As much as you want to change and heal, as much as you long to feel more fullness, aliveness, calm, and well-being, as much as you deeply desire a way to navigate life with more ease and less attachment to control, there is another part of you that resists the actions necessary to step into the helm of your inner ship and steer it toward healing. Why? Because we have an ego, and the ego’s number one mission in life is to resist change and maintain the status quo. For the ego, change equals death – both death of a layer of its own self and a death of familiarity and constancy. So as much as you long to heal, there is possibly a bigger part of you that longs to remain in the misery of familiarity simply because it’s familiar.
Any path you take that initiates a new cycle of healing – whether it’s therapy, meditation, yoga, or a course – will invite you to follow your symptoms of anxiety, lack of self-worth, and depression through the doorways that lead to psyche. And yet, as I’ve shared many times, one of the biggest reasons why people don’t commit to a path of healing work is because they’re terrified to find out what lives behind their own closed doors. They’re terrified to feel their pain. They’re terrified to turn inward in case they discover a deep, dark truth that means they have to leave their relationship or change their life completely.
The #1 reason why people are terrified to heal is because they’re scared of what they’ll discover.
One of the most effective tactics to dislodge ego’s power is to name it clearly. When we name ego’s lines and replace them with the truth, its power diminishes, and that slight weakening may be enough to step into the gap and make a different choice. The incredible irony is that quite often with fear, the truth is the diametric opposite of what ego is telling us! It’s literally the EXACT opposite, which makes it fairly easy to dismantle its lies. Here we go:
Fear says, “If you grow, you’ll lose your partner.” The truth is that if you grow, you’ll open more fully to love, which allows you to connect more deeply with your partner.
Fear says, “If you heal, you’ll realize that everything about your life is wrong and you’ll have to change it.” The truth is that when you heal, you learn to connect more deeply to gratitude, which allows you to accept and love the life you’re living.
Fear says, “If you connect to yourself, you’ll realize how disconnected you are from your partner.” The truth is that connecting to yourself is one of the primary keys that allows you to infuse connectivity into all of your relationships.
Fear says, “If I turn inward I’ll discover a horrible, dark secret about myself.” The truth is that when you turn inward you discover the hidden beauty of who you are in your essence.
Here is the lifeline I can offer: When you turn inward and learn to address your resistance and feel your feelings, what you discover is YOU: beautiful, awake, loving, empathic, kind, conscientious you. The you that has been buried beneath your anxiety. The you that has been waiting to be picked up and held. The you that is as beautiful as wildflowers, as pure as light, as golden as sunshine, as poetic as moonlight. When you peel back the resistance and soften the fear-walls, you come closer to yourself, which only makes you closer to everyone around you, including life itself.
If there is some part of you that is reaching out from the depths of your pain, I am reaching back. As I’ve shared in many recent posts, we’re not meant to heal alone, and when you know that there’s a group of loving and compassionate people who are on the ride with you, it’s so much easier to commit to the actions necessary for growth. As one member of my small phone groups that focus on relationship anxiety shared, “The reason I’ve been able to take this next step toward healing is because I know that the group is here every week. Even if I don’t share, I know that if I dip into scary territory, I’m being held in the safety net of the group. Without that knowledge, it wouldn’t have felt safe to keep moving forward.”
The key word here is safety. We can only take the next steps into growth when we feel safe. Safety is the pillow that allows us open our hearts and feel the lifetime of denied and forgotten pain. Safety is the anchor that allows us to step onto the little boat that will carry us into the sea of our unconscious where our wisdom and guidance live. Safety is what allows us to step through the small crack that divides ego’s resistance and the deeper desire to step onto a path of growth.
My course, Break Free From Anxiety: A 9-Month Course on the Art of Living, is this safety net and the roadmap that will guide you into your next layer of growth. It doesn’t matter where you are on the labyrinth – at the beginning stages or years into your healing work – if you’re longing for more daily guidance, weekly support, and monthly wisdom to walk you through a deepening of your healing, I invite you to join us on this exciting and courageous journey, which begins on September 27th, 2020
I’m also excited to share that I’ll be offering another free webinar on Monday September 21st 6:15pm on the topic of why this is the time to break free from anxiety and my new course. As always, there will be ample time to ask questions and connect directly with me. If you’re on the fence about this course, this is a great place for you to hear more about it, have a direct experience of how I work, and ask questions. You can sign up here.
