Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course

Do you struggle with doubt and anxiety that you’re not with the “right” partner – that you’re “settling” and there’s someone “better” for you out there?

Do you worry that you don’t love your partner enough, that you’re not “in love”, or that something is “missing”?

BreakFreeLogo-300x200If so, you’re in the right place. Thousands of people have taken my course and broken free from their relationship anxiety. The same is possible for you. 

If you’re suffering from relationship anxiety (take the assessment tool below to find out for sure), whether single, dating, dating after divorce, engaged, or married, this is the best course of action you can take.

Based on nearly two decades of my work with clients and course members, this comprehensive course includes fourteen downloadable lessons of exclusive videos, MP3 interviews, articles, checklists, charts, and exercises that will help you transform your relationship anxiety into clarity and love.

 

“Sheryl’s work was indispensable in helping me soothe and address my fears and anxieties. Without her guidance, wisdom and assurances, my overwhelm may have clouded what turned out to be one of the calmest and most incredible days of my life.”

Alanis Morissette

 

Watch and read more below…

 

Do you think you have an extreme case of relationship anxiety?

Do you feel alone with your experience, like no one understands?

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You are far from alone and I assure you that you’re not an extreme case. But you don’t have to take my word for it. When you purchase the E-Course, you gain access to ten exclusive, one-hour MP3 interviews with women and men all around the world who have thought and felt everything you're feeling and thinking. You will also gain access to a private, moderated, extremely active forum, where you can connect with women and men who are struggling with your EXACT issues, and you’ll be privy to the wisdom of those who made it through and are offering their advice to those in the eye of the anxiety storm (as of September 2015 there are over 75,000 posts on the forum. You are NOT alone!).

jessie-testimonial“The e-course was a gift and an answer to a prayer. I felt so lost when all this started, but after working through the course and interacting on the forum I feel like there is actually a purpose in all this. I feel this sense of peace now. I might still get little blips of anxiety and I can only assume that there will continue to be ups and downs on this journey, but what I have learned is that it's not my partner. It's not anyone else. It's an internal struggle, an inner part of myself that needs attention.

"I would encourage every person struggling with relationship anxiety to work through the e-course. I feel like it was such an eye-opening experience that everyone and anyone can benefit from. I learned so much about myself and I can truly say that I learned how to really fall in love with my partner. Not a "fireworks and butterflies" type of love, but a real, safe, healthy love. I didn't even know what real love was until I started on this journey; I had a very skewed belief in a fairy tale. I didn't even realize that until the anxiety hit me and I found Sheryl's work. I am 100% certain that anyone who is experiencing anxiety about their relationship will benefit from Sheryl's work. It has definitely changed my life and, if you are ready and willing, it can change your life for the better, too!"

- Jessie, Phoenix, AZ

Many people wonder what "relationship anxiety" is and if they are, indeed, suffering from it. They also desperately want an answer to the million-dollar question:

Is my doubt about my relationship an offshoot of my own anxiety or is it a warning that I’m with the wrong person?

To answer this question I've created a FREE assessment tool that will help you identify what you're going through and help you determine whether or not this the course would be beneficial for you. Fill in your information below to receive an immediate answer (and a lot of reassurance just from completing the assessment):

anna-minzel“When I was going through all my anxiety, I couldn't sleep or eat, and I would just search the internet for answers all night long. When I finally found your site, I was in tears after seeing other people were going through this and I was not alone. That message board was my lifeline for months.

I truly can't thank you enough for making me work through all the thoughts that were going through my head. I really married such a wonderful person :). We are expecting our first child in July, so new adventure here we come!"

- Anna Minzel, Seattle, WA

One of the ways we heal is through stories, and learning that we're not alone. Along these lines, when you sign up for the course you will receive ten MP3 interviews with women and who were in the depths of relationship anxiety, suffering from the range of doubt from day one to a two-year honeymoon that ended overnight.  In other words, some never experienced infatuation and lived with years of doubt before they found their way to my work; others were blissfully happy for months or even years until the anxiety and panic blew apart their world overnight. They come from all parts of the world, and are in all configurations of relationships, for relationship anxiety is the great equalizer and crosses all boundaries. It can effect you no matter how old you are, where you live, your religious background, or your sexual orientation. These courageous women and men share their struggle in detail and let you know that you’re not alone, crazy, or an extreme case.

Sara"You must receive hundreds of emails a day, so I'm sorry for filling your inbox, but I felt moved to send you a personal thank-you. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that you and your e-course have been a gift from heaven for me. 

"It has only been a week and a half since I found your course online and poured through everything, but honestly my thoughts and perspectives prior to going through the course seem decades in the past. I'm going back through the course again to do some of the exercises which, of course, are making me rehash the thoughts that brought me here in the first place, but I'm actually having trouble connecting with those thoughts now. They don't even make sense to me today.

"From listening to other stories, I'm sure it's just wishful thinking to imagine that I'm out of it now, so I know to prepare mentally for the thoughts and anxiety to come back, but I will be ready for it and until then I will remain hopeful that I'm out of the darkness.

"This last weekend with my boyfriend was nothing short of magical. This is the man I've been with for close to five years, but it was as if I was seeing him with new eyes. His jokes seemed funnier, his face seemed more handsome. It's like the anxiety has been a cloud blocking my ability to love him and I'm just now learning how to truly appreciate our connection. How to be content and happy with what is right in front of me.

"And as an added bonus of no anxiety for the last week and a half, I've slept like a baby every night. It feels so good to be well rested. From the bottom of my heart: thank you, Sheryl!"

- Sara, Denver, CO 

Sara's full, one-hour interview can be found in the e-course. 

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What you will receive:

  • 14 lessons divided into four sections
  • 24 exclusive videos that teach the key principles and practices to help you break free from relationship anxiety.
  • 10 exclusive, one-hour podcasts with women and men from all over the worldwide who tell their honest stories of how they broke free from relationship anxiety and found their way through.
  • Hundreds of pages of articles to elucidate the various components of this work.
  • Specific and essential exercises to help you heal from anxiety and find your clarity.
  • Access to a private, moderated, extremely active forum where you will have an opportunity to interact with members worldwide who are struggling or have struggled with every aspect of relationship anxiety. As of October 2015, there are 75,000 posts. You are not alone!
  • 6 MP3 visualizations and poetry to guide you through the process of healing.

Sarah Love Headshot4 (1)"Engaging is Sheryl's work has changed my life in ways I didn't imagine possible. What's been the best 'result' is that I feel more me, and my relationship feels more real. I'm less caught up in the mainstream culture of 'do more, be more have more', and my life and relationship are a reflection of the hard work I've done and the guidance Sheryl has provided. For so long I thought I was an exception, that my anxiety was different than the others going through the work.                                                                                             

"What I learned is that I'm not different. I've learned so much about myself, about my relationship, that I wouldn't trade my experience for anything. The work is about coming into contact with all that lives inside you, learning to embrace all the parts of yourself lovingly so you can share that love with others. If you're in a loving relationship with someone you generally enjoy and with whom you share generally similar values, yet are plagued by anxiety please consider her courses. Having a real love relationship, one in which there are ebbs and flows, hardship and ease, is so much better than bouncing around waiting for the perfect someone to make your every waking moment a joyful one. Won't happen. It's so possible to work through this anxiety and to dip your toes in the waters of real love, and it's so worth the work to get there."                                                                         

- Sarah Love, Ann Arbor, MI. Sarah's full, one-hour interview is in the e-course, and she's a lead moderator on the e-course forum.

Frequently Asked Questions:

1.   What if it doesn’t work? What if I go through the E-Course and I’m still anxious?

The E-Course isn’t a magic pill that takes away your anxiety just by reading the material and watching the videos (I wish I had that magic pill!). You have to work through the exercises and give your fear time to work through. The E-Course will provide you with accurate information to replace your unrealistic expectations. It will provide you with tools and exercises for working with your anxiety, doubt, and intrusive thoughts. It will provide you with comfort from reading about and hearing other women’s and men's stories that are just like yours. But the real work has to come from you and your commitment to taking full responsibility for your well-being. And there are two elements that I can't include in the Course: time and patience. There are six factors in the equation that results in serenity:

accurate information + effective tools for managing anxiety + support + validation through other's stories and posts + time + patience = serenity

The E-Course offers the first four factors, but there's no way to package TIME and PATIENCE. However, I will say this: Every single person who has worked with me in some capacity (read my books, frequented the message board, worked through the e-course, and/or had counseling sessions) and has found the patience to give themselves enough time, has found their serenity. Across the board without exception. With the E-Course and time, you will find your serenity, too.

2.   What if I work through the E-Course and discover that I want to leave?

This is actually the number one reason why people don't sign up for the course: They're terrified that they will discover that their "truth" is that they want to leave. I will tell you this: Of the thousands of people who have gone through the e-course, not a single one has left their partner (unless there are true red-flag issues, which you will learn about in the course as well). What ends up happening is quite the opposite: When you work through your fear walls and see your partner with clear eyes, you are more available to love and be loved. When fear shrinks, love grows. It's quite a simple equation.

caitlin "This course was a true blessing. It helped me to open a new chapter in my journey, and the world I'm seeing is much more beautiful than I ever realized. I know the insights I started to gain through this process will serve me for a lifetime, and they have already started to influence my thinking and experiences about many areas of my life (job, other relationships, motherhood, etc). With the deepest appreciation, thank you, Sheryl, for helping me to see all of that!"

- Caitlin, Vermont

3.   What if I’m a guy?

The E-Course applies equally to men. When I started working in the field of psychology in 1999, my work centered around women and the wedding transition. Since then it has evolved to include anyone who suffers from relationship anxiety at any stage of relationship (from single through married). This, of course, includes men, like A.G. from North of England (whose full, extraodinary interview is included in the course):

Dan1“Two months before my wedding I started to fall apart with fear and anxiety. I remember coming to the decision that I didn't have any love for her.  'She's not the one', I thought. I couldn't believe what I'd done. How could I have been so stupid to let things get so out of hand so quickly? There was nothing else for it. Imminent though the wedding was, I couldn't go through with it.  I went home to break the news to her. I said that for some reason, I was having to let go of the best thing that had ever happened to me, but I didn't know why. As I spoke those words, I knew that to end it was not what I really wanted. Within half an hour, we'd patched things up to the extent that we were re-engaged but I knew that I had a lot of work to do.  I still felt as though I didn't love her, but I couldn't find any real reason why.

I spent a huge amount of time searching the internet for advice on cold feet and general wedding anxiety, none of which was helpful. 'Doubt means don't', they all yelled at me. Two weeks before the wedding I found the Conscious Transitions website. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Every account, every story, every emotion, they were all just like mind. I learned so much about myself. About how my perceptions and expectations of marriage had been shaped by the media in the form of romantic comedies and how if your stomach doesn't do somersaults every time they walk into a room, it means you don't love that person. I realised, although it seems obvious now, that if that's the way it is, then there isn't anyone who has been with the same person for more than two years who can claim to be in love. 

It's taken a long time, but I can say without any shadow of a doubt that I love my wife and I love being married. If you're reading this now after searching the internet for reassurance then, as cliche as it may sound, I know how you're feeling. Trust me. Do the work on this e-course and you'll be more than fine. You'll find your way to a kind of love that you didn't know existed. 

- A.G, North of England (his one-hour MP3 interview appears in the course)

4. My anxiety hit during my engagement. Will this course help?

The first version of this course was called the Conscious Weddings E-Course, and thousands of people have taken it and worked through their anxiety successfully. While this course still exists and is a wonderful resource for those in the wedding transition process, the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course addresses all of the material in the first course, plus so much more. Many people begin with the Conscious Weddings E-Course and then continue their work with this course.

“I met the man of my dreams after a few failed relationships and many heartaches. There was so many times I had to pinch myself as the guy who swept me off my feet seemed too good to be true. He is handsome, funny, smart, loyal, and genuine and every other amazing word you can think of.  I couldn’t believe it when after Chris proposed to me I fell into a pit of depression and serious anxiety. It was debilitating and for a few weeks I was an emotional mess; I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I cried and constantly felt sick. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling the way I felt when Chris was everything I wanted and more and I wanted to get married for a while. The only explanation I could come up with for my feelings were ‘maybe I’m feeling this way because he isn’t the right one’ or ‘maybe I don’t love him enough’ ‘maybe we aren’t meant to be’. These thoughts tormented me for quite some time and I tried to push them away. Sometimes when I ignored them I would feel better for a little while but then they would creep back to me and drop me in a pit of depression all over again.

"We set our wedding day for 28th April 2012 so I had 2 years to get my feelings in order. I decided to take action: I started seeing a therapist to deal with the actual physical anxiety and I started researching online. A few websites I found flared my anxiety up big time but then I found Sheryl Paul's work and the first blog I read I cried with relief. My feelings were felt by others all over the world, I wasn’t alone and also there wasn’t anything wrong with my feelings. I signed up for the e-course almost immediately and got straight on with the lessons. I read and read and read. I spoke to my fiancé about it and I showed him some of Sheryl’s videos so he could really understand how I was feeling (even though he was so supportive anyway despite being slightly confused at times), I frequented the forums and read as much as I could.  I come from a family and past of much anxiety and stress and it was time for me to break the cycle.

"Marriage so far has been amazing; I have made such a great decision with such an amazing person. I would encourage anyone who has visited this website looking for help to do this e-course and join our community. There is so much help here and so many people who feel exactly the same as what you feel. We don’t all have the exact same story or history and we don’t all have the exact same thoughts but we all searched for the same things which lead us to this website and I guarantee you that this is the place to be. Hang in there, be strong and don’t give up.”

Rosanne, Australia

5.   What if I’m already married?

Relationship anxiety can hit at any time, at any stage of relationship. You can be married for several years and suddenly find yourself questioning whether or not you're with the "right" partner. Or perhaps the doubt was quietly there all along and then bursts into flame seemingly out of the blue. Whatever the specifics of your story, the e-course will help you make sense of your experience and work through your anxiety so that you don't have to walk away from a loving, stable relationship.

"I found the E-Course after I had been married for several months. When my doubt hit, my first thoughts were, 'I don't love him enough. I can't believe I led him on for 7 years (we had been together since our first year of college), I'm a horrible person.' What I didn't realize is that those thoughts were completely normal. I believed the thoughts because I had the thoughts so they must be the truth. This was NOT the case at all but I couldn't see it at the time. I was normally such a happy, loving person.         

"What in the world was going on? I was now the girl that wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, didn't want to be around anyone or anything. I couldn't get out of bed, I sobbed many, many times a day. Where did this amazing person go? What was happening to my relationship? Was I going to run and break my husband's heart? I went into a deep, dark depression. I had never been depressed before in my life. Now, I was at the doctor getting medicine for anxiety. I was completely different from everyone else, this is horrible. This had to be wrong, this had to be a bad choice. Right?

"After I spoke with Sheryl and all of the people on the message board. I realized that this wasn't wrong. My reaction was completely normal. I used many tools that were provided for me through the e-course. I have now been married over a year and I get anxiety very rarely."

                               ∼ Janelle, 27, Pennsylvania (now married with two children)

6. What if I'm young? Everyone says I'm too young to commit to one person, so isn't this an anxiety a sign that I'm supposed to leave?

The culture says that you should "play the field" and that if you met in your teens or early 20s, you're too young to settle down. I hold a different view, as do hundreds of people who have gone through my course and decided to commit or have already committed to their loving partner. Furthermore, if you've stumbled upon this work early in your life, you will learn skills and embark on a healing process that will serve you for the rest of your life. You're one of the lucky ones, like Kiyomi shares below:

Kiyomi“I had been dating my partner for six years - since we were 17 and 15 years old - when I was struck with endless bouts of relationship anxiety that left me feeling numb and paralyzed. 

"It was a miracle at that time that I stumbled upon Sheryl's work. I had felt hopeless and lost and her experience on relationship anxiety had left me without hesitation about purchasing her course. It was a deeper pull, a soft whisper that emphasized my need to learn about her work. Indeed, I was right. I can confidently say that her course, presence, and undeniable knowledge turned me from an obsessive and anxious partner into a grounded, anxious-free partner.

"This is a chance for you to become whole and free. It is a chance for you to peel off old stories, beliefs, and wounds that have been imprisoning you. It is a chance for you to finally give yourself to the love and freedom you have been waiting for your whole life.

"It has been two years since I found this course and I can confidently say that it is worth everything. I have been anxious-free for two years now and, looking back, I can't belief how much I have transformed, healed, and evolved. I am blessed every day to be choosing this wonderful man whom I have learned to love so deeply. I can confidently say that because of Sheryl and this course, instead of filled with relationship anxiety, I am now thrilled to spend the rest of my life with this man.

- Kiyomi LaFleur, Boulder, CO (Kiyomi is a frequent contributor to the e-course forum, proving wisdom and support to others who are in the trenches of relationship anxiety.)

7.   I’m already in therapy. How is this different?

This course works beautifully in tandem with good therapy. However, as most therapists aren’t trained in the specifics of relationship anxiety, it's important to supplement your work in therapy with information and tools that can help you move through this niche area of anxiety. Many people send articles from my site to their therapists, which can supports the healing process tremendously. Sadly, I’ve heard countless stories of people’s therapists who respond to the doubt and fear with the dreaded, “Well, maybe that means you shouldn’t be with your partner.” If that's the case, find a new therapist.

8. What if I'm in a new relationship?
As KD's story shows below, and as several of the interviewees in the course share, relationship anxiety can hit at any time, including in the first few months, weeks, or even days of a relationship. The culture says, "If you have doubt from day one then you're in the wrong place," but my work reveals a vastly differently story.

KD“I recall the day the e-course came into my life. It was December 6, 2011, and my mental inertia matched the temperature outside: I was frozen. Paralyzed by debilitating anxiety, I feared what this anxiety meant for my new relationship and even more terrified of making a mistake. 'Did I love him?' 'Why did I not find him attractive?' 'Am I just with him because he treats me so well?' Perplexed by whether or not to call it quits with my boyfriend of only a few months, I broke down and wrote an email cry for help to Sheryl asking what to do. Although she couldn't make the decision for me despite my urging, she did suggest the e-course. I hesitated at first, as my partner and I had only been seeing each other for a few months, and I didn't even know if I wanted to be in a relationship with him. While I enjoyed spending time with him - he's smart, generous, thoughtful, and loves me unconditionally - I was still so unsure. Sheryl appealed, noting:

'The nicer the guy, the more fear it will activate. It sounds like you have a great guy on your hands and you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to address what's interfering with your ability to be fully present in the relationship. If not now, when?'

"The answer was now. I dived head first into the e-course and made a commitment to work through my anxiety without sacrificing my relationship. Each lesson touched on an anxiety pain point I was experiencing, from projection to real love to managing my anxiety in the moment. I found relief with each passing day. Interviews, message board wisdom, gratitude lists, and targeted exercises helped me to see that I was not alone in my thoughts; and not only that, but that I could be happy in my relationship. The forum allowed me to share my fears with like-minded men and women who were encountering similar experiences. In conjunction with a counselor, diet and exercise, prayer, and support of loving family and friends, the e-course kick-started positive changes that have reverberated in every aspect of my life. I cannot thank Sheryl enough for warming my cold feet on that December day and for guiding me along this incredible journey to wholeness."

- KD, New York (you can find her full story and many wisdom-filled posts from her on the e-course forum)

9. What are the fourteen lessons? 

The fourteen lessons are divided into three sections:

Section One: The Foundation

Where I will explain in detail the root causes of relationship anxiety, discuss the anxious-sensitive-creative personality type (why is this so hard for me?), explain dark night of the soul, delve into the essential concept of projection, cover red-flag issues, resistance, and answer the million-dollar question (see assessment above).

Section Two: Break Free From Anxiety

Where I will teach you the essential tools and information that will help you break free from your anxiety. This section includes in-depth videos on topics that are exclusive to this course, like sexuality and the ex.

