The Two Most Important Qualities You Need in a Partner

by | Jan 20, 2019 | Break Free From Relationship Anxiety | 84 comments

As evidenced by our high divorce rate and, even more disheartening, how few long-term marriages are thriving and fulfilling, it’s clear that our culture has it all wrong when it comes to love. Not only do we project our gold and gods onto our partners instead of taking responsibility for our own genius and aliveness, but we unknowingly project our negative attributes onto our partners as well. If we received even the most basic roadmap about love – including understanding key concepts like projection and the pursuer-distancer syndrome – we would no doubt have a much higher satisfaction rate when it comes to long-term relationships. Instead, the mainstream message, as dispersed through the media, is that physical attraction, chemistry, and spark are at the top of the non-negotiable list of partner needs.

Obviously, I sing a different song, and it’s one that has served the thousands of people who have gone through my Break Free From Relationship Anxiety Course and other courses quite well. The chorus of my song is that how we understand attraction is misguided and limited, and that irritation, doubt, annoyance, numbness, and even repulsion are not only expected when you’re prone to anxiety but also essential passageways through which you’re brought to the doorstep of yourself. Love and fear are cousins in the heart-pocket of love, and if you’re going to open to love you have to be willing to walk through fear.

Clients and course members often ask me, “So if my relationship isn’t based on sexual or physical attraction, what is it based on? If it’s not based on the fluttery butterflies that I’ve always associated with being in love and have used as yardsticks by which I’ve measured if my relationship is “right”, what are my new yardsticks?”

There are many, but it simmers down to these two main qualities in a long-term partner.

The first essential quality is:

1. Character: By which I mean honesty, loyalty, commitment, and a good heart. You’re looking for someone with integrity. You’re looking for a stand-up human being. You’re looking for the person who is going to follow through on their word, who is going to pick up the phone when you call, who understands the difference between truth and lies (even small ones).

Kate Kerrigan, my favorite fiction author on love, says it bluntly and well in her essay(and obviously this doesn’t only apply to women):

Optimism and chemistry, which seem to be the bedrock of the modern marriage, just don’t cut it, folks. And while I am pontificating, one more tip for the ladies: Try to find a man who has that most underrated of qualities: character.

Now, now… pipe down fear-based voices. I hear you: What if my partner lies sometimes? What if my partner was unfaithful in the past? What if I was unfaithful? We’re not looking for perfection; nobody is perfect and we’ll all learning along the path of life. What we’re looking for is someone who is basically honest and is willing to own their mistakes when they make one. We all mess up. We have all told lies. What matters is that we can look at them, own them, and learn from them.

Which brings us to our second essential quality:

2. A Willingness to Learn: This means that your partner has a basic openness to grow together. Is this someone with whom I can learn about love? is the cut-through question for relationship anxiety, which wants to perseverate on everything that’s perceived as missing in your partner. The glass half-empty mindset, which is almost always intrinsic to the anxious-sensitive personality type, will tear your partner to shreds under your high-resolution, fear-based microscope that is looking for reasons to run and, thus, not take the risk of loving. It will insist that you answer a barrage of endlessly changing yet seemingly imperative questions about your partner’s worthiness before you decide to give your whole heart.

This is fear at work, and the most effective way to cut through fear is to call it onto the mat. When you’re in the throes of relationship anxiety, you’ll need to keep calling fear out, over and over again, as well as digging dip into your own places of hurt and wound the are trying desperately to convince you to run. But when you know that you’re with someone who is good, loving, and willing to take this journey with you, you’ll have an easier time reeling back in the projection that says that the problem is your choice in partner and instead begin to focus on the inner work that needs attention. 

Does your partner have these qualities? What was positively alighted or negatively triggered as you read this post. Share in the comments below.

This week’s intro to my weekly email came from my Instagram feed. If you’re not on Instagram, good for you! If you are, I’d love to connect with you there at: sherylpaul_wisdomofanxiety.

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84 Comments

  1. “It will insist that you answer a barrage of endlessly changing yet seemingly imperative questions about your partner’s worthiness before you decide to give your whole heart.”

    Sheryl, thank you for this. This quote resonates with me deeply as I find myself going though a “checklist” in my head to see if my partner has a, b, and c qualities and not x, y and z qualities and “needing” to “make sure” he does before I can completely step out of fear and into love.

    Reply
    • I’m so glad it resonated. Are you remembering to ask the cut-through question for intrusive thoughts and checking: “What are these thoughts protecting me from feeling?”

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      • I sure am trying. What is coming up for me is exactly as you describe in your Break Free E-course. Fear that I am making a mistake (which points to a lack in trust in myself) fear of loss of myself and/or my partner. I look forward to your next Trust Yourself 30-day course. Even though I’m scared to discover that I’m this ~totally different person than who I have known myself to be~, I think it will aid me in my next healing step.

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        • I’ll look forward to seeing you there.

