Everest is home for the summer (hooray!). We’ve been having very interesting conversations about life, love, fear, and death. One morning, on our way back from a hike, he was talking about his career path and his hopes to become a Naval aviator, and I said, “I wish you had a different path. This is so risky.” To which he responded, “But I’m fully alive when I’m flying and in the Navy. I’d rather live 40 years fully alive than 80 years half-dead. I don’t plan to die early, but I’d rather live my life fully even if it means I die.”
He stopped me in my tracks, as he often does.
He continued: “That’s how most Naval aviators talk about flying and death: they love what they’re doing so much that they’re willing to risk death rather than live a life half-lived. And it’s partially the increased risk of death that makes them feel fully alive.”
I can’t argue with that.
Words from a Wise Elder
His words reminded me of Brother David Steindl-Rast, the Benedictine monk most known for his gorgeous work on gratitude. One of this things I’ve often heard him say is that in order to live fully we must “have death at all times before your eyes.” He also says:
“You can only live fully–that means come alive fully–if you are willing to die. I mean that very completely, right now. Abraham Maslow the psychiatrist said he had found in his practice that most people were afraid of death and of dying but there was one thing that even more people were afraid of, and that is living. And, we are afraid of living because if you are really alive it means letting go and meeting the unknown, meeting surprise, and that is a little death. In other words, unless you die to this present moment, you won’t be alive to the next moment, and so you have to let go, and let go, and that is one of the main things–maybe the main thing–that we have to learn in order to come fully alive.”
Bringing Death Forefront in Love
What does this have to do with relationships?
Everyone encounters fear differently in this world. We’re not all facing the increased risk of physical death like a Naval aviator, but for those of us on the sensitive spectrum, we’re aware of the element of risk in every day life, especially when it comes to love.
At the core of relationship anxiety lives the fear of loss. All of the mind’s shenanigans are convoluted attempts to protect us from the risk of loving and needing someone deeply. If we believe the mind’s tactics that the relationship is wrong, we will run, thereby circumventing the risk of loving.
Again, the risk of loss isn’t only the risk of death. When we love someone deeply over time we render ourselves vulnerable to the risk of being hurt, of hurting them, of feeling lonely and disappointed, of disappointing our beloved.
Love comes with all sorts of risk; it’s the nature of the game. So the smart mind enters to protect the vulnerable heart. The mind means well, but if we listen to the protective lies – “my partner isn’t _______ enough or my relationship is wrong in some way” – we will cut ourselves off from the joy and fulfillment that arise from loving.
The fear of death is at the core of most anxiety themes. We can run from it, or we can face it. When we run, our world shrinks. When we learn how to face it with courage and tools, our world – and our hearts – expands.
One Day to Live
A couple of years ago, Asher, our younger son, read a book called, They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. Depressing title, I know :). He enjoyed it and thought I would, too, so he suggested I read it.
The essence of the book is that the main character learns that he only has a limited time to live. He has spent his life imprisoned by fear, hiding his true self, and in the face of death he finds the courage to leave his comfort zone and live his life fully. As he says, “I’ve spent years living safely to secure a longer life, and look where that’s gotten me. I’m at the finish line but I never ran the race.” And then: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that’s all.” (echoing Everest’s words above)
What if you knew that you only had one day left to love your partner? What if you only had one month? How would that change how you relate to those moments when fear tells you that they’re not enough or too much, that you’re not attracted or not in love? Keeping this mindset forefront isn’t likely to eliminate fear, but it might help you relate to it differently so that it doesn’t continue to exert so much power.
And if relationship anxiety tells you that you would feel relieved if your partner died, well, I’ve got your number :). Of course relationship anxiety will tell you that you would be liberated from the risk of living; it’s entire job is to convince that you’re partner is “wrong” for you and that you should leave. Try not to fall into a shame spiral if that’s your response to the question, “How would you feel if you only had a limited amount of time left with your partner?” Name it as fear, and try to soften into your truth beneath the fear.
