How to Decode the Intrusive Thought: “You’re Too Silly”

by | Mar 10, 2019 | Anxiety, Break Free From Relationship Anxiety, Relationships | 41 comments

The relationship anxiety spike, “My partner is too silly” appears often in my work. On the surface this sounds like, “I feel annoyed when my partner is silly.” However, as I walk alongside my clients while they deconstruct what’s embedded inside the spike, several spokes of the wheel are revealed – none of which have anything to do with their partner. The most common are:

 

  • I’m afraid of losing control. Being silly is vulnerable and I’m afraid to be vulnerable.
  • I’m scared to let go.
  • I’m scared of looking “uncool”. I can feel my self-judgement come up when I’m silly. Do I look weird? Does my face look strange? This is projected onto my partner in the form of, “They look uncool” but it really comes down to my own fear of what other people think.
  • It reminds me of when I was made fun of as a kid for being silly. I had to stay within the lines. Being silly triggers this old pain.
  • When my partner is silly it touches a longing for what I didn’t receive as a child. I always wanted my parents to play with me but they rarely did.

One of the many reasons why I fell in love with my husband was his sense of play. When my heart was wide open and as unfettered as a flock of birds in spring in the early stages of our relationship, we were silly together for hours on end, creating voices for our pets and effortlessly traveling back in time into our childlike selves. Play and passion and sweetness and romance were entwined like multi-colored threads in the fabric of our new loving. I remember walking into his beachside apartment in Marina del Rey and seeing him standing at his art table, hair sticking up adorably, working on one of his children’s book illustrations of monkeys riding marbles. He melted my heart instantly in that moment, as he would countless times in those early months. His sense of play was evident in everything he did. My soul smiled widely.

But when relationship anxiety took hold and my inner channels slammed shut, I suddenly didn’t find him funny anymore. Had he changed or had I? Even then, even before I had learned to decipher the projections that grabbed me by the ankles and deconstruct the architecture of relationship anxiety, some part of me knew that the problem lay inside of me. Fear had distorted my perception, and I suddenly felt like all of the loose and free places inside of me were constrained and constricted. It felt awful, but I didn’t know how to open the blockages and return to that original state of play and freedom.

As I worked to unravel the fear-layers – and there were many of them – I started to open up again. But then we moved from Los Angeles to Denver with our two-year old son, my husband changed careers, we moved again, had another child, and it seemed like all play was sucked out of our marriage. It wasn’t, of course; he was still reaching for me, but I couldn’t reach back. He would joke and I wouldn’t respond. I had more inner work to do. And I had to figure out how to dig myself out of the new mother overwhelm that buried me like a pile of unwashed clothes.

I did the work. I peeled back my layers of projections. We also did our couples’ work and unraveled a negative cycle that had grown between us in the early years of parenthood. And then one day I looked up and saw him with crystal clarity again: handsome and sexy and… hysterically funny!

My husband is literally the most hilarious person I have ever met. He makes me laugh harder than any comedian, any television show, any human being on the planet. He’s always been this funny, but I was so buried in fear and mired in overwhelm that I couldn’t see it. He brings this sense of play and fun into our family daily. The dinner table is a quiet place before he takes his seat. And then the laughter begins.

Laughter is Good for Your Health

The healing power of laughter is underestimated in our self-help culture. In The Book of Joy, Douglas Abrams, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop Desmond Tutu talk extensively about humor and laughter. Abrams writes:

“I once heard that laughter was the most direct line between two people, and certainty the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop used humor to break down the social barriers that separate us. Humor, like humility, comes from the same root for humanity: humus. The lowly and sustaining earth is the source for all three words. Is it any surprise that we have to have a sense of humility to be able to laugh at ourselves and that to laugh at ourselves reminds us of our shared humanity?”

And the Dalai Lama says:

“It is much better when there is not too much seriousness. Laugher, joking is much better. Then we can be completely relaxed. I met some scientists in Japan, and they explained that wholehearted laughter – not artificial laughter – is very good for your heart and your health in general.”

