I want to share a little-known secret with you, one that you would never surmise if you derived the majority of your sex education from pop culture:
There’s more to sex than orgasms.
Shocking, I know.
This statement flies in the face of the hierarchal model of sex we’ve all been handed that goes like this:
Kiss, touch breasts, touch genitals, oral sex, penetration, simultaneous orgasms.
In childhood terms this was:
Kiss (mouth closed), French kiss (too much tongue), first base (touching boobs), second base (touching genitals), oral, vaginal penetration, simultaneous orgasms.
I’m sharing the childhood version to elucidate how early in life this model is transmitted. The basic message is: sex is a stepping stone that begins with a kiss and ends with orgasms.
But why? Who invented this limited idea? (The same person who invented the restrictive, cookie-cutter educational model, perhaps?!? Just kidding… :)).
The Reality of Sex
The reality of sex is quite different:
- Some people don’t enjoy kissing.
- The vast majority of women can’t reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone.
- A complete sexual act can be just touching. No orgasms. No penetration.
- Some people enjoy oral sex. Others don’t.
- Some people enjoy receiving oral sex but not giving it. Some people enjoy giving oral sex but not receiving it.
- Eye-gazing can be more intimate than penetration.
- 80% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
- On average it takes a woman 14 minutes to reach orgasm.
The problem with the hierarchal model is that if the big bang of the orgasms doesn’t happen, one or both partners are left feeling like something is missing. If you’re a sensitive male and your female partner doesn’t orgasm but you do, you’re left feeling like a selfish lover. (God bless the sensitive males who want equality in their sex life.) If you’re female and you can’t reach orgasm through intercourse, you’re often left feeling like you’re not a good lover, or like there’s something wrong with you.
On some level, you’re both left wondering: Why doesn’t our sex life follow the Hollywood script?
The short answer is: Hollywood is bing-bang-boom, which means they aren’t going to waste 14 minutes of a film to show the actual time it takes for a woman to orgasm.
Also, historically most films have been written, directed, and produced by men. Hence. they conform to the male gaze and fantasy that women come in 5 minutes from intercourse alone.
The end result: a lot of women feel shame about their bodies and their sexuality.
Healing the Shame and Reclaiming Our Sexuality
It’s time to change the narrative and heal our shame so that we can reclaim our sexuality. One positive aspect of the internet and social media is that there are many people out there who are busting these pervasive and pernicious myths and replacing them with the truth. One of my favorites is a woman named Lauren Fogel Mersy, who co-wrote a book called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.
Here the authors share an alternative to the Sexual Staircase model (starting with kissing or touching and ending with penetration and orgasms) called the Wheel Model. In this model the ways of connecting sexually are not hierarchal, like stairs, but are all of equal value, like a wheel. The new model includes other ways of intimately connecting, like showing together, using a sex toy, cuddling, massaging, and spooning.
But it’s not only the Sexual Staircase model that creates shame. We’re injected with shame about our bodies from nearly the moment we’re born, told from the beginning that we’re too big or small, too tall or too short, our hair or skin isn’t quite right, and certainly our sexuality is wrong.
We’re taught that our genitals smell bad, that any ounce of fat is disgusting but being too skinny isn’t sexy, our breasts are too large or too small or misshapen in some way.
When healthy sexuality depends on openness, it’s a wonder that any of us can enjoy sex at all, as shame is the fastest way to shut down the channels.
A Roadmap to Freedom
In 2016, I created Sacred Sexuality: A 40-day course to heal body shame and ignite desire. I have since guided hundreds of women through the roadmap that allows them to excavate the roots of shame and gently, with the support of a loving community, return to what is rightfully ours: vibrant, alive, whole sexuality.
As Kimberly from Pasadena shared:
“Your course: it’s the best way to start the morning. It really is a masterpiece. This course, the lessons, the calls helped me find the divine feminine place inside myself that isn’t always accessible in the fast-moving world. I write this with a deep smile of gratitude”
And Georgina from Argentina:
“Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t find the words to say what I feel properly because it’s all been so strong and visceral that what I have to say is still at the level of body.”
If you’re ready to receive this roadmap within the vessel of a safe community, please join us for the 10th round of Sacred Sexuality, which will begin on January 31st, 2026. I only run this course live every two years. The live round includes three group coaching calls and the support of a highly moderated forum.
Here are the call times, and if you can’t make the live calls you’ll receive the recording afterwards:
Call 1: Tuesday February 10th at 1:30pm ET / 10:30am PT
Call 2: Monday February 23rd at 12 noon ET / 9am PT
Call 3: Thursday March 5 at 4pm ET / 1pm PT
Feel free to ask any questions in the comments, and I look forward to seeing you there.
