Our wedding anniversary a few years ago. Photo by Asher Finn
A few nights ago at dinner the topic of marriage came up. Our younger son, Asher, having witnessed many couples either struggling or divorced over his sixteen years, said, “Doesn’t seem like there are a lot of happy marriages.” My husband, Daev, and I looked at each other across the table, and I made a dramatic love-sick gesture, fluttering my eyes at him. In classic Daev humor he said, “Cue our theme music!”
The truth is, we have a truly great marriage. Are we lucky? Well, yes, if you consider how lucky it is to find a wonderful partner amidst the billions of people on this planet.
But neither of us attribute the success of our marriage to luck. We both hold growth as one of our central values, and when the going got tough, as it always will in any honest, long-term relationship, we sought help. Both couple and individual therapy, alongside many other modalities, helped up to confront our trauma places and continue to grow toward each other. And, because we both value growth, the work will continue for the rest of our lives.
In fact, Daev’s commitment to growth is one of the things I love most about him. He’s an avid reader, a spiritual seeker, a lifelong learner. Not only is he willing to grow emotionally, but when he alights on a topic that ignites his mind, he’ll read about it endlessly and bring these topics of conversation to our family. Like the trees that we’re both fascinated by on our land, the mindset and value of growth lives at the very center of our marriage, intwining the two of us and our boys in a web of connection.
How else do I love my husband?
His willingness to grow is only one of the many ways I love my husband. Oh, let me count the ways…
I love that he was willing to take an enormous risk by leaving his visual effects career when he was at the top of his game and move from Los Angeles to Colorado in 2006, when Everest, our older son, was two. The career transition was challenging (as transitions always are; we’ll be discussing this in more depth in our webinar this Wednesday, March 4th), but he was willing to do it anyway, for while he enjoyed certain aspects of his career, once Everest was born the 70-hour work weeks became intolerable; he didn’t want to be a dad who never saw his kids. (To listen to our episode on The Father Wound, where Daev discusses his painful relationship with his own absent father, click here.) This courageous act set into motion an entirely new life for us, one woven by another shared value: to raise our sons together and create a truly shared life.
I love his steadfast commitment to being an involved father, which includes working on his own patterns so that he can support his sons’ dreams. For example, when I first floated the idea of allowing Everest to learn how to fly when he was thirteen, every inherited fear rose to the surface, but he didn’t let that stop him from supporting the idea. No matter what our sons express interest in, even when it’s vastly different from anything we’ve been exposed to (like the military), Daev has thrown himself full throttle into learning everything he can about it.
I love that he takes good care of his body and that he’s been willing to accept influence from me about the importance of healthy eating. His hard work is paying off: as I’m writing these words he’s outside cleaning the yard wearing a white tank top and jeans and, well, all I can say is: he’s one sexy sixty-year old! (And also… I love how lovingly he takes care of our yard.)
Speaking of bodies, I love the way he makes me feel like I’m perpetually thirty years old, and seems not to notice my aging processes.
I love his humor. When I was in a more closed-hearted state in the early years of our marriage I couldn’t see his humor (which still blows my mind). He is literally the funniest person in the world (to me, anyway :)).
I love that we share a love of dreams. Many of our mornings begin with listening deeply to each other’s dreams. In fact, it was a dream that inspired Daev’s career transition to become a licensed psychotherapist in 2017. We’ll be talking about that dream in the webinar.
I love his humility. You would never know he has an Emmy stashed underneath his desk. You’d never know he has a Bachelor’s in Fine Arts, two Master’s Degree, and is a licensed psychotherapist. You’d never know he created the fur for Aslan in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and the skin of the baby dragon Norbert in Harry Potter. That’s because he doesn’t lead with his accomplishments. He leads with his heart.
There are a thousand other things I love about my husband, far too numerous to list here. But I think you get the picture :).
Introducing…
And now I’m thrilled to share him with you for the first time over Zoom. Victoria and I have done two Gathering Gold guest episodes with him, but those have only been audio. Now the three of us will gather by video to discuss some of our favorite topics: meaningful careers, dreams, and the emotional life of men. We very much hope to see you at the live event, which you can sign up for here, but if you can’t make it you’ll receive the audio recording afterwards.
I’ll end with the poem that inspired the title of this blog post.
