The Gay Spike

IMG_2723In case you think you’re alone, let me tell you right off the bat that there are thousands, if not millions, of straight people suffering from the obsessive question, “What if I’m gay?” (and many gays suffering from the thought, “What if I’m straight?”). If you’re prone to anxiety, once this thought enters your brain it will likely take hold like the suctions of an octopus until you find yourself in a state of self-afflicted agony. At that point, you’ll find yourself spending every free moment Googling and searching, ruminating and obsessing, desperate to find a definitive answer to this question so that you can reassure your anxious mind.

There’s an element to the question that is a direct result of the pitiful lack of accurate information and honest conversations to which we expose the young people in this culture. While we have no problem revealing increasingly more amounts of nudity, sexual innuendo, and explicit sex scenes in everything from commercials to sitcoms, we still fail to have real conversations about sexuality. Consequently, most people grow up believing that you’re either straight or gay instead of understanding that there is a great deal of fluidity when it comes to sexuality. For example, you can be a woman who prefers to be in relationships with men but feels aroused by the thought, idea, or fantasy of two women being together sexually. Likewise, you can be a man who identifies strongly as heterosexual but can feel aroused by two gay men. If we understood this simple fact growing up there would be much less incidence of gay spike.

For example, I have a few clients struggling with relationships anxiety who grew up in liberal cities and were lucky enough to form close friendships during their early adolescence. As there were no topics off-limits for these friends, they discussed everything from masturbation to lesbian sex fantasies. As they matured into adulthood, while anxiety took hold in other areas it never latched onto the gay theme. I attribute this entirely to the fact that their thoughts and fantasies about the same sex were normalized during their formative years. So even when relationship anxiety took hold, it focused on other areas as psyche knew there was no place to land regarding sexuality.

But for most people the gay spike is the perfect line of thinking for the wounded self to latch onto when it’s trying to convince you to run from your loving, attentive, well-matched partner. You see, the wounded self’s (ego, small self, fear-based self) entire function in life is try to control others and outcomes. It simply cannot tolerate uncertainty, emotional vulnerability, or the risk of loss. As there are few endeavors in life more emotionally risky than committing to your partner and, thus, exposing yourself to the possibility of loss (of self or other), the wounded self flares up with a vengeance as soon as it senses that this relationship could be for life. In its attempt to convince you to leave, it throws out the most compelling argument it can find: What if I’m gay? Because if you’re gay, then you would have to leave and wounded self has, in one brilliant chess move, achieved its goal: to control the outcome of your relationship. So there’s this terrible irony at work: the last thing in the world, the thing that would shatter your heart into a million pieces, would be to lose your partner, but what’s worse than that (according to the wounded self) is to commit to your partner without a one hundred percent guarantee that it will work out. Do you see the logic here? The wounded self would rather control the outcome by convincing you to break up then allow you to sit in the uncertainty, choice, and risk of making a lifetime commitment.

If you let the wounded self be in control by believing its lines, you’ll be sunk. But as soon as you name the gay spike as FEAR you gain one degree of your power back. Oh, and I know that the wounded self will throw every bit of “evidence” in your face: Remember the time when you were nine and you played doctor with your neighbor? Remember when you were thirteen and you wondered what it would be like to kiss your best friend? Remember when you were drunk in college and you did kiss your best friend? Or you weren’t drunk and explored sex with the same sex? At some point, when you’ve done your fear-warrior work, grown a solid adult self that can be secure in your ability to make a choice, become more comfortable with uncertainty, and educated yourself about sexual fluidity, you’ll be able to respond to these lines with, “So what? I’ve made my choice, I know who I love, and I choose to take the risk of loving.” Those four steps are easier said than done, of course. Fear-warrior work requires excavating all of your deepest fears about intimacy, relationships, and love. Becoming comfortable with uncertainty and growing a solid inner adult require devoting yourself to some kind of daily practice like Inner Bonding® and/or mindfulness (hopefully both). And learning about sexual fluidity means taking steps to educate yourself about this already spiky topic.