Thanks so much for this wonderful and timely post. I don’t want to be TMI but want to share what’s been weighing on my heart in case you can help. I am admittedly new to sex—with a religious background, I was taught not to have sex before marriage, so my fiancé and I waited until we got engaged last year. (I still sometimes feel a bit guilty about doing it…but that may be for a different conversation.) I find myself getting really frustrated when we have sex because my (female) body seems to do the opposite of what you are describing in your post. I climax almost immediately—but not with a big orgasm (which I am familiar with from other types of stimulation) but a small one, just enough to kill my drive. As a result, I find myself disengaged during sex, even though I want to want it. But it feels like something I am just letting my fiancé do TO me, versus doing it with him.
I know my frustration when it happens doesn’t help and probably also contributes to my decrease in drive. I have tried to just let it go when I climax quickly, even embrace it, and keep going with the hope I can even get to a second orgasm (which I recognize after reading your post is probably a bad goal to shoot for). But so far no luck—I just get tired and frustrated. My fiancé is such an amazing sport about it. But I am just sad for both of us, because it’s obviously not how I want things to go for me, and I also want to be a good sex partner for him, which I know I am not.
I know I’m inexperienced. I hope things can change or get better with practice. But I’m really starting to worry about how this might affect our sexual relationship.
Sorry if that’s too much information. I just could really use some advice, especially as this isn’t something I can bring up to anyone close to me for the religious reason mentioned above. Thanks so much!
I also am from a religious background and it took me about 2 years to orgasm for the first time with my husband. We dug deep to learn a lot about my fears, what narratives we both heard growing up, what intimacy meant to each of us, etc.
It’s so much better than when we started, even with our natural differences in libido and how each season brings ebbs and flows in our sex life. You both will always be changing/growing together.
An understanding partner, and the gift of learning over time, will lead you to a wealth of unique-to-you sexual knowledge.
Thank you for your vulnerable comment, C. As Cassie so wisely responded, with time, attention, and patience, we learn together how to meet each other sexually in ways that are fulfilling and growth-producing for both partners. We expect so much at the start when the truth is that ALL aspects of a relationship, including and especially our sexuality, take years, if not decades, to ripen. Whether someone orgasms quickly, takes longer, or not at all, the principles of this post apply: when we take orgasm off the table, we open doorways for other ways of connecting sexually to arise. I would suggest slowing everything down and focus on touching, kissing, and connecting with each other in ways that are less stimulating. The connection is what matters most.
Thank you Sheryl! My husband and I have learned so much from you in this area (and many other relational areas). My husband even quoted you the other day to a young man who was sharing about his fear of intimacy.
I teared up because this is the same man that I was scared of not being attracted too, which led me to your work in the first place ten years ago. It felt like a truly full circle moment.
I still have to grow in the area of intimacy as I’ve found that eye contact during sex can still ignite within me the fear of “being too seen” for who I am sexually and my husband is gently bringing me towards the safety that can live in that place of vulnerability.
Thank you for this post!
It’s so good to hear from you, Cassie! And of course it warms my heart to hear about the growth in your marriage. Thank you for chiming in!
Dear Sheryl,
Thank you for this post. I used to struggle with attraction spike and sex anxiety in start of my relationship that made me doubt the relationship. During the time my partner pushed me to try sexual things that I was not comfortable with, thinking it would help. Now we have discussed how that was boundary violation and have repaired our relationship and set clear boundaries with no expectations. However, I see that experience of pushing as violation and coercion and feels it is unforgivable. Is it part of rocd or trauma? Is my partner red flag? Can this course help me?
Hi Valerie: It sounds your partner was pushing to try to help, which means the intentions were good even they were misguided. As long as there’s been repair and clear boundaries are in place I don’t see this is a red flag.
Regarding the course: if you’re hoping to grow your relationship to healthy sexuality and work through some of your sex anxiety, then yes the course can help.
Thank you Sheryl. But sometimes it was not to help but pushing was due to his own attraction and urges and not understanding consent clearly. Is that still not a red flag? How to differentiate? I struggle to differentiate and think of it as unforgivable. Which of your courses can help me the most?
I purchased this course end of December ‘25 and seem to remember seeing that the next time it went live, I would have to option to ‘upgrade’ and join the calls and forum for an extra fee. I can’t find that info now – was I right or did I imagine it?! Thanks!
You’re correct! My assistant will be sending out an email in a couple of weeks to everyone who purchased the self-paced course. Looking forward to connecting soon :).
Dear Sheryl,
I am a 30 year old woman who has never ever really liked sex. I have never felt sexual attraction, desire or interest in sex, I also don’t enjoy it and have to force myself to do it. I have always had doubts about whether I am asexual, deeply disconnected from my body, or if it’s just a result of being anxious all my life…or maybe all of that, if that makes sense.
Do you think this course is a good fit for me?
Thank you for your guidance,
Silvia
Dear Silvia: Yes, that all makes sense., and yes the course would help you identify some of the roots of not liking sex – anxiety, shame, disconnect from your body – so that you can begin to work with those elements and come to more clarity about the truth about your sexuality.