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If you knew you were fully loved, if you knew that you were whole and worthy exactly as you are just for being intrinsically you, your anxiety would disappear.
If you could plug into a source of spiritual truth that allowed you to have direct access to the circuitry of love that continually and eternally darts around you, the one truly inexhaustible and sustainable energy source, your intrusive thoughts would disintegrate in the full waters of your inner well.
If, with one full-cycle breath of inhale and exhale, with one open-hearted plea to connect to the glory of the love that shimmers in each cell of every living creature on this planet, if you could allow the life force to enter through the soles of your feet as you walked barefoot in the dew-laden grass, each blade a haven of delight for the invisibles that dance on the edges, the joy shimmying up your calves and thighs and filling you with the beauty that awaits your invitation, your depression would sink like a puddle of ink into the belly of the earth and churn there in those wild fires to alchemize into another source.
If, every time fear gripped you in its choke-hold, circling around your chest and throat in its paralyzing vice, you opened your lips and prayed for help, even if no sound was released, even if your round-mouth scream was as silent as the painting but contained the desperate prayer of one who is tired of living in fear’s grip, the prayer would open the channels that carry love into your sacred places and it would overpower the fear.
Love is stronger than fear. Love is all there is. We long for the connection, the soul-to-soul, eyes and heart wide open, naked and vulnerable connection that says, “I see you. Do you see me?” This can happen with a friend, a tree, a rock, a sister, a cousin, a lover, a child, an animal. And yet, because we’ve been hurt, because we’re human and we remember the separation that occurred when the umbilical cord was cut, because we come from oneness and long to return there and yet remember the exquisite pain of our separateness and the unavoidable knowledge that everyone and everything we love on this painful glorious planet will die, we construct walls around our hearts to avoid the pain.
We open to the beauty but we can’t quite get close enough and we know the beauty will end; this field of white crystals and untouched snow swaths creating a vision of perfection that reminds us of another realm will melt. We lie down in it and paint it and attempt to transpose the beauty into words but we can never get quite close enough; the longing to reunite with our stolen places, to return home, is always there, and the only way through is to open to the pain that lives inside the beauty, the pain that death exists, that time passes, that we all change and grow and die and are reborn. Yes, we are reborn. We walk through the rivers of darkness to find ourselves on banks of light.
I don’t know how I know but I know. I know this is true. I know that if you knew you were fully loved – which you are – the anxiety would melt into the pool of your own loving. If you could allow the lies of not-enough to tumble down the mountainsides and splinter against the wide bold boulders of truth, the depression would wither. If you could melt into the sunflower of your heart and allow the bottled up pain to find release in the embrace of your own loving arms, the lifetime of pent-up tears tumbling from gut to throat to mouth and rolling out the irises of your eyes then down your cheeks like mercurial rain, the lies of intrusive thoughts that imprison you in your head and create a wedge between you and those you love would fly away.
You can know this. Somewhere inside, you already know this. You can choose to open to the truth of love that surrounds you like thousands of angels waiting to be invited inside. You can allow to live in the lies or embrace the truth. It will be painful at first for when you’ve lived a lifetime with a cast around your heart, to live without it feels scary. We cling to what’s comfortable and familiar, even when what’s comfortable and familiar is making us miserable. Who are you without that cast? Are you ready to find out? Perhaps today is the day. Perhaps this is the year. Perhaps the time is now to let yourself know through word and action that you are loved.
Absolutely stunningly beautiful!!! Thank you, thank you for all you share…
I was moved to tears by your words…. crying is the only time I allow myself to feel the purity of my heart. And so, I thank you from the bottom of my soul. I will continue to read your work and will forward it on to friends and family in need of comfort. Much love, Zoe
“If you could allow the lies of not-enough to tumble down the mountainsides and splinter against the wide bold boulders of truth, the depression would wither.” Love that imagery. Beautiful post, Sheryl.