Section Three: Intrusive Thoughts

An in-depth course unto itself that will teach you how to heal from intrusive thoughts once and for all.

Section Four: The Stories

Where you will receive 10, one-hour podcasts with men and women all over the world in all configurations of relationship who share their struggle with relationship anxiety and how they broke free.

Bonus Lesson: Lesson 1 of the Conscious Weddings E-Course for anyone in the wedding transition (engaged or newlywed)

ashleyb “Before I found the E-Course, I was very lost and very scared. I have described it as feeling like I was in a very dark, deep forest without a flashlight. Once I embarked on the course, I realized I actually had a flashlight, I just had to learn how to turn it on. With a lot of practice, I learned how to take care of my feelings centered around my fears. The moment when I knew something was working came around the time when I had built up enough courage from working through the lessons, journaling, and the support of the forum when I knew that this had nothing to do with my partner but was fear trying to protect me from getting hurt by love.”

Ashley B.

Ashley has her Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology and is a lead moderator of the e-course forum.

10. Do you talk about OCD, ROCD, and HOCD?

Yes. In fact, the entire course addresses what the mainstream culture refers to as ROCD. While I'm not a big fan of diagnoses as they imply that there's something "disordered" about you, my work addresses the root causes of these very painful yet common experiences. Section Three of the course - Break Free From Intrusive Thoughts - addresses the most common thoughts associated with "OCD", including "What if I'm gay?" and "What if I don't love my partner?" Most modalities teach you to work with the thoughts on a surface layer. Working this way may offer short-term relief, but it doesn't address them at the thoughts at the core, which requires pulling them out by the roots. This is what the course will teach you.

11. Is it really worth the expense?

The real question to ask yourself is this: What is the cost of NOT getting the help and support you need? What will happen to you - and your relationship - if you don't address your anxiety thoroughly and effectively? But to answer the question directly, the course is the synthesis of thousands of hours of my work with clients and course members since 1999, and it offers more information, guidance, support, and tangible tools than I could offer in twenty therapy session (and a single session with me is more than the cost of this course).

12. Is the course religiously affiliated?

The course is not religiously affiliated. However, people of all faiths have taken the course and benefitted enormously from it. In other words, it's inclusive both of those of faith and those who don't follow any particular religious or spiritual path.

13. What if I've already taken your Conscious Weddings E-Course? How is this course different?

Break Free From Relationship Anxiety basically begins where the Conscious Weddings E-Course leaves off. While about 10% of the material between the two courses overlaps, the vast majority is new information and tools that will help you take your work to the next and deeper layer that will allow you to break free. There’s also an entire section on intrusive thoughts, 24 new videos, and ten new MP3 interviews. I will be offering a $50 discount to anyone who has taken my Conscious Weddings E-Course. Please contact my assistant, Kathryn, at kathryn@conscious-transitions.com to receive the coupon code.

14. Can I view the course on an iPad or iPhone? I don't have a computer.

Yes, the course is delivered digitally and is downloadable and viewable on all devices.

15. Is the course available in countries outside the United States?

Yes, as long as you can use Paypal you can purchase the course.

16. How long do I have access to the course?

You will receive lifetime access to all materials and the e-course forum.

17. I'm still uncertain. Do you offer any free consultations?

If you're uncertain about whether or not the E-Course is right for you, please fill out the assessment tool here first. If you're still unsure, you can contact me directly using the contact form at the bottom of this page and ask me any brief questions you have about the course. I also offer single coaching sessions, which you can learn more about by clicking here.

"Before I found this course I was unsure as to why I was questioning my relationship so much, and felt like I was trying to force it to work. I missed the earth-shattering feeling of being "in love", and I struggled with making decisions. When I found the course I had been with my boyfriend for seven years, and I was still uncertain and ambivalent.

"The e-course helped me to understand what real love is and begin to do the work to accept things as they are with all of the uncertainties. It also provided me with useful tools that I can use my entire life to manage my anxiety, which I have always suffered from. It taught me that thoughts are just that - thoughts - and that we can learn to choose how to respond to them.

"This is some of the hardest work you'll ever do, and also the most rewarding. If you are afraid or unsure about your relationship, I would encourage you to move forward with the course. You only have your clarity to gain."  

- Liz, Santiago, Chile.  Liz has now been married since 2013, and her brilliant post on working through the "Is my partner intellectual enough?" anxiety spike is included in the course.  She and her husband met in their early 20s.

Your peace of mind is worth it!

Two ways to pay:

Please note: All registration and course material will be sent to the email address associated with Paypal.

One-time payment: Pay $249 now and receive $51 off the full price of $300. Click below.

 Pay in two installments of $137 and receive $26 off the full price of $300. Click below.

Please note that there are no refunds. 

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If you have a question about the e-course, please submit it below in three brief sentences or less. Due to the volume of emails that Sheryl receives, she cannot read and respond to lengthy inquiries, but she's happy to answer a very specific question to help you determine if the course is right for you. If you write a long inquiry you will not receive a response. Before submitting your question, please be sure to read the Frequently Asked Questions section on this page to see if it's already been addressed.

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224 comments to Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course

  • Sandra

    Please can I get the newsletter

  • You can sign up on my home page, check the box below the comments section when you leave a comment, or sign up for any of my free offerings.

  • Carolyn

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’m having a hard time finding the quiz you mentioned in your email today — could you direct me to it? Thanks for everything!

  • Laura

    Hi Sheryl,

    I honestly can’t wait till this course becomes available. Do you have any information about when I can finally get it? I am located in the UK, but that shouldn’t be a problem since it is all online, right?

    I was in a very bad relationship a couple of years ago that completely ripped my heart out. The guy did some horrible things to me (cheating, lying, long-distance relationship). I was so madly in love with him that I would forgive him all the time and let him continue playing his games with me. Just a tiny bit of information on my backround 😉

    Three years ago I met my now boyfriend, who I have been living with for about 2 years. I love him so , so much but I have been scared for two years with those awful, intrusive thoughts: what if I don’t love him? what if I fall in love with someone else? My love for him has never been a big explosion and butterflies and all that – in fact when I initially met him I wasn’t even that interested. Over the months I was in contact with him I began to really love him and I have now the partner that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with. He has been like a piece of heaven for me, giving me what I have always needed the most: a way to find my own peace.

    However, during all this time i have been fighting intrusive thoughts. Just to give you an example, I am sure most of you go through similar things:

    What if I am just with him because he has been so good to me and because he is such a great guy (especially after the mental abuse and dependency I had on my ex)?
    With him I feel free and so independent, sometimes when he is not at home for a few days I genuinely enjoy myself (something I have never had before, I have always been terrified of being alone) does that mean I don’t really love him?
    My close friend broke up a few days ago with her partner of many, many years because she met another man and realised that he gives her something she didn’t have in the other relationship – What if I know that I am missing something deep down?
    Does the fact that I have been anxious for two years (on and off) show that I actually might not love him?

    As you can see, my list is endless. And that is just the relationship part – I have irrational, horrible anxieties about so many things, regarding my job, about death, my family, my sexuality, doing something awful or illegal one day and all that type of stuff. But I can live with all those, but the one that truly gets me down is the one with my boyfriend.
    I can all recommend you one thing – talk to your partners about it or if you don’t feel comfortable with that, talk to a CBT counsellor. I fight because I know that deep down I love him. That thought is completely gone though when fear takes over, so don’t worry when you don’t feel it right now. It will be there once your fear is not there. And to all of you who found yourself here – the fact that you are scared that you don’t love him/her probably shows how much you actually love him/her. Why would you be afraid if not because losing him/her would make you sad? Like my friend said – if you truly found out that you didn’t love him/her, you would have just left. You wouldn’t be afraid of it, you would actually be relieved. And I know I would because I have been with guys I didn’t love before and I KNOW it feels different, completely different than what I am feeling now. It is like the fear of meeting someone else: If you do, then this will be something that you WANT, and you will be happy with that decision, not afraid of it. It’s a bit difficult to describe this but I hope you understand what I mean!

    And now the final thought that I am sharing with you because it has helped me immensely: This comes from my mother, who I love so much, and who has been happily married for 34 years this week. She always said to me:

    1. Never compare yourself to other people and their relationships. You never know what happens behind closed doors. When my friend told me she broke up I couldn’t believe it, I always thought they were the perfect couple, they had so many hobbies in common, their sex life was apparently great, and they looked so happy together. All those things mean nothing. Their standards are not your standards. They are not you!

    2. What REALLY matters: (On this one also recommend Sheryls Blog “Am I just convincing myself that I love him”? Thank you so much for that, it has helped me realise so much about what REAL love is, Sheryl!)
    My mother is a very practical person. She always said: she knew my father would never be romantic. She knew he is not the rose-sending guy. He would never have “deep” conversations about god and the world. It was never the insane love explosion and euphoria. His family had to flee Germany during the war and go to Hungary, where they lived in a tiny mountain village. Not the most academic, romantic type of person as you can guess! But he could offer her so much that does not sound very fancy: a stable, uncomplicated, no-drama relationship. A dedicated man who would work to feed a family. It was just the down to earth, happy, NORMAL thing. The coming home and just enjoying the other person. A person she just simply likes spending time with(when fear is NOT on the drivers seat). Who makes her laugh. And don’t worry, with that she didn’t mean EVERY day. There will be days that are just bad. Days when you come home and you would rather be alone and watch TV. Days when his presence alone just annoys you. There will always be things you will rather talk to your friend, sibling or granny about, rather than your partner. It is normal.

    It is difficult to put this all together in a structured way – I am writing this down to help myself from the fear I have had in the last few days due to my friends break up, but also to help others.

    So to finish this off: don’t give up, keep fighting it 🙂 ! Don’t walk away from something because you will hope that your fear will go away. Fear is never a good decision maker. The fear of being alone made me stick with my abusive ex – see, not a good decision. once the fear of being alone faded away and I realised that being alone wasn’t going to kill me, I could let go of it and become happy.

    I wish you all my love and to you Sheryl, thank you for being such a wonderful, inspiring person.

    • Thank you for sharing this, Laura. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of great work on yourself. I plan to release the course this Monday, Oct 12. And yes it’s available worldwide as long as you have a Paypal account.

  • A

    Will you be offering this course again?

  • Rose

    Hi Sheryl,
    I was so happy that i found your website but wondered will it help my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We had a wonderful, loving and happy relationship. He is the person I want to be with forever, we have talked about marriage and made plans togehter. I am very close with his family and he is to mine and it was going perfectly. Then he left abroad and we embarked a long distance relationship, that is when my anxiety began, questioning everything, having doubts, I even got panicked when I felt attraction to someone else, but I felt a horrible guilt but did not act on anything not even talking to the guy. I know to this day that I want to be with my boyfriend he is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me but having these doubts and experiencing these thoughts has made me feel like something is wrong with me. I want things to be the way they were, I want to feel happy again and not feel this like this thinking constantly on whats it going to be like when he comes back in a couple of months. I would be so grateful if you could guide me and help me with one of your courses.

  • Lauren

    Hello Sheryl!

    By the looks of it, I’m going through what SO many others have gone through! Im currently on a working visa in Australia. Ive been pretty serious with my boyfriend. All of a sudden I’ve been feeling anxious, scared, and worried. Ive been overthinking ” do i really love him?” which is dumb because I know Ido, he’s the one for me! we’ve been talking about getting married very soon so I can apply for a spouse visa. We are christians so we can’t really live together first, so our only option is to get married for a visa. It think thats another reason why I’m overwhelmed and overthinking. I go through times where I’m ok, and other times where I’m an anxious worrying disaster! he knows about this, as i tell him everything, currently taking some medication for anxiety as well. Your site is really helping me calm down (as well as my mom and grandma and aunt, they’re saying this is normal!) I will most likely be purchasing this course, I just wanted to say thank you for this program and I cannot wait to start it!

    • Hi Lauren: Welcome to my site and, as you’ve probably already realized from reading through the assessment, you’re in the right place! The course will help you make sense of your relationship anxiety and so much more, whenever you’re ready ;).

      • Soph

        Hi sheryl,
        Have been suffering from anxiety severely Ffor 5 years. I’ve always doubted if I’ve loved my partner ever since I started getting jealousy issues about other girls, not feelig good enough etc. We broke up for a few months which I was devastated by (he began to resent me after all of my anxiety and accusations). He decided to give it another shot… it feels nice seeing him, I have the urge to kiss and cuddle him but I feel like i have a wall of stone between me and him… always questioning searching do I love him.

        Please help.

  • Gut or Anxiety?

    hi Sheryl,

    I recently found your web site while googling endlessly around questions such as “did i fall out of love” “can you fall back in love” “post honeymoon phase” “relationship anxiety” etc. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I had a lot of doubt in the beginning 2 months of us dating as I just couldn’t feel that “excitement” I had felt in other past relationships in the same time and I worried I should just listen to my “gut” and get out. I couldn’t make any sense of it, why couldn’t i feel that “excitement”? Was it because it was easy and he was too available or was there genuinely something missing? However, I kept wanting to try as this person had everything I had ever looked for and more. He was highly intelligent, compassionate, genuine, generous,successful, full of interests & knowledge, we had great physical intimacy and above all we wanted the same things long term and had the same values. He really was the full package and what I would want in a husband. I had never met anyone like him with as much to offer. For every 1 date where I was excited about the possibilities, there were 3-4 where I was plagued by over-analyzing feelings and doubt. After a few months I started to feel the longing and some sparks. It was a slow process but ultimately it developed into what was head over heels in-love and the feelings lasted a solid 6 months. I pictured my whole life with him. There were days I didn’t feel the passion or the “in-love” feelings but I assumed this to be normal. That feelings and relationships ebb and flow. I didn’t let these days of doubt get to me, I just accepted them and “knew” an “in love” day was just around the corner. The doubts and concern I had were fleeting because ultimately there were enough head over heels in love days to compensate. However, 6-8 weeks ago I woke up and something was different. First it was a not so “in love” day but then the days persisted. I wasn’t having an “in love” day to compensate and I started to worry..”2 weeks without sparks”, something must be wrong. I’ve experienced this path with other relationships. In fact, I’ve had over analyzing feelings and periods of downness in almost all my other relationships (including this one). That lack of feeling led me down a path of “i’m just not in love anymore”, “maybe it was never real”, “is the honeymoon phase over”, “it’s suppose to be easy” to the point where I became so anxious and depressed all I could feel was negativity and like the relationship was over. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or function normally. I convinced myself I had fallen in love with the idea of my boyfriend, rather than him as it seemed the most logical, even if it wasn’t true. Somehow I managed to push through the pain (despite a 10 day period of my “gut” saying to end things because of the anxiety and depression I felt) and with positive thinking and calmness I managed to regain the “in love feelings” for a good 2-3 weeks. I still found myself over-analyzing my feelings (as I always do) but in general I felt good. But then I started to worry,I was feeling calm and “happy”, but was it real and genuine? The fact I had such a dark period filled with anxiety and depression for an elongated period of time didn’t seem normal. Was I just brushing my feelings away? Was there truth to why the anxiety/depression period happened? Is this normal? Am I actually happy? Am I forcing things? And just like that I went through the same spiral as I had a month ago where I started to pick a part the days that weren’t filled with “in love feelings” and all my biggest fears about our relationship came back (it’s never been real, I forced things, it’s just not right, we don’t have the right connection, I’m trying to convince myself). I’m now back in that anxious depressed place feeling hopeless that for whatever reason “he’s not the one” because my gut is saying so, because I’m in a huge amount of pain and it shouldn’t be like this. I search for answers and my latest one is that his personality maybe just isn’t exciting enough or interesting enough, maybe that’s the issue…maybe we’re just not a match and I don’t feel energized by him. Nevertheless, I can still remember days in my ever clouded brain where I was so happy doing nothing with him and felt so connected. Other than my current theory that “I don’t love him”, our relationship is perfect: We don’t fight, we communicate really well, we tell each other everything and are so honest, we are supportive of each other, we always want to try new things for the other, we do lots of fun activities, we have great physical intimacy, I am close with his family, we have immense trust, we talk about the future and want the same things, we get each other, we are loving. But maybe that isn’t enough? Maybe the core foundation isn’t there? Do I need more? Do I need to feel more alive in our relationship? Is a lack of aliveness even the issue or is that another theory I just invented?

    I really don’t want to let what could be my husband slip away and the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I keep wondering about your “million dollar question”? Do I follow my gut because of the sheer unhappiness in my emotions or do I take your course and determine the issue is me?

    Any advice is greatly appreciated.

    • Have you taken the free quiz? Every single concern you’ve listed here is addressed there. You could walk away, but I can almost guarantee you that you would find yourself in the same place with the next available partner, so you may as well work it out now. If you join the course you’ll be amazed to see yourself reflected all over it, and you will be giving yourself the biggest gift you could give in terms of your self-awareness, healing, and of course, not letting a great relationship slip away.

      • Gut or Anxiety?

        I have taken the quiz and was able to check off multiple boxes. My biggest fear is that my gut feeling is so strong for a reason…2 rounds of debilitating anxiety and depression, doubt in the beginning, there must be something wrong. It’s like I forget all the amazing positive feelings I’ve experienced in this relationship. I have trouble getting back there because I have this constant knot in my stomach that this isn’t it, the connection isn’t right. Objectively though, there is nothing wrong in our relationship. It’s near perfect- minus a lack of feeling over the past while of being “drawn, in-love” and this leading to feelings of intense sadness and anxiety that this isn’t it, and then convincing hypothesis that he can’t energize me enough (PS i have tons of energy as is). My question ultimately- can this course really remove the “gut” feeling and make me feel confident this is the person I want to spend my life with and is right for me?

        • “My question ultimately- can this course really remove the “gut” feeling and make me feel confident this is the person I want to spend my life with and is right for me?” Yes ;). Of course it’s not a magic pill, which means you have to commit to doing the work and understand that it takes time to re-wire your thoughts, feeling and belief systems that are preventing you from moving forward, but with time, attention, and patience, you will find your clarity and confidence.

          • Gut or Anxiety?

            Thanks Sheryl, really appreciate the direct and timely responses. I’m not willing to say goodbye to such a wonderful person or live with this crippling anxiety full of doubts. Perhaps taking the course will help me re-wire my thoughts as to what is actually needed to make me happy, perhaps the answer isn’t feeling more alive or “intense in love all the time” Really hoping 🙂

  • Angela

    Hi Sheryl, does the course cost more because i live in Australia?

  • Ingrid

    Hi! First: I was so happy and relieved when I found this page, thank you. There is still one thing I’ve been thinking of: I have read some of the stories on this page, from people who have worked through the e-course, and it seems like everyone says they had to learn a new kind of love, a more real love? I experienced really bad anxiety and suddenly loosing all feelings for my boyfriend the day we moved in together. My biggest fear is that I will never get the same feelings back, and never feel as in-love as I did. It was the best time of my life. I dont like the thought of having to learn to love my boyfriend in an other way, because I am so obsessed with getting back exactly what I had before. Do I have to just accept that those feelings are gone forever? It makes me feel so sad, and it makes me feel a bit scared of doing the e-course…

  • Lauren

    When does the course start?

  • Lauren

    Do you think that the self guided courses work as well?

    • Absolutely. For many people they’re preferable as there’s no time pressure. Keep in mind that even though they’re “self-guided”, because there are so many videos it’s very much like I’m there guiding you through the process.

  • Louise

    Hi Sheryl,
    Finding your website has given me a sense of relief and hope – I took the assessment and I’m keen to sign up for the course but I’m wondering if it’s still suitable because my situation is slightly different to being in a relationship and just doubting my feelings.