With the focus on “getting better” and “helping ourselves” in the self-help world, it’s easy to fall prey to over-working and over-fixing, even while doing inner work. We forget that part of the path of well-being is having fun, playing, laughing, making music and listening to music, creating, lying in the grass, dancing. There may be nothing more soothing to the soul than playing in the dirt, and one of the tasks as adults is to discover what the grown-up version of playing in the dirt is for you.

Play Edges Out Anxiety

When you spend time in play, you naturally edge out anxiety; the soul revels in play and when the waters of the well of self are full there’s less room for anxiety to fester. Of course, if you’re seeking play as a way to fix yourself you’re back in the same mindset that assumes that you’re broken, and the pathways to joy will slam shut. We seek to play without attachment, play without checking it off our lists of things to-do, play with abandon. There is a paradox here, and as I wrote about in this post, it’s where we encounter paradox that we soften the barriers of resistance that prevent us from growing. So we dive into the center of this paradox, holding both sides of the conflict until the counterpoint reveals itself and a new beam of light emerges from the crack.

Play and art bring us back home, and when we move toward the tight places inside and attend to them from the ground up, we loosen up and let go and remember the joy in life. We can lay these foundations not only for ourselves but also for our children. In fact, it’s never too early to help children anchor into their well and fill it with warm, soothing waters, and, as my husband taught me early on – long before we had kids – one of the most powerful ways to do this is through high-quality picture books. When children absorb visually rich images paired with meaningful and playful words, their inner well of self is strengthened and filled; one moment of play edges out two of anxiety.

All of this to say that I’m so excited to share some of my husband’s play and creativity with you today; one of his books from his Monkey Marbles series, a counting book called Ten Monkey Marbles, is now available on my site (on the bottom of this page). After twenty years of doing this work and ten years of writing this blog, it’s time to share more of the source of inspiration with you: my rock, my safe haven, a beautiful man who is truly the wind beneath my wings. I hope you enjoy his playful spirit and that it ignites a sense of fun for both your inner and outer children. We look forward to hearing your thoughts!

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41 Comments

  1. Sheryl I’ve never known whether or not I loved my partner (now husband) who I’ve been with for over 30 years. I’ve realised its impossible not to know – you either do or you dont! I’m now going to have to leave him & am so afraid of my future. I feel like my whole life has been a lie & don’t know who I am anymore. I feel numb. I’m seeing a counseller but nothing is helping. I’m consumed with anxiety.

    Reply
      • Hi Sheryl,

        I’m probably triggered by this because I’m letting a story build. However, I am wondering if you mean by “you may NOT know if you love your partner” is just about accepting the uncertainty and that love truly is a choice not necessarily a feeling? I guess I always get deeply consumed by the idea that if I feel I’m NOT in love with my partner it must be my truth.

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      • I can’t sleep now or eat. I’m so afraid of the future. I took early retirement last year & have no means of supporting myself when I leave. I’m at my wits end.

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        • I’m not sure I can hold it together even to get a job. I’m constantly in panic mode.

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          • Are you seeing your counselor weekly?

            Reply
    • Hi Lynne

      Don’t despair. I went through something very similar a couple of years ago when my partner announced that she was going to retire. You mention in a follow up note that you just took early retirement. That is a big transition in life and can stir up all kinds of emotions and anxiety. What it’s doing for you and exactly what it did for me. For me, it brought to the surface some kind of fear – which I have now narrowed down to the fear of getting older/aging (there are a few other personal issues I have as well but that was the main one). I started questioning everything with regards to my relationship – did I love her, did I ever really love her. All that sort of stuff. My anxiety came exploding to the surface and it was very overwhelming. Up until that point I had had no doubts about my partner and everything was rosy. But then like I said, when she told she was going to retire and wham it hit me like a tonne of bricks. But it’s just fear and the ego trying to protect you. Fortunately I had the experience to know to not to try and make a ‘decision’ when my ‘fear-based’ thinking was in control which is sounds like it is with you as well. I was also fortunate that I was and still am practicing yoga (coincidentally something my wife introduced me to). And finally I am thankful that I found Sheryl’s course on Relationship Anxiety and signed up. That course has helped me immensely and I would highly recommend it. And by the way I am still with my partner and although there are still some difficult days – they are getting less and less frequent and when they do arise I have my work and learnings through Sheryl’s course to help guide me through it.

