When You're Still Not Attracted To Your Partner

IMG_2496There are so many facets and layers to the issue of being attracted or not attracted to your partner. Taken at face value, our culture heaves a collective inhale of shock to hear that someone may not be attracted to their partner. In an image-addicted culture that places physical beauty on a pedestal of epic height, that reveres the “beautiful people” and generates billions of dollars attempting to convince us that we need to remain ageless and flawless (Wrinkles? Here’s Botox; Cellulite? Get to the gym!; Pale skin? Time to hit the tanning salon), it’s no surprise that the first question people ask when you meet someone new is, “Is he/she cute?” Consequently, when someone expresses lack of attraction the immediate solution is to leave.

There are so many problems with our cultural response to lack of attraction. I’ve written about some of them here, but inspired by a session that I recently had  with one of my very wise and archetypally plugged in clients who often seems to speak right to the heart of the matter, I’d like to elucidate one of the most basic principles behind not feeling attracted to your partner. This client has been married for two months and the lack of attraction issue was the primary hat onto which she hung her pre-wedding anxiety. We worked together for several months before her wedding, she dove head first into my e-course, and she’s made tremendous strides in her personal growth and healing, including not thinking much about whether or not she was attracted to her husband but just enjoying their sweet and loving connection much of the time. So when the attraction issue reared its head a couple of weeks ago, she felt disappointed and defeated.

“I thought I had dealt with that issue,” she said.

“Well, what I’m about to say may spike you or reassure you. You’re going to deal with this issue periodically for many years to come and here’s why: Lack of attraction is your signal that there’s something off inside of you. If you understand that your partner is a screen onto which you project what’s happening inside of you – both positive and negative – then you’ll see that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you. He’s the projection screen so that you can easily see what you’re not attending to. You should actually be thanking him for showing him what’s inside of you! So how have you been feeling lately?”

“Pretty awful. I’ve been irritable with everyone, actually. I haven’t wanted to speak with my friends or go to work. And I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to living together. I liked living alone and now suddenly there’s someone here all the time.”

We discussed how she’s in her first year of marriage and in the thick of the transition of letting go of being single and adjusting to married life. We talked about how she’s on the other side of the three-stage transition process, which means that there’s something new inside of her that is longing to be born.

“It’s a lot easier to focus on what I don’t like about him than it is to birth this new aspect of myself – to connect with my own creativity,” she shared with great honesty and insight. “Just a couple of weeks ago I felt such a sweet magic with him. So I know it can’t be him; it’s me.”

And that’s just it: There are myriad ways that we can avoid ourselves and distract from the painful and scary work of birthing the next stage of our growth. We can spin on the hamster wheel of intrusive thoughts; we can indulge in the fantasy of the Perfect Partner;  we can project onto our current partner and convince ourselves that we’re not attracted enough, in love enough, or connected enough. Supported by a culture that fails to understand relationship anxiety and staunchly defends its position that doubt means don’t and lack of attraction is a sign that it’s time to leave, it’s easy to believe that these defense mechanisms are actually indicators that you’re with the “wrong” partner. Yet when the fear-walls fall away and you see the beautiful essence of the person standing before you, the person with whom you share something so special that you can’t walk away, it’s time to turn the projection screen back to face you and find the courage and commitment to turn inside to explore the places that need attention. As often happens, when you connect back in and show up for yourself in loving ways, the fear eyes turn to clear eyes, your perception shifts, and you find the real connection that was waiting there along.

***

Session excerpts published with permission from my client.

40 comments to When You’re Still Not Attracted To Your Partner

  • Betsy

    Beautiful, as always! One thing I’ve also realized is that when there are times I am connected to myself but my partner isn’t connected to himself, it’s harder to share a mutual connection or to feel attracted! So, I speak up kindly and say “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit distant lately. Is there something I can help with or do you just need time?” Most of the time it’s a small thing with work or family that he just hasn’t expressed. Once he manages his own inner world, we are back to being connected again (as long as I’m still connected to myself, of course)!

    The best thing is that when I’m connected to myself, I can manage the world’s (and my partner’s lack of connection in those moments) from a much healthier place. I am more compassionate, patient, tolerant, and caring. Imagine a world where everyone worked to be connected to their healthy core self!

    • It’s so strange that you wrote that, Betsy, because when I emailed my client asking for her permission she wrote back almost the exact same thing! I was going to add it to the article, but I’m so glad you’re bringing this up here. YES. When your partner is disconnected from himself it’s hard to feel attracted to him and share a mutual connection. Your response is so loving – such a loving way to bring his disconnection to his attention. Thank you!

