The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome: Part 2

I had a client last year who, in her own words, suffered terribly from the grass is always greener syndrome. She had initially called me about two months before her wedding and couldn’t stop crying throughout her session because she was so tortured by the thought that she was making a mistake. She had been with her fiance for about five years but had struggled almost from the beginning with wondering if she was with the “right” man.

At the root of the problem was her inability to let go of an ex-boyfriend. I’m not sure I can even qualify this other man as a boyfriend as he never fully committed to her. In fact, from the beginning, he frequently had another woman on the side. He lied to her, cheated on her, and was, in a word, a jerk. And even though she knew that he wasn’t a good partner and that he would only bring her misery, even though he had broken her trust and her heart repeatedly, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Sure, he was witty and smart, but that wasn’t what hooked her. The hook was the sex.

She had had great sex with him and had never experienced the equivalent with her husband. And although we talked repeatedly about the theory that great sex often comes at a great cost when it’s with someone who’s unavailable and that, in fact, great sex if often the result of being with someone who’s unavailable, she couldn’t cut the ties with this other guy and give her husband a chance. And the truth is that she had never given her husband a fair shot. From the beginning, her heart and mind and body were still attached (addicted to) the jerk. Equating sex with love, she was completely convinced that she would never feel in love with her husband.

Let me paint the picture of each guy:

Jerk:

Cheater, liar, obsessed with sex, never able to commit to her, broke her heart repeatedly, still contacts her and flirts with her even though they’re both married

Husband:

Responsible, kind, honest, loves her completely, willing to work on their relationship, funny, sweet, sensitive, creative, romantic, stable profession, salt of the earth

Hmmm…

Her situation was frustrating, to say the least. Here she was, married to a wonderful man, and she couldn’t see the forest for the trees; she only had sights for the jerk. And not only was she with a great guy, they lived in a picturesque town, both had stable jobs, enjoyed spending time together, laughed a lot, had similar interests, and were truly fond of each other. But as long as she as hooked on the other guy, she wasn’t allowing herself even the chance to fall in love with her husband and embrace their lovely life. She wasn’t present to her life at all and, as a result, the beauty of it was passing her by.

Then, for a brief window of time, she was blessed with a reprieve. For three days, the film of the other guy was peeled away and she truly saw her life as it was. Gratitude replaced the negative script. She realized how lucky she was to be married to such a great guy and to be living this charmed life. For the first time in years, she felt happy. It was as if the duality of the grass is always greener syndrome merged into a single vision, allowing her to be present and to see, really see, the life she was living.

And then, as quickly as it opened, the window shut. She was back to ruminating about the other guy, back to nit-picking her husband, back to crafting escape fantasies for how she could remove herself from her marriage. Back to avoiding the core feelings that were contributing to her grass is always greener syndrome: the grief of letting go of being single, the fear of growing up fully into adulthood, the uncertainty that precedes the acceptance that life is mysterious and without certainties or guarantees, the fear of allowing herself to surrender into the intimacy that her husband was offering, the refusal to take responsibility for her feelings, whether of grief and loss, her sexuality or her fear.

Is it possible that, as she constantly agonized over, she just didn’t love her husband and never would? Of course it’s possible, but it’s not likely. And she would never find out the truth as long as she remained obsessed with the jerk. Something in her was drawn to her husband from the beginning. In fact, she was the one who spotted him across the room, thought he was cute, and moved toward him. Something inside of her was attracted to his goodness and his capacity for commitment and real love. I would venture to say that it was something healthy inside of her that was drawn to a healthy man and something unhealthy that was drawn to a healthy man. But no matter how many times we discussed it, she would still come back to the same question: maybe I just don’t love my husband.