When Fear Stops You From Loving
The work, then, is to learn how not to let fear prevent you from living, which, for those of you reading this, means fully loving your partner.
Every time you notice fear, you can say, “Oh, hello, fear-part who is trying to protect me from getting hurt or losing myself,” and imagine yourself softening around it.
You can also say to yourself in those moments when fear constricts your heart and convinces you to withdraw from your partner: “God/Higher Self/Nature/Ocean – please be with me in this tight, hard moment.”
When we name the fear and turn to a prayer or mantra to help us, we slowly start to rewire from tightness to softness. This is how we loosen the constriction of fear and widen the channels where love can flow.
And, you can remind yourself that our time on this earth is limited. If you have been blessed enough to find someone with whom you can learn about love who feels like home, you are blessed, indeed. Sometimes this connection to gratitude is enough to knock fear out of the driver’s seat so we can get on with the vital tasks – perhaps the most important one of all – of living and loving to the fullest.
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If you would like to receive a roadmap for daily Love Laws and Loving Actions that help you rewire from fear to love and constriction to opening, see my course: Open Your Heart: A 30-day course to feel more love and attraction for your partner. I won’t be running this course live any time soon, but the self-paced version is always available.
Beautiful, thank you Sheryl. I needed this today. 3 small kiddos, lack of sleep, etc. etc. has had me spiraling a bit lately with the relationship anxiety.
❤️❤️❤️
Beautifully said as always, Sheryl. I had a realization after my mom died in December that my time with your partner *is* limited. Eventually, most likely one of us will die first and leave the other behind. It’s morbid and a hard, hard truth, but the perspective allowed me to see how truly lucky I am to love him in this lifetime — and I’ve softened to a lot of his quirks 🙂 I hope that’s a long time from now, but losing my mom at a relatively young age (and a young coworker shortly after that) has brought death/life to the forefront recently.
I’m so sorry for your losses, Kristen. It is such hard yet common experience that perspective often follows loss. I wish it wasn’t this way, but I’m glad that you’ve come to a softer place and are holding death/life forefront.
Beautiful blog! X
Thank you, Katie!
Very very good Sheryl. Thank you.
Thank you, Pierce.
This is really good sheryl. Just saw this in my emails today. I would like to practice this sort of gratitude towards my relationship and towards my daughter. A lot of the time all I can think about is the lack of attraction that’s been there since the start along with the lack of in love feelings. Sometimes I feel attracted, sometimes I feel love. But it’s been very dismotivating for the most part not being able to feel the way I’d like to towards my wife. But I still keep choosing her because she loves me, and because she’s worth it, she’s my home despite the anxiety. And theres no other girl like her. As for my daughter. ROCD hit with her recently. Not really feeling much love towards her or her cuteness giving me those feel good feelings inside. The responsibilities of being a parent have made me just not want to be a parent anymore. I feel so muchcguilt and shame for being with my partner and feeling like they aren’t attractive enough for me, good enough and feeling like I dont want them. There are days where I remind myself how lucky I am to even be a parent as there so much that experience misscarriages. Sometimes just feeling her love and seeing her little smile and cute little eyes is emough for me to choose to love her. That helps a bit and opens my heart, but then I go back to the place of indifference. It’s hard for me to act on love if there’s no external making me feel like it.
I guess what I’d like to ask sheryl is I feel like when I adopt this sense of gratitude towards my relationship, wife, daughter, and my job. I feel like I’m forcing it or it’s inauthentic since everything inside me is screaming “I don’t want this!”
Could this be my anxiety and fear? Or my truth? Is there still hope for me, my relationship and my family?
I also have been struggling with giving love because I can’t figure out if it’s coming from a place of fear or anxiety or from a place of love. So I withhold because I can’t find the answer and feel terrible withholding love from my partner.
Sometimes I feel like I’m calm, but yet still feel this way. Which makes me extremely discouraged. Like my only option is to leave my wife and daughter and find someone else that will make me feel more in love and that’s more attractive(although I know this is not true, it feels like it is.)