    • Sarah

      I love what you wrote Betsy! My husband and I will often say, “You seem upset/down/etc” and I love the curiosity and gentleness such inquiries invoke. It’s so different than the knee jerk, “what are you so upset about?” that puts you both in defensive mode. It’s not always easy to move toward someone you are feeling disconnected from, but doing so with curiosity always seems to have great rewards both in myself and my relationship!

  • happilyeverafter

    (i posted this comment today in an older blog but thought it would be good to post it here as well since its newer)

    Hi everyone!
    I’m not sure if anyone will even see this comment but I need some advice regarding this topic and i figured this post would be the best place to comment on for advice.
    “It’s normal to fantasize about other people.
    It’s normal to fantasize about the same sex even if your preference is the opposite sex. This doesn’t mean that you’re gay or that there’s a problem with your sexuality”

    Those two quotes spike my anxiety a lot because i’ve been struggling with hOCD for a while now as well as rOCD. But the hOCD has become the louder noise lately.
    I wonder if anyone can help me

    So my anxiety right now is based around “what if i’m lesbian”
    I know for a fact I am straight, i’ve only ever dated and been interested in men. When i was young i experienced a little bit with my best friend, nothing very sexual, no kissing or anything just rubbing(I’m sorry if this is too much info) but even after that experience i never pursued women. It didn’t appeal to me.
    But as i got older and was introduced to porn, I found out i liked lesbian porn a lot better and never until recently i started questioning why i was watching it and not straight porn. Then obviously the question popped up “what if im lesbian” “i must be lesbian if i prefer lesbian porn over any other”

    ever since then i have never been able to get a clear picture as to what my sexuality is even though i only want to be with a man. I can never see myself with a women especially in a relationship.

    So not only is my anxiety crippling me, but i also have the question as to why i enjoy watching lesbian porn so much more?

    i really hope someone can answer me and give me there insight. I wonder if any one else is experiencing this or something close to the same experience!

    Thank you 🙂

    • treehare

      happilyeverafter,

      Don’t worry at all!

      Lesbian porn is meant to appeal to women, whereas heterosexual porn is generally meant to appeal to men. Therefore, it’s totally natural and even expected that you’d prefer it! I like to think of it as more focused on the woman’s pleasure. It’s more emotional, intimate, caring, and gentle, all of which are aspects of sex that any straight woman could desire in her own sex life.

      I have felt the same way as you in the past, until I came across several straight women who agreed that they also prefer lesbian porn, but can’t imagine being physically intimate with a woman. I feel that if you were a lesbian you would feel an undeniable physical and emotional attraction to women. Since this doesn’t seem to be the case for you, I am 100% certain you have nothing to worry about 🙂

      I hope this helped!

    • Patricia

      Happilyeverafter
      I don’t think is a big deal. I am a lesbian myself ! All i can ever watch is heterosexual porn ,also to me lesbian porn is too boring. 🙂
      Hehe if that makes you feel better.

  • Kiyomi

    lovely and wonderful as always 🙂

  • LittleAnxious

    Another beautiful post Sheryl, I was hoping you would put up a new one today. I am on of the “do I love him enough?” people…and it really plagues me from time to time. I went to my therapist today and like your client, I even said to her “I thought I had dealt with this already”. I feel like I don’t even know what true love is anymore (I say true, because I will not fall into the Hollywood version). I believe that love starts as a feeling, but in the end you choose to love that person. I choose to love my fiance, but I have a hard time with intimacy and I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel that love. I sometimes get that warm feeling inside, but no way near as often as I would like. I’m trying to see what is off with me as you asked your client…My fiance and I just bought a house, we are about the send out our wedding invitations, and we are getting married in 3 months…the anxiety started to settle in at our closing. It has come and gone since then (about a month ago) but has been showing up more so now. My fear is, that I will always be dealing with this throughout my marriage…bc like I said, I thought I had dealt with this 🙁

    • Anxious too

      I am going through the same thing ( minus the buying the house) and we are gettin married in – year. If you’re on the forum and want to communicate, feel free!

    • Brianna

      Do you feel empty? Like there’s an empty space whet your heart is?