Happily, most of my clients are able to work through the issues that prevent them from embracing their partner and their life. They’re able to address the fear, process the grief, and ultimately take responsibility for the thoughts that are creating their anxiety and causing them to project the negativity onto their partner. It takes a lot of work, but the efforts are well worth it because they inevitably are able to embrace the goodness and blessings of the life they’re living. As for this client, the outcome remains to be seen. I can only hope that through a commitment to a process of self-responsibility and the gift of grace she’ll be able to appreciate the wonderful man and potential for a great marriage that stand before her.

34 comments to The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome: Part 2

  • PJ

    This is a great article. I’m technically going through the same thing right now from a guys point of view. I’m engaged, and have a wonderful girl, but its like I don’t wanna realize that. I project negative “hate” type thoughts onto her for no good reason. I really don’t have any past thoughts about old relationships, cause this is the longest one I’ve ever been in, and its an egagement. Prior to this, the longest relationship I was ever in was 6 months, but I’ve always had the desire to wanna settle down and get married. I had been a player and “male” w!@#e basically my whole life, and now that I’m engaged, maybe I’m projecting these thoughts onto my fiance because I never really respected women at all in the past, cause I was too afraid to get denied. Anyways, I’m battling the inner arguments right now that “I hate my fiance” and “your past girl interests had traits like sarcasm, wittyness, smarts, and your current one doesn’t” Almost like I’m looking for reasons and looking at the negatives instead of the positives. And then I go a step further and say “oh my god, are our kids gonna be like this, etc?” Anyways, great article, and can relate from a guys point of view.

    • admin

      Thanks for chiming in from the guy’s point of view. It’s really the same issues that arise for men and women and it’s always one person in the relationship who’s challenged by the difficult aspects of the relationship. I look forward to hearing from more men on this site.

  • PJ

    Thanks! Would you designate these thoughts as extreme and maybe a sign that I’m making a mistake? I guess, the thought is that if I was with the right person, I wouldn’t be having these type of thoughts at all, and it would come naturally and easy.

  • admin

    That’s always the thought: that if you were with the “right” person you wouldn’t be having these thoughts. I can tell you with 100% certainty (since I know a bit more about your relationship) that you would be having these thoughts no matter who you were with. The thoughts live inside YOU and are activated by the commitment of marriage. They have nothing to do with your partner and as long as you believe that you’ll be stuck as a victim to the thoughts instead of proactively working to understand and transform them.

  • Maya

    Hello! I just wanted to chime in because to me this seems like OCD relationship substantiation obsession. When I went through this kind of anxiety in engagement and early marriage, I grew a lot spiritually and mentally by taking the conscious approach to understanding it, but I really did not get my normal life back until I began to attack the obsession with cognitive behavioral therapy. It didn’t matter how much I understand how illogical my obsession was, because the way my brain was functioning when it came to the obsession was not at all logical, such is the nature of OCD. So, every time I seemed to get better I would eventually fall back again. In fact, reassuring myself that everything was great only served to fuel the disease. My favorite point that you make is that anything is “possible” even if it is not likely. Once you are able to understand that you will never achieve true certainty, you slowly become used to the anxiety you feel and you stop searching for the answer, but this requires a ton of discipline and work in the proper therapy. I am thriving now for some time, and at the core of my success was understanding fully that it was my choice to remain with my husband regardless of justification. Every day I make the choice and this is what defines me. I strongly feel that OCD therapy would be helpful for this client and perhaps many of your clients who seem stunted in working through these issues.

  • Roxanne

    Very interesting article. Was there a Part I to this?

