Highly sensitive people prone to anxiety and OCD often fall into all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking, which makes it difficult to accept that:
• Love and hate about the same person can co-exist.
• You can be attracted and not attracted to a romantic partner.
• It’s normal to enjoy someone’s company and feel irritated by them.
• You can love your baby or toddler beyond the sun and moon and feel bored at times.
• You can long to be close and need space.
The Challenge of Ambivalence
Ambivalence is very hard for all humans, but especially for sensitive ones. We like to know things with certainty, even when we know that certainty, most times, is an impossibility. This is especially true in human relationships where boundaries are blurred and we’re handed a dysfunctional template of what healthy love in all forms looks like.
Many people don’t grow up knowing that they can have a separate voice from their parents.
We don’t grow up knowing that we can say NO, and that our no is valued.
Sensitive children are prone to absorbing their parents’ unlived lives and assuming that it’s up to them to live out what is incomplete OR not to surpass the limitations of their parents.
We’re all handed a tragically unhealthy template of romantic love, one that fails to teach us that love and hate can co-exist in the same relationship, that you won’t always like your partner, and that you won’t always feel attracted.
When we can tolerate ambiguity, we can tolerate uncertainty, and we give ourselves boatloads of permission to be human in all of our messiness and imperfections.
Accepting the Gray
As I sit here on the first day of autumn, enveloped in a gray that is uncharacteristic for Colorado, I’m thinking about how uncomfortable the gray is for highly sensitive people (although the weather at the moment is quite delicious after months of blazing hot summer!). We like the sun or the moon, day or night, but not this in-between, liminal, overcast place. And yet, what I’ve come to know in my bones is that an element of our freedom hinges on accepting the gray, which also means accepting the opposite of black-and white, also known as uncertainty.
Our son, Everest, has been writing about this in-between place lately. This stuns me as it was the place that he had the most difficulty accepting when he was younger. I’m not sure I can tell you exactly how our children have made sense of being sensitive in this world doesn’t honor sensitivity, but it’s clear that one element of their ability to embrace the gifts and find their sturdiness has hinged upon accepting the ambivalence in our world: the passage of time, the discomfort of change, and the ever-present reality of death. They’re both writers (apples don’t fall far from the trees :)), and they’re both following their passions. Both of these hold a key to finding acceptance of the unknown.
The Colors of the Dawn and the Deep
Here’s are the first few lines of one of Everest’s recent pieces called “The Colors of the Dawn and the Deep”:
Before dawn, the sky is a deep blue, much like the colors of the deep. The stars shine bright and the galaxy snakes across the sky. The stars and the quiet darkness provide a time when the great expanse of the universe can float down on us, and we are allowed the see the shape of infinity and the colors of the deep.
Likewise, during this time in pre-dawn dark, we can see our soul as the universe sees us. As the Earth spins ever closer to the light, the silent dark gives way to an even quieter deep, fading to light blue, as if the world is telling us to use this quiet blue to take a close look at ourselves so that we can fully enjoy the short and precious day that is about to begin.
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I’d love to hear from you in the comments about ways that you’ve been able to accept ambivalence, both in relationships and in life.
I am absolutely ambivalent about this job opportunity that has knocked on my door now three times. Even though the coast is clear the third time around, I am still ambivalent about accepting the job, moving down to part time (my husband and I have agreed we can do this for the health of our family), and resigning from a few small positions I currently hold. 1000% ambivalence and all I know for sure is that to not make the move will keep life small and unfulfilling—but with a big paycheque. To take the leap into unknown territory will expand my world.
You sound clear, Lisa. What’s interesting is that ambivalence and clarity can co-exist :).
Thank you Sheryl:)
This is a message I need to be reminded of over and over again, especially now as a new mother. Thank you Sheryl! 🙂
I’m glad it helped, Mirella!
I can be ambivalent about lots of things, but cannot bring up any particular one right now.
This topic reminds me of the old Bruce Hornsby song
Maybe we sing these lyrics to ourselves, or to a partner, or to a child. Or perhaps we sing it to a Higher Being or the Higher Being sings it to us…. Maybe none of that.
No matter what else happens
What the future will be
In a world so uncertain
Through the clouds it’s hard to see
I will grab you and lift you
Calm your fears if you’re afraid
We’ll go walking
Across the fields of gray
Such beautiful lyrics, Craig. Thank you for sharing 🙏🏽.
Thanks so much for sharing that:) I had never heard that song…beautiful song to sing to our inner child too ❤️
I try to feel the grey ambivalence now as mystery, I try to open to it, the unfolding unknown miracle of being alive.
Beautiful. Yes. The gray as mystery.
Hi! I was narcissistically abused during many years by a romantic (?) partner, which made me a suicidal emotional wreck. Today, am I fully healed (if such thing exists), it was a long process. I will start as a volunteer worker in a women’s phone help line to help other women who are victims of n’s. I have such a strong calling to help other women, if I can help someone else even just a tiny bit!