There’s a very simple exercise for shifting out of the mental rumination of an addictive thought and dropping into your heart, where the root cause of fear of loss lives.

1. As soon as you notice that you’re stuck in your head, say to yourself, “I’m in my mental addiction.”

2. Then say to yourself, “This thought is a lie. What is it protecting me from feeling?”

3. Then shift into your heart by literally putting your hands on your heart, closing your eyes, and connecting to your breath. Even if you can’t connect directly to the fear of loss and uncertainty in that moment, you’ve at least called fear out onto the mat, thereby creating a separation between you and your wounded self, which will help you grow your loving adult/witness. When you pause you break the cycle of intrusive thoughts, even if only for a few moments. If you can journal with an intention to explore your fears and beliefs, even better. And if you can truly touch into the fear of loss and allow yourself to unravel into a good cry, the fear will begin to rinse through you and you’ll find the intrusive thoughts naturally falling away.

There are many techniques for breaking the cycle of intrusive thoughts in the moment: singing a song using the thought as the words, blowing bubbles, etc. While these are excellent tools for on-the-spot work, they don’t address the root causes of intrusive thoughts, and many people find that once they heal from one thought using these CBT tools, another eventually appears. But when you pull the thought out by the root, you can heal from intrusive thoughts and ruminating at a much deeper level.

If you truly want to heal from the gay spike you need to approach it for what it is: an intrusive thought. For others, the intrusive thought could be, “What if I don’t love him/her enough?” or “What if I’m not attracted to him/her?” And outside the realm of relationship anxiety, the intrusive thoughts are, “What if I hurt someone?” or “What if I’m a pedophile?’ or “What if I have a terminal illness?” But even as you read those intrusive thoughts you may be able to discern the common thread: the fear of losing life (the fear of death) or losing control (which is often experienced as a death). And the work is the same: To grow a strong, loving inner adult who can provide the comfort and reassurance to yourself that you may not have had as a child and some sort of spiritual net that can catch you as you fall through time on this mysterious, constantly changing, risky, miraculous journey we call life.

46 comments to The Gay Spike

  • Rebecca

    Thank you SO MUCH for this post! I struggle with this a great deal due to miseducation on the topic, and it’s wonderful to read your logical and thoughtful words.

  • Me myself and I

    But what about bisexuals who fear or obsess they are with the “wrong” sex? I imagine it’s a possibility for bisexuals to have the same fear but it’s complex because they are attracted to more than one sex.

    • Yes slightly more complex but really the same issue: the fear of love, which is really the fear of loss and being vulnerable. But if you’re bisexual, how can there be a “wrong” sex?! So it still comes down to living with your choice and recognizing that the spike is the mind’s way of creating a wall so you’re not truly present with your partner.

      • Clara

        Yes, MM&I, I fall into the category you describe. When I’m calm I can recognize that I am bang in the middle of the sexuality spectrum (a 4 on the Kinsey scale), but when I was younger and with men, I had the intrusive thought that I was really gay, and now that I’m in a stable committed relationship with a woman, I have at various points really struggled with the fear (that often felt like certainty) that I am actually straight, that is was just a phase I had to go through, and that I really need to be with a man. Unsurprisingly, this comes up most strongly at certain times of the month (when I’m most fertile). This strong doubt and confusion has caused me and my partner a lot of distress at times. It’s not easy. But I can honestly say that I have come a long way, with Sheryl’s help, and am much much less bothered by the thoughts when they arise now. I’m able to recognize that I have made a loving choice, that is consistent with my (bi)sexuality, and while I dream about men, am attracted to men and make energy, and really enjoy dancing with them – and could well have ended up with a man, I am no less aligned with my truth in the relationship that I’m in. There are wonderful things for me about being w a woman, things that would not be there were I with a man, just as there are unique challenges and losses that are involved with this path that I have chosen. But it is not wrong, worse, better, or right. It is real, and honest, and loving, and the path that I am on.