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      • Hi Sheryl, have you ever been asked about the thoughts of your family when it comes to your partner’s worthiness? I think I’ve read somewhere about “caring too much about what others think” and how that manifests through fear as criticism and projection on to your partner. I seem to find I view my partner differently to how I am influenced to view him when we’ve been in the company of my family. They can be quite quietly judgemental of him in a really patronising way. With a smile and a bit of a tilt of the head, behind his back calling him “black and white” or cool, or withdrawn. My father in particular seems to be constantly assessing and analysing him and I suspect he would have a long list of “facts” about who my partner is and where his strengths and weaknesses lie. I believe he talks about these “facts” to my mother and younger brother and his girlfriend when we aren’t around. Almost using it as a way of bonding closer with them, possibly unwittingly, alienating my husband and we both feel it. I can tell my mother in particular struggles with my fathers constant narrative and I suspect she even argues against it at times but often, when I’m most anxious, I find myself wondering if my father is right. If my husband lacks things I should be looking for in a partner and if those things he believes to be such fact may be, in actuality, unchangeable ‘truths’… I often feel unsettled and more anxious in my relationship after time spent amongst my family of origin.

        Much love,
        Jj

        Reply
  2. Thank you Sheryl, for all your wisdom. I am a silent reader and have been reading your posts every Sunday for 3 years. You have helped me so much.
    My trigger is that my husband is currently an addict. He has come back from drug addiction in his past and now has a 2-3 times a week alcohol problem. But with that comes the mind set and behavior patterns of addiction…

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  3. Not being integrous. Blaming and projecting like crazy and thus sometimes verbally/emotionally abusive. When we first met he was a sponsor and counselor for addiction and the most honest person I met.He wants to grow and believes in the inland journey. But its been 3 years and still it continues on. I feel trapped in knowing who he truly is on the inside but is not at all behaving like right now…

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  4. We were only together for about 8 months before he started drinking, spiraling into a bigger issue than i could ever imagine. I want to trust him but he is not behaving in a way that is nourishing for himself, me, or us. And fear brain (or intuition?) Says that maybe even the first 8 months was rose colored glasses. Then I argue, no this isnt who he is, I know it. But currently I cant stand the current reality

    Reply
    • This sounds like a very painful situation. Yes, you know who he is in his essence, yet being in relationship with an active addict is a red flag and needs your unwavering attention. Are you in a 12-step program like Al-anon?

      Reply
      • Inward journey**correction 🙂
        Yes it is painful, the hardest situation I’ve ever been in. I keep thinking its all just going to be over soon and try to love him through it. But most attraction is gone, no simple oatmeal love that I crave.. its complicated and crazy and awful with sunshine windows here and there. But always in my heart of hearts a deep love of exactly that, his essence and recognition of his good intentions.
        He now for the last year is more often in admittance of the problem than denial. And truly wants to stop, but hasn’t. I believe the promises of dates and then that day never comes and we both continue to suffer. My continual belief of this magical day being just around the corner has been my reason to not join Al-Anon, but maybe it would be helpful.
        I appreciate you listening and offering that suggestion. It feels very healing to Express my situation and be heard. Thank you ❤

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        • Yes, reaching out for support is essential and I encourage you to do so as soon as possible.

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        • K, I am so deeply distraught reading this and though we are two strangers my thoughts and prayers are with you. It hit home for me because one of my dearest friends is in a similar situation but her spouse is in denial of his drinking problem. To cope with this, she is in love with the false sense of reality as well. For her it’s “he’ll be better once we have children and are married and he’ll finish school..”. Though your boyfriend has shown you his essence you must do what is best for you. If you are staying because you feel you will be responsible for his demise (hopefully it never comes to this) then please be kind to yourself and know that everyone is responsible for themselves. This is nothing you did. I am thinking of you and wish you nothing but the best. I kept rereading your post and my heart goes out to you but please you must seek help for him and for yourself to heal from this as well. Xo

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  5. Dear Sheryl
    I have found a man with these qualities. In the beginning i was very “in love” after 2 months… not anymore.. the Anxiety and intrusive “i dont like him anymore” came for styaying… The intrusive thoughts are more than doubts , are kind of states: i dont feel motivation to meet him.. i do it anyway and then we have nice moments.. but after i am every day thinking about the fact that i dont feel it anymore, the joy to have him in my life.. the pure desire to be with him. I am obsessed about this.. It has been alreay 4 months like this… i just want a change to come, and not to run away as have always done. I am almost 40 and my longest relationship was 2 years, where i was with a partner who was not emotionally available ..I have read your articles and i now intellectually where my fears and anxiety come from.. but it is not enough for stop feeling like this. It would be great if you can answer to me shortly.
    Thaks a lot!

    Reply
    • Intellectual understanding is important but real change happens through action: mindfulness, breathing, and especially effective journaling. If you want to break free from your relationship anxiety and stop the lifelong patterns, you have to learn how to work with your thoughts and attend to the feelings that are embedded in the thoughts.

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  6. Hi Sheryl, Thank you for this beautiful post that resonate as always with my current state. My beautiful GF soon to be wife is having all these traits that you talked about in this article.She is sweet and supporting me 100%. Although after overcoming many episodes and having weeks of freedom , I’m back to it again and my brain seems to take it to a whole another level , mixing up complete disconnetion ,lack of attraction and irritability and what makes it even worse is that feeling of not caring at all although I want to care. Seems like I’m down the rabbit hole again.
    PS: I’m having tough times at work lately, lot of anxiety.

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  7. Alot of people I know say that when they met their partner/husband they ‘just knew’ he was the one and they’ve never looked back. Sometimes this spikes me as I never felt like that at first, I feel like it’s taken us years to properly get to know one another! Xxx

    Reply
    • Yes, it’s a common spike for those prone to relationship anxiety, and I talk about it a lot on the blog. Keep reading!