    I seem to be going through something very similar to the client in the article, however, I do not obsess over anyone–there is no ex that I am thinking about in particular (although, there was better sex prior to my husband and I have thought about that) but there is no person in particular that I keep thinking about. I just keep obsessing over whether or not I made the right choice to get married. I did struggle with anxiety around getting engaged, but I knew that I wanted to get engaged to him–he has “most” of the qualities that I ever wanted in a man–honesty, loyal, smart, handsome, sensitive, adventurous–maybe not as tall as I envisioned, but that is not important! Although I know all of these things, and love all of those qualities, I still obsess…what if I made a mistake? What if we have to get a divorce? Sometimes I’ll battle myself in my head thinking “I love him.” Then I’ll say “I don’t love him” but I know that I DO LOVE HIM!! It is awful and mentally exhausting. It usually happens at night when I lay down to go to sleep. Then I end up feeling guilty because he were are spooning in bed and I’m having awful thoughts. I tell myself to “control your thinking” stop the negative thoughts! But it is much easier said than done. Similar to the client in the article, just when I feel all is ok and I’m not feeling anxious anymore, it will come back…it’s almost as if I’m testing myself for some reason. I just don’t understand it. All I want is to feel happy!! That is truly all I want. I know what a good man I have–why can’t my thoughts and feelings reflect that?

  • PJ

    Thanks Maya, well written. I’m sure I have a little bit of OCD, I definitely know I obsess, and OCD, worryness, paranoia, and irritability runs in the family. In layman’s terms, and after reading my initial post, are you saying that the therapy needed is just understanding and taking responsibility for my choice? Sorry, remember your speaking to a guy here, ha :). If it doesn’t revolve around sports, and food, sometimes its hard to grasp what you really want to say?

  • PJ

    Roxanne, I’m pretty much in the exact same boat you are from a guys point of view. My thoughts go a little further sometimes because the word “hate” enters the mind, even though I know I don’t “hate” her or anyone really for that matter. But maybe the thoughts are a tad more extreme in my mind cause I let them be, or maybe its cause I’m a guy and guys can tend to be more intense and serious. But I’m having a difficult time too, but its gotten a lot better than it was about 1 month after the engagement. I’ve been engaged a few months now, and its gradually gotten better, but still comes back here and there and yes its exhausting.

  • Roxanne

    Maya-

    I loved what you said; “and at the core of my success was understanding fully that it was my choice to remain with my husband regardless of justification. Every day I make the choice and this is what defines me.”

    This idea helps me too…I tell myself that I am making a choice. It is my choice, I have the control…not the negative thoughts/feelings. I still wonder though, what if the thoughts/feelings are true and I’m just ignoring them? There are times when I feel perfectly happy and content in my marriage and this is what confuses me the most. How can these two feelings exist simultaneously? How can I feel happy/content for a few weeks then sad/depressed/anxious for the next few weeks? It is confusing and difficult to deal with. It always goes away–but it always comes back. I’d like to proceed with my marriage and life full of happiness and stop the negativity already!!!! How did you cope with the negative feelings when they cropped up? I find it hard to “act like myself” when the feelings come up. Sometimes, I don’t want to acknowledge them at all as it only feeds the fire–but then I feel like I can’t act “normal” around my husband because inside my head, there are all sorts of negative thoughts swimming around. How can I act loving when I am thinking negatively? Any tips?

    Thank you!

  • Maya

    PJ, I don’t know if you have OCD or not, I was actually just responding to the original post, but here is a great site http://www.theotherocd.com that has info and resources for OCD treatment. It’s definitely a possibility worth exploring for anyone dealing with relationship anxiety. And it’s so much more common than you realize.

    I don’t mean to hijack this post but I feel very strongly about this issue 🙂

  • Maya

    Roxanne, it’s more complicated than I can ever explain here and I am not sure that this is the correct forum for this discussion, but, you will get to a point where you can simply stop trying to control your thoughts and feelings and just let them be there. Whether you realize it or not, you ARE proceeding with your life and your marriage, it doesn’t matter what is going on in your brain, you are in the driver’s seat. You have to have that attitude about it. The way you act lovingly when you think negatively is deceptively simple: you just do it. Hope that helps.

  • Roxanne

    Maya-

    I just visited the site you provided above and read Kelly’s story–I am literally blown away. Kelly’s story could have been my own word for word. I cannot get over how similar the story is!!!! It does make me feel better to know that there is a “label” for what I seem to have and that I am not crazy! Now I just need to know what to do to move forward. Did you seek help via the OCD website? I just feel like if “Kelly” was able to move on and forward despite the negativity/obsession–so can I!!