        • Me myself and I

          Clara, reading your post along with Sheryl’s blog has evoked a lot of grief because I struggle with two issues a) the biphobia that leads us to believe like we aren’t authentic unless we pick a gay or straight identity and b) relationship anxiety which is what brought us to Sheryl’s forum. It’s so easy to conflate the two issues and without a universal understanding of the intersection of these two struggles its quite difficult to find others who go through this same experience. So often people cast doubt the selves that they even struggle with these issues because they’re not widely talked about and our theories on sexuality are only beginning to be more widely understood (although certainly not accepted everywhere).
          I’m very happy to hear your thoughts on this issue. Enjoy your fruitful journey as you courageously carve your own path and likely inspire others.

      • Me myself and I

        Thank you Sheryl!

      • parzivalxf

        Sheryl,

        I feel I need to respond to this sentence: “But if you’re bisexual, how can there be a “wrong” sex?!”

        While many self-identified bisexuals experience a consistent attraction to both sexes, many others experience more of a fluid shift between same-sex and other-sex attractions over time.

        Granted, there are likely individuals in that latter population who flip back and forth due to relationship anxiety — as the perfect escape route. However, given that so little is understood about bisexuality, not to mention the popular misconceptions of bisexuality (which label bisexuals as flaky, indecisive, confused, unfaithful, etc.) I think a note of caution is appropriate.

        By the way, I want to make it clear that I am not questioning your main point. The experience of sexual fluidity isn’t reason to throw up your hands and let anxiety drive you to abandon a loving, committed relationship. It does mean, however, that the work to know yourself has one more layer of complexity.

        • I appreciate your comment.

        • me myself and i

          Parzivalxf, what you mean about how people who experience their bisexuality in fluid shifts over time flip back and forth between sexes due to relationship anxiety as the perfect escape route? I’m not really sure what you are getting at.

        • me myself and i

          From the way I read it, it seems as though you argue that people who experience fluid shifts in their sexuality constantly flip between genders (as in going from dating a man to dating a woman and back to dating a man) and use relationship anxiety as an excuse to justify this flip. Then you get to the heart of the matter which is that bisexuality or in my opinion sexuality in general is complex (and in my opinion it is biologically and socially influenced). Knowing it’s complex, how can you say that the aforementioned experience of “flipping back and forth” is because people use relationship anxiety as an excuse? I guess people who struggle with anxiety in general could flip back and forth due to a fear of being in a gay relationship which is the typical stereotype that bisexuals get which is why lots of monosexual individuals don’t trust us. But isn’t that just perpetuating a negative stereotype about us? I think the fear of being with the “wrong sex” is tied to INTERNALIZED BIPHOBIA. For a highly anxious person exploring their relationship anxiety and internalized biphobia, it can be easy to fear that one’s real struggle is not their relationship anxiety but that they are truly gay and have to leave their relationship. Yet what is behind the fear of being truly gay is the idea that being bisexual is due to being confused since the dominant sexuality models are about fixed/rigid identities. I suspect you know about this given your description of the negative stereotypes bisexuals receive. I don’t find anything complex about bisexuality, in fact, on a broad level, I’d define it as the capacity to be attracted to more than on gender. But more specifically, for myself, I define it as the capacity to love deeply (romantically, emotionally, sexually, physically, and intellectually) with individuals of more than one gender.

          • me myself and i

            To add, I also recognize how when people in straight relationships awaken to their same sex attractions, they can instinctively push away their partner and assume this awakening necessitates leaving the relationship due to their emerging sexuality shift rather than the fact that there are issues within the relationship that more often than not likely warrant their decision to leave, despite being in a partnership with an emotionally available partner. This too spikes my anxiety as it lends credence to the complexity of my internalized biphobia and relationship anxiety.

