We grow up absorbing many slogans about romantic love, most of which I’ve unpacked on my blog and in my course. Among the most common are:
- “You will just know when you meet the One.”
- “Don’t settle.”
- “If you don’t have enough chemistry, your relationship is doomed.”
- “Doubt means don’t.“
- “You should always want to spend time with your partner.”
- “You should never feel irritated with your partner.“
- “If you don’t miss your partner when they’re away, something is wrong.”
- “If you’re not instantly attracted, don’t bother.”
I’ve spent a long time debunking this last one and offering a true definition of attraction. You can find many of these posts and my free attraction sampler here. But there’s an offshoot slogan of both the attraction theme and the “you’ll just know when you meet the One” theme that I’ve never unpacked, which is: “Love at first sight.”
Hollywood and Disney
Hollywood has built an entire industry on this one line. It’s nearly every Disney film, many of which are based on fairy tales, where the star-crossed lovers see each other across the room and it’s… yes: Love at first sight.
There are so many things wrong with this sentiment.
First off, if you think you’ve fallen in love with someone just from seeing them across the room, you’ve mistaken love for projection. Is projection at first sight real? Sure. That happens all the time. You see someone and you project all of your longings, dreams, and fantasies of the perfect partner all over them. But love? Impossible. Real love, as I’ve been writing about for 25 years, takes years to grow. Real love is built on trust, vulnerability, and shared experiences, all of which can only strengthen over time.
Secondly, the concept of “love at first sight” is based only on physical attraction. Can you be attracted to someone at first sight? Yes, but only on the most superficial level. You can find someone physically appealing, but even that is based on deeper attractions that we tend to overlook in our culture. When we’re drawn to someone physically it’s often because we’re drawn to their essence.
The Real Definition of Love at First Sight
Seeing someone’s essence happens when our hearts open to the world around us, including our partner. In those open-hearted moments, the residue of life’s challenges fall away, and we see clearly. We could say we fall in love when our sight clear, when the doors of perception are open and we see our beloved’s essence. This is true love, real love. This is the real definition of love at first sight.
Mark Nepo, in his Valentine’s Day entry in The Book of Awakening, says it beautifully:
In truth, it has never been about first meeting, though this can happen, but more about first coming into view. As a breeze all spun out lets the water go clear, we finally stop talking, stop performing, stop pretending, and all tired out, we go clear, and the heart that rests in everything beats before us.”
And that, my friends, is love at first sight: when our defenses fall away, when fear quiets down, and we see through clear eyes instead of fear eyes. In a healthy marriage, one where both people are doing their inner work and willing to work together to smooth out the rough spots that arrive from trauma collisions, this happens more frequently over time, not less.
“Love at first sight” then becomes “love at 1000th sight” and “love at 10,000th sight.” It’s something that can happen every day, even if only for a few magical moments when the clouds clear and you see, really see, the shining beautiful essence of the person with whom you’re lucky enough to share this life.
If we view love as a conscious choice to make a commitment, then love at first sight seems like a very odd concept. Perhaps it is possible in the context of arranged marriages. For my part, I was attracted to my now wife when I first met her, but that attraction has grown over time. When I look at her how, I feel more ‘in love’ than I did ten years ago. I really don’t want this to spike anyone though; it’s different for everyone!
Exactly! And yes, I’m right there with you: 25 years in and I’m more in love with my husband than ever.
I’m also married 25 years but have struggled off and on my entire marriage with ROCD. I always thought time would heal this darkness but I have to battle constantly to remain connected.
Hi Patty, I hear you. I wouldn’t say my ROCD has ‘gone away’, it sort of comes and goes and leaps around somewhat. There is indeed a constant energy required to stay connected, but I’ve learnt to view this less as a symptom of a ‘disorder’ and more as simply what is required in order to love. Love can be hard sometimes!