Ahhhhhh! I’m still so easily conned by fear. My mind feeds me those lines all the time and in the isolation of my own mind, it all seems so reasonable and plausible. Wonderful post, thank you. I love my weekly check-ins with CT. See you on the webinar! X
It’s so easy to be conned by fear! See you soon :).
Yes! This fear is exactly the one keeping me from seeking therapy when I was suffering depersonalisation as a teenager. Sending myself back then and all of you love.
Funny how I want to change and anxiety says I don’t. My daughter has an eating disorder and in times of anxiety the eating disorder convinced her it is comforting. Anxiety sometimes does the same thing. Looking forward to starting the course
I look forward to seeing you there :).
What I don’t understand is, my whole life I thought of myself as highly emotionally intelligent, and someone who felt things deeply, and was deeply connected with life and my family, and the people I admire. I noticed I started having more anxious related thoughts a few months after surviving the Tubbs fire in 2017, and then after being in a 7.1 earthquake with repeated aftershocks and the scary (however untrue) possibility of an as big or worse earthquake, I started to disconnected. I was like “what the heck?” It scared me that I wasn’t feeling that connected. And then I started to have weird thoughts that were totally against my grain, and those haven’t let go since March of 2019. I work hard to try and not take them as truth, and I can tell they come from fear. They seem to be actively trying to push away people that mean a lot to me (except, oddly, my mother). I definitely feel that “what if I discover it’s true?” “What if I have to lose this person because I had bad thoughts about them?” “What if I can’t ever connect again and be the person I used to be?” “What could I possibly have to learn from this?” “How do I know what’s embedded in this thought?”
Whoops, this was supposed to be own comment. I didn’t realize it was in reply to somebody else’s comment
Yes! The other scary thing about going through healing is the fear of ‘what if I can’t be healed’. It’s like I keep myself from engaging in it because I’m afraid if it doesn’t ‘work’ then there will be no hope!
Ah yes! Another classic fear line that keeps people from engaging in their healing work. Thank you for adding it :).
This is me! A very frustrating game that fear plays because it’s disguised as “intelligence” to me
I was about to type this very thing until I read your comment! My ego says “nope, your fears are different. You won’t be able to be fixed. Everyone else can but yours are different.” Just like you, I’m afraid it won’t work and my ego will be proven right!
Ugh same!!! It’s crazy how much the ego can keep you from doing anything. Thanks for this post Sheryl!
This is me too – fear of not being healable and loss of hope – comforting to hear others too.
Thank you for this! It came when I really needed it. My fear of losing my relationship is crazy strong and there is so much I have to keep digging into and having to learn about myself, fearing I’ll lose him or myself every time. I’m really hoping it doesn’t stay like this forever and I doubt it will but right now the work is terrifying (because I don’t want to lose him) and hard and there are no guarantees I’ll get what I want most. Gah! Fear seems to shout so much louder then anything else sometimes.
Fear shouts very loud until we stop buying into its lines. The more you feed it (believe it) the louder it becomes, but as soon as you call it out onto the mat and take the opposite action, fear quiets down and the healing begins.
Uncanny timing! Needed to hear this exact message.
I’m so glad it arrived at the right time :).
Such wonderful timing as always. You’ve been so instrumental in my life over the past 5 years. I’m now happily married. it’ll be one year in December. With as far as I’ve come over the years I still get stuck with all of those fear thoughts from time to time that keep me from fully healing. Thank you for the reminder of what’s behind the thoughts and fear. It’s too easy to forget when anxiety is at the front.
We all get stuck with fear thoughts from time to time. It’s part of being human, and it’s always an invitation to delve into the next layer of growth.
This post reminds me of the ‘Immunity to Change’ work by Robert Kegan. In a workplace context, why are people stuck in bad behaviours that hold them back? He says there are good reasons stemming from deeply held beliefs (competing commitments) that are often unconscious. He suggests asking:
1. What would you like to see changed at work, so that you could be more effective or so that work would be more satisfying?
2. What commitments does your complaint imply?
3. What are you doing, or not doing, that is keeping your commitment from being realised?
4. If you imagine doing the opposite of the undermining behavior, do you detect in yourself any discomfort, worry, or vague fear?
5. By engaging in this undermining behavior, what worrisome outcome are you committed to preventing?
I thought it was tangentially relevant and could apply and help here!
Thank you!
Sheryl, you mention that the one on Monday September 16th will be your fourth free webinar. Is it possible to access the previous three?
Yes, please contact my assistant and she’ll help you: kathryn@conscious-transitions.com.
