When the fear-fog clears, when the projection that has kept him separate from you and sealed a barnacle over your heart finally shatters, you see your partner as if for the first time. Not only do you see her clearly, in all of her sweet and simple splendor, but the delusions of separateness fall away, and you can see how under the hooks of
do we have enough to talk about or
he’s wrong for me or
she’s not attractive enough or
I’m always irritated or
social fluidity or
lives the voice that says:
I have loved you all along.
In those moments of clear-seeing, like sunshine after rain, it’s as if there is no “me” or “you” but only us, or maybe it’s fully me and fully you that makes the us so good.
Without the fear-fog clouding vision, you can see what matters most: her heart of goodness, his mind of honesty, her willingness to keep trying, to keep showing up even when you’re stuck behind the dark wall of shame and projections, even when your past flies out like a thousand bats at night and lands in your bed, even when you’re a thousand miles away while standing side by side.
In real life, the projections don’t fall away in one magic movie moment. Rather, they shatter then seal over then shatter again, a hundred times, a thousand times, a million times, until the space between projections is longer and the place of real love is wider. In the clear moments, you know what you know which is that I do not want to walk away. I want to know what it is to love, fully, without restraint, without fear. I want to know what it is to receive your love every day, to stand at every doorway of our life holding each other while the winds of change blow around us. I want to grow old together, not just to count up the years but where each year of our marriage brings new richness and depth, where our grandchildren look at us and say, “I want their marriage.” Passion will still pulse between us when we’re ninety. We will be Love Warriors.
This “you” of which I speak is the thousands of clients and course members who I have guided through the fear walls and barriers that prevent a heart from fully loving. For clear-minded and open-hearted loving is what we all want. We live in a culture that expects us to get there naturally and fails to teach us that there are reliable principles and actionable steps that can help us shrink fear and grow love. If you would like to learn the Love Laws and Loving Actions that will help you clear away the fog and see through clear-eyes, please join me for my next round of Open Your Heart: A 30-day program to feel more love and attraction for your partner. This twelfth round will start on March 12, 2018, and I look forward to seeing you there.