  • Kellbell

    Love this, thank you so much Sheryl! Something that has helped me kick this intrusive thought out of my head is remembering what my clarity was before this intrusive thought popped in my head.

    1- I have always been initially attracted to men, therefore I do like boy’s and prefer boys, I’m more comfortable with them.

    2- I know its completely normal to have experimented with the same sex, it doesn’t mean your gay. And its okay if I found other woman attractive, its part of human nature.

    3- I know I wouldn’t be “happier” with a girl, so it was just WS/fear trying to get me to run.

    Also TRUST that this is just a thought, it doesn’t mean its you! This was a big one for me as well. You are not your thoughts, you make your own truths. One more thing, if I thought something of the same sex and I got “aroused” by it, its ok, so what, its normal! Don’t resist the thoughts otherwise they are going to hook you in. If you resist they will persist. You cannot “become” that way by thinking these things.

    Hope some of these help for those who are struggling with this!

  • Patricia

    Thank you soooo much Sheryl .
    I was struggling with this last week for the entire week
    I have struggled before so my partner decided to bring it back to my mind
    Asking if i didnt want to marry her because i know that I get confuse with my sexuality
    I am a lesbian so i ask myself sometimes if im straight because i find some men attractive

    • Clara

      In a very similar boat to you, Patricia. I think many people think that doubts about sexuality only come up for people before the come out of the closet, and therefore that such doubts mean that you’re gay. In fact, I used to think that. But im living proof that those doubts can persist even when you’ve had loving abs healthy relationships with people of both genders. I think it’s connected with idealizing what we can’t have. Hang in there! You’re not alone!

  • Patricia

    Oh lord i sometimes get really anxious because “what if im bisexual” ohh Nooo
    At laugh at it sometimes because what can I do.
    Our mind is crazy it makes us believe so many crazy things

  • faithhopeandlove

    Thank you, Sheryl. I needed this one!

  • Kristen

    Another great blog! Thank you! 🙂

    Does anyone have trouble ruminating an addictive thought, not about your partner, but about yourself?

    I have been working hard with accepting full responsibility for my anxiety. And as a result, I’ve been finding that I’m being really hard on myself, and I’ve been having really bad thoughts about myself.

    Do you think the root of it is fearing losing my life or losing control? Perhaps my anxiety has been apart of who I am for so long, that I’m almost afraid to be without it?

    • “Perhaps my anxiety has been apart of who I am for so long, that I’m almost afraid to be without it?”

      That’s absolutely true. We become so comfortable with the discomfort of the wounded self that it actually feels comfortable! And it’s often more scary to let go of something familiar and venture into unknown territory than it is to remain where you are.

      • Kristen

        Thanks Sheryl! Seeing your reply made me smile! 🙂

        So do you think perhaps that’s why I’m ruminating bad thoughts about myself? My wounded self is fighting because I’m trying to work on my anxiety? I know I’ve projected on my partner, but the bad thoughts about myself are just scary!

        BTW, I’m interested in signing up for your next Open Your Heart program. Can I please have more information on that?

        • Sarah

          Kristen,
          I really struggle, too, with being super hard on myself. I think Sheryl is totally right – that’s it’s easier to remain what I call comfortably uncomfortable than it is to shed what we’ve known as our identity for so long. It reminds me of the marriage transition, or any transition I guess, in which we’re letting go of one identity in order to embrace a new identity.

          One thing that helps me is thinking that I’m learning how to work WITH my WS, not against her. I have a tendency to want to push her away and she comes back fighting. When I can hear her without believing and acting on what she’s saying, it helps me some. And, as I’ve learned from Sheryl, the key question is: what are the thoughts protecting you from feeling? 🙂

  • ivee

    thank you sheryl! for weeks i have been struggling with these thoughts. you are heaven sent!

  • Believerkeneivel

    Sheryl, Thank you! My mind is kind of blown right now…. My partner and I had taken a break to get back to ourselves, and this issue came up for me- now I realize as a total defense mechanism. What an incredibly exciting concept. Thank you for this brave thinking and writing. I feel freer than ever to commit having learned from you about the small-self, afraid-self. I think you just changed my life!?