      Reply
      • Thank you for this beautiful and compassionate response. I will make sure that Lynne sees it.

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        • Thank you Sheryl for ensuring that I see this response & yes getting older & poss ill has something to do with it for me too.

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      • Thank you Al for taking time to reply. Trouble is I’ve always had doubts right from the very beginning of our relationship & its taken its toll on me mentally over the years (even causing mental breakdowns).

        Reply
  2. I sat out in nature for awhile this afternoon, away from the rest of the world for a bit, and without any distractions the feelings surfaced: the “loss” of my family after moving out of state; the loss of my single identity as an engaged woman transitioning into marriage; the fear of losing control; of the uncertainty of life; of making a mistake. The realization that I have unconsciously made others responsible for my aliveness and seem to have lost myself in the process.

    I never realized the extent that becoming engaged would feel like a death of sorts…and instead of tending to these feelings, my mind has chased thought after thought after thought about how my fiance is not right in some way so I didn’t have to face my pain and my fear.

    In this state of being in the heart instead of the mind, though, the thoughts don’t matter anymore. The thoughts are the distraction, the noise. Instead of the thoughts comes a feeling of grief, and I let it be. I don’t analyze it too much, or push it away. And I feel that I am finally making progress.

    Reply
    • This is exactly what I mean when I say “doing the work”: dropping down out of the chatter and noise of the mind and being with the grief, uncertainty, and beauty that live in the heart. You are making process, indeed ;).

      Reply
  3. Sheryl,
    I love your work and I think it always comes in the perfect times. I’m going through a job change and my anxiety is through the roof. Being able to read your calm words has helped tremendously. I realize every time there’s a tradition I get fixated on one thing I think is wrong and I play it like a broken record in my head. This time it’s: my new boss is a male, what if I do something wrong? Reading you “what if I have an affair?” And other articles has gotten me through these changes. Thank you for your work

    Reply
    • I’m so glad my work has been helpful, Vicky, and yes, anxiety will almost always rear its head during transitions. It’s great that you’re able to name it and can pull back the projection to address the feelings at the root.

      Reply
  4. Sheryl, I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently as my partner is silly a lot of the time. I know I’ve got my own stuff about not being seen but I sometimes don’t know where the line is. Like I don’t know how to be silly tho I’m learning, and sometimes when he is silly I think his jokes are lame or I think “can we really joke like that? Is that ok?” My dad shut down play pretty quickly and the friends I have, tho they let their kids play, they kinda policed how they played. Like my sisters kids like fart jokes and boy stuff like my partner, but if my friends kids said that they would tell them “that’s inappropriate we don’t talk like that”. I’ve felt really confused on what’s ok and what’s not. How do u know?

    Reply
    • Since I know how much inner work you’ve been doing, I’d like to pass the question back to you ;). How might you answer it from your own wise and loving inner parent?

      Reply
      • Lol. I laugh cause I thought, “she’s gonna ask me to ask my inner adult.” Which was reassurance seeking and abdicating responsibility. My WS says “he is trying to torture me!” But as i dialogued w it my wise adult says “your nephews are little boys and they like that stuff. And d is silly like that every now and then and some guys like it. It’s okay to let him be and enjoy something silly. And it’s okay for you to say silly, stupid, and immature things. Heck, have fun with it! You never got to! No matter what u say I know u are loving and sweet and won’t make accusations at u. I love you.”