Amazing article and such a beautiful quote from Mark Nepo. You have helped me so much in my relationship and I thank you for that. Now I have a beautiful marriage filled with so much love and joy in part because of your work and wisdom. Thank you!
That’s so good to hear! Thank you for letting me know.
Thank you for your always beautiful writing! 🙂
Can you please consider writing more about friendship?
♡
Yes, it’s on our Gathering Gold list and I can also write about it here.
Exactly what I needed to read! Thank you so very much.
I’m so glad it was helpful, Leslie.
I think I’m misunderstanding. If “love at first sight” typically is based on superficial physical attraction, then how can it also be seeing someone’s essence? I wasn’t initially physically attracted to my partner so it helps to hear that it’s superficial but then hearing physical attraction means you are drawn to essence and that that is true love worries me. I understand I can see essence over time with an open heart but I guess im confused that perhaps I should have been physically attracted from the start if it’s not just superficial. I’m not sure if I’m making sense but I guess I need clarification on how being drawn to someone physically means being drawn to essence (and therefore true love) and what that means for someone like me who didn’t have that initial physical draw.
It can be hard to see someone’s essence in the beginning. Sometimes our hearts open right away to someone and we see essence, but often fear shows up immediately, which eclipses clear-seeing. I hope that makes sense.
I think that makes sense. I think what’s most confusing perhaps is this sentence: “
When we’re drawn to someone physically it’s often because we’re drawn to their essence.”
Do I have to be physically drawn and attracted in order to see essence? Perhaps I’m overthinking this, I apologize. The attraction spike is huge for me so I get triggered and worried easily that perhaps me not being initially attracted and only having some attraction here and there is not something I should have done. Although I do know his essence is beautiful and I learned that overtime.
You do not have to be physically drawn to see essence. But the more you see essence, the more physically drawn you’ll be. Remember my primary teaching on attraction: attraction is connection. When you’re connected to yourself, when your partner is connected to himself, and when you’re connected to each other you’ll feel more attracted. And also that attraction ebbs and flows, and sometimes for no apparent reason.
Ok that makes alot of sense. I appreciate your clarification so much, thank you Sheryl 🙂
Physical attraction to my partner ebbs and flows, but is renew through creating emotional intimacy. We are together 10 years. I didn’t miss him when I was away for 2 weeks because I was just relishing in time with family overseas. I look forward to seeing him every day when I come home from work. We have the healthiest relationship I know! Ebbs and flows and not housing any of the ebbs as evidence of something wrong.
Again, such a well-written blog post that resonates with me so much. Thank you, Sheryl! Love the part where you explain that you can fall in love at 1000th sight, 10,000th sight over-time, I felt that. I feel like I’m currently in a really good place in my relationship – I went through the dark night of the soul just 2 months into my now 2 year relationship where I was suffering with debilitating ROCD. Thanks to your work, some therapy and excellent blog posts like these, I can now see the light. Differences used to be a huge trigger for me too (and still can at times if I try “think” too much or fall into the rumination compulsion) and the obsession of difference caused a spike at the end of last year. However, I’ve learned that differences are what make us human, as long as it’s met with respect, compassion and an element of open-ness. Almost like not viewing everything through a black-and-white lense (which is exactly what OCD/ROCD tends to be, haha!). Not looking at everything through fear eyes has been a game changer, I can see what’s been in front of me all along. For anyone reading this, you’ve got this 🙂
Thank you for this beautiful, wise, and supportive comment, Rachel. I’m so glad you’re in a great place!
Hi Rachel. I also went through a dark night of the soul just 2 months into my relationship. It lasted a month or so but my partner (now husband) was so consistent and open hearted, he – and Sheryl’s work – helped me through.
This is so beautiful Sheryl, you helped me see my hubby with clear eyes and to put down my defenses 10 years ago and our relationship has grown stronger and more real since then. Thank you, you’re a Goddess
Thank you, beautiful Georgina. ❤️❤️❤️