Blog
One of the Greatest Invitations of Relationship Anxiety
After twenty-five years of working with the theme of relationship anxiety, it's still the most common way that people find their way to my work. Luckily, I'm still endlessly fascinated by the underlying drivers of this particular anxiety theme, as well as ways to work...
A Beautiful Lifeline for Sexuality Spikes: What if I’m gay/straight? (SO-OCD)
About a year ago, a man named Steve from Pittsburgh, PA, started responding to comments on my blog, especially on the topic of intrusive thoughts and sexuality spikes: What if I'm not the sexual orientation that I think I am? How do I know? What if this means I have...
When Self-Trust is Shattered… and How to Retrieve It
"Babies are born wizened with instinct. They know in their bones what is right and what to do about it. It is innate." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves We are born whole. We are born in touch with deep, bodily wisdom about what we need and when...
Why Making Decisions Can Feel Like Life-or-Death
This is a common dialogue with my clients and course members: "My wedding is in six months and I'm so scared that I'm making a mistake." "What scares you about making a mistake?" "Well, of course I don't want to get divorced, but it's more than that. I'm scared I'm...
Struggling with Boredom? Welcome to Being Human!
There is always going to be something incomplete in this life. There are going to be times of fullness, and many more times of emptiness, boredom, restlessness, and the sense that something is wrong. Some people seek to fill the emptiness through alcohol, drugs, sex,...
Life is a Risk. Love is a Risk. Is There a Way to Stay Safe?
We had a scare last week. I went down to the creek early in the morning and Tashi, our kitty, followed me. It was a beautiful, crisp, pre-spring morning, and neither of us could resist the pull to the outdoors. As we left the house I had the thought, "I'm so glad that...
This is the Best Relationship Advice I Can Give You
Many of you found your way to my work through the portal of relationship anxiety, and because you were able to work through enough of your anxiety to say yes to your partner, you're now 5 or 10 or 20 years into your marriage. Some of you have children. Others have...
The Top 6 Lies Hollywood Tells Us About Sex
Most people carry some shame or uncertainty about their sexuality. While we may have learned the basics about the birds and the bees in school, we weren’t given the roadmap that would help us embrace this potentially joyful aspect of being human. Instead, we receive...
It is High Time to Reclaim What is Rightfully Yours
Among the many things that have been stolen from us as women, our pleasure and desire are perhaps two of the most harmful. Pleasure is our birthright. Desire is the pulse that links us to every living thing on the planet, and possibly the universe. When we’re...
When Science Goes Against What Your Body Knows, This Can Help
Two of the hallmarks of the highly sensitive person are the need for certainty and struggling with self-doubt. These two challenges dovetail when considering a new course of action or making a big decision: Should I take medication? Should I do CBT or try another...
How to Find Clarity and Light in Times of Darkness
We are approaching the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern hemisphere. In this week's Gathering Gold episode, and in preparation for the winter solstice, I invite us to anchor ourselves in time and find communion with the luminous dark. How...
There are Powerful Ways to Contribute During Dark Times
The news. World pain. The suffering of humans. Earth's pain. The descent into the darkest time of year. Darkness is everywhere. How do we stay afloat when the darkness edges in? There are many ways. We re-commit to our practices so that we make of ourselves an island...
Is Medication Helpful or Harmful? Here are my thoughts.
When I first started doing this work over twenty-five years ago, I had very strong views about medication. I had been raised to believe that medication was a "cop out", a belief that was reinforced by my studies in graduate school that, informed by a Jungian depth...
This is One of Our Most Powerful Tools for Inner Freedom
It's a familiar moment: I notice something that I would like to correct about someone close to me (husband, son). I feel the urge to say something; after all, if they could improve their lives in some way, shouldn't I grace them with my infinite wisdom? But, wait... a...
Why I Changed My Last Name
Many of you have asked me why I changed my last name. I thought I could slip it under the radar since Paul and Finn are both tiny, 4-letter names, but alas... my audience is more perceptive than that, so I will explain :). There are many reasons why, after more than...
The One Essential Question that Lives Inside Relationship Anxiety
September 2023 update: If there is one blog post I refer to more than any other when someone asks about relationship anxiety, it's this one. Why? Because at the core of relationship anxiety lives this one abiding question, and when we can address anxiety at the root,...
The #1 Quality to Look for in a Long-Term Relationship
Contrary to what our culture teaches, the most important quality to look for in a long-term partner is not... ...common interests, physical attraction, sense of humor, chemistry, level of education, or confidence. The #1 quality to look for in a partner is......
How to Find Hope and Wholeness in our Broken World
There is a lot of heartache in our world, and the smaller the world becomes, the more aware we are of the pain that exists in every corner. Of course, the news loves to report on this pain much more than it reports on the goodness that abounds, but the fact remains...
Growing Trust is a Key to Healing Anxiety and Worry
Underneath anxiety is a lack of safety. And underneath a lack of safety is a lack of trust. Said in reverse: When we trust, we feel safe. And when we feel safe, anxiety quiets down. But, oh, how challenging it can be to trust! Worry is a Buzzkill When Everest turned...
It’s Time to Heal the Pain that Didn’t Start with You
We’re living in an extraordinary time on our planet: a time of extraordinary groundlessness and also extraordinary possibility. In our 24/7 media culture designed to light up the amygdala’s fear response, it’s easy to only see the world’s tremulous pain right now, and...