The New Pledge of the Highly Sensitive is Life-Changing

by | Sep 29, 2019 | Anxiety | 23 comments

A theme has been constellating lately in my professional and personal worlds, and when I see a theme I’m compelled to write about it here as it’s my indicator that we’re tapping down into the realm of the collective unconscious: the invisible realm where we’re all connected, all struggling with different variations of the same hooks, all holding hands beneath the surface as we glide along our stories aboard spaceship Earth.

The theme is the invitation to accept ourselves exactly as we are. It’s the foundation of Rogerian therapy, the Humanistic psychology model created by Carl Rogers based on the mindset  that change occurs first by being deeply accepted by another and by cradling ourselves in the breath of accepting ourselves exactly as we are in this moment.

What I see quite often in my work is a community of highly sensitive people who love and accept others deeply and devotedly. You love your friends, your animals, your children, the planet itself. You love your partner, and when the fear-walls and inherited barnacles eclipse the heart, you commit yourself to the warrior path of learning about fear so that you can soften these walls and move closer to the verb of loving. This, too, is love. You recognize that love is not only a feeling but is also an action, a commitment and an act of will.

But there is one person to whom these principles of love and acceptance do not always extend: YOU.

Part of this is your wiring: you’re wired not only toward high sensitivity but also toward perfectionism. You see what needs “fixing” and you set about to fix it. This comes in handy in some areas of life and leads many highly sensitives toward important contributions. But when this mindset is turned on yourself in a fundamental way, it’s counteractive to your desire to grow through your challenges.

I’ve worked with this mindset for decades (it’s the basis of my Trust Yourself course), and brought particular attention to it last week in yoga when I set my intention at the beginning of class to bring mindful curiosity to every pose, imagining that I was filling the shapes with the light of my breath. I’ve also been working more deeply with my meditation practice lately as I’ve been re-reading Jeffrey Brantley’s fantastic book, Calming the Anxious Mind: How mindfulness and compassion can free you from anxiety, fear, and panic. His premise is that when we develop a daily mindfulness meditation practice we can then bring the skill of curious and compassionate witness into the moments when anxiety, self-doubt and panic hit full force. As he writes:

“This means relating to the fearful experiences in a way that allows you to be with it instead of fighting with it or reacting blindly to it. The wise response, the mindful response, is to turn toward the experience with calm and focused attention.”

When I turned toward the yoga poses with curiosity, I noticed a new spaciousness opening inside of me. Instead of approaching the tight spots with an intention of breathing into them so that I could release them – thus approaching them with an agenda to change – I breathed into my familiar tight spots (one of them is deep underneath my left shoulder blade) simply with the intention to notice. Each breath was a witness, watching the tightness, surrounding it with acceptance. And then, paradoxically, my tight spot began to open. All of the twisting and stretching I have been doing for years was less effective than the simple act of noticing with no intention of changing.

When we can apply this same mindset to our inner worlds, subtle yet life-changing openings begins to occur as we free ourselves from the tyranny of our inner bullies. As such, I’ve created a pledge for the highly sensitive, one that recognized that the mindset of self-compassion is the groundswell from which we rise into growth, for as I’ve shared many times on this site, we all need to be loved, even and especially the split-off parts of ourselves that grew out of a need to protect the tender heart.

As a highly sensitive and empathic person, I set the following intentions:

To bring compassion to myself for being human, especially one for whom the intensity of feelings and proximity to fear’s ways is fully alive.

To bring compassion to my passionate heart, which breaks open for the pain of the world and for my own river of grief which runs steadily beneath all things.

To bring compassion to the parts of me that have worked so hard to keep me safe: the critic, the fixer, the perfectionist. The parts that adopted the story early on that the lack of unconditional acceptance I experienced was because there was something wrong with me, and if I could just fix that brokenness I would be loved and find belonging.

To bring unconditional acceptance to these inner protectors until they begin to soften and the pain that lives inside of them is revealed, remembering that when a defense is named the hard armor softens and we glimpse at the soft feelings at the core.

To bring acceptance to myself when I have trouble accepting these parts. The widening ripples of compassion extend and extend, including even our difficulty in bringing compassion until we arrive at the yes within the no.

To remember that underneath it all, I am whole, I am worthy, I am loved, and I am light.

If you’re not familiar with India Arie’s song “I am Light” I encourage you to listen to it as it expresses the essence of this post in musical form.

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23 Comments

  1. Thank you Sheryl. What if the acceptance of self feels like you are truly not a match to your partner? I have been working with my relationship anxiety (anxious across the board but the heat has been with my partner since the day we comitted to relationship), and after years of my husband being disrespectful and angry and controlling and jealous (on and off) he finally in the last 6 months has REALLY been opening, softening, allowing freedom and being truly loving. Everything I want. Yet I still battle this emptiness, which I have accounted to be about ME needing to come home to me. This morning i sat to meditate and got this very strong, not fear feeling but solid, clear knowing that I need to end the relationship. Not because I don’t love him but it is just right action..I am freaking out. I dont want to lose him. Although I feel my path might be easier due to our personality conflicts (our values are similar, goals the same, but we are opposite personalities completely) so if I were single or with someone that didnt pose these challenges it seems easier. But I dont want to lose him. It feels right but it hurts. I’m just wondering if you could somehow speak to this. I’m so scared this is my Truth.

