Something is Broken, But It’s Not You

by | Feb 7, 2021 | Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts, Trust Yourself | 20 comments

Let’s start here, which is one of the premises of Jungian psychology: Your greatest strength lives within your greatest pain. When you eradicate your symptoms without approaching them with curiosity and compassion, you eradicate a pathway that leads to your true power.

In other words, there is wisdom in your symptoms. Sometimes you need to reduce the intensity of the symptoms before you can harness the wisdom, and this is where many mainstream therapy tools are effective, but if the entire goal of therapy is to eradicate symptoms, a new set of symptoms will likely pop up someplace else until the underlying messages are received.

But it’s not only mainstream therapy that is single-mindedly focused on symptom reduction to the exclusion of the deeper healing potential. Most of our systems are predicated on the intention of eliminating pain by eradicating symptoms. I can’t tell you how many times clients have told me how, as a suffering teenager, they were taken to a psychiatrist and after twenty minutes of telling their story were given a prescription for an anti-depressant. There is a time and a place for pharmaceuticals, but this is not one of them.

A teenager suffering through adolescent angst and likely being the seer in the family needs to be heard, received, and guided across the tenuous threshold of their transition into adulthood while learning ways to honor their sensitive emotional life and developing meaningful and feasible regular practices that can usher them not only across this transition but through life. Adolescence, like all transitions, is a portal where our inner world leaps onto the scene in high relief and we can either develop habits of hardening and numbing or habits that lead us in the direction of our gifts. Sadly, our systems enforce the former and imprint upon young people a harsh and damaging message that says: We don’t have time for your pain so we’re going to make it go away as quickly as possible.

 

Every time a teenager receives the message that something is wrong with them, a layer of self-trust is eroded. 

 

Because our culture is grief-and-pain phobic, we refuse to listen to the canaries in the coalmine. I’ll share another example of how this plays out. When housewives in the 1950s exhibited symptoms of depression in response to a lifestyle in which there were no options to do anything other than cook and clean, they were given cocaine and methyl-amphetamines. As a result, countless women became addicted to drugs and their voices of protest were successfully silenced. Instead of the doctors saying, “Maybe it’s the system that’s making you feel oppressed and depressed,” they blamed the women. Eventually, of course, the women’s voices were heard, but it came at an extraordinary cost to the thousands, if not millions, of women who were drugged.

 

Every time a woman receives the message that something is wrong with her, a layer of self-trust is eroded. 

 

Likewise, we have a generation of young people who have been drugged from an early age because they can’t comply with the demands of the educational system. They need to move when they’re expected to sit. They’re visual-spatial learners in a verbal-linear paradigm. They’re highly sensitive introverts in a system that demands continuous social contact.

 

Every time a child receives the message that something is wrong with them, a layer of self-trust is eroded. 

 

In this same vein, as I often write, your symptoms of anxiety, depression, addiction, insomnia, obsessions, and compulsions are communicating vast storehouses of wisdom, literally runes and gems that live in the treasure chest of the unconscious. They may be alerting you to broken external systems or internal places that need attention – or both. If you silence the symptoms too quickly without trying to decode the message, you run the risk of missing the message. It’s not always easy to decode the messages because the unconscious speaks in the language of metaphor and our culture doesn’t teach us this language; we are rational-scientific culture that has lost touch with the deeper impulses that inform the soul that cannot be seen or measured under a microscope. But the unconscious, which speaks through the body in the form of symptoms, longs for you to turn toward it, listen closely, and try to understand its language.

 

Every time you’ve been told that your symptoms are anything other than wise manifestations from the unconscious trying to help you heal and instead received the message that you’re broken in some way, an element of self-trust is eroded.

 

It’s a systemic gaslighting where the child-then-adult learns to outsource self-trust in favor of parents, teachers, clergy, and even therapists who send the message that their symptoms are evidence of brokenness or that “failure to conform” is evidence that something is wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with the child who can’t sit still for 7 hours a day in a traditional school environment.

There’s nothing wrong with a teenage who’s acutely aware of the pain of the world and the fact that death is inevitable. There’s nothing wrong with the woman who says, “There must be more to life than housework.”

There’s nothing wrong with the person who struggles with anxiety in any form. Yes, the symptoms are excruciating, and by no means do I wish for people to suffer in their symptoms while their lives become increasing smaller. But when we learn to listen to the wisdom embedded in the symptoms and respond accordingly our lives enlarge and enhance in unimaginable ways, and we step closer into our true gifts, which are longing to meet the world. Every person’s genius is wrapped up in their pain, and it’s only when we move toward this pain with curiosity and compassion that we can live out our gifts and allow them to touch the world.

If you would like to begin or continue to process of healing the shame that has eroded your self-trust and reclaim this most essential human right – the right to know yourself and love yourself which results in self-trust – I invite you to join me for the 15th live round of Trust Yourself: A 30-Day Course to Help You Overcome Your Fear of Failure, Caring What Others Think, Perfectionism, Difficulty Making Decisions, and Self-Doubt. The course will start on Saturday, February 20th, 2021, spots are filling very quickly, and I very much look forward to meeting you there.

