I am starting to notice a general disconcerting feeling with everything I see,hear and do.While I never ‘dream’ about the ex, mainly because he was partially the reason for my anxiety, I do have thoughts of comparing the stage of my relationship with my fiance to where it was with my ex back then:’Did I have the same lack of enthusiasm, did I start to die down in feelings by this time with him…?’.I almost search for signs that would show me any analogy between the 2 relationships.
Has anybody felt like that?Sorry to write so much, it’s just that I can’t help chipping in.
All the best!:)
People often ask us why we homeschool. I used to launch into a long-winded answer about how we never planned to homeschool but by the time Everest was two it became apparent that, because of his high emotional and moral sensitivity and his asynchronous learning style, he would be crushed in any traditional school environment. I used to talk about our attached parenting style and our belief that kids need to be with their parents much longer than our culture encourages. I may have said something about our outdated educational paradigm and the dangerous focus on extrinsic learning through punishments and rewards. I would often find myself over-explaining because the reasons were too complicated to condense into a single sentence. But recently I have found the sentence that distills our reasons into five words, and now I simply say: Because we believe in freedom.
We believe in freedom of mind. We believe that our sons, like all children, have an innate desire to learn. Just as we didn’t teach them how to sit, crawl, stand, walk, and talk, so we don’t believe that have to “teach” them how to read, write, and add. Kids are born as scientists, explorers, builders, and architects. They want to know how the world works. Like the creeks and streams that feed the oceans, the ocean of a child’s mind is fed by the tributaries of her inborn passion. Every child is born with a passion, a calling, a genius, and we believe that it’s their birthright and our obligation to nurture that calling as soon as it manifests so that our kids grow up knowing who they are with a deep-seated sense of purpose about their place on this planet.
Before Everest turned two, his passion for airplanes, rockets, and all things flying became abundantly evident. By the time was three, he could tell you how a turbo-jet engine worked. Now, at seven, he’s designing both household contraptions and inventions to save the planet. Asher, on the cusp of three, is passionate about bugs, dinosaurs, animals, language, music, and theater. (You can watch his first performance here.) Inspired by his big brother, he also loves science and comes alive when Everest teaches him about the microorganisms he can see through his microscope. Both of their minds are brimming with ideas, stories, and an unbridled imagination. Aside from some homeschool workshops and private science mentoring one morning a week, they spend their days free to explore their interests and follow the creeks and rivers of their passions. They spend their days playing with each other and inventing rich games where they’re often flying through outer space on their homemade rocket as Everest explains the concept of a black hole while Asher yells, “Look, there’s Jupiter!” In essence, they spend their days being free.
We believe in freedom of body. We believe that our kids shouldn’t have to ask permission to go to the bathroom, to get a drink of water, or to eat only when the bell says they can eat. We believe that kids (especially boys) need to move a lot and often learn best while they’re moving. We believe they need to be allowed to follow their own rhythm, that there’s a natural inhale and exhale that permeates the hours but is unique to each child, and when a child is forced to comply with a set of rules designed to keep thirty kids in order, they lose connection to their rhythm and their needs. Both of our boys happen to be night owls, and we’ve often said that the one of the main reasons we homeschool is so we don’t have to subject them to the pain of forcing themselves awake at the crack of dawn. They can stay up until 9 or 10pm and sleep until 8am. This is their natural rhythm. We’re still in our pajamas as we watch the school bus lumber down our road to pick up the neighborhood kids.
We believe in freedom of spirit. There’s a spaciousness to our lives that can only exist when our time is our own, and when there’s enough time to lean into the minutes until they extend into hours knowing that we don’t have be anywhere but here. We rarely rush. We move slowly in the mornings and have time to greet each other with prayers and inquire about our dreams. Some of my favorite times are those early morning hours when my boys are wrestling on the bed while I sit with my computer and catch up on emails. We pause to look out the window and observe the effects of last night’s weather: the blankets of freshly fallen snow; the rustle of windswept leaves; the rabbit, who we’ve named Funny Bunny, hopping across the grass in search of a snack. Sometimes, before we get out of bed, we hear the hooting of the owl. We have time to notice these things. It’s a slow life that allows for a fullness of spirit that arrives when we observe the beauty in the world around us. As Eckhart Tolle writes in his beautiful little book, “Guardians of Being: Spiritual Teachings from our Dogs and Cats“,
True happiness is found in simple, seemingly unremarkable things.
