One of the aspects of psychology I love most is that there are endless layers to explore about every topic. Because psychology is a relatively new field, there’s still a lot we don’t know. And because the mind and soul are as vast as the universe, there will always be an element of mystery. That’s what makes it exciting.
So as I round into my 30th year of exploring relationship anxiety, just when I think there’s nothing more to say, a new layer pops into my field of awareness. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it’s not so much a new insight as it is a deepening of areas we’ve been discussing for years. The question that has arrived over the last several weeks is:
What is the link between idealism and relationship anxiety?
As I’ve shared in many blog posts, those prone to anxiety are often perfectionists: we place inordinately high standards on ourselves, and when it comes to relationships we tend to place those standards on our partner. But the new layer is that, in addition to being perfectionists, we’re also idealists, meaning we have an ideal picture in our mind of how life and love should be. Where perfectionists strive for flawlessness, idealists emphasize aspirations and principles. I love the way Martyn Foster differentiates between these two similar but different concepts:
If the idea of getting 99/100 irks you more than pleases you, you are a perfectionist. If you are a person who pursues and values noble/high principles, purposes and goals, a person who is more concerned with how things ought to be than how they are, you are an idealist. Perfectionism and idealism are regularly associated with one another, but I view it as, “not everything that is perfect is ideal, but everything that is ideal has elements of perfection.”
If you’re someone who struggles with relationship anxiety, being an idealist might translate in a healthy way as wanting the best relationship you can have. But even in the best of relationships, there will be flaws and elements that are missing. There will be elements of perfection, which will satisfy the idealist in you, but overall the relationship will fall short of the ideal image you may have carried in your mind since you were a teenager.
A blog reader named Katy expressed her exploration of idealism beautifully in one of her comments:
This post is also incredibly timely for me. I’ve been in therapy with a good therapist for several years, and one of the things we talk about a lot is my “idealism” – my strong sense in almost every situation I am in of “how things should be” – a feeling that things should be different, better, more perfect than they are. This feeling is unrelenting.
I am a big fan of Tara Brach’s work, and was recently listening to one of her podcasts, and she talked about deciding many years ago to work on her struggle with “chronic aversive judgment,” this running commentary in her brain that “he should be different, this should be different, I should be different.” Which is also a running commentary I have in my brain, and it robs me, often, of enjoying what is because I am so focused on my idea of how things should be.
I have been working on this, especially using your work, Sheryl – it has been so helpful to note that when I am fixating on some “imperfection” in my environment – some less than perfect moment – to turn toward myself and ask myself what within me needs care and attention.
And there is always something in me that I can find – usually having to do with fear of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. When I was a child, the unknown was pretty dangerous, so now when I am not sure of something, or something feels imperfect, it still feels dangerous and like I need to nail everything down.
I am making this post because I have been exploring my idealism – a kind of “just right” feeling/anxiety that causes me to have a really hard time tolerating imperfect moments, and what it takes away from me. But, I was missing the idea of its possible root cause, where it comes from, and how it actually could come from a place of goodness, from some deep place in me where I was built to steward things toward beauty, If I can.
But not do it in this maniacal, demanding way that does not also allow me to accept humanness, messiness, and imperfection. To look for ways I can include ritual in my life that does create beauty and goodness, creativity, while also learning to live in the imperfect real world and allow things, simultaneously, to be as they are. Such a difficult dialectic!
Why the Ideal Must Wither in Romantic Love
In many areas of life, the ideal is worth striving for. Most people who find their way to my work dream of a more just and caring world, and often dedicate their life to bringing about that vision. As such, highly sensitive people often become teachers, lawyers, nurses, and therapists. We not only see the brokenness, but we feel it in our hearts. We know we can do better and we strive for that better, ideal world.
But when it comes to romantic love, the ideal vision, which often manifests as a “type”, must be grieved and released if a long-term, healthy relationship is going to sustain and thrive. Why? Because in this realm of life the ideal only exists in the imagination (and Hollywood).
As I shared in this post on The Truth about Attraction in a Misguided Culture, the ideal type is often a projection of our own inner underdeveloped parts, and when we project those parts onto another we lose the opportunity to grow into our own wholeness. If we don’t understand this aspect of relationship anxiety, we’re at risk of walking away from real, true, good love if it doesn’t match the ideal vision we’ve held in our mind.