Thank you, Sheryl! This is beautiful, and my heart needed to hear this today!
This is absolutely beautiful. I needed this today. Thank you for everything that you do.
Thank you, Sheryl for such beautiful words and a message of clarity.
This is so beautiful and a wonderful read on this Monday morning. Thank you!
What a wonderful message for the holiday….and every day thereafter. Thank you for the gift of reminding us every day this year that we are whole, worthy, loveable, perfect-as-we-are, and, therefore, capable of loving (another, ourselves, a creature, or whatever) fully. Happy holidays everyone!
Beautiful! Thank you
Thank you for this Sheryl! In my heart of hearts, I know this to be true as well. I believe that we can heal ourselves and our fear through love, although it’s much harder to do in practice. But I think that with continuous perseverance it cannot fail! Thank you again for the comfort and reassurance!! Happy holidays! ๐
Thank you all for your thank yous : ). Every single one of them is received with joy.
just truly amazing encouragement..thank you
Dear Sheryl, what a way to finish this year with such a beautiful blog.. I truly hear you..
I just got married to my amazing husband on Sat 21 Dec only last week.. It was the most beautiful day of my life. I did feel the anxiety but not as bad as it was in the beginning of our relationship. It was manageable and when my closest friend arrived I felt better. I have to mention I had period pain which I didn’t let it effect my special day. I’m longing for the day when I’m anxiety free. That would be an amazing Christmas gift to us all. I’m not religious but I do believe in angels
And your one of my Angels Sheryl:) x
Happy Christmas & a Happy, safe New Year
Wow what a stunningly, beautiful piece of writing! Thanks sheryl
Thanks for your kind words. I’m just realizing the pain of emotional abandonment that I’ve kept hidden away as a child.. and it’s time for change.
Wow.. I love this ๐ thanks so much
I live in the beautiful Colorado Rockies and I am an ultra distance runner. Your imagery is spot on. The tears come when I train hard but they do really honestly melt into the snow churning beneath my feet or perhaps drop down the cliffs to smash on the ‘boulders of truth’. Chanting my positive chants for hours on end to the drum of my own feet works miracles for retraining my subconscious of the Truth – we are loved, we are whole, we are pure joy, our gods within are connected to our god without. This is the Truth and like you, I don’t know how I know it but I know this is the only Truth. From this Truth lies heaven and eternity in our hearts. But I find it hard, in my daily grind, to keep connected to this powerful imagery and inner belief. That is my struggle- to remain connected and loved and to love all others yet to also exist in this material fast-paced world. Thank you, thank you.
Thank YOU, Kelly, for this incredibly beautiful comment. I couldn’t agree with this more: “But I find it hard, in my daily grind, to keep connected to this powerful imagery and inner belief. That is my struggle- to remain connected and loved and to love all others yet to also exist in this material fast-paced world.” I think it’s hard for all of us.
Thank you so very much, Sheryl. Absolutely beautiful. I, like Kelly, “…find it hard, in my daily grind…”, not just hard but excruciating. Your words are pure poetry.
Yes, Christie, I think we all do, especially when we have young kids. Thank you for your kind words : ).
Hello everyone,
I just recently got engaged on December 24th and I am very happy about the upcoming plans and all of the excitement but as expected I’m also experiencing anxiety. I do not have a problem falling asleep at night but I continue to wake up at the same time every night and have difficulty falling back asleep. Any advice on this problem? Can anyone relate? Thanks
Val
Dear Sheryl,
First, I would like to wish you Happy Holidays and to thank you for your weekly posts that are always a light at the end of my anxiety tunnel. I’ve been having a problem lately which I was hoping you, or one of your readers could help me with. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend since I was 15 years old, I’m now 22. (Yep 7 years.) and i honestly don’t know what I’m feeling, there is no desire to have intercourse and not even a sense of “lovey dovey” emotions from my side. Although he is a wonderful man, and he keeps trying his best to be the best version of himself for me. But i can’t shake off the feeling that maybe something better is waiting for me and I don’t want to commit to this just yet sometimes I feel smothered like I can’t breathe.