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          • Thanks Sheryl. Also had to say one more thing. I feel like I have so many spikes and given my past I know it’s common. But I had a dream that I was sitting with my “dorky” friends from college, high school, and middle school and we were sitting in a balcony/on the sidelines watching this guy I used to like give a talk. He was so savvy and articulate and I loved that about him, tho he really was not a good friend. I woke up with a sad feeling about it. But it just hit me that I think I somehow sidelined my dorky self and my loyal friends and elevated what it meant to be “cool” and “acceptable.” Like I’ve disowned that aspect of myself and others. If u have any other insights I would appreciate them but I think I hit more of the work in my dream.

            Reply
            • Yes, those sound like disowned aspects of yourself that are longing for re-integration.

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              • I can relate to this. I feel like this is the root of my relationship anxiety – my nerdy side is longing for attention, but my husband just can’t quite go there with me in humor and nerding out. It causes me a lot of distress to the point that I fear I have married the wrong person, we have a kid, oh my gosh what was I thinking-type rabbit hole. I wonder also if this is real or just a projection. Because we have times when we really connect on humor, he is hilarious, and I feel he is awesome and I can accept we are different people. Thoughts? Advice? I am working my way through the relationship anxiety course, but really fear I will get to the end of the course and will still have this fear and anxiety.

                Reply
                • We will never marry our clone, and there will be times when our differences trigger a deep sense of loneliness, as I wrote about here:

                  https://conscious-transitions.com/wonder-twins-please-rescue-me-from-this-one-pain/

                  Keep working through the course, Nancy, and pay particular attention to the sections on learning to attend to your emotional life and taking full responsibility for your well-being. Not having a shared sense of humor is NOT a reason to walk away!

                  Reply
  5. Could you please give an advice for people struggling with relationship anxiety in a long distance relationship? I see a lot of people talking about things that involve touch and physical contact, so I feel worse sometimes.

    Reply
    • The basic principles of working with relationship anxiety are the same regardless of the specifics of the situation. There are a lot of people who have struggled with relationship anxiety while in a long distance relationship and when they apply the principles I teach in my work/courses, they’re able to work through it.

      Reply
      • Nina, just to encourage you that it’s absolutely possible to work through anxiety while in a long distance relationship!! (3.5yrs in a LDR, seeing each other once per year, happily married nearly 1yr – I speak from experience.)
        The distance can feel challenging, not having the person close to enjoy and by which to gauge things, but the distance is also a huge gift in that it gives you a chance to dive into the deep anxiety work without distraction. Whatever the LDR brings up would be the same as in a “nearby” relationship.
        If the anxiety is popping up, that means that THIS IS YOUR TIME to deeply heal so you can share your heart in a way that’s real. It’s so worth it!
        Read through Sheryl’s blog posts – they’re an amazing resource! And take a course if you’re able – they create a special space for healing to happen. Blessings to you as you journey.

        Reply
        • Thank you both for your replies!
          UnforcedRhythmsOfGrace, that was so encouraging!! I’ve read through a lot of Sheryl’s blog posts already and it’s been really helpful. I will definitely take a course as soon as possible!
          Thank you so much, wish you the best.

          Reply
  6. Hi Sheryl!

    So I consider myself a pretty goofy person and thats something that initially attracted me to my boyfriend (now of almost 3 years). After about a year it’s like one day I just started to panic and I thought maybe today I don’t want him to come home and I panicked with that I thought. Eventually it led to a break up that I never really recovered from and now we are back together but I still find myself sometimes getting annoyed with his goofiness even tho that’s why I started dating him. I feel like a hypocrite. He never gets mad at me for being goofy but there I go shutting him down which then further leads me to think are we meant to be together (very confusing I know). There’s times where I feel like ugh I wanna marry him someday and then others when I panic when he shows me some romantic proposal on social media ect. I was apart of your break free from relationship anxiety course I guess almost two years ago now. I just feel like I’m not at my full “appreciation level” that I should be towards him. It all just makes me feel bad.