How Do I Love Thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death
So sweet <3
❤️❤️❤️
This is just beautiful. Something a wise mentor once told me is that “your husband is someone who you pour into and he into you. If you build him up, remind him of what you love about him, speak positively about him, and support him, even in the midst of trials, that’s who he will become. It’s important to focus on these things when life gets hard.” My boyfriend and I are looking to get married and even now, we’re practicing ways to honor each other and God and supporting each other in our dating journey. Even when my anxiety seems loud, he is there, I continue to choose him and to choose the truth over the lies. We thank each other for the work we’re putting into our own selves, we praise the wins and lean on each other during the lows. It is easy when the anxiousness hits to default to the negative, to only see flaws or be fearful of the what-ifs. But we continue to grow 🙂 Thank you for sharing this and reminding us to look for those special moments and beautiful things in our partner!
Thank you for your comment, Ashlyn. Yes, when we see the best in each other and support each other through life’s challenges while continuing to do our own deep healing work we’re laying the foundation for a successful marriage. It’s simple to understand and much more difficult to implement!
This filled my heart up and made my eyes brim with tears. Thank you for sharing this deep love with us. And may your love continue to grow abundantly and stay ever rooted in an ever-giving source of light.
Thank you. It fills my heart to receive your words 🙏🏽
Beautiful. I appreciate the transparency & openness to share your love with us.
Thank you, Malliha. ❤️🌸
Hi Sheryl – I’m a long time lurker of your blog and forum. I’ve found great support in this community! I’ve found myself in the throws of RA recently after being married a year and a half ago. I’ve struggled with so so many things from nitpicking him as a person to wondering if I enjoy spending time with him. He is honest, trustworthy, ambitious, hardworking, thoughtful, steadfast, supportive, intelligent, kind, caring, loyal, and much more. He has seen me through so much including my dad’s untimely death and several severe rounds of ROCD and Health Anxiety. I know he’ll never leave me and that shows me his willingness to grow and face hard fears. I used to tell everyone that I had never dated someone that I respected as my equal and admired until him. He’s an amazing husband and we share the same values and life goals. For some reason I find myself constantly scared by the notion of making a mistake. I’m plagued again by doubts and feel this repulsion and sick feeling surrounding everything he does. I’m quite convinced I never liked, loved or respected him much less liked spending time with him and it’s tearing me to shreds. I’m holding fast to my marriage because I meant when I said “to have and to hold til death do us part”, but I’m scared of these awful feelings. There aren’t any red flags, trust me I’ve analyzed my relationship over and over again to make sure. I just don’t know what to do. My biggest fear is that this time it isn’t ROCD at all. I believe in him, but that’s about all I can write right now with confidence. Not sure what I’m looking for, but I just wondered what you thought.
Since it sounds like the anxiety hasn’t been continuous, the question to become curious about is: What is this current round of relationship anxiety preventing me from feeling? In other words, it sounds like you know deep down that the relationship is solid and the issue isn’t with your husband or marriage, which means that there are other emotions/wounds/patterns that the anxiety is protecting you from feeling. The course guides you through this excavation process step by step, so if you’ve already taken it, it would be a great time to go through it again.
Thank you so much, Sheryl, for sharing your beautiful journey.
I deeply agree with you: personal growth, studying psychology, staying curious, and sharing the same core values create a powerful foundation for a great relationship, not only as a couple, but also with oneself, with sons and daughters, and with every meaningful bond in our lives.
At the same time, from my personal experience, I’ve learned that even if both partners are not equally committed to inner work, transformation is still possible. It may be slower. It may be harder. But it works.
When even one person in the relationship commits to inner growth — to transforming pain into purpose, to understanding patterns, to healing childhood wounds, something shifts. The energy changes. The emotional field changes. And slowly, the relationships around that person begin to transform as well.
The healing radiates.
It becomes deeply satisfying, not because everything is perfect, but because there is awareness, responsibility, and conscious evolution.
Thank you for inspiring us to keep growing.
Esmerelda: Thank you for your thoughtful comment, and yes I fully agree: the level of commitment to growth doesn’t have to be equal, and alchemical magic can happen even when one person delves deeply into their inner work. Thank you for adding this piece.
Oh Sheryl. This post is just so beautiful!
Thank you, Jen 🙂