      Reply
  8. This is beautiful Sheryl. Thank you. My partner’s character is so honest and pure (and imperfectly human) and I am so grateful for the gift that he is and the beautiful, sensitive, and loving person he is. On days when I can see through clear eyes I wonder how I got so lucky and I breathe the breath of gratitude. It sometimes catches in my throat because of the love I feel. And he is absolutely willing and eager to learn and grow with me. We are working through an EFT couples workbook together and I feel so blessed to be with someone who wants to do these kinds of things with me.

    The thing about this article that is difficult for me is actually seeing whether I am a partner who possesses these two qualities. I would say I am definitely willing to learn. Not always but the general thread is yes, I am. But I judge myself when it comes to the first quality of character. I am mostly honest but I could probably look more closely at this because sometimes I hide things like how I am feeling or what I’m looking at online (nothing that’s inappropriate) because I’m afraid of being judged. I also have a long way to go in terms of taking full responsibility for my life and my feelings. Sometimes I succumb to victim feelings and give my wounded self too much agency, and it comes out to him. I feel very sad about this because I really want to show up for him as a loving, equal, present partner. Also my relationship anxiety makes it challenging to be unquestionably committed like he is. I have been doing the tango with RA for enough years now that I rarely take it seriously enough to express it to him, but the general energy of not being fully committed can be there and I regret that (but then other days I am certain I want to marry him haha). I guess I’m just sharing this to reflect upon this article and to maybe invite comments from others about reading articles like this and instead of looking at my partner through them, looking at myself instead. It can be hard to see MYSELF through clear eyes too! And that’s something for me to remember. Thanks for reading.

    Reply
    • The fact that you wrote this comment indicates your high level of self-responsibility and self-reflection, far beyond the norm. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you’re working through your fears!

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      • Thank you so much Sheryl. Self compassion and kindness is a continuing practice for me.

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  9. I’m in a secure, loving, deep relationship with a wonderful woman who I trust and respect (have not cheated). We are also long distance to boot (for now). Problem is, I’m constantly in a projection on her look (which I’m still trying to discover in the breaking free course). Very shallow. One day she looks great, the next day – not so much. Fixated on her facial appearance/hairstyle. If her hair is up in a tail, her face is not as attractive to me. Constantly comparing her to other females as well. Also: having a hard time shedding the feeling of being with a new sexual partner (which is a powerful feeling to disregard!). This relationship wasn’t built on sexual chemistry. It fees like she is my best friend! Having sex with her doesn’t feel right? Or I guess, what I’m accustomed too. Hard to live with this void.

    Reply
  10. This is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you Sheryl, the engagement course and your blog posts are helping me so much!
    Would love to have some more advice on when you’re stuck in a thought pattern, or OCD rumination (as my psychologist calls it)?

    Reply
  11. Thank you Sheryl, timely. My husband has these two qualities..BUT marriage is harder than I ever thought it would be and it is difficult to not go to the place of “it is hard because of our differences (different personalities, different interests etc.)” especially when it seems so effortless for others. It feels like we are at odds more often than not. And we are newlyweds. Id love for you to do a newlywed course…

    Reply
    • It might seem like it’s effortless for others but I GUARANTEE you: marriage is a challenge for everyone! What I recommend, if possible, is a round of EFT couples therapy. It’s life-changing work and if all couples did it we would have a much higher marriage success rate:

      http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist

      If therapy isn’t in your cards right now, read Sue Johnson’s book “Hold Me Tight” and go through the EFT workbook, as quietcourage shared above.

      Reply
  12. Hi Sheryl,
    Thank you for your post this week. Although my partner and I broke up 6 months ago, I’ve been reflecting a lot on my role in the breakdown of our relationship. I feel like I had a hard time trusting and noticed that when things were going well I would sometimes do small things to sabotage ( a bit embarrassing to admit). I found I would also get critical about many things that didn’t matter. It’s like I couldn’t just let him love me. I don’t know if we will ever reconcile but if we do, I wonder how we can train ourselves to allow someone to love us and let that in?

    Reply
    • Take the course, Jasmine! If you don’t want to keep repeating these patterns, you have to learn then implement the tools that I teach there. And if you’ve already taken the course, review the material and make sure that you’re using the tools daily. Insight is helpful, but real change occurs through action.

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  13. Hi Sheryl-
    I am a big fan of your post this week. It is great to be able to put a “dose of truth” onto my negative thinking brain each Sunday and after reading this tonight, it did that on a number of levels. My fiancé and I have been together for about 16 months now and we live together in a house that we both purchased. Our Save The Date’s just got sent out and I am committed to her with all of my heart. She is caring and kind and supports me through my relationship anxiety. Many other lesser women would have ran by now. I go through spells of good weeks and bad weeks but my mindfulness has allowed me to be much more cognizant of triggers and how my brain can spiral down a negative path pretty easily if I let it. I am a member of the “Break Free” group and use your tools daily. I want to make sure I do not become stagnant in my learning. Are there any authors you can suggest that I research who can help me learn about what true commitment to an open heart really is? I want to be vulnerable and open to this woman who has such confidence in me and our relationship. Thanks!