    I actually broke up with my boyfriend a month ago because we were planning to move in but due to his financial situation (which I always knew about) I realised it wouldn’t be possible – in our time together he had tried to fix things but hadn’t fixed them fast enough and my opinion of how he was dealing with the issues was causing arguments. Other than this we had a very happy relationship, keeping this brief we have now decided after a month apart (but speaking most days, longest we went without speaking was around 3 days) that we will take our relationship ‘back to basics’ while he sorts his finances, he has made some very positive steps towards doing this, I know he wants to sort things out and I know we both want the same things in our future. My problem is now we are back together I’m doubting if things will ever change, have I jumped back in too soon, what if I get hurt again, what if there’s a problem other than money that I didn’t see before, what if I’m only back with him because of how much I was hurting about letting him go? When we were apart my head was clear about wanting him back or wanting him to cut contact if he didn’t want me back, why now we are trying again am I so unsure.

    So I guess my issue is that as well as the relationship anxiety, I have anxiety about the overall situation. Do you think the course can still help me with this?

    • Yes, the course will benefit you enormously. While there are real issues with the finances, your list of “what-ifs” above indicate classic relationship anxiety. You’re in the right place.

  • Northernlass

    Relationship anxiety is… to have your mind constantly scrutinize your relationship and your partner from every possible angle.

    Relationship anxiety is… to feel your body constantly tense and anxious around your partner as you are so fixated on how you are feeling or should be.

    Relationship anxiety is… wondering if you wouldn’t be better off alone, even though a relationship is all you’ve ever wanted, and your partner more than you could ever have dreamed of.

    Relationship anxiety is… having thoughts like ‘I need to break up with him now’ at crazily inappropriate moments like while he is being rushed to hospital in an ambulance, as this is the only way your mind has learned to deal with the searing anxiety of losing him.

    Courage is… refusing to turn and run in the midst of excruciating anxiety, even when it feels like it’s ripping out your insides.

    Courage is… refusing to listen to the endless chatter of your mind as it spews out reason after reason why you should leave your partner.

    Courage is… trusting in the deepest part of yourself that knew, long before the anxiety ever hit, that this person with whom you are STILL CHOOSING to do life with, is the best thing that has ever happened to you.

  • I have recently just had an emotional break down because my boyfriend was away with training for his work and it was the second week in of he’s training and I was feeling very anxious and stressed out, I was starting to question everything about our relationship. “Is he right for me ” Do I really love him, “is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” I was feeling scared and a really bad knot feeling in my stomach for some unknown reason. I know that recently there was a new guy that started at my work & he was flirting with me. And maybe I was wondering were the spark is gone. But I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and everything has been perfect. But My partner has never done anything wrong to me , he’s my best friend, he’s funny, he supports me, he loves me, he’s the one I tell everything to and he knows a lot things I have never told anyone. I know At times he can be annoying and sometimes it makes me want to hate him. But I wouldn’t change him at all.
    So he has come back home now and it’s good to have him home, we’ve had sexual activities and it was great. But has a few days has gone on I still feel every nervous and anxious and it’s making me feel very ill and I’m struggling to eat, I can’t sleep properly and having bad nightmares of hurt my anxiety is really bad. All I feel like doing is laying on the lounge the whole day, I don’t have an energy. I’ve been to the doctors for a blood test and to see what’s wrong with me, I’ve been told i got stress and I’m moderate depressed.
    My boyfriend has been helping me through this so and trying to understand why all this is happening and i am very greatful. But I can’t get this feeling away and it’s so frustrating.

  • Lili

    Hi Sheryl,

    I am about to buy this course but once I click the purple button, site directly takes me to the paypa before signing in or opening an accountl. Since I will be paying with my husbands’ bank card I wonder what the next step is after the payment? Will I get all the materials through email?, or some other way? In other words there is no place to register under my name to make sure I receive the materials.

  • holly

    hey Sheryl,
    Im in a 3.5 year relationship. We have just broken up recently. After the first year, i began to become controlling, jealous and quite angry. I have my own issues with anxiety and depression and he was the best thing that ever happened ot me and i think i became very obssesive and jealous at time. My personality is a lot stronger and more dominant than his anyway as he is quite introvert compared to me so i have seemed to take the role of being over controlling. I also dont trust easily and i take betrayal very badly and he has terrible issues with lying. Lots of things down to taking drugs, watching porn, texting certain people, and also just his general feelings and opinions, hes been scared to be himself and has always just agreed with me and gone with what i want as im so controlling. Yes i feel awful and i realise i have big issues here. I had an awful childhood and hes the first person to love me properly, al thos sort of things have made me become this not nice person. 🙁 But also, he has always been very secretive, shady and lack of confidence, he is a people pleaser and doesnt speak up and also aways too scared to admit things and tell the truth, he is a big liar a lot of the time and has destroyed my trust worst than ever, so we both have done wrong, but i guess my overall attitude has not made it easy for him, even though hes always been untrustworthy and irresponsible even before we met, he has been babied massivley and never had to take any responsiblity, his mum always babied and fixed and was so soft with him, whereas i had the opposite and i had to be very tough and care for myself. we are extreme opposites in that way. so he irritates the hell out of me and i often feel like he is not a real man, just a mummys boy and i havent always been very nice along the way, regretfully 🙁 Anyway it got to the point about 6months befor we broke up, where he developed a bad anxiety issue around me he was always on edge, very nervous and scared to speak, look around, or much else. i tried to be nice and reassure, but then id lose it at time also and have major anger and rage outburtst (i have hormones imbalance too which makes me rage often) 🙁 So now it really is a mess and so damaged, he is scared of me, i dont know how to fix it. Plus i often feel anxious and unsure about us, wondering if we are a good match? however, as bad as this all sounds, we are very special together and have a deep emotional connection and are deeply in love always have been, i wish i can calm down and soften somewhat and learn to accept more that he is more sensitive and soft than i am (apart from the lying, i wont stand for that) and hi malso to man up a little and be more open and repsonsible. We are both plagued with anxiety about the other at the moment and so unsure about how to fix this and if we should be together or if the damage is too much. i think we can fix with some guicdance, but im very worried about how its turned out. we are really in love though, just anxious, i am very anxious wondering if he really is man enough for me and im attracted enough, as i often see him as little boy, whereas i am very mature and independant- he is not. (i am 26 hes 28).
    I have actually just purchased the break free from relationship anxiety course to help as i feel like me being so unsure all the time makes me more angry and irritated towards him, as i find it hard to access my love these days and he thinks i am very nasty and scary and finds it hard to access his love too. but deep down we are so in love! do you think this can help us? Also the trust is very bad which again makes me more angry, should we deal with that separately as an individual issue? I literally dont believe a word he says and as sweet as he is he aso has a devious and cruel side when he lies to me so badly knowing it destroys me. What do you think? Thanks so much x

  • Miranda Rizzo

    Hello Sheryl,

    I was in a previous 4 year long relationship that included an almost 2 year engagement. I practically begged him to propose and literally the minute he did, I was over come with gut-wrenching anxiety. I dealt with anxiety for the duration of the relationship and due to some things and realizations he had come to personally, we called off the engagement and the relationship on a whole. In retrospect, I’m so thankful and I have confidence that it was the correct decision.

    Now, I have been in an incredible relationship with a wonderful man for just over a year. He is hilarious, supportive, consistent, when he says something-he does it, and over-all we just seem to have this effortless functionality. I love him and our life together. For the first 11.5 months of being together, it was wonderful and I had vowed to myself since day one that we would handle things a day at a time and not fret about the future or where we are going the next step etc. I was even comfortable enough to move in with him at about 10 months. (a BIG deal for me!) At the 11.5 month mark I woke up one morning and was consumed with anxiety out of no where!!

    I keep making exit strategies in my head or trying to think about how I could live without him (which I DO NOT want!!) On top of that, I have guilt about the way I feel, thinking he deserves someone who can just be happy without the complications I have.

    My question is: Which e-course would provide the most applicable solutions for me?

    Already I feel a sense of relief over reading the comments/testimonials. Who knew there were so many people who could understand my heart?!

    Thank you!

    • I’m so glad you found your way here. Yes, just the testimonials alone are enough to bring relief and remove a layer of shame. I would recommend the Break Free From Relationship Anxiety E-Course, and I have no doubt that you will benefit from it enormously. Keep us posted ;).

  • Meredith

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’ve taken the assessment, and read through many of your blogs, but I haven’t yet found anything similar to my current case of anxiety.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years, and we plan to get engaged soon, and marry early next year. I know that this is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. Recently, a very tragic event happened in my family, which then caused me to become fearful in my relationship. It started off as being fearful of being attracted to other people. Then it moved to, “Do I really love him? Have I ever loved him?” The fear became so overwhelming that I was unable to remember any happiness at all.

    This is my main problem right now. After moving past the fears of love, I started to get panicky again about being attracted to other people. And I know that this is mentioned in your blog, but I’ve began to think that, “Well if I just enjoy the thoughts, then they won’t be so bad.” This thought terrifies me! Now, every time I see somebody, whether they’re attractive or not, I force myself to think weird thoughts of physical attraction. I’ve become so fearful of liking the thoughts of attraction towards others, that I force myself to have them. I feel like I’m ruining everything in my relationship, and just want to know how to get this to go away!

    Do you have any blog posts that talk about this very thing? What do you think it could be? Is this at all normal?

    I plan on purchasing the Break Free course, but I’m not sure if all of my issues will be addressed in the course (or if I have a more serious problem).

    I’d love to hear from you!

    • 100% normal and addressed in depth in the course. You’re just describing another intrusive thought and the invitation here is to learn how to work with your thoughts for the first time in your life. I hope you dive in soon so that you can bring relief and true healing to your mind and heart.

  • Heaven m

    Hi Sheryl , I i was just wondering if it’s normal after such a long time of anxiety that the anxiety goes away but the thoughts don’t . I think that’s what scares me the most because even without the gut renching anxiety all day 24/7 from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep i think about the past, when anxiety first hit . How much I hurt him tellin him this . Feeling like maybe I’m to young and I’m never gonna get over this . How I love him but what if I’m not in love . Just thought after thought and it sucks cause it gives me anxiety thinking well maybe it is true cause the thoughts won’t leave my mind and I’ve become kind of numb . Would u say it’s just from the anxiety so next come intrusive thoughts?

  • Intrusive thoughts are another form of anxiety, and the healing path is to learn how to work to your thoughts in a loving way. I teach this in depth in the course.

  • Rebecca

    Hi,

    i have recently came across your blog and im glad to see im not the only one dealing with this! i have been in a relationship for the last 8 years to a amazing man who is all i could ever ask for, to him i am his princess. for the last year and a bit i have been questioning silly things like ” do i love him” ‘what if we get amrried and i want a divorce’ ‘ what if he isnt right for me’ and so on and so forth. My thoughts and anxiety comes like a wave, up and down. rollacoaster that i cant seem to get off. I no deep down in my heart that i wont ever find anyone like him, he is kind, caring and will be the best life partner and father to our children i could imagine.
    I feel numb at times and dont feel happy about anything. i have tired soo many different things like councelling ect but all seem to be as if im too fearful of what they will say to me. It all started when i mad a mistake in our realtionship about 3 years ago, he forgave me but it took me along time to forgive myself and i was soo anxious i was going to loose him through the process, i couldnt eat, i would be crying all day! i was hands down just so misrable! then all of a sudden my friend asked me “why did you do that, do you even love him?!’ it all started from there, i asked myself that question over and over up until today were i still ask myself the same things! i sometimes look at him and question his attractiveness.
    Is this normal? how can i change my mind by being asked one question!? Someone please tell me whats going on!

  • Chantelle

    Hi Sheryl!
    I am so happy I found your website, it has been the one site that has given me some light during this dark time I am having. I have struggled with peaks and valleys of anxiety and depression the majority of my life however, it definitely reaches an intense high when it comes to my relationship. My troubles with anxiety and depression have always come in waves as long as I can remember. It’s to the point where I will reach an extremely high happiness for days, weeks, or even months and then all in one swing, I will be debilitated by the negative and anxious things I feel and think. These dark feelings and thoughts will in turn consume me making me feel hopeless, panicky, and just overall unhappiness. These feelings in turn, effect my relationship in ways I do not want. I have been with the most wonderful man for about 3 years now. He is the most loving, stable, affectionate, and supportive person I have ever been with. He never questions anything in his life especially when it comes to our relationship. This of course, naturally sends me into an anxiety ridden downward spiral. I immediately hate myself for questioning or allowing my mind to go in such a wild negative direction while he is just so happy with me and our relationship. Deep down, I know I am happy and I love and adore the person he is. I find myself not having as big of issues with the physical aspect, but more so the mental and emotional aspect. My heart knows I love him, yet my thoughts and my mind hinder my relationship experience because I am so caught up in the “what if” and “am I in the right relationship?” thoughts. It puts a pit in my stomach and makes me almost sick to think about. I noticed that this all started developing a few months ago. Out of nowhere, my boyfriend and I both started this pattern of arguing and bickering particularly when out with friends or in other social settings while drinking. This has never been an issue with us up until recent months and I know that this is when the anxiety and depression began its wave of intensity essentially taking over my life and my thoughts pertaining to my relationship in particular. It’s comforting knowing that there are other people out there who struggle with similar thoughts and feelings, however it saddens me to realize that I don’t know how to get over it or move on from how I feel. It also saddens me because we always have had such a loving relationship with wonderful communication and NEVER exchanging hurtful words– especially when out having a good time together! I think all of that has basically scarred me in a way making me unsure, doubtful, anxious, and extremely sad. I don’t know if this is normal … Or if I should worry and accept that my relationship may not be fixable. My boyfriend and I both communicate still tremendously and he knows how I have been feeling lately and has been trying to help me work through it. I know that when I give the thoughts and feelings attention, they intensify to the point where I don’t know how I’m going to go on or how it will ever get better without us breaking up. That’s not what I want, and I know that’s not what he wants whatsoever. I just want to go back to having my amazing healthy relationship back with no negative thoughts weighing on me every day. What would you suggest I do? Are these feelings normal? Can we overcome them and get back to our relationship? Is it positive I am at least feeling something rather than feeling nothing at all?
    Thank you for any feedback! It is all beyond appreciated.

    • Your relationship is definitely fixable! In fact, there’s nothing to fix; there’s only a wonderful opportunity to learn about yourselves as a couple and as individuals. Yes, giving the thoughts and feelings ineffective attention will fuel the first. The key is to learn to work with them effectively, which is what this course will teach you in depth. Quick piece of advice: Stop drinking! It exacerbates anxiety and can cause conflict even when there’s nothing to argue about. Countless clients and e-course members have noticed a dramatically positive difference in their lives when they reduce alcohol consumption or eliminate it completely:

      http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15748/the-1-change-that-could-reduce-anxiety-that-almost-no-one-tries.html

  • britt

    I have rOCD. I go thru periods of constant doubt for the love of my partner and then I have a few days of happiness and then my mind goes back to constant doubt. Will this work?

  • Chrissy

    Hello Sheryl,
    I am currently saving up to take this course but have one question. Your blog posts and the testimonials on your site have helped me tremendously, but the one part of my experience that I have not seen reflected is a lack of sexual desire/chemistry. Which, as you can imagine, has only fueled my relationship anxiety tremendously.

    In the beginning I was more open to being intimate even though I didn’t feel a great chemistry, but as time has gone on (3.5 years) I’ve lost my desire completely.

    I am seeing a therapist for this, but my question is does this course address this sort of situation at all? Or is there a specific blog entry you could direct me towards?

    Anyone else going through this/been through this??

    Thank you for all your help!

    • Hi Chrissy,

      Lack of sexual desire is a VERY common symptom of relationship anxiety, and it’s addressed in depth in the course. If you join the course and the private forum you’ll find many, many members who are struggling with this same issue, and many who have successfully worked through it and are finding their way toward embodied sexuality.

      Warmly,
      Sheryl

  • Ariana

    Sheryl,
    I read on your red flags article and said unhealed trust issues or betrayal is a red flag. My boyfriend has done a lot of things in the past where I lost my trust for him completely but then I wanted to give him a chance to prove to me that I could start trusting him again, and he’s been so generous and caring.

    All I’m thinking about is,”He’s going to do it again. He can’t be trusted because of what he’s done to you in the past already. You can’t love him if you’re thinking like this. You never loved him to begin with.” But I do trust him now more than ever because he’s so supportive of my relationship anxiety and is willing to do anything he can to help me. But I feel like the stuff he did in the past affects my relationship anxiety. I feel like I haven’t actually been able to fully recover from the pain he caused me in the past but I do trust him and I want to let the past go.

    How would I go about doing that? Does this mean I have to leave because it’s considered a “red flag?”

    My anxiety spiked when I read that because I feel like I’m having trouble dealing with the past but I want to be happy with him because I really do care and love him and I know I can trust him but there’s always that voice That tries to remind me what he’s done so I worry and leave.

    This doesn’t mean I have to leave him, though, right? Because, really, the last thing I want to do is leave. I really want to work things out with him.

    • Ariana

      I mean, he’s really changed. It’s me who can’t let go of the past because I was always anxious about everything and it made me worry about everything. And he’s even willing to make things work with me and explain some of the things he did in the past and I’m terrified once he does, I’ll still be anxious and won’t be able to let go. I guess that’s just anxiety, isn’t it?

    • You don’t need to leave, Ariana. Broken trust is only a red-flag if the person who broke trust isn’t willing to take actions toward repair. It sounds like your boyfriend is more than willing to earn your trust back, which is wonderful. Is he willing to go to couples’ therapy with you? It might only take a few sessions for the two of you to learn how to communicate what you’re needing in order to make the repairs necessary for you to feel safe again.

      • Ariana

        He is willing to go to couples therapy with me but I can’t even talk to him about this yet because I don’t see him much. That’s the another reason why this is so hard. I’ve spent 2 years living like Romeo and Juliet. 19 and he’s 17, haven’t been able to be together and its still like that. I’m having so much trouble with this because I really want to talk to him in person about this but I can’t until he turns 18.

  • SoSad

    Dear Sheryl, during the last year I have developed relationship anxiety and general anxiety that has been shifting from one thing to another. Me and my fiance should start living together this year buuut our financial situation is not so good so we are still living with our parents which I don´t like. He would rather have me move in with him and his family and save money so that we can move out in the future and I would rather like us to rent a flat together now, even if that means that we´ll basically be in a financially hard situation. How to we fix this problem and prevent it from turning into a screaming red flag that would destroy or this is something that is irreconcilable? I appreciate your answer!

  • Jenna

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’m so glad to have found your page. After suffering with this for Months and scouring the Internet for answers I don’t know how I didn’t find it sooner! It’s such a relief to hear people going through the same as me and having the exact same thoughts and doubts and still being able to work things out with their partner! I’m 25 years old and always suffered with anxiety, low self esteem and a very overactive mind. 2 years ago i met the man of my dreams. After being hurt and treated badly in past relationships I couldn’t believe my luck when I met my man. He’s so kind, caring, honest, loyal supportive and just a beautiful person who loves me unconditionally and treats me like a princess. We had so much fun together and I truly had never felt love like it. I had no doubt in my mind that he would be my husband and father to my children. I’ve never felt that way before. However a few months back my whole world fell apart over night. I decided to move in with him and literally lost my head on the first night. I didn’t know how to explain it i didn’t know how I felt about him anymore I kept telling myself that it can’t be right, that he’s not the one. I always knew I loved him. He’s pretty amazing it’s kind of hard not to. I couldn’t be around him and feared being with him because of the over whelming feelings/thoughts/doubts I had when I was with him. Constantly comparing to how different it was from before. I decided to call a break with my partner because I was so confused of what these feelings were. I was so ill. I couldn’t eat, sleep or think straight and was constantly sick. I couldn’t leave th house to even go to work. It broke his heart which destroyed me even more. And it broke my heart to. There was just no reason at all for this to happen he treated me so well! We had a great sex life, had great communication, supported and loved each other 100%. I started seeing a life coach who identified the fact that I didn’t have enough variety in my life which I agreed. I got so caught up in my amazing relationship that I stopped doing anything for myself eg. Seeing friends etc he said that I had made my partner my whole life when it’s healthier when he’s just part of my life. He said he thinks we had to much to soon and that’s why he thinks it happened to me. During our break up although we still spoke, met up sometimes I decided to work on myself. Made some new friends, took dance lessons and created a new weekly routine for myself and it made me feel great. Although I always longed that I would feel differently and would end up with my partner again someday. Recently we started seeing each other again. I’ve put it off for so long because I just couldn’t bare to hurt him or put him through that again. I love him so much and I just always feel that he deserves better. Everything was going great for a few weeks I was so happy I’d finally cracked it I was falling in love all over again. But I was wrong. Something triggered off my thoughts again one day in work and it’s just taking over my life again. Constant anxiety, over analysing every little thing about him. Constantly asking myself questions like maybe I don’t love him? Maybe I love him but I’m not in love with him? Maybe he’s just not the right one and I should leave him to get on with his life? Do I even find him attractive? When I know deep down that I love him completely. Now when I’m with him I can’t let myself enjoy the time we spend together because I’m so over run by fear of me hurting him, him not being the right one and it not working out. And an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I desperately just want these feelings to go away so I can give our relationship another try! Everything was going so well. But I know unless I get help I’m just going to make myself Ill again and I will loose him for good. And I don’t want that because although I’m young as people keep telling me I just think there’s definitely something worth saving with us. And I really think if I could just relax, get rid of these thoughts and just enjoy the time we spend together things would totally work out! And that’s the most annoying thing about it. I feel like I’m ruining something for myself that has the potential of being something so special. Do you think we have a chance? I can’t bear the thought of him having what we had with somebody else. I just hope I can do this. I would love to hear back from you. Thank you.

