Most men are lonely, dissatisfied, bored, and full of shame.
Does that sound like an extreme statement? It might be extreme, but it’s true.
We’ve heard a lot about women’s struggles under patriarchal systems in recent years, but since having sons, being married to my beloved, beautiful, sensitive husband and meeting many sensitive men through my work I’ve seen firsthand how much men suffer under the current systems and paradigms. Here are just a few ways:
• Men aren’t allowed to show emotion. They learn very early in life to “stuff it” and “take it like a man.” If they cry, they’re called a sissy. If they show any emotion other than anger, they’re relegated to the lowest end of the social totem pole. Women receive these messages as well, but men hear them in spades. There is simply no place for sensitive boys in our culture.
• Men are expected to climb a work and financial ladder, yet when they achieve what they set out to achieve and are still feeling unfulfilled and miserable, there’s no place for them to talk about these feelings, and there are no maps that guide them toward true, inward fulfillment.
• Men are expected to bond over sports and alcohol. If that’s not your thing, you end up lonely. While many female friendships are predicated on sharing deeply of our inner world, men have no such template. Because men are expected to connect in superficial ways, they remain superficial. But for the men who aren’t shallow – the ones that have an inner world that might have been squashed a long time ago – a longing for deeper friendship with other men remains.
• Many men carry a father wound. Because of some to the above dynamics, many boys grow up with an absent father – either physically absent because they’re working or emotionally absent because they’ve haven’t been schooled in emotional intelligence. Or both. This leads to a father wound, where men are deprived of an elder who can guide them through life’s vicissitudes.
The Power of Community
These are just some of the ways that men are struggling. Luckily, there is an antidote.
As I’ve shared many times in relation to my courses and groups, one of our most powerful medicines is being in like-minded, safe community. We can heal alone, but there’s an element of healing that can only happen in the presence of others.
This is even more true for men, as they often have a difficult time finding deep connection with other men. They might have a group of guys to go drinking with or game with, but men are rarely in environments conducive to deeper sharing.
Furthermore, men are wired to know themselves through connection with other men. While 1:1 therapy is wonderful, for many men the missing element of their healing work is being in a safe group with other men.
Why? Because when they hear about other mens’ struggles with relationships, work, identity, money, self-worth, and fulfillment, the shame eases and they’re then able to delve into the deeper layers of their healing.
Also, as men sometimes have trouble articulating their inner world, when they hear other men sharing their stories, they suddenly have the words for their experience. What we can name, we can heal. Having words for what we’re feeling is priceless. Men can then bring those words back to their loved ones, which creates deeper connections for everyone.
An Invitation
My husband, Daev Finn, is starting a small, online men’s group for men to come together and address many of the topics that I’ve listed above: relationships, grief, anger, work, identity. As many of you know from listening to this Gathering Gold episode, Daev is a Jungian-trained psychotherapist who works closely with men, and has a keen awareness of how to help them find more fulfillment and connection. This will be a private, confidential group, and will be a very safe place to do inner healing work, learn effective tools to create more well-being, and grow connections with like-minded men of all ages.
If you’re a man reading this and you’re interesting in joining, please contact me directly through the contact form on this site.
If you’re a woman reading this and there’s a man in your life who you think would benefit from this group, please share this post with him and have him contact me directly through the contact form above.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I read a book year’s ago titled the Queen’s Code. Although the writing wasn’t great, the content was. It talked about how women treat men and how men feel. And vice versa. It really opened my eyes and changed my interactions with men. I think a men’s group is a great idea.
I read that series as well! Some great stuff there.
Interested
Wonderful. Please email me directly and I’ll send more information, then connect you with Daev.
Sheryl,
I’m interested. How do I email you directly?