But to be aware of little, quiet things,
you need to be quiet inside.
A high degree of alertness is required.
Be still. Look. Listen.
Be present.
Bring awareness to the many subtle sounds of nature -
the rusting of leaves in the wind,
raindrops falling,
the humming of an insect,
the first birdsong at dawn.
Give yourself completely
to the act of listening.
Beyond the sounds
there is something greater:
a sacredness that cannot be
understood through thought.
Look at a tree, a flower, a plant.
Let your awareness rest upon it.
How still it is, how deeply rooted in Being.
Allow nature to teach you stillness.
Along these lines, the spaciousness of the homeschool life allows for time to follow a project to completion. If Everest wants to spend seven hours exploring how electricity works (which he’s been known to do), that’s what he does. Again, there are no bells demanding that he stop, clean up, and set the project aside just when he’s diving into the heart of the matter. How can we truly nurture the creative mind when we’re limited to 45 minute blocks of time? Creativity thrives on the wing of formlessness; she wants to ride out her inspiration to completion and becomes frustrated by the stops and starts that punctuate a typical school day. Some of our most joyous days have been when all four of us are engaged in our own creative project and the unbounded hours invite the creativity to weave itself into one complete tapestry. The time is organic and fluid – two words that often define the homeschool life.
Two of the most common areas of wound I see in my clients are around self-trust (difficulty making decisions and the fear of making a mistake) and lack of fulfillment in their lives, especially around their work. Both of these areas are stamped out early in life by well-meaning parents who are culturally conditioned to believe that they need to control their kids’ eating, sleeping, playing, and learning and an archaic educational model that was originally designed to produce factory workers and thus retains many aspects of that original, cookie-cutter, institutionalized model. The bottom line is that our dominant parenting and education models are rooted in a philosophy of control instead of freedom; instead of instilling emotional self-trust and nurturing creativity and clarity of one’s calling we create self-doubt, confusion, and a sense of emptiness.
Now, I’ve never been one to draw definite conclusions and assume that one model is right for all kids or all families. Most of my friends’ kids are in school and thriving. There are many charter or alternative, play-based schools around the world that honor a child’s natural rhythm and encourage a healthy development of spirit and creativity. But I know what’s right for us. I know what resonates in the deepest recesses of my soul. I know that when I read statements like the following, every cell in my body sings, “Yes!”
”Our compulsory, factory-style, standards-driven education has become perhaps the largest single agent of childhood domestication. As I have already noted, students who are too untamed – and very little is fast becoming too much – are quickly subdued and brought back into the herd by means of bio-psychiatric labels and drugs. An argument could be made that these “misfits” are American society’s canaries in the coal mine, a human warning signal for what is in store for more and more children if we don’t soon pump more oxygen into the cultural air they are forced to breathe. The demands of high-stakes testing have forced schools to eliminate nearly every vestige of physicality, imagination and creativity from the curriculum; more than ever, classrooms are becoming places where kids spend their days like cloned sheep, grazing passively in a pasture of uniform right answers.”
Hi Sheryl. This was beautiful and heartfelt — thank you.
My husband and I don’t have children of our own yet, but we are considering homeschooling/ unschooling them when we do. I’m a little nervous about how I can juggle homeschooling with my career (I’m a therapist and writer, too!), but I’m keepin’ the hope alive! And you are helping me do just that.
Beautifully spoken and from the heart. My name means freedom and I honor you & your family for living yours. Eloquently expressed and a wonderful read. My unschooled son & I have made the similar choices for the same reasons. We unschool because we too, believe in freedom.
Kimberly: If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be juggling homeschooling two kids and working full time I never would have believed them. I’m not sure how it’s possible but it is – and it’s amazing! I just checked out your blog and LOVE what you’re writing about.
Lainie: Thank you for your lovely comment. It’s always wonderful to connect with other unschoolers, even if it’s virtually!