    Reply
    • I love your comment, James, as I can hear you deep commitment to attending to and healing your fears from the root, and I’m very happy to hear that you’re implementing the tools that you’ve learning in the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course daily as this is the key. As far as further reading, you can find my recommended reading list for relationships on this page:

      https://conscious-transitions.com/books-that-have-changed-my-life/

      Reply
  14. This post is very timely given my recent preoccupations. Not long ago, I started wondering if I might have feelings for my best friend. He’s kind, loyal, devoted, supportive, and loving — all qualities that I have always wanted in a partner. But, at the same time, I’m not at all attracted to him physically. He’s not unattractive, but I am even slightly repulsed by him. I’m simultaneously realizing that I hold the belief that I’m “the girl for whom nothing ever works out” — if I want it to work with him, I’ll have to let go of that belief. At the same time, I can let go of that belief without it having to mean that I should be with him… I care very much about him, and I could imagine a happy life with him, but I’m also concerned about my unattraction to him… I don’t know what to do, but I’m happy to share this here.

    Reply
    • I’m happy you shared this here, too. Please read through all of my posts on attraction until you learn that attraction can be grown and that repulsion is an often an offshoot of fear. You’re in the right place ;).

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      • Sheryl’s right – attraction CAN be grown!
        My husband has the qualities mentioned in today’s post in spades(!!!) + more… and that’s what kept me walking the relationship out, even though I didn’t (not even at the beginning and for 3yrs after) feel the “spark” or that sense of “desire”. But something deep down knew that he was an oatmeal kind of love.
        The lack of excitement and repulsion is very possibly a defense mechanism. As I did the work and slowly unbricked my walls, surprise surprise… the spark showed up 😉 My husband has become THE MOST handsome man to me, in all his middle-aged, dad-bod glory 🙂 Nobody else is doing a double take, but man, his smile melts me faster than an ice cube in hell!!
        All to say, attraction is a natural outflow of love finding a home. Sheryl has tons of great posts to read through and bookmark and read through again. https://conscious-transitions.com/when-youre-not-attracted-to-your-partner/ is a good place to start. All the best. It’s worth it! 🙂 xo

        Reply
  15. Thank you for this message. It came at a critical time for me with my engagement anxiety. Between what we see in Hollywood movies and the “greener pastures” on Facebook, I’ve struggled to really feel confident in my relationship. However, with these two qualities, I can say for certain I’m with the right man. I’m always telling people he’s the better half. I’ve never been loved this deeply and honestly. He cares for me so much that he’s willing to learn/change for our relationship to flourish. I’ve met so many men that never put in effort and thought they could get by with good looks and a funny joke from time to time. In the end, it just wasn’t enough. A love that runs deep stands the test of time.

    Reply
    • It sounds like you have a gem by your side, Caitlin. Such a blessing.

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  16. Oh Sheryl, as the many would say, “how timely!” Your gift for compassion is special to say the least and so is your ability to know which posts to lead us with next in our lives. I wanted to share my experience from something that has happened in my life recently. A couple weeks ago I found out that F had been dishonest about his finances for the past year. Our relationship has been wonderful and full of many memories and shared experiences of growth and togetherness. When I found out he had been lying for a year I was beside myself. I said things, coldly that I knew would sting like hot embers to his soul, I gave looks of disgust, I turned to old defensive patterns to shut him out, and this was all in a two out time span. We yelled and sat in silence. It was crazy to watch outside of my being and while I spewed vile words, I asked myself after each sentence, why are you punishing this person? He sat on the bed and something in me said, “look this is the person you are choosing, this person isn’t perfect but they have goodness. This is not the same as false statements but goodness that this person will try and fail and try and fail and still remain loyal to you. This is his time now, to grow or it will be time for both to part. Now hug him.” And I did just that, I hugged him and he sobbed and sobbed. And I remembered your post, Sheryl, of the girl who fell apart to her husband and he was there. “If I fall will you be there for me..”. He would do the same for me and I for him. I told him we could still live together but we’ve agreed and completed our first session in couples therapy. He was nervous prior but to my surprise he laid it all out. He has those big feelings to work with: shame, disappointment, and guilt from his past. I let him know that the goal is not to eliminate them but to be open when they are present. This situation has told me that my task is to learn how to forgive myself and others as well as practice patience. This journey will not be easy but he has agreed and I have agreed to stay transparent. We both agreed we’ve always wanted this and will continue to work on communicating. We have devoted time to talk about our feelings and stressors daily and we’re about to start a Gottman book. Again, goodness is warmth. Willingness is admirable. He and I are both willing and I think that the reason we help one another is because both of us know we want to be seen and heard and instead of fighting for that both of us continue to look at the other person and say “I know you didn’t experience this, and I will give this gift to you. I want you to know you are safe. Tell me what is on your mind.” It helps us so much. I believe we will be okay and work through this. I’m learning we all have to struggle and if this is his time to learn from the past, then I’m happy to know I am a good fit for him to help him through it.

    Much love always, to you Sheryl and your readers,

    Cait P 🙂

    Reply
    • Wow, Cait: this is so beautiful and raw and vulnerable and true. It’s only when we enter this layer of conflict, which often includes betrayal, that a relationship is truly tested. You have both passed the test: you with your willingness to walk through the anger and into compassion (wow! what a moment of grace), and him with his willingness to let you into his inner realms, his shame, and his pain. This is how trust grows – paradoxically once it has been broken. This is how we learn to love and forgive and love again. Thank you for sharing this here, and many blessings to both of you on your path of healing and your evolution of consciousness.