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20 Comments

  1. What am amazing, empowering article. I know that for many people labels and diagnoses (‘OCD’, ‘GAD’) are helpful, but they can sometimes leave me feeling broken which makes me feel even worse. This piece of writing is a fantastic antidote. Thank you.

    Reply
      • Beautifully said, as a 12 year old being bullied I was put in antidepressants to alleviate symptoms and then increased the dosage and added many other meds after an abusive relationship at 17. As an adult, I made the decision to go off and have since realized how much pain and wisdom I had been avoiding due to that. I agree that they are necessary sometimes but often wish I hadn’t been put on them at such a young age. I’ve been labeled with depression, GAD, and OCD and told I wouldn’t be fixed without meds but since I’ve started your programs and working with an IFS therapist, my symptoms are slowly decreasing since I’m attending to my inner wounds that have been there for a very long time. It was a relief for me to learn these things are often symptoms and messengers and not something fundamentally “wrong” with me. Thank you for your work Sheryl, if it wasn’t for your courses/articles and the work I’ve done with my therapist now I would’ve let fear be in the driver seat but am slowly reclaiming my power and learning about love with a wonderful partner.

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        • Thank you so much for sharing your story, Clara. It’s quite inspiring to read.

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      • This is truly amazing Sheryl. I am currently going through your Conscious wedding course. Its been work to say the least. I am reading multiple books one of which is the wisdom of anxiety and Rewiring your anxiour braing. Something I am learning is we have no actual control over thoughts or even emotions the Amygdala controls all of that but we do have control over our behaviors and how we choose to react. I am in a very serious relationship and have been delving into the deepest depths of myself which I have realised a fear of actual real love there is a fear there of the unknown, rejection, uncertainty, loss and a lot of that I learned at a young age being a total daddys girl and feeling unsafe when we would stay with him when my parents were divorced. My mom told me I put my dad on a pedastal but he would leave in the night and I would call her scared. Learning this really makes a lot of sense why most of my relationships were with people unavailable and nothing but drama and all I prayed for is what I have now. But it is hard to accept that I am deserving of this life which is what love is supposed to be like. We are three years in and living together and not yet engaged but I do notice where I project and put walls up because I am so afraid to be raw and to be hurt. Very interesting with all this work what is coming up for me. Truly grateful for you!!!!

        Reply
  2. “… But when we learn to listen to the wisdom embedded in the symptoms and respond accordingly our lives enlarge and enhance in unimaginable ways”
    Currently going through something where I had to be reminded of this. I did your anxiety course 5 years ago, and it saved my relationship. We’re now engaged and have slowly started to plan the wedding. also turning 30 this year which I’m trying to “prepare” for. So with all this going on I had a dream about 4 weeks ago, about my very first love. The dreams kept happening and I ignored them. Until this weekend where I was literally woken by one of them, followed by such an intense feeling of grief and longing, that I’ve not experienced since RA entered my life around 5y ago. Thankfully I know that it doesn’t mean I want to marry my first ever boyfriend! But still, I forgot how painful this is. My current escape hatch is that I feel an intense desire/compulsion to speak to him, as a way to turn back time and reconnect with my 15 year old self. The intense fear that comes up when I think of the possibility that I might not be able to speak to him, and might never see him again is overwhelming right now.
    Our break up from 14 years! ago feels like it was yesterday and so raw. It’ll take a lot of grieving and crying but I know that it’s preparing me for these next transitions and not to take it at face value. Thanks for all you do!

    Reply
    • Hi Lisa,

      I just wanted to say I have so many parallels in my life. Sheryl’s course kept me in my relationship, and we also recently got engaged and are slowly planning our wedding. I also am turning 30 in a month and am working on consciously moving through that transition and honoring my 20s. And, I have been having many dreams lately, though not about an ex. But I do relate to what you’re sharing because a former very good friend who expressed his love for me before I rejected his advances has appeared in my dreams many times. I’ve also had the compulsion that I need to talk to him to have closure, or maybe even to find out if I should really be with him. I know most times that this isn’t true, and he recently got married which is helpful for combatting my projections.

      Anyways, just wanted to express how much I connect with what you’ve shared, and I hope you find some insight, healing, and cleansing as your work with what’s coming up around the ex. You clearly are really wise and deeply in touch with the underlying work this trigger is bringing you to do. I wish you the best!

