Lack of Desire

I hear a lot of whispered truths from women about their sex lives. I hear that they don’t like kissing, that they haven’t had sex in months (or longer), that they would be perfectly fine never to have sex again. But the statement I hear more than any other is: I don’t feel like having sex.

What they mean when they say this is that they’re experiencing a lack of desire and they’re bumping up the expectation that they should feel hot and bothered by their partner more often, sometimes, or even vaguely. They’ve been flooded by the dysfunctional messages about sexuality that permeate the culture and have formed the belief that if desire isn’t instantly and frequently coursing through their body there’s something wrong. Like all forms of anxiety, the “something wrong” usually takes the form of “there’s something wrong with me, my partner, or our chemistry.”

There’s nothing … Click here to continue reading...

Longing for Desire

Most people are familiar with the heart-aching pain of grief. Most people can identify the empty thud of loneliness. Most people know when they’ve been pricked by the green-eyed monster of jealousy, or taken under the thick, gray blanket of shame. But how often do we talk about longing?

In the container of my virtual office, I hear about it many times a week:

I long for a baby.

I long for a partner.

I long for my mother.

I long for my father. 

I long for the parents I never had.

I long for my childhood.

I long for a house.

I long for community.

I long for a best friend.

I long for God (or spirit, connection to something higher, whatever term works for you).

I long for a different climate.

I long for a different city.

I long to be single.

I long to feel alive.

I Click here to continue reading...

A Psychic Told Me To Leave My Relationship

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or read some version of the following email that I recently received (published here with permission):

I am in a loving relationship and engaged. A psychic woman told me very specifically that I will definitely not marry this man, that my confusion is my heart longing to be with my true soulmate and that when I work through my depression I will see this clearly. I asked her if there was anything I could do to change this outcome and she said if I stay with my partner it will always be difficult. I want nothing more to marry my partner but this information has added to my doubts and worries and I can’t get this out of my head. Would the courses help at all or do I need to accept fate?

Oh, boy. How many hundreds of clients and … Click here to continue reading...

Sex Begets Sex

One might think, given how much I write about relationships, that I would write more about sex. I’ve touched on the subject sporadically – here and here and here – but I haven’t delved into the topic in depth for a variety of reasons, the primary being that it’s such a vast and complicated realm that it’s difficult to do it justice in a single article. Still, because the topic arises so frequently with my clients and on my forums, it’s worth diving in a bit more, even if we only scratch the surface.

I’ve written about what’s “normal” and hopefully have shed some light on the connection between anxiety and sex. A large part of my work consists of debunking the pernicious “shoulds” that weigh heavily into psyches and mutate into shame. When we’re up against an externally derived barometer of what a healthy relationship should look like, we … Click here to continue reading...