      Reply
      • He is kind hearted and after him explaining to me that he wanted to contribute and had to go through his “emergency fund” he just wanted to help out and pay of his own debt. I felt so bad because I know how much these feelings have hurt him in the past but now is his time towards betterment in the transparent sense with finances. I wanted to share that, the other day he helped me ice cupcakes and he kept reminding me that it was okay if it didn’t turn out exactly like the picture, we learned something new for next time and even though it was our first time icing with a different pattern, we will get it. (A meraphor of the current events) It helps me knock down from my perfectionist mind set so when we were driving to the event which I made he cupcakes for, I told him, “I love you”. I meant it with my all. We are trying to keep turning towards one another, putting phones down to listen. It’s a process but since I have never been so comfortable and like you said, raw, with another, we both want this. A lot of my friends are in relationships and when we talk about our significant others, I always say that he is someone that I want my son to be like and my daughter to know that men are kind and just as fragile too. We’re all in this lifetime together and I don’t wish to ever be without him. He’s always with me, in my heart, and I’m so thankful he is on this path with me. Your support is everything to us Sheryl, you’ve helped me in ways I can only show you in my actions in my life as my thanks to you.

        Reply
  17. Absolutely loving this post – how faulty our mainstream culture is, worryingly so.
    Thank you, Sheryl. Once again thank you.

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    • I’m glad it hit the spot ;).

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  18. “Is this someone with whom I can learn about love?”

    This is something that came to me two other ways this week. Once, in a book I’ve been reading (“If My Husband Would Change I’d be Happy, and other myths…”). “It is better to spend a lifetime creating the perfect love than looking for the perfect love.” And once, from my sweet husband who, in a moment of my anxiety said “This is the first time I’ve done this (been a father and husband), but we’re learning, together.” Thank you for continuing to help highly sensitive people, like me and my sister! When those voices of fear bombard me, your writing has a way of helping me put the pieces together. I am a Christian as well, and much of what you has to say also reflects Biblical teachings on love.

    Reply
    • Beautiful quotes and shares, Heather. Thank you!

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  19. Sheryl, as always, Kudos.

    Your writing is so eloquent and useful. Thank you for taking the time to compose such a beautiful article. For those unsure whether to invest the money in such a Course, as a previous attendee, IMHO, it will be money well spent. You may not instantly catch on and embrace what Sheryl teaches, because fear which changes our brain patterns (and you can learn from Sheryl about that too), but it will make you aware when criticism, or doubt, surfaces.

    Sheryl, I may be taking another course on a different topic soon, but thank you again for teaching us. I am in a new relationship with who-seems-to-be a very unique and special man’s-msn with a solid core, who seems to adore my every breath & flaw — which I’ve learned is the only type of man to date and marry! The awareness of projection and dissecting what-may-be a valid and real fear worth questioning and journaling versus one that is irrational is making the difference. Thank you again and again!

    Sending continued and enlightenment goodness to you.

    Reply
    • I’m so glad the Break Free course has been helpful, Evie, and I look forward to seeing you on another course! x

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  20. Hi Sheryl, I have taken several of your courses and thy have worked wonders. Recently, my irritability has become difficult on my partner, due to reactivations of my triggers from time to time, which I do project onto my partner. My partner has always been so patient, loving and reassuring. But my partner is on the fence on a 50/50 decision to separate. What I learned is I put all of my energy into working on my relationship anxiety and focusing on my relationship. However, I have not focused on my self own identity during this transition and I desperately want to be a whole person, and not be immeshed in my relationship where separation feels like the end of the world bc I put so much work into my relationship anxiety. Do you have insight on this I can take in and ponder on? Thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Hi Darlene: I’m so glad my courses have been helpful. Have you taken the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course? While the focus for that course is certainly on relationship anxiety, it’s not actually on the relationship itself, meaning that what people realize when they take the course is that relationship anxiety is the portal through which they develop a deeper relationship of healing with themselves. As such, this would be the course to guide you back to YOU. Alternatively, I recommend that you review the material in the Trust Yourself course and make sure that you’ve developed a daily practice for turning inward and self-reflection.

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      • That is actually the first course I took. It helped so much. I feel it helped too much. Perhaps I didn’t understand the deeper rooted issues I had beforehand and was already immeshed and codependent, desperately seeking love. My irritability comes from a deeper rooted place, from my childhood ptsd, which I’m working on in therapy. I will review the trust yourself course. I want all the knowledge possible to heal. Thank you for what you do for those of us who are/were hopeless in this culture.

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        • I’m glad you’re in therapy, and yes, review the Trust Yourself course. The more rooted you are in your own self the healthier the relationship will be.

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  21. Sheryl,
    This is my first comment after taking your course a couple of years ago and reading your weekly posts. I was raised in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family and found my way to 12 step programs, the latest in 2013 Adult Children of Alcoholics. Your writing aligns so well with my life. Todays reading brought to me that I now (mostly) do look to myself when feeling anxious, in fear, and frustrated. I felt grief when reading this and actually, i think that i am welcoming it. Thank you for sharing your life with intimacy and honesty.

    Reply
    • It’s so good to hear from you, Pete. I remember when you took the course, and I’m very happy to hear that you’re continuing to live the principles and have found that they align with your other sources of support and guidance. Thank you for your kind words.