    • Yes, that’s exactly it: a defense mechanism. And most people don’t talk about the intrusive thoughts in this way. I’m so glad it was helpful!

  • MEG

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’m curious what your opinion is on doing exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) with intrusive thoughts like the above mentioned. My cbt has stated a few times that she doesn’t think it would help, however there is a lot of research stating that they help relieve sufferers of doubt in all themes (sexuality, harm, etc). My thoughts are because I have so many different obsessive themes, that it’s not the subjects that need addressing it’s my poor brain wiring and overreaction to nonsensical thoughts. Let me know what your thoughts are!

    Thank you for the article! It’s such a good reminder and resource to go back to for the future.

    • From what I’ve seen, it can be helpful when addressing a single theme but if you don’t address the root cause you’ll just obsess about something else. And yes it’s your brain wiring but it’s also the fear of loss, the unknown, death etc that creates the obsessions.

    • Erin

      Meg, I am in the tail end of an intense round of ERP and I can tell you that it has changed my life. For the first time since I was a child, I am mostly free from obsessive thoughts and (mental) rituals. It was the most challenging thing I have ever done, but it has been (by far) the most rewarding as well. I have several different themes, but my CBT decided to tackle the most prevalent one to start. I was a skeptic, but it has helped me respond more effectively to the other themes as well, to the point where I rarely ruminate or obsess at all anymore.

      Sheryl is absolutely right though, if you don’t address the underlying issues behind the obsession (fear of loss, death, etc), it will be nearly impossible to engage fully in ERP.

      Good luck to you!

  • Just a girl

    I used to have obsessive thoughts about being lesbian when I was pretty young like 9 years old. I was scared that I would grow up and become that way. Like it would be something that would just come over me and I would be attracted to other woman. It was about a one year period of worry and doubt but it was eventually ruled and now I can look at a woman and say “Yes, I think she is beautiful but that doesn’t mean I’m gay.” I”m now married to a wonderful man. Now I am battling other intrusive thoughts of self harm and harm to the man I love the most. I know that they are not me but they still scare me. I am not a violent person. I have never harmed anyone. I’ve been battling these thoughts for 3 monthes and sometimes i feel trapped. Everyday is a battle. I wish I could just be over this!

  • gwen

    Thank you again for this Sheryl, I started back to work this week so leaving my 8 month old for the first time was really hard, i projected all of that anxiety onto my husband as usual and just last night we were both really exhausted and I snapped at him as i do alot and he slapped my hand like a little kid and said stop, this is the first time in 8 yrs he ever dont this it was more a few taps then a slap. I got totally freaked out and said to him maybe we sud just break up, he said he is really sick of hearing this over and over and he is human too and has feelings, it was just awful to be honest, i then went over to him and hugged him so tight and told him i loved him so much and didnt ever want to leave him ever, he is the most loving gentle man and i know he would never do anything to hurt me ever, he has just been under alot of stress and the argument actually started over my mother.

    Anyway i know i love him, i know i am attracted to him, yet the worry is still there, i just had a dream last night and it was all about my brother who i worry about but part of it was me speaking to a girl i went to school with years ago never really liked her, i was saying to her i am with a great guy i am so happy etc, and she said well i saw you together and you dont look happy, alot of my fear i suppose derives from my own family who have interfered in my relationship and judged me even when i was happy and content and said things because they were unhappy themselves i think it derived from this, i have major anxiety being around my own family as it is usually really damaging to me and my life.

    Each time i get a bad anxiety cycle i do learn something more about myself, i promised myself last night i will never again threaten my husband with breaking up, he really is the best person ever and does not deserve that at all.