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    • Hi K,

      I have also been battling relationship anxiety for a long time. To me, this just sounds like more manifestations of relationship anxiety. Perhaps his new openness is actually triggering MORE fear, because now there’s the actual possibility of intimacy and vulnerability. I have also had times where I have meditated, processed, come out the other side of a cry, etc and felt like maybe I need to leave my partner. But when I reflect on those times, I am not calm, clear, and full of peace. I am feeling unstable. And though it feels so convincing it’s unbelievable, I have to hold in my mind that in my clear moments, I don’t want to leave the relationship, and hold out faith that those moments will return when I fill my well, as Sheryl says. If you were feeling peaceful, full inside, clear, and in a Loving Adult energy, and then chose to leave your relationship out of mature clarity, that would be different, and probably wouldn’t feel very dramatic, albeit heartbreaking. This doesn’t sound like that to me. That’s my two cents. Take what you like and leave the rest. <3

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      • K, I also want to add though that from your comment about your husband’s past controlling behavior, maybe there are some things to work out there with him. I’d imagine years of your husband acting that way has been damaging and painful, and maybe some of your anxiety is pointing to that pain. But this is speculation and I am not a therapist! Just my thoughts.

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        • Quiet courage,
          Thank you for both of your loving responses. I spent a lot of time alone with myself yesterday after posting in my frantic panic, and am feeling more confident that our dance is not done. I fear/believe there is this “fate” controlled by a god outside of me that I’m ignoring…and it hooks me constantly. But really I think it is more that this relationship/my husband does not match the pictures of what I thought love should be and i keep feeling like I’m on the wrong track because of that. And yes, I have caught myself in slight freeze/fear mode when he is being more loving and open and seeing MY fear of vulnerability that I dont get to pin on him anymore, lol.
          Also, that’s a very good point about the past hurts. I struggle to feel my emotions fully, so I’m sure there is still a lot of resentment in there thats triggering me. I’m going to sit and work with those pieces. Thank you again and blessings to you ❤

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          • This sounds beautiful and very loving to yourself. Sending you a hug ?

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            • ❤?❤

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  2. Your posts always hit home, Sheryl. I feel very validated when I read them. Thanks.

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  3. This is absolutely being printed! Thank you!

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  4. i deeply resonate w/the highly sensitve person nurturing others, sometimes to the detriment of self, as the threads of perfectionism seem to weave themselves through all actions. however, i of course, resonated w/your intention in yoga (perhaps my class?) to bare witness, rather than fix or change sensation in asana. i am so glad you found some expansiveness/relief. the practice is often a mirror, reflecting back the areas which need more work and consciousness. i found time to be a student today and was gently reminded how essential it is to be on our mats, working in union with it all. i love your writings and hope you have a blessed week. xoxo

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    • It was your class, indeed, dear Sasha :). So grateful for you in my life. xoxoxoxo

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  5. I absolutely love this post, Sheryl.
    Especially love the intentions at the end and the song ‘I am light’. I saw India Arie in concert when I was pregnant with my son, and I swear, we had a moment where she saw me in the audience. Open-hearted and receiving her message as well as sending her love.

    It’s an important message to remember. That our sensitivity is a gift that comes with this ‘deep stream of grief’ flowing underneath each moment. And to keep compassion when our ‘safety’ mechanisms flare up. I love this reminder. Thank you! And thank you for your deep and consistent work. I’m deeply grateful for you xxx

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    • Beautiful, Rebecca. And what a gift to see her in concert!

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  6. You’ve done it again, Sheryl. As always, beautifully, beautifully articulated.

    I will be printing out the pledge and posting it on my mirror.

    Thank you.

    With much love,

    Rosie

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    • I’m glad it resonated for you, Rosie ;).

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  7. I too am going to print this off and I’m going to stick it on the inside of my wardrobe. So beautiful, so validating and very much brought tears to my eyes. I never noticed that ‘passion’ was a side of the same coin as ‘compassion’… The two have been so separate in my mind that I’ve never clocked onto them, not even that they are part of the same word!
    I’m also once again amazed that my most recent struggles have also been reflected in the collective unconscious, thank you for bringing this to light for me (and I’m sure many, many others).

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    • Wonderful idea to stick in your wardrobe. The more we can imprint these reminders into our minds, the more we can integrate them. Yes, (com)passion share a root!

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  8. I so needed this today Sheryl. Thank you so much. I was chatting with my husband this weekend about how I don’t know what I would do / where I would be if I never found your work. I’m forever grateful for your loving words. They resonate with me so deeply. I’ve done the work, but it doesn’t mean the work is over. It will never be over and there’s something so amazing about that – I’m forever going to grow because of you. Lately I’ve been struggling with just this – acceptance of who I am through and through and enoughness. I’m in my last month of pregnancy and I have criticized my growing body throughout this experience. I’m so proud of my body, but my inter critic always tells me that I should be doing more/ should look different/ should eat better/ should exercise more. You’re right – always looking for something to be fixed. Mindfulness has been helping me through this, but I must say this article was a reminder to be gentler with myself and love myself the way I love and care for others so deeply.

    Thanks for everything you do Sheryl xo

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    • And to even bring the practice and mindset of mindfulness to the voice that is telling you that you’re doing it wrong/not enough etc. I’m so glad you’re here, and on this journey :). Sending blessings on your home stretch to birth. xoxo

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  9. Thank you for this, such a beautiful reminder. I can feel the tension and inner fight in myself against being anxious, stressed or wishing I was/wasn’t a certain way. I also commend you for sharing your continued growth experiences with all of us and showing us that even after all your years of inner work, you’re still healing and reminding yourself of these daily things and messages.

    Sometimes, with a ‘fix it’ mindset, it’s hard to steer away from the finish line fantasy but as you continue to remind yourself and share it with us, too, it brings a sense of relief to know we’re not alone and all in it together. Thank you, Sherly!

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    • This is a beautiful reflection, Jessica. Thank you.

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  10. What if I end up hurting him too much because of my anxiety? What if my anxiety of “not being in love enough” turns to spite? I don’t want to hurt him and only want to be tender.

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