      Reply
      • Hi Brittany, thank you so much for the reply and for sharing you story. It’s still so crazy to me how this happens to so many people, yet it’s still considered such a taboo topic a lot of the times.
        I think if I had not done the anxiety course 5 years ago, then this would affect me even harder, and I’d probably start wondering if it does in fact mean I should be marrying someone else. I think in the case of both of our stories, it’s simply a matter of grieving our old identities, and saying goodbye to all the people we were once with, or could have been with, now that we are about to get married. It’s tough, I never did this work when I transitioned into my twenties. I think I now have to grief twice as hard, for the end of my twenties and the end of my first relationship in my teens. I can’t think of myself as a thirty year old, to me that just sounds terribly old, and boring 😀 The story I tell myself is that when you’re still in your 20s you are fun and young, and as soon as the number changes, you are old and boring. I know that’s not true but it’s a big trigger for me, getting older and settling. Another thing I’m not ruling out is the pandemic. I live in the UK and it’s terrible over here, we’ve been in lockdown for over 2 months and most of 2020 with literally nothing to do. So it’s easy for the mind to daydream, about better times, when you felt more alive. Not being able to do anything makes me feel extra old. As with everything, this will pass. I’m glad you found some closure, I’m sure I will too

        Reply
  3. Beautiful

    Reply
    • Hi Brittany, thank you so much for the reply and for sharing you story. It’s still so crazy to me how this happens to so many people, yet it’s still considered such a taboo topic a lot of the times.
      I think if I had not done the anxiety course 5 years ago, then this would affect me even harder, and I’d probably start wondering if it does in fact mean I should be marrying someone else. I think in the case of both of our stories, it’s simply a matter of grieving our old identities, and saying goodbye to all the people we were once with, or could have been with, now that we are about to get married. It’s tough, I never did this work when I transitioned into my twenties. I think I now have to grief twice as hard, for the end of my twenties and the end of my first relationship in my teens. I can’t think of myself as a thirty year old, to me that just sounds terribly old, and boring 😀 The story I tell myself is that when you’re still in your 20s you are fun and young, and as soon as the number changes, you are old and boring. I know that’s not true but it’s a big trigger for me, getting older and settling. Another thing I’m not ruling out is the pandemic. I live in the UK and it’s terrible over here, we’ve been in lockdown for over 2 months and most of 2020 with literally nothing to do. So it’s easy for the mind to daydream, about better times, when you felt more alive. Not being able to do anything makes me feel extra old. As with everything, this will pass. I’m glad you found some closure, I’m sure I will too

      Reply
  4. Waouh. So articulate, full of wisdom. You help make the world a better place. Thank you.

    Reply
  5. Sheryl, have you ever thought of running a course for parents? I would gladly sign up. I have an 11 year old who is suffering.

    She is highly sensitive and worries about everything, from me dying to the earth exploding. It has become so bad that she doesnt sleep which has badly impacted on her day to day life.

    I try my best to listen and to comfort her. Last night we spoke of giving her worries to the angels, but I’m concerned that this is a form of ‘numbing’ as you say. The pandemic has worsended things naturally but she has always been highly sensitive.

    Reply
      • Thank you Sheryl xx

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  6. Sheryl,

    is it okay to romantically fantasize about another person that’s not your partner? I feel like I’ve “fallen in love” with another person, but I don’t want to leave her!

    Am i broken?

    Reply
    • Something that has helped me is looking at what the “fantasy partner” represents. For me I have an ex who returns in daydreams a lot. When I was with him I felt alive, awake and excited. We shared a love of music and art. I know when he comes into my mind it’s my soul asking me for more creativity. I make space to listen to a new music artist, to pull out my paints. Sometimes I can’t help but indulge the fantasies… what if I saw him again? But most days I realize it’s a projection and a call from my deeper self. You are not broken, you only need to rediscover your wholeness. The soul knows what it’s doing. <3

      Reply
  7. This all resonates so much with me!!! I am turning 60 and have always identified myself as the sensitive one in my family of origin, of course, that meant I was weak and needy. I had a few bouts that I realize now were anxiety, but I had my first full-blown panic/anxiety episode that lasted for days when my kids were in high school. I have struggled off and on, on and off medication, never wanting to be on medication. But, now even my husband is convinced I have a chemical imbalance and I need to be on medication. So, I am right now, but this fall when I started meditating regularly, I clearly felt a message that it is time to heal some old wounds. So, I have been searching and searching to find the right therapist, the right process. I did some shame work in my 20s and so I recognize there is shame involved. Most of it has to do with having anxiety and my brain telling me I am broken and need to be locked up somewhere. I finally found Karla McLaren, then Dr. Claire Weeks, then Barry McDonagh which then led me to you and your ideology, which is what my inner self has been telling me despite my husband’s insistence and my psychiatrist. I’m so glad to have found you and this work and I am signed up for Trust Yourself and I’m in your 7-day mini course since I can’t get into your full course till, hopefully, September 2021. I do believe God has brought me on this path and there are answers for me here.

    Reply
    • I’m so glad that the God-breadcrumbs led you to my work, and I hear a deep readiness to dive more deeply into your inner world and decode the messages that have been needing attention for a long time. I look forward to connecting on the 9-month course.

      Reply

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