What if you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner anymore, in order to express yourself and your true feelings like you used to?
If the lack of safety is due to issues in the relationship – as opposed to your own wounds – then you need to repair safety and trust, ideally through EFT-couples therapy (Sue Johnson’s work).
Hi Sheryl,
I signed up for the webinar but then realized it will take place in the middle of the night for me here in Germany. Will the webinar be recorded or is there another chance for me to access it afterwards?
Thanks 🙂 (and thank you so much for all the work you’re doing!)
Juliane
It will be recorded and you’ll receive the replay link afterwards :).
Great! 🙂
Some nutritious food for thought 😉 We are called to change, yet it will likely be kinder and more loving than our fears or expectations! For a long time I’ve tried to change myself, and since a teenager have been in many situations where my needs and nature weren’t honoured. When I suffered I tried to “change” myself more to make it work. The most beautiful gift of starting therapy for me has been to give me permission as a type 2 enneagram helper to see myself as worthy of my own help! So I have been making changes that align with my needs and allow me to become more free and alive, yet also having to give up some of the validation from others which was just enough to keep me stagnant!
I have noticed a resurgence of “rescue fantasies” (likely a withdrawal from the high of other’s approval or meeting people’s expectations) along with this – yet I feel that the ways in which my fiancé doesn’t meet my parental/cultural ideals is actually allowing me to learn my own value in a deeper way apart from how I live up to these same “ideals.”
Thank you! 🙂
Sheryl, my schedule at the moment does not fit with taking your 9 months course right now. Do you think that there is a chance that you will offer it again in the future? Thanks.
Too bad! I’ll likely offer it next September (annually).
Good to know! I wish you all taking the course this round a warm time together.
Hi Sheryl.
Would you like to write a blog about the topic of codependence?
I can’t stop thinking that I’m codependent on my lover. Before this, I loved spending time with him but I also liked to spend time alone. We’ve always had some struggles with making plans because I liked to do stuff together a little bit more than he does. But, we’ve talked a lot about this and this didn’t bother us anymore. Overall, we both have our own lifes (work, friends, hobbies) next to our relationship. However, I can’t stop obsessing about codependence. I’ve read about it and now I just can’t stop thinking that I am codependent and that we are in an unhealthy relationship (although I deepdown know this isn’t true). Lately, the thought ‘you just don’t want to be alone’ creeped into my mind. Im also struggling when I see him. I constantly doubt WHY I want to see him: because I just don’t want to spend the night alone, because I’m dependent on him .. and so on. It just sucks. Before all this I just liked to see him, but now I’m constantly checking why I want to see him.
This is so me. You are not alone! For me, I’ve started to realize that recently I’ve lost a lot of hobbies because of my new schedule. I’m not as involved in things that I was once passionate about, and my friends have proven to be not as true as I once thought them to be. So, I’ve turned to my partner a lot more. Personally, I’ve been trying to find new hobbies and new people to spend time with in order to take my reliance off my partner and onto myself. It’s hard and it’s very scary, but I know it’s the right thing for me and my relationship. I hope that might help!
Sheryl,
I just want to thank you. I’ve been struggling with anxiety my whole life… and I’m still learning and discovering new ways it rears it’s ugly head. Just when I think I’ve conquered one manifestation, it shows up somewhere else.
I had horrible separation anxiety as a child, then I developed frequent hand washing and intrusive thoughts around second grade. I spent hours laying around with stomachaches obsessing over them and how horrible I was for thinking such things. My parents helped me where they could but I had to learn to deal with them. The hand washing faded but the intrusive thoughts stayed around.
As I got older, the intrusive thoughts moved to the background as life got busier, and they didn’t bother me as much, most of the time. I also began to understand more about how all of these things were related to anxiety.
Then in college, I started having panic attacks— a new manifestation of anxiety. They mostly happened at church or at school and those places couldn’t be avoided, so I learned to deal with them— learned to force myself to calm down and was finally able to fight them this way and eventually to stop having them.
Now I am 30 and have recently realized a new manifestation— relationship anxiety. At first I didn’t know what it was, and I thought something was really wrong with me when I didn’t feel all the things I thought I should feel in my current relationship. I later realized I had had this problem before, in a high school relationship, and had really only felt the way I thought I should feel when I loved someone when I was “in love” with someone I couldn’t have. I didn’t know I was mixing up love with painful longing and infatuation.