    Reply
    • Hi Meg: It sounds like even though you’ve taken the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course you haven’t quite integrated the work yet, as evidenced by the degree to which you’re still believing the projection that says that the problem is your loving partner. . It can take time for some people to integrate the work, especially if there’s early attachment trauma – or any trauma at all. I’m curious what daily actions and practices you’ve incorporated from the course. The course offers the information, support, and tools to help you break free but then it’s up to you to do the work.

      Reply
      • I feel like I have my good days and my bad days. I struggled with anxiety right out of highschool but did alot of self work to get passed that and learn tools. One that I really like is righting down an intrusive thought then try and justify it with concrete evidence. This has helped with my anxiety in that I can pretty much never prove my intrusive thoughts to be right. My partner is very loving and on my good days I’m good at realizing my projections and changing them. But it’s on my bad days that I sometimes think maybe we both need someone different in life. As for attachment, this is where it gets me. I feel like I’ve had a very loving childhood and I guess struggle to figure out any problems with that part of my life. It’s hard because I don’t want to have to deal with this the rest of our relationship but understand that maybe it will take more work.

        Reply
  7. Hi Sheryl,
    Sometimes I wish I could find my boyfriend silly, stupid, irritating, boring, unattractive. These types of qualities are the ones that seem to be the most commonly discussed here. It seems that when one feels like that one is in position of power.

    I would love to hear your thoughts about what could be the underlying reason that one feels rather the opposite: not being in power yourself but too powerless. The boyfriend seems to strong, powerful, clever, attractive, masculine. I fear that he could swallow me whole and that I could just disappear into the relationship. The last thing has actually almost happened: I really lost my own perspective during conflicts and somehow took his stand against myself. I have not figured out how much I should be able to stand on my own feet versus relying on him. Any thoughts in any form at any time about the fear of powerful and masculine boyfriend would be appreciated.

    Reply
    • If I’m remembering correctly, you have an enmeshed relationship with your mother, yes? When that’s the case, it can be challenging to retain your sense of self in a relationship. As you work to disentangle from your mother and establish your separate identity, you’ll have an easier time asserting yourself in your relationship.

      But remember: fear of losing self and fear of losing other are flip sides of the same coin: the fear of loss. All of this work applies to you, you’re just dealing with the other side of the coin, as I wrote about here:

      https://conscious-transitions.com/would-you-like-to-know-why-real-love-is-so-scary/

      Reply
      • Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do believe that I have/have had an enmeshed relationship with my mother in the sense that we both felt as we were part of one unity. If I had stomach ache she got stomach ache. This has only felt very good and it seemed to me that my boyfriend was doing things wrong when he was not forming himself around me like my mother did. But I have slowly begun to learn that I am a separate self. Standing on my own feet only is very difficult though as my instinct is to lean on him and rely on that he speaks for me. It does not work as he will speak for himself and not for me.

        Thanks also for pointing out that the work applies to me! I don’t know how many times I have doubted that on the basis that I don’t find my boyfriend unattractive or annoying but rather too much and that I feel too small. Even though you say thousands of times that if the thoughts don’t have the exact form as you write them it still applies. 🙂

        To everyone suffering from lack of attraction or irritation, I do believe that you are suffering but from my point of view you are lucky because you seem to feel so safe in order to feel that, although you may not think about in in that way.

        Reply
  8. This is so beautiful Sheryl and speaks so much to my relationship! My husband brings so much silliness and is also funnier than any comedian!! I am just recently able to experience this beautiful part of him more recently. It was also so evident in the start of our relationship and a major reason we connected so deeply and quickly. We would laugh and make up funny scenarios until all hours of the night! And then when the fear rolled in and my heart began to close I could not connect with it anymore. Thank you to your work and my inner knowing I knew it was me and he had not changed. He would be so silly and dance around with our daughter and I was frozen, judging… but deep down it was what I always wanted in a partner and I knew that I had to figure out how to join in! Lately we dance around all the time and I am back to hysterically laughing with him and it is nothing short of amazing! It has taken a lot of peeling the layers to get here but I am so thankful for it all!

    Reply
    • Beautiful, Stevie! Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Here’s the letting go and having fun!