  • chelsea

    Sheryl , have you ever thought about doing an article on the fear mind vs the clear mind. Ie) things your fear mind puts in your head an just diff Things it does an says an ways it trys to get you to leave. An ways that you can tell that it is the fear talking vs your clear mind Or if you already have an article like that which is it? Thanks an God bless

  • Emily

    Sheryl,
    Your blog has helped me through much of my relationship anxiety. At a time where I was not anxiety-ridden and felt as if I was finally going back to not questioning my love for my wonderful, well-matched boyfriend again, I came this article for the second time. Whilst obsessing over something completely different yet still pertaining to my relationship (which is immensely healthy and contains no red flags), I came across this article and disregarded it, as I knew I’d been in love with boys before and never girls, yet a biting feeling told me my anxiety could latch onto any idea. The second time I came across this article, as I said before, I was calming down. Reading through it out of curiosity, I immediately started to obsess over it. “What if I’m gay?” “What if I’ve just always been in denial?” “What if the reason I have had such terrible relationship anxiety is because I’m supposed to be with a woman?” At first, through my obsessing, I was still sure I was straight. This is because up until that moment, as I have had little bicurious or anxiety-filled moments where I’ve questioned my sexuality, I’ve always envisioned myself marrying a guy. I’ve always been aroused by guys. I’ve always had crushes only on guys, only tried to look good for guys. I’ve been in love with guys, and am in love with my boyfriend. I felt anxiety thinking about other girls, but as soon as I read that that’s a sign that you’re straight and felt comforted, I immediately started feeling numb thinking about being with girls and feeling anxiety thinking about being with boys/my boyfriend. My brain tries to convince me that this is because what I’ve wanted and needed all along is to be with a girl, and that before the relationship anxiety hit and I was comforted by the fact that I was sure that my boyfriend and I would be together forever that I was just lying to myself and that I only liked the idea of stability. I’m driving myself insane. I know if my heart that if I were a lesbian, I would be comforted by the fact that if I left my boyfriend I could be with a woman. But the thought of leaving my boyfriend or of him being with someone else kills me. I’d rather be alone forever than be with someone other than him.
    I’m at complete loss of what to do. Is it apparent that I’m straight, and my brain is just doing everything I can to scare me out of love, including providing numbness where I feel I should be anxious to make me believe I’m something I’m not? Can the brain even do that? I’ve fought so hard through our relationship anxiety, and even through a bit of his, and I know I wouldn’t do that if I didn’t want to be with him. I’m just so endlessly worried, Sheryl.
    Thank you always!

  • Patricia

    Is crazy sometimes when im feeling anxious abt my sexuality
    ill look at a random guy and a random girl n image myself in a relationship with them, is pretty crazy because they just random people.
    Also it botherss me soo much tht im just attracted to butchy girl,manly type, studs
    And i can find a guy more attracted than a girly girl because of the masculinity
    I still dont understand how a lesbian can be attracted to masculinity?

  • Sahmpaw

    Thankfully this hasn’t been an issue for me because I kissed a girl as a 10/11 year old and didn’t like it (I’m female). I’ve always liked guys, starting with the skater/punk types and eventually ending up with a very well-rounded man for my husband. Instead these are my crazy obsessions I have had over the years. 🙂 “I have lice. I have HIV. I have Aspergers. My baby has autism.” I am sure there are other ludicrous ones my WS has come up with but these are the most hilarious ones.

    By the way I am convinced the kissing, etc. at that age was FOR ME a result of a loveless/hugless/affectionless/directionless/broken home that I was raised in. The total opposite of attachment parenting, I was a latch key kid and free to binge on chocolate and watch MTV and Nickelodeon after school. No after school activities were planned for me and no summer camps or programs. What else are kids going to do then with no supervision?! I am just appalled at how I was parented when I think about it sometimes. And I’m so glad parenting has shifted a great deal in the last 38 years.

    • “And I’m so glad parenting has shifted a great deal in the last 38 years.” As am I, Sahmpaw!

      The commonality between intrusive thoughts isn’t so much the theme as the recognition that they result from unattended anxiety. So the three steps that I enumerate above would apply to all of the obsessions that you’ve described.