I’d just really like some advice and insight from you sheryl. Thank you.
You’re describing textbook relationship anxiety, Manny. I encourage you to read through as many of my posts as you can and also consider the course, which will answer all of your questions in depth:
https://conscious-transitions.com/break-free-from-relationship-anxiety-e-course/
Thank you, sheryl. Yes I have been surviving and so has my relationship because of your posts! Ive been trying to incorporate your wisdom and teachings into my relationship/life. I will consider the course as well sheryl! I appreciate your help and time
A fascinating and wonderful post, thank you!
I’m interested in how this might relate to health anxiety or nuclear war anxiety, which convinces us that we are going to die imminently, yet the feeling is not one of love, but of panic and paralysis. Seems to go against some of what you say. I say ‘seems’, as I’m sure there are deeper elements unseen under the surface!
Can you say a bit more, Joshua? I’m not sure I’m understanding your question.
Hmm, I’m not expressing myself very well. I suppose what I’m trying to say is this. In your piece you equate awareness or imagining of one’s impending death as leading to heightened feelings of love. What I’m saying is that, if I think I’m going to die (because I have health anxiety, say), all I feel is anxious and paralysed, and there is no room for love. I’m not sure if this makes sense.
There’s a difference between attaching to the anxious thought “I’m going to die” and holding death close. It’s a subtle difference, but the former is infused with fear and the latter is infused with a kind of objective existential truth, in that we know that eventually we’re all going to die. So when we hold death forefront in this existential spiritual way, it can somewhat paradoxically reduce the fear of death, which ultimately leads to a love of life. But if we are fused with the fear-based and false belief caused by a health anxiety spike, which convinces you that you are definitely going to die from this or that symptom, then we become paralyzed by fear. Does that make sense?
That, that does make sense. Thank you.
Wonderful post, Sheryl! I wonder if you would consider a post on the book All Fours by Miranda July. I know you don’t usually comment on specific pieces, but this book seems to be ubiquitous among women I know in their late 30s/40s in monogamous relationships. It definitely spiked my relationship anxiety in a way nothing else has in years. Your take would be so insightful and helpful. Thanks for considering it!
What’s the main point of the book?
The main character is a 45yo woman who is bored in her marriage, sex is too routine, she feels trapped in it. So she goes on a road trip and ends up emotionally/physically having relationships with a few different people. The epiphany she has is that she wants to stay partnered with her husband, for the sake of parenting their child, but in an open marriage where they both have other sexual partners. There’s quite a bit of judgement/criticism about marriages that have become routine/boring, and that it’s better to “break out” of them to truly live your life. I’ve heard the book described as a “coming of age” story for menopausal women. As you can see, lots of potential triggers. 🙂
I font Know How i Came across your blog but my partner and I have had a great 6 years , yes with ups and downs. We both had our moments where we quickly said let’s breakup but never did and always rekindled. I always felt he was the perfect partner for me , we have grown soooo much together . We’ve expanded our mindset so much, up
Until recently he left to a meditation retreat and said he felt fear about staying in the relationship where he believes it’s a cycle that he has to break. He said it’s 80% good and 20% bas but doesn’t want to continue in this and thinks it’s should’ve been done a while ago. This was because of intense emotions he told me he felt from the meditation retreat he said he had to get over the fear of losing me so he could grow. But I’m all honestly I was shocked because I felt it to be a cowardly move. He then came and justified that sometimes he felt like I was truly the one wnd sometimes we didn’t fit . I’m so confused by his behavior that I surely don’t wanna deal with it but after reading this it makes sense. Could it be that he took the fear he felt and misconstrued it to go the other way?
This stunned me and brought me to tears. Thank you so much for speaking to my soul and reminding me that I’m not alone, and everything is going to be ok.
I’m so glad it was helpful, Andrea, and that it brought you to one of the core messages of my work: you’re not alone and it’s going to be okay. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
So much to the point for me right now. But still very hard to distinguish between relationship anxiety+fear and truly unnegotiable differences (sorry for my English). 💔