      Reply
  9. Once again Sheryl, thank you. I live in Norway, and I get reminder about your blog posts in the midle of the night and it is a great way to start my week.

    I want to say thank you for reminding me that life is a transition. And we always shift, even every day (from night to morning), and sometimes I do forget that. I am in the middle of a deep trauma healing. I don’t really get how, but something clicked when I read this post. My transition from a wounded child to a grown and strong woman is also a transition, not just healing. I am beginning to become a new person, and that is scary as I am being met with a new level of uncertainty. And maybe that’s why my relationship anxiety has been so active lately.

    Also, when reading the last paragraph realized that every day that I am not breaking up with my partner or moving away from him, is my way of choosing him every day. It is all I am capable to do at this time, and that is perfectly fine. My partner is my rock and it is only because of him I have been able to deep down inside of me and touch upon my unhealed wounds.

    Reply
    • Yes, yes, Paola. I’m so glad that my posts and work are providing a source of anchor and comfort for you during this challenging time. It’s when it’s darkest that we heal the most. Sending love.

      Reply
  10. I have a question that seems somewhat related to this post. My relationship started at a young age, before my partner and I were intimate sexually. As a result there has been a lot of silliness/cuteness over the years, almost to the point of, now that we are married and intimate, it’s sometimes hard to consider him a “sexy” person as much as he is my adoring, sweet, thoughtful husband. Can I keep all those good things I love about him while making room for a more sexual side? I know this is inner work, really. I never gave myself permission to explore sexually, and now that I can, have not really much idea of what I’m doing. I took your SS class last year and really enjoyed it. I know this is upending a lifetime of messaging and therefore takes time.

    Reply
    • Yes, you can absolutely keep all the good things while making room for a more sexual side! This topic always comes up on the Sacred Sexuality course and my response is to encourage you to bring the silliness and playfulness itself into your sexual relationship. The two need not be separate ;).

      Reply
  11. What about a relationship where me and my partner went through a torrid phase where there was borderline betrayal on both sides. On some level, I felt abandoned by her. Ironically, she clung hard to me and the relationship and we didn’t let go of the relationship and fought like hell for it. But I did feel abandoned and the aftermath of that is my relationship anxiety. Since then there has been so much growth. We both went to individual therapy, worked on ourselves. I have been regularly reading your blog and incorporating your wisdom in my life as much as I can. Today we are married and have truly embarked on a healing path. Now, I can safely say I’m in a healthy, safe relationship with this woman whom I trust from the bottom of my heart. She’s a lovely person, with a heart of gold. There are so many dreams we have together today. It seems too good to be true. I love her so much but I’m in some anxious loop or another all the time. But I keep thinking that “your relationship has gone through betrayal”. “Sheryl would call it a red-flag relationship”, “you never really loved her”, “You are just using her”, “You are going to break her heart”, “A relationship that starts on a bad note will always fail”. Unstoppable barrage of such thoughts that stress me out and don’t allow me to be present and loving. Is there some grieving that I have yet to do Sheryl? Or is my relationship a red flag relationship?

    Reply
  12. Isn’t there such a thing as a bad match between partners, even if neither of them has no red flags? Even if both are kind, caring, and have the willingness to grow and love one another…what about when all that is true, but being together feels like nails on a chalk board and their every move makes your insides grate.

    Other couples seem to love one another with so much less bickering, hyperarousal, and nit picking. What if all the things in this article are true and you aren’t even married! https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-6-things-that-predict-divorce/

    Reply
    • I will write more about this in a future blog post as it’s a question I’m frequently asked, but the short answer is this: What Gottman is talking about in the article are ways in which couples fail to learn effective conflict resolution skills. This has nothing to do with being a “bad match” and everything to do with not receiving proper guidance and education about how to be in a relationship (which nobody receives). Gottman’s work is excellent, as is Sue Johnson’s who wrote “Hold Me Tight”, but their focus is on conflict, not on relationship anxiety.

      Reply

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