      Reply
  22. Hi everyone, I have been following Sheryl’s blog and taken two of her classes over the last 8 years, and it’s why I am still with my partner. I am the poster child for love addiction and relationship jumping for unavailable partners. I am now 41 and over the last 8 years have been working through these very old patterns painfully, one lesson at a time. My partner was an angry person when we met and he reacted instead of being curious. I was at least mindful enough to see it and challenge him on it, in time he began to change and unravel some of his fears, and I began to change, realizing I needed to start being responsible for myself and if I am to have a real relationship, to allow the vulnerability to be present, as uncomfortable as it is at times. I have fought having more feelings for him, me being the I can do it all, I got this, super independent woman I am, but I have once again been thrown into a place now where I have to depend on him for finances until I get employment. This is no easy task for me, I loath it to be honest. But it’s done something to us both, it’s made me have to be ok with him taking care of me for a little while, and he has become this happy go lucky, guy who actually has started making decisions and not just leaving it all up to me. The issue now is, I am feeling more for him, and I hate it! I feel so vulnerable, and he has shifted, I find him more attractive, he even seems taller to me! So now here I am experiencing way more feelings for this guy who is almost like a different person energetically and it’s really kind of scary. I naturally want to reject it and run, but I’m not, because when I lie next to him, I am starting to finally feel that sense of home and comfort. And when I look at him I notice his smile and the way he laughs. And I see my best friend sitting there who just loves me and has this whole time exactly as I am. Being human is hard, and working through all this old stuff is so tiring, but I think I am worth it, and so is he. <3 Hugs to you all.

    Reply
    • This brought tears to my eyes, talespinner. I’ve witnessed how hard you’ve worked over the years and your comment is a testament not only to your commitment to yourself and your relationship but also to the fact that this work takes time. There are no quick fixes or easy answers, but when you stay with it you reap the gifts, which are exactly this:

      “I am starting to finally feel that sense of home and comfort. And when I look at him I notice his smile and the way he laughs. And I see my best friend sitting there who just loves me and has this whole time exactly as I am. Being human is hard, and working through all this old stuff is so tiring, but I think I am worth it, and so is he.”

      And this testament to how fear distorts perception, and what happens when we see through clear eyes instead of fear-eyes:

      “I feel so vulnerable, and he has shifted, I find him more attractive, he even seems taller to me!”

      Amazing and YES!

      Reply
      • Hi Sheryl,

        Thank you for the response. It’s beautiful when I look at the process of unraveling I have been on and I see I still have so much more to go. Even today as “the runs” (as he calls them so humorously) are taking back hold again today. But it’s just today, and tomorrow will be different and that is the realization that keeps me in this with him. I am afraid of consuming him, and afraid of loosing myself, but I know if that happens he will once again take my hand, and I will recenter myself and start over if need be. <3 hugs

        Reply
        • That’s exactly it: we watch the cycles of fear without getting too attached to them, and realize, over time, that we can have long fear-free stretches and then it grabs hold again. “The runs”! Hah!

          Reply
  23. Sheryl you’ve recommended I do your RA anxiety course which I’m thinking of but I need to know if RA has caused mental illness. I’m severly depressed now & every time I think of leaving my wonderful husband shake uncontrollably. Am I a lost cause? Has it gone too far?

    Reply
    • Relationship anxiety doesn’t cause mental illness. The response you’re having is a trauma response and likely speaks to old trauma that is being re-triggered. As such, I highly recommend that you seek support from a skilled professional in your area.

      Reply
  24. ps I cant cope without him emotionally or financially but am scared I’m staying for the wrong reasons. I’m desperate now for help Sheryl. My anxiety & depression are out of control.

    Reply
    • Have you sought professional counseling in your area, Lynne?

      Reply
      • I have seen dr today & been prescribed diff antedepressants. My RA keeps coming back & I feel like a bad person. Do you still recommend I do the course? My RA has become worse over time & def spikes when I’m depressed. Thanks for caring Sheryl.

        Reply
        • You are NOT a bad person; I can promise you that. If you think you can absorb the course material right now then I would definitely recommend it.

          Reply
  25. Hi Sheryl!

    Thank you for this amazing post. I have been reading your emails every Sunday since I got married (2015). I had pretty paralyzing anxiety about our marriage and your e-course got me through! Thank you for that.

    Throughout our marriage I’ve perpetually felt feelings of “not being connected” or “not being attracted” to my spouse and wishing and longing for that romantic spark and chemistry that I always dreamed love would be. Some of my friends currently have that with their new (of course) relationships and go on and on about how they’ve never felt this way, etc. I often feel like I settled because I didn’t marry someone who “sparks” things in me. He is a good man who loves me and is so kind, but I don’t feel excited around him or to be with him much of the time.

    Now we are pregnant with our first child and it has gotten even worse (hormones, partially). I often feel trapped, or like I’m selling myself short, even though I know I have a great life and am so lucky. I feel a lack of attraction and interest completely. I am wondering what daily habits I can start to take on to help me love and appreciate my husband. Do you have any daily steps to move through when coping with this kind of distress?

    Thanks,

    Reply
  26. Dear Sheryl, your blog has been a help for me but i still couldnt control my anxiety. i am a lesbian and already together with my gf for almost a year! I always have this anxiety feeling of losing her or feeling that she is going to cheat on me or choose someone else better. She is great maybe just she is very social person that love to have new friends and mang guys love to talk with her. And then, I always kind of jealous without any reason to any guys she has been talking too.
    I always think she is going to cheat on me or choose another person who is better on me. I could not sleep well and not eating well properly. And sometimes when we were eating together, she sometimes kept checking instagram like i was thinking “ am i that boring? Am i not good enough for her” we are kind of different but we do have similarties as well.
    Please anything u could help me

    Reply
    • It sounds like the relationship is triggering self-doubt and the wound of “not enough”, as relationships do for many people. This is an opportunity for you to grow your connection to yourself and heal old wounds. If possible, I recommend starting therapy, and I encourage you to read through as much of my site as you can, especially focusing in the posts that are about growing self-trust. You can find those by clicking on the Trust Yourself category on the right sidebar.