  • Sarah

    I have been having this issue as well. I have been having obsessional intrusive thoughts for roughly the past four months and this one just this week popped into my head because of something that I saw on tv. I have always been attracted to men and never thought of women in a sexual way. I kissed a girl a few years ago, just because it was a bet, and I remember not really liking it and thinking ok this isn’t for me, but now my brain is playing tricks on me and is trying to convince me that I did actually like it. This article helped me to see that this really isn’t the case and that it is my brain trying to cover up other feelings. I am in a relationship with one of the most wonderful guys I have ever met and I would really like thoughts like this to go away. I just wanted to thank you for writing this article, it has given me a little glimmer of hope. I am registered for your next open hearts course, I was wondering if this course could help with thoughts like this. Thanks again for the article.

  • Me myself and I

    patricia,

    it sounds like you are checking yourself when you are looking at random people to ascertain whether you are gay or bi. gender is a social construct and masculinity and femininity exist in all of us. we can say we prefer femininity but there are many women who possess masculine sides just as there are men who possess feminine sides. it’s just the energy we are born with. so there is nothing unusual or abnormal for a lesbian to find masculine qualities in a woman attractive.

    • Patricia

      Yes Me Myself and I ,
      I kinda know where u coming from.
      I have been having baddd anxiety over a dream i had makig out wit a dude which is not something i wana do .
      Soo i started thinking how i used to talk to guys bfore n now im a lesbuan n wasnt into guys anymore . Idkk wat to do this thoughts are killing me sometimes i dnt care abt it but then im freakn out now because i dnt wna hurt my gf! :'( i love her

  • Rebecca

    I read somewhere that sexual orientation is not the same as relationship orientation, and it makes sense to think of it this way. If you were gay, you would picture yourself marrying the same sex and being with the same sex the same way you are with your fiance/partner. This is something that has helped me to realize that yes, I may feel sexual attraction toward the same sex on occasion, and it freaks me out, but at the end of the day on an emotional level I want to be with my husband. Sexuality is sexuality, it’s primal and hormonal, and it doesn’t necessarily have a lot to do with relationship orientation. Thinking of cuddling with a girl grosses me out. It helps me to distinguish the two. Hope this helps someone!

    • D

      Oh my that does help me out. I have been having a problem lately thinking I’m straight. And my mind would throw out evidence like how I do find some men attractive and how I wonder what it’s like to have sex with one. I’ve never been with a man ever. i’ve always been with girls. And the relationships always ended badly or I’ve been treated horribly. but i’m with this girl now who treats me right and this is the first time now that all these thoughts are piling into my head. I honestly don’t know what to do

      • Me Myself and I

        D, I can relate and when you get to the bottom of it all, your great relationship with your new girl is based on her personhood and not her gender. It’s based on her gender neutral qualities, her essence. Of course, physicality doesn’t hurt int he beginning but after a while, what’s physical becomes essence. Love cannot sustain physical to physical bonding. It needs essence to essence bonding to sustain itself. I find the more we grow, the more we can look back at our own mistakes and realize why those previous relationships were more physical to physical bonding or pursuer/distancer dynamics that weren’t serving our hearts or our true selves. When we learn to live in our hearts, we learn to love–all of which is a process of self work that we begin with by having the daily courage to start each day over again and practicing to open our hearts.

  • Celsee

    I just want to say that I suffered from this for a few years and it was pure hell. I never thought it would go away, but I was determined to work through it. I went to counseling and finally tried some medication and it jump started the process. Now I’m off the medication and it’s been about a year since I’ve struggled with it. I just want to tell those of you who are still struggling that it is possible to beat it, and it’s true that it’s a thought preventing you from feeling something, just something for your anxiety to grab onto. I never thought I could beat it and I did and you can too. It’s about being comfortable with uncertainty. You will never have the complete right answer and you’ll learn to be okay with it.