Most people carry some shame or uncertainty about their sexuality. While we may have learned the basics about the birds and the bees in school, we weren’t given the roadmap that would help us embrace this potentially joyful aspect of being human. Instead, we receive powerful messages from the media about how people are supposed to feel regarding their sexuality and in their sex lives with partners. Let’s dissect some of these messages now:
1. Sex should be loud and effortlessly orgasmic
That’s Hollywood in a nutshell: two people who have scintillating chemistry and simply cannot resist ripping each other’s clothes off and within a few minutes ecstatically screaming out in simultaneous orgasm. Please. That’s not how sex goes for most people, and certainly not after the initial honeymoon period wears off (if there ever was one).
Here’s the truth: Sex can be awkward. Sex is one of the most vulnerable ways we can connect with another human and, as a such, there are many opportunities to stumble and fall. And the huge bottom-line truth that I wish-to-God Hollywood would get straight is that 82% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone but need clitoral stimulation, often for an extended period of time (Women take an average of 14 minutes to climax during partnered orgasm.) Come on, Hollywood! Stop presenting an “ideal” that the vast majority of women are anatomically unable to meet.
2. Great sex is about technique
The culture says that sex is about being a “good lover”, by which we take to mean someone who has experience and just knows what to do. Consistent with the tendency of our culture to focus on externals, we think that great sex is about technique, or some external set of actions that will create sparks and passion.
The truth is that great sex is about connection and safety. Sex is like a slow, vulnerable animal that will only unleash its passion when it feels safe. When you feel connected and safe within yourself and with your partner, the creativity of a sexual encounter can unfold. There are no rules to follow. Any techniques you learn will only feel good if they’re practiced in a pool of connection and safety.
3. It’s your partner’s job to turn you on. If you’re not turned on, you’re with the wrong partner.
Similar to the beliefs about love that say that it’s your partner’s job to make you feel happy and alive, we receive the message that it’s your partner’s job to light your fire.
The truth is that passion originates from inside of you. If you’re feeling bored, numb, or unfulfilled in yourself, those qualities will likely extend to your sex life. Your partner can light your fire but only if there’s a spark that already dances inside of you.
4. Sex only counts if it culminates in intercourse and orgasms
In our achievement-oriented culture that values outcome over process, we don’t value kissing, touching, and all other forms of what we normally call foreplay. But even the word foreplay indicates that these forms of sexual interaction come before something else; the appetizer isn’t considered a stand-alone meal.
But what’s wrong with appetizers? Some people prefer to order two or three of them instead of one big main course. If that’s your preference and it works for the two of you, celebrate it.
In fact, one of the secrets about sex that wasn’t included in the manual that you never received is that non-goal oriented contact – affection, kissing, caressing, skin-to-skin contact – takes the pressure off to have to perform, which then frees both people up to open and experience each other sexually in a more organic way.
We put so much pressure on ourselves in this culture in many areas, and the bedroom is no exception. If you can focus on connection instead of outcome – slowing everything down and trusting the rhythm of the moment – the entire experience can be more satisfying.
5. Your sex life is inadequate unless you’re having sex at least twice a week.
Our culture says that you must be having sex 2-3 times a week to qualify for the healthy sex life category. Past the initial honeymoon stage, very few couples actually have sex 2-3 times a week, especially when children enter the picture. If the frequency of your sexual encounters works for you, then it’s healthy for your relationship.
As there’s usually a high-drive and a low-drive partner, it’s not likely that your needs will align perfectly. This is where communication comes in – where you both sensitively work to attend to the others’ needs. It may seem impossible when needs are radically different, but in the field of loving communication and intention nothing is impossible.
I’ve worked with clients who have sex once a month, or even less. And if there are young children in your life it’s not uncommon for two or three months to pass without having sex. When we can breathe some space around frequency instead of comparing ourselves to some fantasy ideal of how much we “should” be having sex, we actually loosen up inside and allow more sex to spontaneously occur.
6. You have to feel like having sex in order to have sex.
We’re a very feeling-based culture, meaning that we make decisions based on how we’re feeling moment by moment. While feelings certainly can give us important information, if we’re using them as a barometer for our actions we’re going to get into trouble pretty quickly as they’re not a reliable or consistent source. Just like we doubt if we’re in love once the butterflies fade, so we make judgments about sex based on feelings.
The truth is that sex, like love, can be cultivated through action. In other words, you might not always feel like having sex, but if you move toward your partner anyway and open yourself to trying, you might find that desire is awakened inside of you. And you might not. But when working with clients I more often hear, especially among women, that they have to throw themselves into it and give it a go even when they’re not feeling it initially, and that most times they’re glad that they did. Past a certain point in a relationship, if you’re waiting for desire to overcome you before you approach your partner sexually, you could be waiting a long time.
Of course this isn’t about denying your truth or overriding a real NO inside of you. If it’s a strong no – if sex is painful or it doesn’t feel loving or it’s just truly not the right moment for you to drop down into that space – listen to that.
But it’s important to understand that “no” can be closely connected to fear and anxiety, and when you indulge in the “no” too often you can create a negative loop where the answer is always no. It’s a tricky place to navigate, for sure, and requires a deep commitment to know your inner world so that you can parse apart the different strands that are contributing to your no or yes at any given moment.
There are many more myths that cause shame. There are also our own family and religious templates that cause the natural curiosity around sexuality to shut down. This is some of what we explore in Sacred Sexuality: A 40-day course to heal body shame and ignite desire. The next live round begins on Saturday, January 13th, 2024, and I look forward to connecting with you there.
