Small talk, chit-chat, sports and weather conversations… these aren’t what float the boat of people who find their way here.
We swim in deep waters. We thrive on conversations that plumb the depths of the human experience. We want to talk about what is real and true, and this isn’t always easy to find in a world that tends to stay on the surface of things.
In short, we are seers and seekers.
What does it mean to be a seer and a seeker? Let’s take a moment to unpack these terms.
Seers:
Seers are those who perceive what others might not see. As a child this was often the person who sensed that something was off in the family system. You didn’t have the words to communicate what was off, but you felt into what was unseen and unsaid in the invisible field.
You felt your mother’s depression and your father’s unlived life.
You sensed your mother’s quiet anger or your dad’s unresolved father wound.
Often this unnamed seeing eventually led to becoming a seeker so that you could find the words to understand your inner and outer worlds.
Seekers:
Seekers are on a quest for truth, growth, and meaning. You are likely the one in your family who has been drawn to self-help books, podcasts, and therapy from an early age. You have a deep desire to understand the human experience and make sense of the dysfunctional aspects of your childhood. Anxiety is often the messenger that calls a seeker onto the healing path, for it’s the seer who absorbed the intergenerational pain in a family system and is called to learn how to transform this fogginess into clarity.
They are the ones, as I’ve often said, who are on a path of transforming the burden of being a lightning rod into the gift of being a lighthouse.
What does this mean exactly?
From Lightning Rod to Lighthouse
In advance of our next Gathering Gold episode (released tomorrow), Victoria dug into this metaphor of the lightning rod. She wrote on our shared Google doc:
In the past, when I’ve heard you use the term “lightning rod,” I’ve only thought about it as the person who receives the full force of the energy. But as I was thinking about it in preparation for this episode, I decided to do a little more research on lightning rods.
A lightning rod is a metal pole installed on top of a building to safely guide electrical energy from a lightning strike into the ground. The pointed metal piece at the very top intercepts the strike. A heavy copper or aluminum cable acts as the conductor. It runs from the roof down the side of the building to the ground rod, a metal stake buried deep in the soil that disperses the electrical energy safely away, preventing fires and structural damage.
I didn’t think about the second part of the process–that the lightning rod disperses potentially dangerous and destructive energy safely into the earth.
As seers and seekers on a healing path, we are in a process of transmutation: taking the unprocessed pain in a family system, often for many generations, placing it into the vessel of our practices so that the energy is discharged (the way the electrical current of a lightning bolt is sent through the rod into the neutralizing ground of the earth) so that you can free up the positive energy of creativity and joy that are also your birthright and, through the process, become a safe haven and source of guidance for others.
In other words, we take the self-absorbed and highly charged state of anxiety, which often feels like an electrical current coursing through our body or a heavy wet blanket on the soul, and transmute it into creativity and light.
We take what is draining and alchemize it into something life-affirming.
We place the fear of death into the vessel of our healing pathways and learn how to transform it into the love of life.
Giving Back What Isn’t Yours
Lest you fall in the familiar trap of over-responsibility and believe it’s your job to heal your entire family, let’s slow things down. Part of the task of inner work is to recognize what’s yours to heal and what isn’t yours.
In your growing up years, you may have taken on the role of fixer, helper, peacemaker, mediator, and you may still carry that role.
Yet a significant element of healing – especially when you’re the highly sensitive in your family and, as such, are also the recipient of what has gone unseen and unsaid – is differentiating between what is yours and what is not yours, then learning to hand back the load that is not yours.
Your parents’ pain is not your burden to bear.
Your grandparents’ trauma is not your weight to carry.
Your siblings’ stories are not your stories.
When you can give back what isn’t yours you are participating in intergenerational healing. What’s left is the pain, shame, and unresolved transitions from your personal story that are yours to process. This is manageable. Taking on the burden of others’ pain is not.
It’s a special thing to be tasked with healing intergenerational patterns. I know it probably doesn’t feel that way right now, but when you learn the tools and mindsets that help you transform the burden of shame into the gift of sensitivity, you start to sense into the specialness that you have been chosen not only to serve your entire family lineage – for every branch on the tree heals when you do the healing – but also, dare I say, the entire human race at this point in history. For we are at a great turning point, a critical threshold, and we need all hands on deck to turn the tide!
We Cannot Do This Alone
This is big, important work, and it isn’t easy. It’s never been easy to be the seer and seeker, and as we get older we often realize that there are less people with whom we can connect at the depths that feel satisfying. But an essential part of the healing journey of transforming anxiety from a burden to a gift is finding like-minded people to accompany you along the way. As I’ve been sharing a lot lately, we’re not meant to figure this out alone.
