I recently re-read a novel called The Interestings by Meg Wolitzer. I first read it years ago, and loved it, but one of the reasons why I enjoy re-reading books is because we’re never standing in the same spot in the river of life; whatever I gleaned from the book in 2014 was invariably different from what I’m gleaning from it now, ten years later.
The book follows six teenagers who meet at an artsy summer camp in the ’70s. Wolitzer skillfully traces the trajectories of their lives backwards and forwards through time giving the reader a deep sense of their inner worlds and their relationships. Of course I particularly love the insights into marriage that she offers. Three, in particular, stood out to me. I’ll share the quote, then expand (sorry for the spoilers!):
1. The Leap Frog Principle
“In a marriage, they both knew, sometimes there was a period in which one partner faltered, and the other partner held everything together. Jules had been the one to hold everything together after Dennis’s stroke and during his depression. Now he took on that role, and didn’t complain.” (pp. 509-510)
I’ve seen this pattern in almost marriage I know, my own included: one partner, for whatever reason, is struggling or has less capacity and the other jumps into high gear and handles what seems, at the time, more than their fair share. But this is where “fair” and “score-keeping” don’t make sense in marriage; if we hang in for the long haul, we see that it mostly evens out. If we knew this at the outset, a tremendous amount of resentment would be avoided because we would trust that there is a bigger plan at play.
Of course this hinges on trusting the basic goodness and willingness of our partner to carry their weight, and sometimes this is difficult to trust when we don’t know the person very well in the early years. Nevertheless, when we drop beneath the habitual default of fear-and-scarcity where it’s easy to assume the worst, we often arrive back at the place of trust.
2. A Death Scare Whittles Away the Non-Essentials
One of the main characters struggles with intense envy of her friends’ wildly successful life. She has a wonderful husband and a good career, but she’s trapped in the not-enough, scarcity mindset… until her husband’s brush with death puts everything into perspective (at least momentarily) and in the moment of terror she, an atheist, prays to God:
“Leave success and fame and money and an extraordinary life to Ash and Ethan, who would know how to use it, she thought as the EMS technicians strode through the narrow space… Leave everything to Ash and Ethan, for they deserve it. Just give me what we had, she heard herself thinking, or maybe saying. It’s enough now.” (p. 306)
It’s enough. What does it take for us to know – to bodily know – that our life with our partner is enough? As I wrote about a few weeks ago, keeping death close helps. Yet often it’s actual death inserting itself into life that startles us into the goodness and preciousness of what we have. As one reader wisely and painfully commented on the post:
“I had a realization after my mom died in December that my time with your partner *is* limited. Eventually, most likely one of us will die first and leave the other behind. It’s morbid and a hard, hard truth, but the perspective allowed me to see how truly lucky I am to love him in this lifetime — and I’ve softened to a lot of his quirks 🙂 I hope that’s a long time from now, but losing my mom at a relatively young age (and a young coworker shortly after that) has brought death/life to the forefront recently.”
3. You Won’t Like Everything About Your Partner
“There was a confused pause and the executives both laughed with similar bleats, though Ash didn’t even pretend to find it funny. Ethan was babbling; this was what he did in times of stress. Of course he did not have a great-uncle Schmendrick, and the joke wasn’t even a joke. He knew that Ash didn’t like this part of him, but when you were in a relationship you had to take the whole package.” (p. 229)
Marriage is a package deal, and invariably you won’t like every part of the package. We might know this intellectually, but because it flies in the face of everything we’ve ever seen in Hollywood and Disney, the reality of it can be a tough pill to swallow. We expect perfection, and when we feel irritated by our partner’s quirks and foibles (which every single human on this planet has), we wonder what’s wrong.
There’s nothing wrong! It’s called being human in a long-term marriage, and it’s refreshing to read about these elements of marriage in a piece of fiction.
