“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” – Henry David Thoreau
This quote stopped me in my tracks when I came across it a few weeks ago. It hit me in my heart, and then my mind stepped in to ask, “Why would love need a remedy? Isn’t love the cure for everything?”
But those of us on the sensitive-anxious-creative spectrum know why loves needs a remedy. Because embedded in loving deeply, with our whole hearts, lives the possibility of loss. This applies not only to a romantic partner but also to loving a friend, a family member, an animal, the natural world, and life itself.
If you could simmer down every intrusive thought, what would be left at the bottom of the pot is the fear of loss. And it’s not just the fear of loss, but the fear that we won’t be able to handle the grief that arises in the presence of loss.
To protect against the fear of loss and the fear of grief, the mind devises all kinds of elaborate contraptions to distract us and remove us from the risk of loving. For when we’re caught on the hamster wheel of an intrusive thought or a compelling compulsion, we’re trapped in our heads and, thus, separated from the heart.
In our recent Gathering Gold episode on Resistance to Gratitude, Victoria and I talked about how one of the reasons why people resist a gratitude practice is because if you acknowledge what you have by being grateful, you acknowledge the possibility of loss, for we can only lose what we have.
This is one of the mind’s illusions and attempts at controlling bad things from happening by saying, “If you acknowledge the good things, you’ll be jinxed and something bad will happen. Don’t count your blessings!” Most cultures are replete with phrases and superstitions that attempt to ward off bad luck, as if saying or doing the right thing can change the future. A much better response, as I shared in the episode, is to dive headlong into more gratitude. Here’s how it might play out:
A young mother is watching her son playing in the yard. She’s basking in the goodness of this moment, even veering toward gratitude, when she hears, “Not safe! Don’t enjoy this moment too much otherwise something bad might happen!”
In those moments, it’s a practice to watch that fear mind and that heart-oriented towards loss and to bring ourselves back to this moment. In this moment, her child is joyfully playing in the yard. When she returns to the present, she’s filled with goodness and gratitude, and her heart swells with the beauty and preciousness of right now. And what comes out of her lips, in an act of bravery, is, “Thank you. Thank you, life force. Thank you for this moment in time.”
Likewise, the remedy for the fear of losing joy is to throw ourselves headlong into joy. It’s the only way to mitigate fear and to say, “i hear you, fear, but I’m not listening to you. I’m choosing to live my life as fully as possible, even though I know that loss is possible, even inevitable.” Otherwise we live our lives with fear in the driver’s seat, and that’s a very small life.
I’m not saying that any of this is easy. We are wired to avoid pain, which means protecting ourselves against the possibility of loss. But we really only have two choices in this life: to live from fear or to live from love. We can run when the fear of loss sneakily presents itself in the from of intrusive thoughts about your partner or your health or we can choose to stand firm and say, “Yes, this is scary, but I choose love and life and joy.” It’s not a one-time choice, of course. But the more we choose love, the easier it is to love. And, really, that is why we’re here.
Your posts are always so timely. The example you gave about the mother is something that happens to me daily, and often feel so ashamed about it “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just enjoy the moment?” There is such vulnerability in relationships, especially motherhood for me. Sometimes I find my heart wanting to build walls and I pray to God every day to help me keep my heart open, for my son and family.
Recently my mom told me she feels that I only call her when I have an intrusive thought or spiraling and I feel so bad because I realized it’s true… she said she knows I’m in a good head space when she doesn’t hear from me and it made me so sad, and I feel selfish. Is this a common fear tactic?
That’s a very beautiful prayer, Stephanie: please keep my heart open. Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you Sheryl. Funny, my fear voice piped up while reading your reply “oh no, I must not be normal or my feelings must not be normal otherwise she surely would’ve addressed that”
I’m curious how you would respond to your initial question and this follow-up fear voice from your wise self!
I guess I would answer my question by saying yes, it is a common fear tactic. I guess I just rely so heavily on reassurance that I’m not alone with any thoughts or feelings I have.
That sounds like a very wise response. And you know you’re not alone with your thoughts and feelings based on this blog and my courses 😉
Thank you Sheryl. Your loving and understanding words always arrive right in time for my anxious mind on every Sunday’s night.
I’m so glad it’s helpful, Andrea. ❤️
Another great post. I often have to tell myself that I only suffer so much because I love so deeply. And the only way out of the suffering is just to keep loving.
YES!
Btw, do you have any posts on ‘relapses’? Every so often some very old wounds get opened, and it feels like I’m right back at the beginning, with ‘payback’ for having dared to do so well for so long…
Totally normal, Joshua. This might help:
https://conscious-transitions.com/the-cycle-of-healing/
Thank you. I look forward to reading.
Such a great post. With the holidays around the corner, I feel a lot of gratitude that I get to visit my family and that everyone is in good health. But every single time, a voice whispers in my ears: this could be the last time my parents (or any of us) are in good health. I will try to think about this as a fear-based voice, as you explain. It has made so many trips back to my parents’ almost unbearable (like crying hysterically at night when I am there), while I could have enjoyed the fact that here we are, all in good health, happy to be together…
Beautifully expressed, Anne. 💕
Hi sheryl! First of all, thank you so much for your work. I’ve taken your break free from relationship anxiety course, as well as trust yourself course and they have helped me immensely. I am newly post-partum (2 months) and struggling with the transition into motherhood- intrusive thoughts/lots of anxiety- and feel i’m projecting onto others as well and is affecting my marriage.Do you have a course you recommend for this? I saw that you had a birthing a new mother course, but wasn’t sure if that would be beneficial since ive already given birth- or if you think another course may be more helpful.
I do recommend the Birthing a New Mother course even though you’re postpartum as doing the work around the transition into motherhood can happen retroactively.