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you so much for this post! The attraction issue has been my issue from the start of my relationship and has sent me down an elaborate path of self discovery and acceptance. I finally accepted the other day that I still have work to do on accepting and loving myself and following my dreams – wedding planning and work burn out created a very stressful environment for me and my creativity and self care paid the price. The attraction issue makes me work harder on myself – much, much harder since I don’t want to be so critical of him all of the time. When I’m happy, I feel happier with him and can see what a sweet and wonderful man he is. Thank you for talking about this, because before I found your site, I felt like I was going crazy!

    • kim

      im the same from the very start attraction was an issue for me too, we were best mates and he fell for me his very attracted to me. but i fell in love with his personality . when im full of anxiety i seem to look at him and judge but then theres days i dont see his looks at all and thats when im most happy .

  • Canuck64

    I have the same fear as LittleAnxious. Will this ever go away or are we plagued with the same struggle for the rest of our married lives?

  • alice

    Littleanxious I am excactly the same! Apart from the wedding and living together haha. I get that loving rush every now and again but I crave it to come back all the time! I also have a hard time with itimacy but sexual intimacy as because I don’t feel this constant love or connection I don’t always or hardly ever want it.

  • Jennifer

    LOL this is so funny and so true. I find when I am under a ton of stress or anxiety NO ONE is attractive to me. Maybe some suave partner who can sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to some island where all my cares and worries will go away and I can just finally be at peace…SO not the case. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and the talk of marriage sends me into a tizzy but I know it is because I believe all good things will end thus it is all me. We have a hard time being aroused or even inspired when the weight of the world is on our shoulders, it tends to make us loose sight of what we have standing before us. Silly thing our lives, we are raised to believe love is completion, love is just always knowing and always being in control and ALWAYS being attracted to our partner, so we leave when those things aren’t there. When I find myself picking at him, I stop and ask myself why, and I usually find something inside I don’t want to face….quite humorous now that I see it…thanks again Sheryl, you have shaken the foundation of what I thought was love and who I am and I love you for it!!!

  • Rosie

    Sheryl this is such important work you are doing. I have been reading around relationship forums and coaching for years; not intending originally to be a relationship coach but people kept asking me for that…….no one else is talking about these elements as clearly and lovingly as you are. Thankyou.

  • Chica21

    Happilyeverafter,
    There are lots of reasons why you might prefer female lesbian porn…for starters the majority of straight porn is based on male fantasy, tends to be very outcome oriented–ie–one must orgasm during inter course or it’s considered unappealing. Also straight porn shows degrading images towards women where it’s about pleasuring the man and doing that jack rabbit pounding aggresive lovemaking that is not necessarily appealing to me when I watch it. Sexuality is fluid and we are all on the spectrum….also your anxiety is likely causing this thought you are having. My best advice is to learn to be accepting of being on the spectrum and understanding that it’s totally healthy normal and real to enjoy lesbian porn. I know lots and lots of straight women who are turned on by it. Maybe you can learn a few tricks from it to teach your future spouse;)

  • Marissa

    Thank you for reminding me how far I have come. I have worked through both of your books and have read your previous posts on this topic. I have struggled only intermittently with this issue with my husband (recently married), but now when I have that feeling, I no longer get anxious about it. I now know that it’s perfectly NORMAL not to feel attracted to your partner sometimes. I am certain that he is not always wanting to jump my bones and knowing this does not make me anxious. I also agree with some previous posts that mention the lack of sexual connection when the heart connection is not there. I think what has helped me through those difficult times – in addition to your amazing work – is being able to normalize these anxiety-induced thoughts by reminding myself that either I am feeling that way because I am projecting, or more simply, because I just not “feeling it” at that moment. Lessening the self-imposed “oughts” from our paradigm is also essential in not freaking out every time you feel something that you “think” you are not supposed to feel. Marriage and love within that context should ideally be able to hold all of this; connection, doubt, being certain and sometimes not.

  • Louisa

    Thank you so much for this article Sheryl, it completely sums up exactly what how I’m feeling at the moment. I’ve been struggling with feeling disconnected with my partner and its triggered the anxiety that I have been all too familiar with for some time now.
    Your article has reminded me to take a step back and notice the extent to which I’m projecting things onto my partner, and for me to do something about it.
    One quote that I really think helps me to do that is ‘look in the mirror, not the magnifying glass’, from the late Susan Jeffers., and your article echoes this……’its time to turn the projection.screen back to you’! It totally makes sense!

    Thank you.
    Have a great day everyone!
    Louisa (England)

  • M.