  • Danielle

    I have started your course, but I have a question. My boyfriend is someone I knew a few years ago and we’ve been dating about 3 months. I’ve had this anxiety from the beginning, but he’s been very sure from the beginning that I am the one for him. I can see he is head over heels in love with me (or something close to that), which you say is not real love. Does that mean he doesn’t really love me? Or will fall out of love with me at some point?

  • Danielle

    If someone was on antidepressant/anxiety medication, would you suggest getting off of it to deal with the anxiety at it’s root? Could the anxiety come back if you are on it while going through the program and you get off of it at a later date?

    • It depends how long you’ve been on medication and what dose you’re on. I do not recommend getting off meds cold turkey, but highly suggest a gentle weaning process supported by a skilled naturopath. You don’t have to get off meds to deal with anxiety at its root. That said, most people find that when they commit themselves to this work they are able to get off meds eventually.

  • Sad and confused

    Hi Sheryl,

    I found your website last week as I was googling, “How to know if your partner is the one?” and many other questions. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly three years. I have been talking about marrying him for at least the last two years- we even picked my ring back in the summer of 2015. Everything has been absolutely great- except a few months ago I had my first intrusive though- Am I attracted to him? I grew up always being “guy crazy” and I think I always told myself I wanted a tall, dark and handsome guy. My boyfriend is bald, which is something that I think bugs me deep down.. even though he is handsome and hair is such a small thing to worry about. I would find myself comparing him to other guys, or even myself looking at a good looking guy with a different look and wondering if that is the type of guy I would have been with. My boyfriend is my first everything, so I think a lot of how I have been feeling could be related to me being scared… I was able to push that intrusive thought of his looks behind me, up until last week the thought came back, but it came back with a vengeance. I not only thought “Am I attracted to him?”, I though “Do I really love him?”, “Am I only with him because I am afraid to be alone, or because I wanted to be married before I was 30?” (I am 30 in two years).. I started to actually question how I feel about him..thinking about the past and then trying to picture us in the future. It got to the point where I would start to feel anxious around him. I ended up going to my first counselling session last week (the counsellor was able to gather that I compare myself and him to others- always worried about others opinions, and that I am always looking for approval from my mother(. I felt great after the session, but that night I saw my boyfriend and the anxiety kicked in full force and scared me. I then decided with the help of my mom that maybe “some time off” would help.. it last two days… I thought I was healed from reading a couple of chapter out of an anxiety book… I thought about him the whole two days and I would get anxious, but was able to combat the anxious with some happy thoughts of us. Well, I saw him aftr the two days and the anxiety came back when I saw him (which I was petrified would happen). I then told him I needed more time.. but this time to be more of an official “break”… that was last night… and today was the hardest day of my life. EVery time I thought of the word “break” I would immediately start to cry… I love this man soo much, I can see myself with him, but why am I questioning everything now? Why did this have to happen to me? My relationship with him was perfect.. and now all I am worried and scared is that through counselling or some time a part that I am going to discover that I did in fact not love him… even though I do. Please help.. I don’t know what to do.. and I am losing myself. He is perfect and I know I should focus on myself and not worry about him, but every time I do I immediately start to cry and I get anxious again. Please help, Sheryl!!

  • Blue

    Hello! I’ve considered joining a course for some time now. I just have one question – can I benefit from it even if I don’t have the anxiety right now and just feel like I don’t love him like I used to for some reason… Not excited to spend time with him or make plans together (especially a plant to move in in the house with his mother although we are at good terms). We are engaged and I feel stupid, I don’t want to “convince” myself anything, it should be what I want (both marriage or a breakup) and not something that I convince myself to do. What do you think? Thanx in advance!

    • Anxiety is a blanket term that includes all the ways that we create barriers to love, and can include indifference, numbness, boredom, doubting, ambivalence, and nothingness. The course is designed to help you find your clarity which, for most people, results in staying in a loving relationship, but either way you’ll choose from a clear mind and open heart.

  • May

    Dear Sheryl, You said that it is not a red flag if partners don’t share the same interests/hobbies… So I was wondering how can I keep my calm and not start panicking because I love fitness and sports and my partner is not that kind of person at all. I feel bad when I get in shape and find him less physically attractive and thus less sexually appealing (even after almost a decade of dating). Is there anything I could do to change that, given that that is not a red flag? Thank you

    • Do you find him more sexually appealing when you’re not in shape?

      • May

        Odd question, I don’t know… When I’m not going to the gym I disconnect from the fitness world and pay no attention to the physical appearances. When I go regularly and spend time with people who care about their bodies and look good, than I begin to notice that my boyfriend has gained weight or is leading a less healthier lifestyle. I try to talk him into being more active but it’s just not his thing but he encourages me to do it… And at times I find myself rebelling and not going to gym because “Why would I sweat, work hard and look good while you sit at home eating rubbish food”… If that makes any sense. That just sounds mean :/

        • No, that doesn’t sound mean at all. This is an EXTREMELY common area of focus for women about their partners, so you’re far from alone here. The reason I asked the question is because often our focus on our partner is more a projection than a true need and speaks to other issues inside of us that need attention. To answer your original question, this is not a red flag and it will be addressed in the course.

  • May

    Thank you so much for answering! Have a great day!

  • Jen

    Hi, I’m happy I found this site, as it’s certainly calmed many of my feelings of “Terminal Uniqueness” 🙂 However, I can’t find an answer to my one lingering question. Should I tell my fiance I’m considering taking this course? He knows all about my issues (which I now have a fancy new name for; i.e. Relationship Anxiety) and has watched me waffle back and forth over the course of the past 8 months we’ve been engaged. Needless to say, I doubt he’d be shocked when I tell him that I’m thinking of doing this e-course. He claims to be totally free of all questions, doubt, plaguing insanity, panic, dread, fear, etc. I should be grateful that he’s so dedicated to me/us, but sometimes I feel even more alone because we’re on such different pages. Blah blah blah…the real question: should I tell him I’m involved with this community or keep it from him?

    • It’s really up to you. Some people choose to share and others choose to keep it private. If you don’t think your fiancé would have a problem with it, it can be helpful to share it with him so that he has a better understanding of what you’re struggling with.

  • PijamaBunny

    Dear Sheryl, is it normal to have toughts about the ex although we broke up over 7 years ago. Sometimes i feel like I miss him and catch myself searching him on Fb and spying to see what he’s up to. That makes me sad because I doesn’t feel right to do that since I’m engaged… I have dreams about him, too. He was my biig love and I was infatuated with him to the bone. Why do I still care after all this time? My therapist said that It’d normal, the toughts, wondering, dreams… But I can’t help but wonder will it be like this forever? I really wouldn’t want that. I am struggling with anxiety and feel like that is not normal to think aubot the ex after so many years. Ot ist is? But people don’t talk about it?
    Thanks

  • ScaredJane

    Dear Sheryl,
    I’m afraid… in constant doubt about anything. Found your lovely site and was “hooked” ever since because it addressed everything I was going through and then I stumbled upon some mean comments on a random forum, stating that you publish only positive comments and good experiences and filter those more critical and “real”. Could you tell me something? I want to join but I’m scared 🙁

    • The only comments I filter are from one particular troller who comments on my character, not on my work. She leaves 1-2 comments a year and, of course, there’s no reason to approve her comments as she’s mean-spirited and her intentions are subversive. I assure you that you’re in safe and good hands here ;).

  • Wifetobe

    Dear Sheryl, could it be a red flag or can it be fixed – the bad feelings I have when my partner’s not around. I loved him dearly but because of the nature of his job he has to work over 8 hours and I only get to see him in the morning and evening when we’re pretty run down which makes me kind of sad during the day and I sometimes start to blame him and so on. Is there something I could do, taken that he can’t change the job now? Thank you!

    • This can absolutely be addressed if both of you are willing to hear each other. Are you open to couples’ therapy? If so, please find an EFT trained therapist through this site:

      http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist

      • Wifetobe

        Oh, definitely! We do not fight at all, it is I who is being anxious and struggling with what ifs and anxiety. And in our small country in Europe, we do not have EFT therapists… Is there an online version available or would this course help me? I can feel that something can be done but I don’t know why and I always end up so apathetic and wonder if we’re simple not a mach, which kills me because something screams that is not true, especially after 7 years together I think I would have figured it out earlier. Thank you so much for your help!

  • Karen

    What if there is a potential red flag issue (disagreement on having kids) and relationship anxiety?

  • Jan

    I can’t express how thankful I am to find this website. I am in a new relationship with the man of my dreams and out of nowhere I developed this crippling anxiety. I have been working hard, and have drastically improved but I am looking forward to being even more at peace. He is a wonderful man and has been nothing but supportive and loving during this time and I can’t thank him enough for coming into my life. I am looking forward to making even more progress with your course!

  • katze

    Dear Sheryl! I’m struggling with relationship anxiety and obsessive what ifs. When I cool down I am usualy left with “maybe I just don’t live him enough” feeling. When I was younger I had one boyfriend for over the year and when he broke up with me I met someboy else and I never gave a thought about the ex, I just realized that I actually wasn’t that into him and I never thought or dreamed about him anymore. Then, when me and next guy (“THE ex”) broke up I was desperate and I still have him in my dreams and still fieel kind of hurt although I’m in another relationship for almost a decade! I have a feeling if me and my fiance were to break up I just would not be that hurt and I would feel like I did with the first bf that I’ve mentioned. That all just fuels my anxiety and this constant doubt is getting on my nerve. But I did enjoy my years with him and whenever I felt doubt I could easily soothe myself with something like “It’s ok to feel like this, it’s nit that we are married”, and now that I’m engaged I feel like a fake bi*** especially because he’s such a sweetheart and would do anything for me, I don’t think I feel the same anymore and it just terrifies me and I can’t imagine getting married and having kids with someone I don’t feel as in love with… My question is, is this a common case because I feel like the only one and would this course (and how) be beneficial to me or should I not waste my money on it? I feel so embarrased! Thank you for your help, your artivles have helpede a lot!

  • Sarah

    Is it normal to have these types of feelings during a marriage? (10 years)

  • BK

    I have really identified with much of what you have described in your course. I wanted to know is it also normal with this to pick apart not only the relationship, but also the person. Like silly little things they say, etc. I also am curious about the coaching sessions.

  • BK

    Thank you for responding Sheryl! I just emailed you from the coaching session page! I feel like things have been absolutely relentless over the last month. It seems like after one thought goes away, the next idea or thought is right behind it. Looking forward to the course.

  • Beyond

    Hey Sheryl, I have a similar question as Katze above… Would this course help and is it a red flag that I’m basically thinking the following: I KNOW he’s a great guy and good soul – but not for me anymore, I don’t seem to care anymore although we never fought and everything seems like it was before. That’s making me so sad, what do I do? Thank you!

    • Yes, the course is for you. Fear can mask as indifference (I don’t care anymore), and a good question to ask is: what is the risk of NOT taking the course and trying to work on a good relationship?

  • Worry Wart

    Hi Sheryl,
    I’ll try to make this quick but I really need some advice. I’ve been looking online which is a horrible idea! So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and lately I’ve had some insecurities with the relationship but we have talked about it and are working through it. This was last week so I’ve already been confused about the relationship and today he told me he has to go away for 7 months for work (which we knew was a possibility). I had a mini freak out but he made me feel better about it and I starting to think more positive about it. However, I went to see my therapist and I was telling her about my worries like what if we lose interest or grow apart etc. and she said maybe you’ll be the one who won’t miss him and then my mind just went nuts. All day today my mind has been clogged with thoughts like maybe I don’t really love him or I probably won’t miss him. It literally feels like I’m convincing myself I don’t love him when I know I do. Is this a sign we would end things or is it something that will pass? Thank you so much for any advice

    • Worry Wart

      We do plan on flying back and forth to see each other.

    • If you can take the course it would be ideal for you. If not, please read through as much of my site as you can. The thought processes you’re describing are typical of the mindset of those who find their way to my work.

      • Worry Wart

        Thank you for your reply. I have looked at a lot of comments and am considering taking a course but I wasn’t sure if it’s something that would work for me as I’m not sure if these feelings are just anxiety or if there is reason they are there.

        • That’s the million-dollar question ;). Please take the assessment on this page to learn more.

          • Worry Wart

            I took the assessment and I definitely have relationship anxiety but just want to know if it’s fixable. He’s a great guy to me and I don’t want to break up, I just want to go back to feeling like I did just last week. Thanks for your help. I think I am going to take the course.

  • It’s fixable if you do the work, which means taking in the information and practicing the daily tools that you’ll learn about in the course.

  • AL

    I’m interested in signing up, but first I’d like to be sure that my full name (from my payment info) will not be published or made available anywhere. Thanks!

  • Elizabeth F

    I am so relieved to have found this site!
    My boyfriend and I just moved into our own place on Sunday, after living wit my mother for a long time. I’ve been making myself sick with anxiety and stress since we moved in, doubting my love and commitment to him and his for me and isolating myself and obsessing about it. Reading other people’s comments has helped in a small way, I know I have a lot of work to do but at least I know I’m not alone and that people feel this way all the time. It’s like I know that I love him and I don’t want to leave, but my anxiety won’t let me feel those feelings, instead I have my defenses up, feel highly anxious and alone and upset with myself etc. I’m so glad this site exisits.

  • Elizabeth F

    I look forward to taking the course soon, just reading your blog posts helps. I know I can get past this, I can feel the relationship anxiety lessening a little. Things will improve soon.

  • Confused

    Dear Sheryl,
    have you written about best man/friend and a bride kind of thing?
    In the mid of my relationship anxiety I started noticing my fiance’s best friend (who was considered to be a best man at our wedding) and even having dreams about him which made me very mad at myself. I felt some kind of “vibe” when I was around him because he’s very charming, and I saw a couple of his looks and it seemed like he was flirting with his eyes, if you know what I mean. It’s been months since and I managed to tame my anxiety and am feeling better. Last night, however, we were at this birthday party and we got drunk and basically he told me how he always felt a bit jealous of my boyfriend because he was with such “cool and beautiful” girl like me and he was hugging me (all that while my fiance is sitting next to me!?) and I freaked out… I told my fiance about it and he is pretty mad, and I feel bad because they’re friends since elementary school. And I felt like I needed to tell him because I don’t want to have any secrets and especially to make this guy think like I approve of that… Did I do the right thing? My thoughts are racing again and I don’t know what to make of this whole situation? Is this a common thing? I feel like it’s even more terrible because it’s such an old friend. Ugh… Any advice?
    Love you, thanx!

    • You absolutely did the right thing by telling your fiancé as his friend is acting quite inappropriately. Yes, it’s quite common, and the work is to stay connected to your partner and to yourself as much as possible, while processing the underlying feelings connected to your transition (grief, vulnerability, fear).

  • Arielp

    Hey, Sheryl! I’ve been reading a lot on your website and it has been a huge help and comfort! However, I still doubt my feelings so I was wondering whether this course is for me… Sometimes I feel like I’m convincing myself to get married to my boyfriend just because he’s a good man. Sometimes it feels like I never really cared the way he did… and it seems like we ended up together just because he was extra persistent in trying to make that happen… 7 years later, I’m here questioning my honesty and feeling like the world’s biggest liar! He’s been my best friend, I can always talk about everything and he always listens. He’s the biggest supporter ever in all of my adventures and yet I feel like I don’t love him enough!?! It’s killing me to be that way. I had the “spark” at the beginning and I was convinced he was my soul-mate and I was 100% sure that he was the one and all of the sudden my anxiety spiked and I felt awkward when he proposed… I cannot explain. Also I never felt the “connection” that I used to feel with some other men, like just the warm exciting feeling, when it comes to sexual chemistry… Like I like his brains but I’m not attracted?! I wish I understood why… and what happened that I’m not so sure anymore, let alone 100% sure. He talks about our future and future family and I’m just cringing, but when we’re chilling and watching a movie together I’m super content and happy… I am beyond puzzled. Thoughts? Thanx in advance!

    • You’re describing classic relationship anxiety to a tee and I strongly encourage you to take the course! You will see yourself all over it from the first lesson and video, and you will be given the information and tools to help you make sense of everything you’re experiencing.

  • BK

    Hi Sheryl,
    I’ve started the course and it is going well but I was curious about the thoughts that I’m struggling with now. I guess I’m curious it they are part oaf the same cycle and just another thing to chalk up the anxiety. I have had periods of anxiety and then some times where I feel fine and enjoying my relationship. Right now it seems like it is one thought pattern after another. After I get over one thought about something, attraction for example, the next one comes shortly after lately being worrying that my girlfriend and I don’t connect and that little things she says annoy me. It seems to come out of nowhere when I’m find not anxious. I feel like I can’t get a conversation started. Is this more of the same and what you described in the first lesson about highs and lows?

  • VB

    Hi Sheryl,

    I have a little bit of a different story. I am 22 years old with the man I have believed I love with all of my heart. The first year we dated, I was consumed with all of the things you describe as relationship anxiety. Despite all of my feelings of doubt, I stayed with him because the thought of leaving him was even worse then the Relationship anxiety. He was/is perfect. He knew about all of my doubts and stayed by me through it all…. Until we went to college. He had a “freak-out” of his own, which I believe was his own little case of anxiety and actually acted on his doubts of being “too young” and “too serious” and broke things off. I was devastated it was the worse emotional pain I had ever experienced. Four months later, he came back into my life assuring me that he had made a mistake and impulsively broke up with me because he felt as though it was the “right thing to do.” Now we are back together, and all the doubts are back. But this time, instead of saying to myself “he’s never done anything wrong to make you feel this way, and when you arent anxious you know you love him and he loves you,”
    It’s more like “he left when he was scared, which means its probably not meant to be, and you’re forcing it.” i HATE feeling this way, because I was convinced that when he came back to me, I’d be so happy… which I am AT TIMES…but I am still filled with doubt and anxiety, and I am terrified that this is a sign that us breakingup should have been it. But I’m not ready to let go… I want this to work….but what if the want is not enough… what if sometimes relationships just “aren’t meant to work”, what if I can never trust him again. This time, I’m worried I cant find peace in the fact that it’s anxiety… I don’t know what to do. And I want to take your course and I am saving money to do so (broke college student), but in the meantime I just want to know your thoughts… and maybe someone on here has been through a similiar thing with a POSITIVE outcome with the one they love. I hate feeling this way, it makes me feel like im working too hard for someone who left when he was scared. But now hes back, giving me no signs of leaving and always assuring me he loves me and he’s here to stay. I just dont know what to do…

    Thank you Sheryl,
    VB

  • Mary

    Sorry for my English, I am not a native. Last summer I fell in love and a month later we started a relationship. Everything was OK. After 2 months I starterd hesitating about my feelings. Of course, that fantastic person did have things I appreciate less. But in my mind everything changed. It was like: If only my partner had not have x, then he would be the perfect partner. I was thinking all the time. I said myself: you have to love everything of him. I couldn’t eat, sleep and work. When I was not with him I was having those intrusive thoughts. But later I was checking my feelings when he was with me. I thought I could fall in love with other, so I was checking my feelings with other men. Than the panics started. One moment I feel love and ten minutes later I didn’t feel.
    I went to a therapist and he adviced to take some time. Than I thought : do I miss my boyfriend. And I thought I didn’t, so than the relation is not ok. So I broke the relation ship. Now, 3 months later I don’t understand it. Was it just a question of lost feelings of due the ROCD?
    I can’t say I miss very much the person, because I was so nervous and really sick en ill all the time. He still loves me. What do I have to do? Is it possible that the ROCD let disappear your feelings? I am looking our photos and I don’t know anymore how it was.
    And yes, this has happened a few time now in other relationships.