    Thank you for the site–you just provided me with great relief…which I am sure will be temporary! Thank you though. Are you still seeking help?

  • Roxanne

    Maya-

    Sorry to be a stalker-!! But as you mentioned above, this probably isn’t the place to be having a deep discussion. Would you care to email back and forth or IM chat?

    Thanks!!

  • Maya

    Hi Roxanne, sorry but I’m not sure how to contact you, as I don’t want to put my email up here, do you have any ideas? I feel bad about taking over the comments like this, sorry, Sheryl! Kelly’s story is my own, too. I sought help through http://www.ocdonline.com, they have great specialists and are very familiar with this issue.

  • admin

    Maya – Thank you VERY much for bringing this information to my attention again. Last time you mentioned it to me I wasn’t in the space to take the time to read about it thoroughly. I’ve just spent some time on the site and it looks like excellent information. In fact, it’s very similar to the work I do with Inner Bonding as well as the information on this site and on my Conscious Weddings site. But I can see that they offer techniques specific to ROCD and I look forward to educating myself further about it.

    As far as connecting with Roxanne, if you both email me directly I can connect you with each other.

    Sheryl

  • PJ

    Thank you all for responding. The site was helpful. It does seem with relationship anxiety; anxiety, obsession, compulsiveness, and a little depression are all intertwined in the development of a lot of these thoughts. Sheryl does a really good job in relating her articles to real life thoughts and experiences. Can’t tell you how wonderful and helpful her site has been. The thoughts can obviously be exhuasting and attempt to convince you to bail on the relationship/engagement, but I’ve stuck it out and will continue to fight through it.

  • Maya

    Sheryl, I am so glad you appreciate it. As I’m sure you have seen there are some people whose anxiety goes beyond what is “normal” and it’s unfortunately not their fault nor is it something that responds long-term to any amount of rationalization or reassurance. I try to spread the word about ROCD because it’s a really taboo and poorly understood OCD theme, but it’s also so highly treatable that no one should have to suffer with it.

  • Roxanne

    Maya- I completely understand about not wanting to post your email on the blog for all to see. If I email Sheryl with my information and she passes it along to you, would you be interested in emailing? I feel as if I could learn a lot from your experience as we both share “Kelly’s story.” Let me know, if not, I totally understand. Thanks again!

  • admin

    Yes, there are certainly people who’s anxiety goes beyond what’s normal during transitions. I’ve found that usually these are the people that have suffered through anxiety their whole lives, that describe themselves as perfectionists, constant worriers, always looking at the glass half empty, etc. It’s great to have another resource that can help them – and help me help my clients. Thanks again –

  • admin

    Roxanne – Maya has already emailed me and is happy to connect with you. Please email me and I’ll connect the two of you. Sheryl

  • Roxanne

    Thank you Sheryl. I just emailed you.

  • Erin

    Thank you so much for this post!! It definitely parallels my experience as well.

    My first love was a very happy happy one, and definitely an instense sexual and infatuous relationship as well. I thought we would be married and “live happily ever after”. After a year of dating, I found out he had lied to me about having a college degree (he never went to colege). The entire relationship was changed. Every conversation or experience I had with him was based on lies and deceit.

    Since then, I’ve had the microscope on every guy I’ve been with, often times breaking up quickly to avoid getting hurt again.

    I was engaged a couple weeks ago to a man who very much fits the “husband” description of your post.

    I have anxious thoughts of whether or not I love him as much as my first love (the “jerk”) and, if I don’t, should I really be getting married? He possesses all the traits I’d ever want in a husband, is my best friend and sanctuary, and we do have a good physical relationship. But I find myself obsessively comparing the two relationships, and letting fear hold me back.

    Thank you for your amazing book, blog and YouTube channel. You’ve given me such comfort and relief already!