If you’re ready to delve into the deep end with gentleness, support, and companions along the way, and receive a daily roadmap that will help you discharge the energy of anxiety into pathways of possibility, I encourage you to join our 8th round of Break Free From Anxiety: A 9-month course on the art of living.
To facilitate deep connection in real time, I’m limiting the number of participants in this course, especially through our regular Zoom calls. As such, I’ll be encouraging as many people as possible to show up for as many live calls as possible (as opposed to listening to the recordings afterwards). We all long for community, and true community requires showing up in real time and making the commitment to prioritize the spaces where we have an opportunity to explore deeply with safe others.
The live calls will be held every other Tuesday starting on September 29th from 3:30 – 4:45pm ET.
Of course I understand that not everyone will be able to make every live call, and the recording will be available afterwards, but I’m asking for a strong commitment to attend whenever possible so that we can form a true cohort and community over the nine months together. I look forward to seeing you there.
Do you relate to being a seer and seeker? Share in the comments.
Hi Sheryl,
Not sure if you remember me but I did this course about five years ago.
Due to a series of unfortunate events, my mental health has plummeted to insane depths and I’ve been on disability for a few years now, just drowning.
I took a break from your work because it didn’t seem like it applied anymore. I was too unwell to apply any of the principles you speak about.
Several times I was close to giving up on my life altogether.
I’m writing now because I want to touch base. I’m still at a point in my life where I don’t know what the way forward looks like or if there even is one. I used to think I could heal myself and be a transmuter of my pain and harness my sensitivity for good, but now things have gotten so dire that I don’t know.
I hope you’re well Sheryl.
Hi Julia,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been suffering, and I’m glad you’ve reached out. Have you been in therapy? When we’re in deep suffering it’s best to work 1:1 with a highly skilled and loving therapist. Doing a course can be a helpful companion on the healing journey, but it’s usually not the best sole action when we’re brought down into the depths of pain.
Sending big hugs,
Sheryl
Thanks for your reply Sheryl.
Yes, I was in therapy even while doing your course those years ago and I’m in therapy now with a different therapist.
Sometimes I feel I’m beyond help.
I’m really glad you’re in therapy. Sometimes it can take a while to heal at the root, but there are so many modalities available today. Nobody is beyond help, especially those who are truly seeking it, which you clearly are. Hang on, Julia. As you have all the course material I encourage you to read through it again – not necessarily to do the daily actions but just to offer some soothing (if it does feel soothing; if not trust that). Trust your body. Trust the wisdom that your symptoms are expressing. You can get through this.
Hi Sheryl, this blog post is extremely timely for me, thank you.
I feel like a lot of my anxiety issues (including relationship) are rooted in my parents highly tense and conflictual marriage where I was definitely a lightening rod.
Recently things have flared up with them
aging and my mom (who I always saw as the instigator of tension) telling me she now understands my father is a covert narcissist and creates scenarios to earn his children’s favor over her.
I’m still figuring out what to believe (although my moms story is compelling) but one of the main things I feel I need to work on is not continuing to hold their pain as my own which I have done most of my life. Easier said than done, but I really appreciate your post.
I will also add, Julia, that a LOT of people are suffering immensely right now. It’s not just you by any means. When you’re sensitive and a lightning rod you’re tapping into not only old family pain but also the pain of the world. I haven’t seen this much suffering amongst the highly sensitives in a very long time. We’re in a period of collapse, and we’re all feeling it.
Julia – I have been where you’re at and I am sending you so much love! I am so sorry you’re having a hard time.
Sheryl – I’m wondering, if it’s ok to ask, if you could speak more on “the period of collapse” – why and what are the ingredients for a cultural time of collapse and how do we as HSPs know it? What are the ingredients of the shift from collapse to liminal to a rise of some sort? When you said you haven’t seen this in a long time it resonated but I’d love your take as to why? I’m wondering if it would help us all kind of understand the historical moment more and help us all take better care of ourselves ? And in turn help us feel safer as there is an ebb and flow to it all?
Julie: Great question – and a big one! First off, some reassurance: with every collapse comes a renewal. Just as spring always follows autumn and winter, so a new era will follow this period of collapse. The collapse is necessary because many of our current systems are broken. The old needs to die so the new will be reborn. It’s always challenging to live through a period of collapse, whether personal or global, but it’s also an opportunity to practice all of our skills of self-trust, grieving, reaching for safe others so that we can not only weather this storm but arrive on the other side whole and fully alive.