Mike F
The contact form above or: [email protected]
This is wild that this article is coming out today. Last night I was visiting home for dinner- with my brother, my living grandmother, an auntie, and my uncle who I have a very strained relationship with to say the least. The topic ended up drifting to reasons women live longer than men, and I brought this very thing up. Unfortunately, any time I talk about cultural problems with men, he takes offense to it- saying I’m making generalizations and what not. I was tryin very hard to steer away from generalizing language, and then he tried to say something that was kind of a rebuttal, bringing up a subject that to me was very disturbing, so I asked him to use a different example and he just start screaming at me and everyone else about how we don’t ever listen to him. I never asked him not to talk, just to use a different example because the one he used was really triggering for me. The point is, I think he was set off by the conversation anyway (and frankly by me cause he has a lot of resentment towards me).
He has definitely talked about never having a father figure, and on top of that he had a mother (my other grandmother, the narcissistic one who died) who talked VERY disparagingly about men. So I get it, he’s been hurt in that way, but he seems to have taken it to the not having very positive views of women place, and not wanting to acknowledge the cultural issues with men at all. I would love to send this to him because I think he really needs it, but he won’t take anything from me. I’m even at the point where I don’t feel like I can be around him or talk to him anymore- which is really sad.
On a separate note, I saw a Twitter thread one time by a woman who said she found it unattractive when men cry, and wouldn’t believe any woman who said she did find it attractive “unless she wanted to be his mommy.” For the records, sensitive, tender men are who I find the most attractive. It’s just so sad that men are expected to be so emotionally stunted.
That sounds like a very painful interaction, Riley. And, sadly yes, some women are turned off by men who cry. Personally, my heart opens as wide as the universe when my husband shows me his hurting heart, and we’ve encouraged the same in both of our sons. I think we’re growing in the right direction regarding accepting and even encouraging mens’ emotional expression, but we have a long way to go.
Thanks for this. I strongly relate to the ‘absent father’. My dad was never, ever physically absent – he never went away, divorced, or anything like that. When I was little he gave me lots of attention, but it was ‘doing’ things – making stuff, reading stuff together, collecting fossils, etc. I realise how lucky I am that my dad did this stuff with me. But, he had extremely high hopes for me in term of academia, which I internalised, and which led to a breakdown after two years of postgrad study. Another thing: my dad is incapable of discussing emotions. Ever. This sounds extreme, but it’s true. He has never, ever asked how I feel, or told me how he feels (beyond showing anger, fairly often). I also do not recall any instance at all of physical affection between me and my dad. Ever. Again, sounds extreme, but it’s true.
My mum is the polar opposite. Extremely high emotional bond, smothering. And caught between these two poles – hay ho, relationship anxiety!!!
I had a wonderful childhood by and large, and I really don’t want to minimise that. But boy, I often feel like I need to nurture my own internal, symbolic father.
Thanks again for a great article.
Hi Joshua. So much of what you shared resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. Relationship anxiety included! I am strongly contemplating the Break Free from Relationship Anxiety course because its an area of therapy that not too many psychologists specialize in in South Africa.
I recommend the course, for sure
You’ve just described many of my male clients’ upbringing, Joshua!
I can identify with this Joshua. My father, and mother, were both physically present. Emotionally though, well we didn’t discuss emotions really at all, and I never witnessed much emotion (outside of anger – yelling mostly). My parents did divorce, during the same time that I was getting married. What I realize now, is that at a time where I needed to see and receive guidance, instead I was parenting my parents through a separation (that they handled very poorly). My mother is still in our lives, but my father stopped engaging, and we rarely see him or speak to him. I’ve tried to approach the subject at times, and ask why he disconnected from everyone, and he only gives small answers (and it’s the same answer every time).