Thanks for another great post. At the moment, I’m very much relating to your first point. Over the last year, it feels like my wife has been doing much of the ‘heavy lifting’ in our marriage – planning for the future, doing errands, working full time, etc. my anxiety has been very up and down over the past year – after several years of relative calm – and the pressure of not wanting to be a burden to my wife is weighing very heavily on me. I am in therapy and on meds, and these are both helpful, but they are far from magic wands. The turbulence in the world is hurting my psyche deeply. My wife, I feel, just wants me to be ok, and I feel a lot of guilt that, for the moment, I am not. It comforts me to know that, as per your first point, this is part of the normal course of marriage. Thanks again.
Joshua, my husband has been playing the role your wife has been taking for the past year and, like you, I have felt like a burden. That feeling has been very heavy for me – in addition to all the other heavy feelings I’ve been feeling. My comment is just to say that I hear you, I understand, you’re not alone. And I also see and hear your warmth, thoughtfulness, and care for your wife in your comment. You’re also doing all you can (as am I) to feel better. My hope for us is to remember that even when we are struggling, we are worthy and deserving of love. And when it is time for us to support, I know we will both be there for our partners.
Hi Joshua – I would like to mimic Megan’s comment! It is clear from your words how much you care for your partner. I have found that when I feel like a burden, I go to my husband and thank him for his support as a means to express my gratitude. When I do this, it also helps the feelings of feeling like a burden to subside a little. My husband and I have both had seasons where the other needs to step in more.
Thank you Megan and Briana for your comments. They really mean a lot. I know that, when needed, I am very much able to step up and be there for my wife, as I was when her father died in 2017. She has her own issues with PTSD and anxiety too, and I try to be as supportive as I can. What I am noticing is that my fear of being a burden to my wife is becoming another obsessive, intrusive thoughts, which leads to heightened anxiety, which (ironically) leads to greater likelihood of being a burden! It’s a vicious cycle which I am aware of, and know I need to work hard on. Thanks again for your comments and understanding.
I know this feeling very well too Joshua. That feeling of being a heavy burden on my wife, a disappointment to my kids, etc., has been one of the harder feelings to deal with especially during times of turbulence along the way (as you expressed, you can have long periods of calm, then things ramp up again and it’s really easy to lose confidence during those times). The difference between now, and “the beginning”, is you’re much better equipped to understand it, which will allow you to transform it (in time – can’t rush it!), and when your wife needs you the most, at times when she’s experiencing the turbulence, you will be there just as she’s there for you now.
Thanks Steve, I really appreciate your comments. We don’t have kids yet, and the fear that my anxiety will stop me being a good father is pretty terrifying. But yes, I agree – when the chips are down, I am fully able to be there when my wife needs me, as I’ve no doubt you are.
Woah – I just finished rereading The Interestings as well! Crazy timing. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on Ethan never quite getting over his crush on Jules, yet having a happy marriage to someone else. I found that aspect to also be quite realistic, anti-Hollywood and reassuring about the complexities of love and attraction.
Crazy timing, indeed! Yes, that was definitely an anti-Hollywood element of the book, which I appreciated. Although I wish that he had worked through more of the crush consciously, but I think that would probably be too much to ask for a novel of this sort :).
Thank you, Sheryl! I am relating to the third point most right now. My husband has a habit of using humor as a defense mechanism and really humor as an everyday form of communication. I find myself thinking things like “why can’t he just be real”? “Why does he need to joke all the time”? I find that these thoughts ONLY spike when I am experiencing feelings of personal stress, work irritation, or any sort of tense feeling within myself. That was the first step of deconstructing these thoughts for me, realizing they only popped up when I myself was feeling “off”. I seem to project these “off” feelings within myself pretty intensely onto my partner. I also find that beneath these thoughts is the question of “am I safe”? A lot of this stems to self trust and building that self trust. I am always on the look out for anything remotely “abusive” as a means to place distance and protect myself. “Oh my gosh he just had an attitude with me, he’s going to be a horrible father/partner”. “Oh my gosh he just yelled at the dogs for barking, he obviously doesn’t know how to regulate himself, which means he will be a horrible father/partner”. I also seem to be on the “will he be a good father” train. Which I don’t believe is a bad thing to ask myself in general but it is causing a lot of anxiety to always be on the lookout for any misstep. This all leads me back to trusting my source. When all is quiet in my heart and soul I can see the relationship for what it is and what it is based on, respect and love for each other. We have had conversations around how we would like to raise kids, working on regulating our emotions, and being supportive partners. It all does feel scary though, when my fear piques up.