  • Cate

    Hi, please can someone help me.
    I am 21 and met my boyfriend two years ago. We sort of “fell into” the relationship and I don’t think I was head over heels in love, but he was. I loved everything about him, he was kind, generous, dotes on me, we can talk about anything, family loves him and we like the same activities and generally have a great time together! BUT, ever since the beginning I’ve had this nagging gut feeling that something is missing. Recently the thoughts have become SO intrusive that I broke up with him. It was heat of the moment and the next day I told my friends and they all said the same thing “you did the right thing, someone out there will be the same but you’ll have that feeling” and “when you KNOW you KNOW”- and I don’t know! Which is why I broke it off! But I WANT it to work so badly! My question is, can I make this relationship work despite these feelings? He is everything that I want but these thoughts and feelings are upsetting and I’ve been very ill. We’re meeting tomorrow and I want to say lets give it another go but I don’t want to “lead him along” if it will just end in another break up.
    PLEASE HELP, I’m scared to death.

    • Arielp

      Dear Cate,
      I’ve been in the same situation but I DIDN’T broke it off! One thing I can tell you from my personal experience is – your friends are always going to support you no matter what you do. If you break up they’ll tell you that someone better will come, if you wanna stay with him they will tell you you two are good together (if there’s no red flags)… Basically they say the things you want to hear at that moment because they care for you. It doesn’t mean they are right, you know? Because the cannot know for sure, just like you can never be 100% sure. And forget about that “when you KNOW you KNOW” thing! It is one of the biggest misconceptions ever. I thought I KNEW with my ex; our story was Disney material in my head from the moment we met and I was million percent sure he was the ONE … But then he left me and went with another girl… We never fought, never had big arguments… And that just goes to show that no, you cannot KNOW! No matter how magical/wrong it feels. All you can do is TRUST and stay with the feelings and do everything you can to understand where they’re coming form and not act on them till you find your piece of mind. Let me know how it went and stay strong.

    • Cate

      thank you so much for your reply, I honestly don’t know what to do. I am in such a comfortable relationship and I am happy so it seems like I’m self-sabotaging but sometimes a voice in my head sayss “are you really happy or is this fake?” It gets to me so much!
      How is your relationship now? Were you honest with your partner? It’s like I don’t know if these thoughts are just self-sabotage or if I really need to listen to them.

      • Arielp

        I know exactly how you feel! Everything you describe has happened to me. Girl, I’ve been through hell and back – sickness, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think/work/study, obsessing 24/7, felt like the world is coming to an end literally! I read through this website and I still come back when the anxiety hits (like it did last weekend), went to therapy and read a lot of books that were recommended and all that helped immensely! I still go through the periods of total bliss, when I’m loving and opened and periods of total worry and doubt… Just like you, in a comfortable relationship and happy, yet at times “something is missing” and the voices start buzzing like “maybe there’s someone else, maybe this is not it, maybe it will be like this forever” and I am getting better and better at shushing those voices and breathing and not allowing the anxiety to take control… Saving $$$ for the course and in the meantime reading more books and doing the inner work. I highly that you get “Hold me tight” by Sue Johnson – Sheryl has recommended it many times, it is very soothing and comforting book based on an actual facts and not some mambo-jumbo quasi theory. I downloaded an e-book and I’m loving it so far. We can do this! 🙂

  • Sonya

    Dear Sheryl,
    Thank you!!! Finding this website is such a relief. I’ve been married to the most amazing man with a great relationship for 2.5 years, we have the same values, enjoy doing the same things, want the same things out of life. He cares about me so much, is totally committed, and would do and has done anything and everything for me, he is understanding, he teaches me so much about myself, and I’ve always believed we’re meant to travel through the ups and downs of life together. Then, just over a month ago I visited my sister and she was a confused mess and told me she was thinking of leaving her husband. Then I immediatly had to drive interstate for a 10 day yoga course. From that drive until now, I have had the most crippling anxiety, I havn’t been able eat, work or do anything. Something triggered a voice inside saying “you need to leave”, and all sorts of other stories and much of the thought other people here have shared. It scares the hell out of me, and I know it doesn’t make any sense, it doen’t reflect the reality of what I have. I have been so afraid that the thought must be real, but I know deep inside I’m just afraid, but I want the anxiety to stop. I want to be able to love my husband without feeling inadequate or like I’m pretending, and recieve his unconditional love without my anxiety being triggered.
    I have always been an extreamly anxious person with very low confidence, and have suffered from an eating disorder in the past. My childhood was also traumic, there was no love between my parents. Mum only married with my dad because they had me, and she only stayed married until I was 16 because she didn’t want me and my sisters to have divorced parents. But in the end she took a restraining order out on him, for all of our safety.
    Sorry…I’ve rambled on a bit, but that’s basically my situation – do I have relationship anxiety? Can I go beyond this? Can I stay I my relationship and fully enjoy and appreaciate it?

  • Nick

    Dear Sheryl,

    I have been reading through your site on and off for the past couple months and I am motivated by your words and videos. I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 10 years. When we met I was in a very anxious place, having gone through a traumatic experience with someone else I was dating and a I was betrayed. My anxiety took hold of my situation and turned it into a monster of risk and shame that made it very difficult for me to date or trust anyone, even myself. When my partner and I met we had a few dates, they were a bit challenging because he was so quiet and I am well, not (haha). I was in my mid-20’s and had never had a relationship longer than a few weeks and neither had he. As we became more intimate he tolerated my high anxiety around contamination and helped me with my anxiety at work as well. He was and continues to be my rock when it comes to my anxiety. I can honestly say that outside of my, family he is the only person I have ever completely trusted. I know that I care deeply for him and his happiness is important to me, but I find myself inundated with thoughts like “you don’t love him”, “you don’t know what love is”, “this is just your first real relationship”, “he is not attractive enough”, or “he’s not witty/funny enough”. While it’s true that we are very different and clash a lot (I’m an ENFP and he’s an ISTJ/INTJ) we have worked on our communication and get along great most of the time. I have had three separate bouts of high relationship anxiety/OCD over the past 10 years, the most recent one lasting almost a full year now. He has been patient with me, but I know we both want to move forward and enjoy life. Sometimes I think that maybe I need to listen to my gut and move on, but I really cant think of anything important that is missing in our relationship. Sure I could find someone more athletic or muscular or funny or outgoing, but at what cost. We share our values, or moral, our health decisions and life goals, shouldn’t those be more important? Can your program help me find the clarity and confidence to move forward in my life? I want to move forward inside or outside of this relationship, but with confidence that I am making the right choice. The thought of hurting him, his family, and our friends causes me great discomfort and distress.

    Thank you

  • Nick

    Sheryl,

    Thank you for your reply. Anxiety and obsessive thinking have been part of my life in episodes for as long as I can remember. It has attached itself to contamination, jobs, you name it. With my relationship o find it harder to label it, perhaps because relationship are so amorphous and anxiety craves impossible certainty. I know doubt and anxiety about my partner and I had plagued me thoughoit our relationship, but most of the time I was able to kick them back down. Now it feels like an eruption I can’t control and I feel paralyzed. Feeling liked may regret leaving and be anxious and uncertain forever should I stay. I do think I am leaning towards investing in your course e-course. What portion of folks are like me, where they never experienced the full honeymoon period and have persisted with doubts and apprehension for years? Is it common?

    Thanks, Nick

    • The majority of those on the e-course are lifelong sufferers of anxiety and never had a honeymoon period. Have you taken the assessment on this page? Both points are addressed there.

  • Needs

    Dear Sheryl,
    Literally wanted to purchase this course but just had to check whether it’s for me. Been struggling with rel.anxiety for months and finally managed to make some changes and to follow the schedule of activities and felt pretty good after a long time! But then my fiance confronted me how he feels left out, I seem uninterested in him or any activity with him (and I guess I do act like that), how he feels as if I don’t care for him as much as he does for me, how he feels hurt and so on… and it beaks my heart to pieces to hear something like that! Especially after I thought that I / We were doing well, you know? So I cried a lot and felt like OMG what if that was true!? Remembering my therapist’s words “Don’t assume you don’t love him, you cannot know that… That is up for him to decide and feel” and thought this was it, this is the proof… I was feeling ok he was feeling hurt, I didn’t know… Now maybe he thinks I don’t love him as much and maybe it’s true!? And there we go into the anxiety pit.
    SORRY for such a long post, I wanted to make it short and just ask what do you think, is this course the right one? I’ve read so much from this site and so many book recommendations… kinda feeling like a hopeless case!
    Thank you in advance! BP

  • Is this normal? I'm scared :(

    I have been suffering with what I think it relationship anxiety for about 4 weeks now.

    My boyfriend is wonderful and all I could ever ask for. We had/have a very strong relationship and love each other very very much.

    After having the sudden intrusive thought about doubting my feelings (very randomly) within the same 10 seconds i went from being happy and in love to anxious and empty. At first I was anxious and sick. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function. Then three weeks later I started to feel better. I became more positive and felt that this anxiety would pass if I just took the necessary steps and maybe got help.

    This week, I feel numb and empty. The thing that is upsetting me the most, is how far away I feel from my boyfriend. At times he feels like a stranger in my mind. When i’m with him I feel so disconnected from him. Yesterday I met up with him in the morning and I felt so far away from him even though he was sitting right beside me, I couldn’t help but burst into tears. Why do I feel so far away and disconnected from the person who always felt like home to me? I can barely remember what I felt like when I was happy now. I’m really scared and upset and I just want to feel how I did. Is this normal? What can I do?

    (I’m currently saving the money to take this course) is there anything i can do in the mean time? I’m so scared i’ve never felt this weird before. I don’t want him to feel like a stranger. Is it too late for me?

    • You’re describing relationship anxiety to a tee, so yes, you’re normal! If you can’t afford the course, I suggest that you read through my site from the beginning. Many people have been enormously helped through their relationship anxiety just from my blog alone.

      • Is this normal? I'm scared :(

        Thank you Sheryl. In my moments of clarity i realise that it is my anxiety and I know that i’m being ridiculous. I’ve always known you have to fight for what you want, I just never thought that it would be against myself!

        Thank you for your response, I’ll read through your blog fully! I found your break free blog when i first started struggling and now i’m back. I took the relationship anxiety test and i ticked almost all the boxes! I feel much more reassured after your response, so thank you. And thank you for helping all the other people who are suffering too, i’m so glad that someone has bought relationship anxiety to light and can potentially save hundreds of relationships.

        Thank you.

  • Worried

    Hi Sheryl.
    I’ve gone through a lot of intrusive thoughts the last few months about my amazing boyfriend. Fear of losing him, fear I don’t love him, fear because he’s my first relationship and we’re so young, fear we won’t work out. I definitely suffer from relationship anxiety/ROCD. But I’m working through it and I’m saving money to buy this e-course.
    While searching for summer jobs, something that’s very stressful for me, I suddenly got afraid I would get a job working with some guy that I would develop a crush on or something similar, and that terrifies me because I only wanna have feelings for my guy. Fear of getting a crush has never been an issue for me before the anxiety, my guy is the only one who’s been in my heart. Sure I’ve found other guys attractive, but I haven’t been interested in anyone. I’m afraid I will be in the future.

    Please help!!!!

    Is this a normal intrusive thought to have while suffering from relationship anxiety? I’m so terrified of losing him. I love him so much. I never want to love anyone but him. Is that what my anxious intrusive thoughts about falling for someone else/crushing on someone else is about? Fear of losing him?

    • Yes, it’s a very common intrusive thought, and most often connected to the fear of loss and also lack of self-trust. We have control over where we send our energy. In other words, crushes don’t just “happen to us”, and when we trust ourselves, we trust that we will and can create a watertight relationship:

      http://conscious-transitions.com/a-watertight-marriage/

      • Worried

        Thank you for responding!
        I can see how my fear of getting a crush is about both loss and lack of self-trust. My relationship anxiety comes largely from fear of loss, and I think that because I’ve been going through all this anxiety, doubt and intrusive thoughts it has lead me to lose trust in myself. I’m still afraid it’ll happen, even tho I’m focusing on learning that intrusive thoughts are not my true feelings, and I’m working on a watertight relationship – which my relationship was 100% before the anxiety started, and still is seeing as I haven’t actually fallen for anyone else, I’m just afraid of it. My main fear right now is that I’ll find someone attractive, and my anxiety will attach meaning to that – even though attraction doesn’t mean I actually wanna be with that other guy. I’ve read on this site that anxiety can hang its hat on feeling attraction towards someone else and making it into a bigger thing than it is.

      • Worried

        So I can beat this right? Other people have?

  • Can I 'get my relationship back'?

    HI Sheryl,

    Sorry, i’ve posted a few comments now, I just find your guidance invaluable and wish so much I had the money to purchase this course 🙁

    The intrusive thoughts and anxiety has left me with all these horrible feelings. A lot of the time when I’m with my boyfriend I just feel like something is wrong and I am not able to fully immerse myself into the relationship and feel my love, and i’m not sure why. To sum it up: even when i am not having intrusive thoughts, I have intrusive feelings. Is that normal?

    I am working through my anxiety, and working through it can be really scary. I’m trying not to fall down the rabbit hole of ‘i’m not worried or anxious anymore, that means i don’t care.’ because i know that drops me back to square one. I’m a bit scared because my intrusive thoughts have less power over me but i still seem to be struggling. I haven’t felt genuinely happy for a while now. I know it’s not my boyfriend, and that its my anxiety that’s caused me to feel this way, but I just wish I could feel happy and in love! I also feel really distant and disconnected from my partner, which breaks my heart. It’s like I can barely remember what it felt like before all this anxiety started.

    Is it normal for the anxiety to convince you that you haven’t felt happy when you have? (Weird question).

    I would describe my relationship as a bubble at the moment. A lot of the time, i feel i am out of the bubble and trying to get in but I can’t find a way. Then there are the rare times where I find myself in the bubble, but when I am aware I am in the bubble it pops and reforms with me outside of it. Does that make sense?

    I’m just rambling now I suppose, sorry if this isn’t very clear as my head is jumbled up and scared at the moment.

    My question is, do you think that despite these horrible feeling that the thoughts have left me with, I can feel connected and truely happy and in love with my boyfriend again like before?

    Also, do you believe healing comes in stages? I feel i’ve improved from where I was when this all started (7 long weeks ago) but my stages have sort of gone like this:

    Anxious-Anxious and Depressed-Depressed and numb- Numb and empty- Empty but Anxious- Anxious- Less Anxious- Disorientated (Not much anxiety but head is not really sure what’s what, still not clear). Would you say these phases are normal? Everytime I get scared because my mind isn’t clear I always just try to tell myself ‘it’s okay, you’re just entering the next stage.’

    Sorry for the confusing ramble!! Thank you for reading.

  • Can I 'get my relationship back'?

    Ah sorry!! I also meant to ask, is it common for anxiety to flip itself?

    About 3 monthes ago I was convinced my boyfriend was breaking up with me (triggered by a conversation that i got the wrong end of the stick of) and it was really upsetting. It was the same day that I realised that I was being ridiculous and that he wasn’t breaking up with me, that the thought ‘what if i don’t love him’ kicked in. Which is obviously a stupid thought as a week before I had been devastated at the thought of him leaving me. I wonder if maybe because I realised he wasn’t leaving me and i opened myself back up to love that that’s why I had that initial ‘what if i don’t love him thought’ because I was scared of getting hurt again subconsciously?

    I’ll stop with the spam now haha, sorry 🙁

    • Extremely common for anxiety to flip. It’s the flip side of the same coin, which is the coin of “Enough.” So it goes from “Am I enough?” to “Is he enough?” And underneath all of that is the fear of loss.

  • Laurie Perez

    Does this e course work for intrusive thoughts without relationship anxiety? My thoughts are from surprised emotions.

  • Anne Marie

    Hi Sheryl,

    I have read through some of your blog posts as well as others’ comments and your replies, and wow, your website/e-course is so serendipitous! I have had obsessive anxiety for as long as I can remember (fear of being homosexual, fear of God forcing me to be a nun, etc), but in terms of my relationship anxiety (rOCD), I thought it was certainly abnormal and an indication of a problem in my relationship. I have experienced this in every one of my romantic relationships, but my relationship with my boyfriend now has brought it on the strongest. In fact, we broke up for about 4 months because I thought my doubts and fears were a problem and I felt guilty for continuing, but the love I feel for him is immense and truly special. I couldn’t make sense of fear and love existing so strongly at the same time, it didn’t seem to be a problem anyone around me was having. I’ve always been afraid to bring it up to anyone else because I anticipated they’d tell me my relationship was wrong and I should leave, which isn’t what I want to do. I have done a tremendous amount of researching and journaling to be aware that my anxious thoughts are not how I truly feel.

    The anxiety comes and goes, though. A lot of the intrusive thoughts that others have, I struggle with as well. I fluctuate from feeling intense love and connection to my partner to intense anxiety and doubt. I, too, have had thoughts like “do I love him enough?” “what if I find someone else attractive/develop a crush on someone else?” “what if I’m not attracted enough to my partner?” “what if I don’t feel connected all the time?” What is plaguing me most recently is introducing him to my family, an important transition for me. I’ve kept my relationship fairly private because my relationship anxiety can only think of negative results: my family won’t like him, he won’t like my family, my family will sense that I have anxiety and tell me that he’s not right for me, etc. I feel really seriously about him, I can see a future with him and really value his companionship, but we come from relatively different backgrounds (financially and politically) and this gives me anxiety. If I’m honest, it’s like my anxiety finds something to attach to, what means most to me, and in this case, it’s my relationship. Do you address the meeting-the-family transition at all in your course, or anywhere on your website?

    I never knew how normal it is to feel this way, and I can’t tell you how soothed I am to know that there are many others that feel as I do and have overcome their fears. I don’t have the money to buy your e-course at this time, but I plan to in the future. I have been reading your blog posts and “screen-shot” some of them to read when anxiety strikes. I think breaking free from relationship anxiety has a lot to do with unlearning much of the unrealistic expectations that I was indoctrinated with through many romance novels/movies/poems. Your website makes me feel less alone, and I just want to thank you for all of your warm, thoughtful words. I look forward to your e-course 🙂

    • Dear Anne Marie: Thank you for your comment, and I’m so glad you found your way here. To answer your question, I haven’t written exactly on that topic but, as you’ve already accurately intuited, anxiety will hang its hat on any hook. In other words, the current storyline is much less important than is the underlying anxiety, mental traps and expectations that lead to the obsession. That’s what you will learn about as you continue to read through my site and, eventually, with the course. The course is a gift waiting for you when you’re ready. It will help you break free not only from your relationship anxiety but also from the obsessive anxiety that has plagued you your entire life.

