The Cracks are How the Light Comes In

When discussing the concept that a root cause of relationship anxiety is the fear of being hurt by love, course members and coaching clients will often say, “I had a good childhood with loving parents. Why would I be so scared of love?” I’ve written other posts about how essential it is to peel the veil of perfection or idealism off of our parents or childhood if we’re going to heal, for there can be no doubt that, because we’re imperfect humans, there will always be places where our parents missed the mark, times when they didn’t attune, and incidences where they failed to honor our sensitivity or teach us how to feel our feelings. Very few parents of older generations possessed the emotional intelligence to raise emotionally intelligent children. It wasn’t their fault; they simply didn’t have the healing tools at their disposal that we do today. The fact … Click here to continue reading...

Great Doubt Great Awakening

I’ll never forget the day I was trying to find a parking spot at our local market and I saw this bumper sticker:

Great Doubt Great Awakening

Little Doubt Little Awakening

No Doubt Fast Asleep

– Zen Maxim

Now, Boulder is full of philosophical bumper stickers of all persuasions, but if you know my work, I’m sure you can imagine why this one brought a huge smile to my face. You mean Zen Buddhism is supporting what I talk about every day in my work? How wonderful!

Buddhist Psychotherapist Tara Brach says it this way:

“Like investigation, healthy doubt arises from the urge to know what is true–it challenges assumptions or the status quo in service of healing and freedom. In contrast, unhealthy doubt arises from fear or aversion, and it questions one’s own basic potential or worth, or the value of another.”

― Tara Brach, True Refuge: Finding Peace Click here to continue reading...

Relationship Anxiety and the Million Dollar Question

It’s the question that wakes you up on the middle of the night. It’s the question that gnaws at your gut and makes your stomach drop with roller-coaster fear. It’s the question that Googled you to many sites and articles that confirmed your biggest fear, and ultimately led you here, to my virtual doorstep. It’s the question: Is my anxiety/doubt a evidence that my truth is that I’m with the wrong partner or does it mean something else?

The culture says: Doubt means don’t. It’s as simple as that. The culture, by which I mean mainstream films, articles, blogs, and the ephemeral message that travels through the ether of the collective unconscious, says that if you’re feeling anxious about your relationship – anxious that you don’t love your partner enough or don’t have that magic spark or aren’t attracted or… – it’s clearly and obviously because you’re with the wrong … Click here to continue reading...