The Fear of Losing Control

When we spiral down into the deeper layers of anxiety – whether relationship anxiety or any other form that anxiety takes – we find some universal root causes that live at the center. These exist on both the emotional and psychological/spiritual planes, and they all need our attention if we’re going to heal. It requires tremendous courage and fortitude to peer directly into the root causes without the filters of projections or defenses protecting us, as when we peel away the hardened shell that has protected our hearts our entire lives, we come face-to-face with our own soft and defenseless vulnerability.

On the emotional level we find a fear of “enoughness”: Am I lovable enough, good enough, worthy enough to be loved? Of course, as I’ve discussed extensively in other posts and in my courses, this fear often first manifests as a projection onto your partner’s perceived imperfections, but when … Click here to continue reading...

The Roots of Intrusive Thoughts

Last week’s post provoked some anxiety in my clients and readers already prone to relationship anxiety, as I suspected it would. Alongside more typical intrusive thoughts like, “What if I’m gay?“, “What if I don’t love my partner enough?” and “What if I’m settling?“, the less obvious hamster-wheel perseverations like, “What if we don’t talk enough?” and “What if we don’t have enough of a connection?” can also rattle the anxious mind and deserve attention.

But not too much attention. What I mean is that once you resolve one question and find enough certainty to move on (conclude that of course you’re not gay; don’t you think you would have known that already?), if you don’t address the root causes of the intrusive thoughts you’ll quickly find yourself trying to bang the gopher of a different obsession down the hole. And then you’ll find yourself tumbling … Click here to continue reading...