  • worrier96

    Hi Sheryl,

    I registered for the forum yesterdat, but have not received the email telling me my account has been activated. Is this to do with the 3 week waiting period or has there been a problem with my email?

    Thanks!

  • AJ

    Hello!

    Relationship anxiety hit me hard a few months ago and it’s been living hell, all the mentioned stuff above and more have been blasting through my brain and given me so much anxiety. I’m looking forward to buying the course as soon as I can. However, since yesterday I have barely had any anxiety. I’ve had intrusive thoughts but they haven’t given me even close to as much anxiety as before. Instead I’m obsession about why I’m not anxious anymore.

    Is this a sign that I don’t have relationship anxiety, or is it just the way relationship anxiety works; going up and down?

    • worrier96

      Hey AJ,

      Just thought i’d chime in here. Anxiety can fluctuate, but your body can only take being highly anxious for so long! What often happens is a bit of a numb/empty feeling that is often mistaken for calmness. I’ve had this many times where i’ve had intrusive thoughts that don’t spark anxiety, in fact I am like that nearly all the time now (but that’s because i’ve been doing the work). It doesn’t mean that you don’t have relationship anxiety, think of it as entering a new layer! I always tried to use my ‘numb’ times to turn inward! Just thought I’d reply since i’ve experienced this before!

  • worrier96

    To anyone considering purchasing the course,

    It is the best gift you can give yourself. Honestly, I have only been on the course for about a month but my anxiety has decreased daily. Since starting the course so many people have commented on how much more myself I seem, how much happier I am, and it’s true. I’m learning so much about myself, love, transitions and i’m starting to feel much more comfortable and happy around my boyfriend again. I was so scared that if I took the course I might learn so much about myself that I would ‘outgrow’ my partner or discover that my ‘truth’ was to leave. This is such a common worry when purchasing the course, but honestly it’s really not likely, no matter how bad your Relationship Anxiety is.

    The work i’m learning on the course is invaluable, and I thought I was a lost cause. I’ve still got tons of work to do, I’m still not quite where I want to be yet, but I am so so so much better then how I was when this all began.

    If you take this course, it means you’ll learn firstly and most importantly: your intrusive thoughts, feelings, doubts, images, dreams etcetc, are NOT about your partner. Hard to understand, but it’s true. There is always something deeper underneath, and it is only when you turn inward and commit to this work, that you will start to understand. You’ll also learn about real love, projections (so so important and useful), intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them, plus you become a part of a forum full of people who have ALL been through what you are going through.

    Okay, i’ll stop now. I just wanted to express my appreciation for the course so far and maybe help others take the leap to purchase the course. I really really honestly thought I was the exception, but I’ve discovered I really am not, i am exactly like everyone else here. Chances are, you are too!

    Anyway,

    Thank you Sheryl for helping us grow and learn, and not walk away from healthy, happy relationships when our fear voices take control. Thank you for helping me FINALLY understand my anxiety that has been living since I was 14. I’ve still got so much to learn, but I’m becoming more and more curious and so much less afraid.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

  • Hi Sheryl,

    I’m interested in taking this online course from you. I’ve been reading your blog for months – ever since I became engaged, my anxiety became out of control. When I first met my partner I felt elated, and a sense of peace, and since becoming engaged I over analyze everything and am constantly googling. I know it’s because I’m terrified to make a mistake and the biggest reoccurring fear that gets me is that he’s like my dad. My dad was not the best dad and my partner shares surface traits with him (love of cars, outgoing guy, animated, man’s man, loves machines) and even though my dad was very negative, verbally abusive, and absent my current partner is the opposite – very supportive and encouraging, positive, and a great listener and advice giver. Even though I know this, the anxiety is still sucking me in. And I even catch myself acting like my mom (eek!) I’m desperate for help, I don’t want to lose a beautiful partner out of fear and I don’t want to marry the wrong person out of fear either. I’m grateful for any help that will get me through this! Xo

    • Your fears are normal. Once you sign up for the course, you can stop googling and receive the information, tools, and support that you need in order to break through the anxiety so that you don’t walk away from a wonderful partner.

  • Sally

    Hi!

    I have many intrusive thoughts that don’t seem to be mentioned often, but that I do think are connected to my relationship anxiety since they only came after that started. I keep having thoughts like I can’t do *insert activity* if I’m in a relationship. Sometimes it’s completely crazy stuff like I can’t have a stalker if I have a boyfriend – I DON’T EVEN WANT A STALKER. and other times it’s more down to earth, everyday stuff, that being with my amazing boyfriend 100% wouldn’t stop me from being able to do, tho I feel like my mind is screaming at me that it will and so I shouldn’t be with him.

    It doesn’t help that all the anxiety makes it hard to feel my love for him.

    Is this normal and a part of relationship anxiety? Will the e-course help with this?

    • Yes, Section 3 of the course focuses on healing from intrusive thoughts, which is what you’re struggling with in the context of relationship anxiety. All normal, and all workable once you dive into working the tools and information presented in the course.

  • Kristoff

    Can’t help but to wonder if I can ever get back to being exited and wanting a future with my girlfriend. Even tho the infatuation stage has ended long ago, I still love her very much (although now the thought “do I really” came up). I used to want nothing more than live with her and share my life with her, but ever since the anxiety started I can’t see it, cant feel it. It just feels like I can never be happy in that way again and that I’ll never be at a place again where I can be exited over something like moving in with her again…is it truly possible to get back to that?

    • Yes, it’s absolutely possible to get that back. It’s what happens when you learn to get underneath the anxiety/fear, which is shutting down your heart and causing you to see through fear-eyes.

  • Anna

    I’m having a real hard time with relationship anxiety when it comes to being young and in my first relationship. We got together at 16, and are now 18. The pressure from society and stuff about dating around is so strong! I’m afraid of waking up one day and regretting having only ever been with one guy, wondering what it would be like to be with someone else – but he’s so great and I don’t wanna break up with him for something like that but the thoughts still go on and on. I also realise that people can doubt stuff like that even if they’ve dated other people before.

    I just…I feel so hopeless. I wanna be able to find happiness and serenity and still be with my first love without regretting it. I read the part about Kiyomi who got better and now looks forward to spending her life with her boyfriend who she met very young, but I don’t know if she had doubts about not having been with anyone else. I’m just wondering if it’s truly possible to get through and over this?

    • worrier96

      Just thought I’d comment because, although this isn’t my first relationship, I’m in a young relationship and have only had 2 boyfriends before. Just thought I’d let you know that I too have had similar thoughts to yours, and so many others in the first relationship/young relationships have! They’re just intrusive thoughts. If you take the course and/or do the inner work you’ll realise a lot of these thoughts base themselves on false beliefs just for example, I can see one of your false beliefs as ‘If I am in love I will never want to wonder what it’s like to be single or to be with someone else’ which is exactly the same false belief I had, when in reality wondering about these things is completely normal and it doesn’t matter how much you love your partner, you will probably think about this things at some point, and that’s completely normal and not a sign you need to leave!

      Think of it this way, if you’re learning about this stuff now, you’re lucky because it’s stuff that you can carry with you throughout your whole life!

      You’re not alone!

      • Anna

        You’re right, thank you.
        I guess I’m just terrified of waking up one day when I’m older and having a total mental breakdown and leave him because I never dated anyone else. But it’s just a bunch of false beliefs and ideals that our society pushes on us I suppose. I just want this to all go away! My mind won’t shut up.

        • worrier96

          I really would recommend the course!! It will help you stop getting so immersed into these thoughts and all the mind ‘chatter’. If you can’t afford the course, read through Sheryls blog as much as you can, it helped me so much when I wasn’t in a position to buy the course!

  • Bree

    I too am in a first relationship and am suffering from relationship anxiety. I think many of the same thoughts as you Anna and Worrier96.

    What I am most worried about at the moment is the transition from high school to collage. I graduate next year and I’m worried about if me and my boyfriend will break up, if maybe I’ll want that in the future. Everyone says you should go into college alone, and I fear that I’ll want that or that my fear based self will say I want that through my relationship anxiety 🙁

    Sheryl, what is your opinion on the transition from high school to college? Any tips on how to make it through that without breaking up with you boyfriend? Since transitions can spike relationship anxiety…I’m just so worried

  • ellen

    Hi Sheryl, I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for 5 and half years, over the last two years we began talking about marriage and he shared his concerns with me about marriage since his parents are divorced and he hasn’t had many good marriages around him and so the thought of marriage gave him concerns and made him feel anxious. He has said then and continues to say that he loves me and doesn’t want to break up and he has even gone to a therapist to try to help move forward to become comfortable with marriage. Two years have passed and things have not changed, we are both in our early 30s now and marriage remains something that is still important to me. I am now having my own anxiety about our relationship and the future. I was wondering if you think your courses would be helpful for us and if so which course your would recommend for me and for him and/or if there is a course we should take together. Thank You.

  • Blueberry

    Dear Sheryl,
    I wan’t to join the course but I have a question – I know the love is giving, and currently my partner is doing all the giving and I don’t feel like returning much. He noticed how I became “cold” as he said, and that makes me so sad. I didn’t want him to notice because I didn’t know what is happening with me. We had a beautiful, honest and loving relationship and last year I just shut down. There are/were no fights or anything like that, no communication problems, I just felt like I don’t love him as I used to, you know? That comes in waves, I am working on this myself as much as I can. I am worried now, I don’t want to continue being cold and I want do more loving actions but I seem to lack will to do so, I’m always “tired”, “not tin the mood quite yet”, “busy with other things”… I was never like that.
    What do you think happened and would any of your courses be beneficial in me getting to act lovingly and FEEL the security more often than doubt? He’s a wonderful person that I was looking forward to marrying, and I’m over here being ungrateful and taking it for granted.
    Thank you so much!

    • Yes, this course would be enormously helpful to you. You need to get underneath the shut down and start to connect directly with your core fears and beliefs.

      • Blueberry

        Do you think I can do it myself?! I’ve been reading through your website since last year, I went to therapy last year, read many many great and helpful books, reeaaally tried working on myself and I think I have improved a lot but I don’t understand that now, instead of anxiety, I feel disconnected from everything and I guess I’m projecting my stress on everything and everyone (I am expected to graduate in June and I feel overwhelmed and distant, unmotivated in general).
        Your work has been very beneficial and God knows where I’d been whiteout it, thank you.

        • It’s definitely possible to do the work alone but there’s a different level of support and information that gets integrated when you take the course. I know it’s an investment but please know that the work extends far beyond relationship anxiety and will help you transition through your graduation and into the rest of your life with much more confidence and serenity.

  • Claudia Martinez

    When will the course begin?

  • Jewel

    Hi Sheryl. If you are reading this, please answer. Even a simple yes or no would be a huge help. I emailed you prior to posting this, but changed my name on the forum for privacy reasons. I am currently 22 years old. I met my current partner when I was 17. He was not my first relationship but he was the first serious one. All of the others left me or vice versa.I would not say that I was infatuated with him, but I did like him a lot, and he liked me too. He was avalabile. Something that didn’t really happen in my other relationships. We were so happy until one night the thought,”Do I really love him?” crossed my mind. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not sleep or eat. I decided I would break up with him the next day. He came over and I told him I do not think that I loved him anymore.That I didn’t even know if I ever did. We both broke down and I couldn’t go through with it. I can’t explain why, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do, so I clung to him. I stayed at his house the whole summer.”me being 18 and him 17 at this time.”And the anxiety never went away. I just felt horrible and question after question ran through my head. I stayed because he was amazing and I didn’t want to lose him. 4 years later and I still have the anxiety. I have been on medication and I do have some clear days where I love him, but most of the time I think about him and feel miserable and I do not know why. So I start thinking of different scenarios. Most of which are,”Do you love him?” “Why is he so annoying?” “What if he doesn’t love you?” “I feel anxiety so this must mean something is wrong.””Our routine is boring and it shouldn’t be.” “Am I just a commitment phobe?” Even when when we have fun together, my heart sinks and I do not know why. Most recently I have just been feeling irritated and sometimes resentful towards him.I take offense to everything. Its getting to the point where I am just accepting the fact that he isn’t right for me, or I am not made to be in relationships. I really do not want that to be the case, and it hurts so badly to think that is the reason but I feel so lost. It has been 4 years of this and I am so tired. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t know what to do. I also suffer from low self esteem and depression/anxiety.I have a lot of family issues, and a painful past, but all I can seem to worry about is my relationship. I just want to be happy and normal. Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about myself, and if I do learn about myself, I will leave my relationship or learn I am not ready to continue it. I really really don’t want that to be the case. Traditional therapy did not help me. I often feel severely aggitated and offended, also hopeless. My questions to you are, can I feel anxiety towards my partner without a cause? I think of just him and my heart sinks and my gut churns.I am not sure if this is because my brain has related HIM to anxiety or what. Is there a cure for this when I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s the main cause? If I don’t want to leave my partner, can I learn to become free and happy with him? I am highly considering purchasing your break free from relationship anxiety e-course. I just want to know if you honestly think I can benefit from the above. I feel like I have no idea what a relationship is or what I should feel like/be in one. Even though I have been in one for almost 5 years! All I know is every fiber of my being is screaming at me to leave, but I don’t want too. It is so uncomfortable. 🙁 Can this help me when I sometimes just feel like I am a bad person and my anxiety is really who I inside, and I am just afraid to embrace it? I have been reading your articles for a long time, but have been hesitant to purchase the e-course in fear that there is no saving for me. Please, please reply. I am at the end of my rope and so lost as to what to do. I very much need your help. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! Also if anyone from the forum has any advice or success stories, please feel feel to reply. I would highly appreciate it!

    • If you read through my site you’ll find the answers to all of your questions. So yes, you’re in the right place and the course would absolutely address what you’re struggling with.

  • TH19

    Sheryl,
    I believe that my wife has been in a state of anxiety for most of her life. As a teen she was the rock for her family. Her dad was emotionally unavailable, a criminal and master manipulator. and she became the person that her mother and siblings came to trust as the oldest child. Now, after 16 years of marriage she has had an emotional affair that lasted 15 months until I caught her this past March. We have been in counseling, but she is struggling to open up and communicate with me. There have been 5 things that I believe have led to her depression, the affair and to our current situation:
    1. We moved away from our home town and our families 6 years ago. As I shared above, she is very close to her family.
    2. I have been very focused on my career, been emotionally unavailable and disconnected. I’m very willing to change and I’m taking great strides towards that change.
    3. We had a child just over 2 years ago and the post pardum was worse than the previous 2 pregnancies. We were also away from family.
    4. The affair itself and her guilt over it
    5. Our 2 year old has been diagnosed with a genetic disorder 7 months ago

    She has said to me that she”s only felt “it” for me a few times. That she’s trying to be honest with herself. That her heart says one thing but her head says the other.

    My life coach sent me to your site to see that I’m not the only guy that has a wife/girlfriend/S-O that is dealing with these issues. My heart breaks for these people. My heart is becoming broken.

    Here’s my dilemma. I badly want her to take your course, however, if I’m the person that introduces the course to her she will see it as “He’s trying to fix me.” I can’t fix her, I can only fix me. I love her with all my heart, mind and soul. She told me that she is in the deepest, darkest pit of unhappiness of her life. I want to help… How?

    How do I share your work with her? Can I do anything other than just be there for her?

    • My heart goes out to you, and your love and devotion is beautiful. I suggest that you send her a few of my articles and see where they land in her. And yes, it certainly sounds like the course would be ideal for her, but only if she’s ready for it.

  • luisa virgara

    Hi Sheryl,
    I would like to complete the “Relationship Anxiety” course and also “Trust Yourself”
    Both are equally pressing and overlapping and have been for a year now. Obviously something arising for me to look at. Which do you recommend I complete first? I should add, I can see the way I am being at the moment is greatly affecting my partner.
    Thank you
    Luisa

    • Definitely completely Break Free first, especially since I won’t be running Trust Yourself for another few months (a round just ended) and you can sign up for Break Free at any time.

  • AmJu

    Having future based intrusive thoughts saying I’ll still love my boyfriend in the future, but that I’m just gonna wanna leave him anyways. Not for any special reason, but that I’ll just lose that part of me that wants to be with him somehow and that it’ll feel “right”. It feels so real and like it’s just doomed to happen, my mind keeps going what if what if what if. It terrifies me because it doesn’t make sense, why would I wanna leave him just like that for no reason if I love him and if I do all the work and learn how to grow love and maintain a real relationship?

    Sheryl do you even think it’s possible for that to just happen in a real, loving relationship? Is is maybe the relationship anxiety and the intrusive thoughts sneaking up on you in another way?

    • coscious-laura

      Hi AmJu

      Im not Sheryl but I see so much of myself in your thoughts. I absolutely think that is possible – it happens to me all the time. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Sometimes I have months where everything is fine and then some day for no particular reason the fear comes back.

      I have more or less completed this course and I have gotten so much better – I still get intrusive thoughts, but I am much better at handling them and ultimately, I even forget about them after a while. They are the most terrifying thing in the world, it is a fear so strong that it literally takes away your ability to breathe. Those questions starting with “what if” and this just starts a chain of thoughts like a domino, and you just get in this horrible cycle. This is fear speaking, not your true loving self. It is something that I have learnt in this course and also while talking to a counsellor for a few months.

      I would recommend for you to do the course just out of my own personal experience. And also those blogs – I have them printed out and always carry them in my handbag with me. Just that little bit of extra security 🙂

      http://conscious-transitions.com/feeding-the-demons-of-intrusive-thoughts/

      and this one

      http://conscious-transitions.com/intrusive-thoughts/

      and my absolute favourite which is the first blog I ever read after literally googling “scared of not loving my partner anymore”

      http://conscious-transitions.com/am-i-just-convincing-myself-that-i-love-him/

      I hope this helps a bit 🙂

      Take care

      Laura

  • Kris

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’m so happy I found this website.

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years. We’ve never lived in the same city, which works because our schedules are so crazy busy during the weeks and even some weekends. We’ve worked hard to not go more than six weeks without seeing each other.

    He’s the best man I’ve ever met, and I want to choose him as my life partner. Three months ago if he asked me to marry him I would have said yes.

    In about six months, I’ll be at a place in my career/life (graduation from grad school, while working full time) to move to the same city. It’s close to my family, my best friend and there are about five places I would actually considering working at.

    But I feel like I’m giving up a lot for this, and I really don’t like losing control to make decisions not just for me. I have anxiety about the uncertainty of the job search and if I’ll actually find a job I want to do in the time frame I need it to happen – I’ve always identified myself by what I do for a living and I worked really hard to get where I am. I feel frustrated and angry at having to make the majority of the sacrifices, even though I know he is and the foundation we’ve built in our relationship is worth it (even if my intrusive thoughts try to convince me otherwise), and the anger is all directed at him, although he’s done nothing wrong. If I don’t learn how to let go of control now, I’m going to run away from every relationship.

    I had my first intrusive thought two months ago, which was a “I’m really going to miss this” as I was hugging him. The straight fear of having a thought I didn’t mean to have that I didn’t WANT to have threw me into a battle of anxiety that led to not sleeping, not eating and a huge meltdown in front of my partner who assured me it was OK, that he loved me, and that I was normal, proving to me over and over that he’s the most supportive and understanding man.

    The intrusive thoughts continue, and the worst part is that sometimes they feel really real. “Maybe I don’t really love him”, “You don’t get excited/turned on when you look at him; instead you feel disgusted and anxious when you look at him” this feeling is met with a visceral response, “you feel guilty when he says how much he wants you and you can’t reciprocate those feelings”, “just get it over with already”. All of these thoughts are met with a “no, no, no, no, no!”

    I understand that I might not get back to how I felt before and that trying to get back to those incredibly happy times/feelings is exhausting. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, and realize that these intrusive thoughts shall pass as I remember the “good days”.

    I’m thinking about taking your course and I really want my truth to be him.