    I just wanted to share something which might help some people here – I too struggle with the whole attraction thing from time to time, and I know it’s helped me.
    I read somewhere that there are basically two types of sexual desire – spontaneous desire, which basically means just wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive desire, which means wanting sex as a reaction to some sexual stimulus. Now some people supposedly experience little or no spontaneous desire. I suspect this is the case for me, since I never get the urge to just jump my partner’s bones (which many, many times has caused me to ask myself if I’m even atracted to him at all, if I’m a lesbian, if I’m asexual etc.), but I do enjoy sex and experience desire as a reaction to sexual stimuli.
    I still struggle with the concept of “sexual attraction”, I feel like I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced it – I keep questioning my sexual orientation, too, because I find women much more visually pleasing than men (but I’ve always only fallen in love with men) – but this thing about two types of desire takes away at least some pressure. Perhaps it’s the same for some of you people. 🙂

  • Ashley

    Sheryl, I swear that your emails always seem to come at the right time providing me gentle reminders to stay on course. I often find myself in “the throws” of relationship anxiety, and get so worked up that I don’t allow myself to come up for air. Your posts are that much needed air! I too can relate to the attraction issue and find that it truly is projection. I have struggled for many years with an eating disorder that has claimed much of my mental space, and I can see a clear connection between when I am feeling down on myself and when I am not feeling attracted to my partner. It has a lot more to do with the fear wall that I’ve placed and a lot less to do with my partner. I suppose the old cliche about needing to “love yourself before you can love someone else,” holds true. I think I may need to spend some more time the lesson on projection. Thank you again for the inspiration to do this difficult work.

    Ashley

  • Rae

    These posts are great. Love the quote shared by Louisa about looking in the mirror and not the magnifying glass.

    As if feeling anxious isn’t enough, we make it harder on ourselves when we become anxious over the fact that we feel anxious. Whether it is anxiety about attraction, sexuality, or something else, we end up in a vicious cycle that makes us feel like there is no way out.

    Here is how I put this in perspective and it seems to help. Change is not linear because it involves learning, and learning means trying new things and making mistakes along the way. Change doesn’t go from point A to point B in a nice neat line, like: “oh, I don’t like this anxiety, so I’m going to do x, y, and z to address it, it will go away, and life will be great.” Change follows more of a circular-like pattern. We take a few steps forward, we then stumble backward, we pick ourselves up and take even more steps forward, and then might stumble backward again at some point. The good news is that we can keep moving forward, learning more about ourselves each time and getting stronger. The other good news is that the stumbling becomes our wake-up call that we have been going through the motions of life on autopilot, which means our habitual responses that provoke anxiety have managed to take control of the steering wheel again (stinking thinking, projection, perfectionism, self-blame). So perhaps we don’t need to look at it as a “bad” thing to re-experience something we thought we dealt with already or to uncover an unexpected other layer of a difficult emotion/thought. It is just an invitation to go a bit deeper into our healing.

    Even for the most evolved, there are times when old patterns resurface. The difference is that those folks don’t judge themselves during those times. In the absence of self-criticism, the anxiety isn’t as strong and doesn’t last as long.

    • Thank you, Rae. Your wisdom and clarity are deeply treasured on this site.

    • Jenny

      Thank you Rae, your comment really helped me realise that like you said its not a bad thing to fall back and we do learn something more each time, like i read in one of sheryls blogs before its just because we are sensitive people and self aware and it is actually not that bad of a thing.

      For me it is really very hard to deal with ups and downs in emotions or in my feelings about my relationship but like other people said its more about me then my husband, it is definitely projection and its about time I started focusing on myself to make me happy, to love myself more and above all accept myself and all my thoughts and fears, i always think of my relationship when i hear christina perris song Arms it goes,

      I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
      But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

      You put your arms around me
      And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
      You put your arms around me and I’m home

      How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
      I can’t decide if I’ll let you save my life or if I’ll drown

      I hope that you see right through my walls
      I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already falling
      I’ll never let a love get so close
      You put your arms around me and I’m home….

  • Laura

    I can definitely relate to this topic in my relationship which is something I never saw myself struggling with. One thing I want to point out, at least for myself, is that attraction is not only limited to a person’s physical qualities because you can be attracted to personality, and a number of other things as well.

    My anxiety first hit me a month ago, but even before that I remember one day doubting if I still wanted to be with/felt an attraction to my boyfriend because I declined sex and fought against it when he wanted to. Mind you, he never pressures me or anything like that, but it got my thoughts going as the anxiety usually does. I went through a short period of time where I didn’t crave being intimate with him, and it started to worry me. As I’m in the process of healing myself and moving forward, I tell myself I know my boyfriend still possesses all of those great personal and physical qualities that deep down I know I’m crazy about. The hard part is really addressing my own “attraction” to myself and learn to be an overall more confident and positive person, the person I know I’m capable of being and once was.