Amy -March 10, 2012 - 4:44 am
My son, 7, was a lover of learning, a self-professed scientist who was reading at a 4th grade level when he entered public kindergarten. Within a year and a half he completely rejected reading, wouldn’t do homework and had striking behavior changes which included defiance and angry outbreaks at home. We’ve been homeschooling for 3 months and my son is back again. It was such an amazing transformation and I cannot express the dramatic nature of this change (for the better). Your article completely resonates with me – thank you for expressing it so beautifully.
My almost three year old is going through the “terrible twos.” I never fully understood that phrase as our older son seemed to skip over it, but now I get it: Asher is testing his boundaries and experimenting with his sense of power and control in the hopes of learning that he’s not the most powerful person in this house. The way it’s manifesting for him is that he’s trying to control everyone here. I’ll give you some examples:
He insists that everyone follow his regimen for getting dressed in the morning. In other words, if I put on my clothes before he does, he screams incessantly at me: “MOMMY, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND PUT YOUR PAJAMAS BACK ON!” This can go on for half an hour. He’s tried the same demand on Everest but it didn’t go very far.
He has a specific order for how we turn on the lights in his room in the morning: first “his” light on his shelf, then my light, then we open the shades and curtains. The same goes for the nighttime ritual.
He demands that I always wear my hair back, and if I refuse, he’ll walk upstairs, find a hair band in my drawer, and bring it to me.
A couple of weeks ago, when my mom was visiting, we all bundled up for a walk in 20 degree weather. We were half way down the street when he looked up at me and noticed that I was wearing a scarf that I don’t normally wear. He stopped and said, “Take off that scarf!” I didn’t. He dug his snow boots into the pavement and screamed, “TAKE OFF YOUR SCARF!” We kept walking to the oh-so soothing sound of him screaming his mantra over and over again. It was not the highlight of our weekend, to say the least.
After the fact, these examples are sort of funny. But in the moment, especially if I don’t have internal space, it’s not funny at all and I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall. But that’s the point: my response to his outbursts or meltdowns is entirely a function of how centered, spacious, and grounded I feel inside my own skin. Everest (our older son) will say, “Is Asher making you mad?” to which I’ll respond, “He’s not making me mad. I’m feeling mad because I’m not handling this very well right now.”
This afternoon, on our way home from a couple of errands in town, Asher started in again with his tyrant impersonation. “Turn on your lights, Mommy!” “No Asher, I’m not going to turn them on.” “TURN THEM ON RIGHT NOW!” In a moment of clarity, I saw the futility of trying to convince him (as I’ve tried in the past) of why I’m not going to turn on the lights. He’s three. It’s not about the lights. If I turn on the lights, he’ll demand something else. Instead of arguing with him or trying to convince him out of his feelings, I said, “Sweetheart, I hear that you really ant me to turn my lights on right now. I really hear how much you want that,” and then I turned on the music and imagined that I was the Dalai Lama. I closed my eyes at the red light and tried to incarnate a vision of serenity, where I could embody peace in the eye of the storm. Asher started screaming louder and then sticking his hands into Everest’s hair. Everest shouted, “STOP IT, ASHER! GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY SEAT!” The volume was ear-shattering. The chaos was soul-shattering. In another frame of mind, I probably would have joined in the cacophony and shouted something back (again, a pointless behavior and one that I always regret). But today I was able to retain my equanimity and let the storm pass on through.
And this is how it is with my anxious clients. Anxiety is a like a scared child or a three year old attempting to exert control when it feels out of control. Anxiety is this young part of you waving a red flag, shouting, “Pay attention to me! Listen to me! But don’t let me have too much power by believing what I’m telling you!” If you imagine your anxiety like a child drowning in the river, the loving adult stands on the shore and throws her a lifeline, pulls her out of the current, and holds her close. Or, if the screaming and carrying-on is too much, the loving adult simply walks away with love. But when you believe the antics of the child and give it too much power, you’re essentially jumping into the current and you both go down together. This is what happens when anxiety snowballs into an unmanageable state. You’re arguing with a three year old and it’s argument you’ll never win.