What I also find interesting, is that men don’t have to be specifically raised by their direct parents to “stuff it in” or raise the financial ladder, etc. It’s culturally implied. I did not have parents that called me “sissy” or told me not to cry, but it was just sort of embedded into the consciousness that the world likes to deliver on with specific “should’s” and “shouldn’ts” regarding many things. My wife is a better driver than me, and logically and rationally I understand and accept this as we are two equal human beings with different skills (regardless of gender), but when I’m feeling stressed on a certain drive and my wife offers to take over, I can’t help but feel that tweak of shame and lack of self worth, almost as if I’m failing as a man
There has been a lot of vulnerable truth shared here on this thread about a male’s experience with the legacy of our fathers. It’s partly that invisible father-wound that we’ll be exploring in the men’s group. It is some of what I write about in the tale of the Fisher-King which harkens to Robert A. Johnson’s work on this subject, and other articles a little hidden on medium – https://medium.com/@daev.finn .
I often talk to clients about how we receive information in a family either overtly or covertly. Overt things we may be taught to believe in aloud. We form a culture around them, like discussing literature around a dinner table is a specific culture – while others may center their culture around sports, academics, politics, or other things.
Covert messages and beliefs we may not be aware we are handing down. The anxiety or depressive approach to life may come from a long line that may be wrapped in messages like, “The world is unsafe”.
The two messages can mix though, we can be encouraged to succeed academically (overt), and then covertly we absorb the disappointment of our family that is never expressed aloud and yet we feel it.
When we feel like we are failing though as men, shame comes in, as Steve mentions. It comes in and if we can observe that shame and try to unravel it – it can give us a path through. Shame that doesn’t get handled can turn inward into rage, self-loathing, and addiction.
It can turn into ways of coping that become self-destructive.
Finding the language, as you are right now, to express some of this is part of that process – it requires being brave, and it means going inward again to take a look. We write and try again, and over time the shame voice gets turned around.
I like to think of it like this, we have two main ways of dealing with the ruminating shame or self-critical voices in our life. The first is to try to squelch that voice – which often requires being mean to it (shut up voice!) which can lead to using substances that can suppress this.
The second is to slow down and listen, and reflect on what is coming up as you are doing here. I call It folding as a shorthand, but it’s about insight, and insight leads to calm seas, that self-acceptance when the storm abates. It means creating understanding and being compassionate to ourselves, working with these areas so we can keep growing and leave some of these ancestral demons behind instead of passing them along or carrying them with us.
You are looking at this, don’t forget to be compassionate with yourselves as you wrestle with all of this because it is something big that you are trying to unravel, bigger than one generation could have created.
I’m sending this to my husband. Thanks, S.
👍
Hey Sheryl! Any details available for: how long the group will run; length of group sessions; open or closed group; and cost?
Thanks!
Hi Jane! Please have whoever is interested in the group email me directly and we’ll share more.
Ok, thanks!
This is a WONDERFUL initiative! Thank you both for creating it.
Thank you, dear one! And from the outpouring of interest it’s clear that there’s a true need.
Hi Sheryl,
I’m a therapist in training and am interested in leaning more about the father wound. Do you recommend any books on this topic? Thank you!
I can recommend two books to start off, but one of those books comes in different flavors.
The first book is HE: Understanding Male Psychology by Robert A. Johnson. Johnson uses the myth of the Fisher King to discuss the father wound, the wound which will not heal. He also talks about how it appears in the son.
There is an audio version of He and there isn’t for all Robert Johnson books, so that is handy.
Michael Meade talks about similar topics, the archetypal wound that is received from a father may be more to the point of what he talks about but it depends on what version of his book you have. The book is The Water of Life. Now there is a roughly 3 hour version of this by Sounds True that is an audio book, which Michael Meade drumming and telling just one story – and then breaking it down throughout the book.
There is a digital version of the same book The Water of Life: Initiation and the Tempering of the Soul. This version has many stories, and again he discusses the stories after telling the tale. There is a third version of this book which is print, and I can’t say whether it matches up with the other two versions of this book because I don’t currently have it.
These books are exploring this topic of course from the Jungian / Depth psychology approach to this subject, which looks to find insight in the stories we tell. There is a lot of overlap between the story of the Fisher King and some of the stories that Michael Meade explores which is because they are universal and archetypal themes.