      Reply
  27. My friend shared your blog as I am going through a challenge. I met my husband 8 yrs ago. I never felt the spark, pretty much I though he could be my safe zone, which he was but deep inside I could not trust him maybe because i could not trust myself. We got married, he is a good man, husband but made a lot of mistakes. I take responsibility for accepting those mistakes and for not listen to my thoughts. Maybe because I was afraid but ironic I am a strong person, who knows what is right and knows how to walk away from danger. When I tried to walk away from the relationship and did it, I was happy, at peace but as soon as he would go after me.. for some stranger reason I went back to the relationship when I always said to myself.. this wont last, this is not what you need… now 8 yrs later we have 2 kids. I was happy but the trust, the love, the safe place is broken, at least for me. I do love him, I know it but dont feel it. He changed but I am lost, I am a different person… I get angry, I dont get sad, I dont feel love as much as I want to feel it, no matter what he does to bring me back and still.. I wont walk away..

    Reply
    • Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and when trust is broken or ruptured between two people it needs to be repaired so that safety is restored. And, at the same time, self-trust is at the core of trusting others, as you insightfully shared, which means that trust with yourself also needs to be repaired and strengthened. None of this is easy, but with two children in the mix I encourage you to do whatever it takes to repair what has been broken, especially if you’re both willing.

      Reply
  28. Sheryl, I love this post! This reminds me that character and willingness to learn are such beautiful and attractive qualities to have in a partner/spouse and I am so thankful to have a husband like that! I resonante with a previous comment how when one has clear eyes it seems easier to appreciate these qualities. I always reflect on my clear-eyed self versus fear-self. “If I wasn’t feeling anxious, would I see my partner in this way?” Has helped me. I also remind myself that, like one of your previous posts, it isn’t my partner’s job to make me feel alive. I saw this poem today: “I do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of me/ I want to be full on my own/ I want to be so complete I could light a whole city/ – Rupi Kaur

    Reply
  29. Hi Sheryl,

    Thanks for your article – Character is so important for long term relationships.

    Do you think there is a difference between how a securely attached person defines chemistry and how a anxious or avoidant person defines chemistry? For me, I think I actually am securely attached and so i define chemistry as having a sort of ‘jolt’ and excitement when i’m around them, some butterflies, think about them, get excited to see them etc…but i also value honesty and how they act, their work ethic, openness etc. I also love when the relationship gets more stable and you get that ‘warm’ solid love.

    Whereas for anxious or avoidant people perhaps the chemistry is more intense, more passionate, more all consuming, and involves ignoring red flags – and that’s the type that is often incompatible with a long term relationship?

    I don’t think for me they have to be mutually exclusive, I believe I can have chemistry and character, but sometimes it feels like the blog suggestions they are? What do you think?

    Reply
    • Chemistry and character do NOT need to be mutually exclusive! And yes, attachment plays a significant role in how we navigate love.

      Reply
  30. I find your website so useful and completely agree with all that you say but something in this article has apiked my anxiety. I used to have really bad relationship anxiety to the point wjere I couldn’t cope and almost ruined everything, before I found your website. My partner is loving, loyal, caring and so good to me. But, when he goes out for a drink and his phone goes out of charge he doesn’t answer my text/call – this gives me anxiety and makes me scared that he has had enough of me (fear mind) even though I know deep down his phone is just out of charge. But it does get to me and makes my anxiety get a bit out of control until he answers, more so because Ive explained to him about the acfect and the fact that i cant control the situation makes me go out of my mind.
    But when I read in this blog post- “Someone who will pick up the phone when you call” it’s made me wonder if ue is worth it of he doesnt pick the phone up when he’s out and had a drink and phone goes out of charge

    Reply
    • Not picking up the phone because the battery died or you’re out with friends is not cause for concern. The point of that sentence isn’t even literally about the phone but about trusting that your partner is there for you when you need him or her.

      Reply
  31. I love your blog Sheryl. When in the throes of RA, your articles are really the only online material that calm my anxiety vs. making it worse. I’ve read some of your articles time and again in hard time. “The Risk of Living and Loving” is still my personal favorite 🙂

    Anyway, when I read this line “The glass half-empty mindset, which is almost always intrinsic to the anxious-sensitive personality type, will tear your partner to shreds under your high-resolution, fear-based microscope that is looking for reasons to run and, thus, not take the risk of loving”… I wondered, has this mindset always been around, or is it specific to this day and age? It feels like people just didn’t put their partner under a microscope in the old days. Is that true, or did people just not talk about it? Is there something about today’s society that cultivates the anxious-sensitive personality type?

    I’d love to hear your thoughts, and thank you for all that you do!

    Reply
  32. Hi! My name is Emily!