In my younger parenting days, I thought that if a child felt out of control I needed to help him feel in control by giving in to his demands. Now, with the wisdom of hindsight (and being pulled through the wringer of parenting on the front lines), I see the error of my ways. Indulging in a child’s demands actually makes him feel more out of control because he suddenly feels more powerful than his parents and he wonders, “If I’m this small and can make them do whatever I want, who’s in charge here?” This is probably obvious to many parents, but, for a variety of reasons, I had to learn the hard way (with my first son as the guinea pig). Now I know better. I know that when I indulge in his demands, it only leads to more demands. It’s a lose-lose situation for both of us where he usually ends up losing his marbles and I end up losing my temper. But when I hold a firm but loving boundary and allow him to meltdown, scream (and he’s loud; we quite certain that our neighbors at the end of our road can hear him), cry, thrash around the floor, pull on my clothes, and beat his little fists on the couch, he eventually rides it out and finds his equanimity again. It’s not easy for anyone, but it’s the most effective way we’ve found for allowing him to move through his difficult feelings while ultimately creating a sense of safety inside of him.
Afterwards, when he’s lying in my lap staring up at me with his big, brown eyes as I stroke his tear-stained cheeks, I’ll say, “Asher, you can choose for your own body but you can’t choose for someone else’s body. You’re trying to control everyone and it’s doesn’t work. I can wear my clothes and you can wear your pajamas. I can wear a scarf or wear my hair down. I get to choose for my body and you get to choose for your body (for the most part). But you can’t choose for me.” And he’ll say, “I’m not sad anymore, Mommy. I’m happy now.” And he is. The storm has passed and he learned that he can survive big feelings without anything bad happening.
Life doesn’t work very well when there’s no one in charge, both for actual kids and for inner kids. It feels scary, out of control, and shapeless. But when a loving adult steps into the picture and provides healthy boundaries, reassurance, and attention, everything starts to shift. At some point we learn that the attempt to control others or the future is futile, and the only peace comes from accepting this truth and focusing on the immense power we have to shape our own lives in this moment.
What a wonderfully compassionate-yet-firm way of handling temper tantrums. The idea of children trying to control things has been on my mind lately. I don’t have children of my own, but I have some smaller piano students that, while they’re past the meltdown stage, still try and figure out who is in charge during a piano lesson. I think it’s awesome that you’re teaching him about boundaries, how to handle big emotions, and that these strong feelings don’t detract from your love. And also a great thought when related to anxiety. I often feel like my “inner child” needs to rage and cry and melt down a little. And when I let her do that, the storm passes a lot quicker than when I say “that’s ridiculous…settle down and get over it.” Thanks for the post!
Yes, Sarah, so much of the work with ourselves is learning to allow the thoughts and feelings instead of fighting them or resisting them, while remembering that we don’t have to be a victim to the thoughts and feelings!
Marisa -February 23, 2012 - 8:09 am
Whenever I read your posts, I instantly wish I had known about them 7 years ago, or had met someone like you that could have helped me see a little clearer through the darkness of the hole in which I was running around in circles. After my wishing is over, I feel deeply grateful for your presence on the web and in my life!
Thank you, Marisa. Such kind words and I’m so glad you’ve found this now.
sarah -February 23, 2012 - 9:51 pm
sheryl, i think it’s great, too, that you’re also teaching him that you’re not afraid of his big feelings. not only is he learning that he can handle them, but also that you’ll still love him when it’s over, that you are that solid rock and source of stability when he’s feeling out of control. he’s so lucky to have you as a mother.
as i continue in my own healing process, i’m learning how much i wanted my parents to show up for me in that way and how they gave in to my demands. i can still feel that part of me that wishes they had said no (and then later, when i was engaged, how i wished J had said it), told me everything was going to be okay when i was scared, and set more firm boundaries. i, therefore, formed just another false belief: that i’m too much, so in order to be loved, i have to keep things small and to myself. as you know, i’m now learning to say those things to myself, but it’s helpful to know that of course it’s difficult when it hasn’t been modeled.
Thank you, Sarah. And I’m so lucky to have my boys as my greatest spiritual teachers! The belief of “I’m too much” is so common, especially when you’re highly sensitive and had parents who didn’t now how to reflect and contain your big feelings. Yes, it’s very difficult when it hasn’t been modeled, but you’re doing GREAT work on yourself and I have no doubt that you will heal the beliefs that are keeping you limited and small.
sarah -February 25, 2012 - 1:13 pm
thank you, sheryl. i feel so grateful to have you supporting and teaching me along this journey. i don’t even want to imagine what my life would be like without having gone through this amazing transformation. as hard as it’s been, i’m still thankful and feel so much stronger.