I have this exact same fear-looking for signs that my partner is abusive. It feels devastating and impacts me deeply until I realize, like you mention, that at the core it happens when we lack self-trust or something personally is off. It’s so helpful to hear someone else go through this exact spike, and also say how much we are loved and respected in our partnerships. My wife is the person in the world I feel safest with and most deeply loved by. Thanks for your comment-it’s helping me reframe my thoughts and pull myself out of a spike!
Thank you Sheryl! I often think about what would happen if my wife died, how I would feel, and I realize how much I love her and don’t want to be without her! It is dark, and morbid, but really does bring my closer to the truth, which is that I love her and my anxiety is fear of loss coming up sideways.
I don’t think it’s morbid so much as a tool to bring us into the present moment and can help elucidate that pervasive yet sneaky fear of loss..
Sheryl, thank you for the book recommendation. It’s been years since I’ve been here on the site, but I’ve found myself needing your work again. 10 years into marriage and two children, and the same fear walls i had doing the concious bride course came right back up. At first i despaired. How can i be back here again? But ive found through journaling again that i am far, far away from the person I was when I first found you. You’ve given me a vocabulary I never had, and a perspective on love, loss, fear, and self that has turned me around. You gave me a map. It’s a map I may need to refer back to time and again, and I must make my peace with that. But I will never be utterly lost again. Thank you.
Thank you for your comment, and it’s fun to see your screenname again after all these years :). Yes, breaking free from relationship anxiety doesn’t mean that we’ll never experience it again. It means, as you’ve noted, that we develop a roadmap and tools for addressing it as the messenger that it is when it does rear its head.
Thank you for writing about marriage, Sheryl! I’m a long time follower of the blog and forum and have battled RA since I was 20. Two decades later and knee deep in marriage, I still wrestle with it. I’ve been longing to hear more from folks about the “after the wedding” realities. I can often feel like I am failing or not getting this healing right as it is still hard at times even within a secure, loving relationship.
Hi Christy, I hear you. After a childhood and adolescence of intense (undiagnosed) anxiety, RA first piped up when I was 18, in my first real relationship. I didn’t know what was going on, thought I was going crazy, and ran for the hills. I thought the problem was my choice of partner. However, in my next relationship, aged 21, RA hit again. Again, I ended the relationship, and spent 7 years being single and fairly miserable. Then I met my now wife. Two months into the relationship, RA hit hard again, but I didn’t run. I knew by now that the issue lay within me, not my choice of partner. I discovered Sheryl’s work, took her course, and also embarked on an ongoing course of therapy. I’ve been with my wife for ten years, and we’ve been married for six years. What I can confidently say is that marrying my wife is the best decision I’ve ever made, but ALSO that I still have times with very intense RA (or OCD, whatever you want to call it). It is an ongoing journey, with ebbs and flows, peaks and troughs. There is no ‘right’ way of healing, and no such thing as ‘failing’. I hope this helps.
Hi Joshua- 👋- our paths sound very similar. In my darkest moments I wonder if I’d found sheryl earlier, whether I’d be with one of my exes instead of my husband. Pointless thing to think, of course, and a strain of the “can I make it work with anyone” spike that sheryl has referred to in the past. I’m here, this is my truth, this is my path, and I just need to walk it. Thank goodness we found good eggs as partners though, right?!
Hi there hangovergirl, I to too from the UK! With my previous relationships, I also think that the timing wasn’t right. I was not mature enough at 18 or 21, but at 28 it was the right time (for me) to do the work. This is very personal though; I certainly don’t want to spike anyone!
Hi Joshua and hangover girl! I’m also from the UK 🙂
It’s so validating to see other members from the UK posting on blog posts such as this one as I sometimes feel all alone in my thoughts and feelings. I’m not married yet – however I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and I’m hopeful (yet anxious) about an engagement!!
It’s great to know I’m not alone with my doubts/anxieties!
Hi Sophie
You are certainly not alone!! If it helps, getting married was the best decision I ever made, DESPITE the anxiety.
