Love is not the Absence of Fear

Love is not the absence of fear. Like joy and sadness, love and fear are dualities that live in the same chamber of the heart. When we love another deeply, fear will rear its head. Designed to protect the vulnerable heart, fear is the sentry who guards the sacred entrances. The way past fear is not to engage in battle; that’s a war you’ll never win. The way to enter into love’s passageways is to call fear by name. We all need to be seen and heard, and fear is no exception.

When we call fear by name, we befriend it. And when we befriend it, it’s no longer the enemy, something to be avoided or conquered. Befriending fear means allowing love to make room for all of fear’s manifestations: doubt, disconnection, uncertainty, lack of attraction, irritation, lack of the feeling of love, fantasizing about the perfect partner or an … Click here to continue reading...

Alanis and the E-Course: Lesson 4 (You Learn)

“Perfectionism came in as well [during the engagement]. But if my number one priority is to evolve then there are no mistakes.” – Alanis from the Interview

Lesson Four of the Conscious Weddings E-Course is “What if These Feelings Mean I’m Making a Mistake?” or “Accepting Uncertainty”. It’s a scary question to ask during an engagement, but a natural outgrowth of the fear, grief, and confusion that accompany the transition in a culture that doesn’t understand transitions. In other words, if you expected to feel scared during your engagement, you wouldn’t mistakenly interpret the fear as a sign that you’re making a mistake.

But what is a mistake? As Alanis speaks to in her quote above, in the context of growth there are no mistakes, only opportunities to learn. Astonishingly, she seemed to know this at the age of 19 when she released “You Learn”:

You Learn

I … Click here to continue reading...

Engagement Anxiety is Like Being in Labor

As I listened to the women I interviewed for the Conscious Weddings E-Course talk about the symptoms of their engagement anxiety, something sounded familiar. They talked about feeling physically sick, not being able to eat or sleep, being so filled with fear that it affected every aspect of their life, praying for a way out. I thought about my clients who question their very foundation of life, from their identity to their relationships with friends and family. At the end of one of the interviews I said, “You know, it sounds like you’re describing pregnancy and labor,” to which Erin (from the MP3 interview in Lesson 1) who happened to be pregnant at the time of the interview responded, “Yes, that’s exactly how it felt. Except so much worse because there was no room to be scared. At least with labor people expect you to be scared.”

And there’s the … Click here to continue reading...

The Conscious Weddings E-Course Lesson 4: “What If These Feelings Mean I’m Making a Mistake?”

As most of you know by now, the Conscious Weddings E-Course is complete and ready for instant download. You can watch a video and read more about it here.

The E-Course is based on the seven most common questions that arise during my sessions with clients. While every person who finds me feels like the they’re the only one struggling with these issues, the truth is that the questions are quite universal. As such, it was easy to separate them into seven lessons based on the seven questions. The following excerpts are from Lesson 4: “What if These Feelings Mean I’m Making a Mistake?” or Accepting Uncertainty.

One of the cornerstones of the E-Course is the compilation of the top posts from the now archived Conscious Weddings Message Board. The message board was a source of inspiration, comfort, and wisdom for thousands of women and men over several years, … Click here to continue reading...

How Do You Find Your Truth?

One of the most common questions my engaged clients ask is, “How do I know I’m marrying the right person? How do I know I’m not making a mistake?” There are several layers to this question. The first layer speaks to the fact that there are no guarantees that any marriage will last a lifetime. We enter marriage with the intention of making a lifelong commitment; we ask ourselves honest questions about the relationship during the put-it-under-a-microscope engagement stage (which is like a trial marriage); and then we grab hands with our loved one and jump off a cliff together, hoping that the parachute opens or that our leap carries us over the abyss and we land safely on the other side.

The second layer speaks to the tendency for most of my clients to second guess themselves at every major juncture of their lives. They typically describe themselves as … Click here to continue reading...