Thank you. This was really timely for me. I’ve been letting my inner three year old, six year old, everyone, take over and giving into demands. My life is slowly spinning out (though at this point my inner adult is at least present enough to know I’ll get through this). Anyway, thanks again.
thanks, sheryl. i don’t have kids of my own, but i do have an 84-year-old mother who is in a remarkable similar place as your asher. i’m finding that what is true for a 3-year-old around loving boundries is also true for her. go figure!
What’s your idea of romance? If you live in the West, you probably think of romance as a feeling of being “in love.” You think of red roses adorning white tablecloths, fine wine in crystal glasses, long evenings of staring into each other’s eyes by candlelight, endless nights where the fire burns so hot that you have no choice but to roll under the covers until dawn. You might also think about Valentine’s Day and carry a secret hope – expectation? – that your sweetheart will make you swoon with his romantic actions. But mostly you think of that special feeling that fills you up and makes you feel uplifted and whole.
And if marriage is on the table, you think of romantic proposals where you’re swept off your feet and feel as if the earth stood still. You imagine that once he pops the question and you say yes, you’ll be swirling in a sea of bliss as you joyously plan your wedding. Although you’ve never thought of yourself as someone who falls prey to the Disney fantasy of “happily ever after” and you didn’t know that you were unconsciously dreaming of your Prince or Princess Charming, you’ve certainly believed that once your beloved proposed you would feel happy and certain as you skipped down your golden road. And why would you think otherwise? Every image of weddings and brides you’ve seen since the time you were a young child expresses one phrase: perfect bliss.
And yet… just hours after the proposal you find yourself in a panic. And yet… the days of romantic bliss have long since worn off now that you’re a year or two or ten into your relationship. And yet… does all of this mean that you shouldn’t be getting married? That you’re with the wrong partner? Doesn’t true love mean that your stomach does flip-flops when your partner walks in the door?
There’s nothing like the hot-button days of Valentine’s Day and proposals to simmer the myth of romantic love that permeates Western culture to the surface. It’s during these times that our expectations – both conscious and unconscious – of love are exposed, and in the aftermath of unmet expectations (He didn’t bring me flowers; I thought I would feel ecstatic but I’m instead I’m in a panic) we’re left wondering, “Is something wrong? This isn’t how I thought I was supposed to feel.”
My work is about exploding the myth of romantic love that permeates our culture – from Valentine’s Day to proposals, engagements, weddings, and marriage. It’s about bringing this statement in Robert Johnson’s brilliant book, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, to mainstream awareness so that we can start to shift the dysfunctional messages that lead so many people astray in the world of partnership:
“For romantic love doesn’t just mean loving someone; it means being “in love.” This is a psychological phenomenon that is very specific. When we are “in love” we believe we have found the ultimate meaning of life, revealed in another human being. We feel we are finally completed, that we have found the missing parts of ourselves. Life suddenly seems to have a wholeness, a superhuman intensity that lifts us high above the ordinary plain of existence. For us, these are the sure signs of “true love.” The psychological package includes an unconscious demand that our lover or spouse always provide us with this feeling of ecstasy and intensity.
“With typical Western self-righteousness we assume that our notion of “love”, romantic love, must be the best. We assume that any other kind of love between couples would be cold and insignificant by comparison. But if we Westerners are honest with ourselves, we have to admits that our approach to romantic love is not working well.” (p. xii)
Quite often we hear that a relationship ended because one partner “fell out of love.” This can only mean that they fell out of romantic love and didn’t understand that now is the time for a true understanding of love to begin. It’s the lucky ones who fall out of love during their engagement because they’re offered an opportunity to learn about real love without the pressure of a marriage already underfoot. One of my all-time favorite quotes comes from someone on my Conscious Weddings message board when she said, “I had to fall out of love so I could learn about what real love is all about.”
When we’re under the massive cultural illusion of romantic love, Valentine’s Day is a set-up just as being engaged is a set-up. But when you start to free yourself from the tyranny of false romance, you can approach these days from a position of grounded reality that says: Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to give and receive love; it’s not a test of how much someone loves me. A proposal, while initially exciting, for many people triggers fear, grief, and uncertainty. Not only is this normal and it’s also an opportunity for growth.