Christy – when I was younger, I had no “diagnosed” or even realized experience with anxiety or OCD or panic. My wife and I were 18 years into marriage when my first battle with OCD began (or whatever you want to call it as Joshua stated – not a huge fan of labels). Now at 23 years into marriage, what I’ve really learned in the last 5 is to expect ebs and flows in the marriage because we experience ebs and flows within ourselves, which means our partners experience ebs and flows too. I pointed out my timeline because I wanted to stress there’s no one size fits all into this stuff. Just because someone may experience things early or later than others means nothing. We are all human and real life doesn’t happen based on shoulds, shouldn’ts or stereotypical time lines
Hi Christy- same! It’s not just the major transitions that bring fear (my pre and post natal experiences were a TRIP) but the more subtle transitions in the marriage. Transitioning into middle age (bleugh), dealing with boredom, the “is this all there is” feeling, anxiety over what happens when the kids leave and it’s just us. I don’t want to be 80 and still panicking over whether I should leave or not! I’m smiling as I type, but the fear is there. I’m never going to leave because of RA. I know I’m in a happy, healthy, equal marriage with someone who is a very good match for me. We have long periods when the fear is quiet, and times (like now) when it shouts loud. But it is manageable. And sometimes, when I have a little pity party for myself, and I think “why me? Why did I have to have this? Why does loving have to be easy for others, but hard for me?” I take stock of my privilege for just a moment, and remember that everyone has their cross to bear. Physical, mental, emotional…pick your poison. This is mine, and I’m lucky enough to have found a guide in sheryl, who has helped me learn to live with (and lessen) the pain.
Hi Sheryl, ım 20 years old and im with my bf for 2 years. I have some questions and i really need your help. Does in Love feelings not coming back in a relationship mean you have to break up? I love him because he is an amazing person, we enjoy spending time each other, İ feel so safe and secure around him and we share similar values. We are with each other for two years. And i just saw a tiktok so my anxiety is so bad right and i really need help because im at a Spike. Isnt choosing to love them not enough? Do we need those in love feelings or attraction to come back? When İ kiss him İ just like it İ dont feel aroused and it just feels secure. Or when we become intimate usually İ just feel secure and safe not horny like him. But İ like to satisfy him but İ just dont feel those chemical things. Is it normal and ok? I read your blogs and some of them help me but i also want your opinion. I struggled with general anxiety disorder and health ocd as well so im a very anxious person and i dont have enough money for the course we are a poor family so i just want your help on this theme. Thank you
Hi Sarmaline
It is completely NORMAL for the ‘in love’ feelings to recede at times of anxiety! The lack of feeling causes anxiety, which in turn leads to a lack of feeling. It’s a classic vicious circle and a classic part of Relationship Anxiety. The most important thing, for me, is choosing to love. I would also stay away from TikTok haha. It isn’t real life. I hope this helps.
Thanks and yes so we dont need those attraction or in love feelings right? We can create our relationship and our olan love by choosing them because love is a choice
Sorry for butting in, I’ve just seen that your post was addressed specifically to Sheryl.
This is kind of off-topic but still related I guess- I was just wondering if you had seen Inside Out 2? I really love the way the movie portrayed and dealt with anxiety. It made me cry so much cause it was so real
I can’t wait to see it! I loved the first one.
Me too!!! I was in bits!
Hi Sheryl. My husband and I have been together for 23 years and like so many others that find their way to your work, I’ve never had that honeymoon ‘in love’ phase. I have struggled with periods of doubt and RA throughout our marriage and it’s so draining. I’m currently going through a particularly bad patch and like others have mentioned before, I really don’t want to be doubting in another 20 years. I struggle with uncertainty and am also somewhat of a perfectionist. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I look at my friends relationships and they tell me how much they love their partners and have never doubted and it makes me feel deficient in some way. I have a husband who is kind, loving, generous and patient and I feel so guilty. It makes me question if he’s really what I’m looking for – sometimes it just feels so hard. Thank you 🙏
You’re not deficient. You’re struggling with relationship anxiety, which eclipses feelings of love.