Some of these idealistic pictures of romantic love come from mainstream messages, but I don’t think that’s the whole picture. Another commonality between those who find their way to my work is that many of us are either a one or four on the Enneagram. The one is often referred to as “The Idealist” and the four as “The Tragic Romantic”. Both types have a tendency to look for what’s missing instead of what’s present, partially because of their desire for life to be as ideal as possible. To this end, the search for an ideal work and ideal love is wired in to temperament.
The Longing for Wholeness
At the core of idealism is a longing for wholeness, whether in the world, in a family, or in our own selves. Because we’ve been indoctrinated by our misguided culture to believe we can attain wholeness through finding the perfect partner – literally our “other half” – we believe that we should keep looking until we find this perfect other, failing to realize that the idealism we’re seeking doesn’t actually exist in a world that includes brokenness at the core. This doesn’t mean we should stop trying to repair the world and heal ourselves, but the wholeness will not come about by finding your ideal partner. Because, again, that person simply does not exist.
Rather, we touch into wholeness when we grieve the fantasy of the ideal and step into full responsibility for our own spiritual journey, which includes the possibility of touching into the realm where everything is connected and nothing is broken. This is probably as close to the ideal as we can come in the human realm. As Katy expressed in her comment, “I was missing the idea of its possible root cause, where it comes from, and how it actually could come from a place of goodness, from some deep place in me where I was built to steward things toward beauty, If I can.”
Let us be stewards of beauty in all ways as we release our partners from carrying the burden of idealism and instead strive to create a more just and beautiful world.
How does idealism play into your journey with relationship anxiety?
Yes! Idealism seems to be such an important part of anxiety and fear, because it almost always is companioned by that resistance of what is. And once you can accept what is, the thing becomes less scary…because even if the reality is a scary one, it suddenly becomes a fact you will face, vs a monster you have to hide from.
But I wonder, where is the line between life vision/shared life goals and idealism? Are they one in the same?
I’ve had partners whose life visions matched – creative collaboration, inspiring one another to grow and create; there was lots of intellectual stimulation and creating something bigger than ourselves. They tended to have the aliveness, creativity and intellect I did – but not the steadiness, grounding and coherent sense of self that was also important to me.
Now I’m with a grounded, steady man, with a coherent self and the capacity for real relationship the above ones didn’t have — who I really like, and yet he isn’t like the above, and I can get a little bored without the sense of collaboration, and feel unchallenged in a myriad of ways, though he always encourages and loves how smart and creative I am….but I then worry about a boring life.
Is that an ideal we let go of in partnership? A choice we make, one for the other since it’s often hard to find both in one human? Or is it an ideal we choose to exclusively find elsewhere? Or, is it more of a vision/shared goals that even if not found exactly as we dream, we hold onto a little and keep looking for in someone?
“But I wonder, where is the line between life vision/shared life goals and idealism? Are they one and the same?”
It’s a great question, Kya. It comes down to priorities in terms of what you can accept and what you can’t. We all have non-negotiables in a relationship – the qualities that we know we need for a fulfilling relationship. And then there are the things we’d love to have in an ideal world, but we can grieve and let go of. It’s up to each person to discern between the two.
I will say, however, that based on what you’ve shared, the likelihood of creating a fulfilling and stable lifelong relationship is MUCH higher with the person you’re currently with. Ultimately the responsibility for creating aliveness is yours.
This is so good and I really needed to hear this! I am a four on the enneagram and I’m relentless and thinking hubby isn’t enough
I’m so glad it was helpful, Shoshana. Here’s the being fours :).
What is the difference between idealism and that magic feeling of connection with the world? I’ve spent my life following that “feeling” of beauty or “just right” and feel unbalanced when I don’t, but sometimes I wonder if I’m creating the imbalance with my idealism blocking my connection.
My ex of 7 years had a very peaceful energy about him (I’ve thought he was an Enneagram 9 haha). I found your work during our relationship where I was always expecting more from him – more energy, more passion, more communication. I was able to take that projection away and love him for being that calm space because it felt “right” in relation to my nervous system.
My now-husband and I have been together for almost three years – he’s much higher energy and loves to interact. I constantly feel irritated with him (and his family) because they don’t have that peaceful energy my ex and his family had. I hate to compare them. My husband is kind, honest, and wants to be a team. But his energy often makes me feel disconnected and I wonder if it’s my idealism trying to make a partner “perfect”
The fact that your ex is now your ex leads me to assume that there was something about the relationship that wasn’t “just right” – is that a fair assumption? It’s such a sad and big and hard pill to swallow, but there simply isn’t a perfect partner or city or job or anything in this world. When we grieve the impossibility of the ideal template we carry inside, we make more room for life – and people – as they are.