  • Great topic and great comments.

    My husband’s mantra especially on the stormy relationship days is that ‘being in a relationship fast tracks our spiritual growth’. I feel that a lack of attraction is often a wonderful indicator that we are being presented with an opportunity to deepen into ourselves and into our relationship.

    Often over time as the layers of ego and defense mechanisms build in a relationship attraction diminishes. We then have a choice, where we can move through this flat, sticky dead zone energy and step further into intimacy or stay on the sideline of our relationship.

    For me staying on the sideline never feels good in my body and in time it provides enough momentum to have the courage to open my heart further, let go of limiting self beliefs and dissolve deeper into Love and Attraction with my Beloved and grow, spiritually, emotionally and intimately.

    Blessings in abundance to all you amazing women as we share this journey

    Catherine

  • Ali

    Dear Sheryl,

    You write from a place of wisdom and gentleness. It is the gentleness that affects me even more than the wisdom! Gentle words are easy to hear and easier to process. I start to think that part of the reason you help so many people is that you present your wisdom gently. It is a fine, fine skill and a fine, fine modelling for healthy relationships that can safely grow!

    Thank you, as always,
    Ali in Switz

  • Micha

    I am struggling with anxiety. We are getting married in 3 months. From the beginning I never felt the deep lusty attraction I have had for other partners, but always just to justify it with his other qualities. This is now really surfacing for me. It feels like one minute I am more attracted than others, and I find myself looking at him more to try to figure it out. I feel so bad for being superficial, but it scares me.

    I guess i compare myself to others, thinking they were deeply attracted to their partners from the beginning and then it diminished. Where as I always was lacking some attraction. This scares me, then I couldn’t work through this.

    Any advice would be welcomed..

  • Sam

    The attraction to my partner has diminished as my anxiety has risen to the point where we have a nonexistant sex life. I get so anxious that I can’t achieve an erection. This destroys her and really drives a wedge between us. I’m trying to blame it on this and that when I really know that deep down my intrusive thoughts are causing this. I don’t know what the thoughts mean. I don’t even know what I’m thinking. It’s just a sinking feeling. I can’t convince myself otherwise; it is uncontrollable. Are the thoughts unreasonable or totally realistic?

    Do I train myself to suppress these thoughts as you suggest? Do I just follow instinct and be single for the rest of my life? Because I know that this will continue to happen for any future partner. Maybe humans aren’t meant to be in monogamous relationships. Maybe these feelings are just the natural response for fighting that. I want this to work out more than anything because it makes so much sense. Our sex used to be on fire.

    I really want to know your justification, evidence, and source for saying that the “doubt means don’t” action is false. Thanks

    • There’s so much pain in your comment, Sam. My evidence in saying that doubt doesn’t always mean don’t is the thousands of people I’ve worked with over the years as clients, ecourse members, and program participants who have softened their fear walls and intrusive thoughts enough to feel their pain and core fear and open their hearts back up to love. My work isn’t about suppressing the thoughts, as that’s not possible, but about addressing the root cause (fear of loss, of self, other and control and unrealistic expectations/false beliefs) and working on that very deep, core level.

  • Sally Crooks

    Can you recommend any reading on comparing? I am sending myself crazy watching other couples all ‘looking’ so ‘in love’. I have been struggling with all of the same anxieties discussed on this forum on and off for 3 years, I still stay in the relationship. But me partner is at the end of his teather, he says ‘I can’t keep testing him like this’ he says it’s like I’m ‘trying to push him away’. I obsess over how well other couples seem to get on and then take it out on him. I hate myself! For 3 years I too have trawled the Internet and I really feel like this site might have just saved my life. I’ve been on and off anti depressants most of my adult life. The comparing is the biggest thing right now, I know you shouldnt compare yourself to other but I feel like I can’t stop and now even find myself avoiding certain friends!

    • The best way to overcome comparing (and it’s SO common, esp with the Facebook world being so prevalent these days), is to learn to embrace the beauty and joy in your own relationship. When you’re solid in yourself and in your partnership, others’ relationships become irrelevant. Have you considered my e-course? It’s been life-changing for thousands of people in this regard, and it would also help you connect with a worldwide community of people who know exactly what you’re going through and can help you through. You can sign up for the free sampler here:

      http://conscious-transitions.com/conscious-weddings-e-course/

  • Eli

    Hi, I wrote this before, but it was deleted for some reason. I’m a guy who’s dated my girlfriend, Sarah (not her real name) on-and-off for 6 years now. Marriage has become a major discussion of late and I want to make sure we’re making the right decision.