But then I found your website, and read your blog posts. I am getting married in less than 4 weeks! I’m still anxious but the things you say about love and what it really is, a choice of the will and a giving of yourself, are so helpful, and they are the same things I’ve heard from my Catholic faith, from my premarital counseling, and from my loving and wonderful fiancé, who recently bought me one of your books to read. He is so understanding and has helped me and listened to me as I continue to learn more about myself and my anxiety. Even when the intrusive thoughts have hurt him, he has stayed there by my side to help me fight them.
I’ve come to realize that my pre-wedding anxiety is very much like parachuting out of a crashing plane— it feels safer not to jump, to stay in the plane, but in reality the plane is going to crash and that’s not a good choice. My instincts tell me that jumping is scary and not safe, but I have to trust my parachute instead of my instincts, and jump! My faith and courage are the parachutes that will help me float gently into my new husband’s arms, and the parachute was sewn together by those who helped me learn the Truth.
These things are what give me the courage to go forward and win against anxiety again! Thank you so much for your help!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I’m so glad that my work is helping you address your lifelong anxiety. If you haven’t read The Wisdom of Anxiety, I encourage you to do (I’m not sure which book your fiancé bought for you!) as it will help you address your anxiety at the root and further guide you along your pathways of healing. x
What I don’t understand is, my whole life I thought of myself as highly emotionally intelligent, and someone who felt things deeply, and was deeply connected with life and my family, and the people I admire. I noticed I started having more anxious related thoughts a few months after surviving the Tubbs fire in 2017, and then after being in a 7.1 earthquake with repeated aftershocks and the scary (however untrue) possibility of an as big or worse earthquake, I started to disconnected. I was like “what the heck?” It scared me that I wasn’t feeling that connected. And then I started to have weird thoughts that were totally against my grain, and those haven’t let go since March of 2019. I work hard to try and not take them as truth, and I can tell they come from fear. They seem to be actively trying to push away people that mean a lot to me (except, oddly, my mother). I definitely feel that “what if I discover it’s true?” “What if I have to lose this person because I had bad thoughts about them?” “What if I can’t ever connect again and be the person I used to be?” “What could I possibly have to learn from this?” “How do I know what’s embedded in this thought?
This post is helpful and makes a lot of sense. About a year and a half ago I started getting intrusive thoughts about my sexuality and it bled into doubts about my marriage as well. Being in my early 40s and not having these doubts before I was crippled with anxiety as to what it all meant. The fear is still there but I am managing better and learning each day. Getting the understanding on how fear gives you these extreme scenarios to act as a way to protect you from vulnerabilities was key. I’m not done healing but this learning is more of an undoing of brainwash from societal conditioning
Thank you Sheryl (first time posting, although I follow your work for a long time, thank you for everything!). Indeed, I hear these thoughts about being broken, that my fears are different, that there’s something wrong with me, that there’s some dark truth about who I really am that I should not discover, that really there’s no hope for me… All this despite believing deep down in the fundamental goodness of human beings and being told by others that I’m a sensitive and caring person. Sunnysyd above wrote something that really resonates with me: these messages from the ego sound so convincing because they come disguised as “intelligence”. Something clicked inside me when I read that. It makes so much sense, I thought, because I was always the best student in class. My sense of identity was built around the idea that I’m intelligent, although I was also always very much sensitive (love arts, music, meditation, nature, etc.). The thing is, my sensibility was never mirrored in a positive way by my parents, who always thought I was “too much”, so I strove to be more and more intelligent, believing I would be loved if I were the smartest boy and, in the process, convincing myself that I could sort everything out in life by pure reasoning. I never understood people who “had faith”, who “trusted” in God, etc. But, in recent years, I begin to understand them and relate to them. Oh, such hubris from my part to think that I could sort every mystery of life, the meaning of life itself, just by reasoning and believing in these thoughts (sometimes disguised by me ego as “intuitions”)! The universe, God, the ultimate reality of who we are is so mysterious and so marvellous, how could reason alone grasp it all? I feel a burden lifting from my shoulders just by writing this. Life doesn’t need to be sorted out, it needs to be lived. Thank you
Sheryl! Hi! I hope you’re well and safe!
I am in the depths of relationship anxiety at the moment and I don’t currently have enough money to purchase the course so I’m trying to rely on the blog. I lately have been feeling almost not myself around my girlfriend. Not bad, just a different side of myself. Different than when I am with my friends. Is this because I’m with the wrong partner?
Any insight would be great! Thank you.