I define a mother wound as:
A rupture of attunement where a mother, due to her own unmet needs, lack of fulfillment/sense of self, and/or narcissistic and judgmental tendencies is unable to meet the emotional needs of her child. The mother’s expectations and needs become paramount and the daughter learns to orient around those needs.
At the center of being raised by a mother who can’t attune to her daughter’s needs lives a variety of “contracts”, which are unwritten and unspoken rules that the daughter learns early in life and must abide by if she’s going to remain in her mother’s good graces. Here are a few (I list many more in my Healing the Mother Wound course). The contract goes like this: As a “good daughter” it’s my job/I’m supposed to:
- be the peacemaker.
- hold all of the emotional baggage. This might sound like, “I’ll feel sad so that my mother doesn’t have to.”
- make my mother feel better.
- make sure she’s not lonely.
- not hurt her in any way.
- give up what I want so that she’ll be happy.
- not complain.
- not have difficult feelings or big feelings.
- take care of my younger siblings.
- not have needs.
- not be difficult.
- not be a child (this is the parentified child whose job it is to take care of her mother).
- raise myself.
- support all of my mother’s choices, even if I don’t agree with them.
- be happy
The Core Hallmark
At the core of these contracts is a common thread, which is one of the key hallmarks of a mother wound: you must never say NO to your mother, and if you do say no you will be punished. In this sense, there is a cult-like quality to a being raised by a wounded mother: as long as you drink her Kool-Aid, she’ll give you the world. But as soon as you say no, you’re kicked to the curb.
You’re either in or out.
You’re either in favor or out of favor.
A narcissistic mother cannot tolerate being challenged.
She cannot tolerate a difference of opinion.
She cannot tolerate when her daughter begins to individuate, often between the ages of 8-12 years old.
When we learn that we cannot say no to our primary caregiver, we carry that belief into other relationships. We lose our voice. We pretzel and people-please. We become afraid of our anger, which is often a prelude to NO. We have a difficult time setting boundaries and trusting that someone’s reaction is not our fault.
The effects of being raised by a wounded mother are far-reaching, but if you are an adult daughter carrying a mother wound, there is a pathway to healing.
Healing the Mother Wound
The pathway requires grieving the mother that you never had so that you can open to the loving mothers who are all around you.
For the truth is that mothering is too vast of a job for one person. Even if you had a loving mother, it’s not enough to fill the need for mothering that we all have.
Once we grieve what never was nor could be, we can open to what is.
The woman who birthed me
is not my true mother,
just as I am not the true mother of
the sons I birthed.
The true mother is the one
who rocks us in her salty waters,
who whispers to us in the twilight hour when
she spreads her golden light across the
fields like a picnic blanket and
invites us to sit down.
Every time we notice an insect climbing up
a stalk of grass;
Every time we cry out to the moon and
allow her to catch our tears;
Every time we remember to pay homage at the
temple of our bodies,
we are being held by a mother who
knows us,
see us,
loves us.
How easy it is to forget that
we are not alone,
and to believe that
the one who birthed us
should heal our pain.
It is so much bigger than we imagine.
It is as a big as the stars and the galaxies –
this love from the mother who
waits for us to call to her and
ask to lie down in her arms.
Healing in Community
The 5th round of Healing the Mother Wound: A 40-day course for daughters will begin on April 25, 2026, and I only run this course every two years. The course includes three group coaching calls, support on a highly moderated forum, and, most importantly, connecting with other like-minded women worldwide who struggle with this same wound. I only run this course live (there’s no self-paced option) because I deeply believe that we need the support of a guide and other women while addressing this most tender pain. As always, we’re not meant to heal alone, and this is particularly true when it comes to healing from the mother wound.
Here are the dates and times for the Zoom calls. Please note that only about 1/4 of the participants are typically able to make the live meetings for my courses. As always, if you can’t make the meeting, you’ll receive the recording afterwards.
Call 1: Thursday April 30 at 4pm ET / 1pm PT
Call 2: Thursday May 14th at 4pm ET /1pm PT
Call 3: Thursday May 28th at 11am ET / 8am PT
I look forward to seeing you there.
P.S. To listen to our Gathering Gold episode on the mother wound, click here.
This blog couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, as I just had a conflict with my mother last night. I feel a lot of confusion around the mother wound, because while I feel my mother can be subtly emotionally manipulative and at times immature, her love is never fully pulled from me. She truly does love me and would do anything in her power for me, yet through her fear around my own struggles, she pushes my boundaries (if I even have the strength to set them), and makes my struggles about her and how it makes her feel, under the guise of it all “coming from a place of love.” This makes me extremely confused, because I know she loves me but I feel like I’m doing something wrong by struggling with my mental and physical health, and not taking the more mainstream approaches that she would like me to take.
I’m not exactly sure what my question is, I’m just confused as to how to interact with her because I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like between a mother and an adult child. It’s obvious that a parent should never put their emotions onto a child, but is it appropriate for her to share her feelings with me as an adult?
Thank you for your comment, Sarah. A mother can certainly share her own feelings about HER own life with her adult child, provided the daughter is interested and has capacity for those feelings. But if she’s sharing feelings about YOUR mental health journey, it’s not appropriate. When you listen to your body you’ll know and trust that your mother making your struggles about her is a boundary violation, and the work is to learn how to skillfully set boundaries that protect your mental health.
Thank you so much Sheryl. Your response validated me and helped me to respond to her to set some boundaries, which I need a lot of practice with. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.🤍
Oh wow. This is incredible timing and oh how the universe works its magic.
I feel like I don’t want to call my mom a narcissistic person, just very emotionally unavailable.
Through my own therapy and finding my way spiritually, I have found the huge shift in my life begin. I no longer wish to have anxiety dictate my life and relationships. Because I have found this clarity and this comes with practice and speaking to and with a Higher Power, I no longer wish to operate from fear and anxiety.
My mom …
If I go a couple of days without speaking to my mom, I get an “are you angry with me” text. This repeats a cycle of me coming to her rescue and reassure her but I’m tired of this dynamic. I have to tell her “no I’m tired with work” which is the truth. I live a calm lifestyle – I enjoy reading, baking, going on walks.
My mom and dad are retired and she has wants and needs that are not being fulfilled so she turns to me (I don’t think she realizes) and I find I need to help her – I have suggested therapy, books, joining a club, volunteering – but these suggestions fall on deaf ears (she can hear).
I had a very long conversation about this to her and the following day she asked me “are you upset with me, have I upset you”? It worried me that she is forgetting or just cannot accept I am growing in a different way and that I don’t feel close to her this season of life.
She has told me that I have changed and I felt sad because I feel like my boundaries being up is a bad thing. However, I know in my heart, I need to stop looking to rescue her, and make sure that I am safe and secure so we can have a meaningful relationship. It is hard when I am the only one doing the work …. But this work is worth it.
Sending love to those who can and cannot relate. You are not alone on your path.
Cait: Thank you for chiming in and sharing about your mom. It’s an interesting and important differentiation between a mother who leans towards narcissism and one who is unfulfilled – as it sounds like your mother is. In a nutshell, in response to a daughter setting a boundary a more wounded mother wouldn’t ask, “Are you angry with me?” but would instead express her own anger. The end result is similar in that you’re also left feeling like setting a boundary is a bad thing, but the task for you is more about letting go of the impulse to rescue her while still having a meaningful relationship.