“When there’s something big for me to get, it comes through the messenger of the god Pan; he is the deliverer…

“Whatever lives in our particular chemistry, wiring, history, trauma that causes deep, important lessons to show up in a variety of ways – through OCD or anxiety or depression or addiction – is just fascinating to me. And that ultimately there is a common task for all of us, which is how do we work with fear? How do we move towards trust and letting go?”

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In this week’s Gathering Gold episode, Victoria and I continue our deep dive into themes from my new audio collection Thresholds: Reflections at Midlife, with an exploration of the terrifying undertow of panic attacks.

I share how panic attacks have grabbed me in the ocean, in elevators, while driving, and at nightfall. I introduce the Greek mythological Pan, and give a sneak peek into how I befriended the god of pandemonium, which I unpack in more depth in Thresholds.

We talk about the subtle shades of light and shadow that can evoke panic, and the roots of trauma from which panic may grow. And we discuss how both on-the-spot tools and deep therapeutic work can help us to move through fear and into life.

Here’s the written version of the excerpt that we shared in the episode.

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March 20, 2022

Come, Pan. I see you. In two weeks, we’ll likely meet face to face on the airport train, on the elevator, on the plane. I can feel you already, the way you sidle up my sides in tingles, the way my throat starts to close and vision tunnels. How quickly it feels like I’m going to lose my mind or die.

But you won’t die. Take my hand and let’s dance. I am Panic and Pandemonium but I’m also Pan Flutes. Let’s hum, my forest friend. Remember you’re a forest-nymph, just like me. The forest is here now surrounding you, only the trees look like people. 

But it’s not the forest, Pan. In the forest I’m free. The air is infinite. I can leave if I want to.

Yes, but you had a panic attack in the forest once. In the redwoods when you couldn’t see the sky. It’s an illusion to think that there are free places and trapped places. It’s all in your mind. You’re as safe on an elevator as you are in the redwoods. 

It doesn’t feel like that in my body.

Of course not. But it’s the way it is. We can sing and dance anyway.

***

The journal entries continue, documenting my dance with Pan and how I worked through the several layers of the claustrophobia that re-emerged in January 2019. If you struggle with panic attacks, this section offers a roadmap rooted in science, myth, dreams, imagination, and above else, compassion, to guide you through.

For a short time, we’re offering a 10% discount on Thresholds for podcast listeners – enter GOLD10 at checkout – and a 20% discount for Patrons, which you can find on our Patreon website.