Is this the case of doubt means don’t? what if he is simply my bestfriend but not my lover? I mean i’m so young to be feeling as though I have to work so hard on my relationship and we’re not even married yet!!!
Please help:(
Hi Tam,
I’m not sure I can help anymore by just sharing that even reading your own post brought me relief of not feeling alone (just like this whole site does). I started dating my boyfriend at 16 and we’ve been together over 8 years and I am feeling or have felt everything you described. Two things stand out: the feeling of maybe there’s something better and I don’t want to commit just yet and being so young and having to work so hard while not being married. Ive had a lot of doubt. Through this site (and just starting the e-course) I’m actually beginning to see and accept that I am a highly sensitive person. It makes so much sense. For my case I think its also working deeper through a lot of fears. I don’t have many answers yet but Sheryl and her work is speaking to some part of me I feel like I’m missing or need to fill! And I agree and can learn from Katie’s comment below. Like I’ve seen and heard its not easy to work through it, its hard, but so is the pain of the doubt, sadness, loneliness anxiety and fear (I am speaking for myself here). Maybe for both of us, it’s hanging on through the confusion and working on ourselves. It’s hard to feel it sometimes, ive been there, but I believe there has to be a serenity out there for me (and all of us)! I’ve felt little bits sometimes and hang on to when others share their own serenity!
Val,
I can completely relate to the difficulty with sleeping. For me it is one of the first signs that I’m feeling anxious! If it makes you feel any better, when I first got engaged I couldn’t sleep at all! And I kept having dreams about wedding decorations and obsessing over the littlest wedding related things! So I definitely can relate. What has helped me is trying to not ruminate on my sleeping (if that makes any sense.) For instance, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I’ll just think, well, this sucks. But I’ll just lay here and relax, nothing to worry about. Or I’ll even read a book or something to just get into a better frame of mind.
And Tam, it’s ok to be scared about moving forward in your relationship. I too experience those exact thoughts and then feel deeply sad and panicky because I keep thinking, “why am I feeling this way?? Surely something just isn’t right.” I actually broke off my engagement a few months ago, because the anxiety was so strong (we are back on now, but taking things slow). But then I realized that the problem was really myself. Nothing had changed between us, except the fact that we got engaged. So just know that you’re not alone- relationships are very scary at times, and it’s ok to be confused and not know what the hell you’re doing. Honestly, if you are a sensitive and introspective person, you will probably always experience anxiety to some degree. But hopefully, with Sheryl’s positive approach to relationships and life, we can find a way to channel our anxiety into the greater good of ourselves and find happiness ๐
Also Val, if it helps, I actually spoke to a counselor about the whole sleeping thing, and it isn’t going to hurt you if you can’t sleep well for awhile. You’ll just be tired (and cranky, if you’re like me)! lol. but nothing bad is gonna happen to you! ๐
I have been with my fiancee now for 5 years, most of which time we have lived together. we bought a house 3 years ago, got dogs and got engaged last valentines day. i did not feel anxiety at any of these commitments until last september when it came to paying deposits for our wedding venue, band, cars etc. It was then that it started and I can honestly say I don’t really know when it will stop. I actually told my fiancee about it in November and said i wasn’t sure about ‘us’ because i’m having anxious feelings about everything. We actually took a break for two weeks…he stayed at a friends house and I stayed home with our dogs. it was a horrible two weeks and I missed him terribly. He moved back in and I thought i was getting better. He went home for a family occasion for 3 weeks..I missed him so much and couldnt wait for him to return. Now he has been back two days and I am feeling the anxiety again and do not know how to pull myself out of it. I just want to draw a line under it and move on but don’t know how to ๐
Absolutely beautiful. I felt this all so deeply. Thank you.