This thing about ambivalence. Many experts said that the love I felt for the n, it was not love or real love (I did felt strong, passionate love towards him, even after the terrible abused started!), that it was instead “obsession”, “trauma bond”, “addiction” etc. I’ve started to think, saying those things is kind of gaslighting too? And the last thing a person who has been n abused needs is more gaslighting!! Who is anyone else to say what is love or not? Of course, this type of relationship has a trauma bond element etc. too always. I mean, what should I say to people on the phone, in a similar situation and feeling? That it is ok and valid to feel love and simultaneously be scared or disgusted or have a gut feeling things are weird, this massive ambivalence? But, and this has been a quite a life lesson for me, even if there is love, romantic love, the feeling of it…a relationship has to WORK. When feelings of love (and respect, honesty etc.) is not mutual, that hardly is a well functioning relationship. Sometimes love alone just isn’t enough in a relationship? 🙁
It sounds like you’ve amassed tremendous wisdom from going through that abusive relationship. Yes, love and hate can co-exist AND love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
I am dealing with this great desire to start the next chapter in my life which is to get married and have kids. I am met with my boyfriend’s ambivalence about jumping again into these waters because of a past failed marriage. He tells me he loves me and wants the same things but that he is going to have to do them with fear because of the past. Learning to deal with this and have grace for his own ambivalence when I have none (about this particular subject). Thanks for the beautiful message.
This is an excellent example of how to accept someone else’s ambivalence with grace, which means accepting the inevitable imperfection of relationships and life. Thank you.
I think I had ambivalence regarding my attraction and lack of attraction towards my wife. It would gnaw away at my mind.
This ambivalence morphed into an obsession. (I got diagnosed with OCD many years prior). I began “checking” if I felt attracted, often noticing all the moments that I didn’t feel attracted to her.
It lead to a slow and painful demise of our marriage…
I have experienced the immense pain of ambivalence and how it gets so easily tangled with OCD…
It has been a hard and lonely road.
I’m so sorry, Nate. OCD can take over one’s life, and living with it is torture. I hope you’re getting support for it now.
I have lived with ambivalence about my feelings for my husband since the day he asked me to marry him. Do I love him? Am I in love with him? Its always plagued me & at times the thoughts have become OCD & made me mentally unwell. Thats how I found you Sheryl & since then your posts have reassured me that its ok to feel like this. Love isn’t something that can ever be measured. It means different things to different people and feelings fluctuate. I’ve learnt to just accept the uncertainty if that makes sense.
Beautiful, Lynn. It’s been heartwarming and inspiring to read about your growth over the years through your comments.
Hi,
I am having alot of difficult in my relationship with my girlfriend. When I get triggered, I feel hurt and can not see any good in the relationship. I am in that space now and am genuinely unsure if there was true love and care and it’s hard to wait to get out of this space. After I alleviate from this darkness I will probably question why am I in this relationship anyway if I get hurt and maybe she isn’t for me and I’m in it just because Im scared I won’t get anyone else or someone better or atleast she gets me and no one else will. Please let me know ur thoughts sheryl
I have felt great ambivalence about taking the next step with my partner of 7 years and moving in together. Up till now this has been postponed as we both still have our own kids at home still. I can somehow swing from complete enthusiasm for the idea (when feeling connected and loving) to extreme doubt and then back again. It is somewhat wearying. However, I can certainly see in this that those polarities can exist. I think I am gradually realising that whenever we do make that transition, doubt will of course come up and that is ok. It doesn’t mean it is the wrong choice. I am gradually learning to be less reactive and less swept off my feet by the doubts etc when they do arise and to tolerate them as the natural fluctuation of feeling that does occur in a relationship.
Yes, when we can make room for doubt and ambivalence in all forms worlds of possibility open up. Thank you for sharing your process, David.
Very recently I found out I am pregnant. Its been quite a journey already. I dont feel joyful about It all the time, and part of me still feels very ashamed for not feeling incredible happy about it. However I am working on my acceptance of the ambivalence of this new chapter of my life. I just began my path to become a mother, of course I will be afraid, its a big transition after all.
I’m so glad you’re working to accept the VERY common ambivalence that can show up in pregnancy and motherhood.
I have a very hard time with ambivalence, like it always means something. A year ago, my beautiful baby boy was born and I can’t believe how quickly I fell in love. Completely and utterly obsessed with him, So excited about everything, from making homemade purées and taking him everywhere, anxious about every little cough or bump. Then a couple months ago I feel like not as excited about things and tired. Almost like relationship anxiety all over again. It’s very discouraging to me because my Brain is like “well that must mean xyz” and it’s making me spiral into intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness. Is this common in motherhood? (I did take your birth course but only covers up to the 4th trimester)