    When we first met, I was crazy for Sarah. I couldn’t live without her. She was very shy, quiet and repressed sexually and emotionally. I loved that because I had also felt shy, quiet, and repressed for many years and sought someone like that. I pursued her hard and she always scooted back, never said she loved me, and wanted to do her own thing. I now realize a lot of my attraction to her was a co-dependency. I’ve since worked on myself and seen a therapist for years. Many of the co-dependent feelings have faded and I now feel much happier and more confident being alone. Problem is, I’m still with Sarah and my feelings have evolved. A couple of years ago, Sarah and I broke up for several months. It was a relief because the relationship had gotten claustrophobic and I had wanted to date other women for some time leading up to this. Well, I dated a couple of women, one I still speak with, Carrie (not her name) and the other I don’t, Allie (not her name).

    My relationship with Allie was fast and furious. I was immensely attracted to her, still am, and we had an incredible couple of months of passionate sex constantly, discovering each other, and wild intimacy. She slipped one day and said she had already started planning the wedding in her head. This made me very excited. Towards the end of our quick relationship I started finding all sorts of faults with her – her breath stank, her walk was weird, I didn’t like her parents, she wasn’t very hip. Our relationship never quite moved out of the honeymoon phase, but maybe this was indication it was starting to. Things ended for us when Sarah, who was living across the country (the excuse I used for the reason we broke up in the first place) moved back home and wanted to rekindle things. For the first time, she expressed how much I meant to her. She demanded we get back together and I caved. It was perfect timing because the honeymoon stage with Allie was ending. Allie and I talked a great deal and decided to end things on relatively good terms. Allie would text me fairly frequently after and we flirted over text as we had done when we were together, but I put a stop to all that saying it was probably bad for her in her new relationship and also for me in mine.

    Sarah and I have now been back together for 2 years. I love her and will do anything for her. I love her family. We have sex, but infrequently. I’m very attracted to her sometimes, but not as often as I’d like. Sometime I think she is quite unattractive. She battles depression and lacks passion. We connect, but not as much as I’d like and she has some deep emotional issues. But, the last several months she’s worked hard on her issues and is moving in the right direction. She’s much happier, more open, and now says she loves me all the time. I often feel bored by her, though, and sometimes feel she is just kind of lame as a person.
    I still think about Allie and Carrie, though. I have dreams about getting back together with Allie, about rekindling our passion for one another. I fanaticize about both of them fairly often. But, I am also very drawn to other women. It’s like my senses have been awakened. I feel more confident with my own feelings and this is great, but I’m becoming very confused. I don’t feel shy anymore; I don’t feel repressed. Now, I am frequently turned on by many, many women and I feel capable to start relationships with almost any of them. I’ve never felt this good about myself, but, darn, it’s causing so many other problems. What do I do?

  • Jenny

    Its good to come back and read your blog because it truly is the only place that hits the nail on the head, I was doing really well with my relationship anxiety, I rarely get into the cycles of panic I used too, its crazy though I am pregnant now with our second child, I have a 1 year old and this baby was planned, i feel really worried about the health of our baby and out of control of the situation at times.

    Its funny lately i find myself thinking my husband isnt attracted too me anymore, that I look unattractive, worrying is he happy, have i made him unhappy, but then the same night I could worry about whether i am truly in love with him, its total insecurity and I really do see it for what it is but the awful thing is it still feels real, I seem to remember in these times the conversations i had with a good friend when i was dating my husband about sometimes feeling unsure, and that haunts me, but then i read your blogs, the one about having only 10 minutes left with your partner and i am literally crying my eyes out thinking how much i love him.

    When i am pregnant I seem to be the worst with anxiety and worry and I do project an awful lot, I got very anxious really because i was so overwhlemed at work and I blamed a girl who had bad anxiety at work, somehow feeling that it was her fault i was feeling how i was feeling but its really my own issues.

    when i think about it, it all makes perfect sense that I would be anxious and that I wouldnt have any trust in happiness, normality and a content life free of worry, when all of my life, all I ever did was worry because of the environment I grew up in,

    Thanks for the insight, its god sent.

  • Jenny

    sorry this baby was unplanned i meant too say.