This poem is very relevant to your theme this week:
https://joshuaseigalpoet.blogspot.com/2022/08/and-so-i-write.html?m=1
Some of your readers might appreciate it
Oh so beautiful and incredibly relevant, Joshua. I have chills. Thank you for sharing the gift of your poetry with us. I feel like you your poems need to be read on The Poetry Unbound podcast.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/poetry-unbound/id1492928827
thank you, very much appreciated. I will check out the podcast you mentioned. Thanks as ever for your blog.
This comes in perfect timing, since my RA is spiking up again in the thickness of the first baby year. I have a deep longing and connection for the Devine, but there is also a sadness coming up to let the longing of an ideal partnership go, because I want this wholeness with him, I love experiencing the things I long for TOGETHER (which becomes a constant source of pain)
Oh yes I hear you Franziska. The longing to experience life together is a valid longing, and it’s also important to recognize that we’ll never have a sustained state of perfect wholeness with another human being. Grief and acceptance, grief and acceptance, again and again and again.
Hallo Franziska, i feel you. I am very much in a same situation in my second Baby year. By your Name I wonder if we live close and if you might want to connect with ne personally?
This is simply brilliant, to perfection : )
Hah! Thank you, Julia ;).
I have been really struggling with holding my husband to my ego’s really high standards recently. It’s not been a major hook before but now I’m ruminating about his sense of humour, his ‘niceness’, whether or not he’s ‘too selfish’ for me, and I wonder if this is an expression of my idealism: wanting him to fit this ideal moral standard.of goodness. I do think if I turn inward that it has a lot to do with me being uncomfortable with my own imperfections and my need to feel safe. The part where you described your ideal partner being a kind of projection of our own inner underdeveloped parts felt really resonant!
Here’s your nugget of wisdom, Elizabeth: ” I do think if I turn inward that it has a lot to do with me being uncomfortable with my own imperfections and my need to feel safe.” That’s the place to redirect your attention when you’re over-focusing on your husband “falling short.”
Well, this is timely, because I wrote that comment I think a good while ago, forgot about it, and am still struggling with the same thing. My husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, and so much of our relationship, the romance, the intimacy that I want, is really lacking – because we are tired! She isn’t sleeping well! We are exhausted! But instead of 1) leaving room for that and being aware of how hard this period of life is and 2) focusing on what we do have together and what is good about my partner (he’s an incredible dad, our daughter loves him, he is so faithful and trustworthy, he loves us so much, he works so hard for our family), I focus on what we don’t have right now. I am such an idealist! And I forget to look at what I am projecting on my partner and what those projections reveal in me – what needs development and nurturing within my own self. It feels very providential that I am reminded of this this morning. Thank you, Sheryl!
Oh also, I am an enneagram 4, of course! Sheryl, I just can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your work. Thank you, again.
This layer is so profound! As an enneagram 4 INFP, I often feel like an almost comical archetype of idealistic longing. I have such high standards of myself and my life. Combined with childhood and religious trauma and years of feeling neglected, misunderstood, and lonely, it makes sense why a part of me sees romantic relationships as something that should be transcendent. A place of perfect understanding and attunement, the certainty that this person will never leave. The safety I’ve never known but always yearned for.
I’ve struggled deeply against any friction that shows up in our relationship, because it threatens my subconscious image of being soulmates/twin flames/each other’s gods (lol)–an ideal I cling to out of survival but also because we are actually so aligned. Yet when we don’t feel aligned I can feel terrified, abandoned, and start questioning everything.
After almost two years together, though, and deep inner work in addition to DBT, I finally am starting to experience the balance between safety, acceptance, and uncertainty. I’m getting better at knowing and communicating my own needs and letting go of my exhausting and futile role as the invisible puppet master of our “perfect” relationship.
It’s hard, iterative, and beautiful work, and I’m so grateful to have a partner who’s willing to wade through all of this messiness together, imperfectly.
What a beautiful comment, Rainy. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your process. Every word is gold.
Wow, thank you, Sheryl. That’s so meaningful. Your podcast especially has been a soothing presence for me through the last few years of intense transition. It’s my first time commenting but I deeply appreciate your work. My highly sensitive self feels so seen and supported.
Amazing that you’re here, Katy! I love when we can be reminded of our own wisdom as it’s human nature to forget and remember again and again – especially during the impossible challenge of having a young child together!