For a more in-depth discussion on this topic, I spoke to this in three webinars:
“Working with Global Anxiety (Pandemic)”
“Finding Your Stillpoint in Turbulent Times”
“Why this the Time to Heal Your Anxiety”
Sending you the biggest hug! ❤️
Julia- I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Sending you a very big and love filled hug.
Hi Julia,
I’m so sorry that you are struggling. I went through a really bad period of mental health almost two years ago (at the change of the clocks here in the UK and the beginning winter) and I realised that I needed professional help specifically around OCD. I also began taking anti depressants which helped me immensely. As Sheryl said, when we are at our most unwell mentally, this work can be a companion but I believe that the skilled help of a psychologist and medication really got me through that period. I resisted anti depressants for a long time but they allowed me to come out of a really dark place. You are not alone. It also helped me to have bite size goals, going for a walk, and having a bath (I was showering but a bath felt too much like being in my own head) When I achieved these it helped me to build on that confidence to do other actions which began to pull me out the other side. This was just a tiny part of my ERP treatment and often it’s about building your confidence and resilience back up. As Sheryl said, hang on, things can get better- you aren’t alone.
Sheryl- I feel very much like a seeker and seer. I sometimes feel that I can see patterns and things that others miss, particularly around relationships, dynamics and trauma on a macro and micro level (talking about in families and also in the world right now.) I run a non profit focussing on migrant women which is highly rewarding but also highly exhausting being a seeker and seer in todays climate. It can feel very heavy but for me connection with others who also feel this and creating community which is highly matriarchal (care, compassion, creative and connective ) helps. It is tough going in a world so polarised and which feels at times so heavily weighted in the opposite direction from who you are. Thanks for putting words to what I’m feeling and a reminder that for us highly sensitives it feels a lot and it’s not about us as individuals being unable to cope but actually often what we are absorbing all around us and our innate feelings that it’s not right or ok.
Hope that all is well with you, loved Asher’s post last week!
Hi Sara: Thank you for your comment, both to Julia and on the post. This stands out for me and I want to highlight it for others:
“It is tough going in a world so polarised and which feels at times so heavily weighted in the opposite direction from who you are. Thanks for putting words to what I’m feeling and a reminder that for us highly sensitives it feels a lot and it’s not about us as individuals being unable to cope but actually often what we are absorbing all around us and our innate feelings that it’s not right or ok.”
YES!
I tried to post and it didn’t go through, sorry if it ends up appearing twice.
I just wanted to say thank you for this post, it’s very pertinent to me.
I grew up as a seer for my parents very conflictual marriage, which I think has contributed a lot to my life long anxiety, including relationship anxiety.
Recently things have reached a new low with aging parents and an accusation from my mother that my father is a covert narcissist who manipulates events to make her look at fault for things (it did always look like she was the instigator and him the victim, who I’d historically try to “help”).
I’ve sadly only recently realized that I am never going to be able to fix their marriage, and that I have carried the pain and stress of it for too long.
I’m thinking a lot about what is mine to do and I what I can/need to release. I think I’m tempted to try to “rescue” my mom now, so it’s easier said than done.
Thanks again ❤️
Thank you for this wise comment, Tulip. Yes, seers often see the dysfunction in their parents’ marriage, and believe that it’s their job to try to fix it. It sounds like there’s a real healing opportunity for you to learn how to release your parents to their own perfect path as you separate what’s yours from what’s not yours and release yourself from the burden/belief that you can fix it. Setting appropriate boundaries regarding conversation topics with parents can also be essential.
I’m sending you love and strength, Julia. Please get the help and support you need.
I really resonate with this and it was reassuring to hear that a lot of people are struggling again lately. I’m one of them. After many years of feeling like I had my ocd and RA under control it’s come rearing back this past month. It’s scary to feel “back” in this place but I know I can rely on everything I’ve learned and trust this spike will pass. I’m entering perimenopause and started HRT but I feel like my old symptoms are stronger in that week leading up to my period and while I’m on it the past couple months now.
Oh, yes, hormones and the perimenopausal transition often ramp things up. I’m glad you’re identifying that as a piece to the anxiety puzzle.
As I mentioned to Julie above, these three webinars might be helpful to contextualize the bigger time that we’re in:
“Working with Global Anxiety (Pandemic)”
“Finding Your Stillpoint in Turbulent Times”
“Why this the Time to Heal Your Anxiety”
Ugh this spoke to me so deeply. Thank you as always, Sheryl.
For anyone considering doing the 9 months course – do it!!! Do it and apply yourself and you will experience meaningful growth in your relationship to anxiety, that will only continue after the course ends. Grow your inner parent!!!! Build self trust!!!! It truly revolutionized the way I interact with myself and engage with life.
Thank you, Jennie!!