I must admit: there are times when I miss those early days of courtship with my husband. His romance factor was off the charts and it was magical to come home from work to find him sitting on my deck surrounded by dozens and dozens of flowers, reading Rumi by candlelight. But those moment of nostalgia are fleeting and pale in comparison to the true romance that defines our life together in the ways that he shows up through loving action every single day. True romance is clearing the snow and ice off the car when it’s 10 degrees outside and warming it up so that my sons and I can get into a toasty car. True romance is waking up eight times a night to walk our son to sleep back when he was a newborn. True romance is seeing the look on my face that says, “I can’t fight our 3 year old into the bath tonight,” and taking over the parenting duties with his creative stories and silly antics. True romance is being willing to sit down with me at ten o’clock at night after the kids are finally asleep so that we can talk about how we can be better parents. True romance is the thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life, fully present, deeply willing, unwavering in his commitment to me and our family. This is what brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. This is the true definition of romance, one that I’m lucky enough to behold and one that I’m passionate about helping others embrace so that they don’t make the mistake of walking away from a great man because he didn’t bring her flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Dear Sheryl,
Wow how amazing the universe sends you what you need to hear at just the right time. It’s Valentines Day here in Australia and this morning I’m finding myself buzzing with the anxiety of the unmet expectations of romantic love you speak off and ignoring the ‘thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life’. It’s a year into the relationship and the waves of anxiety are less frequent and less traumatic but it’s times like this that the words ‘you don’t love him’ and ‘you shouldn’t be feeling like this so early on’ come flushing back. The further I look the more i see that they are driven by false expectations and judgements and a lack of willingness on my part to focus on all the ways that love is really present. I’m seeing more clearly how my expectations and judgements are holding me apart from feeling love….much thanks to you and your willingness to share your experience.
Thank you so much
Ragini -February 13, 2012 - 4:56 pm
Dear Sheryl,
Wow how amazing the universe sends you what you need to hear at just the right time. It’s Valentines Day here in Australia and this morning I’m finding myself buzzing with the anxiety of the unmet expectations of romantic love you speak off and ignoring the ‘thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life’. It’s a year into the relationship and the waves of anxiety are less frequent and less traumatic but it’s times like this that the words ‘you don’t love him really’ and ‘you shouldn’t be feeling like this so early on’ come flushing back. The further I look the more i see that they are driven by false expectations and judgements and a lack of willingness on my part to focus on all the ways that love is really present. I’m seeing more clearly how my expectations and judgements are holding me apart from true love….much thanks to you..I can’t tell you the number of times i’ve come to your website and been confronted by what it is i need to hear
lookingforthelight -February 13, 2012 - 5:30 pm
The last paragraph is perfect! Lately I have been avoiding the boards and posts because I just can not handle them right now (which is in itself strange because the majority understandably find comfort and strength through them). However, I have had the desire to revisit them to discuss my new-found Valentine’s Day fear. What a joy it has been discovering so many new fears this New Year . This article came at the perfect time, and once again your words bring a sense of comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Your description of true love resonates on so many levels, because that is where my anxiety (as well as many others) is rooted- “Do I Love Him Enough?” I am on lesson 3 of the E-Course, and it has been so helpful! I have listened to lessons 1 and 2 multiple times. I just began your book, and it too has brought much comfort. You truly are a blessing Sheryl (this coming from a non-religious individual). It is still really hard, but Friday I had my first day with ZERO anxiety in a very long time. It was the first time I was actually able to ‘see’ projection, understand it, and believe in it. Thank you for these words!
“True romance is clearing the snow and ice off the car when it’s 10 degrees outside and warming it up so that my sons and I can get into a toasty car. True romance is waking up eight times a night to walk our son to sleep back when he was a newborn. True romance is seeing the look on my face that says, “I can’t fight our 3 year old into the bath tonight,” and taking over the parenting duties with his creative stories and silly antics. True romance is being willing to sit down with me at ten o’clock at night after the kids are finally asleep so that we can talk about how we can be better parents. True romance is the thousands of ways that he shows up to forge a shared life, fully present, deeply willing, unwavering in his commitment to me and our family. This is what brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. This is the true definition of romance…”
StephanieG -February 13, 2012 - 5:39 pm
Beautiful post!!