    • admin

      Hi Erin – You’re so welcome; I’m so glad you found your way here. It sounds like you’re with a wonderful man and are committed to work with the fear effectively. It’s definitely a process- but a worthy one.

  • […] For the rest of this blog and more great posts on marriage advice, click here to go to the Conscious Weddings website. […]

  • Janelle

    i have been married for a month now and all of my “crazies” have came back from my engagement. I’m wondering if I too, am just obsessing about the fears and that’s why they are not going away. I’m curious about the OCD stuff…where is kelly’s story listed on the website? i can’t find it! thanks!

  • admin

    Janelle – You can find Kelly’s story under “Individual Stories” on the side bar of this site: http://www.theotherocd.com/

  • Dawn

    This has all been quite helpful, but still scary for me. In my situation, recently engaged for a month now. He’s a great guy, has all the traits as illustrated above in the article of the healthy potential husband. After the engagement, I went in full panic mode. I cried for several days, saying to myself I can’t do this….I don’t think he’s right for me. I would constantly compare my ex (jerk) looks to my fiance. I would compare my fiance to other men that were more attractive physically. My running doubt is on a physical flaw that I can’t get out of my mind. This became worse after the engagement. I would keep obsessing that I can find a better looking man, but then I take the risk of not finding a great man like him again. Someone who I share alot of common interests, goals, faith, family etc. I am so focused on perfection and has convinced myself that due to this, I am no longer attracted to him. Am i making a mistake. Is this normal? I have def struggled with anxiety all my life and the perfectionist thinking.

  • Ruth

    I am so glad I found this post. Maya, thank you SO MUCH for that link. I read Sheryl’s blog from time to time and it’s extremely helpful, interesting and thought provoking, but now in a moment of clarity after reading Kelly’s story I’ve realized that I have ROCD. I was actually rather grudgingly diagnosed by my family doc as having ‘mild OCD’ earlier this year (she wasn’t convinced because I am very obsessional and don’t have a compulsion – and now I know why) but I never saw my relationship anxiety issues as being a symptom until now.

    Kelly’s story actually managed to give me a good laugh (worrying about my partner not playing the piano is exactly something I would do, but reading it made me see how hilariously absurd it is!). I’ve now decided I am going to look into CBT, which I have not done up til now.

  • Tyler

    I unfortunately am on the receiving end of something similar to this at the moment. My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married 2(currently 24/25). We are high school sweethearts and are from the same hometown and church. We have a picture perfect life. Good loving families/good jobs/new house/new cars/exotic vacations/loving dog/basically anything we want when we want it. We are very supportive and loving of each other and treat each other right. We are both physically fit and attractive with a good sex life.

    My wife recently blindsided me with a similar feeling of not being “in love” with me anymore. She said that for roughly the past 6 months she has not been happy with our now seemingly normal lives. She feels like Im more of a big brother than a lover. I explained that the now adult lifestyle we live sometimes takes away from that new love feeling and it becomes more routine. We still go out with friends and each other but apparently thats not good enough.

    She said she feels like she missed out on the wild party scene that college holds for some. We experienced that but did so together. The unfortunate part is that even though we are young most of our friends are married or in the process of getting married. Those who are single seem desperate to find someone.

    She also noted she wants to be more independant and do what she wants when she wants and not have to worry about me. She thinks there might be someone(although she swears noone in particular) out there for her besides me.

    This is all such a shock as we were just talking kids as the next step less than 2 months ago. She has always wanted them and I told her to wait until we get more stable financially and settle into married life. Now I though we were finally ready for them and this hits. Its like someone flipped a switch and turned everything we have upside down.

    My belief is that love is what you make it. She was not made for me and I was not for her but we decided that we wanted to be together and in love. It seems the people who loose this are in a abusive or one sided relationship. We are neither of those. I just beleive it to be a lack of judgement and mindset(taking those commitments and vows we said at the alter as a serious thing).

