It’s no secret that amidst the jingle bells and glitter of this season, the holidays are a fiasco for many people, and as they approach there’s an element of dread hanging in the air. It snakes through our days and rattles our nights, and if we don’t give it proper attention, it will morph into anxiety and depression, as that’s what happens when the core feelings of life aren’t properly acknowledged.
There can be joy, too, of course. And if joy is your primary experience of the holidays, embrace it.
But for those of you who are struggling with anything less than joy, this post is for you.
Ugh.
We so much want to get it right, and yet we hardly ever do. We want to please our partner or kids, our parents or friends, buying just the right gifts that will light them up. But we usually fall short. We so much want to receive a gift that is meaningful, that “proves” that someone is paying attention. But that also might not happen.
There’s an entire art and skill to gift giving and receiving, and I think it takes decades to learn how to get it somewhat right. It’s best to accept at the outset that someone is likely to be disappointed. And that person might be you.
Then there’s the terrible loneliness of the holidays if we don’t have a partner or kids.
And the pain if you’re not in touch with a family member, or you’ve lost somebody you love.
The holidays, like all transitions, highlight every loss we’ve ever endured, and especially those we’ve suffered through in the past year.
A Time of Amplified Loss
Our most recent loss is currently being highlighted by our Christmas tree.
I love our tree. I love the decorations that we’ve thoughtfully collected over the years, reminding us of vacations with our kids and the earliest days of our relationship before kids came along. When my husband and I were decorating the tree this year, we came across the wooden tiger and lion, and I asked him, “Do you remember where we got these?” It was Santa Barbara, where he took me for the weekend for my 30th birthday to see The Lion King. Just the two of us. No babies in sight.
But when I look at the tree now I also see Tashi, who used to love to bat at the ornaments and play under the tree skirt before falling asleep on it. How many Christmases have we come around the corner to see her sleeping under the tree and remarked, “Look, there’s the best gift of all.” She was our Christmas kitty; we adopted her on December 29th, 2012. We thought she’d be here for many more Christmases, but we lost her last June.
I suspect that’s why it was only my husband and I decorating the tree this year. It’s impossible to see it without thinking about her. Despite how much we’ve taught our sons to move toward pain, the human tendency is still to avoid it.
The tree still brings immense joy, but there’s also pain. That’s okay; there’s light and dark in almost everything in life. The important piece is to name it, make room for the grief, and celebrate the joy.
Bringing Meaning
Wouldn’t the holidays be so much better if we gave maybe one gift then sat together and talked about what’s really happening this time of year: the descent into darkness and the emergence of light? And not only talked about it but had a ritual that welcomes the darkness and inquired about its wisdom?
Wouldn’t the holidays be more meaningful if, instead of showering our kids with presents, most of which they’ll forget about in a month (if that), we gave them our presence: sat with each child and shared one special memory from the past year, or our 5 favorite things about them?
Of course, these ideas only really work if we enact them together, as a collective society. We’re social animals, and while we can strive to create more meaningful rituals, we also must bear in mind that our children will return to school and their friends will ask them what they got for the holidays.
So… here we are: on Winter Solstice, staring into the candles on the last night of Hannukah, approaching Christmas Eve then Christmas Day then New Year’s. Again, the best we can do, I believe, is to make room for the hard parts – to breathe into the disappointment, grief, and loneliness – and embrace the moments of joy as they arrive. As I often share, the more room we make for the darkness, the more radiant the light. And, the more we sing into the joy, the more luminous the darkness shines.
Wishing all of you some rest and fullness of heart this holiday season.
Thank you! This article so beautifully illustrates exactly how I feel about the holiday season. With 4 children, whom all have their own expectations, it is impossible to make everyone happy. So I let their expectations go. And as their mother, as consciously as I can, I simply meet their expectations with the greatest gift I can give my children. My presence and my love. That’s it. Full stop. And then I let go of the outcome.
Thank you and how amazing that you’re able to live out that intention! It’s not easy to do.
I am always so moved by your love for your beautiful cat, and the way you describe meeting the joy and the grief (those most tense of opposites!). It’s medicine that I am still learning to integrate and hold, even though I’ve been doing this work for a while. Getting there, ever so, ever so slowly!
Sending you so much love and wanted to offer a:
🕯️ for Tashi
🕯️ for my Grandma, who passed last Christmas Eve
Xxx
Thank you, Elizabeth, for your words and for your two beautiful blessings. Sending big hugs. xoxo
Beautiful post as always & each year I try to embrace winter slightly better than the previous year. The cosyness it brings is more comforting as I get older. Sending heartfelt condolences for your loss of a much loved pet. When I lost my 20 year old furbaby I was inconsolable. But a few months later a starving, neglected stray appeared and we’ve now had him 7 years. We both love him to bits and he helped me heal. I like to think my beloved Gizmo told him where to come. Wishing you & your family Christmas blessings & thank you for all your years of helping me to cope with life x
Thank you, Lynn. We’re praying that a stray will magically show up at our doorstep :).
Thank you for acknowledging the loneliness that can come from being childless particularly at this time of year ❤️🙏
🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
Merry Christmas to you xx and yes, wouldn’t one present be an amazing thing to do. Playing cards or monopoly with my children is my favourite thing about Christmas. 🎄
Merry Christmas, Susan ❤️
Thank you for naming all these pieces that very often go unnamed but which most of us experience to varying degrees. I try to sit with the pain alongside the joy but it’s hard and sometimes I don’t want to sit in pain so I let myself focus on something else. I try to infuse self-compassion into my daily experiences, especially in December when the energy is so frantic and expectations are so high. I enjoy the meaningful experiences of spending time with family and reflecting on the past year. But the commercialism and chaotic energy is very draining, as is being thrust out of my normal routines for so long. I love when we finally relax into January. It’s a beautiful exhaling relief. And we are one step closer to my favorite season – Spring! Definitely looking forward to the Spring Equinox meetup! Thank you for being a beacon of light & inspiration!
Yes to every word! See you in March 🥰