    I am 18, I’ve been w my partner for almost 2 years. We’ve been through a lot Together. We started dating in high school. When I met him, I had never dated before. it was more of an attraction physically and we just kept going. Like a crush. Things moved fast and we lived together and went through ALOT. he used to not be the best partner, but he’s SO SO ALZING to me now. He’s so supportive and just wants me to be happy. We’ve been struggling a lot lately with me because for the last year or so (that we did live together) I always felt very disconnected, unhappy and uninterested. It’s hard to explain but I don’t believe I ever fell in love with HIM- it was more of I was attached. (We started dating almost a year after my mom passed. He’s my first ever love. However, he is so so amazing to me and he’s honest, respectful, supportive and loving. He told me he’s so so willing to grow with me forever. I know I’m so lucky to have found something like this at so young. But there’s this part of me that “doesn’t want him” and maybe I’m just afraid to let go? I started therapy here locally for this and she tried to get me to read a book on “codependency” which really made me nervous … because, me and my boyfriends relationship is far from toxic. But MYSELF, if anything, is what makes it toxic. Because I don’t know what or how to love. I tell myself to choose him anyways regardless if I want it or not because he’s amazing to me and he deserves this commitment. And I know it’s hard to find people like him that are willing and open and committed to growth. I am struggling with self love so much and we have almost broken up multiple times because of this “want” to leave. But I always end up reassuring myself to stay. I worry this is bad. But he’s amazing so I know there’s NO harm in growing and learning love with him. (Which he said he will be with me the whole way through this process) I just feel like I’m going “against” self love by staying because my “inner me” is wanting to leave. But, I know I can have both freedom AND love together. I just am confused- I Initially found this website because I was compulsively googling “how to love someone you aren’t attracted to”. My boyfriend doesn’t ever judge my appearance he’s told me multiple times he loves me no matter what. He deserves the same. At the end of the day, all that matters is that I get to come home to someone that loves me. But I want to learn to do the same- because, I don’t think I ever truly fell in love with him in the first place.

    Would love some advice- hoping to order the course soon! Thank you!! <3

    Reply
  33. Thanks Sheryl your wise words always calm my anxiety. I am with a loving, trustworthy, dedicated partner yet I find myself not feeling in love and constantly questioning wether I am in love with him. I am wondering how to figure out what the inner work that needs attention is?

    Reply
    • Have you been able to start the course yet? I remember we had corresponded about it a while back. The course will guide you step-by-step through understanding and implementing the inner work.

      Reply
  34. This is so beautiful too me. I especially resonate with the comments about rebuilding trust. I have been in a relationship for about a month now. Before this month we were on and off consistently for about about three or four months. Mostly because I was anxious, unsure about him even though he was very willing to commit (all the classic relationship anxiety feelings) I was intimate with him during all that time which is a very precious thing in my mind.

    I just found out yesterday that during our uncommitted on and off time he was also spending time with someone else. I was under the impression that during this time he was only with me. I felt betrayed and deeply hurt. I ended up crying all day feeling like I was in fight or flight mode all day.

    When we talked last night he was vunerable, apologetic, very careful with his words in a sensitive way and clearly very ashamed. He explained he did not want to justify his actions but that he was also deeply hurt during that time I was unwilling to commit and he was trying to fill a void and find validation.

    I know this man is a good man with the best intentions and this came as kind of a blow to me because for the past month we have been building safety together, which I have not had in a long time.

    This does bring up old relationship patterns for me and incredible anxiety. I want to work through this and also have empathy for him in his shame.

    He didn’t do anything technically wrong because we were not in a committed relationship at the time but part of me still feels like I have been cheated on. I think because I am highly suspicious of men in the first place- always looking for confirmation that they are not who they say they are.

    Sheryl do you believe this would be a red flag? I want so desperately for it not to be one. I have never met a man who has such a desire to learn and grow in my life.

    Thanks for listening!

    Reply
    • This isn’t a red flag, Jenna, but I can certainly understand how betrayed you feel. The key is here: ” I have never met a man who has such a desire to learn and grow in my life.” As long as you’re both willing to learn and grow together, you can work through anything.

      Reply
  35. Hi Sheryl,
    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: thank you. I enrolled in your Break Free From Relationship Anxiety course years ago and TO THIS DAY use it constantly. You and your work have brought me peace, self awareness, and fulfillment. Thank you thank you thank you. You have changed my life and so many others.

    I’m truly grateful.

    Reply
    • It’s always a joy to hear from you, Analise, and of course I’m delighted that the course continues to be transformative for you ;). Sending love.

      Reply
  36. This article has been a comfort for me over the last year, especially when I struggle with the spike that in a previous relationship, my partner was not one hundred percent faithful. Neither was his ex—to a more extreme extent—and he has been upfront about it and honest and willing to talk about it so that I can feel secure and we can build trust.

    Generally, I am okay with this as he is a wonderful, empathetic, and understanding man. He’s the most honest and caring person I’ve ever met. And that usually gets me through any anxiety I have about his past mistake.

    Sheryl, your section on not looking for perfection, but someone open and honest and willing to learn from mistakes is everything I’ve ever needed to hear when this anxiety bubble raises its head. Recently the bubble has reared again, but I back here reading this and finding that reassurance that no one is perfect and we’re looking for someone overall good. He’s not a habitual cheater, just a man who once made a mistake and has owned up to it. Sometimes I fear it’ll happen again and I’ll kick myself over it—but he’s given no indication that It would ever happen again and usually I can talk myself down from my anxiety. All love is risk: being with a man whose never made that mistake does not guarantee it wouldn’t happen in the future. Just like his one mistake does not define his likelihood to repeat.

    Thanks for all you do Sheryl.

    Reply

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