    It scares me that she thinks there is just someone else out there. Sure initially it may seem that way but I think she will find the exact same path she is in now only not before loosing everything in the process.

    I also contribute some of it to growing up and being scared to do so. She mentioned family fears(parents getting old etc) and has always been a home body. Maybe the realization that we do have more responsibilities to each other and our lives has her spooked and wanting out. Its unfortunate though that there is no out. All that will come of it is loosing the one person who would have otherwise been there with her for it every step of the way.

    Lastly I think that she is just so comfortable with all the stability we have that she doesnt know what she stands to loose. We have been together 9 years solid and during that I have never treated her badly/never neglected her needs/always bought her whatever she wants/helped with household items/etc. Maybe if she knew what it was like to not have that she would realize it.

    She is everything to me. My love and my life. I would do anything for her but I cannot support her need to go out and experience other men and if it doesnt work come back to me. At the same time it breaks my heart(more so that it is already) to think of her alone and scared or with someone who doesnt treat her right. I literally have given her everything I can and am out of options.

    I have mentioned marriage theropy or talking with our parents for advise but she doesnt want either. It appears she has her mind made up and doesnt seem to budge yet is still confused if she is ready to jump.

    Needless to say I am at a total loss. To get everything you have ever wanted by 25 and then loose it all at the same age is pretty earth shattering. I honestly dont know how anyone can make it if we cant. All the odds are in our favor but it goes to show that it all goes out the window with one sidetracked though.

  • admin

    Hi Tyler – I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Unfortunately, it’s all too common for people to say, “I’m just not in love anymore,” and use that as a reason to leave a perfectly good relationship. If your wife does leave, she will find herself in the exact same boat with another guy, and I’m sure will regret leaving you. It’s clear that you truly love her and that you have a solid understanding about what real love is. She needs to learn the same. Is she open to learning about this? Can you direct her here and ask her to read a few targeted posts? Would she be willing to have just one counseling session?

  • Livia

    I know I’m two years late on commenting on this post but I just recently found this website in the midst of my engagement anxiety and thought I should start from earlier posts and work my way up. I see a lot of myself in this post as well as part 1 of “the grass is always greener syndrome.” When I met my fiance it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was going to marry him. He had so many of the qualities I was looking for in a husband: loving, caring, calm, good with kids, always willing to stand by me no matter what, handsome, we shared the same values and had *similar* (not totally the same) upbringings etc. Not only that but my parents ADORED him (which was really important to me) and after we got engaged my mom would say “its a good thing you snatched him up before someone else did” which I had always thought myself. After the engagement bliss wore off boy did things change. I found myself analyzing other peoples relationships and always thought that they were better than mine. I saw my single girlfriends dating and having a good old time just being single. Being only 19, I wondered if I would miss all that later in life and it would be harmful to my marriage. I had dated about 3 guys previously but only 1 was semi-serious and I wondered if I was too “inexperienced” to be married. Which is funny because of my religious beliefs I strongly believe that dating is meant to lead to marriage and is not supposed to be a super casual thing, so I was confused as to why I suddenly had the desire to date around. And probably the most harmful thing was pining over an ex-boyfriend (if you can call him that). this guy was 3 years older than me, attractive, going into the army (gotta love a man in uniform), and a known womanizer. I found myself drawn to his half bad guy half good guy image and we started to “hang out.” Of course he never really committed to me, he would say “well, I am leaving for the army so we can’t get serious” and “you are too young for me right now but you know, when I get back from basic training maybe we can try this thing out.” Almost like he was telling me he didn’t want to be with me but then he would continue to contact me and flirt and basically lead me on. Not only that but he had a string of ex girlfriends and was known for breaking hearts. After I got engaged I was suddenly curious as to whether or not this guy was still around and whether or not I gave him a good enough chance. I also found myself hoping he had matured and was ready to give a relationship a try. WHILE I WAS ENGAGED. I was so stupid. I have since realized that its my fiance who I am not giving a fair chance to. He is every girls dream and I have not appreciated him enough. I need to stop looking at other situations as the “perfect life” because nothing is perfect.