  • Eileen

    not sure how to reply to a message but just wanted to say AmJu that what you wrote about I personally think is relationship anxiety. Sometimes I have similar thoughts. I was just reading on Sheryls blog about adolescent versions of love and it resonated with me as does your post that for me its something to do with that. I personally dont think you just ‘fall out of love’ so one day will wake up and think ‘oh my gosh what am I doing’. Im trying to live and ‘be’ in the now as its all we have but that is sooooo hard. Im going through a transistion through loss and have been this past years so a lot of my anxiety is based on fear of loss (as Sheryl has covered so wonderfully on her blog). Every day we learn and thats the hardest lesson of all. As we know by now through here what is missing in us? ITs nothing to do with our lovely partners is it? sorry for the essay.

    • coscious-laura

      Hi Eileen,
      Couldn’t agree more with you. I have felt like this in previous relationships too, as soon as the honeymoon phase would end (which is usually when the real love begins) those thoughts would suddenly start. It’s literally out of nowhere. I have learnt not to give in to my fears and break up (cause when I was younger I thought that those doubts are a sign, and that my fear would go away – well it did once I had broken up, but only until I was in a relationship again, then they would come back). So it’s not our wonderful, loving partners, it is our fear. And if we fight it, which is so, so so hard, then we can win 🙂

  • coscious-laura

    Hi all, I wanted to share this story with you because this course has helped me so much. I really recommend it to everyone.

    I suffer from a very bad relationship anxiety with all those “irrational fears” and horrible intrusive thoughts (they usually start with “What if” and end in a worst case scenario.
    I was talking to my counsellor the other day and I remembered something that was crucial to my development. The day I first had anxiety.

    It was the day when I was a child, probably 5 or 6 years old, when I realised what death was. I was always a daddy’s girl, so I was very close to him when I was a kid. I share a great connection to nature with him and I had the best childhood with my parents. And I remembered one night when we must have watched something in the news, or we heard some news about a persons death and I realised that this person would never come back. And I also realised that some day my father, whom I love so deeply, might die. And as he tucked me into bed that night I cried bitter tears, and I remember begging him not to die. To never leave me. And he said “well we all have to die some day” and I felt so powerless, so frustrated that I had no control over it and that there was absolutely nothing in the world that I could do to change that.

    Now I see a lot of parallels in my fear. Fear for me are usually situations that I have no power or control of. I used to date guys only for a very short period of time and usually break up with them before they could break up with me. I used to jump from one relationship into another and cheat in most relationships, because I was with men I didn’t love, but I was terrified of being left alone. Or left in general.

    Then I met my lovely boyfriend. Now my fiance whom I have been with for almost 4 years is the most gentle, loving soul and I could not be more grateful to have him. He is the first man that I ever truly loved and now I have this horrible relationship anxiety. It started all with the fact that for the first time, when I met him, I wasn’t overwhelmed with love. I was just okay, in love but it was no fireworks, no crazy passion, no drama. And that confused me, because to that day I had always expected love to be like that. I had a complete misconception of what love was. Being influenced by TV shows, magazines, and a lot of things other people say. (like my friends or colleagues who tell me they have sex 3 times a week and all – so much bla bla)

    What this course and the last 4 years have taught me though, is that we cannot control everything. And that I am so, so happy that when fear was in the driver’s seat, I chose love instead. MY fear whispered me in my ear to break up so many times – if I had broken up with him, then there would be no more fear right? Nope – trust me, this is how I used to do it for years, and that’s how I let go of some wonderful men. So I decided to stay, and I worked my bum off to make it work. It is still a fight. Every single day. I fight this anxiety, this monster so much every day. And some days, sometimes for weeks I am allowed to just be happy, before it comes back. And I noticed that the more I fight and work with myself, the longer those happy periods have become. The less strong my anxiety attacks have become. So it is working – slowly, but I can see results. To all you beautiful, gentle and loving people out there: it will work, and some day we will beat anxiety and learn to live with it rather than having it control us.

    I can honestly recommend Sheryl’s “Break Free from relationship anxiety” course – it is absolutely worth it and I come back to it every couple of weeks when I feel anxious, as it is like my safe port. I was in a very bad state this morning, but as I have typed this I feel that I can already start to see the horizon of this dark night. Even the darkest night will pass. Take good care everyone.
    Laura

    PS: my course name was supposed to be conscious-laura, but I made a typo 🙁 oops

  • Katelyn

    I am way younger than a lot of y’all but I so wished I had the money to buy this course, I feel like it would help me so much! I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I’m 15 and he’s 16. Young I know! But I can still have relationship anxiety! I am going to talk to someone tomorrow and I am so scared of what they’re gonna say or if they will just say “you’re too young to know what love is.” This is my longest and most serious relationship EVER! He is my bestfriend who I care for so much!! Fear is always whispering in my ear and all these people on here say “well I know this is who I want and love” but I really have no idea if I want or love him because fear whispers in my ear so loud but I still choose to stay because like y’all say it would happen with anyone I’m with. It’s me and it’s not my partner. Please comment back if you would like too!!

  • Sam

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have been living together for 2 years now. This is my very first relationship, I have liked and been in love before but till now it has never been mutual. I had anxiety in a few months of our initial stage of the relationship, I felt numb and didn’t know where all the wonderful feeling had gone. I broke up with him a few times, and then had anxiety after breaking up as well. We finally decided to give the relationship a go and moved in together. He is a great person, loves me for who I am and has been there through my anxiety. I have also grown to love him, have had the warm fuzzy moments many times. In the past year we have been arguing over babies, he wants a child and I am not keen. I have never thought of myself wanting a child, but I love kids. And in the past 6 months we have tried to break up a few times as we thought there was no way we would change our minds. We finally took some time apart for a few weeks to think about things. During all this, I have started to give up on us and also started to question if I love him or not. Because people thought that I should have a child with him if I really loved him, this made me question my love. And I felt numb and disappointed in him. After our time apart, he said that having a baby is my decision and its ok if I decide not to have one, he will deal with it (even though his preference is to have one, but he is not going to leave me because I am unsure about having one). He said he wants to be with me more than anything and get married. So I came back to be with him in the apartment, but I felt very anxious like I didnt want to be there or with him. I just wanted it all to be over, just out of the relationship. I then wondered why I feel like that, we were so happy a year ago and after the baby issue now all seems changed. I told him about how I feel, and he is still the same loving person and says it will all be ok. He never gives up on us, and he says that he knows that I love him and that I am confused.I keep thinking that may be he is not the right person for me, thats why I am having doubts of getting married to him. Friends have told me that may be I have fallen out of love with him, when I heard this I felt angry! There are moments when I have felt the happiness of wanting to marry him but then it passes and the doubts are all back. I want to be happy with him, he is such a great guy. But I want to be happy without the doubts, without waking up everyday and thinking I want to leave him. There have been many times where I have become annoyed at him, but I cant stay mad at him for long. I have found some of his looks annoying, and this makes me think that may be I dont love him. If I loved him for who he is then I would be happy and not have doubts, therefore I keep thinking that I dont love him
    and that I should break up. I thought may be I should marry him and then see if things work out or not, but I dont like the idea of going in with such a doubtful mindset. I need to make a decision soon, he wants to move countries by early next year and he would like to know if I would go with him.

    I want to know what I truly want, do I love him or am I afraid to break up??

  • Ashley

    Relationship Anxiety?
    Hi everyone. I’ve been diagnosed with GAD at the emergency room once and about four months ago is when my awful anxiety really set in. Panic attacks, heart palpipitations, the whole 9 yards.

    For about the past two months I have been non stop doubting my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for nearly a year and a half
    Im 18 and he is 23. He has lots of experience dating and has had three other long term relationships while I have only had two other relationships in my life, one lasting only one month and the other lasting about 9 months, both ending because I’m pretty positive they were cheating although they said “they just lost feelings”.

    ANYWHOO, my boyfriend and I have just recently gotten out first apartment together. My boyfriend is sweet, loving, supportive and literally one of the most genuine people i know. There are no red flag signs in our relationship.

    However my gears started as “what if you don’t really love him?” Which brought on a load of anxiety and fear. Then it shifted to “what if you’re gay?” Then too “what if you’re attracted to other people?” And now my fear is “what if you just want to be single? What if you havent dated enough in your life? What if you just want to be free?”

    The thought doesn’t bring immideate fear though. At this point I feel as if im incapable of feeling anything besides indecisive. I want to love him, i want to be happy with him and I want this to work but I am so lost lonely and confused.

    He knows how I feel and it hurts me to have to hurt him by doubting every move I make. If anyone is feeling these things or has had these thoughts before please help a girl out..

    • Nadine

      Hello Ashley, don’t know that I can help you out, but I definitely have continuous doubts about my relationships. I am older than you, 36, and have had this in every relationship so far. I’ve read a lot of Sheryl’s website and am considering doing the e-course. It’s great that you are so young and have come across this page. Also you say you want to love him and want to be happy with him and you want it to work. That’s more than I can say about my relationship. Have you done the questionnaire? This e-course might help you work thorough your doubts. Good luck! You are certainly not alone according to this website and my own experience, millions of people have these doubts. Wishing you the best

      • Ashley

        Nadine I am just now seeing this. I have basically poured through her website everyday, it’s like a lifeline now I spend HOURS here. I am signing up for the ecourse, probably tomorrow as the bank’s closed here and I can’t cash my chrck. I am hoping to free myself from these thoughts and just get my relationship back. My guy knows everything I feel and he is so supportive, he’s actually paying for a majority of this course..

  • Nadine

    Hello Sheryl, I only realized today that you are Margaret’s daughter after watching one of your videos and thinking you have similarities. Then I clicked with the same surname etc.! Have done the “loving yourself” inner bonding course with her which I really enjoyed. I’m interested to do your “break free from relationship anxiety” course and filled out the box above to get the questionnaire e-mailed, but have not received anything. I think I tried it a while ago with the same problem. I may have received it a long time ago and done it, and am signed up for your newsletters. However, if I have done the questionnaire in the past I don’t remember the outcome, so I would like to do it again before signing up. Are you able to help at all and e-mail the questionnaire to my address above? Thank you Sheryl. Really enjoying your website. Kind regards Nadine

  • Rutger

    Dear Sheryl,
    In lesson 6 of the ecourse (Break free) you mention food for the physical realm. “Some people skip grans from their diet” I did myself for many years diet after diet, with result, yes for a few weeks, but after, everything came back. I would like to say, that the relation anxiety expanded to a relation + food anxiety. No food was safe for me after a few years, fruit, fructose, grans, gluts, milk, casein, soya, histamine, etc. And then the other part also started to get alive: more vitamins, magnesium, vit b1, b12 fishpills, etc. I sounds weird, but it made a big big crack in my self esteem and made a huge distance for looking inside for solutions. So every projection I had, i connected it to food/pills etc. Please let me know, although the effect of food, -how big it can be-, that learning to understand my fear and to work on all these other things, can help me, just as much. I dont want to go back there anymore, and blame it to my source of energy. I am the one who creates the projections not? Not the food?
    Thank you so much in advance,
    Rutger

  • Jen

    Hello Sheryl,

    I’ve been reading with interest the posts here, and wondering if this course is for me. In a nutshell, I have reconciled with my boyfriend after a 2-month separation – I had caught him being unfaithful. We both have relationship insecurities and abandonment issues, which in part led to his infidelity. We’ve now committed to working on our own issues and I can truly say I believe our motivation and desire to move forward together is genuine. He has owned his behavior, and worked hard to prove his fidelity, not just with words, but actions. That being said, I have moments of debilitating anxiety when I don’t hear from him or when he has to travel for work. My “monkey brain” as I call it, goes into overdrive and I picture all these scenarios of what he is doing and what he might be up to. Ugh. I would like to not be that way, as I think ultimately it will be the end of us.

    Is your course right for me?

    Thanks in advance for your reply.

    Jen

  • Britt

    I’ve been struggling to decide whether to move forward with my boyfriend of 4.5 years. I love him very much but I’ve never really felt in love. I read on your blog about determining if you’re staying just because it’s a good relationship and it mentioned having a deep connection and genuine interest in the partner. Hes my best friend so obviously we connect on some level, but I don’t really find him that…interesting. I even remember thinking when we first started hanging out (within the first few weeks) that the intellectual spark wasn’t there for me. I didn’t enjoy our conversations the way I do with other friends who think more deeply. But he’s my first boyfriend and I decided to keep dating him because I knew he was a good guy and I thought it would be valuable to get to know him in a dating relationship. I’m worried though that I got in just to experiment and stayed because it hurts too much to go.

    I know that I love him, but not that I’m in love. Ive never been fully content, especially because he fell pretty hard and fast, and I’ve always worried that my feelings wouldn’t catch up with his (he was excited from the start and is very happy and in love with me). We are otherwise perfectly compatible on paper. I do enjoy being with him and we have the same values and goals in life and he’s incredibly flexible and willing to compromise so that I can do things I want (like travel the world etc). But I do get bored and he can annoy me (not just typical annoying habits but things about his personality–like his jokes).

    I don’t suffer from anxiety or any other “disorder”. But I am very independent and I have insecurities about being well liked and getting approval from others. I’m worried that those insecurities set me up to fail to fall in love OR that they are keeping me in an unfulfilling relationship because I love to be loved and am scared of never finding love again.

    If I’m not sure I have that base connection (the thing that’s missing) from the beginning, am I just grasping at straws to avoid the inevitable? I want to have that love that inspires me to be a better person, and makes me happy and excited just to be around them and go through life with them. Can that be “unlocked” or is the foundation not there? I don’t want to force or manufacture love.

    Reading through others’ experiences here, it sounds like they all know deep down that they want to stay and love their partner and that they have struggled with anxiety before.

    im worried that I’m self-diagnosing an anxiety problem when I have never had anxiety. Does it sound like I’m just not happy and unwilling to let go?What do you think?

    • You’re describing a form of anxiety that doesn’t manifest as typical anxiety but more like indecision and stuckness. Only you can say if your relationship is one that you want to fight for, but the course will certainly help you find your clarity.

  • Meredith

    Hi Sheryl,

    I am interested in starting your e-course! The last three months have been an anxiety hell for me – I definitely have generalized anxiety disorder and hypochondria. After a health incident happened in October, I became obsessed with my health and then as I was coming out of that issue, for the first time ever, developed intrusive thoughts which scared me so much! They were mostly harm related. I discovered that intrusive thoughts tend to grab onto the things you fear most about in life/or things that would worry you the most. I remember consciously thinking, “don’t start worrying about your marriage” and then bam, I started worrying about my marriage. The thing is, I am incredibly in love with him and he is all I ever wanted. I am attracted to him, mind and body and he is one of the best human beings I’ve ever met. And I feel so lucky he is mine. And it isn’t as though I am having “doubts”, but I am so caught up in these intrusive thoughts now that I don’t even know what my mind is thinking anymore. I absolutely love him, but then get stuck on that I don’t FEEL the love like how I did before my anxiety spiralled. I was madly in love and not questioning anything two weeks ago, and now I don’t know what the hell happened 🙁 Would you consider this relationship anxiety or just anxiety in general (since I was experiencing such high anxiety prior to these relationship thoughts)? Would I benefit from your e-course?
    I do not fantasize leaving him and know that my life without him IF I ever made that choice, would be wrought with guilt, sadness and KNOWING it wasn’t the right decision.
    Thank you so much <3

    • Hi Meredith: Yes, you’re suffering from relationship anxiety and the course would be of enormous benefit to you. The truth is that it doesn’t matter if you label it “relationship anxiety” or “generalized anxiety”, the work is the same and the tools I teach in the course will address everything that you’ve been struggling with.

  • Katie

    Hi sheryl! Was just looking for some advice about whether or not to purchase this course! I’m a 19yr old student and I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 year and I’ve recently been experiencing what I think is relationship anxiety. Before my anxiety hit I had never had a single doubt about my boyfriend, he’s my best friend, we share all the same values in life. He encourages me to do my best and I’d say we have a very mature relationship for our age, we obviously have small issues but what couples don’t. As I made the jump into university life a lot of things changed for me, Me and my best friend since 5 years don’t talk anymore (my therapist describes this as almost a death like situation), my parents became foster careers, so I’ve kind of lost a connection there too and the only person that I could really rely on was my boyfriend. Another point to add is that I have been anxious and depressed before and I was just coming out of a depression episode when I met my boyfriend (dunno if that’s relevant).

    I had been feeling anxious for a few weeks but couldn’t pin point the problem and then one day when I was at work I thought to myself “what if me and M don’t last forever?” And from there about 2 months of panic attacks and weight loss set in and constant crying set in, I wouldn’t see any friends, I wouldn’t go out without my boyfriend. I lost myself completely. Thoughts like “what if we get divorced?” “What if he isn’t a good father?” “What if he breaks up with me?” “Maybe we aren’t meant to be”, I would constantly test my feelings for him when it came to kissing, sex just anything really.

    Here we are almost 3 months later and I feel completely numb, when I was panicking I knew at least that I felt something I described it as my “head fighting my heart” but now that I’ve slipped into a depression everything just seems gloom and doom. I’m angry, irritable, nit picking about our relationship and I just feel so unconnected from him and it’s breaking my heart because it’s almost like I’ve forgotten what I was fighting for.

    Do u think that the relationship anxiety e course would benefit me ??? I’m only a student so it’s quite a lot of money so I don’t want to go into it without knowing if I’ll benefit

    • Katie: Without a doubt, the course would be of great benefit to you. It will help you address the root cause of your anxiety, which is now focused on your boyfriend but which, ultimately, has nothing to do with him. The cycle of shifting from panic to numbness is quite common, and when you learn the tools that will help you thaw out your heart, you will feel your warmth and love once again. I know it’s a significant investment, but it’s one that will serve you not only in your relationship but for the rest of your life.

      • Katie

        I know this is a bit of a late reply to ur message but I have just been spiked badly over a post of yours. It was one about “a deep sense of knowing your too young to get married” obviously and my boyfriend are no where near the stage of marriage but it’s something that I had always imagined before anxiety and sometimes now still when I’m calm and in a good mood. But how do u identify a deep sense of knowing, like since anxiety all of these “what if I cheat” “what if I really just want to be alone” thoughts have come into my head, thoughts that before anxiety couldn’t be further than my truth but now they seem like they are convincing me and now I’m thinking “maybe this is my deep sense of knowing” creeping in. Does anyone have any advice or comment on this?

        Ps. I am saving up for the course and am hoping to purchase next month but in desperate need of a few answers at the moment

        • There is a small percentage of people who find their way to my work (and I mean VERY small) who know that they aren’t ready to get married. But the vast majority, no matter how young, struggle with relationship anxiety but still know that they don’t want to leave their very loving and wonderful partner. Hopefully this post will soothe your spike:

          http://conscious-transitions.com/what-if-im-too-young/

          • Katie

            I’ve read that one over and over but you know how it is, I always feel like I’m the exception and I’m different haha even though when I’m on this site everyone’s feelings and thoughts are the exact same as mine. that article is one I always go back to and does help soothe my worries so thank you for reminding me of it!