Rosie -February 13, 2012 - 11:36 pm
Fantastic post!!! Loved it!! Xx
Jamie -February 18, 2012 - 11:47 pm
It’s such a relief to know that nothing is wrong with me because of the anxiety I felt leading up to Valentine’s Day! I found myself nearly dreading it, and of course this lead me to obsessively examine my feelings for my boyfriend and make sure that I did love him. Of course, this had never been a problem before, and we’ve been together for nearly three years. Valentine’s day always made me a bit nervous, there is so much pressure there, but it was much easier when I had the lovey-dovey feelings of an exciting new relationship to fuel my fire! This time around, however, I had found myself feeling less excited than in the past and it scared me. In fact, in January I found myself nearly mourning the loss of a relationship that I hadn’t even lost! My feelings and anxiety were so strong that they had convinced me in one night of panic that my relationship was over. It’s taken a lot of effort to pull myself out of that hole, but I’m slowly realizing how much power I have, and how real love isn’t about those butterflies and feelings of romantic bliss. I can choose to be with my boyfriend because I know it’s the right thing, and all the irrational anxiety in the world can’t change that!
And so with that thought in mind I decided to have as good of a Valentine’s Day as possible, but with no expectations. No expectations to feel a certain way, to feel an overwhelming sensation of love on this “magical” day. It ended up being a good time, all in all.
One of the only wedding sites that I truly support, DepositaGift.com, is hosting a five day giveaway and launching it with my two books, The Conscious Bride and The Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner. You can learn about the giveaway here.
Here’s the post:
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The Winner Gets…
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‘Like’ this post or comment on our wall: Tell us — What’s most on your mind about wedding planning?Want to be entered twice? After you comment on our wall, find the original FB post about the giveaway that links to this article, and click on ‘Share’ to re-post it to your wall and share with ALL your friends. That’s right, a double entry, just for sharing! Contest ends Monday, February 6 at 11:59 pm EST. The winner will be notified Tuesday the 7th and you’ll get your prize in a jiffy!
Oh Sheryl,
I love this! I guess in words of Inner Bonding she would say “don’t follow the truth of your WS but learn to educate it. Follow the truth of your core essence!”
It is sometimes hard to differentiate between wounded feelings and core feelings, but isn’t that the challenge…
I also really like with how much conviction and passion she talks about it, she seemed to have had such a big breakthrough on this…
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Bettina
) and it took me YEARS to realize it wasn’t the guys, it was me. There is just no way I could have the exact same anxiety about the exact same things with completely different people – in EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP. I’m now nearly 27 and in a serious relationship (I’m not married or engaged, either!) and it’s the first time I’m truly dealing with this anxiety and fear surrounding marriage/commitment/etc. I think it’s great that you guys found this site & started working through these things at a younger age!
One of the most challenging roadblocks on the healing journey is working with resistance. Many of my clients feel split between two opposing forces: one part of them longs for healing and the accompanying sense of joy and fulfillment and the other part offers compelling reasons at every turn why healing and joy aren’t possible.
People often ask us why we homeschool. I used to launch into a long-winded answer about how we never planned to homeschool but by the time Everest was two it became apparent that, because of his 
My almost three year old is going through the “terrible twos.” I never fully understood that phrase as our older son seemed to skip over it, but now I get it: Asher is testing his boundaries and experimenting with his sense of power and control in the hopes of learning that he’s not the most powerful person in this house. The way it’s manifesting for him is that he’s trying to control everyone here. I’ll give you some examples:
What’s your idea of romance? If you live in the West, you probably think of romance as a feeling of being “in love.” You think of red roses adorning white tablecloths, fine wine in crystal glasses, long evenings of staring into each other’s eyes by candlelight, endless nights where the fire burns so hot that you have no choice but to roll under the covers until dawn. You might also think about Valentine’s Day and carry a secret hope – expectation? – that your sweetheart will make you swoon with his romantic actions. But mostly you think of that special feeling that fills you up and makes you feel uplifted and whole.
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