  • Jessa

    Lovely article. Great read. Because this woman seems to be going through what I am. Only I am not engaged. I recently when through a breakup with a guy, and got back together with him after a few weeks. The problem was completely my own, I have OCD (which led to me finding this, a friend gave it to me), and it causes me to obsess abut my relationship. Now this is my first love, I could careless this man has always been amazing even though I’ve said some awful things about him because my OCD calls for perfection and whenever he didn’t pass or disagreed with changing for me causes me to feel I can’t love him.

    Now, when he was gone, i missed him, and was so in love, I told him I loved him because i CHOSE too not because I felt it. I will admit having been together since we were teens, when I was a teenager up to recently I was more infatuated and silly. Hooked on soulmate and what not. That’s how i won him back by getting him to see he had a choice.

    Everyone says he’s not right for me. But I always disagreed and didn’t listen because I was the one who caused all our problems. The times he hurt me was because I started it and it was him trying to just be himself and not feel trapped at times. I try and find the reasons for my fear behind all this, I know part of it is abandonment, feeling that I’d be better on my own, i won’t be able to accomplish my dreams, that I really don’t love him and may never. I nit-pick at him.

    I can’t even remember the good things. It’s like a barrier. I know he accepts me the way I am, he encourages me to achieve my dreams and goals, he’s working to be an engineer and have a stable career. They say the reasons I’m still here is because I really want to be with him and the reason all these thoughts upset me is because of that. We been together for years, I always wanted to marry this guy. We even had a casual conversation of possible future childrens names and I was happy to discuss it. We both have similar interests, we’ve always gotten along, I’ve always loved his attention and being held by him and ALWAYS felt safe.

    But my OCD causes me to have trust issues and intrusive thoughts over and over. Plus I live with a family who believes I should be with another. I’m very anti-social where he isn’t but this was caused by bullying in school. And everything that’s different about him causes me to reflect on us.

    I know DEEP DEEP DEEP down I love this man. Or else I wouldn’t be trying to find an answer but even that seems like a lying and that i’m just telling myself all this crap. I can’t bring it back to the surface. I worry about the future contiously even though I can picture happy moments with him in the future before they are ruined by my broken record of a brain. He’s an amazing guy and I’m lucky to have him. But how can I live with these thoughts day in and day out for the rest of my life with him? They say those who’ve had abuse in their life tend too cling to men they feel will give them what they want, yes I want to be loved, but to me I just want to love this man I could careless about how he felt in return.

    I obsess whether I care for him. Even though when I see him down, i always ask whats wrong and try my best to cheer him up, I’m always asking about his work and how his days are, I’m concerned if I think he’s sick or hurt. I’m proud of him when he achieves something.

    Weeks ago I called him my best friend. Because in a way he is. But this makes me hate myself and this nagging feeling and discomfort and distress just won’t go away! This is the man I chose as a man, and I will use a wolf reference for this, I believe in mating for life. I try and look at this as like an arranged marriage, where they base relationship on trust, respect and commitment and such. Like i want too.

    Does that say a lot? Hell I even bother to look up recipes I think he will like because I always wanted to be able too cook for him properly. I also obsess about whether I was just desperate for him, and didn’t want to be alone even though my brain tells me that I would be fine without him. He’s my knight. I don’t want to give that up. I want to be there for him, to love him. I could careless if I am loved.

  • MM

    Sheryl-

    Can someone really just “fall out of love?” In the article you say it’s possible that this client may have just not loved her husband. The past two days, I’ve been feeling down, and I just worry that this situation of just “not loving” is me. Any insight would be appreciated.

    • The truth is that we fall in and out of love all the time. If you’re not feeling connected to your partner the first place to look is inside yourself and ask, “Am I feeling disconnected from myself?”