  • Ruth

    Hi Sheryl
    I am 32 years old.I was in a 4 year relationship 4 years ago with a man whom I loved deeply. We were highly compatible, had a great connection, a great group of friends and we were best of friends. After a year of dating, I was experiencing relationship anxiety (I didn’t know it at the time). I kissed another boy and decided that if I could do that, I musn’t be in love with my boyfriend, so I broke up with him. I was distraught. I cried for days and days and decided that I didn’t want to be without him. After much convincing, he took me back. We were back in the honey moon phase again and my mind was at ease. However, the anxiety started to creep back and the next 3 years were wrought with bouts of anxiety and depression on my part. We fought a lot as he would always accuse me of not loving him. I never knew how to respond because I was so confused. He knew about my infidelity and would always use that as evidence that I didn’t love him. After 4 years of being together, I met another guy on a plane. There was instant attraction. We exchanged numbers and began texting/talking on the phone. After 2 weeks of intense communication, I broke up with my bf and moved out. I was sure that this new man was the answer to all my problems. He seemed perfect for me and I found myself high on life again. The first year of our relationship was messy as he was going through a break up too. We were doing long distance so our time together was always limited, which made it more intense. After a year together, the honey moon phase was beginning to wane. I was starting to realise that perhaps he wasn’t the one for me. I started to think about my ex and miss him instensley. I was so confused. Then boom! I discovered I was pregnant. SO here I am 3ish years later, with a 2 year old, experiencing relationship anxiety yet again. I think I KNOW that it’s anxiety. I’m on anti-anxiety medication. I got antenatal anxiety and post partum depression because I had so much regret about leaving my ex partner. I think what’s happening is that I’ve got relationship anxiety about my current partner but it’s been made more complicated by the fact that I have so much regret around leaving my previous partner. I wish I had known that I was experiencing relationship anxiety with my previous partner. We might still be together? Is my anxiety around the regret just a symptom of my current relationship anxiety? Is it a form of escapism? Even though I’m on meds, the ruminating thoughts are still there. Without meds, these thoughts would leave me paralysed. Almost catatonic. I want to be medication free. I want these intrusive thoughts to go away. I want to be a present, happy mum to my daughter. Will this course be helpful for me? Will it help me with the regret aspect? My mind keeps telling me that the only path to happiness is to be back with my previous boyfriend. THat is not an option though. I want to be with the father of my child. I want a healthy, secure family environment for my daughter. I just want to feel normal!!

    • Dear Ruth: I don’t say this often because I’m not one to push my courses, but I URGE to sign up for this course as soon as possible. You need to learn how to contain and work with your anxiety so that you can be present for your life, and yes, the course will help you do that if you commit fully to this work and to the daily practices. You are already normal; now it’s time to find some peace, both for your own sake and for your daughter’s.

  • Candee Lovell

    Sheryl, two years ago I signed up for the Open Your Heart series. Unfortunately, life took a turn and I didn’t get to participate. As I read the information on Break Free from Relationship Anxiety, I feel this may be appropriate for me now. Is this an interactive forum like the Open Your Heart course?

    After over two years, I’m still dating the same man. My father has since passed away and we’ve been through a lot. He lives 200 miles away and it’s long distance – obviously. He can’t move as he has high school children and really should stay where he’s at for at least 3 1/2 years. I live in Minneapolis and he’s in a town of about 7,000. We are both divorced twice and I’ve had four serious depression/anxiety episodes over the course of 20 years. All of which are triggered by relationship break-ups. The last one in 2007, I needed to take two weeks off to attend an outpatient program to try to get my head on straight and a firm foundation.

    We’ve talked about our future and things are good, but fear creeps in quite often as my life would completely change. Not just moving, but finding a job, moving out of my home of 22 years and the city I’ve been for 30 years, etc. I’m not a kid, but fear grabs me like I am 16 years old.

    So what are your thoughts on this course? Or would it be better for me to go back through my Open Your Heart course and read that – even though no one is actively in that particular course any more.

    • I highly recommend this course for you, Candee. It’s really my foundational course, so once you’re comfortable with the tools I teach here, then it would be of benefit to go back over Open Your Heart. Given what you’ve shared, the foundational material will be essential for you to learn.

  • Alyssa

    Hi Sheryl,

    I’ve been having a very hard time lately and am wondering if you would recommend this course for me. About a week before Christmas, out of nowhere I had a complete and terrifying panic attack at my boyfriends house (when he wasn’t there) centered around our relationship and these awful thoughts that came out of nowhere, like “is this really the life I want?” and “what if I don’t love him?” At this point we had been together for 9 months and just two weeks past the glorious sharing of “I love you” to each other.

    Up until this very day of the panic attack, I had been nothing but over the moon and so blissfully happy with this man, I was/am so confused as to why these thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. Over the next week, I went to the ER twice from severe dehydration and exhaustion (I vomited every morning from debilitating stomach pain and was too afraid to eat), I barely went to work, it was awful. I went back to my therapist whom I hadn’t seen in over a year, I didn’t know what else to do. Strangely, I was having all these doubtful and terrible thoughts about my incredible boyfriend and yet the only times I felt peace were at night when I would lay with him on the couch and he could kiss my temples. He is everything I have ever wanted in a partner.

    I am almost 24 and he is 27, before him I was in a very emotionally manipulative 4.5 year relationship with a man that had no ambition in anyway, which was a very painful breakup for me. My parents divorced when I was 14 which was also a painful time and I think distorted for me the idea of what a marriage should look like. I didn’t know that men like my current boyfriend existed. I imagine marrying him and we have previously discussed me moving into his house officially within the next six months or so (which sometimes is comforting to me but also is a source of great anxiety). I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up and the uncertainty is so terrible.

    I’m so in love with this man and I KNOW that, I cannot stand these doubts that cripple my ability to function as my best self. What would you suggest for me? I want to be the woman again that deserves his love, the woman I was before this panic took over my mental state. 🙁

    • Hi Alyssa, You’re describing a classic story of relationship anxiety and you’ve found your way to the right place. The Break Free course 100% for you, as you will see as soon as you listen to the Welcome video. Peace and clarity are closer than you think. – Sheryl

  • HopefulForHope

    Hi Sheryl,

    I want to sign up for your course but I’m not sure if I should sign up for “break free from relationship anxiety” or “conscious weddings.”

    I have been dating my first boyfriend for over a year and a half now. We have a special connection, a friendship that goes back to about 10 years now, and he is the most wonderful man I can imagine. He loves me so kindly and purely and he is my best friend.

    I realized I was struggling with relationship anxiety once I came across your writing. I think it’s been a mixture of a lot of things that have made me anxious: my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I expected to be with (I had built up a fantasy world for over 10 years of who I would be with and he doesn’t fit that mold), I never experienced a “honeymoon phase” because he was an old friend that I kind of dated at first just to give it a shot (and he has surprised me in the best ways since), I haven’t “just known he was the one for me” (which I always just thought I would from a first date AND it seemed that at the time, all my friends “just knew” about their boyfriend) and I feel like I have had to learn what love is when all I have ever experienced and known is infatuation. I have spent my entire adolescence and 20s obsessing over guys from afar who I never really knew but the “feelings” were so strong – I associated that with love. I think I was addicted to the wondering/not knowing how those guys felt about me so I would be consumed with my thoughts/fantasies and that was kind of a rush. I did that for years unfortunately. But I never obsessed over my boyfriend or was infatuated with him because he was someone I actually knew and had a friendship with so it has all been different. Looking back, I can see how the beginning of our relationship is a recipe for a healthy foundation but I have years and years of unhealthy patterns that I am trying to break and that I never even knew I had. I thought the recipe for love was: notice someone from afar, obsess/have butterfly feelings every time you see or talk to them, they ask you out, you fall head over heels and you know “they’re the one.”

    Thoughts have plagued me most days of my relationship the longer I have dated my boyfriend: “do I love him?” “what if I don’t really love him?” “what if I just think I love him and I don’t really?” “this should be such an easy thing… I should know.” “what if I am really supposed to be with that other guy (who was never really kind/interested in me) but I had such strong feelings for…”

    Lately I have been stuck on this fantasy world I created with a guy I had a crush on for over 3 years and that causes me anxiety because I love my boyfriend and want him to be the one I marry and yet I have these thoughts of another person that won’t go away. My boyfriend and I talk about marriage a lot and I find that because I am anxious and overwhelmed/scared, it takes the excitement away from me and I fear maybe it is all wrong. And I fear the thoughts of this old crush (who I don’t want to ever think about again – it was all built on fantasy) won’t go away.

    Basically, I am wondering which course to take because I want to break free from this anxiety, learn more about what real love is instead of what I picked up along the way that are not healthy (infatuation, fantasy) and I want to have a healthy marriage with my current boyfriend. Can you tell me which one may suit me?

    I wanted to thank you for the words you have already provided to me. I have read through almost all of your posts and have learned so much already. So thank you for writing about this subject! your wisdom has been so helpful and encouraging to me during a very hard and confusing time for me.

  • There are a lot of reasons why we feel anxiety. Low self-esteem could be one of them. You may have these twisted thoughts in your head that have nothing to do with REALITY. In other words, you could be worrying and obsessing over something that does not exist.

  • Janet

    Hi Sheryl, I’ve been trying to take the free assessment but the link does not appear to be working. Is there another way I can access it?

    Thank you!

  • Florian

    Hi Sheryl,

    First I hope you and your family are ok. I am 28 and I got an ROCD period 3 years ago. My relationship is over now I left her to survive (yes it was a question of staying alive). In France the problem is unknown so I understood too late (she is in relationship now). Question is: does the ecourse helps for re-constructing someone after a long relationshi? Today I fear about myself in relationship. I am afraid To start again this hell and make suffer someone again. I am french so sorry for my english. Sorry if someone already asked you the question. Best regards.

    • Hi Florian: The course is often best taken when you’re between relationships as that’s when the noise of the anxiety is low enough that you can actually hear the information. I encourage you to dive in and give yourself this gift before starting another relationship. It will serve you enormously.

  • Bill

    Hello sheryl i wanted to ask you what the right course for me is.The problem is I am having so much trouble right now and i could really use some guidance. about 4 weeks ago i started having all of these doubts about me and my girlfriend,doubts starting with “do i love her anymore,why do i feel this way,are we drifting apart,are we connected enough,is she right for me” me and my girlfriend have been together for just about 10 months now and this anxiety is just now hitting me. all throughout our relationship i have had some doubts asking myself if i love her and if its what i wanted but it never really spiked up until 4 weeks ago.Also i have never really felt the same way around my girlfriend as i do my other friends although i feel like i can still be myself around her. At some times when we would be hanging out i would start feeling unconnected for some reason but alot of times we do have a lot of fun together and connect well together.My girlfriend is just amazing, shes loving,good to me, honest, funny,just adorable, and just everything i could ever ask for. i know that i love her so much but for some reason im in that numb stage where i cant feel connection and cant feel love the way i did before all of this anxiety(i cant exacty feel connected to myself either) and im afraid that this means that we are drifting apart which i hope is not true. we talk just as much as we always have and hang out even more then we did in the beginning. I just feel so hopeless.I have experienced anxiety/depression before about two years ago and this feels similar like i feel like im not even myself. I want to know if this is relationship anxiety that can be fixed so i can get my life back or if this is really the end(broke my heart typing the end). Please respond im at the end of the line here and im going crazy and i dont know what to do and i just really need to know how to get my life back.Also when you say clarity do you mean clarity as in it will become clear whether you want to leave or stay or do you mean clarity on to what is bothering me.

  • Bill

    And i just wanted to add ,right when these doubts started i started having panic attacks and even now in this numb stage when i go to google symptoms of drifting apart and i feel a symptoms and i have another one.is this from anxiety or is it because self consciously i know its true? please help im so desperate for guidance

  • Brent

    Thank you for your words of wisdom. Each and every time I read your blog it centers me once more.

    Around 18 months ago I was at a breaking point. My wife of a few months and I were sleeping in separate rooms. She was disgusting to me. I was so focussed on so many small perceived imperfections and all I could ask myself was, do I love her? It eventually became I don’t love her. What have I done?

    One sleepless night I began to google and came upon one of your blogs. Tears flowed from my eyes and relief filled every pore when I came to realise I was not alone.  Many years before I struggled with thoughts such as I’m gay, I’m a serial killer, I’m a paedophile, I’m going to kill myself, I’m schizophrenic. The list went on. I felt I couldn’t trust myself. It was eroding me from the inside. How could I share these thoughts with anyone?

    Eventually I shared them after having a physical breakdown. I told my dad who got me to a doctor who got me to a shrink. There I began taking Zoloft and became numb, but in time the thoughts left and I felt free. I’ve not thought that stuff again since some 10 or 15 years later.

    What I did bring with me was an inability to maintain a relationship. Lovely girl after lovely girl and each time I messed it up because of how I perceived them and how I perceived my lack of the feeling.

    With my now wife I had a honey moon stage of about 3 weeks before picking her to pieces. For the first time ever though I told her my judgements. I told her I didn’t think she was attractive. I told her I didn’t like the way she ate. I told her to didn’t like her laugh. I told her so many cruel things and yet she stayed. I hurt her so much yet she stayed. She accepted me.

    For just over 2 years it swayed back and forth for me. Judging her, seeing her as ugly. Seeing her boobs as too small. Seeing her as beautiful. Knowing she was the kindest most loving person i ever met. Picking on her for her breath or how fast she was eating. Eventually it became too much for her not long after our honeymoon. That was when we were in separate beds amd arguing and when I came upon your work and where I purchased the break free from relationship anxiety course.

    The course and your blog helped me see for the first time what I was doing and better still provided me with some real tools for finding relief. For steering myself out of it. I shared all of it with my wife and she too came to realise that she too was on the sensitive side of the spectrum. She is so grateful that I found you and words cannot express the gratitude and love that I have for you and for everyone here who is struggling with this stuff.

    I still get thoughts and sometimes I share them. Having my wife know about the work is great because she reminds me that I’m projecting. Most of the time though I’m now able to catch myself in the projection and name it for what it is. I see it as a sign that there’s something within me that needs work. Like I need to do more music (That which brings me the greatest sense of aliveness), or that I need rest. Whenever i am run down the projections come back in so it’s important to know this and to know how critical it is that I look after my health with good food, exercise and rest!

    I love the question What is this thought trying to protect me from feeling? This has been so useful when I’m in the thick of it. It helps me to see that my anxiety is my friend.

    Another thing I did last year was abstain from all alcohol for 99 days,  and this year I did 120 days. Since then my relationship with it has really changed. I can really feel how it affects me now. I can feel the anxiety being created.

    All I know is that I wouldn’t be here where I am without you and your work, and for anyone reading this, if I can turn it around I know anyone can. We all just need to learn to love our beautiful sensitive selves and make sure we spend time only with those who appreciate our true self. It takes work time and time again but look to it like a long walk. Nothing overly exerting yet a journey that will take time. So enjoy the steps you take and celebrate your wins and appreciate what you have right now even if it’s not what you want. You will get there as long as you keep moving forward.

    Do the course or courses too!!! Xx

  • Shayne

    Hi Sheryl, I’m so bad at making short posts so I desperately hope you have the time to reply.

    I suspect that my fears have attached onto a couple of core values related to RED FLAGS as an excuse to give up on the relationship. I need to ask you your opinion on this. I’ll explain the red flags after I give a brief history.

    I am half way through the course. I started it during a relationship that was 2.5 years along. For the most part the relationship has been open or on a break but there has been a slow but steady growth of love for each other, to the point where it is now very strong even though we are currently not under the label of a “couple”.
    Before our first date I told her how likely it was that I believed I would eventually leave every girlfriend that I ever met due to my fears and anxiety ruling my decisions. Having that out in the open was the start of a very honest 2.5 year relationship (although a very bumpy, on and off one )
    Very soon after we became reasonably close, I started to have intrusive thoughts doubting her physical appearance. After some time I was able to admit that to her after finding an article on ROCD. At first it was very tough for her but eventually she came to understand and accept me as our love had grown enough.
    The anxiety was reasonably manageable ( I’m very experienced with it ) that is until I decided to make things official. The official couple status has been attempted a few times but each time I end up so anxious that it consumes 100% of my energy and the rest of my life seems to fall away and every waking moment becomes about managing the stress and eventually I become lifeless and have suicidal thoughts. Thats when I give up and we agree to break up. That conversation brings literally instant relief from my symptoms and I feel back to my normal self and then it seems clear to me that single life is much better. I become social again and our time spent together as friends and/or friends with benefits becomes ecstatic and life flows again.

    Ok so the perceived red flags are.
    1. I don’t want kids yet. ( she is 33 years old and wants them soon and even said that she would look for another man that wants kids if it comes to that.)
    2. She always talks about leaving the country for months and years at a time to go travelling as backpacking is her true passion.

    So I wonder if hearing about her possibly leaving all the time is a true red flag for me and a reasonable cause of anxiety and that I should not waste my time putting myself through hell for someone that will probably remain less than 100% available.. (although she sometimes says that if I didn’t have my fears and committed to her that she would make sacrifices regarding her lifestyle for us.

    I also wonder if the reason I seem to not want kids is that since I’m such a perfectionist, that kids = commitment and Im afraid of commitment because ultimately I am afraid of leaving and hurting someone I love, not to mention hurting our child.

    Finally id like to add that after doing lesson 8 of the course today, I see now that real love seems to require a MAJOR sacrifice of self .And I’m ashamed to admit that one of the things I am most afraid of sacrificing is the thrill of the chase while single. Its so much easier than being in a relationship. Being committed to someone is literally the hardest day to day experience that Ive ever had to endure. Yet something inside me keeps pulling me that direction.

    At this point she thinks that we should take 1-2 years break for her to at least have one more travel experience before settling down and in that time I should continue to heal my wounds.

    I would love to know your thoughts
    Thanks so much for your work Sheryl.
    <3

  • Padma S.

    Hi Sheryl! If you read this, it would mean the world to me if you could answer!
    I have kind of an unique case- I have had relationship anxiety for the most 8 months out of my 11-month relationship, which was triggered when I realized my boyfriend and I had to go long-distance. We had the most magical relationship- it was filled with such joy, respect, and laughter that I have never felt before. I knew despite 3 months that this was something special. After leaving him , I had the most classic case of it- the intrusive thoughts, fretting over how I didn’t know if I loved him enough, or if a future was possible, or if he was attractive enough. I was even terrified to go and see him again, scared of the feelings that I didn’t want to. However, I pushed myself to see him, and had the most amazing experience ever! However, since I came back, my anxiety has seemed to flip- I am constantly worried about the lack of time we have together, panic we he doesn’t text me, or anxious when he spends times with another girl, which is more typical of separation anxiety. Can I still take your course if my feelings have flipped? Your course had seemed perfect for me before! Thank you!

    • Yes, Padma, the course is still applicable. Relationship anxiety can easily flip from “do I love him enough?” to “does he love me enough?”. The common variable is “enough”, and that’s what my course addresses in depth.

  • Madeleine

    Hi Sheryl! I suffer greatly from what you describe as relationship anxiety, and have done so on and off for a few years. Three years ago I found out that my boyfriend had been unfaithful. We have since done a lot of work and I want to truly move past it, but am scared that my truth behind the anxiety is that I just won’t be able to truly forgive and forget. The intrusive thoughts rarely have to do with the cheating though, but are more often in the style of “what if I don’t really love him anymore”, “what if I’m just convincing myself to stay because leaving would be a failure/I’m scared to be alone/I don’t want to hurt him” etc. Also, I have suffered from worry and anxiety since childhood, which leads me to believe that I would have this anxiety even if the cheating had not happened, but that the cheating was a trigger. I was wondering if the course would help me work through the pain of past events as well as my general (relationship) anxiety? I really want to learn how to manage my anxiety, not just for the sake of my relationship but even more for my own well-being.

    • Yes the course would help you work through your past pain as well as your long-standing anxiety. However, the betrayal itself needs its own thorough attention, and to be fully healed, couples therapy is usually required.

  • Cpc

    Hi.
    I am currently in a relationship but have gone to end it several times to get the relief i crave. This is because when in the relationship I am in a constant state of anxiety. Do I love him. Am i attracted. I’m taking up his time so if I have doubts I should let him go and be happy. And so it goes on. I have recently moved to the spare room because I am too scared to ‘lead him on’ so to speak. We have had a number of conversations where i end the relationship only for me to have that amazing moment of clarity when I realise- I do love him after all. But the next day, I’m back to the doubting. Other people have now asked me (admittedly they were drunk) if I love him, if I want to be with him, so I feel terrible that I am giving off that vibe. I’m at the end of my tether.
    But I know if I end the relationship my anxiety will move on to something else.

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